What should I do with my son?

[SorayaCali]

Hello there, I'm wondering, I have a son through my previous marriage, as I've mentioned before, and I wasn't muslim then, but of course now I am, but my ex still wants to be part of my sons life, and I'm not exactly a good mother, I have mental disorders and I have outburst at times, so I'm thinking I should either give him custody or just put him up for adoption. What do you think?

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Bump!

I hope someone can provide some help/advice, inshaa'Allaah

[SorayaCali]

Thanks, I hope so too.

[Marina-Aisha]

Maybe u should talk to imam bout this, he might give u more better advice then us. I don't know Wots like to struggle with illness like that but I strongly advice u to think this hard cos one day ur son might come back to u want answers. Maybe u could hire nanny to help u out? I hope someone can help u babe ((hugzz))

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[tigerkhan]

:sl:
i wish i have some words for u but cant suggest anything...its seems more dependent on ur willing. just to add i feel a child lucky who recieve his mother love in childhood.

[SorayaCali]

I think I'll keep him but I do have doubts about my motherly abilities I must admit.

[جوري]

a friend of mine had an abortion when she was 16 she didn't give it a second thought.. when she got married she tried for years to have a child and couldn't.. underwent treatments the works and I won't describe to you her guilt and pain it goes without saying.. not everyone's life is so dramatic to come up with what ifs.. some really have a desire to have a child and can't-- I can't impress upon anyone just how valuable and really miraculous life is.. it is a gift and that's how it is described in the Quran. 'We gifted him with' because that's truly what it is.. think in your heart of hearts if a few years from now when things are smoother for you or even not if you'd be ok with such a life altering decision or even from your child's perspective.
Your child doesn't care if you're imbalanced or if you stink or a wailing banshee..God knows what person isn't prone to a little craziness? we all have days like that, it is human it is part of the human condition.
Your child wasn't born in one day from conception, and Islam isn't a one day from conversion.. everything is born small and grows and deepens with time..
I think you know the answer to your query you don't need anyone here to tell you what is right and wrong.. perhaps you can see a counselor and talk about your problems in a constructive manner.. take your child to the playground make friends with other mothers see how they're pulling through.. life is a challenge for everyone..


best,

[SorayaCali]

Thanks for the detailed response, but no I don't know the answer. I think I am going to keep him, but honestly, is it best? I mean I'm a completely nervous wreck. I do want to know what I should islamically do.

[جوري]

QUR'AN CHAPTER 65:
AT-TALAQ (DIVORCE)
Verse 6

65:6 askinuuhun-na min Haythu sakantum miw wujdikum wa laa tuDaar-ruuhun-na li tuDay-yiquu 'Alayhinn* wa in kun-na ulaati Hamlin fa anfiquu 'Alayhin-na Hat-taa yaDa'Åna Hamlahunn* fain arDa'Åna lakum fa aatuuhun-na ujuurahunn* wa'tamiruu baynakum bi ma'Åruuf* wa in ta'AAsartum fa sa turDi'U lahuu ukhraa

Click here to play the verse


Ahmed Raza Khan: Mohammed Aqib Qadri:
Accommodate them where you also reside, according to your means, and do not harass them to make it difficult upon them; and if they are pregnant, give them the provision till they deliver their burden; then if they suckle the child for you, pay them its due; and consult with each other in a reasonable manner; and if you create hardship for one another, the child will get another breast feeding nurse.

Yusuf Ali:
Let the women live (in 'iddat) in the same style as ye live, according to your means: Annoy them not, so as to restrict them. And if they carry (life in their wombs), then spend (your substance) on them until they deliver their burden: and if they suckle your (offspring), give them their recompense: and take mutual counsel together, according to what is just and reasonable. And if ye find yourselves in difficulties, let another woman suckle (the child) on the (father's) behalf.
Pickthal:
Lodge them where ye dwell, according to your wealth, and harass them not so as to straiten life for them. And if they are with child, then spend for them till they bring forth their burden. Then, if they give suck for you, give them their due payment and consult together in kindness; but if ye make difficulties for one another, then let some other woman give suck for him (the father of the child).

Courtesy of:

(PrayerWare)

http://www.multimediaquran.com/quran/065/065-006.htm

[SorayaCali]

I don't get it, what does that have to do with me?

[جوري]

Talk it out with your childn's father and he has an obligation if you can't bear the responsbility. That should hold true even if he isn't a Muslim under the country's laws if he doesn't subscribe to Islamic law..

[SorayaCali]

But he's non muslim, so is that a problem?

[جوري]

Every country has its laws and it maybe hard to believe with all the negative press but a good 80% of American law is remarkably similar to Islamic jurisprudence. For instance the financial responsibility..

[SorayaCali]

Okay cool I guess, but that's not what I'm asking about. Is it okay in Islamic law, if need be, I give my son to my ex?

[جوري]

Okay cool I guess, but that's not what I'm asking about. Is it okay in Islamic law, if need be, I give my son to my ex?

Yup, and he is obligated to provide for him anyway.

[SorayaCali]

But wouldn't that risk making my son not a muslim?

[جوري]

But wouldn't that risk making my son not a muslim?

Islam is a covenant one makes with God when they are able to reason it isn't a birth right.. Also you yourself aren't sure of your beliefs at the moment so you risk confusing your son rather than passing the torch so to speak. It isn't ideal, and I myself find it difficult to reconcile saying these words with my own personal beliefs (as a woman not as a Muslim) but it is about doing what is best for your son. If you honestly believe you can't handle him at the moment then you must put his well fare ahead of yours and do what is best for him.. and if I had to personally choose between father or adoption I'd obviously choose the father..

[SorayaCali]

True true, in fact I've stopped telling my son about Islam and he's already forgetting the stuff I told him.

[True-blue]

True true, in fact I've stopped telling my son about Islam and he's already forgetting the stuff I told him.

Maye be you will teach him after you learn Islam properly.

[SorayaCali]

Nah, he will have to find his own path. Im not good at religious teachings

[Periwinkle18]

don't give him up for adoption and don't give him to ur ex husband keep him with you teach him abt islam he'll be a sadaqah jariah for you inshaAllah :)

[SorayaCali]

No Ive decided not to teach him about Islam, making this whole thread pointless now, so I apologize.

[Periwinkle18]

No Ive decided not to teach him about Islam, making this whole thread pointless now, so I apologize

y not??

[SorayaCali]

Because I'm confused right now and I don't know what I should do with my life.

[ummAbdillah]

AsalamualaAykum warahmatullah wabarakatuhu,
Firstly mental health disorders are surprisingly common in people from all backgrounds. I would advice you to speak to people who can offer you real advice such as an imaam, your GP and so on. Secondly having having a mental health issue does not make you a bad mother. Perhaps the way you feel is a symptom of the condition rather than the way you see it. Don't give up custody of your child to you're ex (who is upon SHIRK?!) or anyone else. Seek help, there will be people that can help you. You are/can and will be a brilliant mother inshaAllah. Allah is the best planner and we seek His aid. I will be making dua for you sister.

[SorayaCali]

I am currently talking to my imam but I think he's not so much interested in talking about those things, if you get my drift...

In the end I don't think I'd have the heart to give up my son, though I still need my ex around, when it comes to my son, hes a big help.

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
islamically its parent duty to teach their children about islam and akhlaq (good manners)

[ummAbdillah]

I am currently talking to my imam but I think he's not so much interested in talking about those things, if you get my drift...

In the end I don't think I'd have the heart to give up my son, though I still need my ex around, when it comes to my son, hes a big help.

Ofcourse you shouldn't deny him some access as the child the right to his father, what i mean is that you should strive to to keep him from having a unislamic upbringing. Also i am sorry the imaam hasn't been able to help you, where do you live? perhaps there is another mosque you can try?

[Snowflake]

Edit...........

[SorayaCali]

Well, you make good points. I do wonder though if I'll measure up or not.

[Snowflake]

Edit.........

[Dagless]

I am currently talking to my imam but I think he's not so much interested in talking about those things, if you get my drift...

In the end I don't think I'd have the heart to give up my son, though I still need my ex around, when it comes to my son, hes a big help.

Do you think anyone will love your son as much as you? As much as you don't think you measure up; he will always prefer his own mother to some stranger.
Please sister see your gp so he can refer you to get help/treatment for the other issues/problems you're having. Things may seem a lot brighter with the proper support insha'Allah.

[SorayaCali]

I read this true story of a woman who physically abused her children to the point that she caused them extreme suffering and pain. One of those children later wrote that they would do anything to please her in the hope of getting a morsel of love from her in return. I just think, how hungry children must be for their mother's love, that despite the suffering she was causing them, they yearned for love from her. It would be so understandable if they'd hated her. But no, they hoped against hope to get her love. That's how children are. They can live without a father. But their mother is the centre of their world. Then imagine the child of a mother who is nothing like that woman? Wouldn't his heart be torn to pieces at losing his mother?

I totally understand this. My dad forced me to be a prostitute when I was in my teens but I still try to please him, I even look after him (he has cancer).

Please sister see your gp so he can refer you to get help/treatment for the other issues/problems you're having. Things may seem a lot brighter with the proper support insha'Allah.

Unfortunately my GP is down in Mexico, can't afford US health care, so I can't just see him at a whim. I'll schedule an appointment as soon as I can though.

[Snowflake]

=SorayaCali;1502517]I totally understand this. My dad forced me to be a prostitute when I was in my teens but I still try to please him, I even look after him (he has cancer).

Subhan Allah that's sick! I'm sorry for what you've been through :( Insha Allah things will get better sis :)

Unfortunately my GP is down in Mexico, can't afford US health care, so I can't just see him at a whim. I'll schedule an appointment as soon as I can though.

The biggest healer is Allah ukhti. Have you ever heard doctors who can't do anymore for patients to tell relatives that 'it's all up to God now'? The Quran itself is therapy and counselling. But let's take things one at a time insha Allah : )

In the mean time if anyone has anything beneficial to share with sister Soraya, please do so and insha Allah remember her in your duaas.

[SorayaCali]

Subhan Allah that's sick! I'm sorry for what you've been through :( Insha Allah things will get better sis :)

Well my life isn't the worst imaginable, I'm not going to pretend it is.

The biggest healer is Allah ukhti. Have you ever heard doctors who can't do anymore for patients to tell relatives that 'it's all up to God now'? The Quran itself is therapy and counselling. But let's take things one at a time insha Allah : )

It's alright. Contrary to what most people think, Mexico has just as good health care in many cities there as the United States, and its more accessible. It's something Mexico does better than the US actually.

[Snowflake]

SorayaCali;1502540]Well my life isn't the worst imaginable, I'm not going to pretend it is.

masha Allah that's true. There's always people worst off than us.

It's alright. Contrary to what most people think, Mexico has just as good health care in many cities there as the United States, and its more accessible. It's something Mexico does better than the US actually.

Al hamdulillah, that's good to hear.

Talk soon insha Allah x

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you SorayaCali; there have been lots of good advice so far.

Well, you make good points. I do wonder though if I'll measure up or not

Failure is only failure when you give up.

It is extremely difficult to bring up kids, even when the husband and wife have a loving relationship together, and it just has to be ten times harder for a single parent. It has to be even harder still for a single parent with health problems.

The word that comes to mind is ‘perseverance’ at the tender age of 62, I am just starting to understand what it is to persevere.
I think this is a helpful short video on the topic, sorry but it does have some background music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZuKF3dxCY

in the spirit of praying to a merciful God

Eric

[Perseveranze]

Islam is a covenant one makes with God when they are able to reason it isn't a birth right.. Also you yourself aren't sure of your beliefs at the moment so you risk confusing your son rather than passing the torch so to speak. It isn't ideal, and I myself find it difficult to reconcile saying these words with my own personal beliefs (as a woman not as a Muslim) but it is about doing what is best for your son. If you honestly believe you can't handle him at the moment then you must put his well fare ahead of yours and do what is best for him.. and if I had to personally choose between father or adoption I'd obviously choose the father..

What if the father was abusive, an alcoholic and had a clear bad influence? I'm sure from the rational perspective, the child should go to a good Muslim family for adoption, where they are cared for and treated well and brought up as believers.

Especially if the father's influence is likely to make them become kaafirs, then you would worry about the afterlife wouldn't you?

[SorayaCali]

Well if my son becomes a non muslim, it's his choice.

[Periwinkle18]

Well if my son becomes a non muslim, it's his choice.

it is his choice buh don't u want him to know abt Allah, learn abt islam?? don't u want him to go to jannah ??

[جوري]

What if the father was abusive, an alcoholic and had a clear bad influence? I'm sure from the rational perspective, the child should go to a good Muslim family for adoption, where they are cared for and treated well and brought up as believers.

Especially if the father's influence is likely to make them become kaafirs, then you would worry about the afterlife wouldn't you?

It is all conjectural at this stage.. maybe he's all those things maybe not.. a mother thinking about giving her child up for adoption is a big deal in and of itself, it doesn't appear to me that someone grounded and secure in his/her religion would even think of that as an option.
Sponsorship is ok in Islam but not adoption.. I don't worry about other people's after life no.. if someone is meant to be Muslim they will be. My concern has always been with better Muslims not more Muslims.. I hope you appreciate my candor but quality always trumps quantity in my book and as a general rule I would think..

Ya ayyuha allatheena amanoo AAalaykum anfusakum la yadurrukum man dalla itha ihtadaytum ila Allahi marjiAAukum jameeAAan fayunabbiokum bima kuntum taAAmaloona

5:105 O ye who believe! Guard your own souls: If ye follow (right) guidance, no hurt can come to you from those who stray. the goal of you all is to Allah. it is He that will show you the truth of all that ye do.

And Allah swt knows best..

:w:

[esperanza]

dear sister, iknow your going through such a hard time,,,but have faith and patience
you say oyour exhusband is a help so let him help but keep your son if you can,,,
and try to just tell him simple things if you can about islam
yes he will make his own choice but show him what are the choices..and show him the good of islam

can iask how old your son is???

iknow a sister in uk..was divorced wiht two young sons,,,and struggling alone,,,
inthis time she met a muslim man who marriecher and took care of her and her sons
she now has three more children

she has never forced her sons aobut islam just give them good example

and the ystill visit and have good relation wiht thier father who is anti muslim

but ihave met them they are great boys and respect islam and they will make their choice

never give up in hard time allah will make it easier dont give up on your son