Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise

[TrueStranger]

Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise --Maryam Amir-Ebrahimi

“Why are you majoring in that field?” I asked a sister in college. She sighed, “To be honest, I just want to get married. I don’t really care about what I’m studying right now. I’m just waiting to get hitched so I can be a wife and a mother.”

“It’s awesome that she wants to be a wife and a mother, but why would she put her life on hold?” I wondered. Why would a skilled, passionate young woman create barriers to striving for self-improvement and her ability to be socially transformative when she doesn’t yet have the responsibilities of wifehood or motherhood? Being a wife and a mom are great blessings, but before it actually happens, why exchange tangible opportunities, just waiting for marriage to simply come along—if it came along? I didn’t have to look far to find out.

“I’m already twenty-six,” another sister lamented. “I’m expired. My parents are going crazy. They think I’m never going to get married and they pressure me about it daily. My mom’s friends keep calling her and telling her I’m not getting any younger. She keeps crying over it and says she’ll never be a grandma. It’s not like I don’t want to get married; I’ve been ready since college! I just can’t find the right guy,” she cried.

Why, as a general community, are we not putting the same pressure on women to encourage them to continue to seek Islamic knowledge? Higher education? To make objectives in their lives which will carry over and aid them in their future familial lives, if such is what is meant for them? Perhaps it’s because we’re obsessed with the idea that women need to get married and become mothers and that if they don’t, they have not reached true success.

We all know the honorable and weighty status of wifehood and motherhood in Islam. We all know that marriage completes half your deen1 and that the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) has told us about the mother, “[…] Paradise is at her feet.”2

But getting married and becoming a mother is not the only way to get into Paradise. And not every grown woman is a wife and/or mother, nor will ever be. Some women will eventually become wives and/or mothers, if Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) blesses them with such, but for others, Allah (swt) has blessed them with other opportunities.

Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood. This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our first and most important role—to be His SLAVE. As He tells us in Surah Dhaariyat (Chapter of the Winnowing Winds), “And I did not create the jinn and humankind except to worship Me.”3

Worship comes in such a variety of forms. Being a housewife (a.k.a. domestic engineer!) can be a form of worship. Being a stay-at-home-mom can be a form of worship. Being a working wife and mother can be a form of worship. Being an unmarried female student can be a form of worship. Being a divorced female doctor, a female journalist, Islamic scholar, film director, pastry chef, teacher, veterinarian, engineer, personal trainer, lawyer, artist, nurse, Qur’an teacher, psychologist, pharmacist or salon artist can each be a form of worship. Just being an awesome daughter or house-fixer upper can be forms of worship. We can worship Allah (swt) in a variety of ways, as long as we have a sincere intention, and what we do is done within the guidelines He has set for us.

Unfortunately, however, that is not the message our community is sending to single sisters – both those who have never been married, and those who are now divorced. When I speak to many women and ask them about the ways they want to contribute to society and the ways they want to use their time and abilities, a number of them will tell me that they have no idea and that they’re only going through the motions of school or work while they’re waiting for Prince Muslim to come along and with whom they can establish parenthood.

However, Prince Muslim is not coming along quickly or easily for many awesome, eligible Muslim women. And for some, he has come along, and he or the institution of their relationship turned out to be more villainous than harmonious. Single and never married or divorced — very capable and intelligent Muslim women constantly have to deal with the pressure of being asked, “So…when are you getting married? You aren’t getting any younger. It’s harder to have kids when you’re older.”

The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.

Islam gave women scholarship. Our history is filled with women who have dedicated their lives to teaching Islamic sciences. Have you ever heard of Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr? She was a scholar who was born around the year 522. Her father, Sa`d al Khayr, was also a scholar. He held several classes and was “most particular about [his daughters] attending hadith classes, traveling with them extensively and repeatedly to different teachers. He also taught them himself.”4 Fatimah studied the works of the great al-Tabarani with the lead narrator of his works in her time. You know who that lead narrator was? The lead narrator of Fatimah’s time was not named Abu someone (the father of someone, indicating that he was a male). The leading scholar of her time was a woman. Her name was Fatimah al-Juzadniyyah and she is the scholar who men and women alike would study under because in that era, she was the greatest and most knowledgeable in some of the classical texts.5 Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr eventually married and moved to Damascus and eventually to Cairo and she continued to teach. Many scholars travelled specifically to her city so they could study under her.6

Fatimah was brought up in a family that valued the education and knowledge of a woman to the point that her father was the one who would ensure she studied with scholars from a young age. Before marriage, she was not told to sit around and be inactive in the community out of fear that some men would find an educated woman unattractive or intimidating and would not want to marry her. She was not going through the motions of studying random things in college because she was stalling until she got married. She sought scholarship and Allah (swt) blessed her with a husband who was of her ranking, who understood her qualifications and drive, and who supported her efforts to continue teaching this religion even after marriage. She left a legacy we unfortunately have most likely never heard about because we rarely hear about the over eight thousand female scholars of hadith who are part of our history.7

Why do we never hear about Fatimah Sa`d al Khayr and the thousands of female scholars who were like her? I think that one of the reasons—and it’s just a personal theory—that as a community, we are so focused on grooming our women to be wives and mothers that we lose sight of the fact that this is not even our number one role.

Servitude to Allah (swt) is our number one role. We need to use what He has given us, the means that we have at the moment we have, to worship Him in the best of ways.

Islamic history is filled with examples of women who were wives and mothers, who focused completely on their tasks of being wives and/or mothers, and produced the likes of Imam Ahmed rahimahu allah (may God have mercy on him).8 We take those examples as a community and we reiterate the noble status of such incredible women.

But we also have examples of people who were not only wives and not only mothers, but those who were both of those, one of those, or none of those, and still were able to use the passions, talents and skills Allah (swt) blessed them with to worship Him through serving His creation, through calling His creation back to His Deen and leaving legacies for the generations to come. Some of these women were wives and mothers and dedicated their lives to focusing on their families completely and some of them continued to serve the greater society at large.

Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his Dictionary of women hadith scholars, Al Muhadithaat, “Not one [of the 8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein, or considered being a woman undesirable or inferior to being a man, or considered that, given aptitude and opportunity, she had no duties to the wider society, outside of the domain of family life.”9

Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and when able, they also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to the ummah (community) and society at large. They are loving worshipping Allah (swt) through investing in their abilities and using those for the greater good. Perhaps we can all take from their example.

God, in His Wisdom, has created each one of us differently and in different circumstances. Some recognize this, love any stage they are in, and develop their abilities to the fullest. Let us, too, use the time and abilities God has given us to maximize our worship to Him and work for the betterment of society and humanity as a whole. If wifehood or motherhood comes in the process, then at least we were using all of our ability to worship Him before it came and can continue to use the training and stamina we gained before marriage to worship Him with excellence once it comes along.

If there are parents, families and communities that are pressuring women to get married and have kids: Be grateful Allah (swt) has blessed you with daughters, married or unmarried, mothers or not, as the Prophet ﷺ has said, “Do not be averse to daughters, for they are precious treasures that comfort your heart.”10 We are putting more pressure on our sisters than they can emotionally and psychologically handle. Let us give them space, let them find themselves and establish their relationships with Allah (swt).

Allah (swt) created us to worship Him. That is our number one role. Now, let us do our part and figure out how best we can fulfill the purpose for which we’ve been created.

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationsh...s-to-paradise/

[جوري]

Great article .. Jazaki Allah khyran..

:w:

[Insaanah]

:sl:

JazaakiAllah khayr for this excellent article. While wifehood and motherhood are the norm, and what most sisters want deep inside their hearts, and pray for, for some sisters, the chances of that happening are very slim save a miracle like that which Allah bestowed on Zakariyya alayhissalaam.

Many sisters, though, would be content with that, and at peace with it, and with whatever Allah has decreed for them. The suffering though, is not inflicted by Allah, but by humans:

If there are parents, families and communities that are pressuring women to get married and have kids: Be grateful Allah (swt) has blessed you with daughters, married or unmarried, mothers or not, as the Prophet ﷺ has said, “Do not be averse to daughters, for they are precious treasures that comfort your heart.”10 We are putting more pressure on our sisters than they can emotionally and psychologically handle. Let us give them space, let them find themselves and establish their relationships with Allah (swt).

The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.

Pressure is one thing which comes from wishing to see you married, and can be understandable, but the associated community gossip, why aren't they married, they must be too fussy etc, and the parents are seen as failures, can be hurtful.

While one can blind one's eye and close one's ears to people in the community that can't keep their tongues still, for some sisters, the biggest problem can sometimes be that of families, their own parents in fact, who cannot internally cannot come to terms with and accept Allah's decree and thus lash out and blame their spouse and their unmarried children for the fact that they aren't married.

These are just some of the problems that some sisters face, which may not be obvious to others, and may not even enter the minds of others. Perhaps for them, sabr in a situation like this, is also one of the ways to paradise. Allahu a'3lam.

There's a recent thread called You're Single, not Dead, which I felt was looking at things very simplistically and through rose tinted glasses. Living without a prince charming, or waiting for him, is so not even the tip of the iceberg.

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

JazakAllah for sharing this excellent article.



I think we should try to understand both sides of this situation.


Indeed, there are homes that place a lot of pressure on sisters (and brothers) to seek partners in life.

And standing in our shoes (the ones seeking marriage) - this often results in despondency, frustration and resentment of this type of attention.

However standing in the shoes of our loved ones - our parents, siblings, family members and friends - I do believe that in the majority of cases, they truly want to see us happy and what they regard as being best for us.

Any parent wants to see their daughter/ son married and starting a family for themselves.
And when this does not happen - they worry......and are unhappy on OUR behalf.
This is natural, and they do mean well.


Unfortunately, sometimes the manner in which this is done, leaves the receiver feeling worse than before.
Add to this, the frequency of questioning - at family functions, bumping into long-lost friends, work collegues, etc........and its no wonder that the single person is left wishing that this topic is never raised again.


The article mentions:

The amount of tears, pain, stress, anger and frustration which these awesome women are constantly dealing with because of a social pressure to get married (especially when many already want to, but are just not finding the right person!) and have children is not from our religion.

I think we should realise that it is not entirely a 'social pressure' to get married.
This pressure also stems from the knowledge of the great sunnah of marriage, and the many, many benefits of marriage to both man, woman and society.


And while the article is correct in saying: "Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise".......we still should be striving ernestly (through halaal means and plenty of duaa) towards completing half our deen through marriage.


Although the pressure from society does add to our woes, alot of this pain does emit from ourselves as well.

Alhamdulillah, we may show patience and acceptance of Allahs decree for our lives (one that may not include marriage).......but in the deep recesses of our hearts, many will still yearn for the companionship, love and bonding - that can only be expierenced through marriage.
This is a normal human desire that Allah has instilled within men and women.

Some women will eventually become wives and/or mothers, if Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) blesses them with such, but for others, Allah (swt) has blessed them with other opportunities.

Alhamdulillah - at the end of the day, no matter how our lives may unfold - marriage or no marriage...... children or no children - in the face of all our efforts and duaas.....then we should be content in saying that this is Allah (subhanawataaálas) plan for me.
And this is the best plan, even if I cannot understand it.


We may try to convery this message to our families and all those around us.

But do not always expect them to accept it the same.
We are not all at the same level of imaans to view life in this way.

And as mentioned, most concerned members in our families do mean well.

So the next time someone asks: 'When are you getting married?' - Ask them: 'Do you perhaps know someone that you can introduce me to?' : )

We should avoid being over-sensitive about the situation (and yes, this may be hard) - but rather try to use the opportunity to let everryone know that you are indeed looking for a partner, and you would greatly appreciate their help and referrals. : )



:wa:

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[GodIsAll]

Nice article. Thank you so much for sharing. I never could fathom why a lady would attend college or choose a certain major to "find a man". I've seen it, but it always seemed like the wrong reasons to me...

In the rural area where I live, if a man is not married by the time he is 25, he MUST be a homosexual or something...

I didn't get married until I was 30. Why did I wait so long? I couldn't find anyone that would tolerate me, that's why.

I thank God I listened to his will and waited. I am truly blessed with a wonderful woman whom I adore. For some reason, she adores me as well...go figure, it takes all kinds.

15 years of wedded bliss!

Oh...one more thing. I was 34 and she 37 when we had our first and only child. By the time you believe your life is stable enough to be a proper, well-adjusted, financially secure parent, you have no hope in keeping up with them!

Okay, enough rambling. My point is she waited, too. It is much better to do it God's way. Better to wait and get it right than to take your own path merely for the sake of being a wife and mother. You'll know, God willing, when it is right.

Peace.

[TrueStranger]

Nice article. Thank you so much for sharing. I never could fathom why a lady would attend college or choose a certain major to "find a man". I've seen it, but it always seemed like the wrong reasons to me...

In the rural area where I live, if a man is not married by the time he is 25, he MUST be a homosexual or something...

I didn't get married until I was 30. Why did I wait so long? I couldn't find anyone that would tolerate me, that's why.

I thank God I listened to his will and waited. I am truly blessed with a wonderful woman whom I adore. For some reason, she adores me as well...go figure, it takes all kinds.

15 years of wedded bliss!

Oh...one more thing. I was 34 and she 37 when we had our first and only child. By the time you believe your life is stable enough to be a proper, well-adjusted, financially secure parent, you have no hope in keeping up with them!

Okay, enough rambling. My point is she waited, too. It is much better to do it God's way. Better to wait and get it right than to take your own path than merely for the sake of being a wife and mother. You'll know, God willing, when it is right.

Peace.

Masha"Allah that is what I call patience. May Allah bless your marriage and family.

[GodIsAll]

Thank you. It is blessed.
My lovely and adoring wife is better than I
deserve (although she argues this). God is good.
My son: lively, entertaing and a ray of sunshine in my life. God is good.

[Alpha Dude]

When I speak to many women and ask them about the ways they want to contribute to society and the ways they want to use their time and abilities, a number of them will tell me that they have no idea and that they’re only going through the motions of school or work while they’re waiting for Prince Muslim to come along and with whom they can establish parenthood.

I think this is a general thing with youth, across all races, creeds and gender. A lot of people don't really think about 'helping the community'. They're just going through the motions of life. I.e. study till you pass uni and then find out what to do after. Not many people have aspirations or the grand thought of shaping their lives in such a way that they help the community.

[ardianto]

What's wrong if a girl just wants to be a wife and a mother? :)

[جوري]

What's wrong if a girl just wants to be a wife and a mother? :)

she goes and writes in the threads about just wives and mothers... this is obviously an orphan article...

:w:

[ardianto]

she goes and writes in the threads about just wives and mothers... this is obviously an orphan article...

:sl:

I think the article is about pressure to get married. But "contribute the society", and "helping the community" in bro Alpha Dude post made me thinking if a woman does not active contribute the society and helping the community because she is focus to her duty at housewife and mother?

[Snowflake]

We can't all be housewives, just like we all can't be doctors. That's how life is. A building doesn't consist of bricks alone. It's made of so many different components to become complete. The same goes for society. We need women fulfilling different roles, being able to offer different things. So it doesn't matter what your role in life is. As long as you do what you do with honesty and compassion, for the sake of Allah, every individual has something valuable to offer, and make society a better place.

I personally want to see more women offering 'decorating/handyman' services, so that sisters can have jobs done without worrying about having non-mahrams in the house. That would be truly valuable in helping the ummah.

[جوري]

:sl:

I think the article is about pressure to get married. But "contribute the society", and "helping the community" in bro Alpha Dude post made me thinking if a woman does not active contribute the society and helping the community because she is focus to her duty at housewife and mother?

I think what he's saying is most people don't think about their role in society as a whole and just go through the motions of life... whether they become mothers or doctors they focus on the mill going through the motions being rearing kids or seeing patients and making money or baking bread but not how this extends to their neighbors, community, society etc.. that the service they provide to their immediate family or paying customers (and yes they call patients customers now in major university hospitals) is sufficient a role.. in fact it isn't.. and God knows if you donate to one of those organizations all the money goes to Sally struthers and the starving children remain starving while she gets fatter and fatter.. and well there's no hope for you to get that cleft palate repaired because you don't have healthcare insurance .. I am using house wives and doctors as an example for society at large.. so that is all that is left is for us to take our morality from Hollywood and wait for those 'stars' to donate to the homosexual organization of choice...

of course I am being philosophical because I have a headache..

:w:

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I think this is a general thing with youth, across all races, creeds and gender. A lot of people don't really think about 'helping the community'. They're just going through the motions of life. I.e. study till you pass uni and then find out what to do after. Not many people have aspirations or the grand thought of shaping their lives in such a way that they help the community.

Being a wife and mother IS the best way to contribute to society and help the community, that's what women don't think about. A community is made up of what? children and families. So, if you want to help a community and better it, you begin from home, because that is where it all begins.

Childbearing used to begin at 15-18 years of age for women on average, it is until recently that women start having kids at 30, that is why there is pressure in some cultures, because they understand this. Yes being 26 and not married and childless IS a problem, childbearing should be done early this way the woman still has good energy and is young still to teach her children and raise them well in her later 20's and early 30's. This is how it was done even 50 years ago, now....look around. Rather than waiting "for the right one" a woman should look within herself to see what SHE can change, not hold unrealistic expectations (because, lets face it, this is one of the bigger problems and why marriage gets delayed). Same goes for men.

Allah has made it very easy for women to reach Janna. It's under her husband's feet, she gets as much "credit" as a man does by praying in her home and the list really goes on and on. So if a woman wants to go out and "make a difference in the world" with some materialistic career, she is diluted if she thinks it will get her closer to Jannah than marriage will. Yes women have a right to get education, women can do many many things, but their first and most important obligation is the home and raising children.

- cOsMiC

[جوري]

to reach Janna. It's under her husband's feet,

??????????????

she is diluted if

???

faqid alshye9 la yo3teeh!

:w:

[TrueStranger]

Being a wife and mother IS the best way to contribute to society and help the community, that's what women don't think about. A community is made up of what? children and families. So, if you want to help a community and better it, you begin from home, because that is where it all begins.

Childbearing used to begin at 15-18 years of age for women on average, it is until recently that women start having kids at 30, that is why there is pressure in some cultures, because they understand this. Yes being 26 and not married and childless IS a problem, childbearing should be done early this way the woman still has good energy and is young still to teach her children and raise them well in her later 20's and early 30's. This is how it was done even 50 years ago, now....look around. Rather than waiting "for the right one" a woman should look within herself to see what SHE can change, not hold unrealistic expectations (because, lets face it, this is one of the bigger problems and why marriage gets delayed). Same goes for men.

Allah has made it very easy for women to reach Janna. It's under her husband's feet, she gets as much "credit" as a man does by praying in her home and the list really goes on and on. So if a woman wants to go out and "make a difference in the world" with some materialistic career, she is diluted if she thinks it will get her closer to Jannah than marriage will. Yes women have a right to get education, women can do many many things, but their first and most important obligation is the home and raising children.

- cOsMiC

Being a wife and a mother IS ONE of the best ways to contribute to society. Jannah is not under the feet of a husband, but rather that of the mother. However, Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:(1) “When a woman prays her five (prayers), (2)fasts her month (Ramadan),(3) preserves her chastity, and (4)obeys her husband, she will be told (on the Day of Judgement), “Enter Jannah from any of its (eight) gates.”

I can not for the likes of me understand why people emphasis the fourth part and not the first, the second, or the third condition. If a woman has taken care of the first three ( which is between her and Allah), then understanding and obeying her husband should never be a problem. And when it comes to raising children, last time I check it was a primary obligation on both parents. Why the emphasis is overwhelming more on the mother, that too, I can not understand.

[جوري]

I can not understand.

What I personally can't understand is how one is able to raise upright children at all if mired in ignorance of both religion and basic education?--how does one pass a solid foundation if one is missing it. They'll bring into the world nothing more than a litter with maybe the energy to chase them around but no hope of raising a generation any better than the one preceding-- Jannah doesn't belong to a woman for being under her 'husbands feet' nor is a woman 'diluted'--but I won't delve into this further as my sole desire is to highlight what's wrong with the picture not single someone out..

:w:

[Alpha Dude]

I think what he's saying is most people don't think about their role in society as a whole and just go through the motions of life...

Yes, that is what I meant. The author is saying that she talked to one woman who didn't have a goal to help the community and from that extrapolated that most women don't have such goals (because of xyz reason) but I'm saying it's not just women but there are many men of that age who are also just as nonchalent in that respect.

At that age, I couldn't care less about community work etc. I was ignorant and just going through the stages of life as is the general pattern for young adults (finish school, gain degree, find job, get settled). People aren't programmed to selflessly help the community around them.

Saying that though, strangely what I've noticed in young sisters of university age is that they are in fact more willing to help out the community than brothers. I can remember reading somewhere a sister was saying in her community whenever there was some kind of fundraising event or something of that nature, the brothers were always outnumbered and generally even sisters seem to be more forthcoming.

Although, I do see where the author is coming from. There are people who stifle the education of women and don't allow them to gain knowledge/understanding.

Cosmic, I think we need to avoid the two extremes here. People have different needs due to different circumstances and have been raised in different ways so what works for some won't work for others and as Dying Rose said, it's not practical for everyone in the world to do the same thing.

Personally, a woman not marrying because of some overly ambitious fixation on finding success in her career alone above all else, I dislike as it shows such a woman has her priorities mixed up. Think about it - marriage if half the deen right - it's a huge struggle and a person who signs up to it is going to be put through tremendous trials. On the day of judgement, the selflessness, patience, charity, kindness, service etc etc that a person would have had to do/show in order to be a spouse/parent/son or daughter in law would be worth a lot of good deeds. Any person willing to forgo this major bonanza opportunity to strike it rich for the sake of worldy success needs to check their perspectives on life and the hereafter.

Although, if a woman has noble ambitions like not marrying for the sake of selflessly helping the Ummah in whatever halal capacity, then MashaAllah, I'd consider such an endeavour praiseworthy and may even encourage it (depending on the circumstance).

People can do as they please as long as it's not haram. Work, but don't put marriage off as though it's a bad thing.

[جوري]

Think about it - marriage if half the deen right

We weren't created for hermitage we're social animals and in a very basic way want to matter to someone, have them belong to us and us to them.. nobody no matter how well off in their career will tell you otherwise. Schizoid Personality Disorder are the only ones who truly enjoy being alone and are a bit eccentric makeup a very very small percent of any population and tend to be men. So I don't subscribe to the notion that someone would favor their career over their personal life. Unfortunately however having a successful personal relationship isn't always possible or successful and that's a very sad thing. The article is meant to be conciliatory to people who are already greatly shunned and branded by society-- there has to be something wrong? You're a horrible person, or ugly or a biatch or too picky or something.. it can't just be that crap happened to you or that no one compatible came along.. People can't accept that calamities happen it forces them to re-consider the human condition and their own misgivings.. But labels, backtalk and frank backbiting is easier to dispense with than face up to the fact that none of us are immune from succumbing to some miserable life circumstance ..

:w:

[Alpha Dude]

The article is meant to be conciliatory to people who are already greatly shunned and branded by society-- there has to be something wrong? You're a horrible person, or ugly or a biatch or too picky or something.. it can't just be that crap happened to you or that no one compatible came along.. People can't accept that calamities happen it forces them to re-consider the human condition and their own misgivings.. But labels, backtalk and frank backbiting is easier to dispense with than face up to the fact that none of us are immune from succumbing to some miserable life circumstance ..

Oh, I do agree with that. Although, there are people out there who put career over marriage for no reason but to find some kind success. In which case, I think their measure of success is corrupt.

Schizoid Personality Disorder are the only ones who truly enjoy being alone and are a bit eccentric makeup

I didn't know they had a name for what ails me. :)

[جوري]

Oh, I do agree with that. Although, there are people out there who put career over marriage for no reason but to find some kind success. In which case, I think their measure of success is corrupt.

I have met a few uber ambitious people who have missed the train so to speak and unanimously they admit that the goal was never the ultimate satisfaction in their career so much as being able to stand on their own two feet and be able to be financially secure to face whatever life brings and it is almost always something in their life that has pushed them to that point.. Fear of failure or homelessness or not having a dignified life can make people linear in their thinking..

I didn't know they had a name for what ails me. :)

Oh I doubt that very much...:skeleton:

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

Being a wife and a mother IS ONE of the best ways to contribute to society. Jannah is not under the feet of a husband, but rather that of the mother. However, Abu Hurayrah reported that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:(1) “When a woman prays her five (prayers), (2)fasts her month (Ramadan),(3) preserves her chastity, and (4)obeys her husband, she will be told (on the Day of Judgement), “Enter Jannah from any of its (eight) gates.”

I can not for the likes of me understand why people emphasis the fourth part and not the first, the second, or the third condition. If a woman has taken care of the first three ( which is between her and Allah), then understanding and obeying her husband should never be a problem. And when it comes to raising children, last time I check it was a primary obligation on both parents. Why the emphasis is overwhelming more on the mother, that too, I can not understand.

“No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them.”

“If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands.”
‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) asked Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam): “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her husband.” She asked, ‘And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He said, “His mother.”
A woman came to ask the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.”

Reported by Ahmad and al-Bazzar, narrated by Tirmidhi, 2/314, in Abwab a-rida, Majma’ al-Zawa’id, 4/308, Bab haqq al-zawj ‘ala’l-mar’ah

‘Aishah urged women to take good care of their husbands and to recognize the rights that their husbands had over them. She saw these rights as being so great and so important that a woman was barely qualified to wipe the dust from her husband’s feet with her face, as she stated: “O womenfolk, if you knew the rights that your husbands have over you, every one of you would wipe the dust from her husband’s feet with her face.”

This is a vivid expression of the importance of the husband’s rights over his wife. ‘A’ishah wanted to bring this to women’s attention, so as to remove from the hearts of arrogant and stubborn women all those harsh, obstinate feelings that all too often destroy a marriage and turn it into a living hell.

sahih by Ibn Hibban, and with a jayyid isnad by al-Bazzar

Do you have reference to your quote? All of them matter, the thing is here, that a woman who does her daily prayers, fasts as she should AND is chaste will be able to see reality for what it is. It all goes together. A woman of Taqwa knows her place,its really quite simple.

As far as how we educate children with no formal education (as stated in another post). Well, what is formal education? Why does a person have to graduate from a place and have apiece of paper that states what they know? The scholars of Islam and the people who contributed the most to science, medicine and everything else are people who did NOT attend places like harvard or some facility of education. We can learn at home. I for one don't let a day pass by where I don't learn something new. Alhamdullilah. My daughter who is only 5 knows all the main body parts by their scientific names (ie: filanges (fingers) patella (knee cap) etc and she knows the names of all the continents and she can recognize them mashaAllah... list goes on. So that's an invalid argument IMO.

- cOsMiC

[CosmicPathos]

ersonally, a woman not marrying because of some overly ambitious fixation on finding success in her career alone above all else, I dislike as it shows such a woman has her priorities mixed up.

Why is it wrong? Why are her priorities mixed up? Its her choice. She can do whatever she wants with her ovaries and her head.

On one hand you are arguing for letting people do whatever they wish (like helping community selflessly) and are promoting such ideals, which is not necessarily a bad thing, and also saying that different strokes for different blokes, then on the other hand you are downplaying women who are over-ambitious (that is better than being just ambitious) who do want to give priority to their career and success and riches over starting families. Which one is it?

[CosmicPathos]

Do you have reference to your quote? All of them matter, the thing is here, that a woman who does her daily prayers, fasts as she should AND is chaste will be able to see reality for what it is. It all goes together. A woman of Taqwa knows her place,its really quite simple.

As far as how we educate children with no formal education (as stated in another post). Well, what is formal education? Why does a person have to graduate from a place and have apiece of paper that states what they know? The scholars of Islam and the people who contributed the most to science, medicine and everything else are people who did NOT attend places like harvard or some facility of education. We can learn at home. I for one don't let a day pass by where I don't learn something new. Alhamdullilah. My daughter who is only 5 knows all the main body parts by their scientific names (ie: filanges (fingers) patella (knee cap) etc and she knows the names of all the continents and she can recognize them mashaAllah... list goes on. So that's an invalid argument IMO.

- cOsMiC

like. ....

[CosmicPathos]

Schizoid Personality Disorder are the only ones who truly enjoy being alone and are a bit eccentric makeup a very very small percent of any population and tend to be men.

come on sis, not all men want to be cuddled and loved. I at one point did not enjoy being in company of others, especially women. and i dont have schizoid or szhizotypal (at least I hope so!).

[جوري]

As far as how we educate children with no formal education (as stated in another post). Well, what is formal education?

It isn't a question of formal so much as having one period in matters of deen and dounia-- You asked the sister for a reference yet I see none in yours to the fact that one gets paradise for being 'under the husband's feet'-- 'obeying' doesn't equal obsequiousness and mindless following with no forethought, agreement, compromise or respect of both beings to one another what Allah swt refers to in the Quran as 'mawaddah and ra7ma'. Furthermore, usage of wrong syntax and grammar isn't very promising that the children reared are going to be anymore than under-educated hoodlums ignorant of matters of religion and education if a woman's sole job is to be a mother and teach the future generation. Exactly what is she teaching them if her education is missing in both.. Then they'll be the sort of creatures who count against Islam rather than solid scholarly individuals to build a very ailing ummah. As br. Alpha said it is best to avoid extremes for they're not a part of the religion.

:w:

[جوري]

come on sis, not all men want to be cuddled and loved. I at one point did not enjoy being in company of others, especially women. and i dont have schizoid or szhizotypal (at least I hope so!).

well you maybe an individual case study.. but I think you haven't met the right gal yet.. underneath this cold exterior is a Mr. Softee..;D

:w:

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

It isn't a question of formal so much as having one period in matters of deen and dounia-- You asked the sister for a reference yet I see none in yours to the fact that one gets paradise for being 'under the husband's feet'-- 'obeying' doesn't equal obsequiousness and mindless following with no forethought, agreement, compromise or respect of both beings to one another what Allah swt refers to in the Quran as 'mawaddah and ra7ma'. Furthermore, usage of wrong syntax and grammar isn't very promising that the children reared are going to be anymore than under-educated hoodlums ignorant of matters of religion and education if a woman's sole job is to be a mother and teach the future generation. Exactly what is she teaching them if her education is missing in both.. Then they'll be the sort of creatures who count against Islam rather than solid scholarly individuals to build a very ailing ummah. As br. Alpha said it is best to avoid extremes for they're not a part of the religion.

:w:

First of all, i did not quote when I said paradise is at your husband's feet, i never said it was a fact or a hadith. There is no hadith like that, it's a saying or figure of speech, and I backed it up with relating hadiths. Second, when did I ever say that obeying was "obsequiousness and mindless following with no forethought, agreement, compromise or respect of both beings to one another" as you stated? Please refrain from putting words in my mouth. Knowledge comes from Quran and Sunnah, this is why I mentioned that the people who have contributed most to science and medicine did not graduate from some prestigious university here is a few of them



perhaps you are misunderstanding what I'm syaing, or just in this for the sake of arguing. Personally, I'm not. A woman's place is at home and raising a good family. The ignorant hoodlums you speak of are those who get abandoned when mom is busy with herself and fulfilling her career. I mentioned what I have thought my daughter as far as academics are concerned to make a point, she also knows how to make salaat, wudu and knows more Surah's than I do.

Going back to "obeying isobsequiousness and mindless following with no forethought, agreement, compromise or respect of both beings to one another"

There is a saying, "To assume is to make and ass out of u and me". I do not for one second believe that obeying is an ignorant thing. Right now the subject is women, because the original poster made it so, however there are two sides to the coin. Men and women must understand each other's nature and respect one another. A man doesn't hold a degree over women easily u know. So please don't be so quick to assume that a woman who holds views like mine is ignorant and is ready to be a doormat. lol.

- cOsMiC

[GodIsAll]

What's wrong if a girl just wants to be a wife and a mother?

Not a thing!

I just wonder sometimes if the girl is in love with the man and wants to build a life with him, or if she is only in love with the idea of being married.

[GodIsAll]

Schizoid Personality Disorder are the only ones who truly enjoy being alone and are a bit eccentric makeup a very very small percent of any population and tend to be men

Dang...she's on to me.

[جوري]

Dang...she's on to me.

All the schizoids are congregating on this board and yet seem very sociable at the same time.. it is peculiar..:hmm:

[Alpha Dude]

Personally, a woman not marrying because of some overly ambitious fixation on finding success in her career alone above all else, I dislike as it shows such a woman has her priorities mixed up.

Why is it wrong? Why are her priorities mixed up? Its her choice. She can do whatever she wants with her ovaries and her head.

Who said it's wrong? I said I dislike it.

On one hand you are arguing for letting people do whatever they wish (like helping community selflessly) and are promoting such ideals, which is not necessarily a bad thing, and also saying that different strokes for different blokes, then on the other hand you are downplaying women who are over-ambitious (that is better than being just ambitious) who do want to give priority to their career and success and riches over starting families. Which one is it?

Not really. I'm arguing that (i) a woman can selflessly dedicate her life for the sake of reward by not marrying if she has a just cause and sincere desire. Conversely, I'm saying (ii) a woman who doesn't have such selfless, God centric desires, but is doing so for personal gain without seeing the bigger picture, is doing herself a disservice, as she misses out on reward.

Person (i) is doing something good as it brings her reward whereas person (ii) is missing out on reward (and not making up for it in other ways). That's my point and that's why I dislike it. Of course, they can do as they please eitherway as long as it's halal.

I dislike approach (ii) in the same fashion as I woud dislike a kid who has the choice of spending his time and effort playing his favourite games console or striving to memorise the Quran but chooses the former. Playing games isn't haram but there is certainly more reward to be had in Quran memorisation.

[CosmicPathos]

perhaps they alternate between schizoid and histrionic personalities. ;D

[CosmicPathos]

Who said it's wrong? I said I dislike it.



Not really. I'm arguing that (i) a woman can selflessly dedicate her life for the sake of reward by not marrying if she has a just cause and sincere desire. Conversely, I'm saying (ii) a woman who doesn't have such selfless, God centric desires, but is doing so for personal gain without seeing the bigger picture, is doing herself a disservice, as she misses out on reward.

Person (i) is doing something good as it brings her reward whereas person (ii) is missing out on reward (and not making up for it in other ways). That's my point and that's why I dislike it. Of course, they can do as they please eitherway as long as it's halal.

I dislike approach (ii) in the same fashion as I woud dislike a kid who has the choice of spending his time and effort playing his favourite games console or striving to memorise the Quran but chooses the former. Playing games isn't haram but there is certainly more reward to be had in Quran memorisation.

why is personal gain such an unislamic thing for which she would be missing out on awards?

salam

[جوري]

First of all, i did not quote when I said paradise is at your husband's feet. There is no hadith like that, it's a saying,

Innovation is a worst thing then especially in this case..
As for the rest, I invite you to reread my posts. You've taken what I have written to an avenue where the demographics don't suit me and where I personally haven't tread..

:w:

[جوري]

why is personal gain such an unislamic thing for which she would be missing out on awards?

salam

Because then the main purpose of our creation is ignored. We're here to worship Allah swt and he's ever merciful by allowing multiple avenues for that one merely saying sobhan Allah in awe of creation is such a mean, one of the more important ones making up half your deen is marriage and I assume it completes half of it for both men and women alike.. so if that isn't pursued or possible at least the other half (with whatever that entails of service to Allah) should be fulfilled. do you not agree?


:w:

[Alpha Dude]

why is personal gain such an unislamic thing for which she would be missing out on awards?

salam

Wa alaykum salam,

Again, I didn't say it's unislamic. It's halal and permissible.

It's also permissible to not forgive someone who wrongs you but a person who does forgive obviously will earn more reward.

[Muhammad]

:sl:

Interesting... we had an article on this subject giving a different message - emphasising the role of wifehood and motherhood, and mentioning other activities being secondary to this:

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...omen-west.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...-part-2-a.html

[Crystal]

I don't think society nowadays gives many opportunities for wives or mothers to do anything else other than remain inside the home whereas being a wife shouldn't just be about that - you can be a wife and be a good Muslim by becoming involved in charity, education etc things that benefit others - I think it is our own fault that we categorise wives as women who sit at home and as a sister said earlier in the thread we need women in different roles in society - and society should provide these opportunities and not make it easier for single women just to get these jobs over married women or pregnant women. I know also that there are women who would prefer to stay at home and that is their decision but there are also women who want to be a wife, a mother and also provide a benefit to their society even if it is only 1 day a week helping to volunteer and all good deeds will be rewarded in the sight of Allah...also Islam is a religion about balance we shouldn't just focus our attention and restrict the role of women as being just a wife/mother

[TrueStranger]

Do you have reference to your quote? All of them matter, the thing is here, that a woman who does her daily prayers, fasts as she should AND is chaste will be able to see reality for what it is. It all goes together. A woman of Taqwa knows her place,its really quite simple.

As far as how we educate children with no formal education (as stated in another post). Well, what is formal education? Why does a person have to graduate from a place and have apiece of paper that states what they know? The scholars of Islam and the people who contributed the most to science, medicine and everything else are people who did NOT attend places like harvard or some facility of education. We can learn at home. I for one don't let a day pass by where I don't learn something new. Alhamdullilah. My daughter who is only 5 knows all the main body parts by their scientific names (ie: filanges (fingers) patella (knee cap) etc and she knows the names of all the continents and she can recognize them mashaAllah... list goes on. So that's an invalid argument IMO.

- cOsMiC

Are you asking for the reference of the hadith? If so, then it is in Sahih Al Bukhari. The problem here is this thread is not about women mistreating, disobeying, or committing a grievous sin against their husbands. Most of the women under deliberation are not even married, so they have no need to worry about a matter that does not concern them at the moment. Why is it that every time a woman’s economic, academic or social status is mentioned that matters concerning motherhood and wifehood are inserted into the conversation? A woman of taqwa is not a woman who is necessarily a mother or a wife.

It truly does not matter where one graduates from, as long as they have a solid education that was provided by a teacher who is qualified. The scholars of Islam had respected and educated teachers that personally taught them or they invested time, resources, and energy into scholarly matters. They did not gain knowledge over night without the help of anyone else. No one mentioned Harvard or any other Ivy League school.

There is nothing in the Quran or the Sunnah that specifically says women your primary obligatory roles are wifehood and motherhood. Motherhood comes naturally to all women who can become pregnant. Islam did not limit women to those two options and doing so today is unrealistic. As for the duties of a wife, as far as I’m concerned according to Islamic Law, her roles do not include cooking, cleaning, washing, and basic household chores. Marriage is more than duties and laws; it involves voluntary sacrifice from both parties. A woman’s obligation is not to be a housemaid, and Islam has not prescribed that role directly to women. The fact that she declines to undertake house chores does not directly translate to “disobeying the husband”. If they agreed before hand that she will become a housewife, then she has to take care of chores pertaining to the house.I personally do not think that housework should even be an issue. Whoever has free time could do the cleaning.

It’s beautiful that you are teaching your daughter all the knowledge you possess currently. But can you honestly state that you have the knowledge and time to teach her subjects such as economics, (Islamic) law, chemistry, biology, physics, business, astronomy, etc…. School and formal education are there to cover a wide range of subjects and provide comprehensively knowledge to young men and women. We do not need to go to both extremes to get to Jannah. Keep a solid relationship with God, respect your parents, spouse (if one is married), and do no harm to Muslims (non-Muslim).

The most perfect of the believers in faith are the best of them in morals. And the best among them are those who are best to their wives. (Narrated in Mosnad Ahmad, and Al-Tirmizi).

[جوري]

edit post....

[Insaanah]

It isn't a personal achievement to be a mother. We're literally per Quran 'gifted' 'wahabana laho' means gifted him with and you'll find that to be description whenever any messenger had a bushra 'glad-tiding' of a child-- it is certainly a matter entirely up Allah swt as is marriage:

I cannot agree more.

Parents merely donate two cells through no volition of their own and it is Allah swt who creates and grants life. Even if people pass the people's test of approval by getting married you'll find the same nags wondering when the little ones will come along and how a dutiful woman sole purpose if to breed with whatever insensitivity and pain that brings.

The insensitivity mainly comes from people who are "sorted" marriage wise.

People don't realise that Allah has gifted them with marriage, has gifted them their spouse, and their children if they have any, yet people think that it's because of some personal hard work or compromise of theirs (that others might not have put in) that they are married or are going to get married. Allah gives what He wishes to whom He wishes, and withholds from whom He wishes. Man must make every effort, and du3a, but if Allah hasn't decreed something for him, if all the people in the world gather together to try to make it happen, it simply will not happen.

being 26 and not married and childless IS a problem

Allah bestows children! Subhanallah. The person who reaches this age may not see Allah's decree thus far as a "problem", and may make an effort, make du3a for it, and accept whatever Allah decrees in the end.

Rather than waiting "for the right one" a woman should look within herself to see what SHE can change, not hold unrealistic expectations (because, lets face it, this is one of the bigger problems and why marriage gets delayed).

Again, another common thing. The assumption that those who aren't married, might not be married because of some unrealistic expectations of theirs.

May Allah grant us all the ability to recognise the magnitude of what we're bestowed with, to know that it is due to Allah's beneficience, to not judge others for what they haven't been bestowed with, and to make du3a for them, ameen.

[جوري]

Allah bestows children! Subhanallah. The person who reaches this age may not see Allah's decree thus far as a "problem", but may make an effort, make du3a for it, and accept whatever Allah decrees in the end.

I personally don't see why being 26 and without children 'IS' a problem.. can you? It is true advanced maternal age brings with it a host of genetic diseases but the consensus now is to test everybody for even though it increases with age it is women in their twenties that have the highest number of say 'Down syndrome' babies.. and even testing for that whether <26 or >26 doesn't change matters any.. unless of course we wish to subscribe to western ethics of aborting post natally what we deem useless creation..

:w:

[Muhammad]

:sl:

I think everyone has valid points but are coming from different angles. Some are coming from the point of view of women who are unable to get married, whilst others are coming from the point of view of women who are. It is certainly possible for a woman to contribute to society in so many ways, whilst being a wife and mother. However, we still need to recognise that wifehood and motherhood are extremely noble and valuable roles. I felt that some statements mentioned earlier seemed to downplay these roles:

Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood. This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our first and most important role—to be His SLAVE.

There is nothing in the Quran or the Sunnah that specifically says women your primary obligatory roles are wifehood and motherhood.

From the articles I linked to earlier:

When the Qur’an mentions other women, it is very evident that in praising any believing woman it praises her for possessing similar qualities. If she is a married woman the Qur’an would praise her as a wife, supporting her husband and being dutiful to him. If she is a mother, the Qur’an would praise her for her important role as a nurturer of the next generation. I have not witnessed the Qur’an praising any woman for her contribution outside of this framework. For example, we don’t see the Qur’an praising a woman for her political involvement, da’wah activism, level of knowledge, social engagement or even leadership. This article cannot possibly include the stories of all women mentioned in the Qur’an, but a simple analysis should confirm this finding.

The wife of Imran mentioned in Surah ‘Aal ‘Imran is another example of an exemplary woman. She was a wife and a mother. The main quality mentioned in Qur’an about her is what is mentioned in the verse,

“(Remember) when the wife of ‘Imran said, "O my Lord! I have vowed to you what is in my womb to be dedicated for your service, so accept this from me. Verily, you are the All-Hearer, the All-Knowing."^[7]

According to the exegete Ibn Kathir, the wife of ‘Imran mentioned here is the mother of Maryam, and her name was Hannah bint Faqudh. Muhammad bin Ishaq, the famous biographer and historian, mentioned that Hannah could not have children and that one day, she saw a bird feeding its chick. She wished she could have children and supplicated to Allah to grant her offspring. Allah accepted her supplication and she became pregnant. She vowed to make her child concentrate on worship and serving Bayt Al-Maqdis (the Masjid in Jerusalem). She did not know then if she would give birth to a male or a female child. The fact that this is the only thing mentioned about her indicates that this is the most important contribution that distinguished her and placed her in this praiseworthy position. It is evident from the story that her goal was to be a mother and when she knew that this was likely to happen she vowed to dedicate her child to serve Allah’s cause in order to thank Him for what he had given her. Similarly, Maryam’s chief contribution was her giving birth to a great Prophet and then taking care of him. The same may be said about the contribution of Musa’s mother. Their role in the lives and achievements of these great men was indispensable.

In this vein, a person might ask himself, why was it that Allah sent male Prophets and not female? He says, “And We sent not before you (as Messengers) any but men."^[8] It is noteworthy that Allah sent over a hundred thousand Prophets, three hundred and fifteen of them messengers^[9] and all of them were men.

If we survey the sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him), a similar understanding is found. The qualities of devotion to Allah and their families were at the centre of the praiseworthy qualities of women. For example, the Prophet clarifies the Islamic view regarding the best women and the central reason behind it saying, “The best women from the riders of the camels (the best Arab women) are the righteous among the women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in childhood and the most careful of women in regards to the property of their husbands.”^[10] In this hadith the Prophet explains their goodness by being good wives and good mothers.

[...]

It is true that there are a number of Qur’anic verses and Prophetic traditions that mention the contribution of women in military activities, their political participation and da’wah work, however an analysis of these incidents confirms that they were carried out as complementary activities to their principal role as wives or mothers. In fact, we can go so far as to say that we do not find an emphasis in the shari’ah on any role for a woman except her role as a mother, a wife or a righteous servant of Allah. For example, we find that the shari’ah considered jihad as one of the noblest activities for men but did not encourage women to take part in it despite the military contribution of a number of female Companions...

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...omen-west.html

Even in the original article of this thread, it mentions:

Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his Dictionary of women hadith scholars, Al Muhadithaat, “Not one [of the 8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein...

Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and when able, they also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to the ummah (community) and society at large.

So all this seems to indicate that being a wife and mother are principle roles to which other activities are complementary, whether alongside them or in situations where marriage or children are not possible. Of course the first and foremost role is to be a slave of Allaah (swt), but the Qur'an and Sunnah provide us with guidance and examples as to how to be the best slave possible.

And Allaah (swt) knows best.

[Abz2000]

my personal experience in the west is that of women getting a lot of peer pressure to go out and earn the bread, so they often leave out marriage and children etc just to work - from which taxes are extracted and the cycle continues, i am in no way against women working if the conditions are good and halal and there is no peer pressure or sheep mentality to do so. we actually need female gynecologists and other things where women are needed in place of men.
but the sad part of it is that the system slowly adapts to their working and rents and costs etc increase proportionately forcing them to work anyway, which i believe is wrong.
the mans duty is to bring in the bread and the womans duty is to ensure the kids grow up well,
with that, there are many grey areas.
but the perception the feminist movements and the bankers and governments that sponsor them are pushing is unhealthy and doesnt belong in an Islamic environment.
i see from my own experiences with nieces etc where they worked part time to fund college and then huge loans for uni, then work.
but the corruption it causes in them is sad, because Allah has made humans attract to the opposite gender from a much earlier age than they go to work, and much begins to happen in between - especially in this sick climate which the mass media and their sponsors are creating.
there is no either or argument to be had here, but understanding the situation and other factors on the ground is essential in making decisions - and this is no black and white issue.

[TrueStranger]

The idea is not to downplay the importance of wifehood and motherhood; they are both beneficiary roles that contribute to the social structure of society. However, there are plenty of practical, social, economic, and most importantly religious knowledge that could make any woman a better wife, mother, and Muslim. Let’s be realistic, those who argue for wifehood and motherhood roles usually take an absolutist stand. Phrases such as “it is the best”, and “they are the only praiseworthy roles of women” downplay the holistic capabilities of women in general. I'm not personally downplaying the noble status of both roles, but when compared to worshiping God, they both become secondary in nature. Men could be fathers and husbands, and yet how many scholars and even women encourage and emphasis the importance of being a father and a husband? Who dares label those two roles as primary roles for men. The Prophet (PBUH) has claimed to be the best to his family when he stated -

“The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I’m the best among you to my family” Al-Tirmidhi.

How many husbands and fathers try to be the best to their family, or even advocate for such a beautiful role?

Another matter that should be addressed as well, deals with some of the women who are mentioned in the Qu’ran. Asiya, the wife of Pharaoh was not complemented in the Qu’ran for her roles pertaining to wifehood or motherhood, but rather her “trust”, “patience”, and “devotion” to God. She changed her ways, stood-up for her faith in Allah, and her primary goal was to please Allah the Most High.

And God sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: 'O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong' -Surah Tahrim, Ayat 11

And in the same Surah Allah mentions the wives of Prophet Lut and Noah. They were blessed when it came to marriage for they were the wives of God's Prophets. However, their wifehood status nor their motherhood roles changed the fact that they became among those who entered hell. They simply rejected God.

Allah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve, the wife of Nuh (Noah) and the wife of Lout (Lot). They were under two of our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed their (husbands by rejecting their doctrine) so they [Nuh (Noah) and Lout (Lot)] benefited them (their respective wives) not, against Allah, and it was said: "Enter the Fire along with those who enter!" –Surah Tahrim Ayat, 10

And then there is the mother of Isa, Mary. Allah praises her not for being the best mother, but rather for guarding her chastity, testifying to the Truth, believing in God’s Scriptures, and most importantly, Allah say she was “of the Qanitin" –those who are Obedient to Allah.

In Surah Tahrim, Ayat 12
And Maryam (Mary), the daughter of 'Imran who guarded her chastity; and We breathed into (the sleeve of her shirt or her garment) through Our Ruh [i.e. Jibrael (Gabriel)], and she testified to the truth of the Words of her Lord [i.e. believed in the Words of Allah: "Be!" and he was; that is 'Iesa (Jesus) - son of Maryam (Mary); as a Messenger of Allah], and (also believed in) His Scriptures, and she was of the Qanitin (i.e. obedient to Allah).

And again in Surah Imran God speaks of Maryam the Mother of Isa....

O Maryam! "Submit yourself with obedience to your Lord (Allah, by worshipping none but Him Alone) and prostrate yourself, and Irkâ'i (bow down etc.) along with Ar-Râki'ûn (those who bow down etc.)." (Surah Al-Imran:42-43)

It’s quite simple Brother, motherhood and wifehood are secondary roles when it comes to Worshiping Allah Azza wa Jal. And they are not the only roles available for women when it comes to Islam. Whoever wants to do so, can do so and benefit greatly from it. No one is arguing here otherwise. But, please for the Love of God, let's not pretend as if those are the only best options available for Muslim women or that those roles are more significant then obedience to Allah, prostrating to him, and bowing down with those who bow down to God.

Allah knows best.

Salaam Aliakum.

[CosmicPathos]

How many husbands and fathers try to be the best to their family, or even advocate for such a beautiful role?

how many wives and mothers try to be the best to their family (including husband's family), or even advocate for such a beautiful role?

When you point fingers at someone, 3 fingers point back at you. A cliche statement, but quite true, at least anatomically. This was my last post giving your inanities some attention.

[Muhammad]

:wa:

The idea is not to downplay the importance of wifehood and motherhood; they are both beneficiary roles that contribute to the social structure of society. However, there are plenty of practical, social, economic, and most importantly religious knowledge that could make any woman a better wife, mother, and Muslim. Let’s be realistic, those who argue for wifehood and motherhood roles usually take an absolutist stand. Phrases such as “it is the best”, and “they are the only praiseworthy roles of women” downplay the holistic capabilities of women in general. I'm not personally downplaying the noble status of both roles, but when compared to worshiping God, they both become secondary in nature.

It should be clarified that those who regard motherhood and wifehood as being superior to other roles are not necessarily saying it is the only praiseworthy role, let alone the only role available for a woman in Islam, rather it is about priority and virtue of one thing over another. On the one hand you say certain other benefical roles could make a woman a better wife, mother and Muslim. I do not disagree with this. But on the other hand I received the impression from some statements in this thread that motherhood and wifehood should be viewed on an equal level as other roles women could hold. Forgive me if I got that wrong. But if true, this would indicate that a woman can choose whatever career/lifestyle she wishes, for whatever reason she wishes, and still be afforded the same status as a good wife and mother. I don't think this can be said.

Firstly, nobody is saying that the role of wifehood or motherhood is more significant than worship and obedience towards Allaah (swt) - this is impossible. Rather wifehood and motherhood are themselves acts of worship and obedience to Allaah (swt). You quoted the hadeeth earlier:

“When a woman prays her five (prayers), (2)fasts her month (Ramadan),(3) preserves her chastity, and (4)obeys her husband, she will be told (on the Day of Judgement), “Enter Jannah from any of its (eight) gates.”

Therefore there is nothing to indicate that being a wife and mother would stop one from worshipping Allaah (swt), rather they go hand-in-hand. If we are going to be realistic, let us consider whether other roles will help to achieve the same. It is the experience of many that pursuing other roles often comes with great costs involving their religious commitment, and basic duties like maintaining prayers and guarding chastity (including observing proper Hijab) are challenged very greatly, not to mention certain conflicts that arise for women in terms of travelling alone and so on. If we are advocating roles for women that help them to fulfil the primary objective of worshipping Allaah (swt) and being the best slave, we must bear this point in mind and they must consider their options accordingly.

I want to make it clear that I am not saying women should not pursue roles outside of motherhood and wifehood - rather I agree with what others have said in that we do need women to pursue certain roles such as those where women are needed in place of men, but these must be done with the right intentions and consideration must be given to the challenges that will be faced. Yet there are some roles that do not pose such difficulties for women and can reasonably be done alongside wifehood and motherhood, where they can contribute to society in a number of ways without compromising on their religious commitment. As more than one person said previously, there are many factors to consider in making the decision. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that what is "the best" role for a particular individual will vary, but what we are discussing is a general guideline. The shaykh who wrote the article I quoted is involved with the Islamic Shariah Council of Britain, and therefore he is probably bearing in mind in his argument the large number of cases of broken homes and marriages, which further shows the complexity of the issue.

Secondly, regarding the women mentioned in the Qur'an, it is still interesting to note that wifehood or motherhood are roles mentioned alongside the qualities you quoted, in some cases being clearer than others. And the point is taken together with other texts from the Qur'an and Sunnah, indicating that wifehood and motherhood have a greater emphasis placed on them than other roles and cannot be regarded as equal.

I think the message that should be given is how to be a better wife or mother by benefitting others and contributing more to society. It shouldn't be a case of 'there are plenty of other things you can do instead' as a general guideline given to all.


And Allaah (swt) knows best.

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,


I think this discussion has somehow gone off-course from the original intention of the opening post (or my interpretation of it).

When I initially read the article - it spoke of the type of woman who DOES desire marriage and children, yet DESPITE her efforts, she remains single.

This does not necessarily imply that she has set her standards too high in her search for the ideal spouse......in fact - if piety is one of the most important criteria in finding a marriage partner - then, in todays age, how hard is this becoming to find?

From my own personal expierence:

Being 32, divorced and childless, I am left wondering - what are my chances of marriage and motherhood now?
I have realised how many younger, single women there are - all desperately seeking marriage.......

And what I have grown to accept, is that THIS is the decree of Allah (subhanawata'ala) for my life (as it is for many others who may never be fortunate enough to see marriage in their lifetimes).

Insha Allah, my Rabb will bless me with the favour of completing half my deen.
But perhaps, despite all my efforts and duaas, in His wisdom - He may not.

What we should realise is that Allah has a plan for ALL of us.
And no two stories run the same course.

We all desire the best in this life - good health, wealth, a faithful spouse, healthy and righteous children........and we may do our best to see fruition of this.

But, the decree of Allah is all that matters.
Perhaps, what He is denying you, is for YOUR own benefit - you just cannot comprehend it at this point in time.

Yes, marriage and children is a blessing from Allah Taa'la.

But have you not seen those, to whom it has become the greatest means of trial and displeasure of Allah?

In my own life - my imaan was at its all time low during marriage.
It was a struggle to read salaah, my version of 'hijab' was laughable, the Quraan remained untouched save for Ramadaan.......I was a sorryful example of a muslim.
Marriage did not add to half my imaan.....it very likely subtracted from it.

Today, I realise that what seemed like a tragedy - was actually a blessing in disguise.
I have never known Islam as I do today - and this is honestly all that really matters.

So, you see - while others may look at my single, childless life in sorrow and sympathy.......they will never know Allahs great favour in returning me...... to Him!
SubhanAllah......If I had to go through it all again - only to be in the place I am today, I will in a heartbeat.


What I am trying to say is: do not look at those who are single/ widowed/ divorced/ childless with a judgemental and critical eye.
Who knows why they have been denied the apparent 'blessings' of this worldly life......but the Almighty?

You may not be able to see the peace and tranquility in their hearts - despite lifes denials.

For they know that their life is running JUST as Allah had planned!
Alhamdulillah.


:wa:

[ardianto]

I just wonder sometimes if the girl is in love with the man and wants to build a life with him, or if she is only in love with the idea of being married.

Dream:
I am the princess in the tower. My prince will comes ride his white horse. The he will bring me to his castle, and marry me. :statisfie

Reality:
I can't remember how many prince I've meet. But if they were not belong to someone else, they chose other princess. :enough!:

There are girls who do not realize that get married is different than buy a handbag. If a girl falls in love to a handbag, she can buy this handbag, and the handbag belong to her. But if she falls in love to a man who she meet, could she have this man if he doesn't want to choose her?.

There are lucky girls who can have a man who make them fall in love. But mostly of girls are not lucky like this. They cannot have a man that make them fall in love. So, the only thing that they should do if they want to be happy is build ability to love a man who they can have.

[جوري]

For they know that their life is running JUST as Allah had planned!
Alhamdulillah.

masha'Allah what an excellent post.. indeed there are many parallels between you and many others here (many of us just prefer to close the book on painful chapters).. I personally lost the one I wanted to marry in April 2004 (to death) and that was beyond words or description really.. coming to terms with how someone can be snatched in the prime of their life was really difficult and I realize it is one of those things you just have to live with not get over.. made me largely a recluse, it affected my studies, took me longer than everyone else as I saw no purpose or direction or meaning to any of it.. but you're right in that we might not see tragedies for what they truly are.. a way to either draw close to Allah swt or lose our religion all together..

Almalu waalbanoona zeenatu alhayati alddunya waalbaqiyatu alssalihatu khayrun AAinda rabbika thawaban wakhayrun amalan

18:46 Wealth and sons are allurements of the life of this world: But the things that endure, good deeds, are best in the sight of thy Lord, as rewards, and best as (the foundation for) hopes.

[GodIsAll]

I personally lost the one I wanted to marry in April 2004 (to death)

I am sorry. My prayers that you may be reunited one day in paradise.

[جوري]

I am sorry. My prayers that you may be reunited one day in paradise.

As sr. Zaria said:

I have never known Islam as I do today - and this is honestly all that really matters.

and at least she observed, outside of Ramadan and for purely vain reasons I didn't even consider myself a Muslim.. you can have the strictest parents and live in the epicenter of it all- I lived in Saudi Arabia as a child yet never did the basic second pillar of Islam until my mid twenties .. so even though by all standards it was a tragedy that afflicted me & trickled to all aspects of my life and affected my relationship with others at least and al7mdlillah I became a Muslim while living on my own in a foreign country as opposed to just going through the motions for hypocrisy and may Allah swt make the best of our deeds the last of them and accept them from us and grant us highest meed in paradise ameen...

[TrueStranger]

:wa:

I want to make it clear that I am not saying women should not pursue roles outside of motherhood and wifehood - rather I agree with what others have said in that we do need women to pursue certain roles such as those where women are needed in place of men, but these must be done with the right intentions and consideration must be given to the challenges that will be faced. Yet there are some roles that do not pose such difficulties for women and can reasonably be done alongside wifehood and motherhood, where they can contribute to society in a number of ways without compromising on their religious commitment. As more than one person said previously, there are many factors to consider in making the decision. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that what is "the best" role for a particular individual will vary, but what we are discussing is a general guideline. The shaykh who wrote the article I quoted is involved with the Islamic Shariah Council of Britain, and therefore he is probably bearing in mind in his argument the large number of cases of broken homes and marriages, which further shows the complexity of the issue.

And Allaah (swt) knows best.

Salaam Aliakum Muhammed,

It’s quite visible that our arguments are not directly in conflict since they deal with two different situations. As stated before, everyone knows their religious responsibilities, their personal capabilities, and has the capacity to make informed decisions that are closely aligned with their religious and world interests. Again, this thread was never intended to compare and contrast motherhood, wifehood, religiosity, or economic security. The purpose of it was to inform girls and women who are not “Married” or /and are not “Mothers” about roles, that do not conflict with Islam and if done for the sake of Allah will be rewarding on Judgment Day.

I’ve read both of the articles you have mentioned on this thread, and honestly, it was not beneficial to me personally. Even when addressing single women, the Shaykh spoke of motherhood and wifehood, and introduced the notion that single women should have the intentions of getting married and having kids even if it does not materialized.There is nothing wrong with that. However, the overwhelming majority intend to get married and have kids if the possiblity presents itself, but how is that an advice to single women?


I’m not married nor do not have kids, so why should I waste time and effort intending to do something Allah controls, especially, when I’m currently undertaking realistic, practical, and reasonable actions which are in the process of materializing? I’m certain that the Shaykh has good intentions, but, I doubt houses are breaking apart as a direct result of working women or that motherhood and wifehood are the solution. I know of plenty of mothers and wives who are completely ignorant (sorry to use that term) about the activists of their children or their surrounding environment. One has to take wider social problems into consideration, and make convenient decisions to maintain their marriage and home. Restrictions are just temporary solutions, but having two educated, adoptive, and well-informed parents will probably find ways to maneuver around today’s endless problems. Why marriages dissolve is also another topic of its own.

I really do not want to further discuss the articles you have inserted into this thread. I’m sure that if someone wants to discuses those two articles they can directly post their comments in those two threads. Let's return to the OP.

[TrueStranger]

Assalamu-alaikum,


I think this discussion has somehow gone off-course from the original intention of the opening post (or my interpretation of it).

When I initially read the article - it spoke of the type of woman who DOES desire marriage and children, yet DESPITE her efforts, she remains single.

This does not necessarily imply that she has set her standards too high in her search for the ideal spouse......in fact - if piety is one of the most important criteria in finding a marriage partner - then, in todays age, how hard is this becoming to find?

From my own personal expierence:

Being 32, divorced and childless, I am left wondering - what are my chances of marriage and motherhood now?
I have realised how many younger, single women there are - all desperately seeking marriage.......

:wa:

Thanks for bring the discussion back on topic again. Quick question, have you ever considered adopting? The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said: "I will be like this in Paradise with the person who takes care of the orphan". 'Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) raised his forefinger and middle finger by way of illustration'" . [Reported by Imam al-Bukhari ].

Being a mother is more than being the biological mother of the child. Looking at the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) life you will see that he had three different mothers. Amina, who was his biological mother, Halima who was his wet-nurse, and finally, Fatima bint Asad who was his foster-mother.

May Allah grant you children and a righteous man with a beautiful character. Ameen.

[Muhammad]

Wa Alaykum Assalaam,

I didn't realise I had taken the thread off-topic, so apologies for that. Just to comment on one point:

I’m not married nor do not have kids, so why should I waste time and effort intending to do something Allah controls, especially, when I’m currently undertaking realistic, practical, and reasonable actions which are in the process of materializing?

The article explains this: 'Did you know that a person achieves with their intentions far more than he or she may achieve with their actions? So if a Muslim woman intends to be a mother and raise righteous children, or she wants to be a wife who supports her husband and protect his honour and his wealth – but for some reason she is unable to get married, then she will receive the reward for achieving what she sincerely intended even if it doesn’t materialise.'

[Insanely.Krazii]

It's under her husband's feet

I've never heard of that..? I've heard of the hadeeth that says that if Allah allowed for us to bow to other than Him (swt), it would be from a wife to her husband. And also:

“Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her, she will enter Jannah.” (At-Tirmidhi)

So, that's a way to Jannah :statisfie

My honest opinion, I think that if the guy has a well-paying job and there's no desperate need for money, then the wife should chill and not bother or stress herself out with work and instead focus on her hobbies, her husband, her kids, and her house.

Most of the time, we women have it going easy ;D

[~Zaria~]

Thanks for bring the discussion back on topic again. Quick question, have you ever considered adopting? The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) said: "I will be like this in Paradise with the person who takes care of the orphan". 'Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) raised his forefinger and middle finger by way of illustration'" . [Reported by Imam al-Bukhari ].

Being a mother is more than being the biological mother of the child. Looking at the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) life you will see that he had three different mothers. Amina, who was his biological mother, Halima who was his wet-nurse, and finally, Fatima bint Asad who was his foster-mother.

May Allah grant you children and a righteous man with a beautiful character. Ameen.

Ameen.

Ive actually been playing with the thought of adoption for some time now.
Insha Allah soon, when I can get my life back in order.......

I would really love to be a mother, insha Allah, and although there is something very special between the bond between a mother and her biological child.....just to have the ability to share my life, love and deen with, would be a blessing in itself.

There are soo many children in need of a loving, stable home - and more importantly, one that can raise him/ her in an Islamic enviroment, we should all be considering this if we have the means.

The hadith that you have quoted above about caring for ophans, is beautiful.

JazakAllah for reminding us.

:wa:

[kingkong]

You know I was at a Graduation Ceremony recently and guest of honour or whatever you call them was this former minister. So in she went and began a 20 min long rant about women aspiring to do this and women aspiring to do that, there's no doubting they should and no one should come in their way, but more and more people need a slapping because they make it sound like (if not directly) being a mother and a wife is bad thing.

At the of the former minister's speech most of the guys were angry, I was too, why the hell did she have to start her rant about her struggles to get equal attention on our happy day?

You are asking for women to pursue careers, again fine, but why aren't you going out of your way to encourage them to married life and motherhood.

It's the fricking problem with the world now, being a mother/wife isn't as respected as it should be.

[ardianto]

You are asking for women to pursue careers, again fine, but why aren't you going out of your way to encourage them to married life and motherhood.

It's the fricking problem with the world now, being a mother/wife isn't as respected as it should be.

It's not true if a woman want to work, it's means she does not respect to wifehood and motherhood. Many working women who I know in my place are good wives and good mothers. While some housewives who I know? .... they only care to themselves, spent their times only to having fun and gosip with other women.

A woman can be good wife or bad wife, can be good mother or bad mother not because her profession, but because her mentality.

No one here urge women to pursue career and disrespect wifehood and motherhood. The purpose of this thread is to motivate women who cannot get married to not lose their confidence. Those women cannot get married not because they did not want to get married, but because the men did not want to marry them.

It's better if we encourage the men to not shallow when they are looking for a wife.

[Cabdullahi]

Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise if you have fear that your husband will be abusive towards you and that an Islamic marriage is nothing but a deficit.

.................

[aadil77]

hmm, never knew how much pressure single sisters face

[ardianto]

Wifehood and Motherhood are Not the Only Ways to Paradise if you have fear that your husband will be abusive towards you and that an Islamic marriage is nothing but a deficit.

In certain cultures, fear of domestic violence becomes a factor that make women afraid to get married. Unfortunately, those abusive husband use Islam to legitimate this domestic violence. In example, those husbands treat their wives like slaves, and they say: in Islam, wives should obey the husbands. And it's makes Islam has a bad name.

First time I know about if from non-Muslim medias. I did not really believe. But later, I got similar information from Muslim medias. Very sad, Islam is used to legitimate behavior that against Islam.

[TrueStranger]

In certain cultures, fear of domestic violence becomes a factor that make women afraid to get married. Unfortunately, those abusive husband use Islam to legitimate this domestic violence. In example, those husbands treat their wives like slaves, and they say: in Islam, wives should obey the husbands. And it's makes Islam has a bad name.

First time I know about if from non-Muslim medias. I did not really believe. But later, I got similar information from Muslim medias. Very sad, Islam is used to legitimate behavior that against Islam.

These days Islam is being distorted to rationalize actions that are meant to keep certain groups or individuals in power. It all comes down to power, and interestingly enough some people have a perverted version of what power is. In most cases, people view domestic violence as an issue pertaining to the family and not a matter that destroys the social harmony of society. Domestic violence occurs almost everywhere, the defining factor is whether or not a particular society condemns, condones, rationalizes, or simply accepts such behavior to be part of the norm.

[Rhubarb Tart]

:sl:

Maybe Allāh Wants You to Become an ‘Ā’ishah and Not a Khadījah

Crosspost from Habibi Halaqas

by Anonymous



To Allāh belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is Able to do all things. [Surah Ash-Shura, 42:49-50]
 


It is the way how this Dunya rolls and it is the way how Allāh SWT has designed this Dunya to be. You may have something that other people have. And you may not have something that other people do not have.

Single people want to get married (and fast) because they think that's the only part of their religion that's deficient. Married people want to have children (and fast) because they think the only way they could truly be happy (and successful) is by having children. People with children want them to have the best of everything in this Dunya.

People with the best God-fearing children fear that their children would end up as failures in Dunya. And people with not-so-God-fearing children fear for their kids in the Ākhirah aspect. Married people want their freedom. Free single people want to be tied down in a commitment.

So the issue here is that we have to accept that regardless of what we want in this Dunya and regardless of whether or not we get it, we're still going to want more. And more. And so much more.

I've got proof:
On the authority of Anas b. Mālik, may Allāh be pleased with him, who narrated that Allāh's Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “If the son of Ādam had a valley full of gold, he would love to have two valleys, for nothing fills his mouth except dust. And Allāh forgives him who repents.” [Sahih Bukhāri, Volume 8 Book 76 Number 447]

I mean it's alright to want all those things because that's how Allāh SWT created us.

It's perfectly normal.

'Beautified for mankind is love of the joys (that come) from women and offspring; and stored-up heaps of gold and silver, and horses branded (with their mark), and cattle and land. That is comfort of the life of the world. Allāh! With Him is a more excellent abode.' [Surah Āle-'Imrān, 3:14].



But being focused on those things only in this world is not a healthy way to live in this Dunya. Your camera of life should not be zoomed onto this Dunya. A true Muslimah has foresight. She can see farther than that. Her eyes should be on something much better than all the pleasures of this Dunya. Allāh SWT continues the above verse:

'Say: Shall I inform you of something better than that? For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allāh. Allāh is Seer of His bondmen, Those who say: “Our Lord! We have indeed believed, so forgive us our sins and save us from the punishment of the Fire.” (They are) those who are patient, those who are true (in Faith, words, and deeds), and obedient with sincere devotion in worship to Allâh. Those who spend [give the Zakât and alms in the Way of Allâh] and those who pray and beg Allâh's Pardon in the last hours of the night. [Surah Āle-'Imrān, 3:15-17]



Allāh SWT promises you a kind of happiness that does not end. A promise of a Garden, your home inshaa'Allāh, for which you don't have to pay any bills. A husband or a companion who's physically and spiritually devoid of anything negative and unpleasing. And Allāh SWT's Pleasure! Imagine that all that time you gave up things fearing Allāh SWT and seeking His pleasure…in Jannah, how relieved you would be! That Allāh SWT is pleased with you eternally. But to be able to achieve all that one will have to do the following according to the verse above:

Ask for forgiveness for sins and seek refuge from punishment of the Fire
Be patient
True to Deen in actions and words
Obedient with sincere devotion in worship to Allāh SWT
Spend Zakah
Pray and beg Allāh SWT's Pardon in the last hours of the night (Qiyām al layl)
Dear Muslim Sisters: just because you don't have children, it doesn't mean that you are:

The only one being tested
The only one who does not have a certain type of blessing
That there's something 'wrong' with you
What is worse is that people may start pitying you. Some people start making up stories about you. You don't have time to waste if people do as they say these things. And you certainly don't have time to waste your life thinking that true successful marriage should be equated to children. As long as Allāh SWT did not say that, who are YOU to adopt such a definition? Worth thinking about. Isn't it?

What this also means is that just because you don't have a child right now, you won't have one forever. If it was easy for Allāh SWT to create Ādam AS without any parents and 'Īsa b. Maryam without any father, then do you think it is impossible for Him to bless you with a child?

What about the story of Zachariya AS who was very old and his wife who was barren? He said: “My Lord! How can I have a son, when my wife is barren, and I have reached the extreme old age.” He said: “So (it will be). Your Lord says; It is easy for Me. Certainly I have created you before, when you had been nothing!” [Surah Maryam, 19:8-9]

So what is it then which is preventing Allāh SWT from blessing you with a child?
Some reasons could be as follows:

–> You and your husband can't handle a child. Maybe it'll divert you from the Deen of Allāh SWT! Remember the story in Suratul Kāhf in which Khidr killed a boy because he was going to oppress his parents when he grew up?!

'Then they both proceeded, till they met a boy, he (Khidr) killed him. Mūsa(Moses) said: “Have you killed an innocent person who had killed none? Verily, you have committed a thing “Nukr” (a great Munkar – prohibited, evil, dreadful thing)!” (74)”And as for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared lest he should oppress them by rebellion and disbelief. (80) [Surah Al Kāhf ]

Think about that! And Allāh SWT does not burden a soul beyond its capacity.

'Allâh burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned…' [Surah Al Baqarah, verse 286]

–> You and your husband's past sins. Now it doesn't mean that those who have kids are righteous people. Not at all. But when one faces a certain challenging situation, one must look at oneself and see why is that certain type of Rizq is not coming my way? Rizq includes money, kids, spouse…in fact it includes everything that Allāh SWT bestows us with. Here's a solution in the Qurʾān :

“I said (to them): 'Ask forgiveness from your Lord; Verily, He is Oft-Forgiving; 'He will send rain to you in abundance; 'And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.' ” [Surah An Nooh, 71:10-12]

Here Prophet Nooh AS proposes one key method to get rain, increase in wealth and children. And that one key method is Istighfaar. If you really want kids, you may want to focus on creating a routine of Istighfaar. Of course, most of you want kids. Would most of you end up asking for forgiveness?

–> Allāh SWT wants to choose you for Himself. What I mean by that is, often times our hearts are filled with love for people and things. Once those people and things no longer reside in our heart, then only we have room for Allāh SWT. One can never have Allāh SWT and love for this Dunya in their hearts because we all know that hearts are like any other vessels. So we end up then pleasing those whom we love, forgetting the One who granted us the object that we loved and the emotion of love itself.

'…And of mankind are some that set up rivals; unto Allāh they love them as with the love due to Allāh. And those who believe are strongest in love of Allāh…'[Surah al Baqarah, 2:165]

By not granting you kids, Allāh SWT does not want you to waste those emotions over kids. Instead He SWT wants you to love Him more than anyone else. He want to empty your heart from all other types of love which shackle you and make you weak and He wants you to love only Him. Him Alone. So much so that your eyes only see the Guidance He SWT has sent, your ears hear what He SWT wants you to hear…He SWT does not want you to get distracted. He wants you to be focused on the greater purpose of your creation…

Makes you love Allāh SWT more, right?

I mean imagine the situation of Aisha RA. She did not have any kids. But you know what? She ended up teaching and guiding millions and billions of kids. She was not only a mother because she's the Mother of Believers…she lived up to it by caring for those who came to learn from her just like a mother.

So what if you don't ever become a mother? Can't you channelize that love and guide other people's kids? Can't you become a mother to those kids who are orphaned? Can't you be a form of mercy by educating other kids to become great Muslims?

Think about it! Think about the reward!
You may not become a Khadija, who gave birth to all Prophet's kids but you then get the chance to become Aisha. Khadija, may Allāh SWT be pleased with her, raised excellent kids and we know all the wonderful qualities she had and all the beautiful ways she contributed towards advancement of Islam. But she didn't get the chance like Aisha RA, i.e. to teach the Salaf, to become a Faqiha. Why? Because Allāh SWT gives some people some blessings while others, other blessings.

What's important to remember is how would YOU utilize the blessings that you have in His Path?

One way to be content with whatever comes your way is by having good expectations of Allāh SWT. If Allāh SWT made things happen, then know that they are good for you. You may not know but Allāh SWT does because He SWT loves you more than you or anyone can love you.

“Allāh `azza wa jall said: 'Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware'.” [Tabarani]

So be content and leave everything to Him.

Because He SWT knows what we want and He SWT knows when to grant us what we want. Or sometimes whether or not to grant us those things. For He SWT knows best.

***

Some duaas that you can recite daily (all from Qurʾān ) to be blessed with righteous offspring and/or rectify the state of current offspring:

Surah Al Baqarah, verse 128
Surah Āle-'Imrān, verse 38
Surah Ibrāhīm, verse 40
Surah Al-Furqān, verse 74
And how can you ensure that Allāh SWT listens to your duaa? Look at what Zachariya AS and his wife are described as doing:

And (remember) Zakariyya (Zachariah), when he cried to his Lord: “O My Lord! Leave me not single (childless), though You are the Best of the inheritors.” So We answered his call, and We bestowed upon him Yahya (John), and cured his wife (to bear a child) for him. Verily, they used to hasten on to do good deeds, and they used to call on Us with hope and fear, and used to humble themselves before Us. [Surah Al Anbiya, 21:89-90]

But always remember:

'And it is not your wealth, nor your children that bring you nearer to Us (i.e. pleases Allâh), but only he who believes (in the Islâmic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds (will please us); as for such, there will be twofold reward for what they did, and they will reside in the high dwellings (Paradise) in peace and security.' [Surah Saba,34:37]

Why's that? Because:

'Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds, that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope. [Surah Al Kāhf , 18:46]

May Allāh SWT make us content with what He has Decreed for us and bless our Ummah with righteous offspring. Ameen.

And Allāh SWT knows Best. Please remember me in your duaas.

Wasalamu alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Love,

From a sister who cares.

http://muslimmatters.org/2012/04/06/35818/

[~ Sabr ~]

Lol, you can still be married and work, and do both.