My quest for change has been 4 years long, 4 years later...

[anonymous]

Salaam all. Sori if this post is too long but ive literally tried to seek all the help i can even in the "real" world and nothing has worked. This is a really low point in my life. May I sincerely ask for your duas that Allah helps me and increases me in goodness and helps me and may Allah bless you all and increase you in the good in this world and the akhirah. Ameen. JzkhAllah in advance.

Aaliayh said "if at first you dont succeed, pick yourself up and try again", I guess she forgot to mention that after the "picking yourself up" bit gets all too common, it gets more and more harder to continue picking yourself back up.

This post isnt a rant about my sad life. Ive done this before, im pretty mad at my family for burdening me with so much responsibilities that it has contributed to my extreme depression (thoughts of suicide and being able to relate to those who commit suicide, sacred to ever do it out of fear of Allah's punsihment) and general sadness. Im tired of expecting change from them. I am also really working on forgiving them. They are lovely, realy they are and I do sincerely forgive them and after all they are my fam and theres problems and misuderstandings like all. S

So i have accepted my responsibilities in life in an attempt to use that to make me move on from concentrating about my injustice towards what I CAN do to see things differently. But i feel like im losing the battle at times and this post is about those of us who find themselves in difficult situations in life, every day facing obstacles that many others in their 20's are not facing, being responsible for the care of family members and albeit rewarding, carrying that stress with you alongside how it affects your depression. This post is about falling down but this time having no energy whatsoever to get back up.

Ive tried getting back up for such a long time now, 4 years, but after hitting rock bottom last time, I have spent an entire week and a half locked in my house, and generally not being able to understand how such a positive spirit could end up spending 4 years of my life dealing with non stop obstacles. Not understanding how all my talents, all my joy has turned into this life of misery.Alot of these obstacles relate to my depression which has come from many problems including what turned into an eating disorder, dealing with the stress of responsibilities and how that affected my eating disorder and then the cycle of feeling down about it and how I feel powerless. My dream? To have a whole year with no more responsibilities? Some may find that selfish but not many 20 something year olds can say they have sacrificed everything including their sanity to continue helping other family members. Not many 20 something your olds deal with responsibilities. I feel like I have already experienced what life like a parent is and its no joke. Im serious. Im already in search 4 grey hairs and to my shock I thought I found one 2 :omg:

Since my dreams arent likely to happen in relation to how things are currently, I am trying very hard to work around my life. And alahmdullilah things have got better but im still left feeling like anytime I resolve to change, whether its my salah, whether its my intention to deal with my depression, whether its my desire to be a better person, I am always later on confronting another obstacle that destroys me further. I want to be a better muslim, Allah tests me with responsibilities, I want to perfect my manners, Allah tests me with a family member who is rude and can go looking for an arguement, I try and deal with depression, Allah tests me with the stress of also being responsible for others. I truly love Allah or atleast I want to achieve that level of beauty where I have the best of love for Allah as my Lord and Allah loves me as a slave. I dont harbour subhanAllah any ill feelings towards Allah for I remember all the beautiful things my lord has bestowed upon me, that tears falll down upon reflection, Ya Allah thank you soo much.

Like I said ive ranted and got angry at my life before, but I am always looking for answers, ways out trying to be proactive and learning from mistakes which is exactly why I post this but what my exact point is, is I feel challenges and obstacles are all coming at me at once and have been for these past 4 years and now it feels like that proactive spirit has been slowing dying. Its been too long, many tears have fallen and I wonder now more worryingly that this is a punishment from Allah. My depression has stopped me from being proactive, from stopping my salah, from everything because thats what depression does to you. A punsihment from Allah subhanAllah, I thought about this the other day when thinking how life in this earth has since these past 4 years have very ahrd and miserable and I have struggled in my deen. I thought subhanAllah the worst thing is that I may suffer in this world and be doomed in the hereafter. may Allah save us all from that. Amen.

In every direction where I want to be a better person, i find endless obstacles and these are not small changes I want to make. Trying to deal with depresison alone is hard work, trying to be a better muslim who does their salah whilst having depression is hard work, trying to deal with leanring to eat better to end eating disorders whilst having depressing and dealing with respoonsibilities and whilst also tyring to get up and pray is hard work, you all get the point in sha'Allah, its like im overwhelemed.

When I read about Malcolm X rahimullah I get so inspired and I think "How did he mamange to give up everything in one go". A drug addict, goes clean, not only that he starts learning and betters himself by Allah swt will. But the most crucial stage in Malcolm X initial stages of change happened in prison. He had all the time to fix himself there. With me I feel like I care for family members, have a huge repsonsibility like this and this is hard work and this overwhelms me so much so that it really at times destroys my positive changes im making and reduces my energy levels.


Im just haning on now, hoping that one day i have an ephinany and im inspired to give it one more try but for the life of me im dying inside. 4 years on, im still here and in a worser condition I was before. 4 years on im on a random forum at 3.30 in the morning not really understanding what ive been writing for an hour. What have I been trying to say? What am i saying? I dont know. I just want a light to show me the way out of the darkness? Ya Allah may you help me. Im tired of getting back up, I want to make the change that Malcolm did once and for all and no going back, I want to be free from depresison, free from all of these problems. but it really seems like my circumstances are so hard that its like figting a raging bull gripped to your shirt to release you free.

I dont know guys, im just tired thats all.

Anyone who reads this and responsds my sincerest of thank you's. I dont think people say that enough to each other anymore, atleast not sincerely, but thank you for caring when you dont have to. W.salaam!

[Alpha Dude]

Assalamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,

Allah has said, to the effect: "On no soul do We place a burden greater than it can bear" [23:62].

This means whatever Allah tests us with, we are able to cope with it. Allah is not unjust. It may seem hard but whatever pressure we face outwardly, Allah has made us in a way that we are able to withstand it. Some people flinch over something really minor but if the same thing were to happen to others, they wouldn't even be phased by it. There is a difference in the capability to cope certain things amongst people. If Allah has given you a lot of hardship, he has also given you a heart that is strong enough to bear it.

It may not seem like it right now, but you do definitely have this strength. It's not beyond you.

Every single little hardship you face, it wipes away your sins so that you will meet Allah on the day of judgement with minimal bad sins. It is a favour of Allah upon you.

Everything you struggle with, you are rewarded for your effort.

Sometimes our pains and troubles overwhelm us. We need to let it go. Let everything go and stop worrying too much. Entrust our affairs into the hands of Allah. I mean, 100% leave it with Allah.

E.g. Let's say a person comes to you in the morning and demands 100 pounds by the evening which if you don't have, he says he will shoot you. You do all your best to gather 100 pounds during the day but if you can only manage £50, you should take that £50 and leave the rest to Allah without backing away and despairing. Desparing in this case shows a lack of connection with and trust on Allah. Whatever Allah lets happen in your life, it happens for the best. So if you were to be shot by this person, you should accept that it is the plan of Allah and it is for your best.

Strengthen your connection with Allah.

Dua is a very potent method to do this. Perform 2 rakah nafil salah at night when you are alone and make a very long, heartfelt dua for guidance in all matters. Pour your entire heart out and ask everything and anything you desire help from and what you desire for yourself in life and in the hereafter. Do this every night for life.

Allah is as we think him to be (as mentioned in hadith). So, when you make dua, you need to have conviction and have it in your heart that whatever you are asking will be granted to you and Allah is listening, even though you may not be granted it straight away - in which case you should assume Allah is withholding it for some wisdom that is beyond your understanding (or it may be given to you in a different manner or an obstacle that would have struck you later in life has been removed or even the reward for that dua is awaiting you in jannah).

To make your dua more potent, you need to strive to avoid sin and do the obligatory actions to the best of your ability.

[anonymous]

Wa Alaykum wa salaam and JzakhAllah Alpha Dude, thank you for your response. Much appreciated.

The reply has alot to ponder and reflect on and ive had my own mini break throughs right now that have helped me so much so yea awesome alahmdullilah. Its positive, im learning now that if I put Allah first and seek change in regards to matters of my deen and fulfilling my obligatory actions then in sha'Allah Allah will help me in all other aspects. But if I dont go through this route, then I will not find peace anywhere else. 4 years on, i guess ive learnt now that I should have put Allah first.

Going to take the points you have made and in sha'Allah implement them with sincerity in sha'Allah.