View Full Version : Marrying into a strict Muslim Family

04-19-2012, 09:22 PM
I'm looking for practical advice here.

I'm in a bit of an odd situation. I used to be a very practicing Muslim, but now I am not. I would say I'm very much agnostic about many things. Label me what you want, non-practicing Muslim or maybe cultural Muslim or someone who left the faith... it is what I am today. Most of the younger people in my community are like that today. We're a fairly westernized group. I'm not saying that proudly or anything. It is just how it is.

I don't want to be mistaken. I don't drink and party and I don't fool around with lots of girls. I just question things a lot. Chances are I do less bad things than most people who proudly call themselves muslim.

I decided to let some family introduce me to some girls.
In any case, I really liked this one. She's not very practicing like me., good heart, career woman. A good match. Yet, she drinks and had a non-muslim boyfriend for almost 10 years. They just recently ended things in the past year.

Her family is very strict, and from a very big local indian community; politics family honor and all. This has meant she's lived a virtual secret life. No one in her family knows the real her. They all think she's a saint. I don't want to be mistaken again. I don't think badly of her. It does bother me she had a non-muslim boyfriend for so long, and at times I wonder if she just wants to marry me because I'm Muslim, but those thoughts faded as I got to know her.

To me, it seems like she still has a lot of faith; she just struggles with the strictness of her community and family and rebelled.

I'm very hesitant to proceed with this. As both parents know, we don't have a lot of time to just date and figure this all out. I know what it is like in such strict communities... I grew up in one, and I really don't want back in. The double lives, the obsession with the family looking good, family politics... all takes its toll.
As well, I just don't feel right being so weak in faith... even agnostic... and entering such a traditional family.
I also think, she might become more religious in the future once on her own... free from rebellion.

I know it is what she wants. If it was just me and her and her immediate family, I'd marry her on the spot.

Part of me wants to tell her we both need to figure out who we are before marriage. For me, I don't feel comfortable marrying into her family with such a lack of faith and tradition. I'd want her to distance herself from her community. Not her parents or close people of course... but the general community. On her part, she needs to decide if her current lifestyle is one of choice or of rebellion.
But a lot of people keep telling me that people grow with the marriage and it really shouldn't matter.

Anyone here been through something similar?
agnostic/cultural muslim guy marrying into a Muslim family. I know most of us want to marry into more liberal families. That has been my experience. But as luck would have it, I've fallen for her and I'm at a cross-roads that needs to be resolved.

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Alpha Dude
04-22-2012, 02:16 PM
I really dislike the usual concept of 'keeping up appearances' too.

Marriage is a big thing and it involves the coming together of two families, not just individuals. However, that doesn't mean you don't have control over what extent you intermingle with the in-laws.

If you are living on your own, you may not even see them that often.

Brother, I would say pray istikharah salah. Asking Allah for guidance.

Also, more importantly, I would urge you to find a solution to your faith. Don't procrastinate on this matter. Ask questions about Islam, learn about it and what it teaches and reach a conclusion. Most importantly, actually sit back in solitude and ask Allah for guidance consistently. If you are agnostic, but still have some inkling of faith in Islam, you owe it to yourself to do this. What better way to learn about Islam than to go straight to the source, Allah? Ask with a clean and sincere heart and all the signs and guidance you are given (i.e. the things that happen henceforth in your life), take it on board and don't treat anything as a coincidence. We are told that if we go walking to Allah, he comes running to us. So if you make the first step of sincerely asking for guidance, then it is a guarantee that you will gain a response.

Actively, consciously talk to Allah. As a real being.

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