I am being apprehensive about my conduct as a wife, Please clarify some issues !

[ShahBano]

Everyone

I have joined yesterday. I was raised in a Convent and lived there almost my entire life. Please don't be mistaken, it was a very protected, pure and innocent life there. But I never learnt much about my own religion, neither there nor at home.
Now for the past few months I have this urge to learn about the Philosophy and depth of my own religion-Islam.
I am studying and try to apply on my personal life what I can.

There is an issue in my life which has sort of troubled me as I started learning about Islamic way of life.

I do not live with my husband, I have left him--there was no specific reason, I just do not feel comfortable in the role of a wife. So I told him to leave me at my father's home and country. He asked me once not to go but then he was sort of quiet about it. So I came back.
He is a very well-off man and he can afford as many wives as he wishes. My being with him is not likely to cause him any discomfort.

So, do you think there is some sort of dereliction of duty on my part ?--There should not be any as he is free to marry, re-marry; his religion permit him that and I,too have no issue with it.
Please guide me.

[Alpha Dude]

Sorry, it's not clear from your post. Did you just leave him but still consider yourself to be his wife? You're not divorced, right?

If you still are married to him then I would say that your behaviour in leaving him is not good. If you wish to leave him entirely then divorce is an option. I don't see why you need to remain married to him but be far away?

[dqsunday]

Why don't you feel comfortable in the role of wife?

This probably isn't the best place to discuss this sort of issue, it may be best to talk to an Islamic marriage counselor (I am too new in Islam to remember the proper titles...forgive me).

[ShahBano]

Sorry, it's not clear from your post. Did you just leave him but still consider yourself to be his wife? You're not divorced, right?

If you still are married to him then I would say that your behaviour in leaving him is not good. If you wish to leave him entirely then divorce is an option. I don't see why you need to remain married to him but be far away?

I do not want to take divorce, neither did he ever mention that he would divorce me. Taking divorce means I would again be a target for other marriage proposals and it would be an undue hassle.
I just wanted to know as he never insisted on my living with him, so it means my staying away is not an act of disobedience, or is it ?

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[ShahBano]

Alright, if you think my question is inappropriate than I would delete it, no problem. I do not want any discomfort for other members. I personally think propriety should always be placed highest in one's conduct.

[~ Sabr ~]

But why would you want to stay away? You married him, so have to live with him now?

[ShahBano]

But why would you want to stay away? You married him, so have to live with him now?

Recently I read in a book that if a wife disobeys her husband she becomes answerable to God. Therefore , I become a bit apprehensive and wanted to clear this thing that does my decision and desire of not living with him comes under the tag of disobedience ?
He did not insist on my living with him; in fact he arranged a seat for me on military air craft so I can reach my father's country safely. He lives in a war zone. does not it mean that he did not mind my being away and I am not being disobedient in the religious sense.

We do not talk to each other on phone etc. so I don't know what is his current state of mind. I left him almost 3 months ago. and he just called and asked me once if I wanted to come back or not and when I said that I don't intend to . He kept quiet and did not say anything---so, I think it means he has no problem with it.

But I want to be clear on the religious ruling on this thing, so I posted this question here---is it improper to ask this thing on this Forum ?

[~ Sabr ~]

is it improper to ask this thing on this Forum ?

Maybe, scholars would be able to answer this better.

[ShahBano]

Maybe, scholars would be able to answer this better.

OK, no problem, I would delete my query. tell me how to ?. I am not sure whether it's my browser which is not tallying with this site or I am not good at doing Computer stuff. I somehow can't find the option of " Delete/ Hide " the thread .

On my screen I can see the options of " quote " Reply with Quote and " Multi Quote " but no delete option.

[~ Sabr ~]

Only forum moderators can delete, not members.

[Alpha Dude]

You don't need to delete your thread. It's fine. :)

I do not want to take divorce, neither did he ever mention that he would divorce me. Taking divorce means I would again be a target for other marriage proposals and it would be an undue hassle.
I just wanted to know as he never insisted on my living with him, so it means my staying away is not an act of disobedience, or is it ?

If he never insisted then it's not an act of disobedience per se, however you are definitely being a poor wife. When you sign up to marriage, it is pretty much understood that you will live with him and fulfil any rights and obligations he may have over you. He must be feeling sad that his wife left him.

[Muhaba]

you can ask him how he feels about you living away from him. If he is not happy with it, then you are sinning. If he doesn't care, then I don't know if it is still a sin or not.

If he is not happy with you living away while being married, then you are sinning and should get divorce.

[~ Sabr ~]

^ Don't speak about divorce like it's a normal everyday matter - this is the thing that is most hated by Allaah and most loved by the shaytaan.

[Scimitar]

I dont get it, this seems like a decision made in haste... did you marry out of pressure?

Scimi

[Abdul-Raouf]

When you sign up to marriage, it is pretty much understood that you will live with him and fulfil any rights and obligations he may have over you. He must be feeling sad that his wife left him.

Even i guess that .. the Guy will be sad though he is silent.

I have seen...Some good hearted people sacrifice their desires and be silent just to make others happy....And those (others) people dont even realize that.

[Muhaba]

^ Don't speak about divorce like it's a normal everyday matter - this is the thing that is most hated by Allaah and most loved by the shaytaan.

in Islam there is no separation (other than 4 months maximum separation where the husband swears not to have relations with the wife and the wife remains in the same house). either the two live together as husband and wife or they divorce. If a woman cannot bear to live with her husband, then she can get divorce. It is the most hated thing allowed in the sight of Allah but at the same time He has allowed it.

The husband has rights on the wife and if the wife isn't giving them, then she is sinning. There are also hadith that state that a woman who sleeps in a separate room (away from her husband) angels curse her the whole night. so what to say of a woman who sleeps in a different house? what great sin she is taking upon herself. If she doesn't want to live with her husband, then yes, divorce is the thing for her. otherwise she is sinning.

do you think that Allah hates divorce but will allow a man and woman to live separately like this one? It is actually worse because when the two divorce, they know it is over and can move on. however, when they remain married, one or both may think that they might reconsile so they should wait patiently, without remarrying. And that can lead them to sin because how long can one be patient away from their spouse?

At the time of the Prophet (SAW) a woman came to the Prophet (SAW) and said that she didn't want to stay married to her husband. The Prophet (SAW) simply asked her if her husband had given her any property, without advising her to remain married or try to make things work, etc. He (SAW) told her to return the gardens she had received from her husband and told the husband to divorce her.

now sister Shahbano knows her situation. if she thinks that she can tolerate living wiht her husband as wife, then she should move back. If she thinks she needs counceling, she can get that. if she sees that she absolutely can't bear to live with him, then living away from him while being married is sin and she should get divorce.

[dqsunday]

Salam Sister Shahbano: Reading over your various responses, I am getting the impression (which can be wrong, so please don't take this as criticism or any form of discouragement from discussing your issue with us) you and your husband married just because. Was this an arranged marriage? I am already pretty certain you are not from typical Western countries (ie Canada, US, the UK).

My earlier suggestion about talking to somebody qualified in marriage issues within Islam was so you can explain in detail whats been going on since you married and can give your husband somebody to discuss his side of things. This counselor would be fully versed in everything relating to marriage life and what each spouse is expected to do.

From what I have read in the Qur'an marriage is a partnership with both sides having responsibilities based on how Allah made us. Men are more suited to certain tasks and women are more suited to other tasks. But the overall impression I have is the man nor woman is 'slave' to the other, but partners. They work together to make a happy and complete marriage and to fulfill obligations to God. It is best to be with your husband whenever possible, and not to be apart for more than 4-6 months. If there is some difficulty in the marriage which cannot be worked out between the two spouses, divorce is an option. It is better to try and work things out than divorce however, but if its impossible then there are guidelines on what is to be done in the Qur'an (I can't remember if its the 2nd Surah (Cow in English) or Women (4th surah?) (I am still very new in Islam and far from memorizing the Qur'an in English, much less Arabic..)

I don't know your husband at all but from what little you mentioned, it seems he's not one to talk about what he feels or thinks. If he remains silent it may not be a good idea to just assume he's fine with how things are. It is probably best if you ask more direct questions, in a polite and inviting way, to encourage him to speak openly. You can ask him 'Will you prefer I come back home?' "Are you upset with me?' etc. You can also express your feelings towards him (ie do you love him? Was it something he had done or didn't do which made you feel unworthy as a wife?)

Also, I am still not clear on why you don't feel you can be a good and proper wife? Most of the requirements of a wife would be much the same as staying in your own place, cooking, cleaning etc. Of course sharing the marriage bed (ie having sex) is part of what is expected in marriage (but if you are not in the mood or he isn't its not right to force it. ) Is it because you care nothing for your husband? I can see an arranged marriage (though even in an Islamic arranged marriage, if either did not want to marry the other, they can refuse and it won't be a sin (or at least that is my impression) may not have the burning passions as a marriage done between two people who are in love.

Once again if talking at length online in a forum about your feelings and situation makes you uncomfortable, it may be best to talk to somebody in you area well versed in dealing with marriage issues. Your local Mosque (Masjid) probably have some information on local marriage counselors to help. But if you are fine talking on here, keep in mind I personally have no practical experience and can only give advice based on my limited knowledge of Islamic practices most is mostly limited to the Qur'an (and I don't have this memorizes as I already mentioned and my copy isn't always accessible for me to search through for good quotes to make.) But there are many far more knowledgeable people on this forum than me who can also help out, Inshallah. I have no clue however, if any are marriage counselors.

[ShahBano]

Even i guess that .. the Guy will be sad though he is silent.

I have seen...Some good hearted people sacrifice their desires and be silent just to make others happy....And those (others) people dont even realize that.

No, I did not marry him under any pressure. It was a normal arranged marriage as most marriages take place in my culture. My father is a very liberal person--he is the best man on this earth, but he is not a religious person and a bit westernized---he even offered me to meet him when our marriage negotiations were taking place. But I declined the offer. I had no interest in meeting any man. when I was in Convent, men like peons or gardeners or guards were not even allowed to come within the premises of our gardens or living area. So I just was not comfortable with the idea of meeting a man. It's different at my father's place---all servants here have been serving him for more than a decade. Therefore, I do not feel uncomfortable with my father's staff. But I used to feel very awkward with my husband.

[ShahBano]

I do not like the idea of disobedience---I never disobeyed my teachers and my father.

So what I want to clarify is that if my husband does not give me a direct order to come back / live with him and I keep on staying away at my father's place---would it be considered disobedience, or worse dereliction of duty ?

I do not know what he thinks, I do not talk much and I never asked him anything. He did ask me once not to go but I said I wanted to go, so he even arranged a very safe flight for him and even sent his own personal body guards to escort me back to my father's house. He is living in a war - zone----America is punishing his country.

So in the absence of a direct order, I can keep on living happily with my father ? I won't be answerable to God ? I do not want to commit any big sin.

Besides he is a well-off and influential person, he can have many other wives. Before boarding the C-130 I even told him that I won't mind if he marries other women. He did not say anything just smiled. That means he is not against the idea of having other women ? doesn't it ?

I hope I have communicated myself properly to you people. I am not very good at expressing myself.

[ShahBano]

I am sorry----is there any " edit " function in this message posting thing ; I have made some grammatical and spelling mistakes , which are feeling very bad to me.

[Alpha Dude]

Ask your husband what he thinks. Ring him and ask for his true thoughts. Communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

No point just making assumptions. Ask him frankly whether he minds and if it upsets him and whether he would want you to go back to him

If you mind is set on never going over to him then there is little point in being married to him in the first place. It's kind of a silly reason to remain married by name just so you don't get any proposals.

You can edit your posts after you've become a full member (once you've made 50 posts I think).

[ShahBano]

Ask your husband what he thinks. Ring him and ask for his true thoughts. Communicate with him and get to the bottom of it. No point just making assumptions. Ask him frankly whether he minds and if it upsets him and whether he would want you to go back to himIf you mind is set on never going over to him then there is little point in being married to him in the first place. It's kind of a silly reason to remain married by name just so you don't get any proposals.You can edit your posts after you've become a full member (once you've made 50 posts I think).

We do not talk, but he once sent a text saying he wished I was there . That's all. It's just a wish. Not an order. A wife is supposed to obey the orders. No human being can grant wishes. I am not a Santa claus.So, until I do not receive a direct order from him to come back I can stay here without committing any sin.I read this thing 2 days back that God becomes angry with the woman who does not obey her husband. It sort of freaked me out. It was written in a very threatening tone, therefore, I am very worried.

[CosmicPathos]

shahbano is a word from Farsi (not a Semitic name). So you seem to be from Central Asian regions. The only country I can think of that America is punishing atm seems to be one of the Arab countries (or Afghanistan, I doubt you are a pakhtoona though).

Not that of any of it probably matters. Your story is quite intriguing though. You guys end up married, and then dont talk much. Your father is a liberal man, yet he never allows non-mehrams in the gardens. Dont know what to really make of it. Maybe there is cultural clash. I dont know.

I guess you can just communicate with your husband what he really wants and get the point across him that you are worried that you might be sinning by living away from him.

edit: if he sent you an sms saying he wishes you were there, that is quite obvious, isnt it? Maybe he is too much of a gentleman to "order" you. maybe he is assuming you are smart enough to understand his feelings and comply and return to him.

[ShahBano]

shahbano is a word from Farsi. So you seem to be from Central Asian regions. The only country I can think of that America is punishing atm seems to be one of the Arab countries.

Not that of any of it probably matters. Your story is quite intriguing though. You guys end up married, and then dont talk much. Your father is a liberal man, yet he never allows non-mehrams in the gardens. Dont know what to really make of it. Maybe there is cultural clash. I dont know.

I guess you can just communicate with your husband what he really wants and get the point across him that you are worried that you might be sinning by living away from him.

edit: if he sent you an sms saying he wishes you were there, that is quite obvious, isnt it? Maybe he is too much of a gentleman to "order" you. maybe he is assuming you are smart enough to understand his feelings and comply and return to him.

By the way you used word " interesting" I understood you wanted to say contradictory.

America is punishing Afghanistan, Mr. My husband and father both are Afghans, but my father chose to settle in a neighbouring country. Husband lives in Afghanistan. No servants were allowed---in the convent where I spent 13 years. I used to visit my father only during winter vacation and that too when he was not serving in hard areas.
I specifically told I felt comfortable with my father's staff , I am not comfortable with my husband and his household staff.

I did not like the insinuation of being less than truthful.

[CosmicPathos]

By the way you used word " interesting" I understood you wanted to say contradictory.

America is punishing Afghanistan, Mr. My husband and father both are Afghans, but my father chose to settle in a neighbouring country. Husband lives in Afghanistan. No servants were allowed---in the convent where I spent 13 years. I used to visit my father only during winter vacation and that too when he was not serving in hard areas.
I specifically told I felt comfortable with my father's staff , I am not comfortable with my husband and his household staff.

I did not like the insinuation of being less than truthful.

No, I did not mean contradictory, I just said intriguing. And neither am I insinuating you are lying, not sure why you thought so. Apologize if it came across that way though.

So my guesstimate was right about the country and the region.

You also mentioned that you are not comfortable with the husband. This was not mentioned in the original post you had. So that is the problem, is not it? You are not comfortable with him and you want to be away from him. So why not just get a divorce? Because as long as you remain his wife, he'd "wish" you to be there. So why put him in unnecessary agony?

[ShahBano]

No, I did not mean contradictory, I just said intriguing. And neither am I insinuating you are lying, not sure why you thought so. Apologize if it came across that way though.

So my guesstimate was right about the country and the region.

You also mentioned that you are not comfortable with the husband. This was not mentioned in the original post you had. So that is the problem, is not it? You are not comfortable with him and you want to be away from him. So why not just get a divorce? Because as long as you remain his wife, he'd "wish" you to be there. So why put him in unnecessary agony?

I am sorry for being emotional. I am just getting a bit agitated as I am not proving very good at communicating myself and my issue properly. Some core issue is either being left unsaid, mis-conveyed or misunderstood.

1--I do not want to take divorce. He never said he wants to divorce me.
2--He does not need a wife to cook or clean for him because he lives in a very comfortable and affluent household. So , my absence is not causing him any discomfort.
3---I specifically told him that I had no issue with his re-marriage. When he came escort me to air-base, I said this again and he did not show any negative response, he just smiled and went away.
4---Difference between wish/order-----As a wife , I am supposed to obey orders and I will.
5---Meanwhile, I do not know what he is thinking and asking is dangerous--what if he says come back, than I would have to obey him. Though, yes you are right, he is a gentleman, but I would rather not test the commanding and controlling skills of a man who is a tribal head of more than 100 sub clans.

So the crux of the matter----until no direct order is received to act otherwise, by staying away I am not sinning as per shariah law or am I?

I hope I have been candid and clear this time. I apologize for any miscommunication; it was not intentional, I just did not realize how to put my question across to you people .

[glo]

Can I ask what kind of convent you were raised in?
I have never heard of convents in Islam.

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

Well if you two like each other, then stay with each other. If you don't like each other, then separate....

It comes down all to this, if you think about simplistically.

[ShahBano]

Can I ask what kind of convent you were raised in?
I have never heard of convents in Islam.

Who said it was an Islamic Convent ?
instead of being sarcastic, had you read my original post than you would have known that I clearly said I could not get knowledge of my religion because i was educated and raised at a Convent. convents exist only within Christians and 7 billion people on this earth are not practicing Muslims.

Do you want to dish out Any more sarcasm ?

[glo]

Who said it was an Islamic Convent ?
instead of being sarcastic, had you read my original post than you would have known that I clearly said I could not get knowledge of my religion because i was educated and raised at a Convent. convents exist only within Christians and 7 billion people on this earth are not practicing Muslims.

Do you want to dish out Any more sarcasm ?

I am not sarcastic, ShahBano. I am interested.
I read your original post and it did not clearly state what kind of convent it was.

Like I said, I have never heard of Islamic convents, but I did not want to make an assumption. So it seemed easiest to ask you.

Thank you for answering my question. I did not mean to upset you.

I hope you find the answer to your problem. Salaam

[ShahBano]

I am not sarcastic, ShahBano. I am interested.
I read your original post and it did not clearly state what kind of convent it was.

Like I said, I have never heard of Islamic convents, but I did not want to make an assumption. So it seemed easiest to ask you.

Thank you for answering my question. I did not mean to upset you.

I hope you find the answer to your problem. Salaam

It was a Catholic Convent, a very serene and protected place. I lost my mother at a very young age and Sisters and especially my Mother Superior took me under her wings. I would always be thankful to them for the love and protection and sense of belonging they provided to me.

Sorry for acting irrationally, I am really sorry. I just do not know what happened to me, why I acted with such agitation.
My apologies.

I am doing a bad job here, it seems.

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum;

actually I too was wondering same word (Convent) but then thought I might understood it wrongly (bad english). Anyway, may Allah shows you best way how to resolve this problem.

[ShahBano]

thank you every one for taking out your time and answering me.

I hope by the grace of God, I will know how to choose a path, which will not make me either sinful or unduly troublesome.

[dqsunday]

Sister ShahBano are you a Muslim yourself? Is your father a Christian?

If you feel uncomfortable talking to men other than your father and his immediate staff, I see two options for you. You can explain everything to your father and ask him to talk to an Imam from the local Masjid for advice whether you will be considered sinful in the eyes of Allah for being away form your husband. I expect if you permanently wish to be away with him, a divorce could be recommended. Your father can explain (or even talk to your husband first to get his side of things, maybe he's as uncomfortable talking to women as you are with men) you are uncomfortable with your husband and he consented for you to return to your father's home.

Another option, as I expect your husband does want you back with him but wants it to be of your own free will, not just because he ordered you to return. Or maybe he prefers you somewhere safer while things are dangerous in his country.(in which case its probably best you stay where you are and I think its not a sin to do so, if your husband agrees with you being in a place of safety during dangerous times.) What you can do is ask your husband, if you return, if you can have separate apartment from the bulk of his household, so you can associate with him as needed, but don't' have to deal with other male staff. From what I recall many homes in Islamic states have separate entrances for the women and their own rooms.

As for getting comfortable being with your husband, such as being touched by him, sharing the same bed etc, that comes with time. I don't know how long you have been married but since this was an arranged marriage, it will take time to get to know him as a person etc.

[glo]

It was a Catholic Convent, a very serene and protected place. I lost my mother at a very young age and Sisters and especially my Mother Superior took me under her wings. I would always be thankful to them for the love and protection and sense of belonging they provided to me.

Sorry for acting irrationally, I am really sorry. I just do not know what happened to me, why I acted with such agitation.
My apologies.

I am doing a bad job here, it seems.

No problem, ShahBano. We all get like this from time to time.
You came here for help and advice, and my question must have seemed unhelpful at best.

I am glad that you received love and care and protection from the sisters, when you grew up.
I just wonder whether Catholic sisters are the best people to equip a young woman for marriage ...

Who gave you Islamic advice when you prepared for your marriage?

Peace

[ShahBano]

No problem, ShahBano. We all get like this from time to time.
You came here for help and advice, and my question must have seemed unhelpful at best.

I am glad that you received love and care and protection from the sisters, when you grew up.
I just wonder whether Catholic sisters are the best people to equip a young woman for marriage ...

Who gave you Islamic advice when you prepared for your marriage?

Peace

My catholic sisters/nuns and especially my Mother Superior , were my role models. I had never had any other women to relate to anyways.
it's a life long habit of 13 years of restrain, purity and protection. I can't let it go just like that.

No one advised or counselled me before my marriage, I do not have any cousin sisters who are within my age bracket, some are too old and others are too young.

It' d be alright, I suppose. It, too shall pass. Neither my father nor my husband has asked me to live with him/ or go back, so I suppose I am doing fine by staying where I am. When one of them would strictly pass an order, I will obey it quietly......End Of Story, I suppose.

[ShahBano]

Sister ShahBano are you a Muslim yourself? Is your father a Christian?

.

I am a Muslim and so is my father; but I think you people won't consider him a practicing Muslim---as he is a tad bit irregular where prayers and fasting is concerned. He does not have a beard as well. But practicing or not, I still consider him to be the best man on this earth.

PS---I have never declared my faith so many times before in my life.^o)

[tango92]

if your husband does not mind, and you are living with a mahram (your father) at the end of the day i guess its ok - im not a scholar though

just my uneducated opinion

[dqsunday]

I think you best bet is to talk to your father and ask him to consult with your husband on what is best for you. In the mean time pray to Allah for guidance. Remember, taking the easy way out isn't always the best way. I have made several good suggestions but I am not getting any indication you are going to consider any. Being a good wife and getting used to the fact you do have to be men other than your father and his staff is all part of dealing with change. If you don't want to be married and just want to spend the rest of your days with your father, then get a divorce. Allah puts hardship in our paths to test us and facing up to these challenges is good.

You find it hard to talk to your husband. Use an intermediary (like your father) to help explain your side and feelings and hopefully your husband feels comfortable enough to explain his side of things. Its really the only way to know for sure what your husband really wants. Also none of us here know what sort of man he is. You have a better idea than any of us and even then I don't think you know him at all. He may be shy with women, he may prefer you return out of your own free will not just because he commanded you to return. Maybe he couldn't care less either way, there is just no way for us to know.

Just doing nothing isn't right either because its the easiest for you. I don't have the knowledge to say whether its a sin or not but my instincts say its better to make an effort than do nothing. Communication sounds like the biggest issue here. Work on that with my suggestions..It may take awhile as i have no idea how solid the lines of communication are between your father and your husband (ie if they can talk via internet, either live chat type thing, or email etc) or over standard phone. Or just to find a time both are available to talk. Till then, pray for guidance from Allah and forgiveness if you are not performing your duties as wife by staying away. Allah is all merciful and all caring.

[Al-Zaara]

A wife 'obeys' 'orders' but she also has obligations that are not needed to be directly said by your husband, meaning obligations you should be aware of, such as for example sexual needs. Also for him to say "I wish you were here" that's enough for you to understand and do your outmost best to be there for him, unless he has done something to you and it needs to be sorted out, which you say he hasn't. You are not a solider who obeys orders, you are a woman and a wife who has the obligation to strive to be the best wife possible to her husband.

We are not in any place to say you are sinning, but I'm afraid you are relying too strongly on the wording "obey your husband". Maybe it would be good to ask him, it is your obligation as a wife to make sure he is fine with you and your actions.

And Allah knows best.

[tango92]

salam u alaycum

i asked a shaykh for you, (he has an ijaza in jurisprudence)

he said there is no problem for you to leave if your husband has given you permission.

but your husband has the right to ask you to stay with him if he wishes.

hope that clears it up

[ShahBano]

dqsunday

please do not think so that I took lightly of any suggestion or advice , which has been given to me here. Had I been nonchalant about the issue, I would not even have asked or even considered it in the first place. Before posting it here, I have been thinking and contemplating about it since last 1.5 weeks.

I have saved all the given advice in my notebook to read it again and again and to imbibe and apply the way my situation requires.

Al-Zaara

yes, the point which is troubling me is the idea of committing a sin unknowingly. I know that I should ask him directly, but it feels doubly strange to initiate communication ( which I have never done so before, even when I lived in his house, nature of his official and tribal responsibilities required him to move and travel suddenly and for indeterminable period, but I never called him to ask where he was, I am not a good communicator ) Secondly I am slightly apprehensive , what if he asked me to come back. Then of course, I won't have any alternative. So for these two reasons I am avoiding to ring him up.

tango92

Thank you so much for doing this act of kindness:thankyou:. that was really nice of you.
Yes, I do have his permission, not exactly in verbal sense. Because he kept quiet when I sort of insisted on going back. But I would, or I could not have come without his practical assistance; he arranged a special seat for me , and despite being on high security risk himself, he sent 3 of his own personal body guards with me to escort me to my father's place. So his permission is there.
I would never have come otherwise. I never even went out of my own home without taking my father's permission before, even if it was only for going up to the bakery or a book shop. So, it's not that I sort of sneaked out of his house. He even came to the base to say good bye.
:sunny: Thanks again for asking a scholar.

[CosmicPathos]

ShahBano, you probably do have his permission, and hence he arranged all those things for you, but the more important question is that was his permission out of his free-will? Maybe he did not argue back just to keep you happy?

I think you should reconsider this whole situation by being a bit more empathetic about him. I am not saying you are being cruel, but I just think that you are not going beyond verbal communication and are not listening for unsaid things. Words are only a mere 20% of our communication and emotions.

All the best.
salam

[Hulk]

Salaam sis, I was wondering whether you might have an issue with living with a man? Could that be the reason you feel uncomfortable being a wife?

You don't really have to answer here but maybe it is a question you can ask yourself.

The thing about us guys (not all but some) is that we feel very responsible in making sure that the people who are under our responsibility are properly cared for and happy. Maybe when he realised that you are uncomfortable it made him feel that he is not doing his job and so he decided to let you leave as that is what you want in hopes that it will make you happy.

I can't say much on the issue as I am not experienced in this field but I hope I helped you out a bit!

[dqsunday]

Sister ShahBano: I am glad to hear you are contemplating all advice being given. Sorry if I offended or caused you any distress of any kind. Reading your last reply I am realizing you are a very humble and meek person, not one to speak first etc. As you are uneasy about taking the initiative to talk to your husband, preferring he contact or talk to you first...have you asked your father if he can talk to him on your behalf?

Actually, given what you posted above, it occurs to me you are simply reluctant to return to your husband at this time. But are worried you are committing a sin in the eyes of God more than anything. From what others have posted and what I remember of the Qur'an, since it does appear your husband has given his permission to be apart from him, I don't think there is any sin on your part. Given your husband is in a war zone, having you safe from harm may be a comfort to him.

One thing you can do is ask if you can return for a short period as a visit so you can be with your husband, get a chance to talk with him then return back to your father. This way if he has other 'needs' that can only be met by his wife, you aren't totally denying him this, assuming its something you do wish to give him.

I wish I could be more help...I used to always help my friends when they had problems in their marriage but we are definitely from totally difficult cultures and I am very new to Islam and don't know all the ins and outs about marriage in Islam and the rights of husband/wife. But one thing I have noticed in my past efforts to help my friends..its lack of communication. Its hard for couples to talk to each other at times..especially if they had been arguing etc. I don't get the impression you are arguing or upset with your husband or he with you. But its plain talking to him about anything is not easy for you. Talking is the number one way people get to know each other and form friendships and your marriage was not done by the typical Western method (boy meets girl, boy and girl become friends, fall in love, get married).

As i expect your husband is a busy man and probably doesn't have much time to just sit and chat even online, maybe write him letters and send them via email. I don't know if you will find it easier to express your thoughts to him in this format, but some people find it easier to write letters than talk face to face or via phone. I don't mean talk about whether he wants you to come back etc, but just as you would writing to a new friend. Ask him what was his favorite sport as a child? His best memory of his youth? What is his favorite dessert? You can ask which Surah is his favorite. What is his favorite color? Which of Allah's creations does he like the most? (ie what animals) Does he like horseback riding? All those simple little questions may seen trivial but its how we get to know each other. It may also serve to just make things easier to talk as he won't see so much as THE HUSBAND but more like a friend.

[glo]

Dqsunday's suggestion to spend a bit of time with your husband is a good one!
How well do you know each other?
Have you ever spent time together, just talking and getting to know one another?

If you don't know somebody, how can you trust them? If you can't trust them, how can you feel affectionate towards them?

[Naeema]

Salaam ShahBano,

As someone who also lived in a convent, I appreciate some of great changes that married life must have brought for you. It's been 15 years for me since I left and I still struggle some days. Alhamdulillah, my husband helps me with this.

I agree with others that your husband may be trying to be polite and seeking a wife who wants to be with him, not someone who is there out of duty.

While it is a bit unusual to suggest, perhaps you should consult the Mother Superior on this matter. I say this not because she is knowledgeable in Islam and Sharia matters but because she is knowledgeable of you in particular. After having you in her convent for all these years, surely she is not entirely ignorant of Islam and she may be sensitive to your cultural needs as well. She also is likely to be respectful of your wish to not pursue a divorce, as divorce is nonexistent in Catholicism. Building a marriage is difficult. Having a person that you trust who you can consult about matters of your feelings can be extremely helpful.

I hope that you find joy and peace.

[ShahBano]

It's not that we never spend any time together, we did; like when his nieces and nephews visited from abroad, he offered us---all children---to teach us sword fighting, or sometime he would come to destitute house where I work as a part time teacher ( it's not mine, it's his, I just offered to work there). I am not a complete dunderhead, I can talk to people; and I did talk to him when there were other people around like female members of his staff- be it household or the destitute house for girls ). It's just that if he comes to my lodgings when there is no other person around that I freak out.

Besides how can I spend quality time with anyone when he suddenly disappears and that too sometimes for 2 to 3 weeks.

But , alright I would do as you people suggested, I would talk to my father and ask him to ask him that if he had any problem with my staying here; though I am sure my father would be more amused than worried by my reluctance.

Thank you every one.
Sorry I proved such a nut case for all of you.:embarrass

[ShahBano]

Salaam ShahBano,

As someone who also lived in a convent, I appreciate some of great changes that married life must have brought for you. It's been 15 years for me since I left and I still struggle some days. Alhamdulillah, my husband helps me with this.

I agree with others that your husband may be trying to be polite and seeking a wife who wants to be with him, not someone who is there out of duty.

While it is a bit unusual to suggest, perhaps you should consult the Mother Superior on this matter. I say this not because she is knowledgeable in Islam and Sharia matters but because she is knowledgeable of you in particular. After having you in her convent for all these years, surely she is not entirely ignorant of Islam and she may be sensitive to your cultural needs as well. She also is likely to be respectful of your wish to not pursue a divorce, as divorce is nonexistent in Catholicism. Building a marriage is difficult. Having a person that you trust who you can consult about matters of your feelings can be extremely helpful.

I hope that you find joy and peace.

Thanks Naeema:)

This is a nice idea, I would ask my father to take me to that city, he would be happy. It's a lovely hill station and my father always liked visiting it.
Wow, I never even thought of it; strange--I kept on missing my Mother Superior all those years, since I left the Convent, I even cried in my husband's house a lot, when I used to miss my convent but I actually never thought of asking their advice. How stupid I am,:confused: