Establishing an Islamic Family

[imam bukhari]

Ten ways to increase happiness in marriage

The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.

1) Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often

Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one’s intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.

2) Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam


Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one’s spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.

3) Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations

Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.

4) Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse

Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, “A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing.” (Muslim)

5) Be Your Mate’s Best Friend

Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse’s likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.

6) Spend Quality Time Together

It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.

7) Express Feelings Often

This is probably a very “Western” concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one’s feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The “silent treatment” has never been the remedy for anything.

8) Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness

Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.

9) Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past

It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.

10) Surprise Each Other at Times

This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.

11) Have a Sense of Humour

This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.

Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:

Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.

Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.

Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.

If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.

[purple]

:sl:I don’t know whether this question is answered. I did search and found some thread but it didn’t answer the question I want to ask which is
Where is the line drawn when it comes to obedience towards husband?
Like I don’t like to clean or cook at all, as a result I am clean as you go type of person and cook very simple and quick meals.
I don’t ever want to break a sweat over household chores. But what if I married someone who wants me to break a sweat? It like every man dream to have a woman do everything for him right? But it is my nightmare.
Can you disobey in that aspect and ask to pull his weight?
I also work part time and I actually like my job. So if husband ask me to give it up, do I have to? Because I know for certain I would not want to. I know I should find all these out before marriage but what if the brother acting like he was completely fine with it then I married him and he is not fine with it.
I just don’t want to be unhappy because I got proposed and I said no. I said no because his wanted me to cook, clean and iron his clothes. And he said he does not know how to cook or clean because he came from upbringing where his mother does everything for the father, him and his siblings. I hate to be a full on housewife.
I don’t want my future hubby to be full on househusband either. I just want someone that pulls their own weight. Like He iron his own clothes and makes his pack lunch before work. Put his laundry in the basket or start the washing machine. I will make the food, make the bed and dry the clothes.
I was a full housewife to my ex and hated every minute of it. I was completely unhappy and I don’t ever want to be in such circumstance again. And if i ever find myself in the same circumstance again, I would like to know my rights.
So where is the line drawn? :wa:

[S_87]

I think this is something you would have to discuss and have an 'understanding' with your husband about.

With regards to obedience, this is something very strong with regards to the husband, but like i said, its about the understanding you both have. Men have certain roles and one of them is that he provides for his family within his means. Thats his job. Having said that Muhammed sallallahu alayhi wasallam also did household chores.
Now as womans 'role' is more the household things/to look after the family etc.

[Hossam Al-Deen]

I really think you should ask an Imam about this, who can give you more of a direct and correct response with the Sharia.

As far as I know their right to obedience isn't as broad as some might think it is. For instance, from what I know, Imam Malik in one of his books, he said a women is not required to cook or clean. So obviously, there is something in Islam that lead him to this opinion. So, it is not as much a broad term as some men may have it seem like.

But as far as clothes, you shouldn't be doing his clothes. The Prophet(S) did his own laundry, so if you have a man looking for a wife that will clean and iron his underwear, then that is someone who doesn't know his Prophet(S) all that well.

And there is many examples of the Sahabah and their wives where they would all divide the house work together, the burden was never left entirely on the women. So again, to reiterate, you need to talk to an Imam, and you need to read yourself so that you know your rights.

Allahu Alam

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[nature]

:sl:

I think most men wrapped up in culture expect a "cook and clean " wife, just cos their mums do it. these are things that should be clear before you enter a marriage with someone. there is nothing wrong with asking someone to pull their weight, esp if you both work. & when children come along its hard for a woman do to everything, so the husband should be willing to help out wherever necessary. If its general chores at home, then there is no reason, why the man cant help out. If the prophet (saw) did it back then, then theres no reason why the blokes of today should think its beneath them, to help out around the house.

:wa:

[tigerkhan]

As far as I know their right to obedience isn't as broad as some might think it is. For instance, from what I know, Imam Malik in one of his books, he said a women is not required to cook or clean. So obviously, there is something in Islam that lead him to this opinion. So, it is not as much a broad term as some men may have it seem like.

what i can say with my limited knowledge....yes in islam there is no mandatory obligation for them to do such home works as mentioned above...
but on other hand if u see the life of Hazrat Fatma RA, Hazrat Asma Ra, and many more Suhabiyat, u will see they had done these work. rather i say, they had passed life with too much hardship that a woman of now a days cant imagine it. where there was no food for three days and Hazrat Fatma Ra had worked all the day to make cotton cloth to earn some food aloghwith house work. so what i understand is this is the matter of mutual understanding.

[tigerkhan]

also what logic i observe with my limited understandig, islam want muslims dont hurts other muslim and all other being. so there was rights for every being. since hubby wife is a very close relation so in islam there is to much advise for them to take care of one an other feeling...eg
to husband, prophet PBUH said that be kind with ur wifes, and subhanAllah ALLAH SWT has said in Quran to men to be kind with ur wives. Allahoakbar !!! (Allah SWT nay jis ki safarish ki ho..agar humra boss ya father ya koi or kisi ki safarish kar day tu hum kitna khiyal rakhtay han or jis ki Allah SWT nay safarish ki ha...) and it is siad if she cant cook, clean and even dont want to feed baby, she is not obliged. its not her duty.
but on the other hand, it has been said to wives, prophet PBUH said that if some is allowed to make sajood to creation, i oder wives to make sajood to his husband. mean she had advised to obey her husband and keep him happy.
blv to mee its seems, i have been known to many property dealer. i see what they do, one party is seller and other is buyer. they first discourage seller that there are many minus in ur property and u will be v.lucky if someone buy it, but u dont worry we will try our best. then they call buyer and say, there is no match of this property, u will be lucky one buy it, even its v.difficult but dont worry, we are here and insh we will do this for u. so by this way the set a deal and got their commission and both the parties are happy and grateful to them..lol.... blv i feel same is ALLAH SWT doing, bcz ALLAH SWT wants none of human suffer, so on one hand ALLAH SWT is advocating for women and on other hand advising women to be obidient to their husbands...
to conclude, u see how much ALLAH SWT love us..we cant imagine...that y Allah SWT said deen is HIS greatest favour/nihma for human beings... bcz if there is no or weak iman and deen, we have pbms in our lives, and if we follow it, ALLAH SWt make our life happy and beautiful.

[purple]

:sl:
I going to stick with my view. So I just need to find someone on the same level. Jsk :wa:

[Ansariyah]

:sl:

Dont u clean already? Dont u already cook? No offence but u make it seem like 'cleaning is such 'a big deal' Its really not. With or without a husband one has to clean its part of life n half of Imaan according to Islam. Breaking a sweat while u clean is also healthy, not to mention satisfying cause at the end of the day u get to enjoy being in a beautiful clean home Alhamdulilah.

In my opinion obedience really has nothing to do with cleaning, cause thats common sense its a basic human right, we dont need reminding. We should try not to attach such a negative stigma to cleaning as a wife. Anything good we do with good intentions InshaAllah Allah rewards us. I was reading the hadeeth today where rasululah (saw) says that we get rewards for even removing an obstacle from the road, its considered sadaqa MashaAllah.

Step number 1, Is making sure that the man u find is worth it. Cause no one should cater to a loser.. Who demands things arrogantly, or thinks the wifes job is only to clean after his mess. Good thing is Chauvnists/tarts can be spotted miles ahead, so no worry there necessary=)

Hope things work out alright for u InshaAllah.=) May Allah give u wats best, n distance u from all falsehood ameeeen.

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
I going to stick with my view. So I just need to find someone on the same level. Jsk :wa:

forgive me sister. i had tried to answer ur qst above but i think i cant make u understand, mybe bcz of my weak english.
anyway the answer as i said is its matter of mutual understanding...but what i wana advise u is...dont be lazy in life...be hardworking. rather u try to find some islamic opinoin reagrding not working of women...i suggest u should try to find aya and virtues regarding cleaning and doing our home works. as one mentioned above about cleaning.
JazakAllah

[syed_z]

Asalaam O alaikum...any line drawn by Allah (swt) and His Prophet (saw), should be accepted wholeheartedly even if we don't like it. Submission is the key in Islam.

I would suggest pondering over this Hadith of Prophet (saw).



Imam Muslim records in his Sahih on the authority of Jabir that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said ...

“Iblees sets his throne on the water. From there, he sends out his troops to tempt mankind. The one whom he regards as closest to him is the one who causes the greatest temptation. One of them returns to him and says, I stayed with so and so and did not leave him until he did such and such,’ and he is told, ‘You have done nothing.’ Then one comes and reports, did not leave him until he separated from his wife.’ Iblees then brings him near to him and says, ‘How fine you are.“’


..The important to note here is that Shaytan does not like or considers much important what the former troop did, but he is so pleased with the latter troop, because the latter troop went and separated a man from his wife. That is most pleasing to Shaytaan, because the destruction of a family destroys the whole Ummah, or it leads towards further evils in any society. And specially if you have kids, they do not get the attention they need, and this leads towards them deviating from the right path. So we should be on guard always, specially if we're married, against any such thoughts that could create problems in our marriage life.

Prophet Muhammad (saw) also said... "Every one of you is in charge and every one will be accountable for those given in his charge....The wife is responsible for taking care of the home of her husband and his children, and she will be accountable for them." (Bukhari Hadith #2368)


Its said that in case of a necessity, the wife can go outside the house and work, but if there is no need, then they stay home and take care of the house and children. The Wife in Islam has been relieved from the burden of having the worry to earn and bring home the food to the table.

Scholars say that legally A wife need not cook for her husband and is not obligatory on her to do the house work. But since she does it because she cared, as she will be rewarded for being kind to do it even though she is not obligated to, then the husband should in turn be more kind, as he needs to repay kindness with double kindness. So if your husband does not help, then he should help you with your house work.

Prophet (saw) also said..."The best of you are those who are best in dealing with their wives and i am the best in dealing with my wives." (Tirmizi Hadith 3830)

I am sorry, i might not have given you the answer your looking for, but some important Traditions of Prophet Muhammad (saw) regarding the marital life. From what i know that Marriage is sacrifice, also it has been proven in the West through many studies that families are being torn apart because wife and husband both go outside to work, and it usually ends up in divorce because women are easy preys for strangers when working outside the house. And Allah (swt) knows best.

Salaam.

[Endymion]

A few days before a man asked the same question to the local Mufti.He asked about the responsibilities of women towards their husbands.The Mufti replied to him.

"It is not the responsibility of a women to cook for her husband and for his family.Neither to do his laundry and further,man have no right on his wife's money.She can spend her money where ever she wants.The only responsibility of a women is to respect her Husband,to save his honor.Not to meet with people her husband dislikes.And to take care of children and teach them good behavior and manners".

I personally think that one should not be a burden on others and do their work them self.But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.If two people can understand each others problems,responsibilities and respect each others wishes,than they have to marry other wise its good to live a seperate life instead of getting married and live a unhappy life :)
Also,what i can do for you is to pray for you,so here i am :statisfie
May Allah swt give you a life according to you wish.Bless you with a man who is good,who can understand your and you will feel happy and satisfied in his company.Amen :statisfie

[CosmicPathos]

A few days before a man asked the same question to the local Mufti.He asked about the responsibilities of women towards their husbands.The Mufti replied to him.

"It is not the responsibility of a women to cook for her husband and for his family.Neither to do his laundry and further,man have no right on his wife's money.She can spend her money where ever she wants.The only responsibility of a women is to respect her Husband,to save his honor.Not to meet with people her husband dislikes.And to take care of children and teach them good behavior and manners".

I personally think that one should not be a burden on others and do their work them self.But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.If two people can understand each others problems,responsibilities and respect each others wishes,than they have to marry other wise its good to live a seperate life instead of getting married and live a unhappy life :)
Also,what i can do for you is to pray for you,so here i am :statisfie
May Allah swt give you a life according to you wish.Bless you with a man who is good,who can understand your and you will feel happy and satisfied in his company.Amen :statisfie

would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way? :S

[Maryan0]

^Well if a husband is lording it over his wife that he bought the house with his money I can understand if his wife chooses to leave it a mess.

I don't get the competition. Marriage isn't a war of the sexes it's a companionship/partnership.
Salam

[CosmicPathos]

^Well if a husband is lording it over his wife that he bought the house with his money I can understand if his wife chooses to leave it a mess.

I don't get the competition. Marriage isn't a war of the sexes it's a companionship/partnership.
Salam

Well that is a fact if he bought it from his money. Yes he shouldnt be reminding her of that but if shes not taking care of it, he has all the rights to put it into her head that she better respect his property. If she cant change her behavior then I guess its time to part ways.

[Maryan0]

Well that is a fact if he bought it from his money. Yes he shouldnt be reminding her of that but if shes not taking care of it, he has all the rights to put it into her head that she better respect his property. If she cant change her behavior then I guess its time to part ways.

Maybe it would be best to part ways before his vs her property comes into play.
Salam

[CosmicPathos]

Maybe it would be best to part ways before his vs her property comes into play.
Salam

only if it was possible to evaluate the nature/disposition of potential wives before marrying them.

wsalam

[LauraS]

I think both husband and wife should care for the house together, I don't think it should just be the wife when the husband is making a mess too. My parents have always shared the housework. I also think if you really enjoy your job you should carry on. I think most married couples in the west work now and it doesn't necessarily mean it'll all end in divorce. When I was little my mum didn't work and she got really bored, so a woman staying at home is not always the most poisitive thing! Also pratically every woman in the west works with men (mum included) and they'll not always getting harrassed. Women and men are capable of working together on friendly terms with getting too friendly.

[purple]

:sl:

Dont u clean already? Dont u already cook? No offence but u make it seem like 'cleaning is such 'a big deal' Its really not. With or without a husband one has to clean its part of life n half of Imaan according to Islam. Breaking a sweat while u clean is also healthy, not to mention satisfying cause at the end of the day u get to enjoy being in a beautiful clean home Alhamdulilah.

In my opinion obedience really has nothing to do with cleaning, cause thats common sense its a basic human right, we dont need reminding. We should try not to attach such a negative stigma to cleaning as a wife. Anything good we do with good intentions InshaAllah Allah rewards us. I was reading the hadeeth today where rasululah (saw) says that we get rewards for even removing an obstacle from the road, its considered sadaqa MashaAllah.

Step number 1, Is making sure that the man u find is worth it. Cause no one should cater to a loser.. Who demands things arrogantly, or thinks the wifes job is only to clean after his mess. Good thing is Chauvnists/tarts can be spotted miles ahead, so no worry there necessary=)

Hope things work out alright for u InshaAllah.=) May Allah give u wats best, n distance u from all falsehood ameeeen.

;D :sl:

I have a child, so dont you think I clean? Of course I do! I just dont do it to an extent I have seen some sisters do it. And I dont want too.


I said on my post that I am clean as you go. I dont leave things to the last minutes and I expect my hubby to be the same. I simply want someone who cleans after himself. And I want someone who doesnt expect to make a meal that takes more than half an hour.

I want a simple person. :statisfie

Ameen and thanks for Dua.

:wa:

[purple]

would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way? :S

Salam

Looks like you have not understood my thread.

Like I said I clearly do not want to be unhappy like my previous marriage or like my parent's marriage. I think I am and my child is entitled to the right at least.

[purple]

There seem to be presumption on this thread that I am lazy, dirty and selfish person. This is completely untrue. I am reasonable and hard –working.
Take into account I did look after my baby’s father for three years. I hoisted him, bathe him, clothed him and assisted with toileting. And also done the cooking and cleaning and looked after my own child too. Therefore I am clearly not lazy as some of you may believe.
I just want someone who is actually simple, responsible, reasonable and kind. I do not want to feel like a slave by cleaning my home like hotel. I never want to be at stage where I am at breaking point. I do not want to be overburden with work that is unnecessary. I also want to be able to maintain my part time job. It seems to me that would be asking too much. Yes this is a big deal to me. Sorry for the late replies.

[Endymion]

would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? :S

As i have mentioned before,this is not what I said,I just copy the Mufti who told the person about the rights of women in Islam.You can read my opinion here :)

But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.

Islam choose easy ways for mankind but this is us,the human beings who make our life difficult by expecting so much from others.As i said before,one need to make sure the person whom he/she is going to marry,thinks the same way he/she do,or ealse,two persons of different thoughts will combine to make their life hell.

and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way?

This talk of honor is mentioned in Surah Al-Nisa.It is about being loyal to your partner physically and mentally.To not get involved with the other man.
BTW,do you think honor is just to clean your room and cooking delicious food?Where you put chastity and cleanliness of heart and mind??

[Ansariyah]

;D :sl:

I have a child, so dont you think I clean? Of course I do! I just dont do it to an extent I have seen some sisters do it. And I dont want too.


I said on my post that I am clean as you go. I dont leave things to the last minutes and I expect my hubby to be the same. I simply want someone who cleans after himself. And I want someone who doesnt expect to make a meal that takes more than half an hour.

I want a simple person. :statisfie

Ameen and thanks for Dua.

:wa:

:sl: Sista

Theres nothing wrong with what u said. InshaAllah u'll be blessed with a simple, caring, loving husband. ameen.

Meals can be made quick, but it depends on the persons hand I think. Some people are quick cookers while others need more time. If u can make nice meals quick theres n/p. I wish I could cook as efficient & as fast as my Ummie. Bless her mashaAllah.=D

Going back on 'husband picking up after himself' ofcourse I agree. I think its about taking care of each other, imagine one day when u are tired he has to pick after u.=)

[kingkong]

Good luck to the OP trying to find a husband.

I'm getting married very soon and if my wife don't cook for me, no problem, my mum will. If my wife doesn't want to iron my clothes, that's fine too, I'll get my mum to wash them and then I'll iron them myself. As for fixing my bed, again I do that, but you know where this would lead, me not wanting to sleep in that bed ever again. I can't think of any successful marriage or household where the woman doesn't maintain things.

I got no issues with men doing their own chores, but it's when women start complaining how difficult their job is that men get annoyed. Here is a quote for the OP and women out there from the Hadith.

Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:


The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."


Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 28

[kingkong]

I must also add here, that I have a friend who was advising me as a younger brother, he told me he allows his wife to work, but he doesn't look at her with the same love he did when they first got married, he feels that her working in the western world in a mix environment, his wife is used property. The world gets to see her and him seeing her doesn't feel special. He also said that since his wife started to work, he feels like he has no role in the marriage, like he is not even a man anymore. He comes home to an empty house, he wakes up and his wife is fast asleep as she arrives home later. It's not just the work that's the problem, it's the clashing hours, the lack of time spent together. The list is endless, he told me this cause I'm getting married and I went to him for advice. He said since his wife started working, the house hasn't be re-decorated, he hasn't been on a date with her for years and they don't have time to visit relatives.

[LauraS]

^^That makes it sound like he just wants her to stay inside where only he can have anything to do with her, like the "property" he describes. It may not work for everyone but my mum and dad both work but still have time to visit relatives and go out together. I can't judge obviously, because I don't know the man, but it sounds he's being a bit jealous. The role of men and women in society is getting more mixed, which is a good thing, if they chose women should be able to go out and earn the money for the family and if men chose, they can give up work and look after the children (it's been on the news about an increasing number of men doing this). People should be able to do whatever they want if it works, whether it's within traditional gender roles or not.

I've just read your first post, don't get your mum to do things you can't be bothered to do yourself! I thought you said men should share in the chores, but if your clothes aren't washed you'd turn to your mum? Women and men should share the household chores, you both live in it, you both make mess. Also what if a woman has dreams and really wants to do a certain job? Should she give up that dream because the house may become untidy? Don't you think she'd get a bit depressed seeing a life of housework in front of her? Put yourself in her shoes, because in your vision of how things should be you're the man and can do whatever you like. Just because a woman is provided for and has a home (although a safe home is something to be thankful for) does not make her completely happy, we need excitement and to follow own paths too!

[AhlaamBella]

Salaam all,

I think one needs to bear in mind that the husband has been out working all day and when he comes home; hungry and tired, is it fair for him to come home to a mess and fish fingers?

Ok, maybe fish fingers is an exaggeration but you get the gist.

I agree some understanding between the 2 is vital and the husband shouldn't carelessly make a mess leaving things everywhere but part of pleasing your husband includes making the home a pleasant place for him and vice versa, of course

[kingkong]

^^That makes it sound like he just wants her to stay inside where only he can have anything to do with her, like the "property" he describes. It may not work for everyone but my mum and dad both work but still have time to visit relatives and go out together. I can't judge obviously, because I don't know the man, but it sounds he's being a bit jealous. The role of men and women in society is getting more mixed, which is a good thing, if they chose women should be able to go out and earn the money for the family and if men chose, they can give up work and look after the children (it's been on the news about an increasing number of men doing this). People should be able to do whatever they want if it works, whether it's within traditional gender roles or not.

I've just read your first post, don't get your mum to do things you can't be bothered to do yourself! I thought you said men should share in the chores, but if your clothes aren't washed you'd turn to your mum? Women and men should share the household chores, you both live in it, you both make mess. Also what if a woman has dreams and really wants to do a certain job? Should she give up that dream because the house may become untidy? Don't you think she'd get a bit depressed seeing a life of housework in front of her? Put yourself in her shoes, because in your vision of how things should be you're the man and can do whatever you like. Just because a woman is provided for and has a home (although a safe home is something to be thankful for) does not make her completely happy, we need excitement and to follow own paths too!

Firstly the man isn't jealous, he's just not happy than when he comes home from work in the evening his wife is not there, due to the different shift patterns they work, they are 3 hours off and by the time his wife does come home, it's time for him to sleep. He gets one day off in the week and even that day he has to help out his dad with their business as they need his English skills. So the point is this women likes to work, maybe she loves it, which is good at least she's happy, but sooner or later, the lack of time they spend together because of them both working different hours (they cannot be changed because both are employees and not employers) may end up pushing him away from her, it certainly sounded this way.

I've been alone without my family for periods of time (for work) and I tell you it's really depressing when you come home to an empty house, but you come home or leave in the morning even with a brief conversation with your spouse, it can make the world of difference to the relationship.

As for me not wanting to do the chores, I tend to do bits and bobs, but I'm starting to filled up with anger reading about women who just moan and moan and moan about these things. It's not doing the chores that bothers men, it's these whiny little women who go on and on about their rights. That said, my view on the entire matter has changed over the last couple of years, I discovered the Prophet PBUH did his own chores, so I will try to follow the Sunnah and do my own chores.

[LauraS]

Firstly the man isn't jealous, he's just not happy than when he comes home from work in the evening his wife is not there, due to the different shift patterns they work, they are 3 hours off and by the time his wife does come home, it's time for him to sleep. He gets one day off in the week and even that day he has to help out his dad with their business as they need his English skills. So the point is this women likes to work, maybe she loves it, which is good at least she's happy, but sooner or later, the lack of time they spend together because of them both working different hours (they cannot be changed because both are employees and not employers) may end up pushing him away from her, it certainly sounded this way.

I've been alone without my family for periods of time (for work) and I tell you it's really depressing when you come home to an empty house, but you come home or leave in the morning even with a brief conversation with your spouse, it can make the world of difference to the relationship.

As for me not wanting to do the chores, I tend to do bits and bobs, but I'm starting to filled up with anger reading about women who just moan and moan and moan about these things. It's not doing the chores that bothers men, it's these whiny little women who go on and on about their rights. That said, my view on the entire matter has changed over the last couple of years, I discovered the Prophet PBUH did his own chores, so I will try to follow the Sunnah and do my own chores.

I can understand that both working can be difficult for a relationship, but they should look for a way around it that isn't instantly the wife must give up working. Why should it be the wife? You should think about the feelings of these "whiny little women", what do they want? Imagine a life where you had to give up your goals and look after the house every day. Doesn't the fact you don't like the idea of women not sticking to household chores make you a "whiny little man"? If women want to stay at home, and they have enough money to do so, then fair enough.

The reason I said the man sounds jealous is because he objected to having the world see his wife (?). She has to put up with the world seeing him.

[kingkong]

I can understand that both working can be difficult for a relationship, but they should look for a way around it that isn't instantly the wife must give up working. Why should it be the wife? You should think about the feelings of these "whiny little women", what do they want? Imagine a life where you had to give up your goals and look after the house every day. Doesn't the fact you don't like the idea of women not sticking to household chores make you a "whiny little man"? If women want to stay at home, and they have enough money to do so, then fair enough.

The reason I said the man sounds jealous is because he objected to having the world see his wife (?). She has to put up with the world seeing him.

Yes they should look for a solution, but if there isn't one and usually unless you get flexible hours, or one or both of them go part time there's not much else that can be done. If one of them has to quit the job it has to be the woman, Islam states the man is the maintainer and provider. What kind of a man would he be if he sacrificed the job he had? As for men and women being whiny, I won't comment any further else people will say I'm sexist. But I'm sure you know what I'm thinking.

As for the second comment about him being jealous, it's a perfectly acceptable form of jealousy, isn't the term Gheerah? We men go to work and we have to lower our gaze, it's ordered upon us to, to avoid looking at women, so that the only woman we are allowed to look at (wives) is all the more meaningful. There's not much else to say on this except that if the woman covers herself and is trustworthy, he shouldn't, in fact no man should have any issues.

[LauraS]

Yes they should look for a solution, but if there isn't one and usually unless you get flexible hours, or one or both of them go part time there's not much else that can be done. If one of them has to quit the job it has to be the woman, Islam states the man is the maintainer and provider. What kind of a man would he be if he sacrificed the job he had? As for men and women being whiny, I won't comment any further else people will say I'm sexist. But I'm sure you know what I'm thinking.

As for the second comment about him being jealous, it's a perfectly acceptable form of jealousy, isn't the term Gheerah? We men go to work and we have to lower our gaze, it's ordered upon us to, to avoid looking at women, so that the only woman we are allowed to look at (wives) is all the more meaningful. There's not much else to say on this except that if the woman covers herself and is trustworthy, he shouldn't, in fact no man should have any issues.

It's just that the roles women and men in life are changing, women have more rights around the world now which means they want to get out there and work and make their own hoices outside the home. It doesn't make a man any less a man if he's not the one working, as I said perceptions are changing. You may not like it but it's the way it is, things change. I'm not a complete feminist but after everything women have had to put up with through time, constantly being looked down upon, considered second class, less intelligent and the tools of men across all cultures then who can blame us for having had enough and wanting change? You may find it whining, but unfortunately it's the truth. :/

[Asiyah3]

I grew up in a clean house and loving cleanness al-hamdulillah. This and I love cleaning (it's a
wonderful excercise and fun), I dislike lazy and dirty people (this trait in them), whether men or women
and this would include my future husband. I love clean and tidy hardworking people.

If my husband would come home from work or uni, I'd sure not let him return to a dirty and messy home, especially if I've been home the whole day sitting on the couch while he's been working (this would be wrong, simply).
However, as I said I dislike lazy and messy people, it would be wrong of him to walk around the house throwing his clothes & shoes or his dishes here and there and expecting me to come clean after him and put it into it's place.

The general cleaning of the house, I'd do myself, but he should do his own part, meaning clean up his own mess. Even a small child picks up his jigsaw puzzle and toys, how can a big grown-up man not?!

[Rafeeq]

Cleaning and cooking is not such a big deal, I understand. Husband wife relation is based on mutual understanding and tie up with love. It is an agreement only to spend life togather but love only will make both of the parties to remain tie-up.

When my wife does all these works for me, cooks every new reciepe to amuse me, my appreciation increases towards her. Although, there is no restrictions for a wife to do all these stuff, but these are tiny small pieces of work to exhibit your affaction to your husband.

[Cabdullahi]

what will they say next :

i can't be arsed to breastfeed...i want a man who is able to breastfeed!.


Muslim women know your Islamic rights and stay in touch with femininity, the way Allah has created you to be.


marriage is a trade...a business...you offer something you get something that's how it should work....dont let other entities cloud your thinking, that men only want and are unconcerned about giving.

[Muhaba]

you can ask him to hire you a servant several times a week who will do some of the cleaning so all the burden won't be on you. marriage is about understanding and compromise and being considerate twoard each others' needs. so while you would want him to care about what you want and not make you make the house sparkling clean everyday, you would also want him to have a nice clean house and you'd also be considerate toward his financial status and not make him spend more money than he can.

both partners should do their best to make each other as comfortable and happy as possible, not overburdening each other with something that would make them uncomfortable.

[LauraS]

The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. :) Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.

[Cabdullahi]

The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. :) Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.

It was tidy and it became untidy because of one cup and one plate?

keep practicing your confrontational skills and then come here and keep us updated with your progress :thumbs_up

[Asiyah3]

The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. :) Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.

Cool. =D

May I ask a question? Will you, if Allah wills, share the caregiving of children with your future husband equally?

[LauraS]

Cool. =D

May I ask a question? Will you, if Allah wills, share the caregiving of children with your future husband equally?

Yeah, I think both parents should have an equal involvement. :)


Abdullahii-it will become untidy if everyone decides they can't be bothered to clean up their cup and plates (being in unveristy I know this :raging: ). But it's not really fair for someone not to do a simple task like washing up their dinner things when the other person has had to tidy the whole kitchen.

[Maryan0]

It was tidy and it became untidy because of one cup and one plate?

keep practicing your confrontational skills and then come here and keep us updated with your progress :thumbs_up

He couldnt be bothered to clean up one cup and plate?
This is one of my pet peeves, when someone comes into a clean kitchen and makes a mess and doesn't bother to clean it up. The only people who I will let get away with that are my parents.
Salam

[flowergarden]

Salaam Sister,
Well I believe there should be equal, I believe if you make a mess after I have cleaned please pick up and care for the house as I do, I believe the man you will marry will follow up as the clean as you go.

With the cooking, my father actually cooks a lot. So a man can cook, he can learn to, it doesn't always have to be the wife. For me, I want a husband that will like to cook with me and help me around the house as I will help him as much as I can.

But also you can't deny a good man who loves you over small things... but you can't accept someone who you do not get along with. Now with the man who you said no to it is obvious you two don't get along as much as it should be..
But say a man comes along, and you both have same charter, morals, etc...and he asks you if you can wake up with him and help him iron his clothes once in a while (not everyday) and he wants you to cook as well. I really feel that you shouldn't say no right away.
Because Marriage is a job in itself... you have to change alot for marriage, by change it is because there is a lot of responsibility. So it is easy to say this now, but when the right man comes, you will help him as much as you can.

Allah bless you! :)

[flowergarden]

what will they say next :

i can't be arsed to breastfeed...i want a man who is able to breastfeed!.

LOL! That is funny. I just feel some women want eqaullity, if the house it clean and you make a mess clean up after yourself.
Personally I know I would help clean, and cook even though I would be working/at university as well... I feel in marriage it is a change, a drastic change with a lot of responsibility, so in the end when marriage comes, man and women will change.

[Salahudeen]

Having maintained the house during the summer holidays I do have to say it is really irritating when another person doesn't clean up after themselves, and they leave their mess for you to clean up after them. For example they finish eating and they just get up and leave their plate at the table and don't even bother taking it into the kitchen this really bugs me!

or if they have a packet of crisps and leave the packet lying around for days it really gets under my skin so I clean up after them myself but as I'm doing it I do find myself wishing that they would simply clean up their own mess.

Having experienced this I got into the habbit of all ways washing the plate I ate from and all ways throwing my rubbish in the bin hoping other members of my family would follow suite, sadly I'm still cleaning up after them :@

I don't think it's alot to ask of a husband for him to clean up any mess he makes as this is good manners I believe, I mean why would you want somebody else to clean up the mess you made, I'd find it highly embarressing another person washing my underwear and dirty clothes.

I did use to be really lazy then my mum realized and stopped doing things for me cos she said "your wife is going to moan at me and say what kind of son did you make who can't do anything for himself" ;D

so things changed and I saw it from the other view point and it's not nice cleaning up someone elses mess every second of the day because their too lazy to throw their rubbish away or wash the plate they ate from.

but then I guess the other aspect is if men are at work all day they're going to be too tired to maintain the house also, imagine if the husband is doing a manual labour job where he's on his feet all day I imagine he's going to be very tired when he comes home and will just collapse on the sofa to rest. I would argue having been at work all day working hard to bring a wage in and take care of his wifes financial needs she could do things for him out of her love for him.

I am yet to meet a superman who works 9 till 5 really hard and then comes home and does house work, most people I know just want to chill after work and take it easy. not do more work at home so I guess it's a two way thing, the wife needs to be understanding of the husbands situation and the husband needs to be understanding of the wife.

People have different capabilites so it would be unfair to expect every man to be happy with cleaning the house because people are different in what they can handle and like doing, you get some men who like cooking and would rather do it themselves instead of their wife, you get other men who like cleaning and would prefer to do it themselves instead of the wife.

So I guess it really depends on each person and what he's capable of doing, I don't mind cleaning and helping my wife with it but I wouldn't like to help her cook so I'd find a wife who'd be ok with that.

Compatibility is really important for this reason, you need to ensure you and your wife are compatible in all these areas before you get married otherwise it will just cause arguments.

I guess everyone's different and what we require in a partner varies from person to person and to use blanket statements wouldn't be right I feel.

[جوري]

why am I noticing such a battle of the sexes in some of the replies?
I think a husband and wife should act like a team, men have rights over you, you have rights over them. It doesn't make one inferior or superior.. why not just communicate your fears, desires etc with spouse instead of assuming things or taking a defensive approach..

I like cleaning because I have certain standards when it comes to clean. I don't like cooking but started to pick that up recently after watching iron chef and 'chopped' I have learned a few things I find it relaxing, you might just end up with a hubby who is a master cook and doesn't want to eat your food at all.. if you aren't actually married it is premature to jump the gun and to be quite honest I am not sure what cooking and cleaning have to do with obedience?

This is a true story of a husband and wife that was on the discovery channel one of their survivor stories and for what it is worth the couple were westerners. The wife liked to swim but she was 7 m pregnant, her husband forbade her from going for a swim, she went anyway and was attacked by a shark she lost a limb and her unborn child but al7mdlillaah her life was spared.. To me that is an example of disobeying her husband and probably a lesser man would have said 'I told you so' her husband seemed really sad and aggrieved over what transpired.. I don't think a husband should abuse the 'obey' thing and neither should a wife.. I mean if people love and RESPECT one another then such requests surely stem from wisdom and love not to enslave ones partner..

:w:

[yas2010]

Growing up my parents i think had a good balance. Mash'Allah my dear Dad was a great cook, but the kitchen after he had finished cooking would look like a bomb had hit it. Then mum would come in clean sigh and laugh. But Mash'Allah we would all sit and down as family and enjoy the meal. ;D

Now as a wife and a mother. I enjoy cooking and cleaning for my family. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to know my family live in a clean house and eat a meal that i have cooked. TBH my husband really couldnt boil an egg, but he doesnt mind ironing and helping doing other chores around the house. We are a team, that is how you must look at it. Your home is a blessing if you choose to see it that way.

Always remember the Sunnah of our dear Prophet who would carry out chorse. May Allah (swt) guide us ALL.

[ardianto]

:sl:

Actually, cooking is nothing to do with obedience.

My wife started learn to cook before married. Not because she would marry me, but because she is a woman. Same like my mommy, my sisters, my female relatives, they learned to cook because they are women. In my place women must learn how to cook and men must learn how to make money.

So sisters, can't you cook ? just learn. Is it hard to learn cooking ? don't forget, every professional chef could not cook before they learn.

[ardianto]

Maybe not every member here know that nikah is actually handover process which the wali gives a woman under his guardianship to a man who take over his responsibility on that woman.

Before a woman married, the parent (wali) had responsibility to fulfill her needs, gives protection, gives love, and she must obey her parent. But after she has married, responsibility to fulfill her needs, give protection and love turn into her husband, and she must obey her husband. Of course, the husband must gives her enough freedom and not treat her like slave or servant. However, when her husband need her obedience, she must obey him. In example, if the husband must moves to another city, even if the wife has a good job, she must leave her job and follow her husband.

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum,

I am with you sister, perhaps I am very lucky to have an understanding husband, actually he does the ironing and cooking sometimes, he is independent and he likes to care for me, he does not like me to be tired but once in 3 months he would open mouth and complain about my laziness :D You see he spoiled me and now he complains, reallly weird man lol:phew

But when I clean, it must be very clean or I wont clean at all lol, its general cleaning mood lol

We are both working full time & part time, but we have plenty of time relaxing at home like 4-5hours daily,,, so nice,,, I guess its the attitude, some men expect to be served fine & some wants to be treated like little 'king' and some men likes to serve their woman more than to be served, and even if you agree during engagement you cant ensure that he will be okay with it forever. So before I advise you I must apply to myself first, Nowadays I am considering to be OPEN MINDED in this, i cant be lazy forever, it would be nice to serve him better too :statisfie:statisfie

I can compare it to Arabic, earlier I reject the idea, language seems so complicated! but alhamdollelah I forced myself and now I can read & write like Grade 1

It's so exciting, I always show my husband I can write Salam or my name in Arabic and can read Quran (very slowly) hahaha ,, BIG DEAL:D:D:D
Is anyone jealous here :D

About the obedience thing, ofcourse if the man is righteous, we must obey them for men has definite decisions than us (moody women), good husbands wont like anything bad to happen to his wife & when its proven they will earn our obedience,

however you can have your husband's respect and obedience too. My husband likes to ask me for anything, and I would advise him only when I think I can provide the best option and alhamdollelah he would follow it, if I dont know how to handle the situation I would be honest and tell him, sorry my mind is not suitable to fix that, dont inclue me in ur problem loool


also women must not be material and demanding, that's another secret, because i noticed whatever i ask my husband he never say no, same thing when his mom ask him,,, most of the time we asked for good service...

[Abz2000]

there ain't no line - the duty falls to you, discuss it with him before the marriage to see if he'll help out, take it from me - some men get frustrated with household chores and would rather break a sweat chopping logs than make a cup of tea

just like a woman doesn't have to spend of her inheritance or give it to her husband, but a decent one would obviously chuck it in when times are tough for the family.

i would discuss it first to avoid bad feelings afterwards, though i would personally like a trustworthy wife who's faith can't be budged, and preferably one who cooks really nice meals - as a bonus :D

[Jedi_Mindset]

Assalam Alaykum to all :)

I just want to post a reminder and maybe it is posted here already or isn't but just want to remind you this;

(1) Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you." (Book #2, Hadith #28)

;) It very is matching nowadays when women here are dominating men. and men become their slaves.

[Scimitar]

Oh sheesh... don't I know it ;D

To be fair though, women are lovely - when they are lovely (that is)... (smirk)

[ardianto]

;) It very is matching nowadays when women here are dominating men. and men become their slaves.

Actually I disagree with this. Nowadays men are still dominating women.

But, I have found many cases which the wives disrespect their husbands, refuse to serve the husbands, always dressed sexy to attract other men, spread news about their husband bad performance on bed, never say thank you and always insult their husbands as not able to make money although their husbands work as hard as they could. And the worst cases were cases which wives left kind husbands to marry rich men. Sadly, I have seen cases like these with my eyes.

This is why I always remind young brothers, if they want to marry a woman, they must look at her character and personality and not stuck only on beauty. It for prevent them marrying 'wrong' women.

It's better they marry women who are not physically beautiful but have good ahlaq (manner), than marry beautiful women who have bad akhlaq. But if they can marry beautiful women who have beautiful akhlaq, ....... Alhamdulillah.

[highway4]

I Absolutely agree with this hadeeth... i dont take this harshly!...
I do see women dominate men.... Not all women do...there are still dominating men out there too... LOL

women are outnumbering men...
women will be like men and men will be like a women...

I do agree with some of the points that brother Jedi_Mindset has bought up...

Its our way of thinking, immorality and love of this dunya (world) thats brought up these problems...
People are decreasing in knowledge, knowledge is the key to success...
If people looked upon and followed the way of life that Beloved Prophet Muhammad led as an example to mankind then this wouldn't be an issue....
It would be JUST!

[ardianto]

spread news about their husband bad performance on bed,

It's really happened. A woman revealed her bedroom secret and told complain about her husband's bad performance in front of me, my wife and some other people. And according to my wife, there are some other women who have same habit.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Women have the power to fell empires, assassinate powerful men, and make us all feel like uber-dorks no matter how cool everyone else thinks we are.

[Jedi_Mindset]

Yes but that's not the point, my point is there are many womens who don't obey/being ungratefull to her husband. as long as the husband isn't oppresive, give the wife Halal advice. then she needs to be obey and thank him. nowadays, many womans are to emotional. I know the islam gives women equal rights as the men, but what said in this hadeeth is what is happening today sadly.

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

Brother Ardianto's post is true to life story.

Alhamdollelah since becoming a Muslimah, I have greatly reduced sharing any secrets to others and also if I see something wrong with my husband I will be frank with him but I would never seriously complain to others about his character, well I dont tell people details, but people knows I am lucky with him alhamdollelah, and I don't wish to damage his reputation. Besides there is no point of complaining when he is my husband already, the shame goes to me if I embarass him in front of others or say say negative things.
:statisfie

[Cabdullahi]

Our sisters are on the right track.

[Scimitar]

Good thread. Thought I'd share this:

It has been narrated by Muaaz Ibn Jabal. He relates that the Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam had instructed, "When a woman causes her husband suffering his wife, amongst his celestial brides (Hooray-Ayn), curses, ‘May Allah also inflict pain on you. Don’t cause your husband suffering.’ And Oh my beloved Fatimah, reproach awaits the woman who disobeys her husband."(Ibn Maajah and Tirmidhi)

At the end of this narration there are also the words, "May Allah also inflict pain on you. All men are merely your guests. Soon they will leave you and come to me."

But, I have found many cases which the wives disrespect their husbands, refuse to serve the husbands, always dressed sexy to attract other men, spread news about their husband bad performance on bed, never say thank you and always insult their husbands as not able to make money although their husbands work as hard as they could. And the worst cases were cases which wives left kind husbands to marry rich men. Sadly, I have seen cases like these with my eyes.

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam stated, "There are three people who will be asked nothing in regard to themselves. I. A person who separates himself from his brotherhood and disobeys his religious leader and caliph. II. A slave who absconds and meets his death whilst still in the state of disobedience. III. A wife who, in her husband’s absence, adorns and displays herself before others behind her husband’s back, though he has left her ample provisions."
____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam stated, " If a man or a woman were to spend seventy years in obedience of Allah T’aala, but at the time of death attempt, in a bequest, to cause each other harm (man to woman or woman to man), hell becomes compulsory upon them. Abu Hurairah recited the following verses:

After payment of legacies he (or she) may have bequeathed or debts, so that no loss is caused (to anyone). (4:12)

(Abu Dawud:Abu Hurairah)

____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam has stated, " A person who after having intercourse with his spouse, reveals their secrecy, will be in the lowest rank on the day of Judgement in the eyes of Allah."

____

The Prophet sallallahu alaihe wasallam has said, "I severly dislike that woman who puts her cloak on and leaves the home in order to complain about her husband." (Tabrani, Haithami)

[Rhubarb Tart]

:sl:Reminder for married couples? Please change the thread title to: advise/reminder to married sisters or advise to sisters!

[Jedi_Mindset]

No, since a couple both need to work when they've this problem. (like talking with each other and so on)

[ardianto]

Reminder for married couples? Please change the thread title to: advise/reminder to married sisters or advise to sisters!

The title doesn't need to change. This thread contains reminders for wives and husbands. But started with reminders for wives, and then other members can post reminders for husbands.

For wives first, and then for husbands. It called "Ladies First".

[kingkong]

What does one do when you have one of these wives who discusses bedroom matters to the outside world? Let's be honest a lot of womanfolk are like this. Do you divorce them and find someone else? Or do you just stick with them in the hope that they learn from it, when in all likelihood they carry on spreading the secrets.

[Scimitar]

Take another wife ;D ... the first one has to agree though. Just tell her, Your sister is coming to town - is that ok? And if she agrees - do the nikah ;D

Ok ok, i'm half joking, and half serious.

[ardianto]

What does one do when you have one of these wives who discusses bedroom matters to the outside world? Let's be honest a lot of womanfolk are like this.

Discuss or spreading the secret ? in closed environment or to the outside world ?.

Many wives discusses bedroom matters with another woman such as mother, sister, friend or female Islamic teacher in closed environment. And this is not wrong because is based on positive motives, share experiences and suggestions so that they can serve their husbands better.

But spreading bedroom secret to the outside world is different, this is wrong behavior. Yes I know, there are women who have this bad habit.

[Jedi_Mindset]

If she reveals anything about that, i would divorce. I know alot of girls/women do. Dunno why they do that or what's the purpose of it. Like they're proud for having ''FUN''. pfff. It's a big sin to speak it with a stranger and not only with your husband.

[ardianto]

I know alot of girls/women do

Not only women. Some of my male friends did it too. But, yes, usually people who like to reveal their bedroom secrets are women, especially uneducated/low educated women.

[Silent Peace]

Nice thread bro robin, Alhamdulilah, Jazak'Allah.
I agree revealing bedroom secret's are very wrong behavior.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

In Western culture at least, it's common for dudes to brag about their sexual exploits. A lot of women do it too. I remember being in college and hearing several of my classmates, both male and female, openly discussing their sex life like it was no big deal. It's become accepted and expected in Western culture that everyone is having sex by the time they are a teenager. Even those not in a relationship are at least expected to be engaging in casual relations, and it is considered no big deal to discuss such things.

I try to avoid such topics whenever they come up.

[Jedi_Mindset]

Since i'm 16 and also in college to, i experience that very much. it's horrible, i avoid those convo's to. They brag that they can have intercourse with many girls as possible. it's insane, like ''sex'' is nothing. And the worst is, i see this with muslims also.

[Rhubarb Tart]

The title doesn't need to change. This thread contains reminders for wives and husbands. But started with reminders for wives, and then other members can post reminders for husbands.

For wives first, and then for husbands. It called "Ladies First".

Please point me in the right direction, where is the advise for husbands? hence why i have written that comment in the first place! The OP is clearly directing this thread towards the sisters and has no intention of posting advise for the husband (he clearly think there is no need to hey ho). has anyone posted advise for husband as of yet since you commented? no! so he needs to change his thread to ( i changed my mind about advise for sisters): bad habits of women and bunch of brother up in here complaining!;D


best regards!

[Scimitar]

You have a point sister...

...However, I do think that the sisters here can post hadeeth giving advice to men also. If a sister posts hadeeth pertaining to the issue of men in marriage, let it be one that she is worried about happening to her - in the same vein that brothers here have posted their primary concerns about married life and related this to hadeeth.

Sounds like a plan... Insha-Allah, we can better help understand eachother this way.

[Rhubarb Tart]

No, since a couple both need to work when they've this problem. (like talking with each other and so on)

this problem is about sisters disobeying their husbands? can i ask what examples have you seen of sisters disobeying their husband? And who are you fooling? you even highlighted women to emphasize your point.

[Jedi_Mindset]

Salaam

the clarification for it is already in that hadeeth. Read carefully please. And do you know how a couple works? Since, when a sister don't takes the advice of her husband(Aslong that he is good) that it affects the husband also. you need to first talk with her, then if it not helps, the family. I'm fooling nobody, if it's me you can place also reminders for husbands ;)

[Jedi_Mindset]

I never said to do not place advice to husbands, if i don't want that i would've posted it. So don't understand why you are complaining?

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

If any sisters have advice for us men, I would be glad to hear it. I want to know what kind of man I should become.

[ardianto]

Please point me in the right direction, where is the advise for husbands? hence why i have written that comment in the first place! The OP is clearly directing this thread towards the sisters and has no intention of posting advise for the husband (he clearly think there is no need to hey ho). has anyone posted advise for husband as of yet since you commented? no! so he needs to change his thread to ( i changed my mind about advise for sisters): bad habits of women and bunch of brother up in here complaining!

Like I have said, other members can post reminders for husbands. So, why don't you post some reminders for husbands ?.

As human, husbands are not perfect. They often made mistakes but they didn't realize it. And if their wives never tell them what are their mistakes that annoy their wives, how can those husbands know ?. :)

Wives don't need to afraid to remind their husbands. Husbands and wives have different duties in the families, but they are equal.

[Scimitar]

:sl:

If any sisters have advice for us men, I would be glad to hear it. I want to know what kind of man I should become.

This ^ perfectly said.

[ardianto]

If your wife cook a strange food that you never ate, and she really wants you to eat it, then be happy, because it's a sign she loves you.

If your wife does not care about you, she will persuade you to hire a maid who will cook for you.

If your wife is afraid of you, she's just going to cook the food that you want, because she is afraid you will be angry if she does not indulge you.

But if your wife really loves you, she will always want to give you something special, not something that usual. That's why she cook a food that you never ate, not a favorite food that you often ate.

Maybe this food will feel strange on your tongue, maybe you will not like its taste. But do not make your wife feel disappointed, appreciate what she has done for you. She cooks with love.

:)

[Rhubarb Tart]

:salambox:


I hope you dont mind me posting this article in your topic as its relevant. I hope it is useful.

The Household Chores And The Husband!
Question:

As salamu aalikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!
Our beloved Prophet Muhammed (SAW) was a great leader, a great teacher, a great preacher, a Prophet, and he still had time and the mood to be a great husband. Why is it so difficult for men to be cooperative with their wives in house chores?

I’m a housewife, but I work as well at a company (temporarily at home as a freelancer). I love my husband very much, al hamdu Lillah, and generally I’m happy with our married life; however, I think it could be improved, insha-Allah.

Sometimes I can’t stop feeling that my two only functions is to clean the house (clothes, cooking, etc.) and satisfy him. Although I feel I’m right, sometimes, I also feel guilty because of that. I want to believe that a woman can be more than that! True! Because of the lack of cooperation and these feelings, I have started to become lazy with my house chores. I think it could be a lot easier for both of us if there was more cooperation, and I mean cooperation! I don’t want my husband to do all the chores, just to help sometimes. Whenever I request him, timidly, he gives “the annoyed look” and does some other chore that I didn’t ask him to do.

Answer:

Hwaa Irfan

As salamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh dear sister…

Yes, Prophet Muhammed was a great leader, teacher, preacher, and husbands who helped with the household chores too, but guess what? There is only one Prophet Muhammed (SAW). We can always compare what we have with role models and make ourselves pretty miserable. If everyone had the same experiences, and learnt in the same manner, and applied themselves in the same way to all aspects of life, it would be very dull life do you not think? Al hamdu Lillah, Allah (SWT), got it right on our behalf, and provided us with variety. As much as 20th century man has tried to make everything the same between the sexes, somehow in real terms, it just does not quite translate! The reason why it does not translate is because we as humans like to re-write the rules without considering the consequences.

What was the above all about you might be thinking sister. Well, it would seem that because you go out to work, and you work at home as well you expect your husband to do the same. However, Allah (SWT) did not design the whole creation thing in that way, and made husbands and fathers the providers as stated in the Qur’an. This does not mean that only men can go out to provide, it means that it is their responsibility to provide. For wives it is a choice Islamically speaking, albeit that there might be a decision by both husband and wife that the wife should/could go out to work.

What your husband earns is for the benefit of the family, and what you as the wife earns is at your discretion. If your income is for the benefit of the family, it is because it is a decision made by the both of you. Having no knowledge of what your husband’s occupation is, in general men do like to return to the sanctuary of home which should balance out the demands of the outside world.

Before you blow steam, yes, you too have a demanding job both at home and at work. However, do you carry over the work mind set into the home? For example, if you have people working with you and under you, do you talk to your husband in the same manner in which you talk to them. Your day may be full of a set of instructions and orders in order to keep on top of the work, but by the time you return home, that social psychology should be left at the company you work for. When you arrive home you should be the wife, the friend, the sister who your husband looks forward to being with at the end of his working day. To enable this you too have to slow down. Yes, there are many things to be done when one gets home, but if you go at it the same way you do at work, there will be no difference for you or for your husband.

Take a look at the things you do when you get home and make a list of them all, then prioritize them. The colour code them into most important, less important, and can wait. The chores that need to be done every evening (most important), look at them again, and see how you can schedule you in! Schedule you in? Yes, by doing this you will provide yourself with the opportunity to unwind, to slow down, and to relax enough to be there for yourself, and for your husband. Less important tasks can be set for 2/3 time weekly, and least important once-a-week.

•Take that long shower or a hot bath, put some nice smelling oils in, then put on something comfortable.


•Do your prayers on time, and give thanks for what you have.


•Make du’aa’ that you will always understand and appreciate each other

•Prepare the kind of meal that is good for the both of you, but does not require you to be in the kitchen all throughout.

•Prepare the meal based on what you have. This helps to avoid unnecessary panic for an ingredient which results in a tiresome stint to the shops.


•If your husband is present and has had some time to unwind, invite him to share in the preparation of the meal with you. The time could be used to talk about light subjects, and even share laughter.

•While the meal is cooking, relax and do some reading. If your husband is home, sit and talk with him – share your day, or talk about something more interesting to the both of you.


•The washing does not have to be done every day.


•The cleaning can be kept to a minimum, especially if the home is not cluttered with furniture and furnishings.


•Anything you need you husbands help in invite him e.g. “Could you help me to…” which goes much farther than an order.


•Invite your husband into the kitchen to help set the table, dish out the meal, etc., with you.

•Allow for each the time for a little privacy or quiet moment.


•Shop for a week instead every time you run out of something. This can be done together, take turns, or he is responsible for certain types of shopping, and you other types of shopping.

•With time on your hands, you might even be able to visit a friend, a relative, or attend an event together.

•Most importantly, do not do the same thing every evening, otherwise routine will get the better of your marriage.

•Always ensure that there is something that you can both do together.

Dear sister, have a happy life!

http://muslimmarriages.wordpress.com...d-the-husband/

[Al-bint]

Well that is a fact if he bought it from his money. Yes he shouldnt be reminding her of that but if shes not taking care of it, he has all the rights to put it into her head that she better respect his property. If she cant change her behavior then I guess its time to part ways.

really? and who gave that right? As long as what she's doing is not against Allah's Law, I don't think any man has got that right...

AllahuAalim! Again dint the Prophet (s.a.w) lend a helping hand to the Umm-ul-mu'minin in the house-hold chores? or did he go the other way round as you are mentioning?

If a husband is a woman's way to paradise, then even the best man in sight of Allah is the one who is best to his wife! It goes both ways...

I hate to be a full on housewife.

As for you I can only say that remember a husband is your way to paradise and isnt a way to husband's heart said to be delicious food?
just saying :)



Wasalaam!

[~ Sabr ~]

bumpty bump

Jazaak Allaah Khayr

[Muhaba]

It is good advice. all the married members, print it out and read daily.

[MysticSoumeya]

Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse ... Best advice, in my very humble opinion.

[dysphoricrocker]

Thank you for this very good advice. Hope it will benefit me when the right time comes. Now i think i need advice on finding a spouse instead :shade:

[abdul111]

Allah mentions His complete favor upon His slaves from what He has created for them in regards to their houses being places of tranquility. They are places of refuge, screening and of benefit from all aspects.
A house for us is a place of eating, marriage, sleeping and rest. A place of privacy, meeting one's wife and children, a place to safeguard oneself. It is a place of security from evil and protection from the people.
Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said: "Safety for a man in times of tribulations is to stay in his home." Hasan - Related by Tabaree in al-Aswat from Thawbaan (radhi allahu anhu) and it is also in Saheeh ul-Jaami (3824)
Most importantly, a home is an important means towards building the Muslim community. The society is made up from home and it is the origin. The home is life and the life is society. If the home is strong then the community will be strong in implementing the laws of Allah, resisting the aims of the enemies of Allah, to spread good and to stop evil from penetrating.
What is required is callers who are guides, students of knowledge, sincere mujaahideen, a righteous wife, mothers who can educate etc. to be born out of our Muslim homes and then go into the society in order to reform it.
Hence, if this subject is so important and our homes have evil and large deficiencies, negligence and carelessness thus comes the question: 'What are the ways in which we can reform our HOMES?'

[muhammad0315]

Thanks for the advise

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Memories :offended:

[~ Sabr ~]

SubhaanAllaah, Allaahu Akbar!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you close your eyes you feel you are THERE!!!!! :'(

[ardianto]

:sl:

My sister in-law told her friend "you seem like do not care about your appearance", but her friend replied calmly "I already have a husband".

In another thread I've written, men want to get married only with women who can make them physically attracted. And women know about it. This is why the girls (usually) always care about their appearance, because they want to have high value in the eyes of men who are looking for life-partners. And when the men who they expect start to look at them, immediately they got panic attack, look at the the mirror everytime, ask everyone "do I look good? do I look beautiful?".

Many of them then reach their dream, get married. Unfortunatelly, there are women who regard, get married means "Mission is complete". If before they get married they really care on their appearance, after they got married, they're lazy to maintain their appearance. They think "why do I need to look beautiful? I already get a husband"

They do not realize, their husband married them not only for one night. If their husband wanted to marry them because they were physically attracted, their husband expect to always physically attracted.

I've seen some cases. Men married women who beautiful enough and made them attracted. But later they felt disappointed because their wives could not maintain their good appearance. What happened next? those men got married again with women who are not physically beautiful, but able to maintain their good appearance.

Get married does not means Mission is complete, but only move to the next stage. If in stage "Want to get married" the goal is "I should get a husband", in stage "already married" the goal is "I should make my husband always love me".

Maintain good appearance is a form of appreciation to the husband, even many ulama say, maintain good appearance for the sake of the husband is sunnah. The husbands would feel appreciated if their wives always try to look good for them. Insha Allah, it will make them always love their wives.

So, sisters, always maintain your good appearance. This is reminder for the wives.

How about reminder for the husbands?

Brothers, if your wives have good intention to always look beautiful for the sake of you, facilitate them, buy them good dresses, give them money that they need to maintain their beauties. This is you duty as a husband.

:)

[TrueStranger]

Nice Thread...

Requests were made by Muslim brothers who read my article "How To Guard Your Husband's Honor As A Muslim Wife", asking me to write an article detailing the important things which Muslim men should do as imperative duties and obligations towards their wives. Below is therefore, a list of things for Muslim men to remember when dealing with their wives. An important reminder: these tips are being suggested while bearing in mind the specific dangers and risks that married individuals face, as a couple, in today's day and age. Marriages today need to be armed with sufficient armor against the severe onslaught of fitnah's.

Always emulate the behavior of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] with his wives:
Allah says in the Qur'an: "You have indeed in the Messenger of Allah, a beautiful example (of conduct) for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who remembers Allah much." [Qur'an - 33:21]

The Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] overlooked his wives' shortcomings, and tolerated their unreasonable behavior. The books of ahadith are replete with examples of how he ignored what he did not like about their actions, with a smile and patient silence. Once, when he became very angry with all of them, he left their company and resolved not to talk to them for a month.

Instead of shouting or verbally reprimanding your wife for every mistake, just ignore her. If she is fighting with you or being unreasonable, you can always leave the room and not answer back, which is the best strategy. When you will ignore her for some time, she will willingly relinquish the behavior which angered you.

Treat her with respect, especially during intimacy:

Sexual gratification is the foremost reason why men get married, and they make serious mistakes right in the beginning, which cause the greatest blows to their marital relationship. Muslim men should fear Allah regarding how they handle their wives during intimacy.

Narrated Jabir Bin Abdullah [may Allah be pleased with him], "The Prophet [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] did not allow sexual intercourse before fondling (the wife)." [Abu Dawood]

It is a sad fact that nowadays, when a man gets married, he has already seen a lot of porn or sexually graphic movie scenes, courtesy the different forms of media available to him to satisfy his curiosity, which poison his mind about how to treat a woman, much before he actually brings home a wife.

O Muslim Brother! That innocent girl you bring home has no affinity to that sultry siren you've watched on TV - she's vulnerable, innocent and scared. So be gentle and get her to relax, and don't cause any irreparable damage by being hasty. In Islam, a woman is a jewel -- a gem, which should be taken care of and treated with dignity and respect.

Imam al-Daylami [may Allah be merciful on him] records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik [may Allah be pleased with him] that the Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] is reported to have said: "One of you should not fulfill one's (sexual) need from one's wife like an animal, rather there should be, between them, foreplay of kissing and words."
[Musnad Al-Firdaws of Al-Daylami, 2/55]

The good Muslim husband should, therefore, forget the marketing policies of Hugh Hefner's multimillion-dollar, testosterone-driven industry and focus on the advice of Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم]. Movies and romance novels are not the sources from which you should be drawing instructions for intimacy. Also, you as a Muslim should learn to respect women in general, before you get married.

Remember that when a prostitute came to ask Allah's Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] for monetary help, he helped her and did not treat her disrespectfully. What about you? Have there been times when you have seen or met a woman who tempted you, and you thought: "S1ut", or "Wh0re"? Have you ever verbally or mentally used abusive words, such as "B1tch", for any woman? Do you believe, due to your cultural baggage, that women are inherently evil; that Eve tempted Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, that women should be locked up inside the house because they lead men astray when they go out? Do you believe that women are inferior to men? Do you believe that women are the basic cause of the prevalence of decadence and sin? Do you shout at your mother and sister for not serving you your food or coffee when you ask for it? If so, you really need to change your thinking and attitude towards women before you enter marriage, because a man, who has truly grasped the essence of Islamic teachings regarding the kind treatment of women, will never, ever answer the above questions in the affirmative. And if he does, it is highly likely that he will disrespect his wife, and not be able to keep her happy.

Maintain personal grooming and hygiene:

Once every two weeks, trim, shave or clip anything that grows on your body. Keep your hair and beard washed and combed -- smelling and looking clean.
Use the siwak (tooth-stick), floss, toothpaste, mouth-spray or mouthwash to maintain oral hygiene. Shower daily and use deodorants or other strong fragrance to smell good at home, not just at the Jum'uah or Eid congregation.

Remember that doing all this is the sunnah (way) of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], who abhorred any kind of body odour (mouth, armpit or foot) emanating from himself. Wear the colors and clothing styles that your wife prefers, if Islam permits them.

Your wife is a consultant, not a personal valet or slave:

The foremost quality which Muslim men desire in a wife, after beauty and physical attractiveness, is that she be obedient and servile, and that she do their chores without being told e.g. ironing their clothes, cooking their meals, or doing the laundry.
However, it is a fact that there is a difference of opinion among Islamic scholars regarding whether it is obligatory or preferred (mustahab) for a wife to serve her husband. Majority declare it to be praiseworthy but not obligatory, even though most Muslim women happily do their household work themselves, without being asked.

The Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] did his personal chores himself, and we do not know of any ahadith in which his wives were known to serve him elaborately. Therefore, the good Muslim husband truly appreciates the work his wife does around the house. If she forgets something, he overlooks it and remains silent. He also consults her in important matters before making the final decision e.g. naming their children, changing his job, making an investment, going on a trip, having his family members move in, or in even small matters such as what she'd like to order for herself when they eat out at a restaurant. He never overlooks her say in these matters.

Take care of her during her pregnancy and breastfeeding:
Unmarried men usually have no idea of the tremendous physical pain that Allah has decreed for the daughters of Adam. They find this out after marriage, when they witness their wife going through monthly cramps, or the rigors of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. If nothing more, it should increase their respect for women in general.

However, some married Muslim men stay out late at night with friends, at clubs, restaurants, games or the movies, while their pregnant or newly-mother wife stays at home with the baby. They hand over the responsibility of taking care of her to their mothers or sisters. This behavior is inappropriate, and it will cause hatred to develop in the wife's heart.

The good Muslim husband offers extra moral and physical support to his wife during these difficult phases in her life. Don't feel your manly ego busted if you have to give the baby its bottle or pacify it, while your wife attends to an older child or her own genuine needs. The Muslim husband is a doting and hands-on father; and this attribute makes his wife love him even more!

Help her out in the household work:
Occasionally washing the dishes, vacuuming the carpets, making your own breakfast or tea (especially if your wife is asleep or not well), or cooking a simple meal will raise your status in your wife's eyes and increase love for you in her heart.

Contrary to what Asian culture dictates, a man doesn't become effeminate by doing household chores. He, in fact, becomes more manly and attractive to his spouse.

It goes without saying that chores such as getting groceries on the weekend, taking your wife to her doctor, fixing the faucet or mowing the lawn should also be taken care of by you.

Praise her small gestures or good traits openly, especially before your family:
It takes only three small words to give your wife a compliment, and it doesn't have to be every day, but it will have an enormous impact on your marital relationship. Those three words could be "This tastes delicious", or "You look good". Also, if you praise her within moderation in front of your family members, even if she is absent, this would be a sadaqah on your part. Just don't overdo it because too much praise has a negative effect.

Remember that your wife will age and her beauty will die:
Men have been programmed by Allah to desire beauty in women. However, a wise Muslim man knows that just like everything else in this world that glitters, the beauty of his wife (or of any other woman, for that matter), is temporary. Hence, he focuses more on her other important and more long-lasting good traits.

Allah says in the Qur'an:
"..and treat them (i.e. your wives) kindly; then if you hate them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it." [Qur'an - 4: 19]

Most men desire children; however, they soon witness that having children makes their wives' bodies lose their shape. A good Muslim husband therefore, reminds himself that beauty is of secondary importance, especially when the Shaytaan makes non-mahrum women appear more attractive to him. He reminds himself that the only permanent pleasure of beholding perpetually beautiful women is reserved for righteous people in Paradise, and its existence in the world is fleeting, and a deception of Shaytaan.

Do not look at other women:
It obviously follows that if you want to make your marriage a true success and a haven of love and mercy, you should obey the advice of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] in the ahadith below:

Jareer ibn ‘Abdullah said: "I asked the Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] about an accidental glance at a woman. He commanded me to turn my gaze away." [Al-Tirmidhi]

The Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said: "O Ali [his cousin], do not follow a glance with another, for you will be forgiven for the first, but not for the second." [Al-Tirmidhi: 2701]

Therefore, do not hang around men who stare at and pass comments on women's bodies, who have a string of women friends, or who regularly attend mixed parties. Keep all kinds of conversations with women to a basic minimum, either at work, or on the Internet, or on your cell phone. Be business-like when talking to them due to necessity.

Sound boring? Well, you can't be a good Muslim unless you train yourself to obey the Prophet [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], even if it goes against your base desires. And being a good Muslim husband can only be possible if you are a good Muslim first.

[TrueStranger]

cont.....

Do not use the Qur'an and ahadith to establish your authority:
It is very common for Muslim men to pointedly remind their wives in the first few days after marriage, of the Qur'anic verses and ahadith declaring their superiority and special rights over her. The most common reminders are: the husband's right to take up to four wives, without his wife's consent; the hadith that if prostration were permissible to other than Allah, the Muslim woman would be commanded to prostrate to her husband; the fact that Islam gives the husband the exclusive right to issue divorce verbally, call her for sexual intimacy at any inopportune time, or restrain her movement outside the house, even for visiting her blood relatives.

So many Muslim women I know were told by their husbands in the first month of marriage that they could only visit their parents for such-and-such number of days per month, and they could of course not work or study, even if they were involved in righteous Da'wah work or religious education, only once or twice a week.

What impact does this action - of reminding your wife of your superior rights - have on the innocent and well-meaning Muslim girl who has come to your house? What will she think of you, if you say these things to her? What does saying such things to her imply about you as a person? Definitely, that you, as a man, are insecure, and are using your Islamic rights in a feeble attempt to establish authority over her. A man who is self-confident and righteous will never use this inappropriate method to try to overshadow and dominate his wife. He doesn't feel insecure in his status as her husband; he does not think that the only way to "have her all to himself" is to trap her in his house, making her serve him all day like a personal valet.

Therefore, a good Muslim husband should never remind his wife of his higher status, unless she persistently disobeys him or does actions that are forbidden by Allah. The best way to make her obey you is to let her have everything she wants -- within Islamic limits of course -- and to focus on giving her, her rights, over and above what she deserves. She will then automatically become the devoted, faithful and obedient wife that you want her to be.

Your wife's adherence to religious obligations and her education are your responsibility:
After years of marriage, eventually a time comes when most Muslims husbands have no idea how their wives spend their days. It doesn't bother them to know that their bored wives gossip for hours on the phone, watch excessive movies and television, or waste time doing window shopping, attending ladies' lunches or tea-parties, or hip-hopping from the mall to the tailor to get new outfits made.

A good Muslim husband is aware that his wife's secular and religious education is his responsibility. He knows that Allah will question him about this, so he strives to make sure that his wife gains knowledge of the Qur'an and attends sermons, halaqah's, seminars or workshops for gaining knowledge of Islam. He also spends on her secular education, if she wants to pursue a degree.

It is imperative that the husband make his wife fulfill the obligations of Islam, by using gentle reminders and arranging her education about Islam. He should ensure that she performs the five daily prayers on time, fasts during Ramadan, pays the zakaah on her gold/silver/money, and wears modest clothing with hijab in front of men. She should also be taught how to recite the Qur'an properly, and trained in implementing the essential principles of Islamic character-building in the upbringing of her children.

Keep unnecessary jealousy in check:
A point to note is that being concerned about your wife's activities and pastimes does not justify spying on her or being unnecessarily suspicious, overbearing and nosy about her affairs. Let her have a productive and intellectual life during the day. Your job is to fulfill your responsibility of her religious character-building, but do this by dealing with her in the most beautiful manner.

It is of course, one of the lowest deeds, to suspect your wife of displaying her beauty or flirting with other men without any credible evidence. Pathological jealousy is a disease that destroys love between a husband and wife. Don't mix the praiseworthy "ghiyarah" [protectiveness from harm and from falling into sin] that Muslim men should possess about their families, with this poisonous jealousy. Remember that to slander a chaste woman in any way, is a grave sin that incurs Allah's wrath.

Maintain her privacy from your family:
Most husbands cannot afford separate accommodation during the first years of marriage, even though this is a right of the wife (especially if she comes from an affluent family), necessitating living with the husband's family in the same house for a few years.

A good Muslim husband should manage matters in such a way, by having diplomatic negotiations with everyone in the house, that his wife's privacy is maintained. This is especially important if his brothers, uncles, male cousins or male servants are dwelling freely within the house, frequenting the same kitchen and sitting room. Many families bring their daughter-in-law home after her marriage, without realizing that from now on, proper measures need to be observed in order to follow the Prophet Muhammad's [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] advice:

It was narrated from Uqbah Bin Amir [may Allah be pleased with him] that Allah's Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said, "Beware of entering upon women." A man from the Ansar said, "O Messenger of Allah! What about the in-law?" He said, "The in-law is death."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim]

This hadith implies how careful a Muslim husband should be about his male relatives entering upon his wife, especially in her private space (such as her bedroom). You as a husband, can ensure the following:

Ask your family to not enter your wife's room unless she approves e.g. when she's lying down, or if she has closed the door.
Ask your brothers not to hover outside her bedroom door.
No one should rummage through her cupboard or handbag unless she approves.
She should not be ‘deliberately' overheard when she's talking on the phone.
If she has gone somewhere with your permission, everyone else in the house needn't know where she's gone and for how long.
Her laundry should not be hung in a place where your male relatives can see her personal garments.
Sometimes, she should be allowed to eat her meals in privacy with you, where she will be comfortable. Note that scholars opine that the husband cannot force his wife to have all her meals with her in-laws. If she does so happily, it is praiseworthy and recommended.
Lastly, don't reveal her secrets or personal affairs to your family members. If they ask too many questions, make it politely clear that this kind of questioning behavior is not right.

Respect her family:
Never unnecessarily degrade or demean any of her relatives, by pointing out their faults or making fun of them. If someone from her family is being unreasonable, by interfering in your matters or intimidating her against you, you can intervene to stop this action. However, always be polite and respectful to them.

Don't stand by mutely if your family members oppress your wife:

The mother-in-law makes the heavily pregnant daughter-in-law cook the bread on the hot stove, while the husband sits at the dining table, waiting, along with the rest of the family. The sick daughter-in-law is made to bring in the heavy laundry load as she winces with pain, but the husband sits with his family watching TV. The aunt-in-law comes for a visit and constantly criticizes his wife's culinary skills in front of him, but he pretends he doesn't hear.
How often do we see this scenario in our joint family households? What should a good Muslim husband do?

He should quietly get up and help his wife, politely say something in her defense, or ask her to stop doing the work and take over himself. I guarantee that his family members might not like this action of his, and they will expect his wife to refuse his help, but the husband and wife should stick together as a team. Eventually the message will go across, and the in-laws will know that his wife is not their servant, but a member of the family who should be cared for.

Ditch the TV on weeknights:
The average Muslim husband spends more time giving his undivided attention to TV or his laptop than to his wife. Yes, wives nag. Yes, they are full of complaints when you return from work, and you'd rather unwind on the couch with your favorite TV show and a warm drink than with her "boring" monologue. However, keep in mind that this will have a detrimental effect on your own marriage. Marriage, like your career, needs your time, serious attention and work. It doesn't bloom and flourish on its own.

Ditching the TV entirely has had enormous positive impacts on households, and not all of them are Muslim. People have testified to becoming more productive after they chucked the TV out of their homes, finding more time for their families, themselves and for fun outdoor activities.

If you can't remove the TV from your home, at least move it out of your bedroom! You will see the positive impact of this on your marital relationship, insha'Allah. Also, if your household has several television sets, reduce them to just one, and keep it in the family room. Never have your meal while watching something on TV.

Steer away from both extravagance and miserliness:
It is not uncommon for husbands to give in to their wives' unnecessary demands -- expensive foreign vacations, clothes, jewelry, a new car or a bigger house. Some even go as far as to relinquish their own relatives financially, because their wife's demands are always first to be met. On the other extreme, we witness Muslim men who listen only to their parents about how to spend their money, and fulfill all the latter's demands, giving money to all far-flung family members, but keeping their wife and children in one small bedroom for years on end, providing them just the bare minimum in order to sustain their living.

The good Muslim husband pays his wife her dower (Mahr) in full, the morning after she has come to his home. He hands it over to her to spend as she wishes, not to her father or any other male relative. Also, he maintains a delicate balance in spending on his wife, children, parents and other relatives. He does not cave in to the unnecessary demands of any of them, and always fears Allah in ensuring that he fulfills the responsibility of adequately providing for all his family members.

Remember that the rib is bent:
Finally, the good Muslim husband should keep in mind that women of the world always come with their shortcomings - they are, at times, cranky, emotional, irrational, moody, sharp-tongued, gullible and prone to tattle. They have two hormones gushing in their bodies, as a result of which their moods and feelings swing between extremities like a pendulum. Put up with her irrational behavior - the unjust accusations, suspicion, complaining, crying, screaming, and shouting - for the sake of Allah. Remember that Allah made her that way - i.e. she's beautiful to behold; you can't do without her company; the house seems desolate when she leaves; but when she's with you, she will display her negative traits too. Be patient and overlook them.

Narrated Abu Hurairah [may Allah be pleased with him], Allah's Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said:
"Woman was created from a bent rib. If you want to enjoy her, you enjoy her while she is still bent. If you will try to straighten her, you will break her."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim]

http://www.howtodothings.com/religio...muslim-husband

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I Hope the brothers take time to read that ^^

- cOsMiC

[Qurratul Ayn]

^ Agreed 100%

Marriage is about teamwork, honesty, trust, respect and compromise.

It takes two to make the marriage work, and the two need to be strong and be there for each other. Always.

So, everyone, take notes and Insha'Allaah y'all shall have a successful and long marriage!

Make Du'a and may Allaah Ta'ala help us in all our endeavours.

:salamext:

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

I wanted to point these two out in particular.

Allah says in the Qur'an:
"..and treat them (i.e. your wives) kindly; then if you hate them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it." [Qur'an - 4: 19]

^^^ This speaks for itself, however I felt it deserved to be highlighted and pondered upon.

As for this hadith, I wanted to take a closer look at it and share the different narrations:

Narrated by

Abu Hurairah [may Allah be pleased with him], Allah's Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said:
"Woman was created from a bent rib. If you want to enjoy her, you enjoy her while she is still bent. If you will try to straighten her, you will break her."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari, Sahih Muslim]

Abu Hurairah (ra) relates that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: Treat women kindly. Woman has been created from a rib and the most crooked part of the rib is the uppermost. f you try to straighten it, you will break it and if you leave it, alone, it will remain crooked. So treat women kindly.(Bukhari and Muslim)

Another version is: A woman is like a rib; if you try and straighten it, you will break it and i you wish to draw benefit from it, you can do so despite its crookedness.

Another version is: Woman has been created from a rib and you cannot straighten her. If you wish to draw benefit from her, do so despite its crookedness. If you try to straighten her, you will break her and breaking her means divorcing her.

For Hawa and all women their position in marriage is also clarified by the fact hat the rib was taken from Adam's ide. The natural position of women, as wives, is to be at their husbands' side, to fit in with them while associating with them, and just as a man's rib, as part of his body, is subjected to and obedient to the man's will, so too must all"righteous women [be] devoutly (to their husbands), and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard" (S. 4:34).

To be a wife and a mother is no easy task and so Hawa and all women had to be especially equipped. Women have been given a greater intensity of emotions thus enabling them to be constant as a helper: always giving, caring to a fault - with her husband and children she sometimes shows them undeserved kindness, daring to pass through the doors of pain again and again ...

http://www.islamawareness.net/Adam/adam.html

The article posted says this:

Put up with her irrational behavior - the unjust accusations, suspicion, complaining, crying, screaming, and shouting - for the sake of Allah. Remember that Allah made her that way - i.e. she's beautiful to behold; you can't do without her company; the house seems desolate when she leaves; but when she's with you, she will display her negative traits too. Be patient and overlook them.

Which I don't particularly agree with, hormones are no excuse to behave like a wild banshee ie: crying screaming and shouting, suspecting and *complaining*. Part of being obedient is learning how to control this aspect of ourselves as women, and all of that isn't pleasant for the husband to put up with after being out X amount of hours providing for us. It's a two way street of course, brothers should be understanding as well. There's ar eason why we are more emotional, it is not a flaw, itis necessary in order to deal with family and a household. However ask a brother to "put up with it"? If you want Jannah for your wife as you want for yourself, you will help her control this not just put up with it. This thread started off with the hadith regarding women filling most of hellfire, and the above are the reasons why it will be this way. Something to keep in mind.


- cOsMiC

[sofiap]

hmmmm....i find its truly insulting that we often where ever we turn always,that women are 'attacked' first....im afraid i can say much about men who are lacking much in the responsibilities..Allaah reminds us in the Quran who are the burning fuel for hell..not women..but men and jins..this does not mean its mostly just men or mostly women..Allaah does not clarify the gender..that we leave to the One who KNows...we a really should be careful in what is being said on behalf of Allah as Allaah has not made it clear,but as this is for 'BOTH' spouses,i only agree on things if it contradicts the Quran...these type of methods promote much problems for ladies and their rights being ignored by men and women alike..give examples of how to lead good marriages...positive re enforcements..i hope brothers can adapt a much better attitude,as you are the future husbands...thankyou..

[ardianto]

The good wife is a wife who never asks her rights. The good husband is a husband who always give his wife rights without she asked for it.

[ardianto]

hmmmm....i find its truly insulting that we often where ever we turn always,that women are 'attacked' first....im afraid i can say much about men who are lacking much in the responsibilities..Allaah reminds us in the Quran who are the burning fuel for hell..not women..but men and jins..this does not mean its mostly just men or mostly women..Allaah does not clarify the gender..that we leave to the One who KNows...we a really should be careful in what is being said on behalf of Allah as Allaah has not made it clear,but as this is for 'BOTH' spouses,i only agree on things if it contradicts the Quran...these type of methods promote much problems for ladies and their rights being ignored by men and women alike..give examples of how to lead good marriages...positive re enforcements..i hope brothers can adapt a much better attitude,as you are the future husbands...thankyou..

Calm down sister, calm down. If Muslim women are 'attacked', it's actually not because Islam, but because culture.

If you can, visit Indonesia, Malaysia, or Brunei. Talk with sisters there, talk with ulama there, see the reality. So you will find the truth that Islam does not oppress women, but some Muslims in some places use Islam to legitimate their oppression toward women.

I have read the daleel that they use as legitimation to oppress women, and I wonder, did they misinterpret, or they 'twist' Qur'an and sunnah intentionally?.

[sofiap]

loool..yes brother, i am speaking as a muslimah..i know islam doesn't oppress women...masha Allaah.. Allaah is the MOst just to All His CReation...yes the knowledge has been twisted...and culture is deep rooted, many like to live in a false sense of what is going around them, but where islam is concerned not just as a woman but as one who is a muslim it upsets me,as i know what is going on and im speak and know many ladies who are in this fortunate position,and the mis abuse of knowledge and false ideologies have taken place...yes this is the Allaahs religion...we really need to look at issues and solve them by not facing the other way...we all will be accountable for what we have done,seen,my part is to speak up about the reality of the state of reality...for someone not to know about the main basics of how to respect and treat your spouse,as w ehave to understand some men are also a victims, may Allaah give us courage to bring His Truth out and apply them..and everyone should always read up themselves of what they are being told[knowledge and not blind follow]

[ardianto]

Is there husband who afraid of his wife in Pakistan/India, and Arabia?

Husbands who afraid of their wives is one of popular joke in South East Asia and Far East, because people like this are really exist. I know few of them. ;D

[Signor]

It was the Holy Prophet (SAAWS) & Sahaba(R.A) who for the first time made the world alive to the rights due to women whereunder they should be accorded nice treatment.

But consort with them in kindness {4:19}

Almighty Allah has addressed all Muslims, commanding them to behave, and consort with women in kindness;associate with them in life with goodwill and sympathy and never give them trouble.The Holy Prophet(SAAWS) & Sahaba(R.A) has explained this verse by his words and practice. He(SAAWS) & Sahaba(R.A) gave such importance to the need of showing misbehaviour to women that he is reported to have said in a Tradition:

The best of you are those who behave well with their women and I am best of you in behaving well with my women. (Tirmidhi - Chapter on right of a women over her husband.Tradition No 1172)

[SiiDRA]

As-Salamu Alaykum,

In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful.

Marriage in Islam is a contract (Nikaah) between the husband and the wife outlining the basic responsibilities and regulations within the couples relationship. In Islam it is advised to have at least two witnesses present during the contract (Nikaah)

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali and two witnesses of good character". Narrated by al-Bayhaqi from the hadeeth of ‘Imraan and ‘Aa’ishah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 7557

Marriage in Islam holds good values and helps men and women to control their sexual desires towards the opposite sex. Islam recognizes the value of sex and companionship and advocates marriage as the foundation for families. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said:"Marriage is my Sunnah (teachings of the Prophet) and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not my true follower" (Ibn Haiah, Babun Nikah).

You can tell from the Hadeeth above the importance of a Muslim individual to get married in Islam.

As you must have heard about the love of Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) towards his first wife Bibi Khadija (ra). Let me start by telling you some facts about Bibi Khadija (ra).

She was known as one of the most noble and had a superior status amongst those around those times. She was the most respected lady and known for her decency and wisdom. In spite all of this she was also the wealthiest lady in Makkah, Even before she became a Muslim she never worshipped an idol.

Allah selected to accompany the Prophet in his struggle to carry on the message at its most vulnerable stages. Khadijah, whose name in Quraish was “the pure woman” married the man whose name was “the honest and trustworthy” What a perfect match ...

The year that Bibi Khadija (ra) had passed away, the campanions called that year 'The year of grief'. The love of Bibi Khadija (ra) stayed in the Prophets (pbuh) heart. Many years later, he would be sitting with Aisha when someone knocks on the door and a voice asks for permission to enter. The Prophet said: 'Khadijah' and hastened to open saying 'Oh Allah, make it Haala' (Khadija’s sister) and it was Haala.

And when he sacrificed animals, he used to send gifts to Khadijah’s friends, so much that Aisha got jealous and said: Khadijah, as if the whole world is only Khadijah. The Prophet said (in its meaning):'Aisha, don’t speak badly about Khadijah, I love her and I will love whoever loves her.'

Another day, when the Muslims captured the Prophet’s son in law, Al-Aas ib Al-Rabei, who was not a Muslim and was fighting against him in Badr, his wife Zainab (the Prophet’s daughter) wanted to ransom him. She sent him Khadijah’s necklace and when the Prophet saw it he recognized it and sobbed. Then he said to his companions (in its meaning): 'if you see it fit to give her back her prisoner and her necklace, do.' The companions were moved by the Prophet’s grief and agreed. He gave the necklace back to the man and said (in its meaning) 'take the necklace back to Zainab and tell her to keep Khadijah’s necklace safe".

As you can tell that the prophet loved his first wife so much, that he would get tears over seeing her things.

It is explained in the Quran that you can marry up to 4 women, only if you treat them well and equal. If not it is considered a sin. Also you may marry who you choose but then again there are ways of explaining it to your parents and having their agreement to the marriage.

And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan-girls, then marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice. An-Nisa Verse No:3

Having said that, I have heard many stories about force marriages and arranged. I am no one to decide any ones future and nor are you. Allah knows best ! As Islam describes marriages to be a control over sexual desires, do you not think it would be in every ones best to let the girl/boy to choose or agree on their future partner .. then again Allah knows best ...


The responsibilities of both the husband and wife are:

- The wife should seek to be a source of calm and rest for her husband
- Husband and wife must seek to sexually fulfil each other whenever needed in order to remove that need or want from one another, in this way can they help one another.
- The wife should be receptive to her husband and his needs, and the husband should remember Allah to purify his mind before intercourse.
- The husband must live with his wife in a correct and courteous manner
- Women are required to be devoutly obedient to their husbands
- Both husband and wife should cover each other like a cloth and honour each other
- The husband should show his affections and his love to his wife and the same for the wife

And many more ....

May Allah Guide Us To His Jannah

Ameen

[muslimah bird]

Thanks for sharing this , Sister Siidra

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

:threadmrg