format_quote Originally Posted by
anonymous
Assalamu Aleykum,
I'm a student and wanted some advice from brothers and sisters on the hardship I am facing right now.
I was in a long-term relationship (with marriage intentions) with someone who I grew to love very much - I was aware deep down that this wasn't the right way to go about the situation, but I became too attached and grudgingly allowed myself to continue (which I'm aware, is completely my fault.)
After a long time, our relationship broke down, and not long after this I found out that he was now in a relationship with someone else (who was someone I thought of as my friend.)
Since finding out about this, I have been completely emotionally torn - I know this may be a way of Allah punishing me for my sins, but I am desperately in need of some advice, please. I have been praying endlessly for forgiveness and for emotional-healing. I don't understand how I can be feeling like this at such a young age, I find it difficult to even describe this emotion. I'm aware that this is completely a consequence of my own faults, and this experience has undoubtably been a "wake-up call" for me and brought me much closer to Allah, Elhamdulillah. But I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night for about a year - my feelings for this person are still very deep and I can't seem to get over the feeling of betrayal - yet even the betrayal doesn't stop my feelings for this person.
This has also caused me to become an extremely jealous and hateful person against this old "friend" who he is now with. I know these ugly emotions shouldn't be, and aren't a part of Islam, but I can't seem to prevent my growing hate, which is unhealthy. I need to forgive and let this go, but it all seems too much - I have never done anything to hurt this sister, yet she's done this to me, I can't help but feel that I don't deserve this, and just can't bring myself to ever forgive her or get over my growing hatred.
If any brothers or sisters have any advice on what I can do, I'd extremely appreciate it.
Ma'assalama
:sl:
Unfortunately it is very common nowadays to see our brothers and sisters involving themselves in pre-marital relationships. This is because many of us live in societies where free mixing and intermingling of the sexes is seen as the norm. Free mixing occurs in many situations and circumstances such as in educational establishments, workplaces, and shopping malls but now there are other newer avenues that have opened up over the last few years mainly on the internet from chatrooms, the boom in social networking sites and "Muslim matrimonial" websites or as i like to call them "Muslim dating websites". All of these avenues have resulted in the fact that it is now easier than ever before for men and women to mix, intermingle and get introduced to one another consequantly resulting in a rapid increase in pre-marital relationships.
Pre-marital relationships doomed to fail from the beginning
It is no surprise then that the majority of these pre-marital relationships end very badly and are the cause of utter pain, hurt and anguish for those involved. This is because the couple lived in their own little world or bubble for a while and made so many dreams together of what it would be like in the future. Much of the time one or both involved never see themselves with anyone else but who they are with at the time but when things end then it results in their whole world crashing down and can cause utter devastation and even suicidal thoughts.
Such relationshiops are doomed to fail from the beginning. This is because a pre-marital relationship goes against the commands of Allah and they are the cause of the anger and wrath of our lord Almighty. Surely there can never be any good in that which angers and displeases Allah. Therefore such relationships are deviod of any peace or blessings and that is why they are rocky throughout and usually end in devastation for those involved. Remember that shaythan is the third person in such relationships.
Utter pain and anguish
These failed relationships will inevitabley leave those involved feeling utterly devastated and even suicidal. They will feel like their whole world has come crashing down and that they do not wish to carry on anymore. This is because they gave that person their all. They gave them their heart and they had all their dreams with that person. But the reality is that this was the biggest mistake one can make. One should NEVER give themselves, or their heart to ANYONE but their married partner. Surely those involved do then realise what a mistake it was but the saddest thing of all is that they usually make the same mistake again and again. Some even go through a handful of partners before they marry the person destined for them. This is the sad reality of some people but they should fear Allah and learn from their mistakes the first time around. They should see the fact that Allah is trying to make them realise their mistakes as a blessing and they should NEVER even imagine doing such an act again for they are committing such a major sin giving themself to someone who is not legitamate for them.
Learn from your mistakes and NEVER repeat them again
The past is the past. NOTHING you do can change that now. We all wish we could get into a time machine and go back in time and do things differently again. But there is NO point thinking or regretting that which has already happened. What has happened has happened and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. What we can do is to learn from our mistakes and make sure we NEVER repeat them again.
Life is such that we have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. We learn from our failures NOT our successes. If we all succeeded in life then how will we ever become better people? How will we ever grow as individuals if we never make mistakes?
So you need to think to yourself, realise and accept the fact that if you followed and obeyed Allah and remained within the boundaries of islam then none of this would have happened to you. Therefore accept and see this as a huge error on your part that you have made in your life in that you fell for someone outside of marriage. Islam aims to protect us from ever getting hurt in such situations. It helps us to save our dignity and keep chaste, But if we go outside of the boundaries of Islam then we are putting ourselves in great danger and we are therefore vulnerable to attack from the wolf (shaythan). So it is best to keep withing the boundaries of Islam in ALL matters so that we safeguard ourselves against danger.
As humans think we know what is best for us but the fact is we clearly do not and we are decieving ourselves if we think we do! ONLY our creator Almighty Allah knows what is best for his creations. That is why free mixing and interactions between a man and a women is restricted so much for he created us to have carnal desires and to be weak. So if we put ourselves into dangerous situations then surely we will end up falling into a bottomless pit where we will find it extremely difficult to get out of. Therefore we must fear Allah and do EVERYTHING in our daily lives in order to please him and refrain from ANYTHING which angers or displeases him!
Advice on how to get through the pain, hurt and anguish of a premarital relationship
1. Accept what has happened now and also accept that it has only happened because you chose to get into a relationship outside of marriage even though you knew it was wrong. Therefore you have disobeyed Allah. So accept that you were in the wrong but that you have fallen into error and that you have now learnt from this mistake and as a result you have become a MUCH better and wiser person because of it. Accept that we learn from our failures and NOT our successes!
2. Once you have accepted that it was your own fault and that you could easily have decided not to get into it, then you must also accept that the relationship failed to get to marriage because it was not destined to. Whatever will happen in your life will ONLY happen if it is decreed or destined to happen. So therefore it is clear that this relationship never was destined or decreed to get to marriage and that is why it ended before marriage.
Therefore accept that whatever Allah decrees for you is the best for you whether you like it or not because we as humans know not what is best for us. Maybe Allah saved you from a life of misery. Maybe if you married each other you would have had a terrible life or it would have ended in divorce.
3. Once you have accepted that this was the consequances of your own choices that you made and that it was not in your destiny or decree to be with that person because whatever is decreed in our lives is the best for us then you must try now move forward with your life because there is NO point thinking or regretting the past. You CANNOT change what has happened but all you can do is learn from it and move on. Do NOT waste anymore precious time that you have already wasted thinking about the past.
Remember: Death will not wait for anyone and it will come when it is destined for you which could be at ANY second. Therefore do NOT waste anymore of your precious time. Save the few seconds and breaths of your life that you have left and use it to worship Allah. Surely that is the purpose of your life and creation. You have already disobeyed Allah and angered him enough but for you to waste more time regretting the past will ONLY be of detriment to you because we ONLY have one chance in this life and our one chance is solwly going away and can end at ANY second. If you continuously waste more time on something which was never decreed for you then surely you will regret it forever if not in this life then definatley the next!
4. Make the necessery mental changes in your mind. Internalise in your mind that you have made a huge error and that you have already wasted enough time already and that there is NO point in thinking about or regretting the past and that you will now have a whole new fresh new start to your life. You can have this fresh start in your life by doing the following:
Firstly changing your number/s. Change your e mail address/es. Get rid of any social networks that you are on. Get rid of any pictures of him/her or any present or gifts that he/she gave you. Very importantly get rid of ANYTHING that reminds you of him/her.
Now Internalise in your mind that you want to make a whole new fresh start with your life and that you have no time to waste and that you want to move on and progress. Internalise that you will NOT go backwards anymore but that you will move forward from now on. Internalise that that your death is very near and that you cannot and will not waste anymore time on that which was not meant for you. Accept and realise that Allah has something better in store for you. If you don't know it now then you will realise it later!
5. Time is the best healer. Once you have taken all these steps then be patient and let time heal your heart. The way you think will affect the speed of your recovery. You need to get your heart to accept the above 4 steps and once you have then your recovery will be quicker. Turn towards Allah and put your FULL trust, faith, hopes and reliance in him and your heart will be filled with the love of Allah!
6. You need to focus your mind on the purpose of your life. Allah did not create you to follow your own desires in life but he created you for one purpose and ONLY one purpose and that is to worship him. So your new focus in life is to please Allah and ydo everything to make him the happiest. You should strive to do EVERYTHING you can to get closer to him and to please him. You should also realise that Allah ONLY wants what is best for you and he took you out of this relationship because he loves you and wanted to save you from harm. He took you from this person because he has someone better in store for you! Who will truly love and care for you and be there for you and best of all will help you on your journey to Paradise.
So look for a pious person who is practisiong and most of all fears Allah. Make sure this person does NOT want to go about marriage in the wrong way for they would ONLY go about marriage in the right manner because they fear Allah. NEVER settle for anyone who wants a relationship or "get to know you" before marriage because this is just an invitation to get into another relationship. This is then a sign this person is not right for you. So look for a god fearing partner and go about it in the right manner and know that Allah will bless your pursuit for marriage and he will give you peace and happiness in your married lives.
Conclusion
Hope my advice has helped in some way. Know that Allah took you out of this situation because he loves you and ONLY wants goodness for you. He is wanting you to be closer to him, so will you not take a small step towards Allah that he may take a huge step towards you? So desire to be closer to Allah and try your best to do EVERYTHING to please him. Continue to repent sincerely with remorse and firm resolve NEVER to repeat such an error again. Ask of Allah to help you through this hard and difficult time and for him to heal your heart and fill it with his love and rememrance. Rememebr the more you remember and glorify Allah in your heart the quicker your heart will heal. Always share your deepest inner feelings and thoughts with Allah and know that he knows you better than you know yourself.
Strive to be closer to Allah in establishing all of your fard obligations to him. NEVER miss a prayer for it is the purpose of your life and the first thing we will be questioned on in the hereafter. There is NOTHING better in life than the Salaah. A person who misses just one Salaah is out of the fold of Islam and many scholars even say that person has entered kufr (disbelief). This is because the Salaah is the most important and best of all worship. Therefore we MUST not miss another prayer and we must make firm intention that we will fulfill all of our fard prayers from now on.
We should also pray our nawafil because they will help us in the grave and in the hereafter for we are in need of every single good deed because in the day of judgement we will beg each other for one good deed but none will give us any not evern our our mothers! We should recite much of the Qur'an along with its meanings to understand what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. Knowledge is the most important of all as it gives us a deeper understanding of our purpose in life and it will also help us get closer to Allah. Therefore from now on learn as much about Islam as possible. You can do this by joining online Islamic courses or local courses at the Masjid or community centre. Or you can get good Islamic books recommended by a knowledgable person. Get a greed for knowlede and try your best to act upon everything you learn and to share it with others as this is what will truly benefit a person who is learning knowledge of Islam.
A sister should try and join a local sisters Islamic circle and involve herrself in Islamic events, activities and to spend some of her time with good, knowledgable and pious sisters. A brother should also join local Islamic groups for brothers either in the lcoal Masjids or community centres. He should involve himself with good, pious and knowledgeable brothers. Remember it is extremely important that we choose carefully who we keep as friends. We must NEVER keep the immoral and those who openly sin as friends. We should not keep as friends those who backchat, slander, gossip and the worse are the two faced people. Such company we is poison for us and such friends will backstab us on the day of judgement.
Most of all serve your parents as much as possible for they ONLY want the best for you and serving ones parents is of the BEST of ALL deeds. NEVER even raise your voice to your parents for they have been given the highest status by Allah, The way we treat our parents is how our parents will treat us. Therefore treat your parents the best and if shaythan tries to create enmity in your heart that seek refuge with Allah for shaythan is your eternal enemy and only wants you to be destroyed. He wants you to waste your time and life over the past and does NOT want you to move on. He wants to prevent you from progressing in life and in your deen. He does not want you to go towards Allah so will you not reject your sworn enemy?
So let now be the start of a whole new chapter in your life where you can progress and move forward gradually. There is no time to waste for there will be occassions where you will find it hard but with Allah you will find peace and contentment but with shaythan all you will find is misery and discontent. Therefore if you want your heart to get healed quick then go towards Allah and strive to please him and make him the happiest. Ask of him to help you through this and in every aspect of your life. Repent to him always and ask of him to heal your heart. If you put your FULL faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah then you will find this is enough for you and your heart will heal and be replaced with the love for Allah and his messenger.
So make the best of each precious second in this most blessed month to get closer to Allah because he wants you closer to him. Subhaanallah! He is giving you this opportunity to be closer to him so will you not take it? Will you not grab this opportunity? So trust in him and put your FULL reliance in him. Know that he listens to your prayers and is closer to you than your jugular vein.
The past is the past so do NOT let a mistake from your past afect you now and in the future. Strive to be as close to Allah as possible and put ALL of your faith and trust in him. If he is your protector then nothing can ever harm you.
So let us spend each precious remaining second in this blessed month worship, asking and begging of Allah for forgiveness and his mercy. Striving to get closer to him through worship and prayer. Our hearts are softened in this precious month so what better chance for us to purify our hearts further and soften it with his remembrance.
This short life is our ONLY chance to put the fear of Allah into our hearts and to live our lives ONLY to please Allah and invest in the hereafter which is our final destination. How long are we in this world? VERY short while. How long is the hereafter? FOREVER! Therefore we should spend as much of our little time as possible investing into the hereafter by doing everything possible to please Allah and refraining from anything which angers or displeases him.
I pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Ameen
Here are some very beneficial lectures to help you get closer to Allah and realise your purpose in life:
This Could Change Your Life Forever!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc
Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ
Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA
HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U
Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc
Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE
Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo
How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg