My wife does not want my other children to visit me

[Legolas]

Hi,
I reverted to Islam (born Catholic) and was married to an Italian wife. In the year 1998 she left me and I had to take care of my 2 daughters aged 3 and 5 years.

After a few years I met my present wife who is Libyan nationality. I got a marriage annulment and I married my present wife and a year before I had reverted to Islam. My present wife had also helped me raise my two daughters for about 2 years. She was very good with them. Later on in life both my daughters went to live with their Italian mother in Italy. In the meantime my present wife and I had 2 lovely boys and they are now aged 5 and 7 years.

My 17 year old daughter is planning to visit the country where she was born. She wishes to see me and her cousins and family.

My wife is giving a hard time and she is telling me that she does not want her in the house!!!! She raises her voice and threatens me to leave me if I let my daughter come.
She is saying all sorts of things that my daughters are western and they have sex before marriage, she says that she does not want to be a maid for my daughter and now Ramadan is coming and she will not want to cook and stuff.

Note: My daughter is passing through a difficult phase, maybe she is suffering the trauma of the past separation and she might be anorexic. She already went to hospital twice. This rejection from my wife will surely not help her confidence.My daughter expressed the wish to come down with her boy friend to visit me. Her boyfriend has helped her a lot and is her best friend.

I told my daughter that she has to follow some rules in the house when she is with her boyfriend and she agreed.


Does Islam support my wife in her decision? Or she is doing a bad thing?

[Snowflake]

Certain aspects of your problem can only be answered by a scholar. Why not both of you see one together, so that you can both be sure of your rights and duties. It'll save you both from further disputes in the future.

[Abz2000]

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb brother,
The ruling part, as sister snowflake rightly said, is best to ask a scholar.
But there are some points which your wife has that are worthy of respect,
Firstly, you have two young believing children and it won't be a good example for them to see someone older than them coming with an un-married "mate".
Secondly, Ramadan is a month of piety and getting spiritually and physically closer to your creator.
And unmarried couple who are not fasting can rip out a huge chunk of that taqwa from others.
So much so that you don't even feel that nearness to and presence of God.
With one family already torn apart, would you risk another especially when the wife has good and decent reasons?

And if the boyfriend loves and cares for her that much, it doesn't seem like it should be a difficult task for him to marry her if he's really sincere.

The legal ruling is important, but it is also something to reflect on personally since she is not forcing you but is willing to separate herself for her strong convictions.

May Allah make it easy for you.
Peace,
Your brother Abz

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


if u allow ur daugher with her boyfriend , it will be unIslamic and will be considered as a sin. As bro suggessted , they can marry and then u will have every right to welcome them .


U may give her expenses if she needs treatment but u must not support her unethicla relationship , it's not her right over u .

And Allah Knows Best.

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[Hulk]

Tell your wife that as a father it is your responsibility to take care of your child. If the boyfriend comes make sure you are supervising. Don't be harsh to anyone, keeping your patience is very important. There is certainly the right way of how things should be but I believe it should be a gradual progress towards it rather than you just legislating stuff. So you gotta do it right!

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

. If the boyfriend comes make sure you are supervising.!

allow her boyfriend to come and stay with her and then supervise what ???? I don't understand . Can u pl. explain ?

why boyfriend needs to come ? If she can't travel alone , then father may go to her and take her home or arrange any Muharim .

[Hulk]

Wa alaykum salam

allow her boyfriend to come and stay with her and then supervise what ???? I don't understand . Can u pl. explain ?

why boyfriend needs to come ? If she can't travel alone , then father may go to her and take her home or arrange any Muharim .

Of course it would be better if the boyfriend isn't in the picture at all but legolas mentioned about the boyfriend so I think it should be taken into consideration in how to handle the situation, if he prevents him from coming or her from seeing him then it is likely that she will see him behind his back in which case he will have no control over.

By supervise I mean he should be present when the boyfriend is around. It can also give him a chance to see what kind of person the boy is.

If the daughter is obedient then I think it should be fine to explain to her that it is not good to be having such relationships, but I doubt that is the case so I think it would be better to be subtle but gradual.

[Legolas]

Wa alaykum salam


Of course it would be better if the boyfriend isn't in the picture at all but legolas mentioned about the boyfriend so I think it should be taken into consideration in how to handle the situation, if he prevents him from coming or her from seeing him then it is likely that she will see him behind his back in which case he will have no control over.

By supervise I mean he should be present when the boyfriend is around. It can also give him a chance to see what kind of person the boy is.

If the daughter is obedient then I think it should be fine to explain to her that it is not good to be having such relationships, but I doubt that is the case so I think it would be better to be subtle but gradual.

I thank you all for your time to look and answer.

I am more on the reasoning with Hulk. 2 years ago my elder daughter came with her boyfriend and everything was fine so I do not see anything differnt for my younger daughter.

By excepting her boyfriend into my house with her and laying down the rules of for example, no kissing, no physical contact of any sort, separate rooms and never together alone etc, etc....... I am sure that she will open her trust towards me more. Don't forget that I only see her once a year and I would like to get close to her and fulfill me responsability as a father of getting to know his children from the inside and not just as a father image on the outside.
As Hulk said, it will give me a chance to see what kind of person he is and his reasonings and his feelings towards my daughter.

It will also give a chance to her boyfriend and also my daughter to spend time with Muslims and also witness the dedication good Muslims have towards the Holy month of Ramadan in regards to fasting. Don't forget that western people are ignorant towards the understanding of Islam and by watching me and my family it might put a different pespective into my daughter and her boyfriend.

The problem is that my wife does not want to except out-right both of them into my house!!! I would understand that Muslims are suppose to be gentle and welcoming even to Catholics.

[Legolas]

:sl:


if u allow ur daugher with her boyfriend , it will be unIslamic and will be considered as a sin. As bro suggessted , they can marry and then u will have every right to welcome them .


U may give her expenses if she needs treatment but u must not support her unethicla relationship , it's not her right over u .

And Allah Knows Best.

Thank you for your time to answer.

I was a Catholic and I reverted to Islam and I am a Muslim. Nothing can damage my faith because as a Muslim I feel a powerful protection from God and I am not afraid. Maybe that my daughter and her boyfriend being in the presence of good Muslims will come to understand the goodness to believe and respect God.

I live in a Catholic country and many Cathoilcs are distant from God and have no time to believe. I have to confess that my two daughters, just like many other youths, have lost their believe for God and His existence.

Therefore I believe that by bringing them into a house where they can see practicing Muslims and a believe and respect towards God, it will only do good.

[Legolas]

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb brother,
The ruling part, as sister snowflake rightly said, is best to ask a scholar.
But there are some points which your wife has that are worthy of respect,
Firstly, you have two young believing children and it won't be a good example for them to see someone older than them coming with an un-married "mate".
Secondly, Ramadan is a month of piety and getting spiritually and physically closer to your creator.
And unmarried couple who are not fasting can rip out a huge chunk of that taqwa from others.
So much so that you don't even feel that nearness to and presence of God.
With one family already torn apart, would you risk another especially when the wife has good and decent reasons?

And if the boyfriend loves and cares for her that much, it doesn't seem like it should be a difficult task for him to marry her if he's really sincere.

The legal ruling is important, but it is also something to reflect on personally since she is not forcing you but is willing to separate herself for her strong convictions.

May Allah make it easy for you.
Peace,
Your brother Abz

Thank you for your time to answer
As I said, nothing will tear or rip a true Muslim. Since I reverted to Islam, I feel a stronger and more powerful connection to God than when I was a Catholic. The Islamic religion has given me the true word of God and has shown me how Merciful He is.

My daughter and her boyfriend are only in their teens and I would never suggest for her to get married now. If she has to marry it has to be because she believes and because she truly loves. She still has to mature to achieve these.

[Snowflake]

Legolas: By excepting her boyfriend into my house with her and laying down the rules of for example, no kissing, no physical contact of any sort, separate rooms and never together alone etc, etc....... I am sure that she will open her trust towards me more.

:sl: You're right that muslims are supposed to be gentle to other people whatever their faith. But that could include being gentle in saying 'No' to something that one cannot accept. In no way does it mean making one's own life difficult. A wife is entitled to feel comfortable in her own home, to not be burdened and placed under hardships. In fact her rights go as far as asking for separate accommodation if she is not happy living with the husband's family.

Islam has not made it obligatory for the wife to cook for her husband, and a husband can only demand from her what Islam has made obligatory upon her, like praying, observing hijab and other obligatory acts. And basically, it's your duty to be there for your daughter, not your wife's.

I fear that by sticking to your guns out of your own desire and not be Islamic rulings, you will cause unnecessary distress and unhappiness to your wife, and dare I say shake up your marriage. We are not qualified to give the nitty gritty on such matters. So I sincerely urge you to consult an imam and go by his advice alone.

[Hulk]

Apologies I didn't know that the boyfriend was staying over if that is the case I hope you are very careful as teenagers can be pretty sneaky! I have a younger sister and one time our family were at our second home in a foreign country and her male friend(from that country) wanted to stay over as it was late (we had a bbq event that lasted till late). I didn't let him stay because I didn't trust that they wouldn't meet each other while I was asleep. So I gave him some money to take a cab and he went off. (I admit I was angry because I was only asked about it late at night which is like sort of forcing me to accept him to stay because it is hard to find a cab).

Whatever it is I hope you handle the situation well and also make sure that you ask your wife for opinions I think she would appreciate you asking, :statisfie

[Legolas]

:sl: You're right that muslims are supposed to be gentle to other people whatever their faith. But that could include being gentle in saying 'No' to something that one cannot accept. In no way does it mean making one's own life difficult. A wife is entitled to feel comfortable in her own home, to not be burdened and placed under hardships. In fact her rights go as far as asking for separate accommodation if she is not happy living with the husband's family.

Islam has not made it obligatory for the wife to cook for her husband, and a husband can only demand from her what Islam has made obligatory upon her, like praying, observing hijab and other obligatory acts. And basically, it's your duty to be there for your daughter, not your wife's.

I fear that by sticking to your guns out of your own desire and not be Islamic rulings, you will cause unnecessary distress and unhappiness to your wife, and dare I say shake up your marriage. We are not qualified to give the nitty gritty on such matters. So I sincerely urge you to consult an imam and go by his advice alone.

I don't think that a daughter of her husband and her boyfriend will be a burden and place hardship for a month holiday!! What hardship and burden can it cause for my wife?.....I wash the clothes of my family since we got married and I will ask my daughter to wash her own clothes. It is true it will be Ramadan but I'm sure my daughter can cook a plate of pasta and my wife can lend a hand to a bit of cooking..... it's called helping. My daughter can also clean her room and clean the bathroom (which is separate from ours) and my wife will have no hardship at all.

What I'm saying is why is my wife demanding me not to get my daughter and her boyfriend! Where are my rights? I'm asking for my wife to be receptive just for a month of this year! Can it be so difficult?????


My believe of a marriage is to give and take. Where is my wife giving? I will let you know that my wife is the dominant participant of the family and numerous times I shut my mouth and say yes not to anger her and argue.

You said it's my duty to be there for my daughter and not my wife's...... how can I be there if my wife will not let her enter in my house? Do I spend my family's money and book a hotel? Do I go to Italy myself? My wife has forbidden me to talk or to go near my X-wife (which I fully agree), so going to Italy myself is out of the question. My daughter has to come here. And after all she would like to see her birth place once a year and meet her cousins..... why does my wife, a good Muslim, is denying this moment for my daughter?

We are talking for a month not 1 year. Is a sacrifice so big for a good Muslim to do?

[جوري]

I think you answered your own question then while airing out family laundry which in my humble view wasn't necessary especially that your wife isn't not here to defend her position or share her points of view.
Does it not bother you (even as a former catholic) that your daughter is bringing a man into your house which you know she's sleeping with (outside of marriage) when you have young impressionable boys? It is your house after all so do what you wish it isn't up to any of us to tell you or her what to do but sure how many observing Christians/Jews/Muslims or anything in between who would prefer vice over virtue. I don't think anyone would have a problem seeing things from your point of view is she were a married 17 year old as opposed to what it comes across...

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


her boyfriend is a non Muhram to your wife . It will be a burden on her to maintain hijab inside the home in front of male guest .

Also there is a risk that your daughter may mix with him freely when u are not at res. If u don't want her getting married now , why u want to allow him to come with her ?



Why he must come with her ? If he wants to see how Muslims live , arrange his stay at any mosque or with other Muslim man . pl. stop supporting her mixing with opposite gender outside marriage , it's a major sin.

Also , as already suggested , talk to your wife how u can fulfill ur duty as a father without giving much pressure on your wife.

[Snowflake]

I don't think that a daughter of her husband and her boyfriend will be a burden and place hardship for a month holiday!! What hardship and burden can it cause for my wife?.....I wash the clothes of my family since we got married and I will ask my daughter to wash her own clothes. It is true it will be Ramadan but I'm sure my daughter can cook a plate of pasta and my wife can lend a hand to a bit of cooking..... it's called helping. My daughter can also clean her room and clean the bathroom (which is separate from ours) and my wife will have no hardship at all.

What I'm saying is why is my wife demanding me not to get my daughter and her boyfriend! Where are my rights? I'm asking for my wife to be receptive just for a month of this year! Can it be so difficult?????


My believe of a marriage is to give and take. Where is my wife giving? I will let you know that my wife is the dominant participant of the family and numerous times I shut my mouth and say yes not to anger her and argue.

You said it's my duty to be there for my daughter and not my wife's...... how can I be there if my wife will not let her enter in my house? Do I spend my family's money and book a hotel? Do I go to Italy myself? My wife has forbidden me to talk or to go near my X-wife (which I fully agree), so going to Italy myself is out of the question. My daughter has to come here. And after all she would like to see her birth place once a year and meet her cousins..... why does my wife, a good Muslim, is denying this moment for my daughter?

We are talking for a month not 1 year. Is a sacrifice so big for a good Muslim to do?

I understand your frustration and Islam does place a great emphasis on honouring guests and also blood ties even if they are non muslim.
So I hope you don't mind, but I took it upon myself to contact my local imam for advice and you'll be happy to know his advice went in your favour.

He said, that although having gf/bf is haram in Islam, but your daughter and her bf are not muslim and cannot be treated as such, so they despite their haram relationship they can visit you as long as they are segregated throughout the length of their stay. And that will be your duty to make sure that happens. That means no sharing room's not being alone with each other at any time even just to watch TV. Your wife should not object to them staying based on them being gf-bf. And because you are around there is no reason for her to serve the bf either. Masha Allah @imam's advice. Just be sure to make wifey happy by helping her as much as you can and reminding her of the virtues of honouring guests. When your daughter leaves, buy your wife a gift and tell her how much you appreciate what she did for you. That way you might be spared from GBH of the ear hole.

[Scimitar]

GBH of the ear hole - that is strangely funny, true and scary at the same time :D

Scimi

[Legolas]

I think you answered your own question then while airing out family laundry which in my humble view wasn't necessary especially that your wife isn't not here to defend her position or share her points of view.
Does it not bother you (even as a former catholic) that your daughter is bringing a man into your house which you know she's sleeping with (outside of marriage) when you have young impressionable boys? It is your house after all so do what you wish it isn't up to any of us to tell you or her what to do but sure how many observing Christians/Jews/Muslims or anything in between who would prefer vice over virtue. I don't think anyone would have a problem seeing things from your point of view is she were a married 17 year old as opposed to what it comes across...

I do not know if she is sleeping with him or not but in todays world it is very possible.
I am not looking for a soluation from all of you but this is a discussion and there is no harm in discussing and sharing different views and it wis interesting to see what other have to say.

From my point of view, I see no harm is my daughter visiting me with her boyfriend. It is better in my house than they go abroad together alone.
However, many are not seeing the point that I get to see my daughter only once a year and boyfriend or not my wife has made it clear that she does not want them in the house. Do you think that me, as a father, would not like to see his daughter? When my two daughter had left to Italy to live with my X-wife it was very heart breaking for me.
I knew that I would loose the opportunity of raising my children or watching them grow. What was worse, I knew that they will be raise with my x-wife and her new man!! The knowing that another man is raising my children was very painful. They were only about 5 and 9 years at that time.

Also the point that my daughters suffered the trauma of the separation and now my 17 year old daughter is suffering the consequances. So I would like to spend some time with her in the surrounding of my house as a family. Is that so bad?

[Legolas]

:sl:


her boyfriend is a non Muhram to your wife . It will be a burden on her to maintain hijab inside the home in front of male guest .

Also there is a risk that your daughter may mix with him freely when u are not at res. If u don't want her getting married now , why u want to allow him to come with her ?



Why he must come with her ? If he wants to see how Muslims live , arrange his stay at any mosque or with other Muslim man . pl. stop supporting her mixing with opposite gender outside marriage , it's a major sin.

Also , as already suggested , talk to your wife how u can fulfill ur duty as a father without giving much pressure on your wife.

My wife will have no burden regarding the hijab because she never wore one.

There will be rules in the house and my daughter will never be alone with her boyfriend and they will not mix freely because I myself will terminate her holiday. I know my daughter and she will respect the rules I will put for them.

I don't believe it's a sin to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's a sin if you sleep with a person outside marriage. I allowed him to come with her so I will get to know the boy that is with my daughter. My daughter is suffering from a physiological trauma of the separation and she is becoming anorexic so I want to be carful and want to make her happy so she can relax and maybe understand the problem that she has deep inside her. By being with us in a Muslim family she will be safe.

Also, my wife had excepted my elder daughter and her boyfriend 3 years ago in our house.

[جوري]

I believe sister snow has the answer you were looking for.. Hope this issue resolves for you in a way satisfactory to all especially you!

Good luck

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

I don't believe it's a sin to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend..

Allah warns in holy Quran that ' do not come near to adultery' . So , having a boyfriend / girlfriend is a step that can easily lead one to commit that sin .

If ur daughter commits that sin outside ur home , it's not your fault . But u can't allow her to stay with her boyfriend under the same roof . Also she is not able to fly alone ? What's the reason her boyfriend is coming ? Pl. explain this . I can understand , u want to spend time with your daughter but how & why the boyfriend is coming between u 2 ? Pl. arrange your daughter's coming with someone else if she is unable to travel alone .

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

.... Your wife should not object to them staying based on them being gf-bf. .

I wonder if other Muftis will agree with it . Why on earth a Muslim woman ' should not ' object someone's coming with opposite gender to stay with them ? I can understand she must not object about hubby's daughter's visit but why welcome the boyfriend ????? Really confusing fatwa.

And Allah Knows Best.

[Snowflake]

:sl:
I wonder if other Muftis will agree with it . Why on earth a Muslim woman ' should not ' object someone's coming with opposite gender to stay with them ? I can understand she must not object about hubby's daughter's visit but why welcome the boyfriend ????? Really confusing fatwa.

And Allah Knows Best.

:sl: Sis,

I know what you mean. But a scholar's going to use all his knowledge to assess the situation. And we have to trust they know better than us. For instance, there's no objection in Islam in having a non mahram guest, because Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) stayed at the house of Abu Ayub Ansari and his wife when he entered Madinah. He (pbuh) also had non muslims guest who stayed at the mosque. The reason they stayed at the mosque was because the Prophet's one room home could not accommodate them all.

So there's no objection if the guest is non muslim as this fatwa shows. Islamic laws are not binding on non muslims (except in what is prohibited, if they are living under Islamic Rule.) So their being gf/bf is not our concern. It only becomes a concern if they act in a manner which makes their relationship apparent. A muslim cannot permit them to display that kind of behavior in the same way he can consent to them performing mushrik rituals in his home. As long as they are segregated, it is similar to if the wife had a non muslim female guest and the husband had a non muslim male guest at the same time. There is no harm.

Lastly, also because of this. Rasulullah (pbuh) said: "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should be hospitable with his or her guests." (No distinction was made as to whether the guest is muslim/non muslim).

Breaking it down like that helps me understand the shaykh's advice, and I don't even have a drop of the knowledge he had to base his fatwa on.


Astaghfirullah. And Allah knows best.

[Legolas]

Thank you SNOWFLAKE. This is good news!
In my country we have only one Mosque and one Imam which is the same one that married us. I don't feel confortable to talk to him about this matter so not to harm my wife's dignity.

[Legolas]

:sl:





Allah warns in holy Quran that ' do not come near to adultery' . So , having a boyfriend / girlfriend is a step that can easily lead one to commit that sin .

If ur daughter commits that sin outside ur home , it's not your fault . But u can't allow her to stay with her boyfriend under the same roof . Also she is not able to fly alone ? What's the reason her boyfriend is coming ? Pl. explain this . I can understand , u want to spend time with your daughter but how & why the boyfriend is coming between u 2 ? Pl. arrange your daughter's coming with someone else if she is unable to travel alone .

It can lead to sin BUT it can also be prevented. Why do I have to think negative? As a Muslim I am responsible enough to control the matter. Why should I distance myself because of fear of evil? Am I not a strong Muslim?

The reason for her boyfriend is:
1) My daughter is suffering psychology trauma from the separation of my X-wife and is becoming anorexic.
2) Her visit to see me this year is important because I wish to talk to her and make her understand that I love her and care for her and try to talk about the matter of the past separation
3) 3 Years ago my wife had allowed my other daughter to visit with her boyfriend and so it is not fair not to allow my younger daughter not to come with her boyfriend.
4) Having her boyfriend with her will make her free her mind and be happier and maybe she will open up and talk about her trauma.
5) Having her boyfriend here is a chance for me to know who he is and what he is. (Remember they live in Italy and I in Malta)

[YusufNoor]

:sl:

pardon my intrusion into this thread. the BIGGEST question in my mind is: WHY aren't you trying harder to find out what is really bothering your wife? if this happened before and everything was cool and this time it isn't, then something has changed or is different. i would try to determine why things are different this time.

have you ever read the book, Getting To Yes? go read it tomorrow, then sit down with your wife and attempt to see her side of the story.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Ne.../ref=pd_cp_b_0

imho, just finding a scholar that agrees with you and then telling your wife that she is wrong IS JUST PLAIN DUMB!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to understand her. really try to find out what is bothering her.
make this a situation that you can build on, not just one that knocks her down.

Akhi, something is amiss somehow. you are missing SOMETHING here! [or, you are MISSING something here. not sure which is better.] [OK, maybe the 2nd one...]

What I'm saying is why is my wife demanding me not to get my daughter and her boyfriend!

uh, dunno. but she can answer that a lot better than we can...

Where are my rights?

you have the right to love your wife. you have the right to honor your wife. you have the right to support your wife. (you can see where i'm going with this, can't you?? :statisfie:statisfie:statisfie

I'm asking for my wife to be receptive just for a month of this year!

a month IS a long time...

Can it be so difficult?????

there are about SEVEN BILLION opinions on this this that don't count. and ONE that does!

My believe of a marriage is to give and take. Where is my wife giving? I will let you know that my wife is the dominant participant of the family and numerous times I shut my mouth and say yes not to anger her and argue.

MAYBE, just MAYBE, you are SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE right now that you are missing something REALLY SIMPLE!

there is a hadeeth:

The Messenger of Allâh śallAllāhu álayhi wa sallam said repeatedly to the one who asked him for advice,

Do not get angry.

[al-Bukhârī, from Abu Hurayrah]

In his commentary on Imâm Mâlik’s Muwatta’, Imâm as-Suyūtī quotes Imâm Baji as saying,

The Messenger of Allâh śallAllāhu álayhi wa sallamgathered all good for this man in one short expression, because anger causes great harm to both religion and worldly life as a result of what one says or does when angry.

‘Do not get angry’ means: do not act in accordance with what your anger makes you incline towards, and restrain yourself. As for anger itself, a human can’t prevent it; rather, what they can prevent is acting in according to what anger calls one to do… [Suyūtī, Tanwīr al-Hawâlik, 1.212]

Imâm ‘Ayni said in his commentary on Sahīh al-Bukhârī that,

The Messenger of Allâh śallAllāhu álayhi wa sallamsaid, ‘Do not get angry,’ because he had direct knowledge (kashf) of the states of people and would thus command them to do what was best in their state. It may well have been that this person was given to anger, so he śallAllāhu álayhi wa sallam counselled him to leave it.

Baydâwī said, ‘It may well be because the ProphetśallAllāhu álayhi wa sallam saw that all harm that occurs to a human only occurs because of their passions and anger…. Thus, if one controls one’s anger, one has overcome one’s strongest enemy — and this is why the Prophet śallAllāhu álayhi wa sallam counselled him to control it.’

Khattâbi said, ‘The meaning of ‘Do not get angry’ is: don’t fall into those matters that cause anger and those matters that stir one’s anger — because anger itself is an intrinsic human trait and one can’t get rid of it…’’ [‘Ayni, Umdat al-Qârī Sharh Sahīh al-Bukhârī, 22.164]

clear your mind. shake it loose. exit any panic mode that you may be in. for ONE DAY, put your wife's feelings as the ones that count the most. with a clean fresh outlook, see what you can do to make your wife happy in this matter. see if she can fix your problem for you. LISTEN to EVERYTHING she has to say. KEEP ASKING until...

try this: "honey, i love you. i want to make and keep you happy. i am obligated to be a part of my daughter's life. i WANT to be a part of my daughter's life. she wants to come to our beloved city for one month. yes, it happens to be in Ramadhan. WHAT do i do? PLEASE help me solve my dilemma. you are my beloved and trusted wife. i believe that you can tell me the best way to deal with this situation. what IS the best way? i NEED you to help me figure this thing out. NO ONE'S opinion is more important to me than yours is. HELP ME figure out what to do. once you have helped me over this hurdle, i PROMISE that i will be the MOST GRATEFUL husband on the planet. i am counting on you!"

as you go round and round, whatever it is that is really bothering her should present itself. let HER go over and over all of your options. let her know your budget AND your budget for Eid. [hint, hint] and while i'm thinking about it, "what ARE you going to do for your wife for Eid?" what does SHE want? [whisper real quietly, "can you afford to do that if you have to put your daughter up elswhere?" hmmm?]

btw, i'd ask Mufti Ismail Menk. you can email him at muftimenk@gmail.com

:wa:

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

Am I not a strong Muslim?

A warning to all Musims including me. Whenever we start thinking that I am strong in faith , it will be easy for Satan to capture us ; because then we will be over confident of not committing sins and thus will be more careless . It's better to think that it's possible for us to make sins at any moment and pray to Allah to keep Satan from us .


And Allah Knows Best.

3 Years ago my wife had allowed my other daughter to visit with her boyfriend and so it is not fair not to allow my younger daughter not to come with her boyfriend.

if ur wife made a mistake 3 yrs back , she does not have to repeat it now . And Allah knows Best if it's unfair not to welcome step daughter's boyfriend at home. Any practising Muslim doctor says it's a must for ur daughter to spend time with bf ? Cant she bring any girl friend / female cousin with her ?

[Legolas]

YusufNoor said: quote: pardon my intrusion into this thread. the BIGGEST question in my mind is: WHY aren't you trying harder to find out what is really bothering your wife? if this happened before and everything was cool and this time it isn't, then something has changed or is different. i would try to determine why things are different this time. un-quote

I don't need to try hard.... I know what it is. You have to know my wife has a difficult character and a very dominant character. My wife is ALWAYS RIGHT, and she listens very little to what others or I have to say and hardly respects the opinion of others.


In fact I thank you for two things:


1) The book which I will buy
2) For the hadeeth regarding anger


I read the hadeeth and I was proud to know that it goes according to my character and sadly opposite of my wife's. Now she is a born Muslim and I am a revert to Islam from Catholic. If I show this hadeeth to my wife she will probably start an argument and tell me that I think bad of her. My wife cannot discuss a subject in a civil manner. She will not let you express an opinion and will not except any other opinion.
So, back to my kids from my first marriage. She says that they do not respect her and so does not want them in my house or near our kids.


My two daughters never did anything bad to her but my wife sees bad in all small things. Once my younger daughter (10 or 11 years at that time) was visiting for a month and during lunch time she had a bad mood and my wife told her to change the mood and my daughter frowned and my wife snapped at her and started shouting at her. I asked my wife to stop this but she turned to me and shouted at me in front of all my children which damaged my dignity. I, of course did not raise my voice or said anything else so as not to heat the matter.


Once my wife shouted at our little boy (4years at the time) and she took him in the room and was shouting at him. I felt very sorry that a child should be submitted to shouting over a silly thing. My way is to talk and explain but my wife has army style up-bringing. Anyway I decided to take the Camcorder and record her shouting to our child so that I can show it to her mother. As soon as I approached the door, she opened it and took the camcorder from my hand and bashed it against the wall and broke it. My son looked in horror and I got a loud shouting. Till today we could not afford to buy another camcorder.


The problem is my wife. I never life a finger on her, yet she hit me many times and in her anger said things about my family and my daughters that they are cheap girls. She was not like that when I had first met her.

[Snowflake]

:sl: Brother Legolas,

In light of what you said about your wife not being like this in the beginning, and despite what you said about her 'difficult character', it really is worth having a heart to heart with her. Brother Yusuf made some very valid points. Insha Allah try to think of a way to find out what changed your wife. A person just doesn't become irrational and angry for no reason.

Also forgive me for saying but I couldn't help noticing the fact that you said your wife does not wear hijab. The fact that you came here to ask for islamic advice for your problem shows you are conscious of the deen. Then brother, if you haven't already, and I hope you don't mind me reminding you but it's a husband's duty to command, remind and encourage the females in his family to do so. Hijab is an obligation, not a choice. Born muslims aren't always raise accordingly. Many do not practice. And no matter that your wife may be domineering, it's still important that you do what Allah commanded you to do.


“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded”

[al-Tahreem 66:6]


Islam works in perfect harmony with the nature of man. If we follow Islam properly, we don't need psychologists/psychiatrists to solve our problems. Obeying the commands of Allah and His Prophet (pbuh) mould the character and control extreme and ugly behavior, thus creating compatibility and harmony in social and personal relationships.

The Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam, said, "A believer is one from whose hands and tongue, others are safe from."

Subhan Allah, just by keeping this saying of the Prophet (pbuh) close to heart, we can avoid hurting other physically and with hurtful remarks. If we are to main peace and happiness in our relationships and life, then we have to abide by the laws of Allah, and the teachings of our beloved Prophet (pbuh). Otherwise, we will incur nothing but loss. (From experience.)

[CosmicPathos]

salam,

I think OP's side of story is being not properly attended to. He does believe that his wife has some problems, anger management issues and the like, and we are not acknowleding that but rather saying Legolas MUST have done something to make his wife irrational and angry. Trust me, no sane man would purposely want to make his wife irrational and angry.

That being said, your wife's concern over your daughter visiting with her bf are clearly valid as they go in-line with Islamic teachings of forbidding evil and spreading good. No excuces, no diseases etc can excuse evil except in cases where death is feared. For that we are even allowed to eat pigs if we have to save our life. In this case, it doesnt seem your daughter is dying. Argument can be made that she has anorexia nervosa and if not treated, she will die. Its a complicated issue with many nuances and without knowing the COMPLETE picture, none on this board can give you advice in line with Islamic principles. We can only share our opinions but not what Islam actually asks you to do. Better yet, contact a scholar who has experience with such practical issues of life.

I am sorry that your camcorder was broken by your wife. These are expensive gadgets, I hope she realizes the hurt she has caused as well.

[YusufNoor]

YusufNoor said: quote: pardon my intrusion into this thread. the BIGGEST question in my mind is: WHY aren't you trying harder to find out what is really bothering your wife? if this happened before and everything was cool and this time it isn't, then something has changed or is different. i would try to determine why things are different this time. un-quote

I don't need to try hard.... I know what it is. You have to know my wife has a difficult character and a very dominant character. My wife is ALWAYS RIGHT, and she listens very little to what others or I have to say and hardly respects the opinion of others.


In fact I thank you for two things:


1) The book which I will buy
2) For the hadeeth regarding anger


you may actually need the follow up as well, Getting Past No, sounds like you have your hands full.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-N.../dp/0553371312


I read the hadeeth and I was proud to know that it goes according to my character and sadly opposite of my wife's. Now she is a born Muslim and I am a revert to Islam from Catholic. If I show this hadeeth to my wife she will probably start an argument and tell me that I think bad of her. My wife cannot discuss a subject in a civil manner. She will not let you express an opinion and will not except any other opinion.
i was a former Catholic long before i became a Muslim, but you see, you and your wife may be in different places. you realize that you found the correct religion so you pursue Islam. for some, it is just what they were born with. they may be blind to the beauty and the wealth of Islam. i'll post some links that will allow to hear some a couple of brothers who present Islam in a way that may be beneficial for you.
So, back to my kids from my first marriage. She says that they do not respect her and so does not want them in my house or near our kids.


My two daughters never did anything bad to her but my wife sees bad in all small things. Once my younger daughter (10 or 11 years at that time) was visiting for a month and during lunch time she had a bad mood and my wife told her to change the mood and my daughter frowned and my wife snapped at her and started shouting at her. I asked my wife to stop this but she turned to me and shouted at me in front of all my children which damaged my dignity. I, of course did not raise my voice or said anything else so as not to heat the matter.

having Patience DOES NOT hurt your dignity, in fact it is an act of worship! [2.153] O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient.

some other Ayats about patience:

[2.45] And seek assistance through patience and prayer, and most surely it is a hard thing except for the humble ones,
[2.153] O you who believe! seek assistance through patience and prayer; surely Allah is with the patient.
[2.250] And when they went out against Jalut and his forces they said: Our Lord, pour down upon us patience, and make our steps firm and assist us against the unbelieving people.
[3.200] O you who believe! be patient and excel in patience and remain steadfast, and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, that you may be successful
[12.18] And they brought his shirt with false blood upon it. He said: Nay, your souls have made the matter light for you, but patience is good and Allah is He Whose help is sought for against what you describe.
[12.83] He (Yaqoub) said: Nay, your souls have made a matter light for you, so patience is good; maybe Allah will bring them all together to me; surely He is the Knowing, the Wise.
[16.127] And be patient and your patience is not but by (the assistance of) Allah, and grieve not for them, and do not distress yourself at what they plan.
[18.14] And We strengthened their hearts with patience, when they stood up and said: Our Lord is the Lord of the heavens and the earth; we will by no means call upon any god besides Him, for then indeed we should have said an extravagant thing.
[70.5] Therefore endure with a goodly patience.
[90.17] Then he is of those who believe and charge one another to show patience, and charge one another to show compassion.
Surah Al Asr:

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
[103.1] I swear by the time,
[103.2] Most surely man is in loss,
[103.3] Except those who believe and do good, and enjoin on each other truth, and enjoin on each other patience.


Once my wife shouted at our little boy (4years at the time) and she took him in the room and was shouting at him. I felt very sorry that a child should be submitted to shouting over a silly thing. My way is to talk and explain but my wife has army style up-bringing. Anyway I decided to take the Camcorder and record her shouting to our child so that I can show it to her mother. As soon as I approached the door, she opened it and took the camcorder from my hand and bashed it against the wall and broke it. My son looked in horror and I got a loud shouting. Till today we could not afford to buy another camcorder.

maybe a hidden camera, but...


The problem is my wife. I never life a finger on her, yet she hit me many times and in her anger said things about my family and my daughters that they are cheap girls. She was not like that when I had first met her.

:sl:

sounds like you need some Mufti Ismail Menk and Dr Bashar Shala. as you learn Islam, you will need to try to teach your wife. but do so in the best of ways! i have a hunch that she is not going to learn by fatwah! you will have to be wise and compassionate. AND patient!

in fact, here is a lecture on the topic by Mufti Menk, Examinations of Sabr...Pass or Fail:
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol1.html#Part4

he has many lectures on this site:

http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html

here are some videos as well:

one of my favorite, on Al Fatihah:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=GZs5kRjfy94

here is his facebook page:

https://www.**************muftimenk

and his youtube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/muftimenkrox

Dr Bashar Shala is a true gem of a speaker as well:

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...wi%20%28saw%29

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...t%20%28pbuh%29

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...s%20of%20Quran

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me..._Surah_Al-Kahf

http://www.pleasantviewschool.com/me...slamic+History

i also highly recommend this series by Jamal Zarabozo on Al Fatihah:

http://www.kalamullah.com/al-fatihah.html

here is a searchable Quran:
http://quod.lib.umich.edu/k/koran/simple.html

and you can compare translation here:

http://quran.com/

May Allah make it easy on you, and may He assist you throughout all of your trials!
Ameen,

:wa:

[Muhammad]

:sl: Legolas,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty you are in and I really hope this will work out in the end Insha'Allaah.

I'd just like to clarify, if your daughter was coming by herself, would your wife be any happier in allowing her to come?

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

Once my wife shouted at our little boy (4years at the time) and she took him in the room and was shouting at him..

In my country , it's very common that parent specially mothers not only shout but beat kids . They think it's necessary to teach them what is good . I m not saying it's the best method but it's common here.

Anyway , may be u 2 should talk to a marriage councellor / psychiatrist ?

If inviting ur daugther with her boyfriend makes the situation more complicated , then pl. think alternate . May be , u can take ur daughter to a holiday place / her parental grandpa / uncle / aunts res ?