being myself V pretending to be someone else

[anonymous]

:sl: everyone,

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by sharing this because I can't see a way to fix my problem. But I am grateful to have the opportunity to do so. At least it might help just letting out those bottled up feelings.

I'm a female in my early forties but Allah has blessed all my family with extremely youthful looks. I still get mistaken for being in my early/late twenties and less commonly for a teenager. I know I should be happy at not having to spend money on expensive lotions and beauty treatments to maintain my looks. But there is a huge flaw in my character that is casting a shadow over this happiness. My awful personality :( I don't have the maturity of someone my age. My thoughts and feelings are somewhat simple and childish. Like a child, I am nervous about posting this. Sometimes, I wonder if I am retarded in any way? I have an ideal in my head about how a woman should be. But try as I might I cannot be that woman. Women know how to wrap a man round their finger, but when I was married, I couldn't even bring myself to ask my then husband for housekeeping money. I feel deficient in intelligence and although I'd never want to be a shrewd person, I feel I should have the wisdom to know how to ask for things and have my permissible needs fulfilled. Instead I tend to get emotional and withdraw into myself. If I hear good news I get excited like children and start jumping up and down cheering and shouting. But like a child I get upset just as easily. I have to act a lot in order to appear mature around strangers. I try to impersonate people who are my age and adopt some of their mannerisms. Unfortunately once I get to know them a bit I forget to act and slip into my normal self. Once someone even said, "People are so different to how they first seem." She made it clear from other parts of the conversation that she was talking about me. She was younger than me and had managed to make me feel nervous. I was lost for words as I fought to act wise again and racked my brains for a reply. I finally said something like of course people don't get too free with someone they don't know very well. I was shocked at how people scrutinize others to closely. I am tired of pretending to be mature. Doing this makes me feel like a fake. I am sure people can see right through me as I'm sure my performances aren't oscar-winning either.

A while back I met a sister who is my age and has a twenty year old daughter. The daughter refused to call me aunty because she cannot believe I am her mum's age and calls me sis instead. The saddest thing is I cannot imagine being called aunty either as I feel like a child inside. If she'd called me aunty, I would have felt that someone my own age is calling me aunty. I feel so inadequate in every way because I'd love to feel like an aunty to younger people and be like a mentor to them. This girl asks for my advice a lot but when we joke around and I tease her, she'll tell me to shut up because she forgets I'm her elder. It's an uncomfortable feeling being young and old at the same time.

I'm also the world's biggest bore. I don't like talking much unless it's an educational type of conversation and we are talking about actual facts. I don't know how women can talk about anything, and other people, for no real purpose, and I struggle to fit in those gatherings. This makes my problem worse and makes my struggle to be 'normal' even harder.

I feel envious when I see sisters who act and talk with maturity and wisdom. I wish I were like them. I believe they earn more respect and rights from their husband and children as well as other people. Whereas undemanding women like me get nothing because people see our lack of asking, as a lack of needing anything. I would like to marry in the future, but as I get older, the difference between my age and character/weaknesses becomes more apparent and I can't believe any man would accept me for who I am. Youngsters in my family think it's great that I don't act my age. But they don't realize there are times, I need to feel and behave like a mature woman and not a girl. I am tired of putting on an act only for it to slip later. Please don't tell me to 'just be yourself' because 'myself' is not how a woman my age should be anymore.


I apologize for my long post. I realize my problem is complex. But please advise if you can.


Jazakumullah khayr.

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl: everyone,

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by sharing this because I can't see a way to fix my problem. But I am grateful to have the opportunity to do so. At least it might help just letting out those bottled up feelings.

I'm a female in my early forties but Allah has blessed all my family with extremely youthful looks. I still get mistaken for being in my early/late twenties and less commonly for a teenager. I know I should be happy at not having to spend money on expensive lotions and beauty treatments to maintain my looks. But there is a huge flaw in my character that is casting a shadow over this happiness. My awful personality :( I don't have the maturity of someone my age. My thoughts and feelings are somewhat simple and childish. Like a child, I am nervous about posting this. Sometimes, I wonder if I am retarded in any way? I have an ideal in my head about how a woman should be. But try as I might I cannot be that woman. Women know how to wrap a man round their finger, but when I was married, I couldn't even bring myself to ask my then husband for housekeeping money. I feel deficient in intelligence and although I'd never want to be a shrewd person, I feel I should have the wisdom to know how to ask for things and have my permissible needs fulfilled. Instead I tend to get emotional and withdraw into myself. If I hear good news I get excited like children and start jumping up and down cheering and shouting. But like a child I get upset just as easily. I have to act a lot in order to appear mature around strangers. I try to impersonate people who are my age and adopt some of their mannerisms. Unfortunately once I get to know them a bit I forget to act and slip into my normal self. Once someone even said, "People are so different to how they first seem." She made it clear from other parts of the conversation that she was talking about me. She was younger than me and had managed to make me feel nervous. I was lost for words as I fought to act wise again and racked my brains for a reply. I finally said something like of course people don't get too free with someone they don't know very well. I was shocked at how people scrutinize others to closely. I am tired of pretending to be mature. Doing this makes me feel like a fake. I am sure people can see right through me as I'm sure my performances aren't oscar-winning either.

A while back I met a sister who is my age and has a twenty year old daughter. The daughter refused to call me aunty because she cannot believe I am her mum's age and calls me sis instead. The saddest thing is I cannot imagine being called aunty either as I feel like a child inside. If she'd called me aunty, I would have felt that someone my own age is calling me aunty. I feel so inadequate in every way because I'd love to feel like an aunty to younger people and be like a mentor to them. This girl asks for my advice a lot but when we joke around and I tease her, she'll tell me to shut up because she forgets I'm her elder. It's an uncomfortable feeling being young and old at the same time.

I'm also the world's biggest bore. I don't like talking much unless it's an educational type of conversation and we are talking about actual facts. I don't know how women can talk about anything, and other people, for no real purpose, and I struggle to fit in those gatherings. This makes my problem worse and makes my struggle to be 'normal' even harder.

I feel envious when I see sisters who act and talk with maturity and wisdom. I wish I were like them. I believe they earn more respect and rights from their husband and children as well as other people. Whereas undemanding women like me get nothing because people see our lack of asking, as a lack of needing anything. I would like to marry in the future, but as I get older, the difference between my age and character/weaknesses becomes more apparent and I can't believe any man would accept me for who I am. Youngsters in my family think it's great that I don't act my age. But they don't realize there are times, I need to feel and behave like a mature woman and not a girl. I am tired of putting on an act only for it to slip later. Please don't tell me to 'just be yourself' because 'myself' is not how a woman my age should be anymore.


I apologize for my long post. I realize my problem is complex. But please advise if you can.


Jazakumullah khayr.

:sl:

Jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My dear sister you said it yourself you have tried to be the person your not but you have failed so many times. How can a person be someone their not. It is just not possible and eventually your normal self will come out even though you may try to surpress it. The best i can advise you is the following:

To try your best to speak and act in the way that will benefit you in this world and the next and please your creator. Do not try to please others too much or care too much about what they think, because if your concern is to please Allah then you wil automatically say and do that which wil please him. By doing so Allah will also cause others to see you in a good light because others will see divine light from your speaking and actions.

You should not be down about talking less as It is far better for a Muslim to speak less than to speak a lot, as speaking a lot will mean we may say many things that may be to our detriment in this world and the next. We may also hurt others, we may speak without thinking, therefore seem like a person who just talks without thinking. It is also true that a person who acts immaturely in front of others too much loses respect. Certain people can take advantage of this and start to ridicule and mock etc as you have mentioned. Therefore again - speak and act in the way that will benefit you in this world and the next. It will not happen overnight but after a lot of practise you will eventually adopt this most beneficial practise which in my view is the best way we can live each day of our lives as Muslims and it will enable us to get coser to Allah, reduce our sins and have more respect in the eyes of others.

That does not mean that you stop having a laugh and a joke, but it means that you try and control it more and especially who you have a laugh and a joke in front of as having too much of a laugh in front of certain people may mean you end up losing respect in their eyes and that is when they start treating you differently. Also choose your friends wisely. Do not choose friends who gossip, backbite, slander and talk about others and the latest fashion, and makeup 24 7 of the day. But choose those who fear Allah and desire the hereafter. Choose those who are respectful and will treat you the way they would like to be treated. Move away from bad friends as they will only be to your detriment in this world and the next.

So if you try your best to live by doing and saying everything that will benefit you in this world and the next then you will find that your outlook to life will change and you will get the self confidence back. You will also stop wanting to please others and be more concerned about wanting to please Allah. This will not happen overnight but it is something we can all work on every day and eventually we will implement it more and more into our daily lives, and what can be better than for us to say and do that which will benefit us in this world and the next and at the same time gain respect from others and best of all get closer to our creator!

May Allah enable us to say and do that which will benefit us in this world and the next and which will please Allah. Ameen

[جوري]

How are you a bore? If you can write like that I doubt it very much..
also, maybe it just me but I see nothing wrong with maintaining a childlike innocence .. Not being able to ask your husband for money just means you feel self respect to preclude you from extending your hand out when a husband should hopefully feel his sense of duty and give without making you feel like you're asking ... & I never personally felt that wrapping anyone around your finger much less a husband is an admirable trait .. So I don't see anything wrong with you at all.. in fact you sound delightful =)

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
the most luckiest thing about u i see is maybe u enter janah as Allah SWT too consider u as a childish and angle... really i feel its blessing u if u have childish qualities like innocence, purity and no hypocrisy, cruelity etc.
i will say just relax, thats not an issue. u know if someone is talkative ppl call him tricky, if calm then proud, so ppl never let u happy. just live ur life happy with that u r alhumdulliah.

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[ardianto]

:sl:

You are not immature. I am sure. Because if you are immature, you would not make this post and asked an advice, but you would take benefit of your "younger look" condition to act like teenager, like some immature women I have seen in my place.

Do you know? every mature person has childish nature in him/herself. But mature people know when they can express their childishly, when they need to became the real mature persons. And many of men, have channel to express their childish nature, usually it's in the form of hobbies.

Play paintball battle is one channel of the adult male childish nature. They still want to play battle game like when they were kids. Modify cars, collect miniature, making model trains, are some of many channels for the adult male childish nature. Fun sports, are other channels too.

These channels make those adult male still mature. So, when they need to 'leave temporary' their childish nature, they can do it.

That'a male. Frankly I don't know about female. But maybe you can active in a hobby as a channel for your childish nature.

Do not try eliminate your childish nature totally, because it's contains innocence of the heart. It's very beneficial if you can use it properly.