i need a second wife..(im in a very messy situation)

[muhammad0315]

aslaamaulakem brothers and sisters.
ive posted before but now that i have all the details i might be able to get advise from yall..

ok so me and this girl(wife)have been talking for about a 2year thru facebook and we decided that we were going to get married.staghfrallah i wasnt really on my dean and i was a wild boy but as time passed on while we use to talk,ive been finding my dean and it really started to get to me that it was haraam what we were doining (talking on facebook)i was real with her from the begining and told her everything about me so there wont be no suprises when we do get married(i have a child without being married from a non muslima when i was 21 and im 27 now..ok fastfoward we get married signing the contract and we agreed first before my faimly went out there that her gift will be $10,000 and i would have to pay $10,000 if i divorce her.well we get to there house and an hour before the sheik comes to the house to write the contract,her mother changed the terms that we agreed on to $15,000 gift and a whopping $50,000 if i divorce.my dad disagreed and i felt that an argumant was about to happen between her mom and my dad(the girls dad wasnt there because he walked out on them when she was young and cut all contact with them)i steped in and try to difuse the situation and was telling my dad its ok im not going to divorce her and dont worry about it,BOY WAS I WRONG i shoulda of listen to my dad when he said lets get the heck out of here.
fast foward..we write the contract and we agree that the wedding cermony will be held next year during the summer..she wanted to go back home to our country(we live in america)so i paid her ticket and i gave her spending money and told her she can stay by my aunt and mom(my mm was also going back with her)house becasue she didnt have no were to go besides her married sisters house which she has her own faimly..not even 1 week of being there she gets into argumant with my aunt and mom because she wants to stay out late and hang out with "freinds" and she calls me up telling me that she cant stay with them because there always fighting etc.. so i told my mom let her go by her sisters house and stay because shes having a hardtime and shes also giving yall ahardtime.
she has ignored me for over for over 2 weeks and i open up my facebook yesterday and see that she wrote down that shes at some HOOKAH cafe..i send her a message again and she dosnt reply..5 mins later i see that she posted on some other boys facebool wall saying that "i see you :)..i hurry up and write her to tell her what the hell is wrong with you and take off what you just wrote that boy becasue i dont want my faimly or her faimly see her talking to another boy..she ignores me and keeps it..
i find a number and i called her and told her what is your problem?why are you doing this?and why is it that you have time to be on facebook and not reply to me?her reply was "yea sometimes"..the i was like what?ok why the hell do you have time to talk to other boys on facebook and not talk to me?im your husband..her reply was again"yea sometimes"and from there i just SNAPPED AND WENT OFF ON HER..today my mom and aunt went to her sisters house to talk with her and her sister comes out to tell them shes not there and my mom said she just saw her go in the house.etc etc..and my mom told me after 5 minutes of talking with her sister,her sisters husband walks outside with his boxer shorts on and hands my mom the ring that i gave my wife(soon to be ex)..then my mom and aunt said the girl came out and start cursing at them and telling them she wants all of her cloths from my aunts house and what dose she look like marrying a guy that has a kid(talking about me)..
anyways i spent a fortune on her plane tickets and allowence and i cant afford to divorce her because i dont have the $50,000 to pay but from what i hear is that shes willing to sign divorce papers as a mutal thing..but im so upset and have lost a lot of my money over this girl for nothing..i know if she leaves me she has to pay what i spent on her but what if i dont sign the divorce papers untill her faimly gives me what ive spent?
will i be able to get a second wife while im still offacally married to her?

[جوري]

shouldn't you resolve your situation before looking for a second wife?

[Hulk]

Sorry to hear about your predicament bro but I too don't get how getting a second wife would solve any of your problems right now.

[Salahudeen]

I don't know much, but you should find out from a scholar number 1) If she was allowed to put that condition in the contract that you have to give her 50k if you divorce and 2) If that condition is allowed, what is a person meant to do if he can't afford it and wishes to divorce?


Go to a scholar/imam and ask him these questions and tell him your full situation.

I've never heard of that before, the wife being able to stipulate an amount pre marriage that she would get if the husband divorced her in the future, I've only heard of the wife being allowed to keep the dowry which would be the 10k you gave I assume.

Also post your story on this forum (link below) as there is some knowledgeable brothers who may be able to advise you better.

http://www.ahlalhdeeth.com/vbe/index.php

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[halal vitamins]

Al salam aleikum Salahuddin,
Yes you know about "mahr", what you have not heard off is the way this brother is expressing himself. In Sharia law a man has to pay a mahr (not a dowry as it is often mis-translated) so both parties agree between themselves what they want the mahr to be. In some cultures people postponne it in order to facilitate things for the groom, often a young man has nothing in early life but couple of decades later he can easily pay a substantial amount. He should really pay as soon as he is able to as it is a debt technically, albeit to his wife. Sadly most delay and delay repaying their debt, however it becomes incumbent to pay it upon divorce! that is why some twist things and say like this brother "i have to pay x if i divorce her" when in fact he should pay the bedt he agreed in front of Allah in order to marry the woman as soon as he can.
twisting language to suit one's own perception can lead to many trouble least of all in this world, the ones awaiting us on the day of judgement are far far worst, negating on a solemn promise to Allah...
If this man did not want this debt, he did not have to agree to it in the fisrt place, nor did he have to marry that woman! he could have made it clear that he cannot afford large amounts and that he does not agree to any debts, go and marry a poor woman like him. Obviouly our friend is confused and complex person... from his writing about his life. He weaved a tangles web and need to start detangling it by himself with the help of Allah he can, he just need to make the fist step and Allah will facilitate the rest: be fair, juste and above all clear in what you want and face the consequences of your actions.

[Signor]

Its perhaps the second or third story of same type i've heard this year.I don't know why Man failed to understand one simple rule Marriage is NOT A ONE TIME DEAL ITS A BUSINESS OF YEARS.you can't just keep on accepting each and everything when reaching in agreement about marital contract

Anyway Second Marriage will make your life more difficult as you have to provide food and shelter to the other woman while facing lawsuit(if the situation gets worst).Why you came up with the idea of marrying with another woman when you are still in a mess because of another?

[muhammad0315]

sorry i havent checked in a while and thanks for all the replys...
ive been trying to work it out with my fiance and its not working out..shes really disrespectful to me,my faimly and even her own faimly(her uncles)when i try to talk to her nice..she goes out to night clubs and stay out late and just ignores everyone..i told her to stop this or ill divorce her so now shes going around and telling everyone that were divorcee..i tried everything and shes just a lost cause..
the reason for me asking for a second wife is because my mom is oversees and she can find me a nice girl that wants to get married(arrainged marraige)now if i get a second wife maybe she can divorce me and ill be free of debt..i know ive made a big mistake by agreeing to pay all that money because i feel as if they set me up and set it that high so they can make me pay it..i work hard for a living but my parents hamdullah have money but i have never really asked for money from them ever sence i started working on my own..im in a big mess and my coulture is really retarded on the way we do things and as ive been reading it is really unislamic on the way we do things..

[Salahudeen]

You really should speak to an imam brother who will advise you on what is the best thing to do.

[Huzzy_786]

Bro really sorry about your situation, this is why the Ulama say that facebook is a big fitna, Insha'Allah I will be deactivating soon too.

Because I was told by my teacher that if you do meet a girl/boy on facebook and get a buzz out of it, then suddenly when they are married, they want to do it again, but they dont get that buzz from their husband so they go talking to other boys.

May Allah give us all pious wifes. Ameen.

Brother I will remember you in my dua's Insha'Allah!

[Hulk]

cool vid bro.. I think facebook really feeds into our love of ourselves. You know.. narcissism. Something else which I think is similar is twitter. lots of empty chatter.

[Futuwwa]

Can't you just ignore your first wife? If you divorce, you lose money. Simply ignoring her should suffice. I don't think anyone can hold it against you if you do, your wife has absolutely no moral basis to demand anything from you, as she behaves.

[Danah]

I think you should not think about a second wife until you resolve your situation because I think in your situation you won't be able to choice the right person as you are affected by someone else. You need to think in peace now without giving yourself an additional responsibility by marrying another woman.

I think you can leave her for now (not divorcing but just leaving her), she might know that she is wrong and then correct her actions. Don't decide something you might regret later, give her another chance. I heard many stories about people getting divorced from the first problem they faced but then they regretted it.

give her some time to rethink what she did and then ask a scholar about your situation.

If there is no hope on her, then as a last option don't ever search for a spouse through facebook or using the internet in general, I don't know what is so great about it. I can't even stay for 10 minutes there I don't know whats great in posting updates or pictures on a daily basis!!! whats wrong with people getting so much free time in their hands to spend it on facebook? Its so boring unless you use it for something beneficial like Dawah.

[Muhaba]

You don't have to give her anything Islamically if she's the one who asks for divorce. Get it in writing that she wants the divorce and then use that against her. In Islam when a woman wants divorce, it's called khula and she has to return the mahr that she has already received from her husband and the husband doesn't have to give the delayed mahr (in your case, the 50,000). On the other hand, if the man is the one who is divorcing the woman, then he doesn't get the mahr money back and he has to give any mahr amount that he hasn't already given her, known as mahr mo'ajjal مهر مؤجل.

If the marriage isn't consumated, then the man gets back 1/2 the mahr amount while the woman keeps the other half, but that is if the man is the one who wants the divorce. Since she wants divorce, you're in luck and can get everything you spent on her back. Just tactfully get it in writing that she wants divorce or get witnesses whom you can use incase she goes to a shariyah Islamic court. Good luck & Allah help you.

[Muhaba]

sorry i havent checked in a while and thanks for all the replys...
ive been trying to work it out with my fiance and its not working out..shes really disrespectful to me,my faimly and even her own faimly(her uncles)when i try to talk to her nice..she goes out to night clubs and stay out late and just ignores everyone..i told her to stop this or ill divorce her so now shes going around and telling everyone that were divorcee..i tried everything and shes just a lost cause..
the reason for me asking for a second wife is because my mom is oversees and she can find me a nice girl that wants to get married(arrainged marraige)now if i get a second wife maybe she can divorce me and ill be free of debt..i know ive made a big mistake by agreeing to pay all that money because i feel as if they set me up and set it that high so they can make me pay it..i work hard for a living but my parents hamdullah have money but i have never really asked for money from them ever sence i started working on my own..im in a big mess and my coulture is really retarded on the way we do things and as ive been reading it is really unislamic on the way we do things..

Since your wife is doing all sorts of immoral things, you can use that also against her in the divorce case. Allah says in the Quran, Surah Al-Nisa, verse 19: O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.

Ask a scholar about it, one who is well-versed in divorce law, whether you can cancel the 50,000 delayed mahr clause from your marriage contract when your wife is being immoral and whether you can take back what you spent on her. Go to a shariyah court if you have to. But get proof of her immorality first which you can use against her (for example, witnesses, printouts of facebook posts and messages, screenshots - you can use alt+prnt scrn buttons to take screen shots and then paste the screenshot in another program such as paint.)

[Futuwwa]

By the way, what legal system did you conduct your marriage contract under? That kind of matters.