Hardening of the Heart

[adam26]

Just so you know i believe in Allah, His Prophets, the Angels, the Books, the Day of Rising etc.

These are concepts that are natural to me.

No atheist will ever convince me that Allah does not exist, or no Christian will convince me that God is 3.

My problem is on a much higher level than these basic issues of Tawheed and Sifat.

My issue is the way in which Allah (swt) deals with us.

As i am approaching my late twenties, I am in need of many things. Not complex demands, Basic things, likely Money, Food, a House, a Car, a Wife etc.

What do i do when Allah is not giving me these things?

Whether i beg, whether i plead, whether i pray, whether i don't pray - year after year my ground reality stays the same.

I do not drink, i don't smoke, i do not have a girlfriend, i dont go clubbing, i dont do any of these things, sometimes i miss Salah but that is because i
have to scrape a living working outside in the rain, cold and snow but that is because i have no other choice. I work in a halal (but degrading) job and save
all i can but it is still not enough to even afford marriage.

What i find the most painful is that Allah can give me everything i need very easily, i do not doubt His ability to give), but Allah does not do this. He helps the pagan,
He helps the mushriq, He helps the one who is praying to a stone cold idol but He does not help the believer in his distress ?

Even more painful than this, the KNIFE that sinks in my heart, is that Allah the Most High is that entity which OWNS everything, there is no limit to His Treasure and Power.
If there was some kind of limit i would not complain. Okay i can understand if i am begging from a human and he only has $1000 in the Bank and he may be a bit reluctant
to give me $100, but even that same human if he now had $10 Million, he would say "here take your petty $100, in fact here have $1000" and there is really no comparison between a
millionare and the Creator, the Lord of the Arsh and Qursi.

I believe that Allah has decreed that I be humiliated, and it is this sense of humiliation inside which means on the outside i still perform the rituals of Islam
but on the inside i am suffering from every spiritual disease known to man, including envy, greed, lust, anger, miserliness, despair and these are the things that have hardened my heart.

I am not a complete idiot either, I recognize that this is the same path as the Bani Israel and the same path as Iblis, and yet here i am. I cannot do anything
to change the way i feel. I find it harder and harder to be grateful for life in the first place, because given the choice i would prefer non-existence, or to be a Angel and
face no misery or judgement.

In the battle between my Mind and my Nafs, i feel i cant subdue my Nafs anymore even when i chain it with hunger
and thirst, it is starting to overpower me and i am finding it harder and harder to overrule my desires. If your going to
tell me that life is a test, well i know this, and i also think it is a test that i will fail unless Allah (swt) changes my condition.

If your going to tell me to concentrate on the akhirah, i know this as well, but i cannot, because i can't motivate myself
to do good deeds like before, and i think If my prayers are not answered here what chance do i have over there ? And even if they were
answered over there, it would not help me with the problems i am going through now.