advice plz dont judge me

[need advice]

first of all please dont judge me i have registered on here as a last resort and only want some advice thank you

sorry if this is posted in wrong place

i am a white british girl who had a relationship with a british born pakistani muslim we had a 3yr relationship and we have a 3yr old daughter together. I ended the relationship when our daughter was 1yr old i didnt want to as i loved him but i could not cope with me and our child bieng a secret from his family apart from his brother i asked him to tell his family about us and he said he did but they did not want to know us or ever see us although i believe that was a lie and that he didnt tell them about us at all. I only knew the area he lived in with his parents only 10 minutes from where i live but i never knew the street name or anything he would come and stay over at mine but we only went out in public a handfull of times in 3 years. When our daughter was born he was a great dad always there for her and me until i ended it because i didnt liike my daughter bieng kept a secret and since then he has only been to see her twice in 2 years. I recently got in contact with someone who knew him and who gave me his full real name ( i always knew the name i called him was not his real name) and his full address he does not know i know this information.Our daughter is now 3yrls old and she asks about him all the time and gets upset sometimes which makes me sad and angry i dont understand how he can just abandon her because of religion which is whta i think this is all about! what god says its ok to abandon an innocent child?? i dont think he should get away with not bieng in her life and i am considering going to his home and confronting him wether his family are there or not as our daughter is missing out on having him in her life i basically came on here to get some advice and see what people think about my situation. It is breaking my heart seeing her upset and asking where is my daddy? why have i not got my daddy?? can anyone give me some advice?? it would be greatly appreciated thank you

[جوري]

If you're christian (people of the book) then he is able to marry you. Your religion isn't the problem neither is his.

[need advice]

i am a non practising catholic i need advice on wether to inform his parents about our daughter or not? he never spoke about marrying me although he always told me he loved me but this isnt about me and him its about him and his child.

[جوري]

I think you're the best judge of that situation? So many variables and you need to make an executive decision about it weighing all the scenarios that can potentially transpire that can have an adverse affect on any of the parties including your daughter and her safety. You should make a list of pros and cons and also define what you're hoping for when telling his parents?
Are you OK with them taking your daughter from you?
Are you OK with visitation?
Are you OK that you're all shunned
Are you OK to be married
etc. etc.

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[CosmicPathos]

Well his relationship with you was haraaam in the first place, I dont think he cared about that aspect of his religion at all, but perhaps now he does, I dont know what's his emaan right now. But when you ended your relationship with him, and kept the daughter with you, I guess you are basically telling the other person to get lost? Perhaps that is why he has only come to see her only a few times. I do not know what thoughts transpire in his mind, but that seems to be the reason.

As for you dropping at his parent's house, that would be quite a dramatic move on your part. Both of you decided consciously to bed each other and by the token, the offspring is responsibility of you both. If he has decided to get rid of this responsibility (for whatever reason he has), I dont think your going to their house and creating a ruckus would make him want to take responsibility of this child.

There simply is no point in hurting his "innocent parents" who had no role to play in his filthy deeds, just like you are concerned about the innocent baby.

Hope it works out for the best of the baby.

[need advice]

Hi cosmic sorry but i agree that the relationship was haraam but i do not agree that when i ended the relationship that meant i told him to get lost i have never stopped him from seeing our daughter and he was in her life everyday for the 1st year of her life after we split up so that cant be the reason he has abandoned her. As for me informing his parents i have been told by a family friend who is also a muslim that while our relationship was haraam he has a duty to take responsibility for our child and his parents should be told they have a grandaughter even if after they are told they do not want to be part of her life. My daughter is also innocent in all of this not just his parents i wish them no harm and would not cause a ruckus but only let them know about her.

['Abd-al Latif]

It was never about religion, even if the father says so. If one wants to talk about religion then Islam strictly forbids sexual relations outside of marriage, and taking responsibility of one's actions is even less of an Islamic act! It's very sad to hear this.

Personally, I doubt that he would ever forget about his child. Parents can never forget their children and love will always remain in their hearts for their offspring.

Something you should know about men is that when men are confronted with problems, we tend to withdraw from everyone in order to contemplate a solution. Taking about it and discussing it doesn't help as much as withdrawing and pondering about it. Like a rubber-band, we will return from withdrawal and resume life normally once we feel we are able to do something about our problem. So the fact that the father of your child is a bit distant at this present moment, I believe it is fair to say that this does not give a true reflection of the love that may be in his heart for his daughter. So this distance may not necessarily be a bad thing.

However, having said that, we don't know for how long the father is going to take to think of a solution – or even if he's just avoiding the problem altogether! Whatever the case, what you, your daughter and he need in your life right now is stability and security. Going to his family and confronting him may not grant you this because of the drama and problems it'll create: can you imagine this happening to your family?

My advice therefore would be to first mention to him everything you've mentioned to us on this thread. Be honest and open with him and see what his response is. If he takes the responsibility, speaks to his family and handles his situation properly then you may end up living together as a family than as distant parents.

If he still seems reluctant then I'd try to speak to his other family members and see if they can be of any help.

I don't know what more to advise you with than this. Islamically all of what he has done is wrong: being in a relationship outside of marriage and all what comes after it is forbidden because of the problems it creates. And to then use religion as a scapegoat isn't going to help him solve any problems. This is why I doubt very much that what he is doing was ever out of religious reasons.

Invoke the Almighty and seek His aid directly, without going through any intermediaries and He can open doors that you may not have ever thought existed.

I sincerely hope this works out for you.

[tigerkhan]

well i am not judging u but the pbm is difference in attitude, custom and culture. so my sincere advice is not to raise the issue to his family bcz it will make the condition worse. bcz mostly in Asian culture, if the relationship ended and wife keeps the childs its indirectly mean that husband has no more relation with them. and here situation is more worse bcz she is not a child by legal marriage so his family never accept ur kid as their child. suppose u talk to him and he start visiting ur daughter but i am sure after few days ur daughter will say y my pappa is not living with us ?
i think u should talk to him about the situation first and see if something can be a solution but definitely its not very simple as u r thinking...

[جوري]

The saddest thing imho is that he'll bear the burden of two sins, and even if he repents out of one of them sincerely, the other one will drag behind unless he takes responsibility for her raise her up right. Sob7an Allah and la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah!

[- Qatada -]

Theres alot of problems in this whole scenario because of the following reasons:

He has left your secret relationship because his family is probably against it, and because you told him to leave. Even though he cares, he can't do nothing about it. This is worsened because asian parents dont often let their children marry of their own choice, especially if their son/daughter is young.

I recommend you wait and try to find a middle ground between this all. If his family considers him mature enough to marry his own choice, then I recommend you let him join this website (through a middle party). One thing you should never do is go directly to his family, you will have almost bombed the household if u do that and he will hate you for it.


There seems only one long term solution which might allow this all to play out well:

1 - If you know of any Muslim girls, who are friends with any of his sister (and that sister is close to him) - then you could talk to her that you want to marry him. (you should not mention your child to them otherwise you will have made another big drama in their house). This seems difficult and will probably be rejected.

2 - Asians will often consider girls for marriage only if they are Muslims, this is acceptable if the parents are open minded enough, or if the boy is mature enough to decide his own marriage choice. If you became Muslim (I know this might seem strange, but Islam is really the same religion of Jesus [submitting to 1 God]), then step 1 of approaching his sister or him 'approaching you' through this site might actually play out okay in his family.

After that your daughter issue could possibly be resolved, but that has to come later in order to prevent other catastrophes from arising in their household.



I know all this seems exaggerated, but we know the Asian culture well because alot of us here are Pakis. This seems like the only way to keep all the families intact.

I ask Allah (God) to fix your situation and guide you all to goodness, ameen.