Catholic wife pregnant, Reserved cousin waiting for marriage, Family doesn't know...

[Bulut]

I'm a student living in the U.S. My family reserved one of my cousins for me to marry 3 years ago. I agreed with them on the arrangement back that time. I never had the chance to go to my country to visit my family since then.
During this time here in the U.S. I have had a relationship of 1 year with a catholic woman. She agreed to do the niqah 5 months ago. Today we found out that she is pregnant. My family does not know about my relationship. My parents will have a big shame on them in the family because of my arranged cousin. I don't know what to do in this case.
To be honest I could not adapt to the life in the U.S. Now, I'm thinking that would be better for me and my family if I go back home, but my wife here is pregnant. My family expect me to go back home in a year. I don't know if I should disappoint my family and keep staying in the U.S. with her and have my baby or should I leave and not lose my family and get married to my cousin.
Very complicated situation, full of mistakes, stress, regret, and shame.
Please guide me. Thank you!

[Snowflake]

The conditions of marrying women of the Book is that she is chaste and that any children born from them be raised as believers. If you leave your wife and she goes on to have your child, that child will most likely be raised as a non muslim. Since the nikah has already taken place, you must make every effort to invite your wife toward Islam, as in her current faith, she may have habits which are damaging to the sanctity and purity of a muslim way of life and household.

Besides this, a man is responsible for guiding his family in religion. This means you must raise your child as a muslim and not abandon him/her to be raised as an unbeliever.

Finally, a muslim must be trustworthy and have the courage to honour any contracts or vows he has made and not break them without a sound reason. How will ending the marriage reflect upon you as a muslim and our deen? There's no indication from your post that you want to end the marriage for any reason other than that you were expected to marry your cousin. Thus it seems unwise and unfair to destroy something, and hurt someone who trusts you for something that hasn't happened.

My sincere advice to you brother is to own up to your family and face the consequences. The shock and anger will eventually die down. Then gently assert every effort to invite your wife to the deen, and increase your knowledge of it also. Bring up your child well islamically and insha Allah the goodness of raising an upright muslim from your offspring, will not only make him the coolness of your, and your parent's eyes, but will also afford you Allah's mercy and blessings and be a means of ongoing reward for you in the next life.

[CosmicPathos]

^^ could not have said it better.

[Riana17]

I second the notion :)

Inshallah this baby will be a good Muslim one day, and the mom too :)

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[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


I agree with sis Snowflake







Why should u divorce ur wife ? She is innocent .

Tell ur parents about ur marriage and ask ur uncle , aunt , cousin to forgive u . Try to find a suitable match for ur cousin ( if possible ) .


Keep praying and ask Allah to help u not to make anymore major mistakes in life.

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

You are not in a big mess right now but once you marry another women than it will be more difficult for you to handle the situation.What I've seen in these cases,The children seems to get no place after they are born resulting in become burden of society(i.e drug addicts,thugs etc).So If you want to rise up,you've to take a stand like a REAL MAN and say NO to marry another women.It is better to ruin your own life than THREE(your current wife,reserved cousin and the coming baby).

Rest is what Sis Snowflake has already wrote......

[Futuwwa]

You are already married, and you are going to be a father. That means you have a duty towards your wife and your child. Divorcing your wife now would be a much greater sin than reneging on a betrothal.

Tell your family that that's how it is.

Oh, and regarding your wife, trying to get her to become a Muslim is of course good, but don't push it to the point where she might not feel fully accepted if she persists being Catholic. If you accepted her as Catholic when you married, you have no basis to expect her to change now. You are not liable for her salvation. You are, however, liable to ensure the well-being of your family.

[Bulut]

Thank you all for your help. What really gives me guilty conscience is because my cousin and my wife both have similar stories. My cousin was reserved for another guy within the family before I did. She waited for 2 years for that guy. Then that guy cancelled everything and got married to another woman, so my cousin and her family had a trauma. And my wife was left by the guy from her first relationship while she was pregnant (she has a 7 years old boy) and she had to raise this boy all alone all life. Now, if I keep being with my wife, my cousin and her family will have a second trauma. And, if I marry to my cousin, my wife will have the second trauma.

I agree with all of you that it is a more rational decision to stay where I am and have my baby. If I wasn't expecting a baby I would probably go back home. However, since I will not even think about an abortion I will have to stay. I will have to find a way and let everybody know about this situation. I will inshaallah perform a salat-i istikhara and make my final decision based on that. Please pray for me, and once again thank you all for your advices.

[Muhaba]

You should've thought about this before you had the relationship with her. if you leave her now it will be very unfair to her and to the child and will also be a bad impression on her. What will she think of Islam after such treatment?

what you do and how you deal with the situation is your choice. but you have to take responsibility for your actions. your responsibility now is to your current wife and child, not to your parents or reserved cousin. the right thing would be to tell your parents that you got married here, are expecting a child, and can't marry your cousin, no matter what the consequences.

[جوري]

Thank you all for your help. What really gives me guilty conscience is because my cousin and my wife both have similar stories. My cousin was reserved for another guy within the family before I did. She waited for 2 years for that guy. Then that guy cancelled everything and got married to another woman, so my cousin and her family had a trauma. And my wife was left by the guy from her first relationship while she was pregnant (she has a 7 years old boy) and she had to raise this boy all alone all life. Now, if I keep being with my wife, my cousin and her family will have a second trauma. And, if I marry to my cousin, my wife will have the second trauma.

I agree with all of you that it is a more rational decision to stay where I am and have my baby. If I wasn't expecting a baby I would probably go back home. However, since I will not even think about an abortion I will have to stay. I will have to find a way and let everybody know about this situation. I will inshaallah perform a salat-i istikhara and make my final decision based on that. Please pray for me, and once again thank you all for your advices.

Try to suggest and actively work on another suitor for your cousin.. but the situation is really not that traumatic, people go through difficult things all the time and a guy marrying another woman hardly falls in that category.
I felt really great advise was given here already, if your guilty conscious is fixing it so that you'd walk away from your current responsibility then let me tell you to put your guilt at ease and be more pro-active. I am sure you know plenty of people of whom your cousin can have her pick..
Also marrying cousins is not really favored in Islam though it is allowed it is preferred that you marry from outside..

& Allah swt knows best,

:w:

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


when an unmarried man goes to West , it's fear / expected that he will fall in love with a white Christian woman and will marry her . So , it won't be a new matter / extreme shock for your family . They have already heard of such matters since long .


as already suggested , try to find a suitable match for your cousin .

If it's a must for u to marry ur cousin , then dont divorce wife . Let her take the decision . It will be a problem for u to maintain 2 wives with kids in 2 different countries . So , talk to parents and concerned women about the situation .

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum Brother,


Islam recommends Istikhara for guidance in any affair, and especially so when facing difficulty choosing between two permissible options. As we are forbidden from raising our offspring as anything other than muslims, it wouldn’t be an option for a muslim to do Istikhara for.

In the interest of your cousin, the best thing you can do for her is to leave her matter with Allah subhana wa ta 'ala. Al hamdulillah, He Alone is Sufficient in caring for His Creation. Allah has said He will test us with loss and calamities.


“Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, ‘We believe’, and that they will not be put to the test?” (Quran 29:2)

“We will surely test you with something of fear and huger, and the loss of wealth and lives and the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, who say—when afflicted with calamity—“To God We belong, and to Him we shall return!” They are on those whom descend blessings from their Lord, and Mercy. Such are the rightly guided.” (Quran 2:155-157)


But Allah is with those who are patient and has promised that there is no reward for good - but good. I ask Allah, The Kind and Beneficent, to grant your cousin, and us patience in our trials. Ameen.

[Bulut]

I thank every individual who have helped me here and reminded me about my responsibilities towards my wife and coming baby.

I actually did istikhara without knowing that it wouldn't be an option for me.
I had a dream where I and my sister had one pair of shoes in front of me. One of them was black the other one was white. The black one was a little old, but it was very shiny, charming, and attractive. The white one was kind of dim color and not shiny. I picked the black one, but my sister told me that the black one does not suit me and is not for me. After she said that I headed to the white one.

I am not a dream interpreter but I felt that the black one is the life in the USA since it is shiny and attractive, and the white one is the modest life back home. Please don't withhold your comments about my dream.

Thanks to all of you brothers and sisters.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


ask a Mufti who can interprate dreams .

[Abz2000]

Salamz,
Lol bro, did you interpret it like that coz of this?

"..........To be honest I could not adapt to the life in the U.S. Now, I'm thinking that would be better for me and my family if I go back......."

Ask urself if yours an honest interpretation or a selfish interpretation.
I am no interpreter of dreams but your interpretation seemed so biased that i think a 5 year old would have opposed you,
I would have thought the shiny black one is the one being made alluring to you and the white one would be the lady you married, who seems so boring/dislikable/dull/insignificant to you that you're considering just deserting her despite her being pregnant with your child, and unless she's done something wrong that you find unacceptable, I believe it would be a selfish decision to make.
The paleness could be the routine and pace of life you dont seem to like.
(I started to hate it so I moved to warmer climes with a higher Muslim population - with my family).

But one thing for certain is that Muslims are not famous around the world for just having quick flings, dropping babies and deserting women, the kafirs are famous for it, maybe it's coz it's illegal for most of them to marry more than one woman so they either don't marry at all and become gay or copulate with/like cats and dogs, or have sick adulterous affairs,
Muslims were usually known only to leave their families when they went out for battle in support of Allah's cause, not so they could leave fatherless children who would have no role model to follow and so go astray, but children who could grow up proud of their parents' dedication and efforts in Allahs path.


Can't you smooth out issues with your parents and just ask her if she'll go back home with you,
Maybe not an issue youre having but do bear in mind that there are many stories of divorces during pregnancy (usually by the man) because he doesn't seem to understand that women have mood swings and irritable moments during child bearing, and misinterpret it as a breakdown in relations.
Sister Aafiyya siddiqui was divorced by a traitor who later assisted the kuffar in framing her when she was 8/9 months pregnant, I wished I could rip his head off.

Btw, of she's a Mushrik woman who worships statues and "icons" (idols),
Then you can ask her to stop it, if she doesn't, I don't think I would feel guilty for dropping her, but I would want to take my child and raise him as a Muslim, not a stone or wood worshipping truth hater.
Think about it anyway,
Peace

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

it's better if we don't interprete dreams by ourselves. Only some people have the knowledge of dreams , better ask them .


And Allah Knows Best.

[جوري]

Making istikhara doesn't necessarily mean the answer will be in a dream. One makes istikhara and yatwakal 3la Allah on the road they were going to take anyway.
We have no way of telling if this dream is a manifestation of istikhara, or his subconscious mind or from shaytaan or any number of things. Does breaking down a home seem like a good thing? or abandoning a child (his child)
I think it is unfair to request an answer from us either way. But it shouldn't feel right to anyone that one abandons his wife whom he got pregnant for the promise of a better life somewhere else. I mean we should be able to identify with this woman even if she's from a different faith. I can't help but feel very sadly for her and all I can say is wow, walhi if I were your cousin I'd turn you down even if I had a thousand bad experiences and even with the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life, how can anyone build their happiness on the demise of someone else'?. There's which I can't cite now that says that no woman should make a man divorce his wife to take her place and I certainly hope your cousin knows that whatever her situation maybe!
I don't want to bear the burden of giving advise be it good or bad it is in Allah swt knowledge. This is Balut's cross to bear really!

:w:

[Marina-Aisha]

I'm sorry but u knew bout this cousin so why did u marry some other women? Hw can u just leave ur wife when she pregnant? A baby a gift from Allah, do u know there many couples struggling to get pregnant.. Just focus on ur wife and forget bout this cousin. Can't believe someone would do such thing ur wife clearly loves u if she did nika it same u don't see that.

[جوري]

A baby a gift from Allah, do u know there many couples struggling to get pregnant

Sob7an Allah, how true is this. I don't understand why people think life is a small thing like a given right? drones, abortions, abandonment, talks of population control. Is this what we do with the world and the life Allah swt entrusted to us?

[Snowflake]

Bulut: I am not a dream interpreter but I felt that the black one is the life in the USA since it is shiny and attractive, and the white one is the modest life back home.

Dreams have their meanings, but when Islam has already given us guidance in a matter then we have to follow that, not dreams. Allah says, "It is not for a believer, man or woman, when Allâh and His Messenger have decreed a matter that they should have any option in their decision. And whoever disobeys Allâh and His Messenger, he has indeed strayed in a plain error. (Al-Ahzab 33:36)

However, if you still feel inclined to marry your cousin without divorcing your wife, then explain the whole story to your wife and ask her how she feels. I doubt she'd agree but for the sake of argument let's say she does. Then ask your cousin if she would be willing to marry you knowing that you'd have to divide your time equally between both wives and never be able to bring her to the US while still married to your first wife. I think you can see the chances of either women agreeing and you being able to do justice to both, are next to impossible. The fact that your cousin waited three years in your name and had her trust broken is making you feel guilty, and I think because of that you're feeling that you owe it to her to marry her. But if you had really cared for her so deeply, would you have broken her trust in the first place? Please don't do anything out of guilt. It's not a good base to build a solid relationship on.

I think almost everyone has advised the same thing - to focus on your wife and baby now, and as believers we'd only give you good advice. I'm sure everyone whose read your posts can empathize with your cousin and maybe even prayed to Allah to grant her a good life. I have. Why not do the same for her? Asking Allah to grant someone something is better than what we can give them, because Allah can give endlessly whereas we are limited in what we can give.
As sis Muslim Woman said, your parents, cousin, and her parents, deserve a sincere apology and your wife and child deserve the best of you as a good muslim husband and father. Make much repentance and resolve to be the best muslim you could be.

[Signor]

Sis Snowflake,I feels the advice given are more than enough If the man in question wants to act.All in all his focus should be on what he have right now not what he will gonna get or where circumstances leading him to....

[Snowflake]

Sis Snowflake,I feels the advice given are more than enough If the man in question wants to act.All in all his focus should be on what he have right now not what he will gonna get or where circumstances leading him to....

I also didn't feel it necessary add anything else. However, I don’t think we should discourage each other from giving advice brother. Remember Allah is also testing those giving advice in whether they remain patient when it seems that the one seeking advice is not heeding it. If we leave them at the first sign of rejecting it, then how much patience do we have ourselves?

The future does depend on what we do today - just as we are in our present situation due to what we did in the past. So it’s good to consider the options and consequences. I'm not compelling my brother to follow my advice. It’s his choice. But I’d hate to feel I lacked in giving my best because my brother’s welfare in this dunya and the hereafter, and of those in his life means a lot to me.

[Signor]

I also didn't feel it necessary add anything else. However, I don’t think we should discourage each other from giving advice brother. Remember Allah is also testing those giving advice in whether they remain patient when it seems that the one seeking advice is not heeding it. If we leave them at the first sign of rejecting it, then how much patience do we have ourselves?

The future does depend on what we do today - just as we are in our present situation due to what we did in the past. So it’s good to consider the options and consequences. I'm not compelling my brother to follow my advice. It’s his choice. But I’d hate to feel I lacked in giving my best because my brother’s welfare in this dunya and the hereafter, and of those in his life means a lot to me.

I wrote because in my humble view words loses their worth when being said again and again.Words of Man are already cheap in this World of lies--------That was my point.However I only holds a position to give my best to others and not to compel them.Peace

Assalamu Alaikum

[Bulut]

Thanks everybody. I know what I have done was a big mistake, I have hurt myself and other people with my act and that I have to do towbe for the rest of my life. I appreciate and accept all the "you should have known before you did this" type of comments. What I am trying to do now is to find a way which will recover everyone involved with least damage. That was the only reason that I shared my situation with you and asked for the opinion of wise people like sister Snowflake and everybody else who helped me here.
Insha Allah, I am very close to make my final decision on staying in the U.S. and have my baby healthy. I am now trying to approach my family in an appropriate way to face the consequences. Please keep me in your prayers. You have all helped me and may Allah always be with you all and help you in every way that you need.

Assalamu Alaikum.

[Snowflake]

Alhamdulillah, my brother. I thank you for giving my advice place in your heart. May Allah reward you for that. Ameen. Allah guides those who have good in them and are worthy of His love and mercy. I understand how hard it is to put things right but with His help you will be successful insha Allah.

Ibnul Qayyim (Rahimahullah) explained in one of his books that when Allah wants to do good for a person He makes them inclined to do good deeds so that He may increase His mercy and reward on them. And similarly when He wishes to punish a person (one who has become really disobedient to Allah subhana wa ta 'ala and turned away from His remembrance) He turns away from them and leaves them to the care of Shaytaan (na udhu billah) who leads them to further self destruction and disobedience so that way Allah increases His punishment on them. Subhan Allah, may Allah grant us refuge from such a wretched existence and a bad end. Ameen.


Normally, our death signals the end of our ability to do good for our next life. But The Merciful has granted us the means to keep being rewarded through three things:


Abu Hurayrah (ra), reported that Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said, "When a human being dies, all of his deeds are terminated except for three types: an ongoing sadaqah (charity), a knowledge (of Islam) from which others benefit, and a righteous child who makes du'a for him." [Muslim and others]

"We record that (deeds) which they have put forward and their traces (that which they have left behind)." [Al-Qur'an 36:12]

Abu Qatadah, rahimahullah, reported that Allah's Messenger, sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said, "Among the good deeds that continue to benefit a believer after death are: a knowledge that he taught and disseminated, a righteous child who lived after him, a Qur'an book that he left as inheritance a masjid that he built, a house that he built for the two wayfarers, a stream that he ran, or a charity that he gave from his wealth during his healthy lifetime so that it would reach him (in rewards) after death." [Ibn Majah and others. Verified hasan by al-Mundhiri and al-Albani). Commenting on this, al-Mundhiri, rahimahullah, said: "Some scholars say that the deeds of a human being end with his death. However, since he had caused these things (which are mentioned in the above ahadith), such as the earning of a child, disseminating the knowledge among those who take it from him, compiling a book that remains after him, or establishing a sadaqah, the rewards of these things continue to reach him as long as they continue to exist." ['Awn al-Ma'bud, 8:86]


I know your child hasn't arrived yet, (may Allah protect him and he/she be born strong and healthy - Ameen) but it's never too early to prepare yourself with knowledge in how to raise him/her Islamically. We hear parents complaining of their children going off the rails and we witness the suffering those parents are going through. However if a child is raised correctly then it's hard to imagine the possibility of them going astray. That almost always happens when there's been neglect in their upbringing. So make this your desire and commitment as Allah is calling us back to Jannah through the guidance He has given us through the Quran and His beloved Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam).


Insha Allah something to inspire all would be parents... Masha Allah :statisfie

Don't disappear bro. I find myself looking forward to the birth of your child as I would of my own brother/sister's and to making an abundance of duas for him/her upon their arrival in the world. Insha Allah ta'ala.

[Snowflake]

I wrote because in my humble view words loses their worth when being said again and again.Words of Man are already cheap in this World of lies--------That was my point.However I only holds a position to give my best to others and not to compel them.Peace

Assalamu Alaikum

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu