Here's my story and I need ur advice

[Innocent-sis]

Asalamu alaikum everyone:

When I was 17 my parents to go me back home to get married to my cousin who I only seen in pictures. I seen him for like 5 minutes and I didn't like him because he was not the guy with nice hair and nice clothing on the picture, he was actually almost completely bald and he was so dark and just unattractive at all. I didn't want to be one of those girls who judge the book by it's cover because I know eery person is different deep inside. I also realised that this guy is extremely poorMyThs family have faced some big problems because of his father who was in prison. So they're story kind of broke my heart

My uncle came to ask me if I agree abt them doing the 3agd and me being the soft kind heart person I am, I automatically said yes (in my mind I'm thinking I still have time to see him and get to know him more) but surprisingly the next day they woke me up and told me to get ready to because they were taking me to his house and I was so shocked. I couldn't believe they were serious. I really thought i will have couple of partied before the wedding and get to know him more.

Unfortunately I was to afraid to speak up so I let them drag me to his house and when I saw him again I didn't like him at all. From that day no matter how hard u try to like him it was almost impossible. I got pregnant then I left him and came back to the US and stayed away from him 3 years. I didn't want to be with him ever again. He use to call and I use to ignore all his calls and messages. I was starting to hate him so much. No matter what nice things he do for me I just couldn't stop hating him. I thought having a kid should change things around but nothing changed in my side. I love my kid so much but the hateness for my husband is out of control.

After this 3 years he got his visa and he came to the US so I decided to give it another try. I prepared our room, painted it bought a new bedroom and did everything I can to make things work. So after 3 years of seperation I thought something might change but it only got worse. I couldn't even stand him or bare with him around me. I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was able to be with him for 1 week and that was it I couldn't handle him anymore. I know it's haram but I didn't let him touch me
Or come anywhere near me. I can't stand him any longer.

I was still scared to tell anyone though so I kept quiet but when my father knew he asked me what's wrong and I told him everything. I was hoping he wouldn't be mad and he would help me but he got really mad. He asked me to try again but I refused because all this was hurting me and my health. Then I moved and lived with my brother while my husband lives with my parents in my room.

And now I'm still in my brothers house but my brother is begging me to try again. I don't wanna try again because thinking abt it makes me sick I tried exPlaining to him burned hard headed they just want it to work out no matter what. My mother hates me already and soon my whole family will hate me. I am being treated so badly. I feel like what they're doing is not fair.

I decided that I still have to wait 3 years until my husband gets his citizenship then I will file for divorce since he does not want to divorce me and I do not have eligimate reasons for khula. So my only way out of this situation is to file for divorce and child support.

What do u all think and share ur advices with me but please no judging I can not be blamed
For anything. I feel like I already pleased my father by agreeing to marry this poor guy and I pleased my husband by bringing him to the US keeping him far away from the danger he was in and poor environment.

Thank you all
Jazakum allahu khair :)

[Muhaba]

You can get khula. A woman at the time of the Prophet (SAW) said to the Prophet (SAW) that she had no complaint about her husband or his religion but she couldn't live with him. (Maybe she didn't love him. I don't remember exact words of the hadith). He (SAW) told her to return the mahr to her husband and told her husband to divorce her.

There was also case(s) where a woman wanted divorce because she didn't like the appearance of her husband and such women were not forced to continue living with their husbands when they didnt want to.

There is no blame on you for such feelings. IF you can't take your husband anymore, then ask for khula.

[Hulk]

Is there something about him which to makes it impossible for you to respect him? Maybe you don't like his appearance but if he has been fulfilling his responsibility in his role as a husband surely he deserves some respect? I hope you consult someone knowledgable regarding the issue, I don't like hearing about families splitting up as it can be a painful experience not only for the adults but also the child.. But I gues I understand that sometimes things just don't work out..

[Predator]

You can get khula. A woman at the time of the Prophet (SAW) said to the Prophet (SAW) that she had no complaint about her husband or his religion but she couldn't live with him. (Maybe she didn't love him. I don't remember exact words of the hadith). He (SAW) told her to return the mahr to her husband and told her husband to divorce her.

There was also case(s) where a woman wanted divorce because she didn't like the appearance of her husband and such women were not forced to continue living with their husbands when they didnt want to.

There is no blame on you for such feelings. IF you can't take your husband anymore, then ask for khula.

And what about vice versa. If a man in exactly the same situation (not attracted to wife ) , then he doesnt have the right to divorce ?

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[Abdul-Raouf]

divorce is last in the halal list..... so take your time..
and dua to ALLAH for guidance before taking the decision...

May ALLAH guide you take decisions which are liked by HIM

[Muhaba]

And what about vice versa. If a man in exactly the same situation (not attracted to wife ) , then he doesnt have the right to divorce ?

All i know is that a man went to Umar (R) and told him he didn't love his wife. Supposedly Umar (R) told him "Are all houses built on love" thus discouraging him from divorcing his wife. And Allah knows best.

It really depends on the circumstances i think.

EDIT: I think one reason for the difference may be that a man can marry other women while remaining married to his first wife while the woman can't marry another. Another reason is that most likely men have more freedom in choosing who to marry, so if a many married a woman willingly, why would he later on want to divorce her on the basis he's no longer attracted to her? He can still keep her as wife and still marry another one. Also I hear that many men don't consider attraction or physical beauty as necessary in a marriage.

[جوري]

I think it's hurtful to another human being to have that much hatred and not spare them the knowledge - in other words if she can't conceal this from him then it's better to get a divorce. He's a human being who deserves to be loved and respected just as she has a right to the same. I actually feel very bad for this guy- it shouldn't be about citizenship or whatever why string him along? It doesn't feel or sound right.
Imagine living with the knowledge that your spouse isn't only not attracted to you but the repulsion has turned to hatred! A3ooth billah

[Muhaba]

Is there something about him which to makes it impossible for you to respect him? Maybe you don't like his appearance but if he has been fulfilling his responsibility in his role as a husband surely he deserves some respect? I hope you consult someone knowledgable regarding the issue, I don't like hearing about families splitting up as it can be a painful experience not only for the adults but also the child.. But I gues I understand that sometimes things just don't work out..

Remember that sometimes a person just may not be able to tolerate another person for some reason no matter what and it is not right to force them to. This sister didn't want to marry this man from the beginning. In a way she was forced even if she accepted it herself at the start or even if she forced herself to it. In those cultures, sometimes a woman knows she cant say no even when she is asked for her opinion, she knows that she has to say what her family wants. she has no choice in fact.

We should remember the case of Hadrat Zainab (R) who couldn't accept a former slave to be her husband even when Allah and His Prophet wanted and that marriage ended in divorce. (See Surah Al-Ahzab and its commentary). So if a person isn't forced to remain in a marriage for Allah's pleasure or His Prophet's pleasure, then who else has the right for whose sake one should remain in marriage?

[Muhaba]

I think it's hurtful to another human being to have that much hatred and not spare them the knowledge - in other words if she can't conceal this from him then it's better to get a divorce. He's a human being who deserves to be loved and respected just as she has a right to the same. I actually feel very bad for this guy- it shouldn't be about citizenship or whatever why string him along? It doesn't feel or sound right.
Imagine living with the knowledge that your spouse isn't only not attracted to you but the repulsion has turned to hatred! A3ooth billah

Sister, I think he should realize that it may not be that he's ugly which makes her hate him so much but because of the way he was married to him or it may simply be that she is attracted to a different type of guy. Having grown up in the west I can say that people are attracted to the sort of guys with whom they grow up with, of their own culture. I know that I am more atttracted t Western guys then to Asians but that doesn't mean that the asian guys are ugly.

So it's possible that this man may be attractive but this sister just isn't attracted to him. he's not her type. It was wrong to get married to him in the first place, but like i said already, she just may not have had a choice.

In any case, I hope they sort it out and the guy is released from this marriage.

[جوري]

I am not doubting that attractiveness means different things to different people.. just I think it would be difficult to live with that knowledge especially when coming from the person closest to you.. I think indeed they should go their separate ways I don't approve of the method they got married either but we're also only given one side of the equation at any rate.. I wish them both the best..

:w:

[جوري]

And what about vice versa. If a man in exactly the same situation (not attracted to wife ) , then he doesnt have the right to divorce ?

akhi, you know how much respect I have for you but I think we both know that the number of men who tolerate living with a spouse they don't love or find attractive far pales to the number of women. My grandmother was widowed at 36 and she never got married afer he passed away, she raised 7 kids by herself, I know had it been my grandfather who had been widowed he'd have been married within the year even though the difficulties she endured as a woman with a child as young as two are far graver than what he would have faced, and ma shaa Allah she raised them the best even though his business crumbled and it was difficult still managed to raise engineers and teachers not losers but I digress. I think women endure more for the sake of their family and how they're viewed by their family than men ever would. I don't know maybe things changed within the past decade or two but I think men are far more privileged in that regard than women are.

At any rate man or woman everyone deserves to be loved and cherished in their relationship, not told frankly that they're repulsive and hated.

:w:

[Muhaba]

Unfortunately, many ppl from India/Pakistan force their children to marry without giving them a choice. Many times the marriage is not a happy one, since the children have grown up with different values. While in Asia, such marriages may be regarded normal, to a person raised in the West they are not acceptable.

If a person refuses to get married in such a way they are disowned by their families. If a girl refuses, sometimes she gets punished or even killed as has happened many times in the UK and elsewhere, with the families claiming that she has dishonored the family. The fact is that such practices are totally unislamic and the result of the ignorance of the muslims.

A girl came to the Prophet (SAW) and told him that her father had gotten her married to her cousin (or his cousin) without her approval. The Prophet (SAW) annulled that marriage. He (SAW) said that the consent of both the man and the woman is necessary and a marriage without either's consent is not valid. Of course, that means that both have to be adults to give consent since a child can't give consent, meaning that it's not lawful for people to get their under-age children married. These rules need to be taught to the muslim ummah so they don't do deeds of ignorance - jahiliya.

[Innocent-sis]

Why when a women speaks with honesty people look at her like a criminal? But when a guy says something like "she's not my type" both parents worry for him and try sometimes encourage him to divorce her so they can find him "his type". When I said I hate him it was the truth. I know hate is a big word.. But when u fel like u can't stand a person one second around you and ur hands get all fisty and just ready to kill or get rid of him q:raging:any time (probably not literally) then that is hateness. One of u said maybe its because of the way we got married and sure that could have a huge impact on me especially when I wasn't warned or directed. They totally surprised me and i was shocked... But the main reason is because how I knew him by pictures is totally different from the reality+o(. It's like i was engaged to a whole different person then married to another. On the pictures he was really handsome and they all were saying he's very religious and he had a business and stuff... But when it comes to reality... This guy was showing me porn pics on his phone like a week after our marriage and when I deleted them he yelled at me all night..then I told him to promise me to never watch those type of stuff and he promised.. But guess what... Just a month back his phone was charging and he was eating dinner.. I opened his phone and the first thing I see is a porn pic so gross saved as soon as u click on a button it comes up. I hated him because he was not religious as I was told.. He never woke up to pray fajir like the rest of his family, I was really surprised I actually felt like I was fooled by everyone.. And let's not mention his looks on the pics and reality..I have the right to be shocked... When I told my parents abt him watching porn n save it on his phone... U know what they said?? "it's ok all guys do that" ^o)... Really? Alllllll guys? Omg... Anyway... It's useless with these people. They will never help me get divorce so I will get it my way and may Allah help me and be with me inshallah :( right now I'm looking for someone who knows a little abt immigration and American law so I can see when is the earliest to ask for divorce with messing this guys immigrant status.. If any body can help a Sis plzzz do so.

Jazakum allahu khair

[Innocent Soul]

Sister it is good that you stopped forcing yourself to do what you did not wanted. It is not your and your husband's fault because at that time you was not ready.whatever happened there is Allah's wisdom in it.

Sis writer said correct that women are mostly not allowed to chose their spouses and this usually ends up with both boy and girl or any one of them being unhappy.Inshallah other members are going to help you related to divorce and law.

Pray and Allah to show you the right path and thank h im for everything. Allah always kmows what you are going through and he will never leave you alone. :) He will help you inshallah.
May Allah grant you and your husband a happy and righteous life.ameen

[IbnAbdulHakim]

let him go

let your past go


make taubah (as we all need to make taubah to make a fresh start)

give sadaqah

fast for as long as you like



and start a new life inshAllaah.

[Innocent-sis]

Yes inhallah I will have to do that not only for me but I wouldn't want him to live with me when I have no feelings for him so I won't be nO help to him as a wife... I sure want him to be happy because he is also my cousin and the father of my child. Although I won't lie he's saying that as soon as he gets the citizenship and finish paying off all the money that he owes to people he will "shoot his self on the head". That Idea is really scaring me but I don't think he means it.. He's just saying that to scare me... Right?:nervous:

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
i am sorry but being Pakistani and very well aware of Asian culture, i think its not as just simple as u explained but there may be more complexity. eg i am sure even if u were 17 but surely u r not that immature that someone was asking r u ready to marry him and u say in joke (or carelessly) yes. i know maybe ur parent/uncle deceive u or emotional blackmailing whatsoever but that has been done and i think that was WRONG. i mean at that time u should not go for it bcz as he was not seeing attractive to u and Islamically ur parent need to see "compatibility" btw u two.
anyway there is no advantage of exploring whose fault was this, but yes u need to be wise now. so think well b4 going for anything. i am saying this bcz i feel for this poor guy too. maybe he is honest and sincere with u and he was also misinformed about u at that time. now u have a child (definitely u both were agreed and go for it) and he too need both mom and dad, so things r complex if u see deeply. that why think well b4 going for anything. i will say give yourself time to decide.

[Predator]

akhi, you know how much respect I have for you but I think we both know that the number of men who tolerate living with a spouse they don't love or find attractive far pales to the number of women.

It wasnt an argument about the number of men vs number of women . It about whether a man can divorce if he doesnt find wife attractive .

[Innocent-sis]

Thanks to all of u for the kind advices and I think I have made a final decision but I'm hoping the family would stop theyre annoying "get back together" plans... Like they would all go out n leave me at home thinking I'm alone then suddenly he comes out the bathroom and pretends like he doesn't know were alone... It makes me so mad... They know the last thing I would want is to be with him alone after I've explained everything to them... But they play their game so slick n I can't do anything abt it but lock my self in the room all day then they come acting all righteous n asking me to get out the room... Oh Allah please makes these couple of years easy on me until I can finally separate from him and live my life happily ameeeen

[Snowflake]

^Ameen. May Allah remove your difficulties and grant you a happy, pious and peaceful life. Ameen : )

Just curious as to whether you received my PM sis?

[Innocent-sis]

umm.... Snowflake I didn't know we can get private messages here.... Where's the inbox thing? I don't see it...

[Innocent-sis]

For some reason I can't reply to ur msg so I'll reply here :)

Aslamu alaikum snowflake Sis,
I finally seen the inbox (I'm slow sometimes lol) but this is very helpful information... I was thinking of talking to a lawyer just to be on the safe side... Then I remembered that if my parents find out they will think that I'm in a hurry for divorce as if there's someone already that I want to get married to... I'm sure that would mess everything up so I decided just to go along with my family even though 4 years is a long time. I know it's haram for husband n wife to live separately without divorce for couple years... Or is it? Because my family r now a bit nice with me n they r trying to comfort me any possible way. We kind of had a family meeting n they asked me it's upto me to choose what I want to do but of course they advices me so much to live with this guy during these 4 years until it's over but I know that would be too much for me to handle so I said no. We r now living with my brother n Sis who live in a family house with their kids n spouses (it's a big house) my husband has a room upstairs n I sleep downstairs with my nieces and my daughter. I really want him to live in a separate house but my father is saying the immigration might find out or some mean family members might find out n go tell the immigration that this is fraud marriage. So anyway I'll just stay here 4 years... I'll go back to school n waste my time there... And inshallah things go smooth and go the way I want it :)

[Snowflake]

Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wb,

No problem sis :)

I think you need 50 posts before you can send PMs. Sorry, I'm not sure.
It seems you have worked out a way to your problem, and al hamdulillah, it's good to hear your family are now being more supportive of your decision masha Allah. Four years is a long time, but if no other solution becomes available to you then use the time you await divorce to increase your knowledge of the deen. We only realize what a powerful weapon knowledge is when we acquire it and can use it in any situation we come across - meaning deal with every circumstance in our life Islamically. A lot of our problems come form the fact that we don't know our own rights and allow others to use and abuse us and vice versa. Insha Allah dear sister, make a daily effort to read Islamic books/articles on various topics and especially the Quran with translation if you cannot understand Arabic. Since you have a child, one good topic to read up on could be on how to raise your child Islamically, i.e. when to teach them how to pray salah/when to separate them from your bed (if sharing) etc, what duas to teach him, and since children learn by copying adults, how to be a good role model yourself.

Insha Allah, leading a life according to the way that pleases Allah subhana wa ta 'ala will set you up with a good start should you wish to marry again in the future. This forum is a rich source of knowledge so I hope you make the most of it, and not disappear insha Allah. :)

[CosmicPathos]

And what about vice versa. If a man in exactly the same situation (not attracted to wife ) , then he doesnt have the right to divorce ?

This. No, then he is a shallow pig who thinks beauty is skin deep.

[CosmicPathos]

At any rate man or woman everyone deserves to be loved and cherished in their relationship, not told frankly that they're repulsive and hated.

Thanks for saying that and for bringing some sanity to the topic.

W salam

[CosmicPathos]

Unfortunately, many ppl from India/Pakistan force their children to marry without giving them a choice.

Stop generalizing. Many ppl from West force their children to leave the house at age 18 so these children fall into bad company, start drinking and start committing zina. Forcing someone into marriage is better than forcing someone into zina. Get your senses back.

Or ppl from West tell their daughters its ok to have a bf and sleep with him while shes 15 year old. Should I be disgusted by ALL westerners because of this fact?

And no, not all western girls like western guys. I am a typial brown person. A white med student girl was hitting on me yesterday and today as well. So you are proper wrong.

I should stop visiting threads like this. Insanity p***** the heck out of me and ruin an otherwise good day.

[Predator]

This. No, then he is a shallow pig who thinks beauty is skin deep.

So by your logic ,Is the OP a shallow sow who thinks handsomeness is skin deep as she said

I didn't like him because he was not the guy with nice hair and nice clothing on the picture, he was actually almost completely bald and he was so dark and just unattractive

??

[Innocent-sis]

Codmicpathos... U can think of me whatever u like... But u will never understand what I'm going through until u get in my shoeذ. As mean as I sound this is reality and we r nothing but humans... We like beauty and hate ugliness... Unless I had love for him then nothing would bother me no matter what but even that doesn't exist in me. As a human I couldn't like or love him but I do care. So I'm not a complete shallow pig as u would describe. I think anybody in my situation would think that they have been fooled into this marriage and that's what's really hurting me the most.

[Muezzin]

Potentially stupid question: Why wait until his immigration matters are sorted out before moving for divorce? Surely it would be better (if you are determined to divorce) to get it over with as soon as possible, and save you both wasting additional time and money.

Also, to be clear - you've said you find him unattractive. You've also said you found pornography on his mobile phone.

Are you feeling this way because of his looks, or because of his character? Is it a mixture of both? Do you lean more towards one element than the other, or is it something deeper?

Whatever your decision, you need to remember that you initially agreed to marry this man and have mothered a child with him.

[Muhaba]

Stop generalizing. Many ppl from West force their children to leave the house at age 18 so these children fall into bad company, start drinking and start committing zina. Forcing someone into marriage is better than forcing someone into zina. Get your senses back.

Or ppl from West tell their daughters its ok to have a bf and sleep with him while shes 15 year old. Should I be disgusted by ALL westerners because of this fact?

And no, not all western girls like western guys. I am a typial brown person. A white med student girl was hitting on me yesterday and today as well. So you are proper wrong.

I should stop visiting threads like this. Insanity p***** the heck out of me and ruin an otherwise good day.

did i say all people from india/ pakistan force their childrn to marry? did i say indian/pakistanis force their children to marry? no, i said many people from those countries force their children to marry someone without giving them a choice. so stop reading incorrectly and stop stop accusing. my reply was advice to a post and not a general post about indian/pakistani people. what i wrote is absolutely correct. ignoring the truth is not going to help. it's necessary to notice the bad points in your community/culture and to hate those bad points. only then will you be able to react and change them, starting by speaking about those thngs and pointing out that they are wrong and unislamic. overlooking the unislamic practices and not hating them will keep you from doing anything to bring change.

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum sis,

I hope you don't mind what I am going to say. Previously, I thought it wasn't appropriate to judge your choices as I am not in your shoes and felt it was better to respect whatever decision you make and support you in it. But it's been on my conscience since (which brother Muezzin's post reminded me) and I feel by respecting your decision I have in a way encouraged you to break the law - as the marriage is only one of convenience for your husband to remain in the country now.

I know you care for your spouse and are willing to be patient until he gets his visa. But I fear that if I don't warn you I will be sinful by not speaking the truth. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) commanded us to obey the laws of the land (as long as they do not compromise our deen of course). The following ruling is in response to the question of whether paper marriages are haram. I know your marriage was not based on such intentions but that has become now and the aspect of deception still applies. I hope you find the following fatwa useful and together with your family consider how you all can support your spouse back home. If your husband is able bodied, he should seek work and if his income is not sufficient to provide for his needs, then his relatives should support him insha Allah. (See Quran 17:26-29)


http://islamqa.info/en/ref/103432


May Allah forgive me if I have wronged myself. Ameen.

[Riana17]

Asalam Alaikkum,

I respect your decision and I dont judge anyone

I just wanna know one more thing, if you take enough time to find out about him? I mean focusing on his character?
Doesnt mean someone who prays on time and one who doesnt is better than the other (waking up in fajr)
or having pornos on his phone etc. We all are sinners

My point is, if you take enough time and you are convince enough that you cant stand his attitude more than his looks, I think you wont have single regret later on

I also pray you will not atleast disgust him, in the end he was once your real husband and you had a beautiful child with him. Cant avoid communicating with him for child's wellbeing

May Allah guide us all to the right path.

[Innocent-sis]

Asalam Alaikkum,

I respect your decision and I dont judge anyone

I just wanna know one more thing, if you take enough time to find out about him? I mean focusing on his character?
Doesnt mean someone who prays on time and one who doesnt is better than the other (waking up in fajr)
or having pornos on his phone etc. We all are sinners

My point is, if you take enough time and you are convince enough that you cant stand his attitude more than his looks, I think you wont have single regret later on

May Allah guide us all to the right path.

I understand exactly what u mean.... But trust me there's no way I'm gonna work it out with him... I just simply don't wanna live my life and waste my time for someone I never eanted in the first place. It's much better to let him go because I don't wanna love him n I don't wanna be with him n I really can't stand him not even for a minute. Hes a man and he deserves someone to love and care abt him and his needs and trust me I am no where near caring or loving him... I'll probably flip his entire life to the worst (more then it already is)... I know I sound so wrong and ignorant but Im just so confident with my answer because I have already stay away from him 3 years just so he can come to the US... people think I waited that long because I love him... No I didn't.. And no one knows the truth of my kindness but Allah swt. He knows exactly y I was patient. I didn't wanna break hi heart on top of all that no America and no visa.... So If I can't give him love then at least I can give him visa lol and that's all I'm good for... So he needs to take it accept it and move on.... And so do I.