Please i urgently need Advice/Guidance in regards to divorce

[rose88]

Salam,

A little bit about myself first. I am 23 years old and married, with two boys aged 2 and 4 who are the only bright part of my life. Unfortunately I married too young and I was naive in my choices, I was not mature and eventhough my family were against it I was stubborn with them until they finally accepted that I get married. I ended up getting married at the age of 18, my husband was and still is a bad boy type and at the time I thought that it was desireable. Little did I know what was to come. I live in Canada, we did the kateb kteb but we did not get legally married in Canada.
My husband is far from what you would say a practicing Muslim. He actually does not know anything of the deen with the exception of a few small things such as divorce and my "physical" duties towards him.
He was always an aggressive person but I thought that was an attitude and not something that would be physically projected onto myself.
I am very attached to my family and send money to help my brother and my sister when they need it. Me and my husband keep our finances separate and contribute equally towards our payments. I own my own small business along with some members of my family and my husband hates this, he does not want me to keep good relations with my family because he feels it is a method in which I can escape his grasp.
My husband at the beginning of our marriage was dealing drugs for a living, was friends and still is friends with criminals, used to take drugs always and just sit at home and do nothing or be out getting high or getting into fights or robbing people. He actually has a court date in a few months because he was suspected of smuggling weapons, and may face several years in jail.
Yes I know what you are thinking, I married a "quality" man, who does not follow the deen whatsoever. I mean I have met many Muslims in my life but I had not met one who didnt even fast during Ramadan until I met my husband and this lack of fasting was due to his drug habit.

That was a little background about the both of us. I will have to reveal some details that I consider too private to discuss in person with anyone but with this anonymity I can atleast share and ask for help with what options I have.

He has hit me many times whhen I would tell him to shut up if he was cursing my family. He makes fun of them and curses at them and if I tell him to be quiet he gets angry and punches me. Ihave had bruises all over my body throughout my life.
He has said he divorces me twice now.

The first time was when I was 8 months pregnant and back from work at 7 pm and I was exhausted carrying around my baby. Immediately he tells me to clean the entire house because he wants it clean, I got angry and told him I am pregnant and exhausted I feel like I can barely move, he started cursing at me and told me to do the dishes and clean the rest of the house. I picked up a dish and threw it on the floor, admittedly it was stupid but I was angry at how heartless my husband was being. This made him get up and punch me so hard in the head that I fell to the ground. Yes he punched his pregnant wife. I started crying and he told me that he divorces me.

The second time was another instance of abuse, we had an argument and he threw me down the stairs. I was going to call the police but I chose not to, because I am scared of what he would do if I did.

He also regularly threatens me with death or my family with death.
Between my first and second child, I was pregnant. He forced me to get an abortion because he didnt want the child. I wanted to kill myself. I wore black for a month and then he comes to me two months after he forces my abortion and tells me he wants a child now.

After my second child he forced me to have an abortion again and his main reason was because he did not want me to get fat again.(I gain alot of weight when I am pregnant but I usually am very thin) When this happened I left the house and lived with my parents because I could not take the abuse anymore. We went to a Sheikh and I tried to ask for a divorce but the Sheikh was on my husbands side, he did not care that he wasnt practicing Islam, he didnt care that he would abuse me. My husband tells me its best for the children if we stay together, but I cannot expose my children to this abuse. I am scared for them when they get older, I dont want them to turn out like their father.
After meeting with the Sheikh again we put certain conditions. I told the sheikh that he must stop drugs and the physical abuse, and my husband was granted a condition of his own which was for me to stop working with my family and stay with the children. This is so that he moves me away from the protection I can receive from my family, since I see them everyday when I drop the little one at my parents and go to work.
I have been back one week, and I am on my period and he has forced me to extremely unacceptable relation, a fact which makes me cry everytime I think about it. I feel like killing myself. I have lost all feeling for this man, I am forced to be his servant.
He has told me he will grant me a divorce if I give him all my money and sign the house over to him. That fact alone shows he doesnt care about anything, if he is willing to leave for a small amount of money. I have been thinking of taking him on hisoffer, or just waiting until he beats me again so I can return to the Sheikh.

I know some of this might hurt some sentivities with a few people. I am sorry for this.
I really would like advice or guidance.

Salam

[ardianto]

Assalamu'alaikum, sister.

Do you ever talk to your parents (family) about this issue?.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Sister, this man is not worth anything. He has no principles, is like froth of the sea and all I can think of is him needing the crap beaten out of him. Repeatedly. Over and over until he becomes a mute out of the punishment that is being meted out onto him. Perhaps, in that vulnerable state, he may become 'open to reason', but absent that or any other extreme scenario in which he feels complete sorrow day in day out for a while, I don't think he will change. Allah knows best, though.

In light of the above, you should not be with this man. The shaykh you are going to does not seem to be properly understanding of the situation and in my weak humble opinion has not given the best course of action - did you tell him everything?

Look at the facts: Your husband doesn't pray, doesn't fast, doesn't know anything about Islam, deals in drugs, deals with criminals, beats you and puts you in uncomfortable haram situations. Why would any shaykh tell you to stay with this person? There is no khayr in the situation and not one that seems to be happening.

if I give him all my money and sign the house over to him

Don't do it. It's a bullying tactic.

Allah knows best but sister, I think you should take your stuff and leave to your family. If he hits you again, look for help. Tell your family the whole situation and don't let the fact that you were stubborn about him make you feel like you can't tell them. They're your family and will still care about you and would do anything to help you.

Also, sister make a habit if possible to pray two rakah nafil salah every night (or just before you sleep). Make dua during straight after. During which, you pour your heart out to Allah. Ask for help and guidance on how best to resolve the problem. Pray that Allah gives you strength and determination to go through with divorce if it is best for you. Pray for protection for your family and yourself. Pray for your peace of mind and sanity. Pray also for your husband's guidance.

Pray ayatul kursi after each prayer once too. Generally, whenever you can would be good though.

[Alpha Dude]

my husband was and still is a bad boy type and at the time I thought that it was desireable.

Not to rub salt and with due respect to your situation sister, but I just want to drive this point home a bit to any sisters out there. A man being bad with an aggressive, bullying personality is not something to be desired. It is not cool. You don't want to spend your entire life with someone who behaves in that ugly fashion. Who throws temper tantrums over insignificant issues. Don't let your heart get the better of you. Desire to be pious yourself and look for someone who is pious, regardless of how 'meek' or uncool he may seem. Allah loves the humble not arrogant.

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[Hulk]

do not give him your money/property.

[rose88]

:sl:

Thank you for the responses so far.

I know I was naive when I married him. I was looking for all the wrong things in a man, I know better now but I am scared it is too late.
I have told my family and have stayed with them for several months but had to return as I was not being granted a divorce, I am scared to take it to court (islamic) out of fear what he may do to me and my family. I also fear he will take the children from me and I cannot abandon them like this.
Ideally, I want the divorce to happen in a way where he accepts it and accepts that we both play a part in the childrens lives(he is very abusive with me but very good with them, although that might be because they are just babies).

As some suspected I could not get myself to tell the Sheikh or my parents the full extent of what I have been through, I am scared and embarassed. My husband now promises me he will change, but he has done this before and always returned to the way he is. Even if he does he has hurt me so much I feel nothing, I just feel empty inside. I dont understand how someone can be so cruel to someone for no reason and then say they love them. If I am visiting my parents and I am late from work I automatically get a message that I am dead and a *****, I dont understand this.

Please if some answers can be given on what would happen with regards to the custody of the children in case of divorce. From my knowledge I will not be able to get a divorce without his consent, unless I go to Islamic court which is not an option. I have seen people say that if I return the dowry that I would not need his consent but I am not sure on this. I also know that the children will remain in my custody until the age of 7, afterwards I am unsure. What would happen to the custody in the case either of us remarry? The children are my only concern, If it were not for this concern I would have forced this divorce a long time ago.

I always pray for guidance and am grateful for more insight.

[Hulk]

Salaam sis maybe this link would be useful for u
http://www.islamhelpline.com/node/7407

[IbnAbdulHakim]

assalanu alaikum

please give this forum the happy news when you divorce this shaytan.

repent and you know the rest.



assalamu alaikum

[ardianto]

This problem is too 'big and heavy' if you try to solve it alone. This is not just how to get divorce, but the main problem is make your husband accept this divorce without doing something wrong to you, and without you lose too much.

Try to get help from people who can accompany you in divorce process and in negotiation with your husband. Your family maybe, or lawyer, or an institution.

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,

I am really sorry to hear of your predicament.

In addition to what has been mentioned already, I suggest the following insha Allah:

1. Speak to your family, and let them know what you have been going through. They need to be aware of the realities of your marriage, and take you and your kids back into their protection insha Allah.

2. Go to the police and apply for a protection order.

3. Apply for a khula divorce - you have more than enough valid reasons to have this marriage dissolved.

4. Your husband has a strong criminal record against him, a history of drugs and abuse (if you have police and medical records of these at the time, this would hold you in favour as well) - so, from this point of view, I cannot see much holding you back from legally (and islamically) keeping custody of your children.

5. And finally - LEAVE!
What are you waiting for?
For another cycle of physical abuse.....that could leave you crippled or dead? How many cases have ended in this way?
What would become of your kids then?

Please ukthi, you have already waited too long. You have tried to make the marriage work, but now you need to think about YOUR own welfare and that of your kids (who are the innocent bystanders to this toxic enviroment).

YOU are the custodian of your life and that of your kids.

Allah is your protector.
But you have to take the first step in the right direction as well.
Insha Allah, the fact that you are here, seeking advice is that first step.

And if he threatens the life of yourself/ your family - fear not.
It is only Allah that has the right to be feared.
And NOTHING can come your way, unless it is His decree.

Make duaa to the one who is All-Knowing and All Mighty - to lighten your load and keep you and your family in His all-encompassing protection.

An intoxicated and senseless creation provides NO challenge to the Creator.
Have no doubts about this.

May Allah guide you towards the best decision and shower His mercy upon you and your family.
Ameen.

Our thoughts and duaas are with you, my sister.

:wa:

[rose88]

Salam,

I had written a very long post but it logged me out before I was able to post it so I lost the post. imsad
It was about what has happened this week since my first post.

Ill keep it a little shorter this time but he got violent with me because he couldnt understand the autofill concept on google and assumed iwas searching for his friends address. So he called me a **** and i explained to him about autofill and he told me to shut up and i said no i cant when u accuse me of these things and so he started beating me and i ran and locked myself in the bathroom, and he broke a few things out of anger because he knew it was the end because of what he did. He asked me to come out quietly after an hour because he had to go to work and I had to make the breakfast for the children. When he left i fed them, dressed them packed some clothes for them and went to my parents. I called him and told him he crossed the line that only a few weeks ago(even less) promised infront of the shiekh he would not cross. I said i wanted him out of my life and after arguing for a long time and several death threats tome and my family and how i would regret it, he said when I give him his share of the house then he will leave. I said ok, my father supported me and said hewill pay the share so he leaves, which I am glad I have his support and actually I had enough saved to pay his share but my dad volunteered because he doesnt want me to lose all my savings which are intended to go towards supporting myself and my children.
Tomorrow I will go and pay him and move back into the house and he will go find his own place. He has gotten very aggressive and then calm andthen aggressive all day on the phone, and eventually after I convinced him that for the best interests of the children he needs to stop acting like a child and try and be on good terms.
He said he will goto lebanon to find a new wife, so quick after he abused me and made me leave him. I feel sorry for whoever he finds, itwill be easy as families will usually jump at the chance to gain citizenship.

I feel a little sad and depressed that everything got to this situation, I should not have married so young and been rebellious like that. Atleast I have two beautiful children who were all day saying that their baba was a bad boy and was hurting their mama. It made me cry that they had to witness that, but they will not ever again.

I have to thank everyone who took time out of their day to read my posts and give their advice. You are truly wonderful people.
May Allah guide and bless you.

Aisha

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

May Allah make things easy for you sister. Aameen.

[Muhammad]

:wasalamex

Try not to worry too much over the past - that was how Allaah (swt) had decreed matters and they could not have happened any other way. Everything happens for a reason and maybe there is some hidden good behind it also. Now it is time to focus on the future. May Allaah (swt) make the transition easy for you and keep your family safe, Aameen.