Why am I so afraid of talking to people?

[Muzamil_Syed]

salam alaikum,

this is very general explanation and background I will give because its goes more deeper and I am willing to explain any other aspects if asked but I am very happy that I was able to get this much of an explanation of my problems out of myself because usually I have a very difficult time talking about my problems...anyway, for my whole life I have been afraid of talking to people and expressing my opinions effectively and just fail to create conversations. This is a VERY SERIOUS issue for me now because I am now 21 going to college and working a job and I need to effectively be able to communicate with people if I want to get any further in life... Not only is it friends, co workers, and even brothers and sisters at the masjid that I always feel I create an awkward environment around but its also with my brother family and other closer relatives. This is hurting me ALOT! I just want to break down and cry as I type this but its an issue that just keeps coming and coming and I have already gone thru the same things so there is just no point in having an emotional breakdown... I feel like I am against all odds because I can't even explain my own problems effectively to other people so no one can help me much.. If I get lucky (like now) I will be able to think deeply and give an explanation through written words but nothing verbal and in person. I do pray five times a day work and study constantly for school so I never really have time to set aside and think about this.. But as of late its been effecting my school work the friend I have around me and more importantly the brothers and sisters I meet at the masjid because I am trying to trying to surround myself with better people and less of the "bad scene" although its nearly impossible living in california. I sometime go through major mood swings where one day I will be very happy and will be able to talk to people but another day I will be really low and possibly even to point of suicidal.. not physically but just mentally as in thinking "whats the point of living if I can't even effectively communicate with people." I really need help because I feel like I am hurting others by making them feel awkward by not being able to contribute to their conversations making them feel I am not interested.. Its never in my intention to be uninterested in what people have to say its just I really have trouble thinking quick enough to contribute to what they are saying. Often I find myself just having a conflict within myself of things such as regrets of what I just said, asking myself I am making them feel awkward they don't like me. I really do not like this lifestyle.. Its effects my studies, my relation ship with friends and family, and my motivation in life has completely diminished. I have so many things I like to blame like my lack of IQ, and not being involved with what most people are involved in possibly and many other things that would make list going on and on... I definitely know that I think way too much but I just cannot help it. This only a general detail of this significant problem that hurts more than anything in the world but I am willing to explain certain situations in my life if requested... I really need help because I just don't know where to go and get help. I plan on speaking with my primary doctor sometime soon but I just feel I won't be able to get my point across because I can't even express myself with emotion in person since I am so montone.. Jazakullah

[Scimitar]

Assalaam alaikum bro Muzamil :)

I used to be a socially awkward person when I came back to Islam. I felt like an oddball and couldn't partake in conversations with the new friends, brothers I had gained.

I know what you are going thru. What helped for me was to just state the obvious. For example, a few brothers are having a conversation, I hear something I like and say "good point bro, I like that. I also feel that way." And follow up with a smile.

I also think you should try to concentrate on asking questions, open questions and not closed ones.

Open questions force the other to respond with more than just a "yes" or "no".

Here is one example: instead of saying "do you like to pray at home or the masjid?" some one will reply either "home" or "masjid"... instead, if you reworded your question to "why do you think it is better to pray in the masjid?" you will get a lengthier answer and the conversation will fruit into other avenues.

One more thing bro, people love to talk about themselves or their opinions. So ask them questions, as much as you can. Not only will you get them to talk, but you will be able to tell them why you agree or disagree with their responses, this creates a rapport, and you get to learn about eachother.

More often than not, people cannot communicate effectively with others because they do not know them well enough - this creates a divide between them. The trick is, to ask open questions, and remember key points from their responses :)

Finally, the prophet Musa AS, used to have a speech impediment, and he couldn't talk properly, so he used to make the following dua to Allah:


رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِنْ لِسَانِي يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي

Rabb-ishrah ii sadri, wa yassir li 'amri, Wah-lul 'uqdatam-mil-li-saani, Yaf-qahuu qawlii

O my Lord! Expand me my breast; Ease my task for me; And remove the impediment from my speech, so they may understand what I say
[Surah Ta-Ha; 20:25-28]

If there is more you wish to tell us, please do so brother Muzamil.

Scimi

[marwen]

^ Very good point brother scimitar ! Jazak Allah khayr.

As for bro Muzamil_Syed, don't worry brother. True friends will never have problems to love you as you are and to understand you. Like you, there are many people who are not really comfortable with crowds and with socializing, many others have also had the same experience but got over it. You know, humans learn how to talk from others, like a baby, and we just copy our entourage and we repeat the way they talk or the jokes we heard. If a person doesn't mix with others, he will forget how to socialize, and even forgets how to talk properly. So the solution is to not be always alone, and to frequent good brothers, and attend meetings. And then conversations with others will be very easy.

[Muzamil_Syed]

salam alaikum,

this is very general explanation and background I will give because its goes more deeper and I am willing to explain any other aspects if asked but I am very happy that I was able to get this much of an explanation of my problems out of myself because usually I have a very difficult time talking about my problems...anyway, for my whole life I have been afraid of talking to people and expressing my opinions effectively and just fail to create conversations. This is a VERY SERIOUS issue for me now because I am now 21 going to college and working a job and I need to effectively be able to communicate with people if I want to get any further in life... Not only is it friends, co workers, and even brothers and sisters at the masjid that I always feel I create an awkward environment around but its also with my brother family and other closer relatives. This is hurting me ALOT! I just want to break down and cry as I type this but its an issue that just keeps coming and coming and I have already gone thru the same things so there is just no point in having an emotional breakdown... I feel like I am against all odds because I can't even explain my own problems effectively to other people so no one can help me much.. If I get lucky (like now) I will be able to think deeply and give an explanation through written words but nothing verbal and in person. I do pray five times a day work and study constantly for school so I never really have time to set aside and think about this.. But as of late its been effecting my school work the friend I have around me and more importantly the brothers and sisters I meet at the masjid because I am trying to trying to surround myself with better people and less of the "bad scene" although its nearly impossible living in california. I sometime go through major mood swings where one day I will be very happy and will be able to talk to people but another day I will be really low and possibly even to point of suicidal.. not physically but just mentally as in thinking "whats the point of living if I can't even effectively communicate with people." I really need help because I feel like I am hurting others by making them feel awkward by not being able to contribute to their conversations making them feel I am not interested.. Its never in my intention to be uninterested in what people have to say its just I really have trouble thinking quick enough to contribute to what they are saying. Often I find myself just having a conflict within myself of things such as regrets of what I just said, asking myself I am making them feel awkward they don't like me. I really do not like this lifestyle.. Its effects my studies, my relation ship with friends and family, and my motivation in life has completely diminished. I have so many things I like to blame like my lack of IQ, and not being involved with what most people are involved in possibly and many other things that would make list going on and on... I definitely know that I think way too much but I just cannot help it. This only a general detail of this significant problem that hurts more than anything in the world but I am willing to explain certain situations in my life if requested... I really need help because I just don't know where to go and get help. I plan on speaking with my primary doctor sometime soon but I just feel I won't be able to get my point across because I can't even express myself with emotion in person since I am so montone.. Jazakullah

I would also like to add that some people may say this is depression.. While this is true.. I do go through depression as result of what I explained above..I like to think I dont have much depression because I live a very good life and under very good conditions and am thankful to Allah SWT everyday for it. The difference between my depression from social anxiety and other's depression is that other people who suffer from depression are able to effectively communicate with others while I cannot.. I have absolutely no reason to be depressed except from the fact that I can't take any pleasure from hanging out brothers at the masjid because I am so often afraid to speak to them and too self conscious... People say its always the way you think about things and I do agree with this because I believe my train of though is diseased and I always try to think normally but often find myself going back to the same habits.

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[Scimitar]

habits :) I want you to see a video I found just a few days ago :)



So you see, it's all about redefining your neurological "road map".

It takes time. But, it leads to a better understanding of yourself, and others.

All human beings, feel the same emotions in varying quantities - dependant on the emotional habits we form.

The trick is to recognise which emotional habits cause which reactions within us, and to increase in the ones that are better for us, and decrease in the ones that lead us to depressive thoughts. It takes will, and a certain amount of self discipline. Discipline to tell yourself "Ok, I'm not gonna think about this, because I know where its gonna get me" and then find a more constructive avenue to explore. For example "I'm going to read about that guy... what's his name? Oh Yes, Ibn Battuta - he travelled more than Marco Polo and was one heck of an adventurous soul. I can maybe learn a thing or two from him. After all, aspirations beget inspirations".

The more you learn, the more you have to share with others - the more you have, to talk to others about.

Love how to learn, and you learn how to love... something like that :)

Depression: bro, if you knew my story, you would be thinking "how did he do it? how did he beat it?"... When I first joined this site, I shared my story somewhere. Alhamdulillah. I'm now - BREEZY :D

Like I mentioned before, when I came back to Islam, I was an emotional wreck, underconfident, couldn't talk to anyone etc... now?

Well, now I do narrations on videos, as well as sponsor a group on MSN for other like minded people such as myself - and together, we work on projects. We've built our relationship up to such a level that even though we've never met in person - we are kindred spirits, we feel we belong.

That's where you want to be, right? A place where you feel you belong? Well... you're here and it's a good start. :)

Scimi

[جوري]

I don't think you've depression but your symptoms are consistent with avoidant personality disorder -the good news is, it is treatable with some cognitive behavioral therapy.. but you know shyness and haya areadmirable traits otherwise.

:w:

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum,

Just my 2-cents:

1. Akhee, we have all been created as different people.
We havent been created to blend in with everyone.....but to stand out as individuals.

So, if you feel like you are not like everyone else, then this is OK : )

2. Im somewhat introverted as well - and I often get tongue-tied when trying to speak to a crowd of strangers.
Yet, when I am with people who i can 'relate to', its really easy to open up.

What i have realised is that in life, we will meet all sorts of people......and you will only feel really comfortable with a fraction of them.
These are the ones who may become your 'best friends', because its just so easy to speak to them. (while with other people, conversation feels laboured and difficult).

There is no need to try to force the matter - if the conversation does not seem to flow with someone very easily, this is fine.
Dont over-react/ over-analyse/ stress yourself about it.

3. Alhamdulillah, I was at a Mufti Menk lecture last night, so I will share something quite interesting:

He revealed to us that he was actually a terrible public speaker at the beginning (this is hard to imagine, when one has to listen to him today!)

And during his very first bayaan that he gave - his hands shook, and he read out a 15 min speech in just 7 minutes!
He still had 8 minutes left.....so an elderly gentleman in the front row told him: 'Read it again son'.
And so he did! He read out the entire bayaan again, to the same audience......and this time it was even better.

His point was: that sometimes all we need is the encouragement to try again - for an elderly man to tell us: 'Read it again, son'. : )
How many people today are willing to give others another chance?

And also, to remember that practise makes perfect!

If you do not succeed the first time, then try again.
And again, and again......and again.

Another example: my brother suffers from stammering - which was quite a challenge as he was growing up.
Today, alhamdulillah - he is a public speaker.
He still has a few difficult moments now and again, but he has chosen to rise above this obstacle and make it work for him - despite the odds.
SubhanAllah.


So, remember, if you are still alive, Allah wants you to keep perservering, NOT give up.

And most importantly, make duaa to Allah - to assist you in this matter.

MashaAllah, imagine how Allah CHOSE Musa (a.s) to be the one to challenge one of the most arrogant people of all time - Firoun......despite his speech impediment and lack of confidence in the situation.
He could of chosen his brother Aaron for this important task (who served to assist Musa (as) in the matter).

This should be a lesson for us.

We should not let our 'short-comings' or 'deficiencies' (no matter what they are) - determine who we are.
But instead strive harder - for this is just a test from Allah Taa'la.


May Allah grant you the most eloquent speech and hidayat to keep preservering in all that you do.
Ameen

:wa:

[Muzamil_Syed]

Jazakullah Brother Scimitar for the very powerful video I will definitely try this process... this is definitely a process that may take me quite a while because I did realize about a year ago that the way I have been thinking is just not right and needs to be change.. this may take a great deal of mental effort to focus on that it may cause me to be too burnt out for school which is why I plan on taking some time off for self evaluations such as this.. On another note i'd like to give just a couple of examples of just how my thought process works.. As I go to the masjid for a prayer everyday I may pass by a couple of brothers that I always meet at the masjid.. but I am very reluctant to make eye contact with them and try to start conversations.. ill sometimes at the very least just say salaam and walk away to avoid making myself look bad if possibly get into a conversation.. and at this point i feel a lot of guilt and pressure that I let go to my head always asking myself "why did I stutter to say something as simple as salaam or have a small conversation," and then ill just end up telling myself I always go through this everywhere I go and it just won't change.. Things such as my facial expression, tone of voice, and what I say always gets to my head non stop and I just usually end up putting in a lot mental effort into thinking about this when I should be focusing and paying attention to detail into my studies as a computer science student. Even as I type this I feel I am doing something wrong just by posting my problems in great detail because I feel I just cannot get my point across effectively in person so I just feel the need give it my all in this forum. What pressures me the most out of all this is that first impressions of someone tell a great deal about how a person is so whenever I do walk up to close friends and family that I have I always think they know me as this person thats just quiet and does not have much to say except depressing things and cannot be very entertaining like a lot of people are.. I always see groups of people joking and being able to contribute to an entertaining conversations and I'd really love to be a part of that but I am just too self-conscious during the moment.. so peoples impression of me is just this weird awkward person.. This all happens to me at work and school. To brother marwen.. fortunately I do have a couple of close friends who understand the way I am and alhamdullilah they do not have a problem with it all and I know this but i'd still love to just not create a depressing environment around them because I am quit because they don't deserve it. I really do appreciate all the help its truly means a lot to discuss such a complex topic.

[Muzamil_Syed]

I don't think you've depression but your symptoms are consistent with avoidant personality disorder -the good news is, it is treatable with some cognitive behavioral therapy.. but you know shyness and haya areadmirable traits otherwise.

:w:

JAK Sister I did do some research on Avoidant Personality Disorder and this is spot on of what I go through. I was never able to exactly find what the word of the disorder I may be having but this is definitely it. I too have been told that this is admirable personality at one point as well but at some point it becomes a real problem when dealing with things such as interviews or more importantly in my case a student trying focus my complete attention on school because going thru if you really want to learn you have to be interactive with other students and your professors.

[Scimitar]

Salaam alaikum bro Muzamil.

You shouldn't take time off away from your studies to spend time on the advice I gave above. Just give yourself a small task to practice for the week. For example, practice the salaam and the smile, and maybe a question such as "how are you today?" and have a response ready for when they ask you the same, "Alhamdulillah, i'm fine, feeling a little better now, speak later insha-Allah" *smile BIG smile*.

Small steps bro, they make big impacts on your life :)