advice needed

[anonymous]

:sl:
i came across a girl profile on FaceBook and i was completely stunned. she is niqaabi sister and she is exactly what i am looking for. i message her but she is not replying either to my message or friend request. i am serious for her and i asked her to let me know if she is available and not engaged so that i can send proposal through proper channel. she lives near to my city but i dunno her family and their address. she is not replying neither she blocked me as i requested her that if she think its not possible or she is not willing, she can block me.
i am upset what i should do. i like her bcz she is practicing and she belong to same school of thought as me but she is not replying. please if someone can suggest what can i do in this situation.
thanks.

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikum salam.

You meet a girl and you thought she is the right women for your life. But when you tried to approach her she closed 'the door'. This was your experience, wasn't it?.

Young bro, this is the common experience of the men. :D

Ask married men. many of them had experience like this. But those experiences did not make them 'down'. They still continued their life, and finally they meet women who accepted them as husbands.

Insha Allah, in the future you will meet a woman who will be your wife.

But young bro, you need to learn how to approach someone properly. In your case I notice she 'closed her door' suddenly without thinking. There are two possibilities, she has been engaged (or maybe has been married), or, she regard your way to approach her as inappropriate.

Make this experience as good lesson, and continue your life again.

One more thing I have to say. If you want to get a niqabi sister as your wife, try to learn Islamic way to approach a potential wife. It's because niqabis are very religious.

[anonymous]

u r rite bro. what upset me is not a closed door. i m not a fussy person and i openly ask her if she is engaged or not interested, she can simple block me or refuse me. but she is not replying even she didn't refuse my friend request and its pending. y is she not making me clear...

[Cabdullahi]

you're in limbo, its the worst form of rejection. Never message sisters, always go through the appropriate avenues, and dont listen to the complaints of some of them when they say men have become timid, why dont they propose anymore, why aren't they aggressively pursuing marriage. The above does not apply to those who, to them, resemble sasquatch.

FInd a wife using halal avenues and if you get rejected then you got rejected, better to get rejected using halal avenues to find a wife than not using halal avenues.

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[Cabdullahi]

oh and go for the pious

[ardianto]

u r rite bro. what upset me is not a closed door. i m not a fussy person and i openly ask her if she is engaged or not interested, she can simple block me or refuse me. but she is not replying even she didn't refuse my friend request and its pending. y is she not making me clear...

Refuse someone who 'knock the door' is not an easy thing, especially if person who knock the door look aggresive. In this situation, people prefer to close the door than say "No!, sorry".

Young bro, excuse me, from what I've noticed, your way to approach her was considered aggresive. This is why she chose to close the door instead of say "sorry".

But don't worry, the world is not as small as leaf, there are other women in the world. Continue your life and watch for other doors that still open. :)

Okay, let me share a little knowledge. If a woman refuse you after she thought and consider, it's because she think you are not the right man for her. Your fault in this matter is, you were failed to convince her that you can be a right man for her. But if a woman refuse you without thinking, it's because your way approaching her made her feel offended. Basically, women always consider the men who approach them, even if those men are not handsome and not rich, if those men approach them in the way that make them feel appreciated.

So, young bro, try to learn how to seek and approach future wife in proper way. And not against Islamic values, of course.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

read your opening post back to yourself and ponder over how wrong it sounds.



regards

assalamu alaikum

[جوري]

going to give my views as a woman, I'd not personally answer anyone from 'facebook' or other social medias. I had facebook for two weeks it was a cesspool of creeps - people I don't know never met, want nothing to do with were requesting to be friends, given that I am already not computer savvy and didn't know how to tighten the list of friends or friends through friends I just closed the entire account which btw I was forced to open in the first place by family members who requested to be in touch...
As the Arabic adage goes, if a door brings you strong gusts of winds then close it!
So I wouldn't take her rejection personally.

[Signor]

Dear Brother

There are several other ways to find religious women other than Internet.Besides this even both Husband and Wife are different than each other in their views,they can still go together,this has been proven and will be proved again and again.

Generally speaking,I don't know from where this mentality came in 'religious' Muslims that in order to know there spouse,they should talk to her/him before.It does take a few sittings always more than one to find out others(Mahram-Non Mahram Issue ^o)...who cares on a legit "date")My guess is from "Cute" or "IT" factor mindset we are getting from modern civilization.May Allah guides us all to the right path.

Assalamu Alaikum

[ardianto]

going to give my views as a woman, I'd not personally answer anyone from 'facebook' or other social medias.

I hope teen girls in my place can learn from you, sis. There are teen girls in Indonesia who were (are) missing after they made appointment and meet the guy who they know in Facebook. Some of them already back to the home after police hunted for them and arrest the guys who brought them for "sexual relationship with underage female". I cannot understand how easy those teen girls went to the bed with guys who they meet in Facebook.

By the way, in 2010 my friend made an 'experiment', he created few fake Facebook accounts which one of them made as girl account with foto of a beautiful girl. Few days later he showed me those fake accounts and I saw only that beautiful girl account that got request to be friend, which all of those request came from the guys.

Yaah, there are people who make Facebook as place to looking for someone.

[~Zaria~]

:sl:
i came across a girl profile on FaceBook and i was completely stunned. she is niqaabi sister and she is exactly what i am looking for. i message her but she is not replying either to my message or friend request. i am serious for her and i asked her to let me know if she is available and not engaged so that i can send proposal through proper channel. she lives near to my city but i dunno her family and their address. she is not replying neither she blocked me as i requested her that if she think its not possible or she is not willing, she can block me.
i am upset what i should do. i like her bcz she is practicing and she belong to same school of thought as me but she is not replying. please if someone can suggest what can i do in this situation.
thanks.

Wa-alaikumsalam,

Brother, facebook should not be the means to meet/ try to find a prospective spouse.

Perhaps place yourself in the sisters shoes for a little while - a complete stranger sees your profile and then 'hits' on you (by requesting to know if you are single or not).
You have created the impression of being the type of guy that surfs facebook, looking for new females to befriend (unfortunately, there are too many of these types around).

The fact that she has not responded to you is a good sign - shes not willing to converse with strange men, who are often just looking to fool around.

So good for her - mashaAllah, these types are not easy to find : )

I hope you will realise that for the future, this is not the correct avenue to take insha Allah.

If you are serious about marriage, then speak to your parents, elders in your family, friends and collegues - the best type of introductions are those made by someone who knows you and what you are looking for, and who has your best interests at heart.
And make duaa that Allah blesses you (and the rest of this ummah) with spouses who are righteous, faithful, loving and compatible.

There is no need to be upset about this - what is meant for you, will come your way. And what has never been decreed for you, will not touch you - despite your own desires and efforts.
There is ONLY good in WHATEVER Allah (subhanawataála) has decided for us.

Keep reminding yourself about this, and have trust that if our plans do not come to pass, then Allah has something even better for you, insha Allah....or He is warding you from a greater harm.



:wa:

[anonymous]

thank you so much bro and sis. i understand i should not approach her in that way but my bad. anyway im serious, is there any appropriate way to approach her...???
she lives in city i have worked for 3 years but i dunno her or his bothers who r on his FB account, and none of their contact. can i add her brother, he seems to be good and religious person and talk to him after making him friend? but i m fearing he don't mind as he is young man.
please suggest if there is some way out.

[Cabdullahi]

thank you so much bro and sis. i understand i should not approach her in that way but my bad. anyway im serious, is there any appropriate way to approach her...???
she lives in city i have worked for 3 years but i dunno her or his bothers who r on his FB account, and none of their contact. can i add her brother, he seems to be good and religious person and talk to him after making him friend? but i m fearing he don't mind as he is young man.
please suggest if there is some way out.

Ask her young brother for his fathers contact details..if you are so adamant on marrying this girl.

[Dagless]

If you're under 21 then I wouldn't put too much effort into this. I don't mean to belittle your feelings but:

- Looks are ok for a while but you have no idea what she is like as a person (niqab + same school of thought != great marriage)
- This isn't the only girl you'll look at and want to marry right away.

[anonymous]

This is not the original poster.

I just wanted to say, as a sister, that if she hasn't replied. It means no. I had this happen to me many times when I used to be on facebook, and it just creeped me out too much. I never saw facebook as some dating site, it was a place to keep touch with old friends etc, so any male who tried to approach me through there was an automatic turn down. Perhaps if the men had approached me through one of my family members I would have given it a second thought. Approaching a marriage prospect one on one isn't wise, it is always best to go through somebody. It is more respectful and chances a bit higher that the prospect will consider.

[anonymous]

:sl:
Her brother didn't add me..:cry:
i am not a teen not a dreamer but im a mature person(27). my heart is always controlled by mind and i am serious for her bcz i guess she is perfectly matching me. is there any way out, plzz bro and sis!

[Alpha Dude]

You mentioned you live in the same city.. if possible, visit her parents in person?

[Cabdullahi]

She is not the only woman in the world.

[Ghazalah]

Akhi, just let it go. It seems like she's not interested and I can see where she is coming from. Don't pull yourself to deep till you cannot find a way out, so I suggest you forget about her and make dua to Allah swt that you find a pious wife. If you keep persisting she will think you're a desperate so-and-so and that will do you no good.

[Cabdullahi]

There is no better warning than from women who have put many Sasquatch-like men in limbo. Take heed my brother.

['Abd-al Latif]

:sl:
she is niqaabi sister and she is exactly what i am looking for. i message her but she is not replying either to my message or friend request.

You came to do and feel all that just by seeing the niqab? What if she's a gremlin underneath? (I don't mean this in a rude way)

Bro, if you want to marry then you can't go around looking for a wife on FaceBook. You're saying she's perfect for you because she wears niqab? Bro you haven't seen her yet!

If you want to marry her then get to know her by meeting her at her home with her parents – not by adding and harrasing her on FB.

Ask a sister in your family or a sister or wife of a brother you know to contact her – as long as it's a sister and not you. At this moment she's probably freaked out to get a message by a random man who's insisting to marry her.

[~Zaria~]

Awww, this is actually so sweet!

You say that your heart is always controlled by your mind, but the opposite seems true! lol

'The course of true love never did run smooth'.....

Dont worry akhee - insha Allah, He blesses you with marriage to a pious and loving woman - who is far better than the one that has currently captured your heart (or mind :P).

Are there any single sisters in their 20s here? : )
(never mind.....or I may get myself into trouble with the mods :P )

[~Zaria~]

You came to do and feel all that just by seeing the niqab? What if she's a gremlin underneath?

Dont you know - niqaabi's are very beautiful women.....which is why they have to keep their faces covered up :P

['Abd-al Latif]

Dont you know - niqaabi's are very beautiful women.....which is why they have to keep their faces covered up :P

Nope, I don't know. If I did know then that would be a problem...

['Abd-al Latif]

I forgot to mention that it's possible that she could be engaged or married already. If this is the case then it's probably why her brother also won't add you.

[جوري]

if she's a gremlin underneath

That would be an added bonus and would cost him extra mahr :D

[anonymous]

You mentioned you live in the same city.. if possible, visit her parents in person?

unfortunately i don't know her address and even i don't know any of her brother FB contacts even worked in same city for 3 years.

[CosmicPathos]

u r rite bro. what upset me is not a closed door. i m not a fussy person and i openly ask her if she is engaged or not interested, she can simple block me or refuse me. but she is not replying even she didn't refuse my friend request and its pending. y is she not making me clear...

if you want to complain, complain to Allah that why did He put the decision to choose or discard in women's hand and not men's. Other than that, I'd tell you to roughen up, if you want to go down this alley of having a woman in your life, toughen up boy, you gonna have some rough times. Better be prepared for it.

start looking at rejections as "their loss, tu nahein tau aur sahee (i am not in shortage) etc " and not as " I am ugly, I suck, I cant get women." You will be at peace.

[CosmicPathos]

Ask a sister in your family or a sister or wife of a brother you know to contact her – as long as it's a sister and not you. At this moment she's probably freaked out to get a message by a random man who's insisting to marry her.

nah. she's enjoying the attention. But at the same time, who wants to have a needy miserable guy in her life? That's the reason.

[anonymous]

She is not the only woman in the world.

abdullahi yes she is not only in world but she is perfect for me in the sense we have much same.

You came to do and feel all that just by seeing the niqab? What if she's a gremlin underneath? (I don't mean this in a rude way)

bro plz dont try to underestimate/judge her. i just give u one indication niqaab that she is very practicing.

[CosmicPathos]

There is no better warning than from women who have put many Sasquatch-like men in limbo. Take heed my brother.

so spoke the experienced one!! :p

[CosmicPathos]

abdullahi yes she is not only in world but she is perfect for me in the sense we have much same.

therein lies your folly. Woman and perfect? No human is perfect. Women are bit more less perfect, you are always left to crave for more. :p

[anonymous]

plz bro don't try to be judgmental about her if u cant give me some suggestion. i don't think its very good approach.

[anonymous]

therein lies your folly. Woman and perfect? No human is perfect. Women are bit more less perfect, you are always left to crave for more.

thats what i am saying, no1 is perfect but someone can be perfect for u in the sense that u have same ideologies.

[CosmicPathos]

thats what i am saying, no1 is perfect but someone can be perfect for u in the sense that u have same ideologies.

That is BORING. Not perfect. lol. bro what you've been smoking? If you want same ideology, marry your image in the mirror. :p

[CosmicPathos]

the brother is already hurt cuz we are being judgmental of her. man this is love. You are in some deep waters here. bollywood style ishq to a face without identity hidden behind a niqab. lol

whaty if she has a mustache man behind that niqab???

[anonymous]

that her today's post on FB.

[CosmicPathos]

awwww .... cute... but i feel for you man. she will crush and crumble you. Dont be too "soft" for her. Bring this "soft" sided love of yours to bro-mance, your guy friends will appreciate it. Not to romance.

[anonymous]

That is BORING. Not perfect. lol. bro what you've been smoking? If you want same ideology, marry your image in the mirror.

bro do u think its work if a wife is strong follower of shiaism and husband is Sunni. so thats what i am saying she blv on same way as me.
Anyway PLZZZZ no more comments about her if u cant give some suggestion. i blv that developing felling about any non mahram b4 marriage is haram but i am saying it bcz i don't like to underestimate or judge any good muslim.

[CosmicPathos]

bro. listen to your self-esteem. Listen to that little man within you.

She ignored your msg to her. Not once, but many times. Do you really want to marry such a woman? At least love yourself a bit more than you love her.

I have nothing else to add.

[جوري]

Br. Cosmic, can't you see he's hurting.. tough guy talk isn't going to do it here.. also there's no reason to mar her character to make him get a grip on himself..
Anon.. pls start fasting mondays & thursdays and asking Allah :swt: to help you through this.. and just ride this wave don't drown in it..
It will pass and like I said don't take it personally.
A colleague of my sister was harassing her like that since the late 90's, he would go around telling people they were married even though she had turned him down, and she got married and had a kid and he would stalk to the point where it got unbearable I actually picked up the phone and yelled the crap out of him and threatened to have him fired from his job. Sometimes though you may be the nicest guy and have the best of intentions, it isn't well received. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or her. There's someone out there for everyone and you deserve to have someone have the same feelings for you. So just spend your time in prayer and fast and ride it out.

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

Br. Cosmic, can't you see he's hurting.. tough guy talk isn't going to do it here.. also there's no reason to mar her character to make him get a grip on himself..
Anon.. pls start fasting mondays & thursdays and asking Allah :swt: to help you through this.. and just ride this wave don't drown in it..
It will pass and like I said don't take it personally.
A colleague of my sister was harassing her like that since the late 90's, he would go around telling people they were married even though she had turned him down, and she got married and had a kid and he would stalk to the point where it got unbearable I actually picked up the phone and yelled the crap out of him and threatened to have him fired from his job. Sometimes though you may be the nicest guy and have the best of intentions, it isn't well received. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or her. There's someone out there for everyone and you deserve to have someone have the same feelings for you. So just spend your time in prayer and fast and ride it out.

:w:

I agree with you on this "stalking" part. That's why I've told anon to let it go. To crucify his own self-esteem, ego and respect for another human being is just madness.

On the other hand, the "It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or her" part is just wrong and like putting one's head in sand. The fact of the matter is the if he can develop feelings for her, she could also reciprocate it. If he could it then she could as well. There is no reason to call her callous indifference "just the way things are." Let's call spade a spade. We dont come out of wombs knowing everyone. We learn to know others and we have to work to make friends. Love, if it does exist, is no different.

Anyways.

[جوري]

part is just wrong and like putting one's head in sand.

your reply to that with this:

The fact of the matter is the if he can develop feelings for her, she could also reciprocate it.

is utterly nonsensical. Why could she reciprocate it? or why would she? feelings aren't an organized thing, you don't will yourself to develop emotions, that's absurd!
then you go on to callous indifference. I understand from your previous writings that you've a thing against women in general, but it doesn't have to parlay itself into everyone else' life. Your experience is solely your own- and if you approach any future relationship with the same attitude, then the experience is bound to repeat itself!
You don't know this woman and thus none of the above is applicable, it is borne purely of your imagination, be it callous, or indifferent or why shouldn't she reciprocate!
:w:

[CosmicPathos]

Again, excuses for callousness. I do wish she likes a man who is callous to her, though. What goes around should come around.

W salam

[جوري]

I often wonder if even you're convinced of what you write? You would be ok your mom or sister who for all intents and purposes is practicing to reply back to some random guy on FB? & not just reply back but reciprocate feelings? Why don't we all have intense feelings for any random person simply because they allege that they have them for us on some social network? Do you read the stuff you write?
I hope you reflect a little before you write especially jarring things against Muslims you know nothing of!

:w:

[CosmicPathos]

I have written nothing "against" Muslims. I am assuming anon is also a Muslim? His being a Muslim is not important? Only that of her is?

And no, I have nothing against "women in general" as you have said. All I want is justice to be restored in the dynamics where she gets to choose or discard which man to choose from 50 different approaching her. In that way, men are thrown into the competitive arena against each other. This happens among animals, among chimpanzees and bonobo, and pigs. To see it happen among humans makes me hateful of being a human myself.

[~Zaria~]

Assalamu-alaikum brother,

In all seriousness:

1. Please realise that this is not the correct avenue to be taking in pursuit of marriage.

2. Her non-response is completely appropiate - do not take it personally, as she does not know you.
From where she is standing, you are a complete stranger and your keen interest would not make any sense to her.
She is merely protecting herself from someone who could be randomly messaging many other women on FB, in the hopes of a reply.

3. If there is no means of making contact with a mahram in her family, then let this go.
As mentioned, you have no idea if she is already married or how she may look. Pretty eyes behind a veil can be so, or they can be very misleading.

4. There are many other women who posess the same characteristics that you are looking for.
Make duaa that Allah makes it possible for you to meet such a person, in a manner that would be pleasing to Him.

5. At the moment, it does appear as if you are stalking this sister.
This is not healthy for yourself - you are creating a fantasy based on the little information that you have available, which often results in nothing but heart-ache.
Respect this sisters privacy and her and her brothers non-response.
Their silence in this case means that they are not interested (for whatever reason) - respect this, make duaa that Allah grants you something even better and move on.

Your intentions in seeking a deeni-inclined spouse are good and admirable.
However, dont let Shaytaan use this to take you down a path that is not towards your benefit in pleasing Allah.

Allah has a plan for all of us.
Trust Him. Make sincere duaa to Him and make the appropiate effort.



:wa:

[CosmicPathos]

Her non-response is completely appropiate - do not take it personally, as she does not know you.

are people born knowing each other? What madness.

[~Zaria~]

are people born knowing each other? What madness.

Please read comments made in their context before resorting to insults.

"Her non-response is completely appropiate - do not take it personally, as she does not know you."

The point being that he could only take her non-response personally, if she actually had the chance to get to know him - and then was not interested.

[CosmicPathos]

^ I cant argue with that.

---

[CosmicPathos]

The point being that he could only take her non-response personally, if she actually had the chance to get to know him - and then was not interested.

it is still madness. Humans claim to be "one species" yet do not want to know someone who approaches with kindness in his heart? Great. One nation from Adam, was it? Does not seem like it.

Oh, forget Adam. Ummah! This is "Ummah?"

[anonymous]

Mods if u can please delete this thread before this guy fuss more.

[anonymous]

i didn't start this thread for a debate or to judge her or me. thanks for all who give some good suggestion. And those who passed judgmental comments, may Allah guide them.
one big reason y i joined IB since 2-3 years was ppl here are not much argumentative and fussy but u proved that there are some everywhere.

[Marina-Aisha]

I'm speaking from experience when I wa non muslim I had a pic of me and suddenly I was getting all these guys who I didn't know messaging me wanna know where from stuff then I ignores them all and changed my picture. I don't want to speak to random guys who don't know I didn't join Facebook to hook up just to connect with family and friends. So I get why the sis hasn't made any response. Some people just feel uncomfortable maybe I should just let go for nw, maybe five her space last thing u need is her thinkin ur stalker.