depression due to unsuccessful marriage!!! please help!!!

[honey123]

AOA Brothers and Sisters!!!

I have been married for 4 years and have a 7 months daughter Alhamdulillah!!! My married life is going towards devastation day by day. My husband is a very complicated person. He is best in all his relations except a husband. He's a complete mama's boy n my motherinlaw also takes full advantage of this thing. She brainwashes him all the time n due to this brainwashing our marriage is falling apart. We are living like two complete strangers in the same house. ysI know it's a bit odd to say something like this here but being a woman em the one who demands s*x everytime, if i dont demand he wouldnt touch me for months n even when i demand he doesnt agrees immediately, he makes me demand it constantly for 5-6 days, he always has one excuse all the time that he's tired n has to go to work early morning n even on weekends he's says that he is tired, i know this is something very personal n i feel akward sharing it here but what to do, i cannot discuss it with my friends or family, it's way too personal, is his attitude normal??? Our inlaws donot live with us, we are in USA n they are in Pakistan but my motherinlaw still has full control over my husband. Its like he's a puppet n his strings are in his mother's hands.

Anyways, I used to be an optomist before marriage, i always used to look at the positive side of everything n was always happy with whatever i got. I didnt have any jealousy, hatred absolutely nothing negative at all. I had such great values but after a year of my marriage when i started observing my husbands behaviour n the unfairness of my inlaws, my personality started going towards negative. I have very negative n i have this strong hatred in my heart for my inlkaws n husband too. All my thoughts are negative n this excessive negative thoughts n hatred are ruining me completely, em always depressed now.

I so want to let go all these negative thoughts n feelings but i just cant help it. I just want to put in my mind that my husband n inlaws would always be like that n there's nothing I could do, I should leave everything to Allah n clean my heart n brain of these negative thoughts n feelings, Allah is going to teach them a lesson for what they are doing to me, but I just cant help it. I still get negative thoughts. I dunno what to do. I always ask Allah in every dua to clean my brain of all this mess n help me move in my life n make me the person I was before marriage with all that positive thinking n high values but still no improvement.

Please brothers and sisters help me get out of this mess. How can I motivate myself not to think n feel negative, how can i just let go all of this, ignore the unfairness of my inlaws n husband. Are there any hadiths and ayaths that could help me motivate to go towards positive direction, come out of this mess n let go all the crap around me. Please Please Please help me out!!! All this negativity is killing me.

[~Zaria~]

Wa-alaikumsalam sister,

I am sorry to hear of your situation.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you are feeling?
Would it be possible for you to contact a moulana/ imam at your local masjid or a muslim family/ marriage counsellor? - This will provide the platform for the 2 of you to address these concerns in the presence of a third party insha Allah.

May Allah Taa'la ease your affairs and fill your marriage with mutual love, honour and trust.
Ameen

[جوري]

Sometimes men aren't interested in sex not because they're 'mama's boys' but for a number of organic reasons especially with his repeated 'too tired' it might actually be legitimate - syndromes like including Low T and depression maybe a cause, so perhaps a physical and some blood work is prudent before jumping to conclusions?

may Allah :swt: rectify your affairs,


:w:

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

Here is not the same but a similar problem being brought up,hope it helps

http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/in...waId&Id=182533

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[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum,
Men are often portrated as beings for whom sex is a purely physical thing; but it isn't. Men have feelings to, and if he is disinterested in you, maybeit's not a physical thing, or not even a physical attraction thing. Maybe there's an emotional reason? Do you have an open communication? Have you worked out all the fights you've had lately or just brushed them under the carpet? Does either one of you, or possibly even both of you have a tendency to run away from fights rather then dealing with it? Sometimes people who're afraid that their relationship might end tend to avoid any confrontation. But ironacilly this behavior makes a break-up even more likely. the air needs to be cleared, things need to be dealt with. I dunno, maybe I'm completely off cue here. But from what you've told me, this is the first red flag I could think about...

[honey123]

Thank u brothers n sisters for ur advices but my concern over here is not my sexual life, em over it now, i dont want to be too pushy on my husband in this regard. I have left this thing totally to him, i dont demand it no more. I just added this thing to my post to let u all know how bad everythin is in my married life. Its not that i havent discussed all the issues with him, i have discussed everything with him more than a 100 times but whenever i try to discuss our problems he starts acting like Mr. Perfect n shuts me up by saying that there's nothing wrong with him or our relationship, this is only my thinking, i makeup all these things in my mind n i only need a reason to complain n blah blah. There are alot of issues in our marriage, if I start discussing them here this post will go forever.

The brainwashing n mama's boy thing has nothing to do with our sex life, u guys totally misunderstood me. When i say that his mother brainwashes him, it means that his behaviour isnt normal. the 1st year of our marriage was very beautiful, he used to give me surprises, take me out, he used to treat me with love. His mother didnt like it at all n slowly slowly all this stopped, there's no love in our relationship at all, everything between us is a loss n profit thing. He expects me to be a slave of his family n do everything to please them n does nothing in return for my family. He even doesnt goes to see my parents when we go to pakistan without invitation.

Anyways before I lose my track, all the above things are history but all these things turned me into a negative person. My biggest concern over here is to get rid of this negativity. If something good happens to his family, i dont feel happy, i always want bad things to happen to my husband n his family n i hate myself like this. I wasnt like this at all, even em surprised to see what a monster i have turned into. from the past 2 months em fighthing really hard not to think negative n want to think n feel good about everyone. I just want to let go all this hatred n negativity but em failing badly. How can I motivate myself to be on the right path n be the good n positive person i used to be before marriage

[Ali_008]

:wasalamex

Low sex drives can't be attributed to mothers' controlling behavior. Rather, if his mom was instigating him against you then sex would rather be used as a weapon. Having it excessively or asking for it at the most unconventional or uncomfortable times, if you know what I mean? Plus, other than the feelings part, avoiding intimacy means something is seriously wrong with your guy. Take him to a doctor.

Sister, every couple goes through phases of extreme dislike and disappointment towards each other. Don't worry about it. I do understand that the in-laws part must be filling your heart with endless disgust and anger, but you'll just have to deal with it. You can always try to get in the good books of some people, but rarely do you ever get to see the transformation you desire. Some people I know have tried it for years to no avail. It is not practical to expect roses in exchange of roses. Allah's Rasool :saws: was treated with pathetic responses for his invitation to the truth. In comparison to him, the rejection we receive is peanuts. You should try to work on your faith instead of hoping for others to change. You can only pray to Allah to soften their hearts, and keep sharing ilm-e-deen with them in order to achieve that. Simply talking about Qur'an and Ahadeeth has triggered faith in thousands of people.

For your own peace of mind, recite the Qur'an with translation everyday. Get yourself books of ahadeeth, and works of acclaimed scholars like Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn Qayyim, Ibn Rajab, Ibn Baaz, Shaikh Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy upon them all). Keeping touch with these things gives instant relief as you're reminded of the ultimate truth that this life is temporary, and the afterlife is perfect life because justice will finally prevail.

In addition to that I'd share something which I've learned from my own daily experiences. You don't need to worry about those people who are in sin, who backbite against you, who are your haters, because their ultimate rival is their own self. The company they have is nothing, but people who just want some gossip to distract their hearts that are restless due to lack of closeness to or remembrance of Allah. The people who they believe are their confidantes are their enemies, because the relationship is not blessed as it stands mostly on sin. They are after you only as means of a trial which Allah is testing you with. Allah wants to see your sabr. Allah is using them as tools to see how you prevail in His test.

No translation can give the perfect meaning of the Qur'an, but translations are the only resort for us lazy humbugs.

مَثَلُ الَّذِينَ اتَّخَذُوا مِن دُونِ اللَّهِ أَوْلِيَاءَ كَمَثَلِ الْعَنكَبُوتِ اتَّخَذَتْ بَيْتًا ۖ وَإِنَّ أَوْهَنَ الْبُيُوتِ لَبَيْتُ الْعَنكَبُوتِ ۖ لَوْ كَانُوا يَعْلَمُونَ

The parable of those who take protectors other than Allah is that of the spider, who builds (to itself) a house; but truly the flimsiest of houses is the spider's house;- if they but knew.
Surah # 29 - Surah Ankabut - Verse 41

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

You really need to see a marriage counselor, not an Imam, not a friend, not family - it might be a difficult step to take but it's the only proper one. They are the ones trained in reconciliation in marriage - preferably a Muslim counselor is better because they'll be sensitive to Islamic understanding and culture. Don't place your hopes on getting advice on marriage from an internet forum where people are mostly unmarried or not qualified in counseling.

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum
The reason I focussed on the sex part so much, was not because I think it's so important, but rather because it's a symptom of somehing important. There's obviously something wrong with the relationship from his point of view. That he dienies it just confirms my guess that he runs away from confrontation, maybe he's afraid that opening the proveberbial "can of worms" will be to much to deal with. Maybe if he feels he's "safe" to speak his mind without risk of hurting your feelings, or without fear of reprimand, or whatever his motive is, you can convince him it's in both of your best self-interest to get things squared away. That is off course the difficult part; find out what his motive is for denial. It could be a thousand different things. Also I agree with the other posters, getting a neutral part involved might do you good (marriage counceler or something).

[Muhaba]

I agree with everyone who says you should see a marriage counsellor (together). A marriage counsellor will work with you and help bring out the underlying problem.

The solution to your negativity is not patience or duas for removal of negativity but the removal of your problms. Everyone deserves a normal life. The human body/brain needs its needs fulfilled and when that is not done, depression, anger, and negativity are all normal reactions. Solving this problem with duas, zikr, medicine, TV, etc is not the proper way, because it is like pushing the problems aside instead of taking carre of them. The problms remain and may grow worse and in the long-term, your life will be worse not better.

Your husband needs to realize that your life is not normal and that you deserve a normal life and normal treatment. He needs to fix his behavior and if he can't or won't then let you go.

So the first step should be going to a counsellor. If he isnt wllling, then you should have someone talk to him about this, your father or an imam. make him understand that there is a problem and it needs to be dealt with.

[honey123]

Thank u everyone for the suggestions, I guess if everyone over here is suggesting that we should see a marriage counselor than that is the only way to make everything right. But the problem is

1) how am I going to convince my husband for that, according to him there is no problem between us n everything is perfect, if there is any problem its my thinking, so if I tell him that we should go to a marriage counselor he's probably going to tell me that i should go n see a psychiatrist because he's perfect according to him.

2) whenever i have tried to discuss problems between us with him he has always snubbed me, discouraged me, said heartbreaking things n made me feel bad so instead of having a normal conversation we end up having a fight which makes everything even worse. And yes one thing more I am not a smooth talker n my convincing powers are zero n he has this great convincing power so even if he does something wrong he turns everything around n blames it on me. So after all those fights and everything em now hesitant to talk to him cuz i dont want to get hurt again n again.

3) It's hard to find a pakistani muslim marriage counselor here in US n i prefer seeing a pakistani marriage counselor so that he is aware of our culture, religion n all n can guide us accordingly.

But talking to my husband about this is the hardest part. If I can somehow talk to him about seeing a counselor n convince him, everything else would not be a problem than.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

If you used to do certain things before that have changed, remind him of those things and ask him why he stopped doing them.
I think both people change during marriage, but that doesn't mean that they should lose respect with each other.
If you discuss things with him and are clearly hurt and show emotion, and he does not care, then I think he is just being mean and maybe there is no other problem except that he is disrespectful, and I don't mean to be rude when I say this about your husband because I don't know him, so please forgive me, I am just speculating. I also don't mean to think of the worst, but do you think maybe he is having a relationship outside of marriage? Sometimes if a man does this, he loses sexual interest in his wife, allahu a'lem. Men also tend to get aggressive or defensive when they don't want to be truthful about something.

He needs to communicate with you more and not be so closed up. It could also be that your way of communicating with him is not working either. I don't know how your husband is so I can't say what way will work best with him.

May allah grant your marriage success ameen.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum

Now, I would like to make another suggestion, but in advance I ask you not to take this the wrong way. I'm not here to point a finger or assign "guilt" to either party, just making practical suggestions to help you. Maybe you should start by changing yourself? You say that you have a problem talking with him, maybe you could learn some new techniques? Since I don't know what the problem between you two is, obviously I can't direct you as to what techniques might work for you. But eitherway it's never entirely one person's fault when communictaion between a couple breaks down. The way you describe his reaction, my guess would be that in a situation of conflict he feels "attacked" and thus as a natural reflex tries to defend himself. If this is the case, try choosing your words differently. If you notice your husband being defensive, rather then thinking "what's wrong with you, don't you love me enough to acknowledge your shortcomings?" try thinking "how can I defuse this situation and let him know that it's ok. Tell him you love him and you don't want to hurt him. Tell him you just think that you want to talk about things and that you're not out to blame him for anything.

Let me try with a hypotetical explenation:
Say that a husband always leaves the house in the morning without saying goodbye. The wife feels wronged by this, and wants to urge her husband to start doing this, for her emotional well-being and reasurance of their love. Now the way most people would go about this normally, they would confront the other with their deed, and argue that their deed is wrong/unacceptable/painfull etc... The husband in his defence might then argue that he's not to blame. His mornings are usually really hectic and he has to rush to work, and beside it's not a tradition within his family to kiss when the kids are around. she is being unreasable by demanding this.
Note that in this conflict, attempting to place guilt on either party doesn't help anyone. By placing the guilt on the other party the conflict only has more tension. A more pragmatical way to look at this issue, is to agree that the issue of guilt is of no importance here. Wheter it's the wife who's emotionally demanding, or the husband who's emotionally lacking does not change the matter. So if in this hypotetical the husband is the one with the commmunicationissues, I would advice the wife to be the bigger person and take the blame on her. Not because she is guilty, but because it gets her better results. If she were to confront the husband to say: "Listen honey, I know I'm very demanding, but I'mù an insecure person and it would really make me a happier person if you could kiss me goodbye before you leave in the morning.". Almost no man who has a heart will be able to deny this wish. So is it right that the woman should take the guilt here? No it's not right, but if it helps her it doesn't really hurt in this situation does it? something to think about.

There's also allot of books on these subjects; non-violent communication; communicationsskills for relationships and so on...

[honey123]

Thank u brothers and sisters for all the advices. Abdul Fattah I get your point, thank u so much, ur post really helped me n showed me a way how I can i fill in the communication gap between the two of us but as I mentioned earlier my communication skills n convincing power is zero, so I have to work on it hard. thank u for suggesting the books, I'll surely read them n hope that they help me out :)

[honey123]

And now the biggest concern to turn myself away from negativity, I would really appreciate if u all post some hadiths, ayats or links to such hadiths n ayats that could motivate me to forgive n forget n let go things n even be good to people who are being unfair n bad to me. Some Hadiths and ayats such that they say what reward would i get if someone does bad to me n instead of doing bad to them i show patience n the reward for being patient etc etc.

At this point i really need such hadiths n ayats so that i can keep them in front of me n read them daily to help me motivate to be a good person n let go all the unfairness n bad that people around me do to me