Getting over husband's past

[mominah]

Salam to all brothers and sisters ...I am new to this forum and I want to seek your opinions on something that has ruined my life. I am a married woman , 27 years of age. My husband is a nice man, very loving and understanding. We had our Nikahh in August 2012 and our wedding took place ( we started living together ) in December 2012. Just a week after our marriage , in Jan 2013 , i found out that my husband was in a relationship with a woman who happens to be her boss in his workplace and 10 years older than him (she is unmarried). He continued with the relationship even after our Nikah in August. Only a few days before our wedding in December he disclosed it to that lady that he has got married in August. they had a huge fight but then they reached this consensus that they will keep talking to each other as good friends and colleagues and every other thing is over . When i learnt about all this i was only 1 week into my marriage it was a huge shocker for me bacause after our nikah we had fallen in love with each other and i had been very very happy and it was hard for me to accept that in all this time he had been talking to and texting and meeting up with another woman as well. my husband was unaware that I have found out about his relationship. I could not find the courage to tell him and confront him. During all this time he was also worried about the possibility of me finding out about his past relationship. And since he was still friends with that lady and also because she was his boss , he still used to talk to her but not in front of me. He was trying to hide the fact that he talks to her boss at all. But I caught him talking on the phone alone many times. I was so hurt but i did not confront him and did not tell him that i know about her. I was also pregnant at that time and i caught my husband talking to somebody on the phone many times when i was not around and then deleting the caller's history later on. i was shattered. so finally i confronted with him and showed all the proofs and text messaged from his past and then he started crying and apologizing. He confessed that he never liked or loved her but only to get some benefits in his job he encouraged her advances. He told me and i beleived him that it was her who was interested in him but he was never emotionally attached to her and never loved her or anything but only being nice to her to please the boss and not lose the job as he was in need of money at that time. He had told her clearly that he doesnt love her but he continued talking to her and never really discouraged her when she sent him lovey dovey texts and emails, instead he was being overly nice with her. They even went shopping together once or twice I even found a few text messaged sent by my husband containing effectionate words and stuff. i know that my husband loves me and hes not in a relationship with her anymore and he is otherwise the nicest man ever but i cant get over his past and the fact that he is still working with her in the same office and she still talks to him about office matters and calls him up every other day and he still choose to hide it from me that she called him by deleting her texts and calls history all this is so disturbing for me and sometimes make me suspicious.i love my husband to the core but i had been through so much i had a miscarriage and we lost our child during all this trauma. my husband cant leave this job before sepetember his contract will be over in september. Please advice on me how to deal with all this hurt and how to start trusting my husband again. God bless you all.

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I'm sorry for your loss sis, and I'm deeply saddened by your husbands actions. May Allah grant you patience and ease your affairs ameen.

Personally, I would divorce him and forget about him. Forgive me for saying this, but it might be a blessing that you lost the baby because then you wouldn't have anything linking you together if he continued on this path and you did decide to leave. What he did was undoubtedly wrong and I would not trust him if it's that easy to fall into sin. At what cost was his dignity??

If you still want to remain with him and learn to trust him again (which it seems like you do) then I suggest maybe talking to an imam who might help counsel you both. It will take time to trust again, because this isn't something that's easy to get over. He should try to find a different job if he truly is committed to you, because it would be stupid to remain around the same person who is continuously trying to seduce him and contact him. It doesn't sound right to me and I'm glad it doesn't sound right to you accepting this either. Try to use your head instead of your heart on this one.

I hope everything will go better for you and may Allah guide your husband ameen!

fi aman allah
w'salaam