Desperately, Confusingly In Love PART 1

[Tiara B]

Salams!
I just feel so confused and emotionally..unstable right now that I thought, yea time to let out your feelings girl, seek for help.
So please whoever is out there, I just want you to listen to me, as I have got no one to talk to about this.
Well its a long story so ive divided it into parts.
So here's the story...
PART 1
Five years ago, I was seated in front of the pc. And ting! I recieved a message from my cousin brother who was 18 then (23 now) and I was just 14 (19 now). So we were chatting for a while and...I dunno how but we ended up talking really serious stuff. Seriously personal stuff. Sigh ok I'll give you a hint. He knows stuff a girl would never tell a guy, or her parents. Or let's face it, her friends. Sigh. It was too personal but don't worry, he told me stuff too. But that was just one night and all was forgotten and we never even mentioned it in the years to come. He and I are not really close, he being my dad's sister's son. I always tend to feel shy among men. But believe me I regretted that incident like crazy.
So 5 years passed and I got a new phone. Joined whatsapp. Had these group convos with my cousins. And once again I found myself having private convos with my cousin brother. Well he started it. I was surprised to see a private message from him saying,"remember that convo? Unforgettable huh?"
And I'm like, OMG!! I was freaking out and scared and excited, all at once! And from there, it started...All. Over. Again. We started talking even more personal stuff. We would tease each other. I would call him gay. He would call me a lesbo. I would call him a womanizer. Then he would say, you sleep with guys and I would say I saw condoms in your drawer...bla bla. Me, being a very reserved girl, who has never spoken to non mahram guys (except this one time on facebook and to my other cousin brothers), a shy and quiet girl who doesn't watch movies alone thinking that her parents would get the impression that she is watching something bad. Me! I couldn't believe it! We told each other secrets that we had never shared with anyone else. Yes. It went that far.
I would wait longingly for him to come online. We would stay up like till 2 in the morning, chatting. I was immersed in a new, exciting world. I would get chills when he'd send me a message. My hands would shiver and go numb to read his words. My heart would do somersaults (yea even I thought it was not possible) just to think of it all.
But slowly, as time passed...our conversations would dwindle from almost everyday to once a week. Then once a month. I would stay up for hours at night, waiting for that much anticipated "ting" of the phone, often waking up every two hours to check for unread messages...but no, most of the time it would be empty. My heart would just...crack. I don't know how. My eyes would sting and there is this heavy feeling where I can't seem to breathe properly. Why, why won't he talk to me now? What did I do?

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

If you like this guy, then the subject of marriage can be broached. If he doesn't wish to marry you, then leave it and forget about it. It's a sin.

[Alpha Dude]

Talking to him in that manner is lust. Not love. When a man & woman are alone, shaytan is the third.

[IAmZamzam]

Dude, at least wait for her to finish the story. That was marked "part one".

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[Tiara B]

U know what, i dont want to continue. It just seems all so stupid and silly to me now. i know what i have done is wrong. i told him that what we are doing is wrong and that we should never continue this hereafter, he agreed. thats it. end of story. maybe someday i will get over my feelings. someday.

[Tiara B]

And thankyou for having the patience to read it.

[Tiara B]

Assalamu Alaikum.
I'm back with the next problem.
After reading the above replies, I was so scared that I had sinned, that I became too hasty and I actually made a promise to Allah saying that I would never talk to my cousin again (in private).
So I told my cousin that I made a promise like this and I will never talk to him in private anymore. He was kinda baffled.
But now I feel like I have hurt him. It doesn't feel right. I want to go back and undo the promise I made.
What ill happen if I break the promise?
I need help.

[Periwinkle18]

Sis listen to me talk to ur mum plz tell her u like him they'll arrange ur marriage or something buh plz do talk to her.

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

You've done the right thing. You felt guilty and took steps to make things right.

But now I feel like I have hurt him. It doesn't feel right. I want to go back and undo the promise I made.

Don't worry, that's just shaytanic whispers. Ignore them. You have definitely done the right thing. In fact, you need to worry what Allah will think more than what this boy will (and don't worry, it's not like he's going to be moping about it forever).

If you like each other then marriage still stands as an option, otherwise no contact.

[Tiara B]

Alpha Dude, I cannot agree more to what you said. He is definitely not going to be moping about it forever (I actually found that hilarious). But yea, seeking Allah's pleasure comes first.
And about the idea of marriage...nw that I think about it, I'm not sure whether it is actually love or simply lust. Because those converstaions we had turned things towards a completely new direction, I have no idea where it took us. But I'm not going to dwell on it. Whatever Allah wills will happen.
Periwinkle 18, I could NEVER tell my mom about this! No way! ;P

[tigerkhan]

:sl:
since you r under 20, i will suggest u to simply cut any connection with ur cousin. there is no care for the feeling of other by making Allah SWT angry with us. learn more about Islam and strength ur eman. keep company of pious sisters.

[Periwinkle18]

Alpha Dude, I cannot agree more to what you said. He is definitely not going to be moping about it forever (I actually found that hilarious). But yea, seeking Allah's pleasure comes first.
And about the idea of marriage...nw that I think about it, I'm not sure whether it is actually love or simply lust. Because those converstaions we had turned things towards a completely new direction, I have no idea where it took us. But I'm not going to dwell on it. Whatever Allah wills will happen.
Periwinkle 18, I could NEVER tell my mom about this! No way! ;P

Hmm well then just listen to what the others r saying leave it :) if you can't tell your mum then its no use talking to him (meaning ur cousin anymore)

N sis its just shaitan InshaAllah you'll b fine just don't talk to him much hea ur cousin u will v seeing him buh don't talk much n ifbu really really love him then the only option you have is to marry him n for that you'll have to tell ur mum :p

May Allah help you may He bless you and keep u happy ameen :)

[Tiara B]

I am psycho

[Periwinkle18]

No ur not.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you need to step away from whatevers making you think that your psycho and do some supplementary worship to cleanse your heart. .

sincere advice

[Periwinkle18]

^ sis the akhi's right. Ur just gng crazy Cuz u keep thinking abt it. You need to give ur self a break!