Dealing with relatives who gossip behind our back?

[anonymous]

How do you deal with such people? There are a few people in my family(relatives) that gossip and talk stuff behind my family back. And everytime I meet them I fake smile because I dont want to seem rude, while it does me really angry knowing that they are talking behind about us when where are not there and they are smiling in our face. Can you believe that a 60-70 year old and 40+ years old people do such things? I guess not every adult is muture.

What can I do according to Islam?

[Alpha Dude]

Leave them to it. Sit back and gain reward for being patient.

[anonymous]

Thanks Alpha Dude. It does disturb me, but I guess I have to keep fake smiling in their faces and be nice for the sake of Allah.

These people( my grandmother which is my fathers mother and one of my aunts) are backbiting A LOT behind people back. They stole money from my grandmothers sister who has dementia, I think it was 10 000 dollars. When they(my fathers mother and aunt) would go for a trip to dubai, they left her(my demented grandmother) to an older relative who is too old to take care of her.

May Allah give me patience to deal with such kind of people, but I am sick and tired of their behaviour. Its beyond me how anyone can behave like that when they are adults? I am too young(20-24) to tell them anything. It would be seen as disrespectful.

[anonymous]

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[Alpha Dude]

Is your father alive? Does he say anything to them about this?

If you did it, yes, it would be considered disrespectful by them and would just make things worse. Your father or any other elder needs to have a word with them, ideally.

[Periwinkle18]

Oh dear this happens a lot

Best thing to do is stay away from them or change the topic.

If you can't do that remain silent don't say a word Cuz if anything comes out of ur mouth Ur doomed trust me.

I just go somewhere else don't stay in the same room as I don't want to hear ppl backbite abt others. N you can't say stuff to grown ups they'll say u have no manners.

[anonymous]

Is your father alive? Does he say anything to them about this?

If you did it, yes, it would be considered disrespectful by them and would just make things worse. Your father or any other elder needs to have a word with them, ideally.

He is alive, but I have never talked about these things with him. Only my mother.

The reason my mother dont want to have a word with them is because she dont want to break the relationship with them. As you know, it is a big sin to break a relationship with your relatives. I guess we have to be patient.

[anonymous]

Oh dear this happens a lot

Best thing to do is stay away from them or change the topic.

If you can't do that remain silent don't say a word Cuz if anything comes out of ur mouth Ur doomed trust me.

I just go somewhere else don't stay in the same room as I don't want to hear ppl backbite abt others. N you can't say stuff to grown ups they'll say u have no manners.

Good advice. Thanks :)

[Insaanah]

:sl:

I am too young(20-24) to tell them anything. It would be seen as disrespectful.

What can I do according to Islam?

Nobody is too young to correct another. You are an adult. The fact that they're a generation ahead, doesn't mean that you should leave them to sin. It might be that they don't know the sin of backbiting. It is better for you to say something to them politely (even if they see that as being disrespectful), rather than leaving it. Maybe on the day of qiyaamah they will say to you, why didn't you correct us?

You don't have to do it directly, maybe bring up some talk about Allah and his prophet :saws: generally, and then drop it in casually, about how Allah and his prophet forbade backbiting, how it is like eating the flesh of one's dead brother (Qur'an 49:12), and may be supported with a few relevant hadeeth. If after you've done that, they still persist, then at least you've done your duty.

Remember that Ali ibn Abi Talib (may Allah be pleased with him) at the age of 10, when he embraced Islam, did not avoid Islam in fear of the persecution he might receive from non-Muslims for embracing Islam, or from fear of being seen as a traitor by the clan that might react negatively to it. He did what he knew to be right by Allah.

In one hadeeth, the deen is mentioned as being an-naseehah (commonly translated as sincere advice):

And as for the Naseehah to the common folk of the Muslims, and they are those who are other than the rulers, then it involves guiding them towards that which will correct their affairs of both this life and the next, and helping them in that. And it involves protecting them from harm, and helping them in times of need, and acquiring what is beneficial for them, and ordering them with al-Ma'roof (good) and forbidding them from al-Munkar (evil) with kindness and sincerity, and showing mercy towards them. And it involves honouring and respecting their elders, and showing kindness to their youngsters, and supporting them with good advice.

http://www.islaam.net/main/display.php?id=136&category=

We must sincerely advise our fellow Muslims about what is best for them in their faith and their worldly lives and teach them what is right. We must exhort them to what is right and forbid them from what is wrong and do so with the intention that they should benefit from it.

http://en.islamtoday.net/artshow-426-3206.htm

Make du'aa for them also.

And Allah knows best, and may He forgive me if I said anything wrong.

[anonymous]

Thanks sister. My grandmother and one of my aunts dont live in the same country as I do, but one of my aunts does. I will try to tell her, but how will I bring that up in a conversation without "disrespecting" her? She is not "religious" either. :/

[Amat Allah]

Our precious sister Insaanah is right,

Give your advice according the Deen in the best manners and after that you are free to leave the place when they start eating others flesh...remind them my dear relying on Allah then leave it if there will be no use...you have done your part and the Hidayah is in Allah's hands...

When I be with such people and they start talking about others; I say Astaghfero Allah please leave that person alone we are not in need of others sins we allready have ours may Allah guide them and us and hide their errors Ameeen then i say anyway and change the topic...

The way of Naseeha is according the one whom you are dealing with cause sometimes some people need a so strong speech (not crossing the Adab and Akhlaaq limits of course) to be reminded but some other people will never listen to ya if using such way but the nice way with simple words as a mother talking to her lil child and some people accept from ya when ya make it as a joke laughing and saying Astaghfero Allah for Allah's sake you are so funny but Allah won't Be pleased with us talking about His Ibaad that way; then tell about something funny happened with ya ... people are different so, you really need to know how to address others minds and hearts before any thing... age matters not when it comes to Allah's limits; it is the way you deal with others in...

And Allah knows the best always.

[Amat Allah]

Maybe through some story?

before everything you need to clear your heart towards them at once just for Allah's sake...forgive them and try to open a new white page of life with them...Allah knows maybe you will be able to see them today or soon but next time who knows when death will visit us and where?

try not tol listen to anybody comes to ya and say so and so said and said about you and your family...you just say please stop,i don't wanna know May Allah guide them and us Ameeen cause that won't benefit ya in any way but will fill your heart with anger and maybe hatred...that's it.

[Alpha Dude]

Thanks sister. My grandmother and one of my aunts dont live in the same country as I do, but one of my aunts does. I will try to tell her, but how will I bring that up in a conversation without "disrespecting" her? She is not "religious" either. :/

She belongs to a different generation with a different mode of thinking and will most definitely find you annoying and disrespectful for saying to the effect: "it's haram to backbite, didn't you know?".

Nah, you can't do that and not expect any kind of backlash. That approach is just going to make it worse.

You say she is not religious to start with, in which case that is what you need to concentrate on. You need to guide her into being religious. Back-biting is just a symptom of that bigger problem. Focus on that and if she takes heed (and guidance is in the hands of Allah alone) her back-biting and gossiping will automatically solve itself out as she grows in her connection with Allah.

You need to make sincere dua for her guidance.

[Amat Allah]

you have mentioned above that they are old...what easier than dealing with precious old people? old you need is respect, humbleness, warmth and love to deal with them...show them so much of care my dear and try to share some stories with them and drag that reminder in the middle but not in a direct way... I think you can do it if thinking abit, you have lived with them more than anyone of us and you do know what topics they prefer.

try to ask Qs about their early life their old memories such as: Grandma! tell me about you when you were in my age, were you quite or just loved to play? Grandma love, what kind of games you used to play in old times? were you cooking the same as those dishes we are having these days? Do you have a picture of yours?

try to be nice and innocent with them so warm as a mother so light as a child...May Allah have mercy on my grandpas and grandmas Ameeen imsad

[anonymous]

She belongs to a different generation with a different mode of thinking and will most definitely find you annoying and disrespectful for saying to the effect: "it's haram to backbite, didn't you know?".

Nah, you can't do that and not expect any kind of backlash. That approach is just going to make it worse.

You say she is not religious to start with, in which case that is what you need to concentrate on. You need to guide her into being religious. Back-biting is just a symptom of that bigger problem. Focus on that and if she takes heed (and guidance is in the hands of Allah alone) her back-biting and gossiping will automatically solve itself out as she grows in her connection with Allah.

You need to make sincere dua for her guidance.

I agree with you. They are somalis, and only if you knew how sensitive older somalis are when you are trying to correct them. I know it will backlash if I say something. I think it is important to point out that I have never meet my grandmother and one of my aunts. The other aunt(that is not religious), I have known her my whole life and know her very well.

How can I help her be religious? Especially when she is 40+ and I am 20-24? And she is using riba money as well. I pray for her after I do salah. I wish sinceraly that Allah would guide her to the right path, and her husband is a king(metaphorically). He is such a nice man and I want to him to be guided as well. My aunt is nice, but she does bad things as well.

I am really confused about what I should do.:cry:

[Amat Allah]

May Allah Be with you Ameeen