Islamic Rules for Breaking-off an Engagement

[Trying2bbetter]

Salaam everyone,

I feel Islam is a religion which takes care of people's feelings quite a lot. If we followed the Quraan perfectly, no one would get hurt by our actions/intentions. :statisfie

However, we aren't perfect:-[. Although engagements are not an Islamic concept, the whole "agreement" of getting married is (I mean Islamically you don't just go out & get married one day, it takes time to judge whether you want to get married to someone or not).

Supposing two people really like each other & both have intentions of getting married. Then one day one of them decides to break it off (that person thinks it will be better for them self - a pretty selfish reason). Would it be Islamically wrong for that person to break it off? Is there any evidence that Islam discourages breaking off engagements/relationships where there was an intention to marry between two people? Will the person breaking the relationship off go to hell or something - because of hurting the other persons feelings & because of being selfish?


Because if we look at the situation in worldly terms, it's kinda unfair on the other person (it's quite heart-breaking). And most things which don't feel right are usually non-Islamic, unless it's the Shaytaan making you feel that way. And although the whole fiancee concept is non-Islamic, Islam does allow two individuals to talk to each other before getting married (as long as it's not about anything obscene) right? But now one of the partners has become selfish & has really hurt the other person. Not to forget, there's also the whole thing about Hukook-Ul-Ibaad (the fact that Allah won't forgive people who hurt other people, Allah will ask the people hurt if they forgive us)..


Question> Are there any guidelines on what Islam allows/disallows when it comes to breaking off engagements/relationships?


Again, I DO know it's non-Islamic for people to be in relationships, but suppose they are trying to be better Muslims now, what advice is there in the Quraan/Hadith that could help people understand what is right & what is wrong in Allah's view?

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister.

You are asking about breaking the promise to marry someone, aren't you?. Okay, the question is, this breach of the agreement happen before or after "khitbah"?.

Khitbah is Shar'i process of proposing marriage which done Islamicaly.

Promise to marry someone that spoken not in Khitbah actually is not a valid promise. If man and woman make relationship but then one of them break this relationship, it's not considered as breach of the agreement in Islam.

Different than breaking promise after Khitbah. If a man propose marriage Islamicaly, the woman agree to marry him, her wali agree too, and they start to determine the date for nikah, but suddenly one party cancel this marriage plan without valid reason, .... this is a breach of the agreement which Islamic law applies on it.

Some Ulema who said that this agreement may be broken the person who break this agreement should do Kafarat (redemption), but other Ulema said This agreement must be kept and should not be broken.

However, we must see this matter case per case. Of course there is difference between break the agreement to marry (after Khitbah) because one party suddenly attracted to someone else and case which one party caught lie, in example, before Khitbah the man said he is a manager in company, but after khitbah the woman know that this man actually doesn't have a job.

[Trying2bbetter]

Thank you for the response brother Ardianto.



I hadn't heard of Khitba before, so thanks for informing me. I Googled it & found this on another website. (I'm assuming it applies to both men & women):



"All perfect praise be to Allaah, the Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad (pbuh), is His Slave and Messenger.

When a suitor does not marry his fiancée, this does not necessarily feature injustice to her, particularly if he does so for fear that he may not fulfill her rights. Consequently, she is not permitted to supplicate Allaah The Almighty against him or his sisters for this reason. Supplicating Allaah The Almighty against any Muslim without justification is a form of transgression in supplication and this is prohibited.
Shaykh-ul-Islam, Ibn Taymiyyah (RA) said, “It is prohibited to transgress in supplication for Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {But do not transgress. Indeed, Allaah does not like transgressors.} [Quran 2: 190] Transgression could be committed either in the manner of supplication or in the object that is sought by supplication.”

Even if one is oppressed, he is not permitted to supplicate by asking for oppression, severing kinship ties, or for anything that may cause greater pain than that which was experienced by the oppressed person. It is better for him not to supplicate Allaah The Almighty against the oppressor in principle; rather, he should be patient, forgiving and entrust his affairs to Allaah The Almighty. If he wants to supplicate against the oppressor, he is permitted to supplicate in a way that is equal to the injustice that he suffers; otherwise, he is deemed a transgressor in supplication.
Allaah Knows best."

[CosmicPathos]

I dont see how it is a selfish thing to call off the engagement if one of the person feels he deserves better..

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[Trying2bbetter]

I dont see how it is a selfish thing to call off the engagement if one of the person feels he deserves better..

Thanks for the thoughts CosmicPathos. There are 2 things..

First of all, I personally think it is kind of selfish if you've intended to enter into a (marriage) contract, but then decide to back-off. If you hadn't made a promise/intent it would've been a different thing, however you did & now the other person suffers for no reason (technically if they had followed Islamic principles none of them would've been hurt by this situation, but then no one's perfect right?). You have your heart set on someone & one day "Miss/Mr 2" comes out of nowhere & steals your love. Whatever happened to sincerity? imsad


Secondly there's a difference between "deserve" & "opportunity". Someone who has the opportunity to get better doesn't necessarily "deserve" better. I guess that's in Allah's hands though. People can just try to be good, it'd just be much simpler if we could get clear cut answers to everything in life. :?

[CosmicPathos]

Thanks for the thoughts CosmicPathos. There are 2 things..

First of all, I personally think it is kind of selfish if you've intended to enter into a (marriage) contract, but then decide to back-off. If you hadn't made a promise/intent it would've been a different thing, however you did & now the other person suffers for no reason (technically if they had followed Islamic principles none of them would've been hurt by this situation, but then no one's perfect right?). You have your heart set on someone & one day "Miss/Mr 2" comes out of nowhere & steals your love. Whatever happened to sincerity? imsad


Secondly there's a difference between "deserve" & "opportunity". Someone who has the opportunity to get better doesn't necessarily "deserve" better. I guess that's in Allah's hands though. People can just try to be good, it'd just be much simpler if we could get clear cut answers to everything in life. :?

I see where you are coming from.

But you are missing few important points, in my humble view.

If someone promised to marry, later they realize that they do not want to marry for whatever reason, I do not think that is selfish. These sort of promises are not binding as we know our likes/dislikes continue to evolve and change. I guess the only constant in this universe is change.

As for being hurt, no wonder this world is called a house of pain. We better get good at enduring the "hurt." There is no reason to complain. women hurt men. men hurt women. It is a cycle going on from eternity and will keep on going. Let's adapt to it.

w salam

[Trying2bbetter]

I see where you are coming from.
These sort of promises are not binding as we know our likes/dislikes continue to evolve and change. I guess the only constant in this universe is change.

As for being hurt, no wonder this world is called a house of pain. We better get good at enduring the "hurt." There is no reason to complain. women hurt men. men hurt women. It is a cycle going on from eternity and will keep on going. Let's adapt to it.

w salam

It's true that we continue to change (progress), but when it comes to loving someone you don't simply fall out of love - love can't possibly be that weak can it? It's all about sacrifice. And when you DO really love someone you think about what's best for them before you think about what's best for yourself.


I don't mean to be rude, but don't you think it's a little cynical to call the world a "house of pain"? Yeah we often hurt one another but I genuinely believe no one ever means to hurt anyone else. If you know what it's like to get hurt you'd NEVER want someone else to go through that pain right? Don't you think the world is better today than it was in the past? I think we're progressing > becoming more aware (emotionally and mentally) :)


And one more thing, if we speak on general terms, it's usually the MEN that hurt people. Women are usually really soft-hearted. :statisfie

[CosmicPathos]

It's true that we continue to change (progress), but when it comes to loving someone you don't simply fall out of love - love can't possibly be that weak can it?

Love, huh? What is love? The desire to copulate with each other is given the nice name "love." Come on, let's be real here. If the man turns out impotent with penile dysfunction on his wedding night, his wife's love for him would go down south. If the woman could not produce children, that man might want to marry another woman. Happens around us all the time.

If mothers can abort their babies, what possibility remains that there is anything called "love" on this planet Earth? None. Zilch.

It's all about sacrifice. And when you DO really love someone you think about what's best for them before you think about what's best for yourself.

No. When alpha personalities get hurt by members of their own species, these personalities want to take revenge and "teach a lesson" to the rest of mankind, so to speak. I've seen this trend more and more. I probably am guilty of that in some aspects of my own personal life too.

I don't mean to be rude, but don't you think it's a little cynical to call the world a "house of pain"? Yeah we often hurt one another but I genuinely believe no one ever means to hurt anyone else. If you know what it's like to get hurt you'd NEVER want someone else to go through that pain right? Don't you think the world is better today than it was in the past? I think we're progressing > becoming more aware (emotionally and mentally) :)

World today is more evil, more painful, more wicked, more sinister, not just a house of pain, but a house of devil. And I dont mind being called cynical. I actually feel very happy and proud that I like to travel the unbeaten path.

And one more thing, if we speak on general terms, it's usually the MEN that hurt people. Women are usually really soft-hearted. :statisfie

I do not believe you. Statistics upon statistics show that more than 70% of divorces in North America are initiated by women in courts. Clearly shows that women are no more soft hearted any more than men are. I'd go on to say that men are more soft hearted. They lay their life for their country, for loyalty and for family. I rarely have heard of a woman say "I will give my life for my country and for my family."

One field of medicine is called geriatrics. We are beginning to find that abuse against the elderly of our communities is most often done by women who take care of them.

Please check the bold reply.

[ardianto]

You're welcome, sis.

When a suitor does not marry his fiancée, this does not necessarily feature injustice to her, particularly if he does so for fear that he may not fulfill her rights.

When a man propose marriage to a woman, actually he makes a promise to marry this woman and he should keep this promise. Break the promise is not a behavior of those who have iman.

However, the woman should not make difficulty that make this man cannot keep his promise. If a man break the promise to marry a woman because this woman make difficulty, it's not this man fault.

What's the written above is refer to actual cases that, unfortunately, often happen among Muslims in certain places. A man propose marriage to a woman and accepted, but then this woman ask big mahr that beyond this man ability. It's make this man doubt he cannot fulfill what this woman want and he decide to break his promise to marry her.