View Full Version : i need advice about my sister..

04-30-2013, 02:02 AM
My sister is 15 years old and I'm 22. She is my world. But she really upsets me without knowing it.
She has a boyfriend that she told me about and i know him, he may be nice and that but she knows I've told her she shouldn't be in no relationship.. I want to do something about it but without telling my mum because mum would be sooo hurt. I honestly cannot stand seeing my mum upset.
Today, well about 15 mins ago she went to sleep and put her phone on charge next to me, I was just looking through her phone and read a message she sent to her 'bf' saying how my mum dont care about her, wishes she was dead, and how mum dont trust her etc, how we dont care. Thinking about the long message it really hurt me and made me cry.

My sis is pretty rude, she answers back and sometimes me and mum think that she only ever thinks about herself - I think its cause shes young and naive and so doesnt understand. But I know me and mum could go against the world for her (what parent wouldnt?). She doesnt see everything mum does for us.. no one could understand unless they were us.. cause my dad seriously does jack ****.

I always try to say things to her in a nice way but sometimes she throws things back in my face and makes me feel like ****.
I just wish she wasn't in a relationship, i dont want her to go to hell. I don't know what to do because she dont listen and she's getting out of control.
It hurts so much that she dont understand anything, she dont understand why mum doesnt trust her, and thinks mum dont care about her at all.

I dont know what to do. I dont want her to do anything stupid. A few days ago I was praying to Allah that He helps me with my sisters situation and the bf situation and that same day later on she told me her bf might move school! I was so happy!

Any help/ Advice?

Can I kindly ask for everyone to remember her and my mum in your blessed duas please, It's so hard for me because it concerns my mum and sis.

Jazak'Allah Khair.

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04-30-2013, 03:28 PM
Assalamu alaikum

You should continue to advise her, and tell her it's wrong to have a boyfriend. If it has to be a secret, it's not worth having because even if she's scared of your mom finding out, Allah already knows and she can't hide anything from Him. Without letting her know you snooped through her phone, you should address some of the ways she's been feeling by letting her know you're there for her. Try to connect with her more and let her know that you "feel" that she's not happy with those around her so she's seeking the attention of others. It might let her open up to you more about her issues, maybe that's all she needs. Even if the boy is decent, you should tell her to find other ways to busy herself because she doesn't know what the future will hold and she might regret her decisions. Shaitan will definitely find a way to make them both fall into error if they remain to stay in a secret relationship.

Usually kids who are ungrateful are the ones who get everything they want, yet if they don't get one little thing or attention, they think the world is against them. You should find a way to take her somewhere where you and her could do some charity work so she could realize what blessings she has.

Continue to make du'a inshallah. Keep reminding her of these things. Even though it may seem like she isn't listening or appreciating your advise, it will hit her one day and she will know that you did everything to help her.

fi aman Allah

Hamza Asadullah
04-30-2013, 04:33 PM

In effect you are allowing your sister an easy ride in order to continue doing what she is doing in terms of her haraam relationship aswell as bad attitude. You have already advised your sister but she does not seem to take what you say seriously but she will certainly take what your Mother takes seriously so you should certainly tell your mother and not hide it from her anymore as you have already done what you can for her by advising her against having a haraam relationship. You should put yourself in your mothers situation. If you wrre a mother and this was hidden from you then how would you feel?

What if your mother finds out by herself anyway somehow or another then she will definately be much more hurt knowing that you knew about this but didnt tell her. It will of course hurt her to find out daughter that one of her daughters is living a secret life having relations with a strange boy. But it will hurt her far more knowing it was hidden from her and the fact that because you have hidden it then it allowed her to continue having haraam relations with a strange boy. That will hurt her far more.

So you should not let your younger sister continue to have haraam relations with a strange boy by not telling your mother as telling her is the best chance your sister has of changing her ways as your sister needs to be told by your mother as she has some fear of her but she does not have any fear of you and that is why what you say to her has unfortunately has no weight.

The worst thing you can do is to continue to hide her sin and allow her to continue having relationships with strange boys. That boy may move school but there will be other boys as a person who has begun having haraam relations with one person will easily fall into another one with another person. Especially in the type of environments we have in todays schools where relations with the opposite sex are seen as the norm.

So tell your mother about her having haraam relations and also about her bad attitude and what you read in her phone as there may be issues to do with communication etc that maybe your Mother can address. Do let your mother deal with your sister because a child who is going astray needs discipline from parents in order to correct them. Your relationship with her is like a friend/sister so she will never take you seriously. She will always get defensive if you approach her and reverse things back to you so no point trying anymore. Let your Mother deal with her as she has gone astray enough without you allowing her to go more astray by huding her sin and bad attitude problems.

On top of that give her much dawah by reminding her of death and the hereafter. Send her texts, lectures, e mails etc and watch beneficial Islamic lectures in front of her. Most of all make much Dua for her.

May Allah guide us all to that which will please him and away fromthat which brings his displeasure. Ameen

04-30-2013, 05:24 PM
:salam: sister,

I think that you are in a very sensitive postion at the moment, and so you need to think carefully before deciding upon your response to this situation.

On the one hand, your sister obviously trusts you enough to reveal her secrets to you - and it is important to try to preserve this trust as much as is possible under the circumstances.
On the other hand, her actions need to be addressed directly - to protect her and her imaan in shaa Allah.

Perhaps, as a start, you can sit down with her and discuss openly about why these types of relationships are impermissible, as well as dangerous for her.

Speak about how much Allah (subhanawatáala) loves her by blessing her with health, provisions, etc.....and that by causing His displeasure, He can snatch away these bounties at any point in time.
Speak about how suddenly death can strike a person, irrespective of age - perhaps even when in the midst of engaging in haraam......and discuss how such fleeting pleasures are not worth sacrifising ones Aakhirah for.
Speak about her reputation that she is possibly gaining in the community......does she wish to be a young muslimah who is known to be involved with guys at such an earlier age?
Speak about the importance of focussing on what is important at this point in time in her life - striving towards gaining an education, and developing herself.....rather than wasting time on something that only holds promise of ruin in ones life and aakhirah.

If she does not agree/ is defensive - then you will have no choice but to inform your mum about her doings.
However, do inform her first of this.....as she had trusted you with this information in the first place.
You can possibly say that if she is not willing to drop all contact with her bf, then it leaves you with no choice but to let your mother know about it.
And that you are doing so, purely out of love for her, and wanting what is best for her in the long run.

You should realise that she is in the teenage years - when hormones are bouncing wildly, and she is beginning to discover herself as a young woman.....desiring the attention of the opposite gender, with strong influences from peer pressure.
Which is why it would be important to look into the type of friends that she is befriending.
As well as, if possible, to consider segregated/ girls-only schooling at this stage.

While it may be possible to protect her from this particular boy, the fact that she is already showing such interests, means that this can occur again......only, the next time you will not be informed of her companionships.

Its also important that Islam and its teachings are being promoted and displayed from your home.
e.g. At her age, hijab needs to be enforced.
Islamic classes/ after-school madrassah lessons needs to be on-going (often this lapses in high-school years).
And take her along to islamic events/ lectures/ sisters halqa groups, etc......whereby, the company that she is keeping becomes one that will in shaa Allah, be a means of uplifting her imaan.

All the best sister.

And remember, dont give up on her!
Shes still young, naii've and going through a 'rebellious' period of life, where she thinks that she knows whats best for her.
Many of us went through this phase.....and alhamdullah, with the guidance of Allah and our families, we came out alive : )
( I remember being a little tomboy when I was in high-school - I was horrified just to wear a dress! And now.....subhanAllah : ))


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04-30-2013, 09:30 PM
dont expect any good in the face of persisting evil.

sincere advice

stamp out the evil. then maybe some good - after sincere repentance and effort - can begin to show.

it shows a serious lack of islam that you being so much older would allow your youngr sister to be this.

dont see this as judging but as serious and strong advice as it was ntended.

i would takr the following steps.

put her in her place by taking away her phone - prvent all facebook/twitter etc and make sure she cantuse the computer unless under my supervision until i trust her.

escort her to and back from school until i trust her whilst taking the teachers numbers ti ensure she is where she should be.

if she dares go against me she will see her life turn upside down. she may resent me for a long while but the love i show her whilst i di this and the care i take of her well being will be evident. i will always give gentle reminders about the reality of this world etc.

i have done smething similar to this before and i advise you do the same

05-01-2013, 05:55 AM
i personally don't think forcing or pushing can work out for her as she is a teen. let suppose u tell mom and restrained her from contact with that boy, but there are chances that next time she will even keep it secret from u. i agree u r in a difficult situation so be wise and patient...sometime the kids got issues when things r forced on them from parents rather than to be educated in kind and polite way.... unfortunately i see some parents order alot and teach v.less. its good if she is close with u and she trust u, try to make her understand in polite way. try to teach her about virtues of modesty, shyness and chastity from quran and hadith and let her know about punishments for shamelessness as well. Ask your mom to to consult and sort out why she is unhappy with her in kind way. may Allah SWT guide her to the right. ameen.

Innocent Soul
05-02-2013, 03:01 AM
You have got many good advice. I just want to say you something don't get hurt when you try to make her understand something's she might behave rudely but you know how teens act when you tell them what they are doing is wrong. Apart from this whole matter try to make her believe in god. She is just in her starting teens and you have to teach her a lot of things and about islam also.
Don't break her trust let her share all her issues with you. When tell her some things she might beangry at you but Inshallah she will understand about it. Try to make your mum do things because of which they think that someone loves them. You always know what things make a girl happy. These all might not be easy for you as it is for us to say but always purify your intentions and start your work with all faith in Allah.

Always remember Allah and strengthen your relationship with Him.

You and your sister are in our prayers.

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