Childhood troubles

[anonymous]

:sl:

I hope everyone is in a healthy state of mind. Lately, I have been thinking about my childhood. As I enter my early 20s and begin to think about relationships and marriage, I'm faced with revisiting my childhood troubles. For the most part of my teenage years I have ignored and buried any problems I had. But, lately for one reason or another everything is coming back, all the memories, the anger, rage, the vulnerability, the sadness, and sense of violation. At first, I was angry with myself for being a stupid child, then with my parents for not noticing my anger, change of personality, and completely lack of emotions. Now, I think I'm angry with myself, my parents, and even God.

How can someone be sane after being molested by five people before the age of nine. Who do I blame? What could I have possibly done to make all these sickos gravitate towards me considering I was no where near to even puberty? The worst part is that I feel like there was no one there for me and even God seemed distant. And when one goes through something like that on their on, they would never learn to lean on anyone.

I was an outgoing child, and I realize that there are a lot of things a child could handle due to lack of understanding. But when you become an adult, you are left with the memories and a realization of what has happened. Deep down I don't trust anyone, I avoid getting close to people. I'm completely without friends and could be described as anti-social. I even avoid getting close to my mother and sisters out of fear of telling them what happened to me. At the end I'm more hurt than angry. This is one of those experiences that could destroy you from the inside to the point where you are always anxious, frustrated, mistrustful, angry, and feeling violated every time. I wont wish it on my worst enemy. What is worse than experience such a thing is having to live with it everyday.

I'm at a point where religion has become irrelevant. My faith is so weak, I cry a lot. I don't know what to think of God, my parents, and myself. Why should I protect my Chasity as a woman today, while as a child God couldn't even keep me away from the hands of any one of those five.

I don't want to get married. There is no way I will bring a child in to this cold world. I don't know what to do anymore, what to hope for. I went from praying all my five prayers along with my sunnahs, to not praying at all. I do not wish to wake up in the morning, and Salaatul fajr used to force me to wake up. But now that I don't pray, nothing really matters. I do not yearn for paradise and I do not fear hell. I'm in a state of completely indifference.

And please brothers and sisters do not tell me that "there are people who went through worst things in life". Never compare one tragedy with another. I know that some of you will tell me to pray, read the Quran, seek help...ect but none of it will take the memories away.

[anonymous]

I am not the OP.


Sister I deeply regret that you had to go through something so terrible. I feel your pain and I'm sorry you had to go through this. I know nothing can erase such horrible memories from your mind and I know this is something you have to live with for the rest of your life but sister what you're doing now doesn't resolve anything. I know you feel betrayed and outcatsed but it is not your fault and you should never feel shame for something that you've had no choice through. You feel that you can't trust the people around you and that they don't really care about you, I know this and it's something we all would think if we were in your situation but this is not true. I bet those around you don't know how you feel because you probably never told them about your childhood but it's not because they don't care.



I know going through this kind of abuse leaves long lasting effects behind it and they very well come back to haunt your life but you must be strong. You must accept this as an unfortunate experience you've gone through that's made you stronger and better rounded individual. You should forgive your self and stop beating yourself for something you've never commited. The people who did this to you may surely receive their punishment. On the other hand you must never fall apart. Life is full pain, agony, and suffering. I understand that , and I know how it feels to give in to despair and lose hope in everything including your own faith. Does it make you a bad person?. Only if you willingly continue without looking back re-evaluting yourself after what's happened.





I think you should try to eradicate and eliminate those memories from your mind, as long as their locked up you will be their prisoner and they will control you and get a grip of the best of you. You have to take control of your life and forgive yourself. You're not a bad person. This happening to you doesn't mean you are cursed or were forsaken by God. You were tested and as young as were this is how life goes. It takes on the trial of those young and old without discrimination. We almost live in a world defined by duality; one dimension that is perfect and 'flawless' from every angle -which is beyond the reach of most who desire it- and another filled with rage,hatred, destruction and anger. As if there's no gray in between or there's no supreme divine order monitoring the affairs of this world. It's delusional and it's a trap when you give in you turn into an embittered,spiteful and miserable person. One who cannot bring happiness on to themselves nor shower it on another. One who value no meaning of gratitude. And as much as liberating it feels to be a first it only becomes so evidently enslaving because it only grows on more hatred and anger. Why mdid this have to happen?. Why me in particular?. Why would go allow such a thing to happen to me?. These are probably the first questions arising after lifting yourself from the frightening inflictions of this tragedy. After that it becomes hollowness and the yeaning to get revenge on those whom have hurt you. You lose your trust in everything and everyone, because if life really had a meaning such a thing would've never taken place. One thing to be told those questions are only part of the mystery. They are not the true story and infact no one may ever know the reason of it's occurenece except when God wills.

　

Take it from someone who's had their fair share of wanting to rebel against God and gave up praying all together for almost years. Abandoning that tiny speck of faith inside of you will not set you free nor will it demolish the burden you carry inside of you. If it does anything at all if only increases it until the point of suffocation. I can relate to the very words you've written and at a time in my life I've set my heart on leaving God behind me and taking out my rage and anger on everyone including those who wouldn't wish to harm me the least. I might've gained satisfaction from in the beginging that is, until it backfired unto me and I realised I stepped over my boundaries. I had become a rotten smoke of venom. I really stopped feeling everything and when ever I was confronted with an issue rather than facing it with courage I used to cowardly brush it under the rug. I had lost my faith in everyone and everything I didn't make any sense, what possible wisdom could I have ever gained by enduring such a terrible event. I didn't know. I honestly didn't know but I was deceived by my own self. I thought that if I shunned everyone out then I would finally make them realise how much pain I'm suffering inside. If I became cold, indifferent , and detached then they would notice my pain that I'm shedding blood inside of me and not just tears. I gained nothing and I was foolish enough not to realise that if you cut people off they too cut you off in turn.

　

I'm not telling you not be sad or sometimes angry at what happened to you. I am just trying to tell you not to be like I used to be and let it consume you. Let go of your past, embarce your self and never devour any ill feelings or negative emotions no matter how tempting they maybe. If you feel like crying it's okay cry it's cleanses your soul somehow and you will feel much better after. I know this is easier said than done. I really don't think you've lost your hope or trust in people in actual terms other wise you wouldn't be here seeking comfort and hoping to atleast find one person who understands you. You life did not end with the events of your childhood and they shouldn'e paralyze you. Move along as the world moves around and trust me things will get better. One day you might look back at this and appreciate it because it might be your key to finding peace, faith, friendship or love.

　

God does not hate you. God did not forsake you when you were assalted. He knows and knew what you're going through. It was a test it's severity indicates you may be one of His few selected bleoved. You shouldn't let it overshadow your life and darken your soul, it is true that there are innumerable tragedies happening in this world but at the same time there is always hope and light. If you're the last end of the rope holding you from falling off a cliffm tie that rope and firmly hold on to it, you will surely survive sooner or later the winds of persecution shall ceratinly pass by.

　

I hope what I said made sense, and I apologise if there's anything in my post that was inconsiderate or not helpful. I hope things will get better for you. You should open up more you will be surprised by the amount of people who reallt do care about you, just give them a chance and you won't regret it. Also please try to perform your prayers even if it's just 2 rakats before going to bed I garuntee you will feel alot less heavy inside.


Final P.S- I love you; you're a beautiful person :). Don't worry I'm a girl ;).

:wa:

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

sis , so sorry to hear about ur story imsad


do pray to Allah so that He forgives all ur sins and gives u rewards for what pain u went through . May He gives u Jannat . May He helps u to live a normal life , Ameen.

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

just saw the post in Reminder of Today thread . It's a good reminder for all of us indeed.

Narrated 'Aisha: (the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said,

"No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn."
(Sahih Bukhari, book 70, hadith no 544)

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[anonymous]

to the OP

i'm in therapy (counselling) after discovering my child was abused. its horrendous to find out such a thing, your imaam slips and you stop caring about yourself and how you live. you feel betrayed and you often just can't believe it, you go into depression and nothing can pull you out, you make dua but your heart doesnt feel it. i can't imagine but i know its worse for you after what you suffered.

i tell you, GO TO COUNSELLING!! please! i know you may think it wont help and that theres no point but the truth is you need help from someone who is trained to deal with these things, i started about 2 months ago and it was HARD. i went lower and darker than i had before and thats the truth, but thats part of healing. now i feel so much lighter. i dont cry half as much and i'm slowly coming out of my shell, before i didnt want to talk to anyone or go out and spent my time at home alone, wallowing in grief.

it helps i promise! and even if you pray and make dua and dont feel anything, Allaah hears so its ok. i wonder how my child will recover sometimes but she is getting counselling too so i feel confident she'll be ok in sha Allaah as its helped me so much.

so thats my advice i pray you take it. im seeing a counsellor and therapist and its such a relief that someone KNOWS how to help me instead of trying to say the right thing but failing.

i will tell you to keep believing that Allaah loves you because He does. a lot, because He tells us that He tests those that He loves, and what a big test for you. i pray you get through it. love x

[anonymous]

to the OP

i'm in therapy (counselling) after discovering my child was abused. its horrendous to find out such a thing, your imaam slips and you stop caring about yourself and how you live. you feel betrayed and you often just can't believe it, you go into depression and nothing can pull you out, you make dua but your heart doesnt feel it. i can't imagine but i know its worse for you after what you suffered.

i tell you, GO TO COUNSELLING!! please! i know you may think it wont help and that theres no point but the truth is you need help from someone who is trained to deal with these things, i started about 2 months ago and it was HARD. i went lower and darker than i had before and thats the truth, but thats part of healing. now i feel so much lighter. i dont cry half as much and i'm slowly coming out of my shell, before i didnt want to talk to anyone or go out and spent my time at home alone, wallowing in grief.

it helps i promise! and even if you pray and make dua and dont feel anything, Allaah hears so its ok. i wonder how my child will recover sometimes but she is getting counselling too so i feel confident she'll be ok in sha Allaah as its helped me so much.

so thats my advice i pray you take it. im seeing a counsellor and therapist and its such a relief that someone KNOWS how to help me instead of trying to say the right thing but failing.

i will tell you to keep believing that Allaah loves you because He does. a lot, because He tells us that He tests those that He loves, and what a big test for you. i pray you get through it. love x

Allaah knows best and i ask forgiveness for what i've said that is wrong..

The Prophet ﷺ said, “When Allah loves a servant, He tests him,” [Tirmidhi].

[Alpha Dude]

Allah tests those whom he loves. He will put them through trial after trial after trial and just when things may seem to be getting better another trial will come along. Seemingly endless suffering. The constant stress, pain and agony all act to elevate these people to a status in the eyes of Allah where their normal worship alone would not have been enough.

It's not uncommon for people tested this severely to lose desire and lose their motivation. They lose the concept of fear of hell/punishment, lose concept of reward in hereafter and also lose the desire to chase after material pleasures. As you said, indifference is the state of mind.

Allah is not unjust. Everything happens for a reason. Allah has tested, is testing and will continue to test you with your own specific unique set of circumstances. These circumstances have served to build your character and despite what you feel at this moment in time they have also defined your relationship with Allah.

When you hit a brick wall and have no idea on what to do and your circumstance are such that you feel lost, confused and don't understand what's going on, in that situation, you should awaken your inner trust in Allah and be patient with what is happening/has happened. This is a direct test of whether or not you have actually wholeheartedly taken Allah as your lord and protector, someone that you trust with all your life. You may not understand what's going on but all Allah wants from you is to accept his decree even if you may not like it. He wants you to accept that he is the Creator and he has every right to do as he pleases with you and wants you trust in and submit to his will over you.

Don't do it for reward, don't do it for fear of hell but do it because deep down you know it is the right thing to do.

Shaytan has been around for far too long. He has had an extremely long time to fine tune and perfect his skills of turning people away from faith and turning people away from Allah. He knows that with your experiences, you can go one of two ways. You can either be patient and submit to the will of Allah or you can rebel against what you feel is unfair and unjust of Allah to have allowed to happen. Seek refuge in Allah from the shaytan, sister.

[GuestFellow]

See a therapist.

[Beardo]

Definitely would advise seeing a therapist / counselor. There's no shame in it, and none of what has happened is your fault.

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

I'm sorry to hear about the hardships you've been going trough. I wish there was some magical advice I could offer you that would make things all better. Sadly you and I both know there is no such thing and you'll have to work trough all these issues. And I'm sorry; but that's not going to be easy. But you have to go forward. If you're going trough hell, the best thing you can do is to keep going.

Find help!
Nobody should have to go trough this alone. It'll eat you up. You need to find somebody you can talk to. If not a friend or a relative, then perhaps you should consider a proffesional? And don't get me wrong, it's good that you came here for advice, but there's only so much that we can do for you. Online chats and forums is not the same as somebody looking you in the eye and listening to your story and helping you get trough it. And if this forum is really your only optoin, then we'll just have to make do. But if there's any chance for getting help in real life, grab it! You deserve it!

Why now?
The fact that all these things are resurfacing is actually a good thing. Sometimes when something happens with us at a time that we are not equiped to deal with it, the human response is to store it away somewhere deep inside. Then when we mature it pops-up it's head. And we get two choices.
1) We push it back down and it'll eat us up from the inside out affecting our relationships, family friends, our mental health and eventually even physical health.
2) We deal with it and try to "heal" ourselves so we can finally go on with life. And yes, it is actually possible to work trough horrific experiences, no matter how bad and live life to the fullest. But again, it won't be easy.

Why you?
This is a common question for people who fell victim to any sort of abuse, mentally, physically or sexually. But since you had not one, but five abusers, I can imagine this questions is all the more pertinent. And there are a whole bunch of practical answers that one could answer to this, maybe you were percieved as a person who wouldn't tell on them. Maybe you looked like an easy target, maybe you were very attractive. But none of those answers are really important. The only important answer to this question is: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Remember that, write it on the badroom mirror, hang it over your bed. You really need to hammer this in. And perhaps you're thinking now: Well du-uh, obviously it isn't. If that was your first response: Good! That means that on a rational level, you understand the logic behind that. Being that as it may, chances are that on an emotional and unconscious level, you still feel like you are a bad person, that you somehow deserved it. Perhaps you're not even fully aware of feeling that. And why would you, it is of course a very irrational feeling, but that's just the way feelings are, they are hardly ever rational.

About Freud
I would like to dig a bit deeper in what I said in the previous paragraph. This section might be a bit technical; but bear with me. Hopefully it might help you understand why we react the way we do when bad things happen, and that in itself might help you undo some of the damage done to you. Basically, Freud said that the mind exists roughly out of three sections. The Id, which is just our raw emotions, desires, shame, anger and so on. Our Ego, which is responsable basically 90% of our thoughts that we consciously think of. And then finally there's the Superego. The superego is one of the most dominant parts, but it works mostly subconsciously (in other words without us being aware of it). The superego is formed as a group-survival mechanism. It helps us humans function in a society by internalising external authority. In other words this part of our mind tries to push us in the direction we think society expects us to go. So all the expectations and rules we pick up around us while growing up are stored there and pushed unto us. It's that nagging voice that tells us, you really aught to go to sleep now, or you'll be sorry tomorow. Or sometimes it's even rude and says things like: You should stop eating now, you fat cow. Or stuff like that. And on some people this voice pounds allot harder then on others. To some extend this mechanism is practical and even usefull in some cases. But when you grow up with a traumatic experience the superego is often unbalanced and harmfull.
Now so far for the theory, here's how this all relates to your story. When growing up, and especially when being abused by 5 diffrent people; your superego might have picked up on that and think that being abused is what society wants for you. That it was somehow your natural desposition, and that thus you deserved no better. And so your own subconscious mind is sabotaging you and pushing you towards failure and depression. Realizing that this is wrong is just the first step, but actually rebuilding your self-esteem is a long and difficult road. But it is an important key to recovering from what happened to you.

Building a wall around your heart.
You know it's very understandable that you keep people away from you, considering what you've been trough. But believe me, this is very dangerous. Before you'll realize, it's not just a stone wall surrounding your heart, but your heart itself will become a stone! And I'm not saying you shouldn't be carefull with who you trust, or with what you trust them with. bt still, you have to keep some emotional connections and opennes to a select few. There's no real risk with allowing peope to break your trust again. You won't die from a person disapointing you. It's not like you've had all the disapointment you can take for a lifetime, that's not how it works. If not like if you'd start trusting people again that you'll suddenly be defenseless. Things aren't that black-and-white. Perhaps it might help to have some rules.
- If a person wrongs you three times (even if it's something small like being late for an apointment without apologising for it) cut that person out emotionally.
- Follow your intuition. If someone rubs you the wrong way, there' a reason why! Not necesairly that it's a bad person, but there's a reason to be caustious.
- If somebody does something wrong; think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. If you had wronged that person. How would you respond? and does this person seem to be reacting in the same way? Sometimes turning things around shows us where we should put our boundaries and how wrong somebody was traeting us.

5 stages of grief
Although each persons experience is diffrent, generally we can say there's 5 stages of grief.
Denial —
Anger —
Bargaining —
Depression —
Acceptance —

Anger
Luckily you're allready over the most difficult part. Some people can be stuck in denial for decades. I defenitly feel for your anger. I remember after my sociopathic ex-wife left me I felt so angry with the whole world and even with Allah. I felt like I had been such a good Muslim trying so hard to do my best and that I hadn't deserved that kind of mental abuse that my ex had put me trough. It's only when I tried to put those feelings into words that I suddenly realised how irrational my accusations had been, and that in reality Allah subhana wa ta'ala didn't "owe" me anything, quite the opposite. Still, it took me a long time to rebuild my personal relationship with God. You know there's nothing wrong with feeling anger and blowing of some steam, just don't be to quick to burn down bridges. Your short-term goals should be to focus on your emotional recovery, I can only assume that Allah subhana wa ta'ala understands what you've been trough and that as you progress you will find the time and space to build your imaan up again. Trying to do that know is like trying to build a house on a swamp.

Bargaining/depression
I won't go into that to much, since it's not what you need to focus on. Just know that these stages are to be expected. And seek the right help when they turn up.

Acceptance
This should be your long-term goal. Perhaps you feel that on some level you have already acceptedthat this has happened and that there's nothing that you can do to change the past. And while that might be true, that's not exactly what acceptance is about. It might seem odd; but what would describe this phase a bit better might perhaps be "forgiveness". And you might be thinking why the f- should i ever forgive those f-rs? Well certainly not for their sake, not even because religion ask you to, but because it would set you free. Because from the moment you truly accept your past on all levels you suddenly become free, you'll no longer live your life in the shadow of those traumatic events. You'll no longer respond to a given situation or event because of your past and what you carry on. Or to quote Anne lamot:

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.”
“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”



But like I said, there's no magical advice I can offer you that will fix anything, I can just make a few suggestions, but in the end you're the one that will have to do all the heavy lifting.
May Allah subhana wa ta'ala guide you trough this.

[anonymous]

same thing happened to me, not so many times but i was not alone. it was me and my first cousin. twice and by separate but known to family people.
same thing, grown man with problems getting to know and trusting people.
funny thing is its always the people that you know,
if there is a god other than the one people use to justify there actions then i hope he gives us a little leeway later on.

there is hope though, never told a single person and now with wife and children.

although i still kind of agree, why have a wife if she is to test you by?
or children if they grow to become other than like yourself.

it is a cold world for some.
but most people dont see it that way.

so stop being nuts. gradually.