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~Zaria~
05-23-2013, 10:28 PM
Love or Desire


Where in the world, are the Muslim youth getting their ideals about love, marriage and family?
by Yasmin Mogahed
Al Jumuah Vol 13



In Bahrain, a teenage Muslim princess ran away from her family, her home and country forever, putting her life in jeopardy in order to marry an American marine she hardly knew. She made a decision, that she can never take back, to Iive a life of exile and sin. If asked why she did this, she would naturally say she did it for "love."

Where in the world, are the Muslim youth getting their ideals about love, marriage and family? Are we turninq to the Qur'an and the Sunnah of in Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam? Unfortunately, we do not.

In the Indian subcontinent, we're turning to Indian films; In America and possibly the rest of the world, we're turning to Hollywood.

Bombay, a famous mainstream Indian film, features a Muslim girl who falls in love and ultimately marries Hindu boy. At the beginning of the film, she is shown in niqab. By the end, she is dressing like a Hindu. After her family refuses to allow their marriage, the girl runs away and does not speak to them for six years. At the end her parents come to her and all are happy.

Hollywood, one of the largest influences in the world, plays a huge role in the formation of concepts about love, marriage, and family. These films portray men and women who are "in love." And yet, often times the individual they "love" will be someone they just saw or spoke to briefly. Suddenly, however they are willing to lose their spouse, their family, their job, their life, and even their Lord. It is, therefore, more correct to say that they make these sacrifices because their desires have become their God. Allah speaks of these people when He says: "Then seest thou such a one as takes as his god his own vain desire? Allah has knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart (and understanding), and put a cover on his sight. Who, then, will guide him after Allah (has withdrawn guidance)? Will ye not then receive admonition?" [45:23]

But yet these very same people that Allah has described in His book as most astray have become our example and ideal. In 1998, Titanic, grossing more than 1 billion dollars in sales worldwide, became the most popular movie across the globe. The story features a young girl of age 17 who is engaged to be married. After meeting and ultimately falling in love with another man, the young girl cheats on her fiance and disobeys her mother. Both the mother and the fiance are shown as superficial in order to make her disloyalty more acceptable.

The messages of these films are very penetrating. The most powerful message is: if you sacrifice for "love", all will be well in the end. In other words, if you disregard your religion, your farmily, your God, following only your desires, you will be rewarded in the end.

If we look to America, we can see the clear effects of these misshapen concepts. 'Why has divorce reached the unprecedented rate of 40-60%? I believe the answer lies in the misconstrued definition of what true love and marriage actually is. These movies feature the wedding as the end of the movie, and thus marriage is seen as the end of a love story, rather than the beginning.

What effect does this have on our society, on our youth in particular? Who are the victims of these misconstrued ideals? What is the basis of the "love" portrayed in these movies? What criterion will young Muslims affected by these images use when choosing a spouse? Will they follow the Sunnah of the Prophet, sallallalhu alayhi wa sallam, who says the one who marries for deen is blessed? Or, will they base their choice on an empty, fleeting attraction disguised as "love"? If the youth begin to choose their spouses based on this ephemeral emotion rather than on deen, what effect will that have on the Ummah as a whole? Will not more families be broken due to divorce and strife? Will not more youth be forced to cut ties with their families (assuming they do not agree)? Will not more children be raised far from Islam?

Thus, we should be aware and guard ourselves and our children from this deceptive tool of Satan. Allah describes those people who only follow their desires numerous times throughout the Qur'an. Let us not be among those who Allah describes as most astray and let those not become our ideals. "Who is more astray than one who follows his own lusts, devoid of guidance from Allah? For Allah guides not people given to wrongdoing" [28:50]


http://www.beautifulislam.net/articles/love_desire.htm
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Ahmad H
05-23-2013, 11:01 PM
About a Muslim man/woman marrying a Hindu woman/man, it is forbidden according to Islam:

2:221 Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise.

60:10 O ye who believe! When there come to you believing women refugees, examine (and test) them: Allah knows best as to their Faith: if ye ascertain that they are Believers, then send them not back to the Unbelievers. They are not lawful (wives) for the Unbelievers, nor are the (Unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them. But pay the Unbelievers what they have spent (on their dower), and there will be no blame on you if ye marry them on payment of their dower to them. But hold not to the guardianship of unbelieving women: ask for what ye have spent on their dowers, and let the (Unbelievers) ask for what they have spent (on the dowers of women who come over to you). Such is the command of Allah: He judges (with justice) between you. And Allah is Full of Knowledge and Wisdom.

My most favorite Bollywood actor, Shah Rukh Khan, whose movies I absolutely love (or loved before they became so backward recently), married a Hindu woman. That made me lose respect for him. What made it worse was that he also worships idols now as well because that is what his wife does as well. It would have been better had he not married her at all, at least he could have married a Muslim woman who would have helped him. This is one example of how idolaters 'beckon to the fire'. Allah's Words are all full of such profound wisdom.

As for running away from parents and getting married, that cannot be according to Islam because there must be a guardian:

It was narrated that 'Aishah and Ibn 'Abbas said: "The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: 'There is no marriage except with a guardian.'"
According to the Hadith of 'Aishah: "And the ruler is the guardian of the one who does not have a guardian." (Sahih)
(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith #1880)

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said: 'No woman should arrange the marriage of another woman, and no woman should arrange her own marriage. The adulteress is the one who arranges her own marriage." (Sahih)
(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith #1882)

So running away from one's family and getting married is Haram and it is equal to fornication. This is pretty bad considering:

24:3 Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry and but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.

Unless Muslim youth are fearful of Allah and know more about their own religion, they won't be safe from these ridiculous Hollywood/Bollywood fantasies.

The purpose of marriage is so that we can raise another generation. It's not about love. It's about doing what is right and contributing to society. It has nothing to do with what we want. If I followed my desires, I wouldn't get married. But I know I will have to and by going through it I ignore celibacy. Even this is following something which Allah has not allowed:

57:27 Then, in their wake, We followed them up with (others of) Our messengers: We sent after them Jesus the son of Mary, and bestowed on him the Gospel; and We ordained in the hearts of those who followed him Compassion and Mercy. But the Monasticism which they invented for themselves, We did not prescribe for them: (We commanded) only the seeking for the Good Pleasure of Allah; but that they did not foster as they should have done. Yet We bestowed, on those among them who believed, their (due) reward, but many of them are rebellious transgressors.

Let us all fear Allah and do what is right. Not for our own sake, but for His. However difficult it may be.
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ardianto
05-26-2013, 02:03 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmad H
The purpose of marriage is so that we can raise another generation. It's not about love.
Every human has an instinct to love and be loved, and marriage is a place where a man and a woman can love each other in halal manner. Love is the important part of marriage. Without love, marriage will be 'dry'.

You don't need to fall in love with someone then marry her. But you can try to find someone, marry her, and start to love her. In Sha Allah, your marriage will become a marriage that Sakinah, Mawadah, wa Rahmah.

Sakinah: Married couples and their children feel peaceful, safe and secure in the family

Mawadah: Husband and wife always wanted to feel the intimacy and togetherness

Rahmah: Husband and wife have always had a desire to give happiness to the partner, and their children
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Ahmad H
05-26-2013, 02:25 PM
I know you're right about what you said about love. But I am speaking of whether or not it exists with a couple, if they are married, they should make their marriage work nevertheless and raise children rather than going through divorces. Even if that marriage is dry, it should be done to please Allah regardless of their feelings towards each other. What matters is the Sunnah, not the relationship.
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crimsontide06
05-26-2013, 03:03 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmad H
if they are married, they should make their marriage work nevertheless and raise children rather than going through divorces. Even if that marriage is dry, it should be done to please Allah regardless of their feelings towards each other.
This is crazy, you cannot force people into staying in a loveless marriage. I read in a hadith I believe where it said do not be extreme in religion..so let's try and not take things to the extreme like many terrorists do who take innocent lives in the name of God...
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Ahmad H
05-26-2013, 03:11 PM
I know of a loveless marriage that worked somehow. And that's my parents' marriage. So it's not crazy that a loveless marriage can work. I just think it's better to go through with it sometimes rather than just go through a divorce. I would've never been born if my parents didn't stay together. So you can see why I don't disagree with it.

I figure, if Allah hates divorce so much, then it's probably better not to incur His wrath. Staying away from that wouldn't be extreme, but doing so would be. I'm pretty sure an arranged marriage in which the guy or girl wasn't asked for their agreement or not in the matter could be nullified. It's different when you are actually married though. It's the fear of God that must triumph in the end.

This is my understanding. But, tell me if I'm wrong. Marriage costs a lot of time and effort from both sides of the family, and it unites people like it doesn't do in any other situation. If between two tribes it brings peace, if between a prince and a princess, it can bring about reconciliation between two countries. If it is between two families in general, it creates bonds which could never have existed otherwise. Marriage is much more than what the couple wants, it is about what they want to achieve. If it works for the greater good, no matter how it happens to be that way, then the marriage can and will have to work. Not that the two should hate each other, but if they can cooperate together, then it can work.
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ardianto
05-26-2013, 03:41 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmad H
Even if that marriage is dry, it should be done to please Allah regardless of their feelings towards each other.
If marriage is dry, then make it wet :D

I understand why you are talking like that, but bro, do not thinking "I don't love her. If I marry her, it's only for the sake of Allah" because it will make you keep the distance and regard your wife as a stranger. So, when she tries to do something to please you as a husband, you will be hard to appreciate her sincerely.

So, think from different perspective "She is a woman who given by Allah for me. So, I must love her for the sake of Allah".

Your wife in the future, whoever she is, must be has many things that you like. Maybe her possible manners, perhaps her sincerity in serving you. If you can see and feel her kindness toward you, you will feel comfortable, and love will raise in your heart.

Just for information. Not every marriage that called "love marriage" started by love each other then get married. There are marriage like this that started without special feeling and both parties meet each other before only few times. But because they accept each other, they can build love in their marriage.

format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmad H
I know of a loveless marriage that worked somehow. And that's my parents' marriage.
Did your father ever do something to make your mother happy without your mother demand it, like gave her surprise gift?. Did your mother ever do something to make your father happy, like cook his favorite food without your father ordered her?. If they ever done this, it's means they love each other. Maybe they started marriage without special feeling, but then love raised in their heart.

Young bro, true love in the real world is different than love in movie. If a man see beautiful woman and then attracted to her, this is just desire.

:)
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~Zaria~
11-02-2013, 03:51 PM
Don't Reject Righteous Proposals - Mufti Menk





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Muhaba
11-03-2013, 07:12 PM
Watching films / movies is haram from the outset and of course a haram thing will lead to haram ideologies. When a person watches TV, they are going to look at nonmahram people of the opposite sex, which is not allowed in islam. It is impossible to watch movies without looking at persons of the opposite sex therefore, watching movies is haram (because it makes you do something not allowed in islam, i.e. looking at people of the opposite sex). If a person abstains from movies for this reason, they will also succeed in avoiding all the bad effects that unislamic movies have on people. If on the other hand, people continue to watch movies / films, then they've already fallen into the trap. And it won't be long before their ideologies change and they start liking and accepting unislamic ideas.
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ardianto
11-04-2013, 01:02 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by WRITER
When a person watches TV, they are going to look at nonmahram people of the opposite sex, which is not allowed in islam.
Without TV we can still look at non-mahram people. Everyday I do interaction with non-mahram women. I look at them when I need to look, I do not look at them when I don't need to look.

Command for men to lowering gaze actually is command to lowering desire and be polite when talk to women, not total prohibition to look at women.

When I explain my company service to my female customers I always look at them because if I don't look at them, they will regard it as impolite. And I do not look at them if not necessary because they will regard it as impolite.

I can control my desire when I talk with non-mahram women because I have been taught to respect the women since I was kid, by my family and by my Islamic teacher. It made women around me have respect to me. Sometime I heard comment from them about me. Alhamdulillah, always positive. :)

The common problem of men is, they regard women just as sexual object, not honored people who become their mother and sister. It make them cannot control their desire when they see women.
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ardianto
11-08-2013, 02:38 PM
One thing that made me grateful was the luck that I felt when I was looking for a future wife. I didn't need to be bothered to 'hunt', but I was in position that 'be hunted'. But I do not wonder why :)

However, what actually make me more grateful is my ability to thinking longer that made me always able to control my desire in situation that could be 'dangerous'. Frankly, without ability to thinking longer, my marriage must be has been destroyed.

Alhamdulillah, since I was kid I have been taught to thinking long before do something. They said "Think! what will happen if you do this!. Remember, regret is useless after everything happened!".

And I began to notice other people experiences when they did something and I noticed the impact that they bear because they did something wrong. Grew older, I began to notice what would happen if a man could not control their desire. I saw a number of marriage that broken because the husbands followed their desire. And I asked myself "Should I make mistake like them?".

In my life as a husband, sometime I was in situation that could lead to desire. And few times I was in situation that could lead to do something wrong. But Alhamdulillah, my ability to thinking longer always made me realize the destruction that would be happen if I followed my desire.

Then I open my wallet, saw my family photo inside, remembering the happiness that I felt with them, remembering the love that I got from my wife. I asked myself "Should I destroy their happiness with me?. Should I destroy my happiness with them?". And I felt the desire gone immediately.

As human, we cannot prevent desire that can appear anytime. But with ability to thinking long, we will realize what will happen if we follow our desire, and it will make us able to control and eliminate our desire.

:)
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BeTheChange
01-07-2014, 08:17 PM
Very good article and very important message.

How does one differentiate between desire love and true love?

What is true love and does 'the one' exist?

I know our main purpose in Islam is to worship Allah swa but half of the emaan comes through marriage so how does one know he/she is the 'one'?

Do we just do our Isthikhara prayer and research about the individual/family? etc
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ardianto
01-08-2014, 01:00 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by strivingforgood
Very good article and very important message.

How does one differentiate between desire love and true love?

What is true love and does 'the one' exist?

I know our main purpose in Islam is to worship Allah swa but half of the emaan comes through marriage so how does one know he/she is the 'one'?

Do we just do our Isthikhara prayer and research about the individual/family? etc
If you meet a handsome man and you feel you want to get him as your husband, it's desire. If you meet a man who is not handsome, not rich, but you see him as kind man, and then when he propose marriage you accept him because you are impressed by his kindness, it's sympathy.

And after you have married you have a feeling to always make your husband happy, you have a feeling to always support him in his hard times, it's love

Basically love does not exist in the beginning of relationship. Love is result of harmonious relationship which will come later.

Love can be happen too in relationship (marriage) which started by desire, but its possibility is not as big as if the relationship started by sympathy.

So, if you are unmarried, my advice is not to see a man on his outer attribute such as wealth, handsomeness, social status or other attribute like he is hafiz. But look at his heart. Is he kind person?, does he have good respect to other people?, does he have good sense of responsibility?. If the husband you can get also handsome or rich, regard it as just a bonus.

I've ever married for almost 19 years. My wife was a beautiful girl who expected by many men. But I married her not because her beauty, but because her kindness. I know her since in high school when she was in my class. But she was not the first girl who I wanted to marry.

I married her in 1994, and then we have two children and lived happily. In 2009 she began to feel something in her breast. She got breast cancer!. She started to get treatment.

Mid of 2010 her condition was getting worse after cancer attack her bones too. People around us were start thinking she would die soon. But I still gave her support to strong. Late of 2010 doctor removed her breast. Her condition was getting better. Doctor called it as miracle, but when everyone asked her, she always answer with "my husband love saves me".

In 2011 her condition seemed good although she still got chemoteraphy. But in mid of 2012 her condition was getting worse again. Doctor told me that she would not be able to walk again, and they gave up. But I tried not to give up in support my wife in her hard times.

Early of 2013 her condition was really bad. She could not leave the bed. So I bath her on the bed, cleaned up her on the bed too because she could not go to toilet. And I always gave her a support to make her strong.

But destiny happened to us. She closed her eyes forever in the afternoon on June 11, 2013.

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...ll-better.html

http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...ack-allah.html

Does true love exist?. There's only one reason why I always support my wife in her hard times. I love her.

Love will come if we have can provide a room in our heart for love. :)
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BeTheChange
01-08-2014, 07:12 PM
Asalamualykum

Sorry to hear about your wife. May Allah swa give you much comfort and patience Ameen. It must be hard - your a brave man.

I understand. Thanks for your input and understanding. Much appreciated.
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ardianto
01-11-2014, 01:02 AM
If I could love my wife with true love, this was not something amazing. But it's because I have been taught about true love since I was kid. People around me taught me many beneficial things such as responsibility as a husband and father, empathy, patience and anger management, choosing the right spouse, proper ways to solve problems in marriage, etc.

Desire is one thing which taught to me too. They taught me that the greatest weakness of men is desire on women. And If a man cannot control his desire, so he would fall under the feet of wrong woman.

I know they were right. I have seen men who got trouble because they could not control their desire and fell under the feet of wrong women.

That's why I don't see a woman on her physical beauty, but I focus on her inner beauty. This is what people around me taught me as the way to control desire and avoid choosing the wrong woman.
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