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anonymous
05-26-2013, 07:47 PM
:sl:

I am very uncomfortable about discussing this but it really irks me and I really need advice. The thing is complicated and I would hope that I find some insight that allows me to be more non judgemental and accepting as a person. I am set to be married and though I should be happy, I'm more hesitant and doubtful. I think my main issue is that I as a female that grew up with strict parents whom I am grateful for and have been a great aid in trying to adhere to Islamic rulings and teachings, the man to be my husband is not virgin...I don't know if I can accept that. I know it's wrong to be judgemental and I shouldn't bring up his past because he is a muslim and he said he stopped after reverting to Islam but I'm still not sure. I don't want to break off the marriage but still I feel like he well atleast I used to think of my husband as being a virgin too and now that I know he's not I don't know how to deal with this. Please don't think I'm self-righteous or anything, I really try not to but I used think if I over looked it then it wont bother me and now it does...

S.D= He is a good person, he prays regualrly and fasts and follows Islamic teachings very well. I think he might be a better muslim than I am but I don't want to live miserable and unhappy haunted by his past...


Please advise me

Thank you may God reward you.
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Amat Allah
05-26-2013, 09:44 PM
Wa Alikum Assalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh

My love, leave the past cause it happened and done and bringing it to picture will do you no good at all but will change you life to misery then hell...

Think about it, if you really gonna make that poor man miserable for that fiddling thing then for Allah's sake leave him alone to live his life happily...

it is hard when someone changes to be good leaving his/her past and moving on forward then others come to bring it back and make his/her life and everything in black for things are not exist anymore and not even from their concern, why?

Doesn't he deserve happiness, chances and a good life? you don't know what he is to Allah, maybe Allah forgave all of His sins by now and made him from the special servants to Him The Exalted...then who are we to hold others for account for their own old forgotten mistakes which are only between them and Allah...

You said in your post that you do think that he is a better Muslim even more than you, so???

You treat him that way or else just set him free to find another one whom will love him so much that she is blinded to see whatever but him as a husband to take care of, to give him the best, to make him love life, love the Deen, love Allah more and more and see hope in everything...to make his life bright and brighter; reminding him of Allah when he errors in the most gentle, humble and kind way; living in the remembrance of Allah encouraging one another to be better slaves of Allah...instead of wasting present and future for such negligible thing...

May Allah forgive us all and make us from the best of His servants and slaves Ameeeeen
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IbnAbdulHakim
05-26-2013, 11:24 PM
dont put yourself in a situation where you must bite more then you can chew.


assalamu alaikum
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anonymous
05-27-2013, 10:38 AM
Sister Amat Allah I understand that it's wrong to interogate him about his past. I've never done that but I don't know if he maybe favors his previous encounters more than me?. I'm so sorry I'm starting to feel bad about it ...Can you please help me understand where he's coming from?. Does anyone have more experience in marriage life this is my first time getting married and my mother only briefly glosses over issues like these ...I feel really trapped if I break off the marriage maybe I left something very precious slip away from me.. but I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me insecure.


Brother Ibnabdulhakim thank you for replying but what do you mean by that?. Biting more than I can chew?.
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Alpha Dude
05-27-2013, 11:02 AM
If you are worried about making a wrong choice make sure to pray istikhara if you haven't already done so. No matter what decision you make after, it will turn out to be the best one for you, in sha Allah.
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IbnAbdulHakim
05-27-2013, 11:26 AM
forgive me its a very famous figure of speech, it means dont overburden yourself.
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anonymous
05-27-2013, 11:41 AM
Brother AlphaDude- I have but still unsure...

Brother ibnabdulhakim- thank you, but in this situation it's hard not to...
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Muhaba
05-27-2013, 11:42 AM
Sister, he reverted and doesnt sin anymore so dont worry about his past. He has a clean slate bcuz Allah forgives sins when one reverts. You should be happy he's a practicing muslim. As for him preferring previous life to you dont think that bcuz he'll prefer the halal if he's a good Muslim. I think ur worried for no reason. Just pray istikhar and then put ur trust in Allah.
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Alpha Dude
05-27-2013, 12:32 PM
Brother AlphaDude- I have but still unsure...
That's the thing - the fact that you've prayed it means that whatever decision you make will in sha Allah be the right one for your deen/akhirah - if you have a positive opinion of Allah. Allah is as you think him to be (from hadith) so whenever you make dua (and istikarah is a form of dua) you should always believe with full conviction that whatever you request will be accepted and given to you. Looking at the meaning of the dua for istikarah below, can you see what I mean by whatever decision you end up doing (even if you feel unsure) will turn out best for you? Trust and submit to Allah's wisdom after making dua and don't worry after that.

O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."
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Amat Allah
05-27-2013, 12:41 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Sister Amat Allah I understand that it's wrong to interogate him about his past. I've never done that but I don't know if he maybe favors his previous encounters more than me?. I'm so sorry I'm starting to feel bad about it ...Can you please help me understand where he's coming from?. Does anyone have more experience in marriage life this is my first time getting married and my mother only briefly glosses over issues like these ...I feel really trapped if I break off the marriage maybe I left something very precious slip away from me.. but I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me insecure.
Honey, have you seen anything wrong with him at recent time? if not and have only seen good from him then I gotta tell ya that shaytan is a sly fox whenever he sees something khayer and halaal will happen he comes to ruin it by planting doubts and dark thoughts inside of the hearts and minds of Adam's sons and daughters...just see Allah's refuge from his wasswasah and forget about it sweetheart.

whenever you start thinking right away play Qur'aan or recite it after saying Aotho bellahi min ashaytaani irrajeem...

and also, maybe you are thinking that way because of you being nervous and panicked going to something totally new to ya and feeling like you are not ready yet but my precious, it is ok.

Look at our mothers; they had it before us knowing nothing and here we are on earth surface...nothing stopped our parents from loving each others and have us as gifts from Allah...

May Allah make all your worries and concerns fade away and make you two from the best of the most loving couples Ameeeen

what the man wants? he wants what you want; a secure warm house and company, good life, loving and caring spouse, someone who can trust and return to after Allah, someone who can make him feel as whole and safe, as two souls in one body, someone who is understanding and forgiving, someone to make him happy and pleased and live with in Halaal...

when the man finds such wife then he will treat her the best and put her on his head as a crown showing it to others and being proud of wearing it in front of all and she will feel all the love and care from him in shaa Allah...

Humbly, to me my sweet sister; I don't care about others past no matter what it was cause it happened and done and if judging them according it while knowing that they have changed then I am wronging them in a really bad bad bad way...

None is perfect even the best men after Rasool Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) The Sahabah had a bad past before Islam but when they knew the truth and returned to Allah; everything became nothing and they got great rewards from Allah...so, why not learning from our Lord?

to forgive, forget and reward too...

Honestly, if I would be a wife for such brother then I swear by Allah that I won't leave a Halaal thing but do it for him for Allah's sake, would strive to make him need nothing and would sacrifice with whatever just to make him the happiest In Shaa Allah...

After marriage; it is totally a new life for both of you and it is from wisdom to start with a new white page and fill it with all beauty and amazing things ...

No need to end the marriage plans you only need to beat shaytan with the weapons which Allah had giving to His believer slaves and servants(Qur'aan and Thiker) and try your best to let go of past and all what is in it In Shaa Allah...

"And say, "My Lord, I seek refuge in You from the incitements of the devils, (97) And I seek refuge in You, my Lord, lest they be present with me." (98)" Surat Al Mu'minoon.

And always remember to make Duaa in your Sujood, O Allah if we are khayer for each other then ease this marriage and bless it, Be pleased with us, please us and help us to please you always and forever but if not then O Allah give each one of us the khayer, bless it , Be pleased with us and make us pleased and happy always with whatever you grant us Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

May Allah give you both the best of the best, unite you on khayer in this dunya and in Al Akhirah too and make you among the happiest and the best of His servants and slaves always and forever Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen:statisfie

Wanna know how to please your future husband then search on internet and you will find many beautiful things...just take what is Halaal and leave what is Haraam and whenever you need anything just send me a PM In shaa Allah and will try my best to help ya with whatever :D

Love you for the sake of Allah my dear and beautiful sister and wish you all love in this world and beyond it too Ameeeen

big kisses on your nose and beautiful heart :wub:

Congratulations my love and Don't forget to send me your wedding invitation :coolious:

You take the best care of your precious self...

Leaving ya under Allah's sight, care and protection...

Humbly and with all respect and love, your sister:

Amat Allah.

Wa Assalaamu Alikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh
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Amat Allah
05-27-2013, 12:47 PM
As long as you have prayed Istikharah then leave it to Allah; if good then you will get it and if not May Allah keep it away from you and give ya the best always Ameeeen
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anonymous
05-27-2013, 01:05 PM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
That's the thing - the fact that you've prayed it means that whatever decision you make will in sha Allah be the right one for your deen/akhirah - if you have a positive opinion of Allah. Allah is as you think him to be (from hadith) so whenever you make dua (and istikarah is a form of dua) you should always believe with full conviction that whatever you request will be accepted and given to you. Looking at the meaning of the dua for istikarah below, can you see what I mean by whatever decision you end up doing (even if you feel unsure) will turn out best for you? Trust and submit to Allah's wisdom after making dua and don't worry after that.
O Allah! I seek goodness from Your Knowledge and with Your Power (and Might) I seek strength, and I ask from You Your Great Blessings, because You have the Power and I do not have the power. You Know everything and I do not know, and You have knowledge of the unseen. Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action (which I intend to do) is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka'] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it."

Thank you brother AlphaDude may Allah reward you and give you the best of your wishes and may He bless you in all your endeavors. Reading it again it felt like I've never said it before maybe because I was overly occupied with other emotions rather than earneslty seeking Allah's guidance. I will pray more and repeat this duaa untill I feel more at ease or atleast the unsettling feelings goes away.

Thank you again.
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anonymous
05-27-2013, 01:18 PM
Originally Posted by Amat Allah
Honey, have you seen anything wrong with him at recent time?
First I am very grateful for your kindness you're such a nice person, I wish I was like you Masha'Allah may allah protect you and always make you this way.

Um, no nothing bad to be honest I don't spend much time with him and I'm overly shy I can barely make eye contact and eating infront of him is painful. I don't think though despite not knowing him for long that he's bad like I said I think he's really really good ..better than me. He's honest whcih I appreciate I guess he disclosed his past because he wanted me to know that he's coming clean and that he wants me to marry him as he is not as I think of him to be..but over all he is a good person I'd be stupid to deny that.

I think what I also wanted to say .. and maybe this is from shaytan is I sometimes feel like he wants to get married for the sake of getting married and not because he wants me to be his wife..it's kind of sad to think of it this way...I think that maybe he wants to get married just because he wants to set things right and there's nothing wrong with that but I don't feel like it's really me he wants to get married to. Maybe I'm too sensitive or something people call me sensitive all the time I just don't think I am. Am I wrong for thinking this way?.


Sister Amat Allah- I LOVE you very much from the deep bottom of my heart. I woulod invite everyone in this forum to the wedding if I can. Thank you sister a big hug to you for your sweetness and kindness and if this marriage plan does happen I will follow your advise, you're very kind and wise. May Allah bless you, your parents and give you the best that you wish for and make you one of His most beloved. Thank you sister thank you very much I am indebted to your kindness :embarrass. May Allah bless you in all you endeavors.
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Amat Allah
05-27-2013, 01:56 PM
This is how you think about me and Allah knows all about me my dear...May Allah make me deserve your words, love and kindness Ameeeen

May Allah make you not like me but better than me no but amongst the best of His righteous servants and slaves Ameeeen

I really wish ya all the good and happiness I swear The Lord of heavens and earth and He Is my witness my beloved sister...and we are sisters so, there is nothing between us and you own me nothing...I see you like my blood sisters habibati...May Allah love you always and forever Ameeeeen

Just leave it to Allah and trust Him The Exalted 100% and you will see wonders my love and will never get disappointed ever cause you have returned to The One...laa ilaha illa Allah.

May That wedding happen on khayer and you have the best husband ever Ameeeeen

I don't know you girl but still love ya for Allah's sake and no matter what In Shaa Allah.

Take the best care of your precious self habibati. May Allah Be with you always Ameeeeeen

kisses and hugs till forever.
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anonymous
05-27-2013, 03:14 PM
Originally Posted by Amat Allah
Just leave it to Allah and trust Him The Exalted 100% and you will see wonders my love and will never get disappointed ever cause you have returned to The One...laa ilaha illa Allah.
May That wedding happen on khayer and you have the best husband ever Ameeeeen
I don't know you girl but still love ya for Allah's sake and no matter what In Shaa Allah.
Take the best care of your precious self habibati. May Allah Be with you always Ameeeeeen
kisses and hugs till forever.
You're right i should put my trust in Allah. Maybe I should try to stop thinking about it and focus on something else. May Allah bless you and grant you happiness and His love in this world and the hereafter. :wub:
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anonymous
05-28-2013, 02:43 PM
I want to cry please help. I've been praying and still no sign maybe I should postpone the marriage or just forget about getting married all together. maybe I will make a big mistake that will have an impact on my life. What should i do?..I'm sorry for being such a pain in the neck but i really need some help and advice ...
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crimsontide06
05-28-2013, 03:55 PM
Why not talk to him about it or maybe a imam,or family member? Part of a relationship or starting one is being honest with each other. If you feel uncomfortable talking to him alone about it, then have a friend there or go talk at a public place.. no reason to be so restrictive that the first time you see/talk to the guy on your possible wedding day..Don't make him feel bad about his past mistakes, just be honest. You can't let someones past mistakes that they have seeked forgiveness for, define them.

I don't believe in arranged marriages(where a person has no choice) No, I am not saying to date, this is haram in Islam. I do believe however in getting to know the person 1st and if you feel compatible and that you like their character...etc THEN you have the choice to say whether you want to marry the person, not because mommy and daddy told you to.

Blunt but 100% true. Hope this helps you.
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ardianto
05-28-2013, 04:10 PM
Assalamualaikum, sister anonymous

As I've ever told in other thread that my wife was not the first girl who I wanted to marry. There was another girl before who I love so much. However, then she decided to leave me. That's really broke my heart. But then I decided to go to my ex-classmate and marry her. Alhamdulillah, I'm still with my ex-classmate who has given me two children. Yeah, I had a love story in the past that made my wife jealous.

You are jealous, aren't you?.

I understand if your jealous is much bigger than my wife jealous. I didn't do something that too far with the first girl who I wanted to marry. While the man who will be your husband?.

Oh, my sister, let the past as the past. It's better if you focus on him at the recent time. He is a good person, isn't he?. And he look can be a good husband. So, what are you waiting for?.

You don't need to postpone your marriage, and do not cancel your marriage. Just marry him. Yes, in the few first years maybe you will still feel jealous. But In Sha Allah, time will eliminate your jealous.

:)
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IbnAbdulHakim
05-28-2013, 04:36 PM
i think most people in this modern day and age have love stories.

best thing is to repent for disobeying Allah before marriage and do the right thing
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Amat Allah
05-28-2013, 05:03 PM
For Allah's sake honey, who said that you need to see a sign after praying istikhara?

Habibati, read in here and try your best to understand and In Shaa Allah you will feel better:

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/5882
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ardianto
05-28-2013, 05:19 PM
Originally Posted by crimsontide06
I don't believe in arranged marriages
Arranged marriage is not always bad. If both parties can accept each other, they will not feel forced into marriage, but they will like each other, and finally can love each other.

I noticed, this sister can accept the man that chosen for her and she actually start to like him. I notice it from what she say about him "He is a good person, he prays regualrly and fasts and follows Islamic teachings very well"

If she could not accept that man and she really does not like him, she would not care about that man past.
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anonymous
05-28-2013, 05:49 PM
Originally Posted by crimsontide06
Why not talk to him about it or maybe a imam,or family member? Part of a relationship or starting one is being honest with each other. If you feel uncomfortable talking to him alone about it, then have a friend there or go talk at a public place.. no reason to be so restrictive that the first time you see/talk to the guy on your possible wedding day..Don't make him feel bad about his past mistakes, just be honest. You can't let someones past mistakes that they have seeked forgiveness for, define them.
I don't believe in arranged marriages(where a person has no choice) No, I am not saying to date, this is haram in Islam. I do believe however in getting to know the person 1st and if you feel compatible and that you like their character...etc THEN you have the choice to say whether you want to marry the person, not because mommy and daddy told you to.
Blunt but 100% true. Hope this helps you.
Thank you for replying. It's not easy to talk to him about it as you can see I have a hard time thinking about it to begin with so it makes it even more difficult to discuss. The marriage is not an arranged one I knew him for a while before but just casually and he propsed so I told my parents so he can ask my hand in marriage. It's just sometimes i think he doesn't really want to marry me for me, if that makes sense? and there is an age gap he's about 7 years older than I am. We can't go out to see each other often because my parents are strict. I know this may be a bit of a personal question but if I may ask: if you were to personally get married to a woman with no past but you have your own, do you feel you're somehow at loss or not satisfied or something..?. it's okay if you don't want to answer I totally respect that.



Originally Posted by ardianto
You are jealous, aren't you?.
Though it's hard to admit, but yes I'm starting to think I'm getting a little jealous too..it's a hard thing to experience I don't want to feel that way for the rest of my life...

Originally Posted by ardianto
So, what are you waiting for?.
Waiting for my heart to feel at peace and not have second thoughts and doubts in the midst of my wedding day...

Thank you adrianto I really do hope time will eliminate this ordeal I'm going through...

_____

I can't qoute anymore i think there's a technical error in my computer..

Brother ibnabdulhakim- I guess it's something I have to deal with

Sister Amat Allah- Thank you dear sister I think what i wanted to say but just didn't express it correctly is that i still have my doubts even though I kept praying and repeating the duaa for a prolong period of time.


I also think about my children(if/when i have them) what if their father doesn't love their mother, what if something happened and he missed one of his exes ...
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crimsontide06
05-28-2013, 07:08 PM
Originally Posted by anonymous
if you were to personally get married to a woman with no past but you have your own, do you feel you're somehow at loss or not satisfied or something..?. it's okay if you don't want to answer I totally respect th
Hypothetically if it were true, I would feel bad about doing stuff with another woman in the past, I would feel guilty about it because I know it will bother the woman I am marrying, the fact that she would not be the 1st(and only) woman I have touched. I would not feel like I'm at a loss though, I would want the person I am marrying to be a virgin(if thats what you mean by at a loss, the woman being a virgin?). I would hope that the woman I am marrying would forgive me and not hold my past mistakes against me. Personally, I would want to know how she feels about it. That's just me. Every person is different(not all men and not all women are the same) so I cannot tell you how this man will think or act.


Originally Posted by ardianto
Arranged marriage is not always bad. If both parties can accept each other, they will not feel forced into marriage, but they will like each other, and finally can love each other.
I know, I meant forced arranged marriages where the bride and groom never meet till the wedding day or the woman/man is never given a choice.
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IbnAbdulHakim
05-28-2013, 07:35 PM
you dont have to deal with anything.

look right now ill be honet with you.


if i saw my own sister cry one single bit because of a proposal i would break it there and then. i wouldnt let my sister struggle through conflict when i know i can find a man she is happy with from beginning to end inshAllaah

i dont say this out if nowhere, i have been put in these situations in real life.

do whats best for your dunya and akhirah
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ardianto
05-29-2013, 08:18 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
I also think about my children(if/when i have them) what if their father doesn't love their mother, what if something happened and he missed one of his exes ...
Marriage is a place where the love can arise and also can be lost.

There are married couples that very romantic when they start their marriage, but after several years they divorce. In another side there are couple who start their marriage without special feeling, they married just because they have same intention to get married, meet each other and agree. But later they feel comfortable with their spouses, and love come to them.

Love in marriage is something that should be always maintained. If the husband and the wife able to maintain love, love will still exist in their marriage. But if they failed to maintain love in their marriage, love will leave them.

Sister, if you want your husband loves you, you must able to raise his love and maintain it. Make him feel appreciated, respected, and comfortable with you. In Shaa Allah, your husband will love you and always love you.

I understand about your worry. But it's better if you don't make prejudice on him.
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anonymous
05-29-2013, 12:40 PM
^but that's sad :(, he has a relationship he indulged in with his heart and body but it didn't work out. I waited and resist temptations despite having the ability to do so and when i do finally get married i have to live knowing in number 2 or maybe even the alternative ...it's hard :(
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anonymous
06-03-2013, 07:26 PM
Can someone pleasehelp me regarding this^^. Please has anyone gone through the same experience, I don't want to go into a marriage and leave it as it ends with divorce. Please help.
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anonymous
06-03-2013, 08:21 PM
Please help. Someone anyone, please.
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Abdul Fattah
06-03-2013, 08:33 PM
Aselam aleykum
You know, sometimes we have this ideal dream of how the future might be. How our partner might be, how our marriage might be, how our first night might be...?
Trust me on this one, first nights will always be akward. And it doesn't matter if he's a virgin or not, he'll feel akward to. But the truth is, if he'll treat you right, and you love each other, a couple months into your marriage these things won't even cross your mind anymore. Just focus on what is important.

As for the feeling that he wants to marry just for the sake of being marriaged. I think that's actually dangerous. In my first marriage I did the same, I just thought I'll find somebody who's religious, and marry her, and inshaAllah if we both follow our deen then things will turn out ok. This is stupid! Or saying, oh make istakhara and rely on Allah. Well I think that's stupid to. Don't get me wrong, its good to do istakhara, but you still should find out if you two are right for each other! Let me compare it with an example. If somebody would advice you to make dua against being run over by a car, and then cross the street without looking, you wouldn't follow that advice either would you? And again, I'm not saying it's bad to make such a dua, what's bad however is to rely on it and cross the street without looking. Likewise it's good to do istakhara, but it's bad to go into marriage without due-diligence. How does this person work, wath are his strenght/weaknesses is he what I expect from a partner, are we compatible. You need to examine these things.
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IbnAbdulHakim
06-05-2013, 01:06 PM
I seriously advise you to speak to your parents/siblings regarding your fears.

I dont think anyone that loves you can let you go through with this with all these fears.


Do taubah/istikhara etc
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