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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 05:25 PM
relatives who backbites and are jealous(love to compare their children with others)? Yes, we all have relatives who are like this. I think personally it is sad and I dont know what to do other than stay away from such kind of people. Even if they are my relatives.
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جوري
06-03-2013, 06:15 PM
That's everybody's relatives and why many of us are alienated and cocoon ourselves from the world because we're more sensitive and unable to tolerate!
How do you expect them to understand your struggles when they've not walked in your shoes and lived your painful journey. They just see the outside and judge it whichever way pleases them and alleviates their own sickness, psychology and psyche.
It is a sad new world that secularists created and many of us lapped up, the further away from God & religion the more allowing of every conceivable vice and I think perhaps the backbiting and envy and hatred and jealousy is the least of it.
Some aren't happy until they send you to your grave and I personally know of a couple of people like that in my family. Just satisfies a sickness in their heart to see you struggle and die day by day.. you can't even ask that :Allah::swt: avenge you because how would it reconcile your own understanding of goodness and forgiveness? You just live with it and become patient and wise with time and maybe a little bitter and broken on the inside but never show it is my advise really.

:w:
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Muslim sister.
06-03-2013, 06:25 PM
Salaam brother.

We all have relatives like this as the sister above me mentioned. Maybe you should try to lessen your interaction with them and not be around them for too long. If you take them out of you focus and in turn focus on something else maybe you will forget about it. Also remeber that no matter what evil wishes the would like them to befall on you they don't have the power or ability to bring it about. No one can harm or benefit your except Allah so you should never worry about their ill feelings towards you. Forgive them because they might be suffering inside it must be painful to spend all of your life sureveilling others people's life, rejoicing their misery, celebrating their pain and greveing their successes. May Allah bestow his mercy on all of us. Ameen.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:27 PM
Originally Posted by العنود
That's everybody's relatives and why many of us are alienated and cocoon ourselves from the world because we're more sensitive and unable to tolerate!
How do you expect them to understand your struggles when they've not walked in your shoes and lived your painful journey. They just see the outside and judge it whichever way pleases them and alleviates their own sickness, psychology and psyche.
It is a sad new world that secularists created and many of us lapped up, the further away from God & religion the more allowing of every conceivable vice and I think perhaps the backbiting and envy and hatred and jealousy is the least of it.
Some aren't happy until they send you to your grave and I personally know of a couple of people like that in my family. Just satisfies a sickness in their heart to see you struggle and die day by day.. you can't even ask that :Allah::swt: avenge you because how would it reconcile your own understanding of goodness and forgiveness? You just live with it and become patient and wise with time and maybe a little bitter and broken on the inside but never show it is my advise really.

:w:
Great respons. Thanks sister. I feel you. I have these relatives who are EXTREMLY jealous and toxic that it frustrates me to be nice to them and fake smile all the time. I always try to forgive them, sincerely, for the sake of Allah but then I hear them talk stuff about my family. I have never understood this kind of behaviour. Never. If guess if one person doesnt have peace within themselves they can do really harmful things.

The funny thing is that these relatives are WAY older than me(like in their 40+) and they behave like school girls who gossip. I dont have time for that sh*t. Ugh...

May Allah give you the patience to deal with your relatives. Your case seems to be EXTREME and that is scary. I will never understand why people behave this way and what they get out of it. It cant be healthy.

I guess I have to ignore it, fake smile and keep living my life. Its hard to forgive them when they are betraying us all the time.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by Muslim sister.
Salaam brother.

We all have relatives like this as the sister above me mentioned. Maybe you should try to lessen your interaction with them and not be around them for too long. If you take them out of you focus and in turn focus on something else maybe you will forget about it. Also remeber that no matter what evil wishes the would like them to befall on you they don't have the power or ability to bring it about. No one can harm or benefit your except Allah so you should never worry about their ill feelings towards you. Forgive them because they might be suffering inside it must be painful to spend all of your life sureveilling others people's life, rejoicing their misery, celebrating their pain and greveing their successes. May Allah bestow his mercy on all of us. Ameen.
You are right. I think the best way to deal with it is to stay away for them, but still not cut the ties. As you said, I cant undestand what you get out of behaving like this. This must be extremly draining to celebrate other people pain, compare yourself with othe people etc. I just dont understand it. These kind of people cant have peace within themselves which is sad.

What is even more sad is that they are in their mid forties. I always thought that you mature with age, I guess not.

Ameen to the dua.
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White Rose
06-03-2013, 06:35 PM
Agreed and one more thing is that, if you say hello to them once in a while just for the sake of Allah, they think that they can give you some task to do for them....
I would like to cut ties but since its not recommended in our religion, I have to be patient.
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Muslim sister.
06-03-2013, 06:36 PM
No sadly aging does not increase wisdom. I think it is learning from your mistakes and observing life's events. I think this is a reason that people should feel sorry for them regardless of the exterior wealth and material possessions they have. I think they, cotrary to what they might appear, feel very insecure inside and inadequate this is why they feel the need to put others down inorder to feel better about themselves. May Allah guide us all. Smile and don't let it bother you, you will be rewarded God willing.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:39 PM
Originally Posted by White Rose
Agreed and one more thing is that, if you say hello to them once in a while just for the sake of Allah, they think that they can give you some task to do for them....
I would like to cut ties but since its not recommended in our religion, I have to be patient.
This is so true. LOL. There is one aunt that ask us for so many things, but when we ask her to do something for us she makes excuses and tell us that she cant.

Believe me, I would cut the ties with these extremly toxic people LOOONG TIME AGO if it wasnt for Islam.
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bangaliteen
06-03-2013, 06:43 PM
Originally Posted by Allah<3
relatives who backbites and are jealous(love to compare their children with others)? Yes, we all have relatives who are like this. I think personally it is sad and I dont know what to do other than stay away from such kind of people. Even if they are my relatives.
Backbiting is HARAM and we shouldn't be jealous either , I think you should tell your relatives that

The Prophet of Allah (SWT) said: Allah (SWT) the Almighty said to Musa bin Imran (as), Oh son of Imran, don't be envious of what I have given to people from my grace and don't enchant your eyes with the blessings and don't put your soul in search of them, because the envious person is unhappy at my blessings that I have distributed among my servants

The Prophet of Allah said: Beware! Don't be enemy of blessings of Allah (SWT). (He was asked: Oh Prophet of Allah (SWT) "who are those who keep enmity with the blessings of Allah (SWT)?" The Prophet of Allah replied: "Those who are envious."

"...Neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it [so hate backbiting]" (Surah Hujurat, 49:12)

The Prophet (SAS) has clearly stated, "The gossip-monger will not enter paradise" (Bukhari, Muslim).
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:45 PM
Originally Posted by Muslim sister.
No sadly aging does not increase wisdom. I think it is learning from your mistakes and observing life's events. I think this is a reason that people should feel sorry for them regardless of the exterior wealth and material possessions they have. I think they, cotrary to what they might appear, feel very insecure inside and inadequate this is why they feel the need to put others down inorder to feel better about themselves. May Allah guide us all. Smile and don't let it bother you, you will be rewarded God willing.
Very true. Its sad that people dont analyze their own lives and learn from their mistakes. They only follow their desires and "sleepwalking" their whole lives. Material possessions and wealth are NOTHING if you are not in peace with yourself. Sadly, some people dont realize that until they get old or even until they die.

Thanks for your advice sister. That was my approach for the beginning and I will keep following it.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:48 PM
Originally Posted by bangaliteen
Backbiting is HARAM and we shouldn't be jealous either , I think you should tell your relatives that

The Prophet of Allah (SWT) said: Allah (SWT) the Almighty said to Musa bin Imran (as), Oh son of Imran, don't be envious of what I have given to people from my grace and don't enchant your eyes with the blessings and don't put your soul in search of them, because the envious person is unhappy at my blessings that I have distributed among my servants

The Prophet of Allah said: Beware! Don't be enemy of blessings of Allah (SWT). (He was asked: Oh Prophet of Allah (SWT) "who are those who keep enmity with the blessings of Allah (SWT)?" The Prophet of Allah replied: "Those who are envious."

"...Neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it [so hate backbiting]" (Surah Hujurat, 49:12)

The Prophet (SAS) has clearly stated, "The gossip-monger will not enter paradise" (Bukhari, Muslim).
Sister, the thing is that these people are WAY older than me. I am talking about 20+ years older than me and you know that it can come of as disrespectful if I say anything. And they dont know that we know that they are backbiting about us.
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bangaliteen
06-03-2013, 06:53 PM
Originally Posted by Allah<3
Sister, the thing is that these people are WAY older than me. I am talking about 20+ years older than me and you know that it can come of as disrespectful if I say anything. And they dont know that we know that they are backbiting about us.
Just be nice about it, I know I feel like I cant tell my parents that when they are gossiping and backbiting, its haram and I didn't tell them but its good to tell someone that is doing haram things that what they are doing is wrong. I can tell my friends tho. I know it might seem rude but older ppl don't know some things so we should tell them. Just say don't say bad things about him or her , its not good and its haram.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 06:56 PM
Originally Posted by bangaliteen
Just be nice about it, I know I feel like I cant tell my parents that when they are gossiping and backbiting, its haram and I didn't tell them but its good to tell someone that is doing haram things that what they are doing is wrong. I can tell my friends tho. I know it might seem rude but older ppl don't know some things so we should tell them. Just say don't say bad things about him or her , its not good and its haram.
The thing is that they dont know that we know that they are backbiting about us. Its one thing to tell your mother or really close family member(which I would do immediately), but I am not that close to them to tell them about this and I dont know how to bring that up. And they are not "religious" either.
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bangaliteen
06-03-2013, 07:04 PM
Originally Posted by Allah<3
The thing is that they dont know that we know that they are backbiting about us. Its one thing to tell your mother or really close family member(which I would do immediately), but I am not that close to them to tell them about this and I dont know how to bring that up. And they are not "religious" either.
I guess when you see them backbiting then tell them that its wrong to do that and also sinful.
You can only advise so just do that and if they keep doing it , then its their sins and they will have to pay for it.
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Ramadan90
06-03-2013, 07:07 PM
Originally Posted by bangaliteen
I guess when you see them backbiting then tell them that its wrong to do that and also sinful.
You can only advise so just do that and if they keep doing it , then its their sins and they will have to pay for it.
If they did that in my face, I would absolutely do that but they dont. I will just smile, ignore their backbiting and let Allah deal with it. I think it is easier.
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Ahmad H
06-03-2013, 10:46 PM
Stay away from people, even if they are relatives, who try to compare their children to your children. You never know what kind of agendas they have. For all you know, they might try to make you feel like your children aren't good enough because of their lack of worldly success. Even if it's religious behavior, it becomes a source of pride for those other parents. Save them from their potential evil and save yourself from listening to that rubbish.

This kind of behavior becomes a form of showing off at times. Not all the time, but it can be. Comparing children has lead to a lot of problems. Parents might start thinking less of their own kids if other kids accomplished more.

If this is at the level of backbiting and jealousy, then keep away altogether and don't mix with those people. They are bad news. If you ever participate in backbiting, you lose your good rewards while you do that. It will really affect you beyond the grave. Jealousy is evil. There is no good in it. I know jealous relatives who have caused a lot of harm to my parents. The closer they get, the more they try and ruin you just to get better.

So for the love of God, don't mix with anyone you know to be like this. You are better off without such people. Take it from me, I know of this from experience all too well.

These types of people bring out the worst in you. I know. There is a reason why jealousy and backbiting are Haram for us Muslims. It ruins people.
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greenhill
07-02-2013, 01:40 PM
These things are normal. I don't believe anyone who does not suffer from this however small. There is always something for someone to complain, compare, of things not good enough, etc., and if someone os successful, then he/she may be not generous or tightfisted, if someone is generous, then he is showing off or 'buying' friends, and nobody wins in these kinds of situation.

I do try to bring up my kids well. The only thing there is to make time for them. To notice (when the situation 'cues' it) that the time has come to elaborate on those matters. It is very important for me to build their confidence as a person to deal with cutting remarks from people who do not understand and are very fast to jump to conclusions. They must have their feet firmly planted not to be easily swayed by negative remarks.

Now I am a full fledge adult with teenage kids of my own, I do not worry about those negative people that surrounds my life, I just have to teach my kids to deal with it as this is something they will have to go trough...
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ardianto
07-02-2013, 03:45 PM
Originally Posted by greenhill
These things are normal.
Depend on which community. In my place I found that backbiting and jealousy behavior is strong only among women from low social class.
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