My husband can't take care of me!

[momo3388]

My husband can't afford me. Or may be he just doesn't want to spend on me so he pretends like he can't afford me. We both come from similar economic backgrounds but my husband and my in-laws in general are very miserly. He's a dentist so it's not like he gets a payroll every month but he did not tell me, for the first whole year of our marriage at least, that how much does he make and then after a lot of arguing he told me he managed to make 40 to 50 thousand rs. per month. My parents were told he made around 1 to 1 & a 1/2 lakh at the time of proposal. First I feel cheated. His parents lied. Second I cant get over the fact that he didn't realize he should be independant enough before he can start a family. He wants me to be a good wife in all aspects but I don't feel like being so since he hasn't taken responsibility of taking care of my needs. I feel it's unfair on his part!

Im getting depressed! All my dreams of making a blissful home are shattering! The even sadder part is that i've recently come to know that my mother-in-law is part of it... If not behind the whole agenda: force me to take up a job and hence take care of my own needs and may be later on everyone else's. i'm not planning to do anything like that! I will happily support my husband but if I take up a job now he'll not even bother to try to do something to earn more! At least now he's decided to get a degree from abroad and hence find a better job after 1 and a half years of fights and arguments. But now the problem is he wants me to sell my car (a gift from my parents since his was stolen before marriage) and pay for my own needs. I would've done that if I was also studying a degree with him but i'm not. I want him to take up a job there and then he can call me there when he is established enough - this was already decided. I dont want to sell my car and pay for myself and no one should be telling me what I should do with the money after selling it. Do you think i'm being harsh in standing my ground...? I feel if I keep accomodating him he will never get serious and expect my parents to carry on helping me (i hate that! They've done enough for me - i want to stop being a burden on them now, i have 3 sibling they still have to educate and marry off).
What should I do? Please help me! imsad

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


sorry to hear about ur problems sis .

If his character is good , then just for financial problem , don't take any serious decision i.e go for seperation or divorce etc .

First make up ur mind - do u love him , do u want to stay with him ? If answers are yes , then try to solve the problems tactfully .

How does he spends his money ? He must spend on ur food , clothing etc .
Did he deny to spend for these ? Sorry if u mention about these and i miss it.

[momo3388]

:sl:


sorry to hear about ur problems sis .

If his character is good , then just for financial problem , don't take any serious decision i.e go for seperation or divorce etc .

First make up ur mind - do u love him , do u want to stay with him ? If answers are yes , then try to solve the problems tactfully .

How does he spends his money ? He must spend on ur food , clothing etc .
Did he deny to spend for these ? Sorry if u mention about these and i miss it.

I like him. I will never take a drastic step cuz i feel that'd be immature. He has a good character. I think we're quite compatible. But he does'nt feel I am his responsibility now. Not my parents' and not his parents'. He will avoid getting some item for me till the last moment whether it's food or something else. I literally have to beg for small things. It's demeaning & I feel insulted. I lied this one time by saying the doctor has told me to eat a more healthy diet so I need to get this and this stuff so now he brings me things bu I don't want to lie! Even though he doesn't say it but he prefers if I ask my mother to make me clothes and stuff. I had to ask my mother-in-law to intervene and tell him this isn't unnecessary but a requirement. It hurts more because he isn't direct but uses these indirect ways to get things through to me. Like saying "why don't you ask your mother to take you to a doctor?" (like im stupid and i dont know he's saving money on the fees).

You're right. I need to be tactful. In a non-lying manner. But im not cut out for this. I can't scheme like him. I'm bad at this stuff. I feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't. I think im getting depressed more easily nowadays. i cry alone. I'm afraid if we had kids, will he be able to takecare of them... Or does he even realize he'll have to...?

What should be my frame of mind to approach this? I know I can do it if I get the right guidance. But i dont want to worry my parents.

[Innocent Soul]

Sister I think you need to talk to him. You should know where he is spending his money so that even you can help him manage expenses. I don't think the amount so less for two persons to survive. Maybe he just doesn't spend money the right way. My father mostly keeps a huge sum of money with my mother as mostly she pays the bills. You don't need to be soo sad about it. You could show him some love and ask him about going out together that might make him think. At last you should also pray to Allah for help. :)

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[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

"why don't you ask your mother to take you to a doctor?" (like im stupid and i dont know he's saving money on the fees).

.

tell him politely but firmly that it's a hubby's responsibility to take wife to doctors . Tell him before marriage she did it , now it's ur turn to do it .

50 thousands rs per month sounds a good income . Why can't he spend on u ? If u live in Indo pak subcontinent , this money should be enough for a couple to live a standard life . when he is in a good mood , tell him how proud u are to have a reputed doc as hubby and encourage him to talk to u about future plan .

Also make dua to Allah to make life easy for u and grants what is best for u 2 .

[momo3388]

Sister I think you need to talk to him. You should know where he is spending his money so that even you can help him manage expenses. I don't think the amount so less for two persons to survive. Maybe he just doesn't spend money the right way. My father mostly keeps a huge sum of money with my mother as mostly she pays the bills. You don't need to be soo sad about it. You could show him some love and ask him about going out together that might make him think. At last you should also pray to Allah for help. :)

My father also hands all the money to my mother and then she manages the household expenses and saves the rest. I admit I was expecting the same... Maybe that's why I'm even more disappointed. It would've felt like I was also part of things you know... Like I had an important duty too if he did the same. But oh well everything can't be according to one's choice.
Hmm thank you sister I'll try that approach. Please pray for me.

[momo3388]

:sl:




tell him politely but firmly that it's a hubby's responsibility to take wife to doctors . Tell him before marriage she did it , now it's ur turn to do it .

50 thousands rs per month sounds a good income . Why can't he spend on u ? If u live in Indo pak subcontinent , this money should be enough for a couple to live a standard life . when he is in a good mood , tell him how proud u are to have a reputed doc as hubby and encourage him to talk to u about future plan .

Also make dua to Allah to make life easy for u and grants what is best for u 2 .

Yes I have decided to say it exactly like it is, rather than using indirect ways to make him realize because that's clearly not working.
I think he's saving up dunno what for... But I have no issue with that as far as he provides for the basic needs. Honestly I have come to analyse that it's more of an attitude... How some people just can't spend not even on themselves, let alone others. But I aim to change that gradually inshAllah! Please pray for me.
I'll look for the right moment and try that technique. :jz: Muslim Woman

[Futuwwa]

You should tell him that you are uneasy about his financial management. As your husband he has a religiously mandated duty to provide for you. If he claims that he can't afford it, you should request to see his bank account history, make him prove that he is in such a tight financial situation as he says. Then you can determine for yourself whether there is any truth to what he says, after you have seen where the money really goes.

Looking at the numbers to see where the money actually goes is something I can recommend for any couple with financial disagreements. Actually my wife and I just did that today, and it's all good now :)

[Ali Mujahidin]

Alright, I have a rather radical suggestion to solve this problem. So hang on to your chairs and listen up.

From what I have read so far, I am assuming that this is an arranged marriage. Therefor I suggest all the parties to this arrangement be brought into the picture. Apparently the husband has no inkling about what his husbandly responsibility is. So get both sides of the family together. Plus whoever it was that arranged the match, namely the match-maker. Also get a knowledgeable Muslim person to be the arbitrator. In my country, you can apply to the Shariah court to get someone with legal knowledge and legal authority.

Then lay the cards on the table.

You are prepared to perform your wifely duties. On condition that your husband knows his husbandly duties are in the first place and is prepared to perform them willingly. If there is no agreement on this issue, then I seriously suggest a cool-off period where both husband and wife live separately for a while. No, don't misunderstand me. I am definitely not advocating a divorce or anything like that. However, there cannot be a marriage if the woman is prepared to be a wife but the man is not prepared to be a husband.

Follow my drift?

[Muhaba]

I agree with thse who say that 40-50000 is not a small amount in ind-pak, especially if he owns the house. If he's paying rent (for house and/or clinic) then you need to deduct that amount and see how much is left over.

Afterward, you both need to make a budget for the necessary items that your husband must pay for every month. This includes food, medicine, clothing, utilities bills, etc. You'll need to be practical about this and not expect luxuries. It's true that you may have come from a wealthy family and were expecting a more luxurious life (that you could've gotten with the 1-1.5 lakh monthly income) but since your husband is earning far less than that, you need to accept it and live with it so long as he hasn't gotten a better job. You'll need to make some compromises too.

So you need to look into your and your husband's behaviors. Is he spending on the necessities but you want luxuries? Or is he absolutely not spending on the necessities either? Does he not bring any food to the house according to his income? Can he afford a better diet but he's being miserly (for example he isn't bringing as much meat as he can and should?). Or does he bring the necessities but you want to eat out every week, buy very expensive ready-made clothes, buy unnecessary clothing jewelry accessories etc.? (Do you absolutely need the clothes you're asking your husband to get you? how many items do you have in your wardrobe and how old are they? Some ppl have a habit of getting new clothes every month when they don't really need them. It's one thing to get a dress, a pair of shoes, etc for a special occasion but it's a different thing to expect to buy a new dress every month while you still have perfectly usable clothes. When you consider asking your husband for new clothes, first ask yourself when you got your previous dress, how many clothes you have already that are in good condition and whether you need the new one for a special occasion.)

After you've considered your own and your husband's behaviors and made some compromises regarding what you want, then speak to your husband. Make a list of the required household items that he should buy every month. Add to that money for transportation, medical bills, clothing etc that he should give you. As well as bills he should pay. Give this list to your husband and see what is his response. If your husband still has much leftover, insist that a portion of that amount be placed in his saving account and another portion should be placed in your saving account for your future as well as your children's. If you don't own a house then tell your husband that instead of wasting money on other things, his first priority should be to buy a house or apartment so your future is secure.

Note: you'll also need to subtract from his salary anything that he's giving to his parents. If that amount is unreasonably high, then you should definitely speak to your husband about it. If your problem isn't solved, then speak to your parents and his parents and any middle-party (as one brother suggested). But before you do so, take the above steps. Make your husband understand that he needs to save money for his future children instead of wasting it uselessly. He needs to make sure your children's future is secure. They should have a house of their own, money for education and other needs as well as an amount set aside incase the father can't earn anything at some point in time.

[momo3388]

You should tell him that you are uneasy about his financial management. As your husband he has a religiously mandated duty to provide for you. If he claims that he can't afford it, you should request to see his bank account history, make him prove that he is in such a tight financial situation as he says. Then you can determine for yourself whether there is any truth to what he says, after you have seen where the money really goes.

Looking at the numbers to see where the money actually goes is something I can recommend for any couple with financial disagreements. Actually my wife and I just did that today, and it's all good now :)

Actually that could have been feasible if he had a monthly income but that's not the case. It comes and goes in bits... But I'll give it a try. Good to know all is well between you and your wife :)

[momo3388]

Alright, I have a rather radical suggestion to solve this problem. So hang on to your chairs and listen up.

From what I have read so far, I am assuming that this is an arranged marriage. Therefor I suggest all the parties to this arrangement be brought into the picture. Apparently the husband has no inkling about what his husbandly responsibility is. So get both sides of the family together. Plus whoever it was that arranged the match, namely the match-maker. Also get a knowledgeable Muslim person to be the arbitrator. In my country, you can apply to the Shariah court to get someone with legal knowledge and legal authority.

Then lay the cards on the table.

You are prepared to perform your wifely duties. On condition that your husband knows his husbandly duties are in the first place and is prepared to perform them willingly. If there is no agreement on this issue, then I seriously suggest a cool-off period where both husband and wife live separately for a while. No, don't misunderstand me. I am definitely not advocating a divorce or anything like that. However, there cannot be a marriage if the woman is prepared to be a wife but the man is not prepared to be a husband.

Follow my drift?

I have been suggested to do that by an older friend as well. I have kept that as my last resort because I feel such interactions can bring somewhat permanent strifes into a relationship as well as between the families. But I've given it a time limit and if things don't improve till then that's exactly what i'm going to do. Thanks :)

[momo3388]

I agree with thse who say that 40-50000 is not a small amount in ind-pak, especially if he owns the house. If he's paying rent (for house and/or clinic) then you need to deduct that amount and see how much is left over.

Afterward, you both need to make a budget for the necessary items that your husband must pay for every month. This includes food, medicine, clothing, utilities bills, etc. You'll need to be practical about this and not expect luxuries. It's true that you may have come from a wealthy family and were expecting a more luxurious life (that you could've gotten with the 1-1.5 lakh monthly income) but since your husband is earning far less than that, you need to accept it and live with it so long as he hasn't gotten a better job. You'll need to make some compromises too.

So you need to look into your and your husband's behaviors. Is he spending on the necessities but you want luxuries? Or is he absolutely not spending on the necessities either? Does he not bring any food to the house according to his income? Can he afford a better diet but he's being miserly (for example he isn't bringing as much meat as he can and should?). Or does he bring the necessities but you want to eat out every week, buy very expensive ready-made clothes, buy unnecessary clothing jewelry accessories etc.? (Do you absolutely need the clothes you're asking your husband to get you? how many items do you have in your wardrobe and how old are they? Some ppl have a habit of getting new clothes every month when they don't really need them. It's one thing to get a dress, a pair of shoes, etc for a special occasion but it's a different thing to expect to buy a new dress every month while you still have perfectly usable clothes. When you consider asking your husband for new clothes, first ask yourself when you got your previous dress, how many clothes you have already that are in good condition and whether you need the new one for a special occasion.)

After you've considered your own and your husband's behaviors and made some compromises regarding what you want, then speak to your husband. Make a list of the required household items that he should buy every month. Add to that money for transportation, medical bills, clothing etc that he should give you. As well as bills he should pay. Give this list to your husband and see what is his response. If your husband still has much leftover, insist that a portion of that amount be placed in his saving account and another portion should be placed in your saving account for your future as well as your children's. If you don't own a house then tell your husband that instead of wasting money on other things, his first priority should be to buy a house or apartment so your future is secure.

Note: you'll also need to subtract from his salary anything that he's giving to his parents. If that amount is unreasonably high, then you should definitely speak to your husband about it. If your problem isn't solved, then speak to your parents and his parents and any middle-party (as one brother suggested). But before you do so, take the above steps. Make your husband understand that he needs to save money for his future children instead of wasting it uselessly. He needs to make sure your children's future is secure. They should have a house of their own, money for education and other needs as well as an amount set aside incase the father can't earn anything at some point in time.

I admit I did demand some luxuries that you have mentioned in the beginning of our marriage because yes my family is somewhat wealthier and I have been spoiled (by his standards). Also because I was a new bride I deemed indulging in a few luxuries wouldn't hurt much at least in the hay days. However, since he never opened up about our economic condition I assumed he must just be miserly so I would usually joke about the whole thing. They are five brothers and all his brothers are doing quite well and living comfortable lives with their families so honestly I never expected we'll have this kind of trouble. When I did come to know about our condition I've tamed down quite a bit. In fact we hardly go out to eat and stuff now. The clothes that I get are only seasonal (since all I own is fancy stuff) and not more than 2-3 dresses in six months. Even on our anniversary he did'nt give me anything expensive, in fact he didn't plan to give me anything but then I made a racket about it. My only luxuries now are pizza once a month and occasional cosmetics shopping online since they're delivered at home (read: he never takes me shopping) and I'm hangin on to these.
Oh thank you for reminding me. He's not giving anything to his parents (older brothers take care of that). 40 to 50 thousand is left after deduction of bills and clinic rent. We live at his parent's place so owning the house isn't a worry right now. That's why it's even more frustrating! If he's not spending the money on anyone else than he should have more than enough to spend on me.
Yes I'll make that budget at least of my own monthly expenses so I can see where is the rest of the money going. This way i'll have something to confront him with. Thanks writer. This really helped.