Haraam to marry if you dont take wife to malls/cinema

[anonymous]

Is it fard for the man to take wife for a night out to even if he hates them. Is the haraam to keep your wife only at home all the time because of homesickness and miserliness to spend money on malls/jewellery ? Did the Prophet ( Salallaahu alaihi wa sallam ) take his wife to the local bazaars during his lifetime

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:


Mothers of the beleivers pbut and wives of the companions were not stay idle at home and to my knowledge there was no bar on them that they can't go outside . They visited their parents , they taught others about Islam , they went to mosque etc .

Women are encouraged to stay at res but it does not mean they can't go out if they want . Unnecessary spending is not allowed . U may take ur hijabi wife to market with u and allow her to buy necessary items for her and the household.

And Allah Knows Best.

[anonymous]

Does window shopping and jewellery classify as "necessary items for her and household" and not doing that amount to misery.Also is it haraam to marry if you dont take her out to cinemas to watch movies but will watch them by ordering and downloading it home .

[ardianto]

I will start with a question.

Have you married?

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[anonymous]

no, but i am being denied marriage , because of my reluctance to the above mentioned reasons

[Hamza Asadullah]

:sl:

Brother please think carefully before marrying someone who refuses to marry you on the basis of the fact that you are reluctant to go to the movies and shopping malls with her.

Look for a God fearing woman who wants nothing more than to do her utmost to please Allah and work tirelessy for the Hereafter. Surely this is a sign for you to review your criterea of a life partner.

[جوري]

I don't think you're being denied marriage because of the above reasons. To me the topic is superficial all together.
I dislike very much malls and certain areas where the demographics doesn't suit me. They rouse in me a feeling of suffocation & trigger panic attacks so I avoid them, but if someone came and proposed to me and told me he doesn't want to take me window shopping or to the mall I'd show him the door, I find no joy in window shopping or malls and his dislike for something that I dislike would be otherwise a welcome thing but gauging his character is ultimately the decider. I don't find much character in a guy whose query of haram and halal when it comes to marriage is so low and restricted to cinema and malls or that he doesn't know the answer to such basic things as his role as a husband or what it means to compromise be dutiful and the basic understanding of a religion.
You're being judged on many things.. it comes down to sour grapes I guess, I hope you'll reflect on your choices and approach.
I am not being harsh, I am just laying it down for what it appears to the naked eye.

:w:

[anonymous]

Look for a God fearing woman who wants nothing more than to do her utmost to please Allah and work tirelessy for the Hereafter. Surely this is a sign for you to review your criterea of a life partner.

The women are god fearing -pray salaah 5 times ,fast etc but expect to be taken for a weekend outing to malls and cinema and consider as husband's responsibility .a number of divorces are happening because of husband failing to take them for outing to malls and cinema . I dont think hermit women exist who isolate themselves exist. If they do let me know where i can find them

[ardianto]

A wife need clothes, shoes, also want to have handbag, accesories, etc. And it's the husband responsibility to buy what the wife need or want.

Don't worry, a good wife will never demand anything beyond the husband ability. And if you have a good wife like this you would be happy and proud if you could pay what your wife buy.

Actually women who can be a good wife are much enough, you just don't know it.

[Hamza Asadullah]

The women are god fearing -pray salaah 5 times ,fast etc but expect to be taken for a weekend outing to malls and cinema and consider as husband's responsibility .a number of divorces are happening because of husband failing to take them for outing to malls and cinema . I dont think hermit women exist who isolate themselves exist. If they do let me know where i can find them

Who says women should be like "hermits" and not be taken out from time to time. They must also be taken out in order for the husband to buy her things she needs. Brother what is it that you want froma wife?

[ardianto]

Who says women should be like "hermits" and not be taken out from time to time. They must also be taken out in order for the husband to buy her things she needs. Brother what is it that you want froma wife?

I think he is influenced by people who rant "women love luxury! if you can't fulfill what your wife demand, she will ask divorce!"

[anonymous]

Who says women should be like "hermits" and not be taken out from time to time. They must also be taken out in order for the husband to buy her things she needs. Brother what is it that you want froma wife?

I think you either didnt understand the subject or you probably dont know what you're talking about. This isnt about buying the monthly groceries, basic necessities or buying the occasonal gifts for Eid, anniversary,birthdays etc . This is about taking them out to malls for window shopping on all weekends regardless of whether there is something to be bought or not and also to cinemas whenever there is a new movie which they want to see ,when the same can be done at home .a sister above mentions something along the lines that the man needs to compromise in his husband role in order be dutiful twife.I am not willing to compromise to the extent of doing the above acts in my role as a husband and the same will not please any potential marriage partner thus making the marriage haraam for me. Hope this helps .

[Hamza Asadullah]

I think you either didnt understand the subject or you probably dont know what you're talking about. This isnt about buying the monthly groceries, basic necessities or buying the occasonal gifts for Eid, anniversary,birthdays etc . This is about taking them out to malls for window shopping on all weekends regardless of whether there is something to be bought or not and also to cinemas whenever there is a new movie which they want to see ,when the same can be done at home .a sister above mentions something along the lines that the man needs to compromise in his husband role in order be dutiful twife.I am not willing to compromise to the extent of doing the above acts in my role as a husband and the same will not please any potential marriage partner thus making the marriage haraam for me. Hope this helps .

Then simply say no to marrying her and look for a more like minded pious and practising sister who has no interest in such things. Problem solved

[anonymous]

^^ And thats where the problem lies .My Parents who are responsible for arranging the marriage for me have painted all sisters on this earth with the same brush (all window shoppers/movie watchers ) and say that they are no likeminded sisters and thus dont want me to marry and ruin a girl's life . So,I need to prove to them that all are not window shoppers/movie watchers in order to be considered as "eligible" for marriage

[Hamza Asadullah]

^^ And thats where the problem lies .My Parents who are responsible for arranging the marriage for me have painted all sisters on this earth with the same brush (all window shoppers/movie watchers ) and say that they are no likeminded sisters and thus dont want me to marry and ruin a girl's life . So,I need to prove to them that all are not window shoppers/movie watchers in order to be considered as "eligible" for marriage

Exactly, just tell them to not generalise as everyone is different and other parents who are also looking for marriage for their daughters can easily include you as a male in their own generalisations such as "All men are the same" but it is not fair to paint everyone with the same brush and do you should tell them not to judge others but let Allah judge as he is the only one who has the authority to do so.

Tell them to have trust and hope in Allah and to keep looking and also ask local Masjids, close friends, relatives and family to also let you know of any good practising pious girls and keep making sincere Dua and have hope and trust and leave the rest to Allah.

Effort + Dua + patience + trust and hope in Allah = Success in every aspect of life.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^^ And thats where the problem lies .My Parents who are responsible for arranging the marriage for me have painted all sisters on this earth with the same brush (all window shoppers/movie watchers ) and say that they are no likeminded sisters and thus dont want me to marry and ruin a girl's life . So,I need to prove to them that all are not window shoppers/movie watchers in order to be considered as "eligible" for marriage

lol what a trial, may Allaah assist you.

tell your parents to keep looking and inshAllaah a suitable candidate will arrive.

lol bro, forgive me but your situation should be taken with light humour I believe, your parents may have had very bad experience with worldly women/young girls so far. They need to broaden their horizons and look towards the more hijaab/niqaab oriented families for you.

[ardianto]

Excuse me, bro. I begin to thinking that you are type of man who like to spend your time alone in your room, and you lock yourself in your room too long. It makes you don't know anything about reality in the real world.

I've ever married for almost 19 years until my wife passed away two weeks ago. And my marriage went well. It's because I've learned much about marriage life before I got married. I observed marriage life of older people around me. It made me knew how is marriage life and what I should do in marriage.

My relationship with my wife was well. it's because I have many experiences in friendship, with males!. Of course, there are differences between man and man friendship and husband wife relationship. But there is one similarity, the human and human relationship. In friendship with my male friends I learned how to respect, appreciate, and understand each other. It's very useful in my marriage life.

So, bro, go out from your room, get friends, and start learn about life in the real world.

[Futuwwa]

You are under no obligation to appease the vanity of your wife. You are obliged to provide her the same standard of living that you have, but that's it.

[anonymous]

I begin to thinking that you are type of man who like to spend your time alone in your room, and you lock yourself in your room too long.

Exactly . You hit the nail on the head . I am that type of man and the question is whether this character of mine would put me on the same level as a poor begger and exempt me from marriage .

[ardianto]

Exactly . You hit the nail on the head . I am that type of man and the question is whether this character of mine would put me on the same level as a poor begger and exempt me from marriage .

Now I understand why your parents told you like that.

Every wife want her house become her palace, not her jail. There are times when the wives want to go out although not always to mall. And they want to go out with their husbands and children. I think this what your parent want to say.

I don't say you are not deserve to get married, but it's very hard to find a woman who want to marry you if you always stay at home and she cannot go anywhere too.

[Ali Mujahidin]

Exactly . You hit the nail on the head . I am that type of man and the question is whether this character of mine would put me on the same level as a poor begger and exempt me from marriage .

Oh dear, you are not serious, are you? I mean you are not really the type who stays inside his room the whole day long, are you? Don't you even go out to work? Or go to the mosque for solat jemaah? Or go out to learn from the maulanas? Or go out to do your duty in spreading the truth about Islam?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Exactly . You hit the nail on the head . I am that type of man and the question is whether this character of mine would put me on the same level as a poor begger and exempt me from marriage .

find at least one spiritual person who has in-depth knowledge of islam and practises it and follow him for a while. this will help you come out of this seclusion i guarantee it.

ensure he is strictly following shariah and sunnah - madhab etc !

[anonymous]

There are times when the wives want to go out although not always to mall. And they want to go out with their husbands and children. I think this what your parent want to say.

And I am fine with going out in those times to places as long as it isnt anything extravagant and boring like windowshopping to malls/cinema etc.

Oh dear, you are not serious, are you? I mean you are not really the type who stays inside his room the whole day long, are you? Don't you even go out to work? Or go to the mosque for solat jemaah? Or go out to learn from the maulanas? Or go out to do your duty in spreading the truth about Islam?

Really rubbish questions and also irrelevant to the subject . Of course i work 5 days a week , do Salaah and spread messages of islam , its just that I dont want to take with wife out in weekends unless its something critical and want to just relax at home after a tiring week .

[Ali Mujahidin]

Really rubbish questions and also irrelevant to the subject . Of course i work 5 days a week , do Salaah and spread messages of islam , its just that I dont want to take with wife out in weekends unless its something critical and want to just relax at home after a tiring week .

Good. Now we are getting somewhere. So you are actually a regular guy who works and performs solat in jemaah and do your duty as a slave of Allah. Now what have you learned about the duties of a husband? Does it include keeping your wife as a, more or less, permanent prisoner in the house?

Myself, I am not a great fan of window-shopping nor do I believe that shopping malls, where men and women mix freely, are the best places to bring my wife to, but I also understand that my wife was not brought up the same way as I was nor does she think exactly the same way I do about Islam. So I make some compromises here and there. As long as I can keep things within the broad guidelines of Islam, I think I am doing alright.

The way I see it, Islam is a way of life which makes living on this earth a good experience. Islam, as far as I know, is not such a straight and narrow path which is so very limited and restricted that only very, very few people can follow it.

[ardianto]

I often went out with my wife and my children. Usually my wife took initiative "I want to go to ...." so we went to the place that she want. I knew my wife would be getting bored if she always stayed at home. She had done many thing to please me and made me happy. So, why didn't I please her with giving what she want?

We went to various places. Relatives and friends homes, recreation center and parks, marketplace and supermarket to buy household needs. And we often enough went to bazar or mall. My wife bought clothes, shoes, handbag, accessories, and I paid what she bought. I've spent much money for it. Extravagance?. No!, this is the husband duty, and I'm proud I could fulfill my duty.

Anon, if you could thinking like me, then your parent would not get a big difficulty to find a wife for you. You trust your parent to find a wife for you. And your parent try to maintain trust from your wife parent, if your parent could get a wife for you. They don't want your wife depressed because she is jailed at home, and when she want to have something you call it extravagance.

Your parent did not 'paint' the sisters as window shopper or movie watcher, they just tried to tell you how the female world is, but you misunderstood them. I've ever been a son, and now I'm a father, in your parent age, and I have two sons.

Actually not all women are movie watcher. Mostly of married women prefer to watch movie at home. And not all women are shopping maniac. Of course they need clothes, or other things, and they enjoy the time when they shop what they need. Don't worry, a good wife will not demand anything beyond the husband ability.

Being a husband is not easy. But also not as hard as my assumption before I got married. And don't believe if some people say a number of divorces are happening because of husbands failing to take their wives for outing to malls and cinema. This is just a lie that made by some ex-husbands to hide their fault in being a good husbands.

[anonymous]

Does it include keeping your wife as a, more or less, permanent prisoner in the house?

What about all those people in remote areas and village ? I suppose they are all hermit nazis suffocating their other halves at home .

My wife bought clothes, shoes, handbag, accessories, and I paid what she bought. I've spent much money for it. Extravagance?. No!, this is the husband duty, and I'm proud I could fulfill my duty

I dont have money to keep buying such jewellery,handbags,clothes,shoes stuff each and every week for her nor do i have time, money or energy to spend on nagging wife's window-shopping or watching films in cinemas each week . This is extravagance plain and simple !. and I am proud that I am not extravagant and will give away wealth in charity instead .Hope that solves the mystery for youProphet PBUH also said : "The destruction of my female followers lies in two things – gold and immodest clothes"

[Ali Mujahidin]

What about all those people in remote areas and village ? I suppose they are all hermit nazis suffocating their other halves at home .

I have lived in some villages before. In the villages, both husband and wife go out together to get the work done. They go farming together. They go planting padi together. They go rubber-tapping together. As far as I have noticed from real-life personal observation, no women in the villages are being suffocated at home.

Just curious. Have you ever lived in a village before?

Somehow I think we are getting closer to the nub of the problem. Why do you think it's an extravagance to buy things for your wife? Do you really expect your wife to live just on the bare necessities? Surely you cannot be that cruel. Your wife is also a human being. She is very definitely not a dog that you chain under the house and feed with left-overs.

[anonymous]

I have lived in some villages before. In the villages, both husband and wife go out together to get the work done. They go farming together. They go planting padi together. They go rubber-tapping together.

You missed the point , there are no malls to windowshop Louie Vuitton, , Paris hilton, jewellery brand and cinemas to watch movies, yet the woman manages to live without it .and you seem u think that it is oxygen to them and they will die like a fish taken out of water if they don’t have all that luxury . How do you explain that ?

Somehow I think we are getting closer to the nub of the problem.

No you don’t seem to being getting close to root of the problem and just seem to be going around in circles .

Why do you think it's an extravagance to buy things for your wife?

Because Those things are not critical and are being bought to mainly show off .I have poor relatives who need money and there is so much inflation around , monthly expenses, maintenance costs, etc thus I would rather save that money for better purposes or give off in charity.

Do you really expect your wife to live just on the bare necessities? Surely you cannot be that cruel. Your wife is also a human being. She is very definitely not a dog that you chain under the house and feed with left-overs.

Now You are putting words in my mouth . I didn’t say that she is a dog being served left overs and I am paying for our food ,dress, medicines , rent for the home where she stays , transport etc but I am not in a position where I can waste money in window-shopping and cinema or feed her jewellery ,antiques and other designer crap every week .

[ardianto]

I dont have money to keep buying such jewellery,handbags,clothes,shoes stuff each and every week for her nor do i have time, money or energy to spend on nagging wife's window-shopping or watching films in cinemas each week . This is extravagance plain and simple !. and I am proud that I am not extravagant and will give away wealth in charity instead .Hope that solves the mystery for youProphet PBUH also said : "The destruction of my female followers lies in two things – gold and immodest clothes"

How could you say it's extravagant if my wife bought what she and my family need?. My wife never bought antiques or expensive ornament.

Yes, women like shopping. But it doesn't mean women love to spend money only to satisfy their desire, they just enjoy the time when they buy something for them and their families. I've spent much money, of course, but it's because I have two kids, and my family need other stuffs too like household wares.

Don't worry, the wives understand their husbands financial ability. And don't worry you will not able to fulfill your family needs. If you have family, you would have a better motivation to work. In Shaa Allah, then you would have better income.

I have better motivation to work because I have family. I want to make my family happy, and I'm happy and proud if I could buy something for them.

:)

[IbnAbdulHakim]

ardianto what you described is most certainly extravagance. call it what it is please.

[ardianto]

ardianto what you described is most certainly extravagance. call it what it is please.

Is it extravagance if your mother buy some clothes for her, you and your sister? :)

[anonymous]

What? You are *not* the OP? So what are you doing posting under the account of the OP? I just checked the opening post and the stats of the opening poster is the same as yours. So how about posting under your own account so that the situation does not become more confusing. It's already confusing enough as it is.
In the beginning, we seem to be dealing with someone who lives in a cave. A male, too, since he talks about marrying a woman. Then we find out that he is actually a regular guy who goes to work, prays in jemaah and goes out to do dakwah. Now the OP has become a female.
Please post under your own account. That's assuming that the OP is not actually a Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde kind of person.

Well I'm sorry it seems that way. I didn't make this thread we are 2 different people. I am a female and I just wanted to say that not all women are obsessed with window shopping and cinemas as this thread is insinuating. Either way, I don't have an IB account and this is not the first time 2 anonymous posters post in the same thread. I understand the bother it causes and this is my last contribution to this thread. Again, I apologise.

[AabiruSabeel]

Well I'm sorry it seems that way. I didn't make this thread we are 2 different people. ...

The Anonymous account is to be used only for creating a new thread seeking advice anonymously and for replying on your own thread. It is not to be used for giving out anonymous advice by replying on anyone else's thread.

Please refrain from doing this again.

Thank you.

[Ali Mujahidin]

ardianto what you described is most certainly extravagance. call it what it is please.

I think I must have missed something. I did re-read ardianto's post and I still cannot see anything there which is extravagance. Perhaps you can be more specific. It's possible you saw something in his post which I totally missed.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

extravagance is constantly shopping without need my dear brothers. ardianto your patience is to be admired

[ardianto]

extravagance is constantly shopping without need my dear brothers. ardianto your patience is to be admired

There are women who urged their husbands when they want to buy something. And if their husbands say "no" they are angry. Of course need a patience if we have a wife like this.

But my wife was not a woman like this.

We often went shopping because there were always something that we need to buy. Yes, often enough my wife bought spontaneously when she saw something that interesting her. But I didn't mind. She was a good wife, so I wanted to please her.

Do you know? I've ever fell in business. I lost my company, a house, car, big amount of money. My position dropped from company director who sat behind big desk and drove good car into a salesman who traveling around on motorbike.

But my wife could accept it. She was still loyal to me, always support me, always made du'a for me. She understood my financial ability in that time, and bought only that we really need.

Alhamdulillah, I could rise again and started new business. My income started increased.

Don't blame my wife if then she was extravagant enough. But blame me who wanted to please her with let her buy that she wants.

Not every woman is same. Do not paint all women with same brush.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ that doesnt sound like extravagance. MashAllaah.

you made it sound extravagant with the eating out and sightseeing etc

brother i have developed a strong distaste for this world because i see it as a distraction towards reality. so what i see as extravagant may be normal to you


i sometimes worry that my wife will not be able to stand me to be honest because i cant stand spending without absoulte necessity

[ardianto]

^ that doesnt sound like extravagance. MashAllaah.

you made it sound extravagant with the eating out and sightseeing etc

brother i have developed a strong distaste for this world because i see it as a distraction towards reality. so what i see as extravagant may be normal to you


i sometimes worry that my wife will not be able to stand me to be honest because i cant stand spending without absoulte necessity

In my previous post I admit that my wife was extravagant enough in shopping. But it's because me. She was a good wife. If I told her "no!" she would obey me. But I didn't say no to her shopping habit and it became a permission for her to buy what she want.

So, don't blame my wife, but blame me. What she had done when she became my wife are my responsibility as her Imam.

Young bro, you don't need to follow my way in pampering the wife. Extravagance is not good, of course. You can pamper her in other ways such as always appreciate her.

Do not worry your wife will not able to stand with you if you don't pamper her in shopping. A good wife must be understand if you want to use your money for the good things such as prepare your kids education cost, build a house, etc.

But as a human, your wife must be want to have something too beside have what she need. So, if sometime she tell you she want to have something that not expensive and you have money, why don't you give her as a gift for the good wife who accompany you in your life.

:)

[Signor]

Asalamu Alaikum

It will be off topic but I hope not out of context Insha Allah

brother i have developed a strong distaste for this world because i see it as a distraction towards reality.

I wrote this once:

Islam provides a system of balance between spirit and physical needs.For example Islam closes the door of completely abstinence from marriage and intimate relations as done by monks and nuns do.It provides the way to satisfy your sensual gratification in a right way.This is why you see Muhammad(PBUH) having a life with wives and children but at the same time on the spiritual side you will find him on the top.No one has more control on himself than RasulAllah(PBUH).From an Islamic perceptive,We can use world and all whats in it(how Allah told us to do) but we shouldn't be get consumed by it.Unfortunately,with many influences on our minds we forget to attain the middle path and this is why there exists two extremes on both sides now.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ i will marry bro lol and my abstinence isnt anywhere near on the level it should be. i still give into to many things i shouldnt but i never make excuses. if i do wrong i will still call it wrong hoping it opens a door for myself to change.

our beloved saws showed us the greatness of abstinence when he chose to live like the poor rather then like a king when given the choice. it is still very much commendable to live like a king but as a philanthropist. i myself love a certain mu'min who owns a very influential and rich organisation because he has chosen the life of spirituality and spends only on his family and charitable causes so i dont think wealth is a bad thing


but what i saw written before to me seemed like something i cannot do thus i spoke and perhaps out of turn so may Allah have mercy on me

[anonymous]

Many women who go out to the malls are just looking around , wasting time and dream about what they COULD get if they had the money and I am someone who cant stand this type of behavior .I want to know whether there is any verse in the quran or hadith which would forbid marriage for those who dont have patience to tolerate window-shopping .

[Hamza Asadullah]

Many women who go out to the malls are just looking around , wasting time and dream about what they COULD get if they had the money and I am someone who cant stand this type of behavior .I want to know whether there is any verse in the quran or hadith which would forbid marriage for those who dont have patience to tolerate window-shopping .

This thread is getting quite tedious now. You have already been told numerous times throughout this thread that if you dont like something in a person in the pursuit of marriage then simply move on and continue looking for someone that you are happy to marry.

So please brother stop wasting your time rambling on about women "window shoppers" lol.

[ardianto]

Every woman expect her man can buy something that she want. The difference between one woman and other women is just in "level". There are women who want very much or want expensive stuffs. There are modest women who just want to have a clothes from cheap bazar.

If you have a wife, must be she expect you to buy something that she want. As the husband you must able to tolerate it.

Don't worry, modest woman will not expect expensive stuff and will not often. Also she will not ask something if she know you don't have money. And the most important is, modest woman is not window shopper.

Marry a modest woman if you can.

[anonymous]

You have already been told numerous times throughout this thread that if you dont like something in a person in the pursuit of marriage then simply move on and continue looking for someone that you are happy to marry.

And how am I supposed to do that if my parents are not willing to accept non-window shoppers/cinema goers as their daughter inlaw and thus forcing me to live like a bachelor all my life . How do I get them to back off from my choice of marriage partner ? Should I walk them to a court so that some kind of legal action can be taken on this issue ?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ lol tell them you'll find pious helpers who'll support your endeavour and Allaah is the best of helpers.

[anonymous]

Hamza, Still waiting for an answer on #44. . What do you suggest ?

[Hamza Asadullah]

And how am I supposed to do that if my parents are not willing to accept non-window shoppers/cinema goers as their daughter inlaw and thus forcing me to live like a bachelor all my life . How do I get them to back off from my choice of marriage partner ? Should I walk them to a court so that some kind of legal action can be taken on this issue ?

:sl:

Aah ok. You didn't mention before that it is your parents who have compelled you to marry such a person. My brother you should sit down with your parents and have an open conversation with them regarding the fact that you are not looking for a materialistic person and that you are wanting to marry a woman who has piety and deen. If you are finding it difficult to get through to your parents about this then ask one of the elders of your family who you think will have influence on your parents and are understanding of the fact that one should marry for piety. Get them to talk to your parents. If this is not possible then ask a scholar or an elder of the community who has much influence to convince them on your behalf.

You must try to get them to understand but never shout or get frustrated at your parents no matter what they say to you as they have the right to be honoured by you as their son. Also make much Dua to Allah that he softens their heart in order that they understand that piety is far more important than any other attribute to look for in a partner for marriage.

[anonymous]

My brother you should sit down with your parents and have an open conversation with them regarding the fact that you are not looking for a materialistic person and that you are wanting to marry a woman who has piety and deen. If you are finding it difficult to get through to your parents about this then ask one of the elders of your family who you think will have influence on your parents and are understanding of the fact that one should marry for piety. Get them to talk to your parents. If this is not possible then ask a scholar or an elder of the community who has much influence to convince them on your behalf.

I have discussed it multiple times and they are not willing to listen. And all those elders/relatives are backing my parents on this and they are no scholars around who can help either ( Only imams and muezzins who do the 5 prayers ) and even if there are my parents arent of the type that will subscribe to thier views either. They are even threatening to dishown me as and are telling me to leave them .I have been well and truly cornered on this and need real help and I am thus thinking of leaving them and live separatly and only return if their hearts are softened on this.

[ardianto]

If you told us your true situation since the beginning I would not misunderstand it and regard you as a man with 'difficult personality'. But okay, now I begin to understand your situation.

What you should do now?.

Still stay at your parent home and telling your parent that you don't want to marry the woman that chosen by your parent. If they threat you and tell you to leave them, still stay at your parent home. If they threat you again, still stay with them and do not show any sign that you have idea to live separately. But if they finally say "Go out from our home!", .... that's the time to go.

If you leave them now, they will regard you as a rebel who against the parent. It will make their heart hard to be softened. But if you leave them after they expel you, maybe they will thinking that you are actually a good son, but they are too hard to you. It will make their heart easier to be softened.

But I hope their heart will be softened without you need to leave them.

[anonymous]

If you told us your true situation since the beginning I would not misunderstand it and regard you as a man with 'difficult personality'

That fine , I have always been regarded as the abnormal black sheep of the family by everyone around my closest circle so I am quite used to it.

Still stay at your parent home and telling your parent that you don't want to marry the woman that chosen by your parent. If they threat you and tell you to leave them, still stay at your parent home. If they threat you again, still stay with them and do not show any sign that you have idea to live separately. But if they finally say "Go out from our home!", .... that's the time to go. If you leave them now, they will regard you as a rebel who against the parent. It will make their heart hard to be softened. But if you leave them after they expel you, maybe they will thinking that you are actually a good son, but they are too hard to you. It will make their heart easier to be softened. But I hope their heart will be softened without you need to leave them.

I hope so too. But they always make it sound as though I am the hard hearted one who has failed to live up to the standard sets by those so called perfect husbands , so I really dont know how they can soften their stubborn stance on this .

[ardianto]

That fine , I have always been regarded as the abnormal black sheep of the family by everyone around my closest circle so I am quite used to it.

Human are social creature that influence each other through positive thought and negative thought, depend on their way of thinking. When we failed in our effort, positive thinking people will tell us "It's okay, you can learn from your fault and try again". While negative thinking people will tell us "You are loser!". It will give different effect on us. Get positive thought will raise our motivation, get negative thought can make us lose our confidence.

Unfortunately, negative thinking people are more active to influence their thought to other people than positive thinking people.

Now ask yourself, are you an abnormal blacksheep?. If not, start realize that you are a human with your own personality. If yes, read again what I've written above, negative thinking people are more active to influence their thought to other people than positive thinking people.

Fill your mind with positive thought, throw away the negative thought.

I hope so too. But they always make it sound as though I am the hard hearted one who has failed to live up to the standard sets by those so called perfect husbands

Nobody perfect. So, there is no perfect husband or perfect wife. Also there is no ideal husband or ideal wife in early of marriage. Husband and wife can be ideal for their spouse only through learning process in marriage. You can start learn how to be ideal husband for your wife after you get married.

so I really dont know how they can soften their stubborn stance on this

Ask help from Allah, bro. Always make du'a. :)

[Ali Mujahidin]

And how am I supposed to do that if my parents are not willing to accept non-window shoppers/cinema goers as their daughter inlaw and thus forcing me to live like a bachelor all my life . How do I get them to back off from my choice of marriage partner ? Should I walk them to a court so that some kind of legal action can be taken on this issue ?

Just need to confirm this so that I can be less confused. So it is your parents who are against what you call "window-shopping/cinema-going" women. right? It's not you who is against such women, right?

[anonymous]

Now ask yourself, are you an abnormal blacksheep?.

That is not an easy question to answer . What might be normal in one culture & community may be considered abnormal in another . Here it is like an obligation to take the wives in the weekends to the malls for windowshopping and then to its cinema for the weekly movie that is released and any deviation from such behavior earns you the title of miser and torturer who will ruin women's lives.

[anonymous]

Still stay at your parent home and telling your parent that you don't want to marry the woman that chosen by your parent. If they threat you and tell you to leave them, still stay at your parent home. If they threat you again, still stay with them and do not show any sign that you have idea to live separately. But if they finally say "Go out from our home!", .... that's the time to go. If you leave them now, they will regard you as a rebel who against the parent. It will make their heart hard to be softened. But if you leave them after they expel you, maybe they will thinking that you are actually a good son, but they are too hard to you. It will make their heart easier to be softened. But I hope their heart will be softened without you need to leave them.

Salaam AlikumI am sorry to tell you it didnt go well and I have been asked to leave and have been living alone for past 2 months and parents arent regretting having disposed of me .I concentrated on settling down in my new home and an mow seriously thinking about my future ie marriage and thus seems my marriage will have to happen without my parents blessings .I just want to know how what answers I can give to potential marriage partners when asked as to why I have been thrown out of house and distanced by my parents and relatives Should I just tell them we differed on our choice of the traits of the marriage partner and the arguments had reached a flash point which ended in separationBut then the bigger question is who will marry a person who is conflict with his parents ?.What is the best way to approach marriage in such a situation ? I also read that Man does not need a Wali for his marriage .

[ardianto]

Salaam AlikumI am sorry to tell you it didnt go well and I have been asked to leave and have been living alone for past 2 months and parents arent regretting having disposed of me .I concentrated on settling down in my new home and an mow seriously thinking about my future ie marriage and thus seems my marriage will have to happen without my parents blessings .I just want to know how what answers I can give to potential marriage partners when asked as to why I have been thrown out of house and distanced by my parents and relatives Should I just tell them we differed on our choice of the traits of the marriage partner and the arguments had reached a flash point which ended in separationBut then the bigger question is who will marry a person who is conflict with his parents ?.What is the best way to approach marriage in such a situation ? I also read that Man does not need a Wali for his marriage .

Waalaikumsalam

I'm really sorry because I gave you advice like that. I thought your parent heart would be softer and then tried to talk to you like commonly parents in my place.

Yes, a man doesn't need wali to get married, ..... in Islam. But in society?

I was a guy who had principle "one woman for lifetime". One day when I was 22 and still studied I meet a girl from 'traditional' family. I interested to her in the first meeting and I thought she could be the woman in my life. And I got her in second meeting.

I was happy because I thought I had meet the right girl to be my wife. But suddenly she told me that I must meet her parent and talked about marriage. I got panic because I was sure that my mother (my father had passed away) would not approve me to marry a girl who I had just met, and also I still studied. But I remember what my uncle from my father side had told me "In Islam a man doesn't need wali, he goes alone to nikah".

So I went alone to meet her parent and told them that I was serious to marry her. Of course they asked me why I came alone, and I told them "In Islam a man doesn't need wali. He goes alone to nikah. So I come alone to propose marriage". And I was scolded. They said "Yes, in Islam! but according to the custom in society you still need parent to get married!". And they told me that I should come with my mother.

Two day later I came with my mother and my uncle who told me that a man doesn't need wali. I told them that I wanted to introduce a girl. But when they came they realize that this meeting was to propose marriage. My mother anger was exploded , and it made that girl parent being offended.

Of course they told me that they felt objected because my mother did not approve it. But didn't want to surrender. I told them that everything would be okay. And I got support from their daughter who had been impressed to me since the first meeting. So they agree to give me time until I finish my study.

In the beginning everything seem okay. But then that girl realize that my mother still did not approve her. It made her doubt to marry me. She told me that she was worry that after she married me my mother would always against her. I still promised her that everything would be okay. But finally she decide to not marry me after she knew that my mother tried to match me with someone who came again to my life, my ex-classmate who later became my wife.

Yes bro, in Islam a man doesn't need wali to go to nikah. But society usually cannot accept it. And also a woman must be worry to get married with a man that his parent hostile her.

To be honest, you are in difficult situation. But, always make du'a wish Allah open the way for you to get married with the right girl. There's always a hope.

[anonymous]

Yes bro, in Islam a man doesn't need wali to go to nikah. But society usually cannot accept it. And also a woman must be worry to get married with a man that his parent hostile her.

Yes society doesnt accept , that is the whole problem . But men are getting married even without parents permission and in some cases both parents are dead , I just want to know how they do it , so that will give me an idea as to how i approach marriage in such a situation.If they are desperate to get their daughter marriage and believe that the mistake in my parents then there is always a chance

To be honest, you are in difficult situation.

Yes but it is it as difficult situation as a pauper who cant get married because of poverty

[ardianto]

Yes society doesnt accept , that is the whole problem . But men are getting married even without parents permission and in some cases both parents are dead , I just want to know how they do it , so that will give me an idea as to how i approach marriage in such a situation.If they are desperate to get their daughter marriage and believe that the mistake in my parents then there is always a chance

If you are looking for a job, the companies would not care about your relationship with your parents. But if you are looking for a wife, the women would really care about it.

I am sure that the company where you are working never asked you to introduce your parent to them. But if you propose marriage, the woman and their parent must be want to meet your parent.

Basically a woman expect a harmonious relationship with in-laws after getting married. And if a woman know that the man who propose marriage has bad relationship with the parent and possible she would be despised by the in-law, she would be worry and very possible she would reject this man.

Yes, a man doesn't need wali for nikah. But getting married is more than just a nikah procession.

Yes but it is it as difficult situation as a pauper who cant get married because of poverty

I am not talking about poverty because in-fact the poor men can get married too. But I am talking about difficulty to get a woman who can accept the situation between you and your parents.

The parent issue is a common barrier that could thwart a marriage in my place. Parents in my place allow their kids to looking for spouse by themselves. And if their kids choose someone that they dislike, they would not prevent it but show their dislike that could make this 'someone' feel uncomfortable and hesitate to marry their kid.

This maybe would happen to you when you find someone.

I am sorry if I seem like demotivate you in this matter. But you still have a hope if you can make your parent do not mind about the girl you choose, or this girl do not mind about your relationship with your parent.