format_quote Originally Posted by
imme
Salaam everyone, im in need of all the advice I can get.
Im with this guy and we want to get married in the future, well engaged possibly soon. but the things is, I have kept this a secret from my parents as it would be very hard to inform them about my bf (we are both muslims but different castes).. As they don't know about my bf, they've been getting me marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin, they really want me to get married to, everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin, I feel like ive failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded but im with my bf, I want to marry him).. so, I decided to tell them about my bf and they didn't take it well, they told me to cut all times with my bf, I said I will but im still talking to him cuz I really love him and want to be with him.. my dad didn't take it well either, he isn't talking to me, its been a whole week now, I feel bad.. I know, ive done wrong by keeping it a secret but everyone makes mistakes, ive sinned I know (Allah swt will never forgive me). They disagreed cuz of his caste and his family, for example, ,my parents don't know his family, she said, they might treat me bad and he will leave me for his family if something was to go wrong between us.. but I really cant leave him.. im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.
I don't want to go against my parents wish but also don't want to leave him. im in a dilemma which is so hard for me to decide. I try to pray as much as I can, insh'Allah, im striving to become a better muslim, I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim, I know that but im repenting to Allah Swt in hope he shall forgive me as he is the greatest forgiver of them all.. I feel broken from the inside but I feel good when I know ive got Allah swt to help me through this dilemma..
I don't know what to do? I don't want to leave him or upset my family, my dad said to me not to break his trust and I feel like I am and im still committing a sin whilst doing this. I am also hoping to go university this year (Sep) but I am unsure if my dad would allow me.
Thank you everyone,
someone that needs advice :(
:salam: sister,
1. Try to understand that your parents only want that which is best for you.
Right now, you may not be able to fully appreciate this, as they are going against what you desire - but in shaa Allah, with time, you will be able to see the situation through their eyes - that they only hope, for the type of husband for you, who is strong in imaan and who will treat you well.
Very often, we do not truly realize the wisdom behind our parents decisions for us. Sometimes, it may only be years later that we may look back and understand just how much their actions were motivated out of the type of love that only a parent can feel for his/ her child ( and not the desire to hurt us).
2. Alhamdulillah, you have not lost hope in the mercy of Allah (subhanawataála).
However, one of the pre-requisites for obtaining Allahs forgiveness is that we feel an
intense sorrow/ remorse for our actions. And as a result of this remorse,
we distance ourselves away from that which has caused the displeasure of Allah.
By continuing to make contact with your bf, would mean that even though you acknowledge that this is incurring Allah's displeasure, you are not willing to forsake a worldly/ temporary desire for the sake of your Creator, and for the sake of your eternal abode in the Hereafter.
So, it is thus necessary to end all contact with your bf - and then, turn to Allah in sincere repentance. And in this manner, Allah Taa'la is ever forgiving, Most merciful.
For Allah Most High, says,
"Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Turn ye to our Lord (in repentance) and bow to His (Will), before the Penalty comes on you: after that ye shall not be helped" (Az-Zumar, 39:53-54).
3. When a person gives up something that they love, purely for the sake of Allah, He blesses them with such sweetness of imaan, and in shaa Allah, such rewards that may otherwise, have been denied in this life.
Think about how much Allah (subhanawata'la) loves you, and how much He continues to provide you with, from His mercy.
Can the love/lust felt for another human being, ever compare to the love of Allah?
The love of Allah and His Rasul (sallahu alaihi wasalam) should precede that of anything else in this world.
Then only, can we ever achieve success, both in this world and the hereafter.
4. Finally my sister, ask yourself: How much blessings will Allah bestow on a marriage that is founded on haraam beginnings - incurring His displeasure from the very start, and one that does not bring happiness to ones parents?
There are many marriages that are ending in divorce today, my dear sister.
The reasons for this are diverse, but often, an important factor in these marriages is: neglecting the commands of Allah (either before the marriage or during the marriage).
Sister, in view of the above, I suggest:
If you seriously desire marriage to your bf, then he should approach your wali (your dad) directly in this regard.
If your parents still refuse, after having the chance to meet him personally, then you should trust that there is greater good behind this decision (even if you cannot see it at present).
Allah (subhanawataála) tells us:
"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." (Quran 2:16)
^ Have complete trust in this, and remind yourself that your knowledge of the future is limited, but Allah (subhanwataála) is all Aware of that which lies ahead.
As mentioned above, you are still young - so, use this time to develop yourself by obtaining skills, that will in shaa Allah, be of benefit to you in the course of your life.
While it is not incumbent on a woman to work, seeking knowledge is prescribed for both men and women.....and should you ever be in the position where you need to support yourself oneday, then you would already have made provisions for this.
May Allah Taa'la grant all that is best for you.
Ameen
:wasalam: