format_quote Originally Posted by
~Zaria~
:salam: brother,
I think that the 'inappropriateness' of a woman approaching a man for marriage stems more from cultural barriers than islamic ones.
I am reminded of Khadija (ra) who first showed interest towards our prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) - I would imagine, that this may have been more difficult for her considering that she was his (sallahu alaihi wasalam) employer, older than him and widowed.
Yet, alhamdulillah, what a beautiful marriage resulted from this union.
Having said this, I do understand why most women will not approach a man for marriage.
I am also much tooo shy/ introverted (it may not seem as such on the forum, because my posts tend to be lengthier I plan :hiding:) in life, to ever do so....
Even if I were to find interest in someone, I would likely wait and make duaa, than to ever make my interest known directly.
However, there are also sisters who more self-confident, extroverted in nature and will not hesitate to make the necessary efforts towards her goal. MashaAllah, for these sisters there is no harm, if they have the correct intentions in this regard.
I know of a few sisters who 'made the first move' in indicating their interests towards a brother, and alhamdulillah, it resulted in marriage : )
I think that the sisters who are too shy probably get left behind in many things in life imsad
As you have mentioned, in these cases, they can possibly find 'indirect' methods of approaching a brother:
e.g. a family member/ friend can casually discuss the topic of marriage with the desired brother - and determine if he is interested in settling down or not.
If he is interested, then the sisters name can be dropped into the conversation, and her positive attributes mentioned.
In this way, the brother has become aware of her, and can approach her wali if he feels in the same way.
If he does not do so, then it would probably indicate that he does not find the same interest in her.
In this manner, in shaa Allah, sisters can also make some (indirect) effort in seeking a potential spouse : )
:wasalam:
:salam: sister
An important lesson about love and marriage that I've learned since I was kid is, getting a spouse is different than buying a clothes. If I want to buy clothes I could go to the shop, choosing the clothes that I like, pay, and this clothes now belong to me. But if I had interest to marry someone I could not marry her if she didn't have interest to marry me. I could get marry only with someone who is willing to marry me too.
Then I developed my ability to not fall in love with someone who is not mine. And train myself to able to love someone who will become my life-partner.
As a man, of course I attracted to woman too. Sometime happened, I saw a woman who look attractive in me eyes, and I started to attracted. But then I realized that she's not interested to me. So I told myself "She's not for me. It's okay, there are other women" and I burried my feeling to her.
One thing that made me grateful in life is easiness to get life-partner. Not because I was a man who look good in the women eyes. But because I was not type of man who attracted to a woman and the try to get her. So, what I have done just noticed the women who 'open the door' for me, and chose one of them without rejection.
Imagine if I was type of man who attracted to woman and then try get her. Must be I would face a competition with other men, and I would face a risk of rejection. Probably I would rejected, rejected, and rejected. :D
Sister, we would be easier to get a spouse if we have principle, not try to get someone who we love, but try to love someone who we get. :)
About shy woman. Actually shy woman is a type of woman that be liked by the men. Usually they are 'hidden', but the men still can find them through some people. There are many shy women who got spouse after some people found them and thinking "She can be a good wife. Why don't I introduce my son/nephew/ brother to her?".
This is why in another thread I've ever written and advice for unmarried sister. They should not lock themselves in the room, but should active in activities with older women. Because if they look good in those older women view, those older women will try to connect them to the men.
But, there are shy women who have low confidence. They are thinking that they are not deserve for the men. And then when a man come, she will doubt "Do I deserve for him?". This doubt will be reflected on her attitude, and unfortunately the man usually read it as sign of rejection. So the man will go to another woman.
Now the important question. If a woman has interest to marry a man, can she propose marriage?
Okay, notice this story.
Kahdijah Bint Khuwailid (ra) had an interest to marry Muhammad SAW (he had not been prophet in that time). But there was a problem. In Arab culture in that time was very inappropriate if a woman propose marriage to a man. However, Khadijah (ra) had an idea. She seeked help to her friend, Nafisah bint Munyah, who also knew Muhammad (saw) personally.
Then Nafisah wait on a way where Muhammad (saw) often walked. When she meet Muhammad (saw) she asked him
"O, Muhammad, don't you have interest to getting married?"
"I have" Muhammad (saw) replied "but I'm poor"
"What you think if there's a woman who beautiful, rich, and has a willing to marry you?"
"Who?"
"Khadijah bint Khuwailid"
"If Khadijah is willing to marry me, I will marry her"
Then Muhammad (saw) told his uncles that he would marry Khadijah (ra)
So, actually Khadijah (ra) did not propose marriage. But she sent invitation through her friend for Muhammad (saw) to propose marriage to her.
:)