Bringing up adolescent children.. What is the hardest part?

[greenhill]

It is becoming increasingly difficult to 'shelter' our children from the corrupt ways infiltrating our daily lives. How nothing seems to be wrong and everything is acceptable.

Just a generation ago, children were very respectful of adults, not so much these days and they have become more demanding and much 'wiser' than I was at their age.

I find hardest part about being a parent is to broach the subject of the 'birds and the bees'. I mean my parents never quipped a word about this to me and what I learnt was strictly from my peers with the exception of asking my mum where I came from when I was in kindergarten (and I got a brutally honest answer which stopped me from ever asking my mum another question such as that ever again!)

With the world being so liberal, it is very likely my kids will be lead to temptations and although I don't believe they will succumb to peer pressure, I still believe knowledge is key. I just cannot bring myself to start the conversation on this topic. It will embarrass them and me. As a dad, I find 'sex education' as the toughest element in parenting. So difficult that it is best avoided altogether.

IB parents, is there anything more stressful to you? Do you have any ideas how best to approach the matter? +o(

[Iceee]

Salaam.

Firstly, your English is very good from the posts I've seen from you.

'birds and the bees'

What is that? ^^^


As a young adult, I can tell you some answers:

When I was small, I asked my Mom where babies came from. She said, "When Allah sees someone who he loves very much, he will give the Mommy a baby in her belly." Then she said the doctors will Inshallah take out the baby from stomach and the parents will start loving God even more and life will be so good.

With the world being so liberal, it is very likely my kids will be lead to temptations and although I don't believe they will succumb to peer pressure,

^^^ This is a fear for any religious family. But Inshallah the temptations will be under control.

I find 'sex education' as the toughest element in parenting.

My school from grade 5 to grade 8 did all that sex education. From grades 9-11, I took Physical Education which includes Health class.
So I guess my parents didn't say a word about sex education. School taught me everything.

Just a generation ago, children were very respectful of adults, not so much these days

I agree sort of. There will always be good children, and there will always be bad children. No matter if the child is living with both parents, single parent, or even with relatives.

I remember going to my friends home to complete a project for school. The Mom told her son to please take out the garbage when we entered and he started swearing at her. We went to his room and we played PS2 before homework, and his Mom brought food for me. The boy started swearing at his Mom again for coming into his room without knocking but the Mom said nothing. After we did our project together, I brought the empty plate of food back to the Mom and she smiled. I shook her hand and I apologized for her son's rude behavior because he was probably having a bad day. She said, "Don't worry, he's always like that. He'll eventually change :)" I saw the garbage bags full of garbage outside their home, I picked it up, took it outside, and threw it in the big garbage bin.

The boy never did change. He started doing drugs, got arrested once, and I haven't seen him since grade 9.

The only solution; don't have children. But I guess for me, this will depend once I get married and my views then. For now, I'll enjoy the single life.

What you have to do is below:

[UmmuShaheed]

It is becoming increasingly difficult to 'shelter' our children from the corrupt ways infiltrating our daily lives. How nothing seems to be wrong and everything is acceptable.

Just a generation ago, children were very respectful of adults, not so much these days and they have become more demanding and much 'wiser' than I was at their age.

I find hardest part about being a parent is to broach the subject of the 'birds and the bees'. I mean my parents never quipped a word about this to me and what I learnt was strictly from my peers with the exception of asking my mum where I came from when I was in kindergarten (and I got a brutally honest answer which stopped me from ever asking my mum another question such as that ever again!)

With the world being so liberal, it is very likely my kids will be lead to temptations and although I don't believe they will succumb to peer pressure, I still believe knowledge is key. I just cannot bring myself to start the conversation on this topic. It will embarrass them and me. As a dad, I find 'sex education' as the toughest element in parenting. So difficult that it is best avoided altogether.

IB parents, is there anything more stressful to you? Do you have any ideas how best to approach the matter? +o(

Asalamu Alaykum

I agree, it has become increasingly difficult to shelter them.
But here in the U.S by 6 grade they begin to speak to them about it in health classes. I wasn't comfortable with the matter, but it happened before I found out.
I try befriending them, and making them feel like they make decisions for themselves. (I've noticed they want to be looked at more like adults, so as a parent why not use it to your advantage?) Lol
So although I monitor certain things, I give them the mindset that if you make a decision you deal with the consequence.
I always ask them, do you think Allah will be pleased with it? If you do, then go ahead. If not , i remind them of Allah's warnings in the quran.

[greenhill]

Salaam Iceee,

Birds and the Bees is a slang (British I suppose) about how babies come about. :D My mum wasn't so 'tactful' in answering my question. She just said the exact anatomical part I came out from. I was dazed and wished the earth would swallow me up there and then+o(.

We don't really get sex education over here, which worries me somewhat because it is normal for kids to be in a 'relationship' at such a young age.... and maybe I should get Russell Peters to do that job! ha ha.

Having children is a great gift. I love it and I would do it all over again, only my energy level is not what it used to beimsad (I'm not that old but), if I start again at this age, by the time they get into their teenage years I will be well past retirement. Not much fun. Only that area of the birds and the bees I find awkward to broach. Not that I worry for my son (of course I worry for my daughter, thank Allah I have a wife for that!) but I worry for the consequences of untoward conduct. Apart from that, parenting can be a real blessing.

I bet your polite and helpful nature really made the day for your friend's mum! I bet she wished you went around more often.:D


UmmuShaheed

I give them the mindset that if you make a decision you deal with the consequence.
I always ask them, do you think Allah will be pleased with it? If you do, then go ahead. If not , i remind them of Allah's warnings in the quran.

Cool! That's real good. At what age did you start to press the message?

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[UmmuShaheed]

Cool! That's real good. At what age did you start to press the message?[/I][/QUOTE]
From age 7-10 I began making sure they knew quran, and the rewards of Jannah for the good they do etc
(Basically set the foundation )
The older they got, the more I pressed the matter. By 12-13 they showed signs of defiance to authoritative figures.(Not in a rude manner) They just wanted to be seen as more mature, and adult-like.
So I just used it to my advantage, they began taking responsibility for their actions. Making them feel like they make decisions, I was just there to listen if they wanted a lil help. I let them learn from a few 'controlled' (I allowed it to happen) bad decisions they made, to show them they have to live with the consequence.
I hope that helped.

[greenhill]

I let them learn from a few 'controlled' (I allowed it to happen) bad decisions they made, to show them they have to live with the consequence.

I see a similar pattern :D in our ways, but it's the 'birds and the bees' issue that's setting me on edge... Part of me is saying, leave it and a part of me screams back YOU CAN'T!

[Iceee]

Birds and the Bees is a slang (British I suppose) about how babies come about.

it's the 'birds and the bees' issue that's setting me on edge... Part of me is saying, leave it and a part of me screams back YOU CAN'T!

Salaam.

Really not sure what to say. How old are your children and what gender?

If your children are religiously committed, they wouldn't have intercourse before marriage or even have a BF/GF. So that's good.

Either school can teach your children sex education, you can yourself, or they will learn by themselves Inshallah. What elementary and middle school did was scare us into not having sex. It wasn't until I took Physical Education from grades 9-11 that they told us all about both males and females about sex and protection and diseases etc.. My parents let school do the teaching.

[greenhill]

Salaam Iceee

My boy is turning 16 and my girl is 12. Ya, It is hard to find something to say... it is a 'cringeworthy' subject to talk about :skeleton:
Hence I am a bit lost as to how to approach this subject. It is not causing me any grief or panic, but seeing as I have done what I feel I could as a parent and more, there's only one element I have not done... I thought I had time to consider it but after all this time I still haven't found a good way to start. The 'cop-out' option would be to say that one thing not done is not bad at all, and to leave it to the elements for him to learn, like how everyone else learnt....

[Iceee]

(of course I worry for my daughter, thank Allah I have a wife for that!)

My boy is turning 16 and my girl is 12.

Salaam.

Alhumdulillah Allah has given you a wife who loves you and is still with you and your children.
Your wife can talk to your daughter. You can talk to your son. Done and done.

[greenhill]

By 12-13 they showed signs of defiance to authoritative figures.(Not in a rude manner) They just wanted to be seen as more mature, and adult-like.
So I just used it to my advantage, they began taking responsibility for their actions. Making them feel like they make decisions,

Your wife can talk to your daughter. You can talk to your son. Done and done.

Well, if I do it I would definitely talk of it from the point of accountability. Action - consequences - repercussions - commitments - and the sin aspect and its punishment etc., it makes it easier (slightly) that both of them know where they came from. We as parents told them of this, as part of the plan to let them grow with the 'proper' information of what is right and why, what is wrong and why. Why Allah exist and why we exist. But sex education is potentially embarrassing. So I guess just go for it...+o(

:phew

:skeleton:

Perhaps not :phew

:embarrass

[ardianto]

My oldest son failed to enter state high school in cluster 1 (top rank) and 'thrown' into his second choice, state high school in cluster 2 (lower rank. There are 4 clusters). Actually he was in special class in junior high school, but his his scores dropped since his mother health gone bad.

He was so sad, but I told him "It's okay". Then I told him again it's better go out for refreshing. So, me, him, and my youngest son went out this afternoon. Shopping and ate noodle. He will turn into 15 next month.

It's not difficult to bring up my teen boy. It's happen naturally and there's no drastic change like when I turned into teen boy. My teen boy is an introvert shy guy. His friends are only his school mates. He was active in school traditional art group with other students, sometime gathered with his friends. But in the rest of his time he prefer to stay at home. Communicate with his friends through phone or internet.

Sometime I feel I want to train him to more active in socializing outside the house. Frankly, sometime I worry about his ability to face the challenge in life. But maybe this is an excessive concern.

I was very different than my teen boy. When I was in his age now I had became a motorcycle racer, and went to other cities with friends to race. I had many friends and spent my time with them. It's happened after I turned into a 'better boy'.

Before it, I was a naughty boy and known as 'trouble maker'. My dad gave me a car when I was 13 after I protested him because he forbade me to race in motorcycle. And I used my car for drifting on street. It made a famous car gang recruited me. My life was very messed up in that time. I used drug and marijuana. I was expelled from junior high school that known as elite school because only smart students who could study there. I made some troubles that made me beaten by other boys, or their daddies scolded my daddy.

But conflict that happened with my wrong friends made me left them. Then I told my daddy again that I wanted to become a racer. My daddy allowed me. I raced for the first time around two month after my 14th birthday, on my friend motorcycle. Then my daddy gave me my first motorcycle and I started my new life.

My life was better after a became a racer because I had a channel to expressing my teen spirit. I didn't want again to use drug or marijuana, I didn't want again to gather with wrong friends who spent their times without positive purpose. I started to have achievements, in racing, in study, in life. I became a better students in school. This is why when I gave advice to leave drug and marijuana I always said that the youth must active in a hobby with an achievement.

Back to my son again. There is big difference between me and him. I was close enough with my daddy, but not so close like me and my kids. My daddy was a civilian engineer who worked for government. His last position was head of region. He was financially success, but he was busy with his job. My mommy was typical of bureaucrat wife who was busy with shopping and gathered with other important persons wives. I was close with my mommy only in the last few years before she passed away in 2010. My daddy passed away in 1988 when I was almost 21.

Different than my sons. Me and my wife (when she's alive) are close with them. We often talk about anything. Yes, closeness between parents and kids is very important.

[greenhill]

True that, Ardianto.

closeness between parents and kids is very important.

Especially in this day and age. But I keep my mind the sunnah about when the parents become the slave of their children as it is looking like it is beginning to surface more now.imsad

[UmmuShaheed]

Well, if I do it I would definitely talk of it from the point of accountability. Action - consequences - repercussions - commitments - and the sin aspect and its punishment etc., it makes it easier (slightly) that both of them know where they came from. We as parents told them of this, as part of the plan to let them grow with the 'proper' information of what is right and why, what is wrong and why. Why Allah exist and why we exist. But sex education is potentially embarrassing. So I guess just go for it...+o(

:phew

:skeleton:

Perhaps not :phew

:embarrass

Lol Yes you should go at it from that angle. Also like Ardianto mentioned , Being friends with them is really important.
Like bro Icee suggested you could speak to your son while your wife speaks to your daughter. but if your gonna tackle the discussion with both of them present, then I'd suggest you do it somewhere they feel comfortable.
And don't give off the 'I-mean-business' vibe until the discussion hits full swing. Teens tend to close off when they feel their being given the 'talk'.

[ardianto]

If your children are religiously committed, they wouldn't have intercourse before marriage or even have a BF/GF. So that's good.

As a teen boy, of course I was interested to the girls too. But I never tried to seek a girlfriend. Not because religious commitment, but because I thought I was too young. I had a commitment "one woman for life time". If I'm with a woman, I must marry her and live with her until death do us part. No divorce. Teen age is too far to marriage, and if I had girlfriend, very possible my relationship would be break out. I didn't want it happen.

I have learned since I was kid that love and marriage are two things that cannot be separated. There's no love without marriage, there's no marriage without love.

[Ummshareef]

:sl:

Well I wouldn't say that teaching them about the 'birds and bees' is the hardest part, rather getting them to understand it and implement it in their lives.

As Muslims, we should be comfortable speaking with our children openly about the difference between right and wrong. There should be no hesitation in this - it is one of our greatest duties as parents. In the case of the birds and the bees we have to be 100% crystal clear that in Islam the ONLY acceptable sexual behaviour is within marriage. Anything else is unlawful under the shariah. Full stop. No ifs and buts. For me getting a young adolescent son to take that on board has been a huge effort, but insha'allah the struggle will be worth it.

[ardianto]

My 15 years old boy now often do activities with his schoolmates. Not in school assignment, but activities of students initiative like selling some stuffs, held events like exhibition.

I am happy with it. Frankly, I was worry he would become "internet age boy" that always stay at room and have friends only in internet. When he was in elementary school, yes, he never played with his friends and always stayed at home. But in secondary school he began active in school extra-curricular program. Now he is in high school.

I have meet his friends and seen his activities. Everything is okay.

What is the hardest part in bringing up my teen boy?. At the moment I don't feel something hard.

[AsheSkyler]

While my son is only a year old, I remember what it was like when I was a kid and a teen. In regards to the whole "birds and bees" thing, I grew up in a rural area with chickens and goats, and we went through a few generations of them. There was no mystery and it wasn't awkward. My mother also answered my questions, but tastefully and by basic medical terms. I think it was much more embarrassing for her than me! So I'm hoping to get some pets when he's older to make the lessons a bit easier on both of us.. I don't intend to be any more in-depth with that than I am explaining why he needs to breathe, what happens when he eats, the purpose of the heart, brain, other organs, what they all do, and so forth. I think fish might be good for the breathing lessons. And I'd love to get some water snails again anyway.

What I'm concerned about is responsibility. There are a lot of crazy and mean people out there and I don't want his hormones giving my grandchild to some girl who'll abuse her body, neglect the baby, and never let us have any contact with it. And I want him to drive safe, be kind but not someone who is walked all over, be firm in what he thinks but not be a bully, learn how to clean and cook should he live by himself someday, and generally approach everything with a sense of responsibility. I think it is quite possible to have fun and even get a little wild while being careful. For me when I was growing up, that was staying out with friends until 3AM playing board games, drinking soda, and eating pizza. Best parties ever! (I found the concept of being drunk or high incredibly boring.) Granted, those didn't happen until I was 18 because I didn't really have friends, but it was fun when it finally happened.

[greenhill]

I don't intend to be any more in-depth with that than I am explaining why he needs to breathe, what happens when he eats, the purpose of the heart, brain, other organs, what they all do, and so forth.

I suppose. But there is a distinction in here. Those items mentioned do not have 'implications' and temptation like sex. Maybe eating to some. ;D but on a serious note, I have a son and a daughter. If either is irresponsible .... As much as I can pray for the best and let them learn by themselves, or I can have my say and be done with it as part of my responsibility as a father.

nd I want him to drive safe, be kind but not someone who is walked all over, be firm in what he thinks but not be a bully, learn how to clean and cook should he live by himself someday, and generally approach everything with a sense of responsibility.

Yup, generally that would be on the list of most modern parent.:statisfie

In a way as a parent, I believe that I owe my kids in several ways,
to know their maker,
to feel loved and respected,
to help build their self-esteem, worth by developing different skill sets
To be level headed, fair and kind
To believe in themselves. The world can be cruel and mean.

I was left almost entirely by myself growing up. The distant 'presence' of my dad kept me in line so to speak. I was avery late bloomer in almost every aspect. I spent most of my pre pubescent years in a dream world. I did a lot of catching up in my latter teens and early 20's. Thank Allah swt that I have remained in the right side of the path, never straying too far... Although Allah calls whom He wishes, I cannot leave it entirely to that for my son to reach his final destination. In this world where temptation is in your face, it is a lot easier to stray and remain that way.

I suppose, as a father, I had set a syllabus for my kids before they leave the roost. Only, for a while, my tall hurdle was about the 'birds and the bees'. I think, that is resolved now..

But I have other issues at hand... part of the syllabus.... :D

Peace :shade:

[greenhill]

worry he would become "internet age boy" that always stay at room and have friends only in internet.

I guess that is also a worry.. :statisfie or video games ^o)

[ardianto]

I guess that is also a worry.. :statisfie

Worry of what?.

My son care with his appearance, but I don't think he dare to approach someone. He is shy boy.

:)

[ardianto]

I guess that is also a worry.. :statisfie or video games ^o)

Wait! I begin to have a clue about what you mean with worry.

Hmm, I monitor what he watch in internet.

[greenhill]

Worry of what?.

..from your earlier post..

Frankly, I was worry he would become "internet age boy" that always stay at room and have friends only in internet.

but I guess, this never became an issue. :statisfie

Peace :shade:

[ardianto]

..from your earlier post..

As I have said, my son is a shy boy :)

but I guess, this never became an issue. :statisfie

Peace :shade:

I have read a number of 'confession' from people who unable to have friends except in internet, and It made me worry. But now I see he is active in socialization with his real world friends.

[AsheSkyler]

I suppose. But there is a distinction in here. Those items mentioned do not have 'implications' and temptation like sex. Maybe eating to some. ;D but on a serious note, I have a son and a daughter. If either is irresponsible .... As much as I can pray for the best and let them learn by themselves, or I can have my say and be done with it as part of my responsibility as a father.

Very true! It is rather disturbing what tempts people these days. Well, I guess some things always were a temptation, they were just polite enough not to be public about it in the past. Part of my plan was to find that elusive fine line between trying present it as neutrally as possible without creating temptation and at the same time explain the dangers and desires without either enticing or revolting him. Because teenagers seem inherently rebellious, too strong of a push in either direction can make them go promptly the other way. I was very much like that with some things. Many kids I knew badgered me to smoke weird stuff and I got mean about saying "no". I had a curfew saying I wasn't allowed to drive after midnight (not by parents/guardians surprisingly) and guess who was driving after midnight? My argument was that they should have been specific about when the curfew ended, because technically any time of day has followed midnight.

[ardianto]

Because teenagers seem inherently rebellious, too strong of a push in either direction can make them go promptly the other way.

My mother called me "rebel" and I indeed was rebelling her. She wanted me to be a boy like in her ideal conception and she pushed me for this, while i wanted to be myself.

But my wife was different (she has passed away). Since before our kids born she had told me she would not push our kids to be like this or like that. And now my teen boy is really different than me when I was in his age.

[islamic.teacher]

Salam ALekom
i find the best idea is to teach them quran the moment they reach 3 years old
- get them to memorize the whole quran and teach them the meaning of the quran
- choose their friends and don't wait for them to choose them
- be patient and know that raising up kids WILL NOT be easy, so don't stress yourself and try to act cool
- don't treat them as children and say they don't understand anythingK but rather treat them as old people in regrad of caring and respect
there's more to say but i will stop here

[Ummshareef]

Salam ALekom
i find the best idea is to teach them quran the moment they reach 3 years old
- get them to memorize the whole quran and teach them the meaning of the quran
- choose their friends and don't wait for them to choose them
- be patient and know that raising up kids WILL NOT be easy, so don't stress yourself and try to act cool
- don't treat them as children and say they don't understand anythingK but rather treat them as old people in regrad of caring and respect
there's more to say but i will stop here

Wa aleykum assalaam,

JazakAllah Khayran. Excellent advice. My boys started learning Qu'ran when they were about 6, but with hindsight, it would have been good to start them younger. And the importance of selecting their friends cannot be overstated.

[greenhill]

Yup my kids started learning around 6 too!

I have always tried to treat my kids as young adults and entitled to truthful explanations to questions they ask. They're so mature now in their thinking that I kind of spoilt it for them in a way that I do not see them partaking much in childish activities and prefer more adult stuff. :hmm:

[ardianto]

I have always tried to treat my kids as young adults and entitled to truthful explanations to questions they ask. They're so mature now in their thinking that I kind of spoilt it for them in a way that I do not see them partaking much in childish activities and prefer more adult stuff. :hmm:

I hope I can treat my son as young adult, but he prefers to be treated as 15 years old boy. :D

He is still spoiled. He active enough in activities with his friends, but he also love to go with me when he want to go to a place. Very different than me when I was in his age.

He is in camping for two nights now, with his school.

[greenhill]

Very different than me when I was in his age.

Very true! Many things are so different now compared to our days...:?

[ardianto]

Very true! Many things are so different now compared to our days...:?

I don't know which the better, our days or our kids days nowadays. But I think the most important is how we bring up them.

By the way, my son back from his camping event. Proudly he told me that his group won 2nd prize for the best group. And he is the group leader.

:)

[greenhill]

I don't know which the better, our days or our kids days nowadays

I have thought of this many times.... there are many advantages of those days and these days, likewise disadvantages in the old days and these days...

Difficult to call. I think I would be 'wilder' if I am growing up now because of the options available now compared to those days, but then again, costs now compared to those days are also different.

Well done to your son. Learning leadership at a young age and doing it well. At least he can still improve. Who knows, he might win it next time?

Peace :shade:

[ardianto]

My teenager son is in the last stage of testing before progressing to the election for student union chairman in his high school. Currently there are four candidates in this stage which three people will be the candidates to be selected by the students.

Frankly I didn't realize that he is interested in organizational matter. I am so surprised, and proud too.

:statisfie

[greenhill]

Salaam Br. Ardianto.

Looks like your son is getting ready for the world at large and building his portfolio by himself. Well done to him. It will put him in good stead in the future. :statisfie