Firstly, I want to thank everyone of you. May Allah reward you with all the best.
Secondly, I have to confess that I am the same guy from that thread:
(Only for Bros) - I need urgend help!
I do not know if it is easier to understand why I opend this topic. I started that linked-thread some months ago but to be honest I relapsed all the time after few days. I think I managed it for just max for 12 days. That is so crazy - I know their harms, but dopamine does what ever it wants in my brain. Even in Ramadan: first week was amazing, I was a lot in the masjid, read holy quran translation, and felt iman in my heard. Day 8 I relaped I do not know why? There was no pleasure or anything I just know that I started to fantasize not about really bad things, just about girls (what is actually bad enought), but that was enought to visit some bad sites few days later. I was not more able to fear Allah at this stage, it is like something is blocked in my brain, I tried to warn myself, but it did not work. I really do not know if Allah accepts me as a Muslim. Since some days my prayers are not more really with khushu and it seems that long sujuds did not really affect my heard althought I felt literally iman in my heard.
Feel like Allah does not accept my prayers and that I am doing something very wrong in general that Allah does not guide me. I really understood that this matter is not up to me, it is in the hand of Allah. but I really do not know, what I can do? I am actually at a age where I could get married, but that is not possible. I really want to have a family with children etc and want contact to a women, not to fullfil desire only, it become a desire to talk with a woman in halal way, to see in her face, to touch her hand and to smell her; have a bit passion and to practice religion with her, to share life. That is embarrassing to write, but I am anonymous... I think this porn addiction is because I try to find an alternative to that, but it is not. It is so frustrating, I am feeling like a kafeer. May Allah protect me to become one. I am so disappointed of myself, I would manage it at least while Ramadan is running, but I did not. Fear to not reach the next Ramadan to profit fully of it. I know it is even not end, but this disappointment lets me really struggle. Do not know what to do. I have been tried it several times in the past, I have no believe more to overcome it. Moreover I think I have a big issue with sabr. I am very impatiently. All things need time but want everythings that happens immediately.
Something is really going wrong in my brain, in my heard, but I do not know what. Sometimes I hear from Brothers who used to drink alkohol, go to parties, have zina and so on, how Allah has guid them. Alhamdullah I have been never done those things but sometimes I get the idea that this is the key to get guidance, what is wrong and stupid, I know.
Some brothers told me I should go to an imam and tell him about my problem. But I cannot do that. I know that you are not able to help directly, I have to struggle with this matter but I don't know more how. I read of some people who managed it for long time, I am talking about non-Muslims, why I - who wants to stop it mainly for the sake of Allah - am not able to do what a kafeer has done.
Thirdly, I am really sorry to write here again.
wslama