Signs of an Abusive Man

[Taabuu]

The Prophet

said:

“The best among you is the one who is the best towards his wife”

Hadith – Muslim, #3466

1. Jealousy and Possessiveness
Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control
He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority
He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right” by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates
Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help” him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings
His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words
He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you
An emotionally abusive man may withhold physical or emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help
An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
9. Disrespects women
Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.
If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counselling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.
If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling family, friends, shelters and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

[aflawedbeing]

An excellent post! Something we all need to warn our sisters and daughters about for sure masha'Allah.

Now for our sons and brothers:
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

Yep. Happens to both genders, let's not make this a one sided discussion.

[Ali_008]

Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

I think this particular thing is very subjective. Not every man has the most smart women in his life. I know of a few men who went misogynist only because of the stupidity of the women in their family. We are Muslims, and we ought to respect women; but just like how women have particular preconceived notions about men, men also have some which are mostly connected to the female intellect.

[Insaanah]

Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life.

Not necessarily so. Some men have tempers and talk gruffly to everyone, or in a course fashion, but that doesn't equate to abuse. An abusive man is normally abusive towards his wife and children, but fine with others including his female relatives. A bully is normally vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of others; He generally leads a double life, one inside the doors of his house, and another one as soon as he steps outside, so that nobody can guess or indeed believe the bullying and abuse that is going on behind closed doors. No-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has such a nature, especially when he is otherwise religious, and well respected in the community - only the targets of his abuse and bullying see the other side to him that nobody else knows about. This puts the targets of his bullying in an almost impossible situation (as they see it), as they think that nobody will believe them if they told someone about it e.g. to advise him.

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[ardianto]

My wife friend who was karateka ever married an engineer. He looked good in the beginning, but later he started to be abusive, beat his wife and also very rude to his daughter. In the beginning his wife tried to be patient, but later after her patient had reached the limit, she beat back her husband with karate. The husband knock out and asked divorce with reason "domestic violence by the wife to the husband".

How was that guy look like?. Small, wear thick glasses, and look weak. Very far from typical of rude man. Even actually he's type of man who is not dare to fight other men. He dare to do violence only toward his wife and children.

My wife friend didn't know that her first husband was abusive man because he looked good before getting married, polite and looked always fine to everyone.

Basically women do not want to marry abusive man. And if they get abusive husbands, usually it's because they didn't know before. Majority of abusive husbands are look good in people eyes because they look polite, look fine, look have good respect toward other people.

In another side I also know few husbands who muscular and look like 'street fighter' but they are very kind toward their wives and children.

So, do not judge a book by its cover.

[Snel]

I do agree with all the points except for #1 and #2. You said a man is being abusive when he's jealous when his wife meets her co-workers, but what if those co-workers were men? You're a woman, sitting hours at work and interacting with strangers (including men) and you don't think your husband should be worried? I'm not saying you would cheat on your husband. I'm pretty sure that every woman reading this is a practicing muslim, but really, get real. If a man doesn't feel jealousy for you then he doesn't value you, and he doesn't love you! "Geera" is very important and you should never marry a man without geera. For a western non-muslim man, his girlfriend is more like a toy than a human-being. That means in some cases it's very easy for him to lend his girlfriend to his friends, if you know what I mean. When a man is jealous for you, he's not trying to control you, it means he loves you.

However when it comes to female friends and your own family, I would agree with you, certainly. Co-workers though, you can't choose your co-workers and walking alone in the streets late at night every workday, that's nothing a true man would accept for his wife.

Regarding #2, "He controls finances, [...], and the activities you partake in.". You really sound like a feminist, not because you have bad intentions, but because you haven't given us the details. When you say that the man controls the finances, you should instead call it "being cheap" and not "controlling the finances" because that could mean anything. And regarding the activities that you participate in, again you should be more specific. Some activities are not okay, like mixture with men and women. A muslim man doesn't accept all activities, for good reasons. That's why you should at least give him a hint on where you're going before leaving to stay away for a longer period of time or if it's a routine to leave at a certain time then tell him. The world doesn't revolve around you, you're also living with a human-being who cares for you and is jealous for you, keeping him worried because you're a "strong independent woman" and you can do whatever you want is selfish.

The ideology of feminism is totally un-Islamic, and so is the abuse of women. Islam is all about fairness, the man has a responsibility to provide for the family and it is obligatory upon him to have geera for his mother, wives, sisters and daughters. The woman in the other hand should take care of the her children, her man and the home. The woman plays an important role in how the society looks like. Look at the black American society for instance, it's a failure, because their women are a failure, they have no honor whatsoever. It's a looooong story and many issues behind this, but you know what? At the end of the day it's the man's fault. Because he didn't have any geera, he didn't demand for faithfulness from his women, because all he wanted was sex, sex and more sex. Women apply to the demands of men, and those demands are nothing but total freedom as long as they're sexy. And the "not so smart" woman thinks that she is in the center of the universe but in reality she's nothing but a piece of meat ready to be consumed by the pigs. This is the society of the feminists and the kuffar. A selfish society where everybody cares for themselves only. We as muslims should be very very careful about the issues of geera, marriage and family-life. Family is the main component of any society, if that component is destroyed then the society will be corrupted.

[Abz2000]

Salamz,
Was this written by an infidel?

An emotionally abusive man may withhold physical or emotional intimacy,
or plays the “silent game” as punishment when he doesn’t get his way.
He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

الرِّجالُ قَوّٰمونَ عَلَى النِّساءِ بِما فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعضَهُم عَلىٰ بَعضٍ وَبِما أَنفَقوا مِن أَموٰلِهِم ۚ فَالصّٰلِحٰتُ قٰنِتٰتٌ حٰفِظٰتٌ لِلغَيبِ بِما حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ وَالّٰتى تَخافونَ نُشوزَهُنَّ فَعِظوهُنَّ وَاهجُروهُنَّ فِى المَضاجِعِ وَاضرِبوهُنَّ ۖ فَإِن أَطَعنَكُم فَلا تَبغوا عَلَيهِنَّ سَبيلًا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كانَ عَلِيًّا كَبيرًا


Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband\'s) absence what Allah would have them guard.
As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct,
admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last resort) strike them; but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

Sent using alQuran. http://iphone.almubin.com/alQuran

I'm sure many would disagree with what their creator who knows their functions inside and out has advised.
Yet at the same time would agree that some form of social checks and balances are required, and the enforcement of these are given to those who are stronger yet must be fair and just.
The writer of this piece has NOT adhered to any Islamic guidelines and if they had their way, a loose society like the west where usually no spouse feels and dury or responsibility to another and divorce would be the status quo. Only the government is worshipped as the rulemaker and their henchmen the infidel police have a monopoly on violence which they enforce with handcuffs, batons, guns and pepper spray and kidnapping.

I totally agree that women do need means of support from the family or community if their husband oversteps limits and I also agree that men need to maintain discipline and order with fairness and justice, themselves having integrity when the wife oversteps limits. But this man hating feminist piece seems like a recipe for disaster.

[faith_light]

{ وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ} (21) سورة الروم



Be gentle with womenfolk
Be Gentle to (your) Kinswomen
(رفقا بالقوارير)