I'm sorry that you are having this experience with your mother. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, and maybe more so. The sad fact is that some people are not good parents, and unfortunately you cannot choose your parents. Some people get good, kind, loving, supportive parents, and some people get abusive, neglectful, or simply uninterested parents, and that's the way the ball bounces. It's not up to you. It's your Qadr. This is the first fact that you have to accept.
Everyone is tested in different ways
Another way to look at it is that everyone is tested in different ways in life. For some people the test is poverty, or hunger, or a physical handicap. I have a friend who is my age, but he has a disease that is eating away his nervous system. When we were kids together he was very athletic, always riding a bicycle, and later he made his living importing bicycle parts from Europe. Now he is confined to a wheelchair and someone has to help him take care of his bodily needs. He never had a chance to get married and have kids. His life expectancy is short. This is his test, and it's not an easy one, and I would never want to exchange my problems for his. There are so many people whose tests are far more difficult than mine, and when I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself of this fact.
It's awful when your test comes in the form of the very person who is supposed to love you, support you, and help you through this life. But there it is.
Once you have accepted this fact, and are not spending your time wailing against the injustice of life, or resenting the world, you can start to look at some possible ways to not only minimize the damage, but come out of it with your heart and spirit healthy and strong.
1. Try to get your mom to see a health professional
Your mother may be clinically depressed, or bipolar, or something similar. It's possible that the right medication could help her tremendously. I realize that she probably won't listen to your suggestion to see a doctor. But is there someone you can talk to who she respects, who could talk to her? A grandparent, or an aunt or uncle, or a good friend of hers? They can present the suggestion as if it's coming from them, not from you.
2. Realize that it's not about you
Don't take your mother's abuse into your heart. I'm not saying don't let it affect you; I know that's impossible. But if she tells you - for example - that you are worthless, don't believe that statement or make it part of your self-image. Realize that her behavior is a product of her own illness, or of her own damaging childhood and life experiences. She is taking it out on you because you are the one who is there. But it is not truly about you, and you should not accept the negative statements that she makes about you.
Don't argue, curse or shout back at your mother, as it will not help. It will only deepen her feelings of victimization, and it will leave you feeling out of control, just as she is.
3. Write affirmations and practice them
Affirmations are positive statements that you make about yourself. They are a powerful tool for strengthening your spirit, resisting negative programming, and focusing on who you really are as a human being. Write some affirmations to help fortify your sense of who you are as a person, and to prevent your mother's negativity from dragging you down. Keep your affirmations in a private notebook and read them every day. I really want you to do this. This is a tool that I use myself, and I have found it to be tremendously helpful in my life. I suggest that your affirmations might look something like this:
- I, Najma, am a good and strong Muslimah. I believe in Allah and turn to Him for guidance and help. I strive for excellence in every way, for the sake of Allah.
- I define myself.. Other people do not define me. I am a good, kind and honest human being, Insha'Allah.
- I have power only over myself and the choices I make in life. I cannot force anyone to be kind or respectful to me, but I can respect myself and be kind to others.
- I am an intelligent young woman. I do well in school and my teachers and peers respect me.
- I keep my faith in Allah strong, my faith in myself alive, my eyes on the future and my heart full of hope, and that gets me through each day. I take whatever happiness comes my way each day and allow myself to enjoy it fully.
- I am a dedicated student and a talented writer (or artist, singer, or whatever talents you may have) with a promising future Insha'Allah.
- I am a good daughter. I am patient and loving with my mother. When speaking to her I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am, and confident in my choices.
- I am constantly improving and becoming stronger spiritually, personally, mentally and physically.
- I am nutritionally conscious and careful. My body is a gift from Allah and I feed it only what is good.
- I am at peace with myself and others around me. I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, and I forgive others for their mistakes as well.
- I choose my friends well, always basing my friendships on serving Allah. I am a good friend, loyal and forgiving.
- I am compassionate and generous. I choose to believe in humanity's goodness.
- I am a part of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. I have a right to be here. My existence has meaning and purpose.
- I am worthy of joy and love.
- I am happy, Alhamdulillah.
4. Tell your mother how you feel in a calm way
Go to your mother at a time when she is in a good mood. Tell her in a calm, respectful way how sad it makes you feel when she says mean things to you or curses at you. It may help to write it down first, and practice in a mirror what you want to say so that you can keep your cool and stay on point if your mother responds with anger. Be prepared for the possibility that your mother may not react well, and may even heap more abuse on you. If this happens, don't let yourself be provoked. Speak your piece calmly, and thank her for listening. If her response is good, it may help your family get started on the road to some kind of resolution. If her response is poor, at least you will know that you made an effort. There is power in that.
5. Try to avoid the abuse as much as possible
If there is a particular time of day when your mother is most volatile, try to schedule other activities, like school or extra-curricular activities, at that time. Join a club at school or do some volunteer work. This will get you out of the house for a while. It will also give you a different perspective on life and may help to keep you balanced emotionally.
6. See a counselor
It's important that you talk to someone about the problems you are having at home. You can't just soak up all the abuse like a sponge and not let it out. Does your school have a counselor? That would be a good person to talk to. Is there someone in the Muslim community you respect, who could listen and advise you? Or maybe a teacher, an aunt, or a friend's parent that you respect? That person doesn't have to solve the problem for you, just to listen with a sympathetic ear, so that you have an outlet for your anger and sadness.
7. . Look for ways to get out of the situation
You might consider applying for boarding school or school away from home if you have the money, or applying for grants (financial scholarships) if you don't. If there is a relative you could live with, and your mother allows it, this may be a good way to get some relief. If you are getting ready for college, try to get a scholarship so that you can live on-campus or away from home.
Depending on your age, you might consider marriage as a way of finding a happier home situation. Just make sure you don't grab onto anyone out of desperation. You don't want to make a bad choice and go from the frying pan into the fire.
The only caveat here is that I do not know your age in comparison to your brothers. If they are younger than you, they may need you around for emotional support. That's a judgment call that you must make.
8. Break the cycle of abuse
This may be the most important point of all. It's vital that you try to follow the advice I have given you here, so that you can become an emotionally healthy person of your own. You don't want to grow up, have children, and pass on to them the same abuse you received. Believe me, this happens all the time. The only way to avoid this is to take steps to achieve your own serenity and peace of mind. It doesn't just come. It takes work.
Last of all, if you cannot find someone in your community that you trust and can talk to, let me know, and I will put you in touch with a good Muslim sister who you can talk to on the phone, Insha'Allah.