I'd really appreciate all the help I could get

[anonymous]

Before posting, I'd like to thank everyone who clicked on this to take time out to help me. My "story" is quite long, so please bear with me. I have tried to sum it up as much as I can, and I've left out quite a bit of the details.

I'd also like to thank all those who have previously helped in giving me advice on other threads, may Allah bless all of you :)




I'm in my 20's. My parents are from an Islamic country originally - I was born & lived in a western country during my childhood after which my parents took me "back home" in order to raise me in an Islamic environment. I was really shy as a child (been that was since forever, according to my parents) - I'm much more confident now, though.


Growing up, I had a lot of self-esteem issues. I hated myself. I was always a perfectionist so anything I ever achieved was just never good enough. I wasn't competitive at all though - I didn't want to be the best out of everyone else, I just wanted to be the best I could possibly be myself. Oh and I was really compassionate too - I never ever wanted to hurt anyone (I hate talking about myself like this, but this will help you understand where I'm coming from). If I ever did, it was NEVER intentional. I'd loose sleep over the most trivial matters when people would get angry at me.


At the same time, I wasn't close to my family. I viewed them as people who didn't care for me, who deserved a better child than me (self-esteem). Everyone in my family (distant) seemed to expect a lot from me, since I was the child of the most educated in the family. It just started getting really difficult to please everyone (in my mind). I started cutting myself to help sooth my emotions during my final exams, when I was 16. I felt horrible. I was supposed to get straight A*s and now I was going to fail. (I don't do that anymore, I've realised it is unIslamic and not the way to deal with problems).

Basically, I was OVER-sensitive.

So anyways, time went on, I finished college. I was SO DESPERATE to get everyone in school to like me that I did quite a few stupid unIslamic things, so that I would be known as "cool", so that everyone would like me even more. I NEEDED that sense of belonging, as I never seemed to have found it at home. It kind of worked - I never had beef with anyone at school and everyone was always going on about how they loved me. But it wasn't enough, I wanted to be "cool" as well.


After college, I started Uni. All my school friends disappeared, everyone went to different unis - it obviously wasn't the same. I made new friends in uni, but it was quite different, as I was now, for the first time in my life, studying with members of the opposite sex. I thought both males and females were equal. That they could be friends. That there was no difference at all. I was wrong. There are things in Islam we don't understand, if only I had tried to go so deep in to religion back then. I used to think my thinking was right. I was pretty much a feminist. It often happens when you spend almost all your life in a girls' school

Moving on...

One day a guy called at our house. He wanted to get some information on a rishta for his sister, and they had come from the same western country I was born in. I told him to get in touch with my mum, I gave him her number. End off.

But he called again, and started talking to me, then eventually asked for my mobile number. And although I was least interested in him, I thought he wanted my number so that his sister could make some friends while he was visiting his home country. So I gave it to him & we started talking, and not once did he let me speak to his sister. I'm going to skip the details... I basically fell head over heels with him as he was SO NICE (or at least that is how he appeared to be). He liked everything I liked, he cared for people, he was so nice. He kept saying how he really liked me, that we should get married and I was like WHAT you don't even know me you've never seen me. I was so blind I believed he loved me just like that, and I secretly really liked him back. I tried to fight this feeling for quite long. I really did, but eventually, I told him I was into him.


The whole time it felt really wrong, but then I felt so drawn in it was really hard to explain. Within this time a woman even called me saying he was with her. At first I believed her, but his words against hers seems much easier to believe. About 9 months later, my parents found out. They were DEVASTATED. In fact, that's not even the word. The guy was 14 years older than me (I knew that though, it was the only thing he told me the truth about), he had no qualification/education in life, he was from a VERY different background. But the stupid 18/19 year old I was, I thought "hey that doesn't matter at all". I really cared for this man, from the bottom of my heart. He said stand I'd stand. He said sit I'd sit. Any it'd be amazing to obey what he said, cause he LOVED ME. I hadn't even gotten this much sense of belonging from school. It was amazing. I gave my parents his sisters' home number, who lived in the western country I grew up in.


When they called, she shut the phone on their faces. They rang back and demanded answers. This time, the sister's mother-in-law picked up. She said we don't know ANYONE called XYZ. But this girls brother is called ABC, and he is married with a child. I was devastated. This is just ONE of the MANY lies he told me. I was confused - the whole marriage thing didn't add up - he was ALWAYS on the phone with me surely I would have known if he had a wife right? I didn't know what to believe. The atmosphere at home was terrible, because of me. But I didn't fully understand my parents either. After a month of being grounded, I managed to get back in touch with him. But something seemed wrong... I was happy to hear his voice, but I wasn't sure of what to do. Something that smelt fishy in his voice.


But being the stupid teen I was, I decided to forgive everything as long as he promised to tell me the truth after that moment. Which he obviously did, just like he had done many MANY times before this as well. His lies continued, as did my disease, that continuously made me look past his constant lies. He loved me. IF he was married (which I HIGHLY DOUBTED) I would leave him straight away.I would NEVER want to mess up some other woman's life. And for all of his other ways, I would put up with him. The worst he could do is hurt me physically, or cheat on me or even leave me - but it would probably be worth it. I wouldn't mind being the first wife, yeah it'd hurt but never mind.


A year later he said marry me or leave me. I said let me tell my parents. He refused. I argued that all that time in the first nine months I asked you to marry me, you said no, not yet. Now I'm saying no. If you want to marry me let me tell my parents first. I said this because he was still lying to me and I was scared of making the wrong decision I couldn't trust him 100% - I did at times, but then he'd go breaking my trust again. He never actually managed to explain why he even lied about his name. Out of everything else, why lie about your name? And not one, but three names. He said he had 3 names. One was the lie he told me, one was his real name, and one was his nickname (certainly didn't sound like a nickname it was a proper name). But I never got a "real" answer, just "oh I made a mistake sorry I lied", or a whole load of anger. I found out about a few other girls. It was messed up. But there was only so much I could find out, as our relationship was primarily over the phone.

Anyways, after a lot of arguments, I gave in - I said fine. I tried to be clever, by saying let me speak to your dad first. Oh yeah - his parents were divorced and his dad lived in the country where I was born. He didn't tell his dad though, and we got married over the phone. There was his lawyer friend, his younger unmarried sister, his cousin & a so-called molvi who didn't even read a proper dua (and I was angry at that). I said "I do" 3 times over the phone and I signed papers that his sister bought to my college. I thought now I can meet him if he wants, because I'm his wife and Allah says you should listen to your husband. But before we got a chance, Allah saved me. I randomly stumbled across a website saying that without a Wali, a marriage is void (incorrect). I told me best friends about what I had done, they were all devastated as they hated the guy and they thought I'd lost contact after my parents found out. They were shocked and tried to explain to me the gravity of my actions. They tried to help me find out whether the marriage was Islamic or not, we tried emailing Zakir Naik foundation. The staff there simply relied saying"girl loose contact". And that seemed like a pretty harsh answer for me at the time.

We reached the conclusion that my legal marriage isn't Islamic - simply because even under the Hanfi school of thought (which apparently allows females to get married without a Wali), a female must get married to someone of equal status. But we were both from very different background (PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, THIS IS JUST MY UNDERSTANDING - there isn't much information available on the "equal status" topic).

[I cannot visit a mosque I can just get information through the internet, which I have been trying to. I feel Allah has really helped me though.]



So anyways, after telling my legal, but not Islamic, husband that we are not married he blew up. He was furious, as usual. I told him to go ask the imam from the biggest mosque in our country. He said he did, but a year later when I sneakily asked him again, he said he didn't. That's okay because I never believed him in the first place. I pretended to believe him so that he wouldn't get angry at me, because when I started asking him questions he got angry saying why are you doubting me. So I gave up fighting. I made excuses each time he'd ask me to meet him. Soon afterwards he left the country to find a job to help support me as he felt I was his responsibility. That was really nice of him. So it wasn't difficult to be "safe" (not give in to a very illicit relationship).

I wasn't convinced in the first place as I felt Allah showed me this sign for a reason. I started reading the Quraan to get more answers. It was the most AMAZING this that I'd EVER experienced. It was beautiful. I gained strength through Imaan. My mood was always dependent on ABC previosuly, but now I felt more free, like my wings had started spreading. I had Allah so nothing could harm me.


I had to eventually tell my parents, and now that ABC had found a job it was a green light from his end. I was fine with his unemployment though. I was happy to be the working one as long as he "loved me" (must sound like a joke, but only someone who has gone through what I have can understand). Anyways, I kept putting off telling my parents, because I was trying to write a book to convince them, so it kept getting delayed and more delayed. In between I stopped reading the Quraan on a daily basis too - with all the exams I was taking my life wasn't too balanced.




A few months ago my parents started talking about getting me married. That's when I realised I REALLY needed to complete my "book". And it was really hard - in fact I STILL haven't written it. On top of that they wanted me to get married to a couple of guys who were very educated and from similar backgrounds. They told me that the guys were very accommodating and caring. Which was absolutely surprising to me I never thought guys could be like that. It still didn't bother me - I still wanted ABC because I felt safe thinking about him.

With so much going on, I fully turned to Allah again. I asked for help. And I got it. I told ABC that we really aren't married, that I was making excuses to you but we aren't and that you need to go ask the Imam in your country, so I will not engage in anything unIslamic no matter what you say. He really flipped. He likes being in control. That's when I reached my breaking point. There was one road where he was standing, and there was another road to Allah.


It's the most courageous thing I have EVER done, and I am really proud I chose not to give in. It may sound really trivial for anyone else, but after all those years of blindly following his desires over myself, I finally managed to break free. And I was doing GREAT, BECAUSE ALLAH WAS ON MY SIDE. I was doing this FOR ALLAH. I told him, if you want to leave me over this, go ahead. I don't care anymore. I need Allah and I'm not going to leave Him anymore. I will do my BEST to try and become a better Muslim, not just a better person in this world. If you care about this relationship, you would follow Allah as He is in control of everything.

So he agreed, after a lot of fighting and after he kept saying I was "making excuses for leaving him". It seems to me as though he lied again, saying that there's an imam on gmail called bin zaid or something. It really didn't sound real at all the id sounded so fake. Then he said that the imam said "your wife is making excuses you are married". And I was like what?! I really am NOT trying to make any excuse, I STILL care for him more than anything else and if my parents agree I will happily live with him (Islamically). But he said fine whatever makes you happy, once he realised I wasn't going to give in to him anymore.





It's been 4 years (nearly 2 years after the legal marriage). I have come to terms with the fact that my parents don't hate me. I thought I'd be able to convince them to let me marry him, but after many tactful discussions, I have realised it isn't going to happen. They got so angry and emotional at the slightest thought, I wouldn't want to hurt them. I've NEVER wanted to hurt ANYONE... I just never understood why it would hurt them. I kind of do now, after having talked to them.On top of that they're older than me, and my dad keeps talking about how he isn't physically as fit as he used to be. IF ONLY I HAD REALISED ALL OF THIS BEFORE. But it's okay - I mean Allah always forgives his creation right? I've NEVER wanted to hurt anyone. I was just really ignorant, and tied up in a mythical world of my own. I didn't have a clue of how society worked - I used to believe everything that people told me - it's all I'd ever been exposed too. I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for all my actions. I made mistakes, I sinned. I decided to do all this. But I've now realized the mistakes I made. And I'm really trying to correct them.


I did an istakhara, and my friends told me that once I got a sign, I HAD to follow through, no matter what. They were proud of me, that I finally managed to digest the idea of a life without ABC, and they see this as the first step. So anyways, I gained the strength to believe in the istikhara and tried. I must admit, it wasn't the proper 7-day istakhara, but I made the dua from the bottom of my heart (surprisingly I'd been making the same dua in different words everyday for the past 2 months). And although some people say a dream isn't the answer, I did get a dream, but it wasn't a good dream about ABC. So I prayed that I get more signs.. I did get a few more signs (when my parents got really emotional when I bought the topic up - that really was a turning point for me I'd never want to "destroy them" as they kept saying to me that my past actions with XYZ [AKA ABC] would have destroyed them and the rest of the family completely). And although I think the Shaytan is still trying to convince me otherwise (because I don't want to leave ABC and get married to someone else leaving him all alone and totally broken), I have a feeling Allah is telling me to back-off. Usually, I only get the whole shaytaan feeling when I listen to songs or watch movies and stuff, and technically that is not very Islamic. And I usually feel Allah is saying "no" when I pray or sit with my family... So I think this means what I have written.



The thing is, I genuinely believe that ABC has changed for the better. I've been telling ABC to pray to read the Quraan etc etc - he says he does. But just like I thought he'd changed last time, he could be lying this time too. It seems less likely now but I can't be sure, as there was a girl in his life after he legally married me as he accidentally added her to the skype conversation and swore at me and divorced me over Skype in writing while she was in the conversation. Then apologised later. And he'd NEVER use the "d" word before. He always used to say he hates it because his parents were divorced. It's quite confusing one minute he's the best, the next he's the worst. We have a Rihanna Eminem relationship (Love the way you lie)..



I don't want to hurt him. I always pray to Allah to give me all the pain, to spare my parents and ABC any of the pain that has been caused because of my own stupidity and my own actions. I really don't want any of them to be hurt - I don't mind absorbing everything as I HAVE FAITH that I will be okay as long as I have Allah is with me. REALLY don't want anyone I love to suffer (no-one wants that), but ESPECIALLY not because it's MY FAULT, MY OWN stupid actions.


I told ABC that my parents could get messed up if we go ahead. Sometimes he says "I understand I know you love me but your parents don't", but sometimes he says he'll do something really bad if I leave him. He never defines "bad". I asked him whether he meant suicide, he said no. I'm not afraid of him though, because I am ONLY doing this for Allah. If i wasn't for Allah, or if I knew my parents would eventually understand I would stick to him. Even if he is a married liar, I got into this myself and I believed him myself even though the whole world was screaming don't. I FULLY take responsibility for all that I have done, and I have faith I can live with my actions (as long as I follow Allah).




I'm not here for sympathies or the opposite, I'm not an angel I've made quite a few terrible blunders and I feel bad enough to know that what I did was wrong. It'd just be nice if I could get some Islamic advice on what to do/what to do next. Or any advice on anything I've written that is incorrect. Like I said, I don't wish to hurt anyone, not my parents, not ABC. I do realise that this isn't the Shariah council, and as someone wrote on another post, everything is not always in black & white in Islam. They grey parts are the ones where it is best to be extra careful as they can lead to right & wrong. Allah bless ALL those who have so beautifully contributed to the posts, where I have gotten many answers from. This (and the internet) is truly the only place I can turn for advise, it is not physically possible for me to go to a Mosque.



Thank you so much for all your time in trying to read and understand my situation, may Allah bless you.


:jz:

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:



I admit that i did not read the whole story - it's too long . About got married over phone , ask a Mufti if it's valid or not .

[Alpha Dude]

:sl:

I read your post. Got the gist of what you are saying.

One thing that I will tell you and I sincerely hope you will take heed of is that this guy you talk of is bad news. Full stop. There's red flag after red flag.

There is no good in him, from what you have described and I would say you should cut off all contact with him. My conclusion is that this man used you. He just wanted to lure some girl and you fell in his trap, sister. You need to get out of this hole, as soon as you can and don't look back.

Sister, honestly, I will make this red and bold and underline it so that you get the message: THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS. STAY WELL AWAY AND MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO RID HIM FROM YOUR LIFE.

I am confused on the Islamic status of your marriage, though.

So, this is what I think you should do:

1.

Find a reliable, trustworthy Imam and explain your situation (just give the facts, no need to describe emotions etc): the goal here is to ascertain the status of your marriage, in Islam. Tell the imam about the phone call where you said 'I do' and also describe the lack of wali and also describe the 'divorce' he said to you on skype and any other relevant information. Perhaps call or ring the people here for advice if you don't know any shaykh in real life.

2.

a. If the imam says you are not Islamically married, then Alhamdulilah. Move on with your life. See point 3.

b. If the imam says you ARE still considered married, I would say that you need to get out of this 'marriage' ASAP. Ask the imam for advice on how to get out of it. Then see point 3, once the marriage is broken.

Look at the facts:

i. you don't even know him.
ii. you've never met him in real life (I assume it's all been over the phone).
iii. he doesn't work
iv. he swears at you and disrespects you
v. he lies to you over and over
vi. he is not husband material, he is not going to give you your rights
vii. he may be married already with one kid, from what you described, which more than heavily implies he has been using/luring you

3.

Don't feel bad for him when you ditch him. He is not like you. You are sensitive, compassionate etc. You would be making a huge mistake if you think he is the same in that regard. He's not going to break down, cry and be heart broken if you leave him. So no, you do not need to feel bad. If you do feel bad, that would be shaytan giving you doubts. Ignore them. Time heals, remember that. The more distance you put between this episode and your life, the better and stronger you will feel.

You made a mistake and now you need to leave that mistake in your past. Ask Allah to forgive, guide and help you and don't EVER open any means of communication with this guy again. No Skype, no MSN, no email, no phone calls, no WhatsApp NOTHING. Delete and block everywhere and chuck away your phone and email accounts if you have to. Leave it buried and move on in life. Regardless of any insult or blackmail (I wouldn't put it past this guy) that he threatens you with. Put your trust in Allah and be firm and strong in your decision.

May Allah solve your situation and make things easy for you. Aamen.

[Alpha Dude]

Another thing, sister that I think you should do is do remember Allah more in your heart. Think of him, communicate and make dua to him. Every night, before you sleep, make a long dua for guidance and help and protection and forgiveness and pour your heart and soul out to him.

Do more dhikr too. The more dhikr and the stronger your connection with Allah, the less you will feel anxious and the less shaytanic whispers would be able to affect you. In sha Allah.

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[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum
There is so much information in your post and so much I would like to explain to you in return. I'm not even sure where to begin. So just bear with me trough my post, this is gonna be long. But just so you know where I'm coming from; I have been on the other end of an abusive persone in marriage 3 years ago. So I think I've got a good idea of what you're going trough right now, so I hope you take the time to really consider the things I'm trying to tell you.

About self-esteem
Are you really better now?
You said you're feeling more confident now, yet I think you still have self-esteem issues. And I think your indicisiveness to stay/leave comes from there.
When faced with such a decision, there are several factors which come into play and might affect your decision, like what your parents think, what this guy thinks, wheter you want to hurt him or not. But if you're self esteem were in balance (not to vain, but not selling yourself short either) then the most important factor for making a decision would be this: "Is he good for me." the answer seems quite clear => NO
He lies to you, manipulates you, treathens you. Those three red flags alone show that this guy isn't a good man for anybody (and who knows what you didn't even tell us, or what you don't even know). And nobody should put up with that kind of abuse.

Why is it wrong?
You need to understand the complexity of having a low-self esteem. See, the mind is divided in several parts. (I won't go to much in detail, but you can look up freud's topography of mind if you want to know more about that). Basically, what's important here is that two seperate parts of your mind are in battle. The part of your mind which is conscious and rational understands that you're not a bad person, that you have good character-traits and most importantly that you always seem to have good intentions (although you hate to admit it)! However the part of your mind that is subconscious and emotional, is convinced that you're a bad person and deserve to be treated badly, that your interests are of lesser importance than those of somebody else. It is this constant battle between these two seperate parts of your mind that turn your life into a devestated warzone.
Albert Ellis said that the only individuals who can be truly altruistic, without having a hidden agenda, are people who have such damaging self-esteem that they would even destroy themselves for the sake of others.
so now you might think, hey if my low self-esteem helps me to be altruistic, isn't it a good thing then? No, because it will destroy you, and eventually you'll start dragging other people in your downward spiral. So if you don't work on your issues, eventually they will bleed all over the people around you.
See it's interesting to go a bit deeper into these theories on how self esteem is formed, and the function of this subconscious part of the mind which believes you deserve no better. When we grow up, there are two parts of our mind which help us survive as a group. On one hand, we have our conscience. On the other hand we have what freud called our superego. The conscience Is not that little nagging voice! That's where most people misunderstand themselves. A conscience is nothing more than an overwhelming feeling based on the emotional bound that you have with others. It doesn't compell you to do what is right from an abstract point of view, rather it compels you to be "loyal" towards the people you have an emotional attachement to. So with only a conscience, we are still able to do bad things. So a second mechanism is required, the superego. Basically what it does is internalise external authority. In other words; it will try to compell you to act in the way you believe society/parents/god wants/expect you to act. The problem ith this is that sometimes when growing up, some people pick up on the wrong things and force unrealistic or unhealthy expectations on themselves. That's where low self esteem comes from. somewhere when growing up, you subconsciously convinced yourself that society expects you to disregard your own well-being for the sake of everybody else! You convinced yourself that society expects you not to be happy. But can you rationally believe that this is what Allah subhana wa ta'ala wants for you?

So what now?
What do you need to realise to heal you from this condition?
You are important! Your well-being matters! Your happyness matters!
The only reason you've put up with this persons manipulation and abuse, is because you somehow convinced yourself subconsciously that you deserve no better. You're putting everybodys elsescomfort/discomfort before your own. But think about it; if you would decide to stay then you're the one who will have to live with his ****! So why shouldn't it make sense that your happiness, that your interest/well-being weigh most heavy in the decision? Somewhere in the rational part of your brain you understand why he is bad, and why you should leave him, but the emotional part tells you that you should suck it up, for his sake. Break off all contact. As long as this guy is stomping his feet on your head you'll never be able to climb out of this pit. Take the time you need to work on yourself. In a couple of years you'll be a whole new person and you won't be able to believe that you ever put up with him. And once you allow yourself to be happy, you have a pretty reasonable chance to find it.



About wheter the nikah was legal
Truth is, it doens't really matter. If it wasn't legal you need to leave him, if it was legal you need to divorce him. don't let him guilt you into staying! chances are that if you ask diffrent scholras they will give you diffrent answers. Like you said, it's an issue in the grey zone. So if you are worried that Allah subhana wa ta'ala thinks the marriage is lawfull (despite all the deception and manipulation it is based on) then ask for a divorce, you certainly have sufficient grounds for it. But if you feel that this way will be to hard/difficult for you, rejoice in the mercy of Allah, he has made it a grey zone for a reason. there is certainly knowledge in all his decisions, and Allah subhana wa ta'ala knew everything that would happen in advance. The multitude of opinions is not a test from Allah, it is a mercy!




About identity
Each person has this image of how he/she wants to be, and wants to be percieved. This is a very powerfull drive in many our decisions. Basacally where this comes from, we want people to accept us as an individal. Be that in the form of liking us as a loving person, admiring us as a cool person, fearing us as a dangerous person, respecting us as an incorruptable person, eachperson fills this in in his own way. The more insecurities we have, the stronger this drive becomes and the more important we find it for people to think in those ways about us. I think you already know this, you even mentioned it partially, but I don't think you realise just to what extend this affects us. It seems to me that the identity you have chosen for yourself, the person you're trying to be is a person who is perfect on every level. This is of course connected to your low self esteem as you said. the reason I bring this up, is because I want you to realise how impossible of a standard you're setting for yourself. I mean there's nothing wrong with striving for perfect. But on the other hand you need to accept that you are not perfect (like all the rest of us). And of course, rationally you already know this, but emotionally you might not accept this.
And I know, you're probably thinking, wait, doesn't this contradict what you said before about self esteem being emotional and subconscious?
Well, as odd as it might seem at first, it's perfectly possible for both emotions to exist! No matter how contradicting they seem. That is off course because emotions are never rational. They simply are what they are. Rationalisations come afterwards.
But anyway, my point was, trying to be perfect in just one field is impossible, trying to be perfect in every field is insane. Take desperate housewives for example, dunno if you watched the show, but it sets a good example of what I'm saying. Each of these fictional characters are driven by the image they want to send out. One wants to be percieved as the perfect and tidy housewife, there's the emotion and loyal friend, the succesfull buisneswoman, the pasionate model. And each of them at one point or another has to make huge sacrificies for that "image" they want so desperatly. And each of them at some points end up doing such contradictory things. Now imaging trying to be perfect on all those levels at the same time. What would you sacrifice then? See being perfect at one thing, always comes at a price, always "cuts-in" in other areas. So, basically, try finding a balance...


About this guy
Projection
A very common mistake people make, is that they assume people are all alike when it comes to how they think. While thath is true to some extend, we are at the same time all very unique in the way we are mentally "wired". And it is not just in a general sense that we think this. Often we tend to "project" certain charesteristics we have onto others. Some good examples; a person who lies allot will always have a hard time believeing others, because he assumes they all lie as well. Or a person who cheats on his wife will often be very jealous, because he fears that she'll cheat just as easily as him. Or to get back to you, people who always have the best intentions and wouldn't dream of hurting others, always seem to assume that other people are like them as well, and that all evil acts of men(or women) come from misunderstanding and poor choices, and mistakes and so on. Well no! some people do set out to use/abuse others from the very start! Not because they fail to see the consequences of their actions, but because they simply don't care about others.

The four precent.
Remember a couple paragraphs above how I explained how the conscience works; that it is an emotional overpowering urge based on the emotional attachement you have to others. Well statisticly speaking about 4% of the population is unable to form an emotional attachement to others. Hence those people also don't have a conscience and they expierence no emotional consequence once-so-ever from their actions towards others. they do have a superego which will compell them to act as they think society expects from them, but those expectations might also be unrealisic. Techically they call this: anti-social personality disorder. I try to avoid the term sociopaths, because hollywood has painted such a narrow vision of how sociopaths are/work/act. They are not all serial-killers and criminals. They come in a variety of shapes and colors.

Is he like this?
Wheter or not he actually has anti-socil personality disorder I can't say. I know to little, and I'm not qualified to make such judgements either way. But it is rather obvious however from his actions that he doesn't have an emotional attachment to you! Or if he does that it does not compel him to look out for your well-being. that he puts his own interest before yours. So eitherway he's no good for you and you shouldn't 'settle' for him.

Some guidelines
-Trust your intuition, it is your best line of defence against abuse. Sometimes we just know somebody is up to no good, but we have no proof and concince ourselves that we need to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Well, no, there's no harm in being cautious. When people are dishonest and hiding behind a facade,somehow our subconsciousness picks up on that. We can't always put our finger on it,but this person just "rubs us the wrong way". This is a powerfull tool, learn to listen to it again.
-Don't make excuses in sombody's place. If you start making excuses for people's behavior before they even ffer an explenation for it; people will pick up on that.For the predators among us, that's like you would be walking with a big bulls-eye painted on your shirt. When sombody does something questionable, just in your mind turn the situation around and think about it. How would I feel if I had done what this person has just done, how would I react? And is this person his reaction in any way similar? Often when we do this excersize it suddenly becomes clear to what extend our low self-esteem is allowing people to walk all over us.
-Limit your empathy. empathy is good, but keep it balanced. Dont be afraid to cut people out when the are harmfull!


May Allah subhana wa ta'ala help and guide you.

Ps: to end on a somewhat brighter note, At the beginning of my post I told you I've had a similar experience. Well just so you know, about a year later I found somebody else, got married. We're together for 2 years now, have a little girl (1year old now). Why am I telling you htis? even though now you might feel liek the weight of the whole world is on yoru shoulders. Don't loose hope. Never stop believing tha t a diffrent life is possible for you!

[Muslim Woman]

:sl:

sis , ask a Mufti about ur marriage and divorce.



Darul Ihsan Islamic Services Centre
Website: http://www.darulihsan.com/
Email: fatwa@darulihsan.com
3rd Floor, Gem Towers
98 Overport Drive, Durban, South Africa
P.O Box 76474, Marble Ray, Durban, 4035
Tel: 08611 IHSAN (44726) - Fax: 031 207 3749

Islam Q/A Sites:

1. Hanafi Madhab:
   
   1. Askimam.org
   2. Fatwa.ca
   3. Darul-Iftaa (Leicster)
   4. Darul-Iftaa (Birmingham)
   5. Al-Qalam (Bardford)
   6. Mathabah
   7. Darul-uloom Trinidad & Tobago
   8. Mufti Online (South Africa)
   9. The Majlis (South Africa)
   10. Tafseer Raheemi
   
   
2. Shaf'ae Madhab:
   
   1. Shafi Fiqh
   
   

[Periwinkle18]

Assalam o alikum

Aww *hugs*

Alhumdulilah bro alpha gave some v good advise plz do listen to what he says.

I just want to say pray alot sis ask Allah to keep u safe this guy seems like he's evil. How can u like someone who lies to u again n again how cn u ever live with someone like that hea only trying to fool u n nth else dont talk to him ever again.

Alhumdulilah Allah saved you.

May Allah help you and make things easy for u ameen

You need to get rid of this person asap forget that u ever knew him gosh its all so scary I'm so happy that Allah saved u from something horrible He loves you more than anyone else.

May Allah bless u n keep u happy always ameen.

[Muhaba]

Nikah without wali is invalid. there is a clear hadith about this and no matter what anyone else tells you, such a nikah is invalid. If a woman doesn't have a wali then the court / ruler is her wali (also according to a hadith).

As for XYZABC, he has done everything wrong and is still compelling you to do things in an unislamic way. The right thing for him would be to go to your parents and propose. Your parents / relatives would then see his family, friends, people who know him and get information about him, and verify whether he has told the truth or not. If XYZ isn't willing to do that, then there can be no marriage between you. You should absolutely have no contact with him. Even if he does go to your parents and proposes, and your parents refuse, you should accept their decision. It's already proven to you that the man lied to you.

So forget about this man; he is not your husband. delete his phone number and change your own so he can't contact you. move on with your life. Don't let him blackmail you emotionally. REMEMBER, THE RIGHT WAY FOR HIM TO PROCEED IS THROUGH YOUR PARENTS, NOT BY TELLING YOU HE'LL DO SOMETHING BAD IF YOU LEAVE HIM. AND HE HAS TO ACCEPT YOUR PARENTS' DECISION. he also has to accept that you cannot marry him on your own. This man is unfit for marriage because his religiousness is very low. So forget about him completely. You aren't doing the wrong thing when you try to break the relationship. He's doing the wrong thing trying to continue an unislamic relationship.

[anonymous]

Thank you for all the help Muslim Woman. I have already visited MANY sites discussing this topic, and so has one of my best friends. We tried to get as much information as we could on the validation of the nikkah. To my understanding, I am not Islamically married, however I am legally married.

In my family, my parents do not generally blindly follow any school of thought or scholar (with all due respect). I asked & they said we just follow the Quraan & ask Allah to show us the correct path if we are not sure. And then one of my family members said something about how Islam says follow your heart/intuition if you are not sure, & I must say I had a very strong feeling about the validity of this marriage. I felt that 1/4 views on marriage wasn’t very substantial. Perhaps if 3/4 said yes it would’ve sounded a little more convincing. Please note, this is NOT because I don’t want to be married, in fact I wanted to desperately find a way to make it Islamic at the time. I just couldn’t get rid of the feeling of a “void marriage” no matter how much I wanted to close my eyes and believed in the Hanafi school of thought.

So I dug deeper. I tried to understand the Hanafi position on things. Here are the details:


Islamically
There are 4 schools of thought in Islam. Out of the 4, 3 say that nikah entered into by a woman herself, without the permission of her wali, is invalid and void (i.e. Shafi’i, Maliki & Hanbali). Whereas the Hanafi ruling on this matter is that a woman can enter into a marital contract by herself without permission from her wali depending on the circumstances.

The position of all the four schools in Ahl al-Sunnah wal Jama’a is that the rulings of all four schools of thought are valid. However, the ghair muqallid accuse the Ahnaf of following an opinion contrary to hadith. This allegation of theirs is quite baseless and it is only due to their superficial knowledge of hadith as well as of the ruling of the Hanafi school that they raise such allegations.



The 3 Islamic schools of thought

“Nikah without wali is not valid and a woman can neither do her own nikah nor do someone else’s nikah. A woman cannot make a non-wali her wali and if she does this then such a nikah will be invalid.

Supporting hadith (this is what Allah put in front of me before I had a chance to meet him as his “wife”. I truly think that this was a sign. I have faith in Allah & it’s hard to believe that this was just a coincidence. I didn’t search for this. I was searching for how to please your husband/be a good wife – something totally different to this topic)

• "No marriage is valid without a wali." [related by Ahmed and others and deemed sound by Ahmed, Ibn Hajar and others]
• "There is no marriage without the permission of a guardian." [Sunan of Abu Dawood 2080, Narrated Abu Musa]
• "When a woman marries without the permission of her wali, then her marriage is not valid, not valid, not valid." [Related by Ahmad, Tirmidhi and others. Tirmidhi said, this is a hasan Hadith]

After I read this, I was pretty upset. That’s when I started reading the Quraan from the bottom of my heart, for the first time. It definitely changed me for the better. It can’t just be a coincidence right?



Hanfi

It is stated that an adult, sane woman, virgin or previously married, has the right to carry out her nikah without the permission of her wali (guardian) to someone who is suitable. This step is to be used as a last resort when all other steps have been exhausted to obtain permission from the father. It is stated in Imdad ul-Mufteen pg 440:

“Nikah of a woman without permission of father is valid but if this woman marries without permission in the absence of a valid legal reason, then she is sinful. Firstly, it is a sin to displease the father without any valid cause. Secondly, to marry without permission of the wali is also a shameless act and not void of sin.”

Hence it is seen that a woman should marry herself off to someone suitable only if it is extremely necessary. However, if the woman marries herself off to someone who is unsuitable, then such a marriage has not taken place. It is stated in Durr al-Mukhtar vol.2 pg 29:

“IF A WOMAN MARRIES A GHAIR KUFU’ (UNSUITABLE) MAN WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF HER WALI, THEN THIS IS INVALID.”

The marriage will only be valid if the woman marries a kufu’. If her wali, however, gives permission for her to marry a non-kufu’ then the marriage will be valid.”

“If she married herself to someone who is not a suitable match for her, then the fatwa in the madhhab is that the marriage is invalid. This is the narration of Hasan ibn Ziyad from Abu Hanifa, and was chosen by Qadi Khan, Marghinani and the later scholars as the fatwa position in the madhhab.”

Two reasons why I think I am not Islamically married:


1. I did not ask my father, in fact I thought I would be able to convince them later on as I had intended to in the first place. I thought I’ll do as the guy says and I will convince them later. In NO WAY was I EVER planning to leave home without their consent. And he knew that I had made it clear that I would remain unmarried till death but I wouldn’t get married to anyone else. Eventually they would agree. Now that I am quite sure my father won’t agree, I still haven’t asked other male mehrums who I think, may agree if I try. (I’m not going to as I have intended to leave this man for the sake of Allah & my family).



2. The guy has to be “kuf” (suitable). Here’s a list of what I found on the internet. I cannot post links. (Please note, I am not trying to degrade this man in any way. Personally I don’t value money or education or anything. I just wanted to marry him because I felt he loved me and that it would be enough.)

i. Lineage, if the two parties are of Arab origin;
ii. Islam
iii. Freedom
iv. Wealth
v. Religiousness
vi. Profession. (If the profession of the suitor and the woman’s father are similar in social standing, then he is considered a suitable match. If the profession of the suitor and the woman’s father are disparate in social standing, then the suitor with a comparatively low profession is not considered suitable for someone of a high profession.)

kuf': equal, alike, matching
In Kitab ul-'Athar, Imam Muhammad has reported Sayyidna 'Umar saying: "I shall issue an operative order that no girl from some high and recognized family should be given in marriage to another having a lesser status."

And here are our differences (most that I can think off at the moment, but I think there are more)

ME

HIM

Very well-educated parents	Not very educated parents
Relatively Islamic family	Family seem to have very less Islamic values (from what he has told me about most of his cousins)
Professional qualification (will be complete in a few months Insh’Allah)	A fake GCSE certificate (but has apparently been to primary school abroad)
Well-off background (financially)	Not so well-off background (financially)
He’s the first, and hopefully last, guy I really cared for & wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I care for a lot of people, but things seemed like a fairytale with him. They don’t anymore, now that I’ve seen there’s more to life than just love. First & fore mostly – Allah.	I think he has had relationships (physically and/or otherwise) with other women, he denies it though but some things are pretty obvious – you wouldn’t type in “honey I’m in <city> I’ve safely reached” to a woman on a foreign number. And just a few other signs like that things just didn’t add up
I really try to base everything on trust, and I have since day 1	He doesn’t seem to fully understand the importance of trust, maybe because his parents are divorced.
Much younger than him (14 years)	Much older than me (14 years)
Nothing to hide	Has been hiding a lot of unIslamic things from me
Previously unmarried	Marital status questionable

To my understanding, according to Hanafi (& obviously the other 3) I am NOT Islamically married. Everyone I have asked till today has said that the match is far from suitable. Please correct me if you feel I am wrong. This isn’t just based on facts, but on gut feeling too (I have explained a bit of it above).


Legally
Technically, after reading a section of the law in this Islamic country, it seems as though the nikkah is legally invalid too, since for a nikkah to be valid over the phone, witnesses are required from both the man & the woman’s side, but I was all alone when I said I do. In either case, it is registered – XYZ's friend lawyer managed to get it done without any witness from my end. (Getting things done without a formal method is quite common in my country).

[anonymous]

I am still writing a response to everyone else's posts. I can't believe so many people have actually taken time out to help me, thank you so much. It's not easy writing such long replies, especially because I'm at home. But I will try replying ASAP to everything that has been mentioned here. Again, I can't thank everyone enough you have all helped save me in ways I cannot explain. All the people who write on IB have definitely made me much stronger, emotionally mentally & spirituality :)

:jz:

[Periwinkle18]

Aww sis :wub: :wub: we're here for u, you're not alone you've got Allah with u n InshaAllah you'll get out of this mess really soon. :) InshaAllah.

May Allah keep you happy always ameen. :)

Take good care
Nemo

[anonymous]

:sl:

It's been quite long since I've posted here - sorry for the delay. I still haven't managed to write up the replies to everyone because of all the academic work I've been having to deal with.


Just a quick question -
I signed up to volunteer with a charity for a week (in a city away from where my family will be at the time), but I'm thinking of cancelling it since I am planning to tell my parents after that time and it may be better to focus on this, rather than spend about a week volunteering (the shifts are quite long so it's quite close to impossible to be able to do anything else during those days). I know it is good to help others & although it started off purely to help, it has now (since I've been closer to Allah) become a bit of a "to please Allah" thing as well. Do you think it would be better (in terms of Allah's pleasure) for me to volunteer, or to skip this year in order to work on trying to disclose this matter to my parents?


Again, I cannot thank you all enough for all the guidance from everyone, thank you for all the help. May Allah bless everyone who takes their time to help make others' lives better. I will try & get back to everyone's posts as soon as possible :inshallah

[Ahmad H]

I did an istakhara, and my friends told me that once I got a sign, I HAD to follow through, no matter what. They were proud of me, that I finally managed to digest the idea of a life without ABC, and they see this as the first step. So anyways, I gained the strength to believe in the istikhara and tried. I must admit, it wasn't the proper 7-day istakhara, but I made the dua from the bottom of my heart (surprisingly I'd been making the same dua in different words everyday for the past 2 months). And although some people say a dream isn't the answer, I did get a dream, but it wasn't a good dream about ABC. So I prayed that I get more signs..

Sister, I read your whole story, word-for-word, and felt that you need to reconsider this dream you saw. When rishtas were being put forth or my sister, and suitors came over to my family to speak with us, my mom and I got dreams which indicated where my sister would get married and should not get married. I once saw a dream about one of the men and saw my family saddened by that marriage. So I strongly communicated that, and later on found out that same man got married but he wasn't so good in marriage. My mom had a dream at one point which told her the household (husband's father's name) of where my sister was going to get married.

So my advice to you is to listen to that, because it is obviously stating the truth. By all means, ask for more. Dreams are a part of nubuwwat, so there are true dreams. Do ask Allah to give you advice through them. I do it all the time. You got your answer to not be with this man from two sources, from Allah directly, and from this man's constant lying.

As your brother in faith, I will tell you why he is no good for you. You are truthful and honest. You don't want to hurt other people, and so you don't hurt him. Has he once thought about how much he hurts you? Just how selfish can a man be that he doesn't take to heart what you have gone through for him? You aren't guilty of anything except being manipulated by this man. I had friends before who manipulated me, and I at times felt comfortable with them, at other times I felt like my soul was being ripped in two by their actions. But you were considering marriage with this man, who sounds like that type of person!

That was advice from me in general, now here are specific Islamic reasons why you should not even speak or associate with this man. One, he is a liar. There is a Hadith which says that a man keeps lying until he is known as a liar in Heaven, and he is known for that in the world as well. This man is obviously a liar, and he is tainted by them. He is therefore, evil company. Your spending time with him has done nothing good for you.

As for disobedience to parents, I don't see that in your actions. You obviously didn't intend to harm them by liking him. But the advice I give to you for future reference, is to not speak to men with a soft voice. Muslim women should speak strongly with men so that men don't feel tempted to try and seduce the women they are speaking with. I don't know if you spoke softly with this man, but if you are as you say, and you don't try to harm others as much as you can, then you probably did. That is fine with family, but not with non-Mahrams. You spoke with your parents regarding this and you are repentant to Allah regarding it. Repentance to Allah is like you didn't sin at all. That is something the Holy Prophet (saw) said, so keep repenting if you wish and remember not to despair of Allah's Mercy. Allah's love for us humans is of a much greater magnitude than what we humans have for each other.

As for the marriage through the internet, I am not sure if this man even saw you before that or if you saw him before that. But meeting in person with family is absolutely important. Think of it this way, marriage is a means to further propagate the future generations. The family MUST know who is coming into their family. This man, a liar and a fraud, was going to become part of your family, married to a truthful person such as yourself? I stress on his lying because that alone is a criterion for cutting off relations with him, not just in love but in every sense. Liars are outcasts. If Atheists dislike liars, then imagine how much more we Muslims should dislike them for going against Allah?

Getting married without a Wali, is like committing Zina. This is the seriousness of doing what you did, according to the Ahadith. This is a good statement to keep in mind as you should realize that if you think you are married to mister ABC, then you aren't. That marriage is not valid, and your friends have done a lot of good to tell you that that was wrong. If you kept on going with that, then you might have incurred Allah's displeasure.

One of the four things to look for in a person is their Iman. Liars do not have Iman. So again, lying is really ruining the prospects of a good life with this man. You need someone truthful. I hope that In sha' Allah, you find a good Muslim, truthful and honest.

You were young when you fell into this man's trap. Allah knows best how he has misguided you to doing things you would not normally do. But you broke away from it. Just keep away from him for good. He is not good enough for you. That is the reality. You have not lost your innocence if you are repentant towards Allah. It is still there.

When you do actually get married, you should do so with a Wali, and let your family know this person first and have your appointed Wali approve of it. You must have a Walimah when you get married, this is what the Holy Prophet (saw) did, and what he did is law. Yes, I may not be a mutfi myself, but these are rules you become familiar with when you read the Ahadith often. Since second-hand sources have failed you in giving you any real information on this, educate yourself on marriage before you go any further with anything:

http://www.sunnah.com/bukhari/67

http://www.sunnah.com/muslim/16

http://www.sunnah.com/nasai/26

http://www.sunnah.com/abudawud/12

http://www.sunnah.com/tirmidhi/11

http://www.sunnah.com/ibnmajah/9

http://www.sunnah.com/malik/28


And perhaps find the issues you specifically want to know about from this book. It seems fine:

http://www.kalamullah.com/fiqh-of-marriage.html


Please educate yourself on this issue. You don't have to read all of the Ahadith or the whole book, but do go through at least and take what you need to be satisfied. Your ignorance on this has caused you a lot of confusion, so I hope Allah will relieve you of this confusion.

[ardianto]

Just a quick question -
I signed up to volunteer with a charity for a week (in a city away from where my family will be at the time), but I'm thinking of cancelling it since I am planning to tell my parents after that time and it may be better to focus on this, rather than spend about a week volunteering (the shifts are quite long so it's quite close to impossible to be able to do anything else during those days). I know it is good to help others & although it started off purely to help, it has now (since I've been closer to Allah) become a bit of a "to please Allah" thing as well. Do you think it would be better (in terms of Allah's pleasure) for me to volunteer, or to skip this year in order to work on trying to disclose this matter to my parents?

:sl:

I will tell my story.

I've ever made a big mistake in business that made me fell into bankruptcy. I tried to wake up, but failed, failed, and failed. It made felt like an useless person.

One day when I was walking distractedly, I saw an old man beside a street. He looked like wanted to cross. I asked him "Want to cross the street, sir?". He said yes. So I helped him crossed the street. Arrived in opposite, he said Alhamdulillah, then he looked at me and say with smile "May Allah reward you, son". I smile at him too, and suddenly I felt stronger, I felt I had a new power to face my problem, and Alhamdulillah, then I could start my business again.

Young sister, helping the other can make you feel stronger to face the problem in your life, and In Shaa Allah, you will also get an easiness to solve your problem.

So, take that opportunity to help the other.