Fear of exams leading to depression

[kqaleel]

Assalamu Alikum

I am an MBBS student from India and have been suffering from depression for the past 11 years with remissions and relapses. my depression occurred for the first time while i was in 8th standard. i had lots to study for the final exam and i lost my sleep during that night . it was a social studies exam , next came mathematics exam and i had the same issue there. Then it was sleepless nights for months and was severely anxious about my future life and all. i couldn’t sleep, enjoy tv or feel happy. time passed and came the first unit test of 9th std , i attended it fully depressed without studying anything . when the results came i was 12th in class and was so sad, then i thought of coming back and studied well and my problem was over. next time i got 85% marks. life was happy again, had the same sense of happiness as ever before. but during some nights i did lose my sleep prior to the exams. but there were no negative thoughts. then came the 10th std board exams and just 2 months prior to the exam, the negative thoughts reappeared. the characteristic feature was persistence of a thought in which i will see many places in the background. I dint study anything and went for the exams and got 87%. the ambition of my lifetime was to be a doctor and so i pursued a science course , things went fine for 1 year and again the same thoughts with images of places reappeared and i got depressed. i dint want to study anything and didnt want to write the exams. it was for the first time i consulted a psychiatrist, he prescribed me TAB ESCITALOPRAM 10 MG daily and slowly i recovered. i could study, but the "PLACES" persisted in my mind and couldnt concentrate cent % . also i was not feeling fully happy like i used to feel before. i studied well and cleared my exams and got 97% marks !! then i went for entrance coaching to get through and get admission. i had to spend 2 yrs for it and got admission to a medical college. i studied , but still had the places in mind. the 1st year exam was a hell lot of trouble for me and i lost my orientation and got depressed again, i was sure that i will fail and was so sad. but to my surprise , when the results came i got 67% and passed !! i was ok for the next 4 years. when the final mbbs exam came, i had the same negative thouhts and had no confidence to face the exam. i just wanted to run away , i tried to jump from a railing, tried to broke my forearm bones and tried to attempt suicide for in numerous times. but i was not successful. i consulted my dr again and he prescribed this drugs
1. TAB ESCIATALOPRAM 10 MG BD
2. TAB DESVENLAFAXINE 200 MG OD
3. TAB LONAZEPAM 0.5 MG OD HS

my thoughts didnt change and had no intension to write the exam , and it was my father who took the initiatives and strain to make me attend the exams. without any interest i attended all theory exams and when it came to practicals , i was totally disoriented. i couldnt remember things. My memory was flogged and couldn’t sleep at all. I was envious of the people who were happy and who could sleep well. Whenever I saw someone happy , I got irritated. Whenever I was watching tv , I will think –this characters don’t have any depression. There are songs running in my mind, along with the places. i tried to run away from the exam hall and i dont know how, but was back at the exam hall and attended all exams. now i am worried that i will fail in the exam. Why am I so afraid to face an exam ??
my maternal grandmother had committed suicide due to mental issues, all her children have some mental problems. Is my problem hereditary ??

my thoughts are:
1. none will be depressed to face an exam , everyone will have anxiety but why i am like this ?
2. the world around me is happy , but i am so sad.
3. i know its very futile to think so, but still my thoughts dominate me
4. i feel hopeless , its not worth living etc
5. i need help, please help me. what should i do ??
6. I am not supposed to live in this world as I am ill for no reason


From Islamic viewpoint

I am a practising muslim, I prays 3 to 5 times a day, fasts in ramadhan and do believe in Allah. Everyone says I am having this problem because I don’t have iman , it may be true because whenever I feel depressed I wont pray and will abuse Allah. I wanted to escape from this and so had to commit suicide even though I didn’t have the courage . so I tried to make up my mind in this way, there is no Allah and even if you die, you will have no problem. I am also a sex addict and this reduces my iman. I used to watch porn and badly wanted to have sex. During my final mbbs exam, due to stress I had decided to commit suicide. So before dying I wanted to have sex and approached a prostitute. I never felt guilty for what I did and still don’t feel so. So dear brothers and sisters, what is the cure for my problem ? I know Allah is there and prophet muhammed is the true prophet but I cant get rid of this unwanted worries. I do want to live a good life and do want to be a good doctor. Why am I not feeling guilty for all the bad things I have done ??


Family background
Both my parents are well educated, my siblings are professionals and I hail from a traditional, Islamic family. My parents do have quarrels and I don’t think they both love each other sincerely. There was an issue of a dowry problem just after their marriage and their relationship is not that good.

My father has lot many enemies due to his outspoken nature and he is not at good terms with his brothers. The brothers are very cruel and would they have done any black magic against me ??

I know the solution for all my problems is lack of iman and thaqwah, which is mainly due to my affliction towards sex. I want to be a man with full of iman, happy and bold. What should I do ??

PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME