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ILuvAllah
11-01-2013, 03:20 PM
Assalamualaikum,

I decided to start this thread for sharing our confessions. Lets start with mine. I am 27 years old girl unmarried. So my parents are now very concerned about my marriage because I have reached the age of marriage. I do want get married and have children but today suddenly I was thinking when I get married, I would belong to someone else, I would enter a new family. I would move away from my parents. As I was thinking I couldnt help my tears. I was crying so much thinking who would give me the love my parents gave me? I am the dearest child of my family. I am the light of my family.

My parents want me to get married and I know that marriage is important but I feel scared. I get mixed feelings about getting married. Sometimes I feel like I would be a good wife, sometimes I feel no I wouldnt make a good wife. I also feel scared of divorce. Actually Im a very sensitive person. Anyway, life, death and marriage depends on Allah. So I put my trust in Him.
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Muslim Woman
11-01-2013, 03:54 PM
:wa:


sis , did u mean thoughts / worry ? What I understand confession is to tell others about the sin / mistake we did in the past . In Islam , it's advised to confess to Allah only . We must not tell others about our sins .


Anyway , don't worry about marriage . We have stages in our life . If u don't get married , u will see how worried ur parents become about thinking ur future . Do the right think at the right time . It's better to get married before 30 . Else some / many women face problem having kids.


may Allah bless u with a pious partner.
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Ahmad H
11-01-2013, 04:05 PM
If I'm to confess on something, it is that I wish it wasn't a Sunnah to get married, since I would rather become a hermit than get married - quite seriously. Marriage seems so mundane, so useless. I find it the greatest misfortune of my life that I am stuck with the idea of having to ever get married. It is literally a prison for me, the whole idea of it. Life seems so free as it is now. Having a woman attached as if some cord is attached seems like a nightmare.

The issue with this is that I feel sinful about having this idea. But is it so sinful to want to live life just a little differently? It's not like I date, I would just rather be an ascetic who lives life fully for this religion. It seems more fulfilling. Marriage takes time away from that. I know I can't live life alone, yet I yearn for it as a Muslim very dearly. It's this feeling of wanting to be alone with God, and not wanting anyone else getting in my way with that. If I put it into symbols, a wife=troubles and worries. Rather than being forced to spend time with some wife, it seems like it is better to spend that time in contemplation of God.

That's my confession. And yes, confessing sins is wrong in Islam. But confessions about thinking a certain way don't seem wrong to me, since they have gone on in this forum consistently.
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ardianto
11-01-2013, 05:01 PM
@ILuvAllah

Wa'alaikumsalam

If my wife was still alive, she must be would tell you that belong to someone who love you is not scary, but even will make you happy.

So, rather than afraid to getting married, it's better you make dua wish Allah give you a good and pious man as a husband. Then try to be a good wife, and in Shaa Allah, your husband will always love you.

:)
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Ramadan90
11-01-2013, 07:57 PM
Originally Posted by Ahmad H
If I'm to confess on something, it is that I wish it wasn't a Sunnah to get married, since I would rather become a hermit than get married - quite seriously. Marriage seems so mundane, so useless. I find it the greatest misfortune of my life that I am stuck with the idea of having to ever get married. It is literally a prison for me, the whole idea of it. Life seems so free as it is now. Having a woman attached as if some cord is attached seems like a nightmare.

The issue with this is that I feel sinful about having this idea. But is it so sinful to want to live life just a little differently? It's not like I date, I would just rather be an ascetic who lives life fully for this religion. It seems more fulfilling. Marriage takes time away from that. I know I can't live life alone, yet I yearn for it as a Muslim very dearly. It's this feeling of wanting to be alone with God, and not wanting anyone else getting in my way with that. If I put it into symbols, a wife=troubles and worries. Rather than being forced to spend time with some wife, it seems like it is better to spend that time in contemplation of God.

That's my confession. And yes, confessing sins is wrong in Islam. But confessions about thinking a certain way don't seem wrong to me, since they have gone on in this forum consistently.
It doesn't have to. Marriage is beautifully integrated into your life purpose. There is so much wisdom behind marriage that we dont know. It does protect your from things that could harm you in the end.

In a way, I do understand you as an introvert. It would feel to much to have a person near me ALL THE TIME, but I would love to have a life partner/wife that share the same values and purpose as me.
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ardianto
11-02-2013, 12:46 AM
Originally Posted by Ahmad H
It is literally a prison for me, the whole idea of it. Life seems so free as it is now. Having a woman attached as if some cord is attached seems like a nightmare.
One evening, I was in a cafe, meet few old friends after long time we didn't meet. And my cellphone was ringing few time.

Then one of them gave an idea to go to other places and enjoying the night. Everyone agree, but I told them "Buddies, I really want to go with you, but I can't. I must go home", They went together to enjoy the night while I went back to my home where my wife was waiting for me. Yes, that phone call were from my wife who ordered me to go home.

Yeah, marriage was a prison for me, literally prison. I lost my freedom that I had in my young age when I could go anywhere, slept anywhere. I lost my world as motorcycle racer who raced from circuit to circuit, and outside of the race I could ride my off road motorcycle to hill and beaches. That's the male world that I've ever had.

But I didn't mind. I lived in prison, but with the prison guard who love me. I felt a great happiness in my heart that made me happier than live in freedom but with an emptiness in my heart.

Marriage is a prison, and I am happy in this Prison Sweet Prison.

If I put it into symbols, a wife=troubles and worries.
If a stranger woman make a trouble in my home, I would throw her out, and don't need to worry about her. But if my wife cause a trouble, then it's my duty as her husband to handle it. And if I felt worry about my wife, it's because I love her.

I have lost much money for my wife medical treatment, but I didn't worry about this financial trouble. I just worry about my wife because I didn't want to lose her. It's because I love her. And then if I can accept the destiny, it's because I love her too. I know Allah has given the best thing for her. If my wife still alive, she would always in suffer with her condition.

Love is the most important thing in marriage that will make us happy in it. Love in marriage, not love before marriage.

So, young bro, you don't need to thinking that you should fall in love first to someone and then marry her, because you can start with marry someone, and then you love her. Trust me, she will love you too and make you happy.
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ardianto
11-02-2013, 01:09 AM
Not every marriage is happy, but it doesn't mean there's no happy marriage. There are many many happy marriages in the world. However, when people feel happy with their marriage, they just smile. But when people feel unhappy with marriage, they rant everywhere, tell everyone "Marriage is hell!!!"

Of course it cause negative image on marriage among young unmarried people that make them worry to get married. And the worst is, if finally they enter the marriage, they enter it with the spirit to fight. Just imagine what will happen then.

Now to my niece ILuvAllah again.

Do not be influenced by people who rant about unhappy marriage, but try to notice people who live happily in marriage, and start learn how to build happiness in marriage.

:)
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ILuvAllah
11-02-2013, 01:28 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Not every marriage is happy, but it doesn't mean there's no happy marriage. There are many many happy marriages in the world. However, when people feel happy with their marriage, they just smile. But when people feel unhappy with marriage, they rant everywhere, tell everyone "Marriage is hell!!!"

Of course it cause negative image on marriage among young unmarried people that make them worry to get married. And the worst is, if finally they enter the marriage, they enter it with the spirit to fight. Just imagine what will happen then.

Now to my niece ILuvAllah again.

Do not be influenced by people who rant about unhappy marriage, but try to notice people who live happily in marriage, and start learn how to build happiness in marriage.

:)
thank you brother for the encouragement. I have many examples of bad marriage including my own parents but I dont let it get into me because i dont want to be single all my life. I have grown up seeing my parents fight with each other all the time but Alhamdulillah it didnt create a negative image of marriage on me. I want to be the ideal muslim wife and I understand it requires a lot of patience and sacrifice to live a happy married life. My aunt gave me a good advice, she said if you make others happy then Allah will make you happy. So its very important to make the husband happy and he should do the same too cause a happy life depends on both husband and wife and not just the wife.

Actually my mom told me that she didnt get a good husband because she didnt ask Allah for it, so she told me to make dua to Allah for a good pious husband and i believe Allah has made someone special for me and we should never give up hope on Allah.
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ardianto
11-02-2013, 02:34 PM
Originally Posted by ILuvAllah
Actually my mom told me that she didnt get a good husband because she didnt ask Allah for it,
In another word your mother said that your father is bad husband. No, no, this is mentality that must not exist in married life.

Young sister, maybe after getting married you will feel disappointed with your husband character and behavior that not as good as your expectation. If you think he is a bad husband, bad man, then you will hate him and will not care on him. But if you think he is actually a good man but make mistake and still need to learn how to be good husband, then you will care on him and will try to make him become a better husband.

I know a wife who always complain about how bad her husband was, and her husband always complain too about how bad his wife was. Then? they got divorced.

But there is another woman who was my employee in mid of 90's. She was not stranger for me, I know her husband, I know her husband behavior in that time. He often drunk, slept on the street, did not care to his family. Sometime I heard this woman complain about her husband behavior, but I never heard she said like "my husband is not good man!". She had a good patience.

Entering 2000's I saw her husband was better than in mid of 90's. Now, Alhamdulillah he has turn into good husband. This is the result of his wife patience.

Marriage is a life that built together by the husband and the wife. Both parties have responsibility to make this life is always going well on its track. If the husband began to diverge, the wife should make him back to the right way. If the wife began to diverge, the husband should make her back to the right way.

We should not regard marriage as a legal dating because we will think like in dating. "Oh, he/she is not good!. Okay, break up!". This is the main cause of divorce.

We must regard marriage as a family, which we love our spouse with sincerity from our heart, like love of parents to their kids, like love of kids to their parent. So we will always care on our spouse.

In Shaa Allah, if you have a love like this in your heart, you will also have special love for him that will make you always want to have a romantic moment with him.

:)
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ILuvAllah
11-02-2013, 06:53 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
In another word your mother said that your father is bad husband. No, no, this is mentality that must not exist in married life.

Young sister, maybe after getting married you will feel disappointed with your husband character and behavior that not as good as your expectation. If you think he is a bad husband, bad man, then you will hate him and will not care on him. But if you think he is actually a good man but make mistake and still need to learn how to be good husband, then you will care on him and will try to make him become a better husband.

I know a wife who always complain about how bad her husband was, and her husband always complain too about how bad his wife was. Then? they got divorced.

But there is another woman who was my employee in mid of 90's. She was not stranger for me, I know her husband, I know her husband behavior in that time. He often drunk, slept on the street, did not care to his family. Sometime I heard this woman complain about her husband behavior, but I never heard she said like "my husband is not good man!". She had a good patience.

Entering 2000's I saw her husband was better than in mid of 90's. Now, Alhamdulillah he has turn into good husband. This is the result of his wife patience.

Marriage is a life that built together by the husband and the wife. Both parties have responsibility to make this life is always going well on its track. If the husband began to diverge, the wife should make him back to the right way. If the wife began to diverge, the husband should make her back to the right way.

We should not regard marriage as a legal dating because we will think like in dating. "Oh, he/she is not good!. Okay, break up!". This is the main cause of divorce.

We must regard marriage as a family, which we love our spouse with sincerity from our heart, like love of parents to their kids, like love of kids to their parent. So we will always care on our spouse.

In Shaa Allah, if you have a love like this in your heart, you will also have special love for him that will make you always want to have a romantic moment with him.

:)
Thats one of the best piece of advice anyone gave me. May Allah bless you. I have learnt that happiness cannot be achieved without patience. May Allah give me more patience.

I would like to share something with all. I have achieved tremendous benefit through the istikhara prayer. I never realized istikhara is so powerful. I advice all to perform istikhara before taking any major decision in your life specially marriage.
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ILuvAllah
11-02-2013, 07:11 PM
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Muhaba
11-02-2013, 07:58 PM
I think I have too high expectations regarding marriage which is strange since my parents didn't have a good marriage and divorced. I grew up in single parent home. Still I believe in happy marriage. but lately I've seen cases of domestic abuse and that has greatly saddened me. such cases can cause phobia in a person and make them fear marriage.
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Ahmad H
11-02-2013, 08:04 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
So, young bro, you don't need to thinking that you should fall in love first to someone and then marry her, because you can start with marry someone, and then you love her. Trust me, she will love you too and make you happy.
You gave great advice, but on this, I have to say that I don't believe in the whole "falling in love" thing. That is a mere fantasy, so I get that. It's more like "Buy me this, then we're good".

I still don't see how marriage is supposed to be fulfilling. My point is that, as Muslims, we are forced to get married (by the Sunnah) because if we don't do that, then we are considered disobedient to Allah. That is what is making me feel ever more distant from the idea of marriage. I always figured it was our personal choice in life. As much as I love every teaching in Islam, and follow it as best as I can, I find this the most difficult to follow, since I'd rather not get married.

But the freedom to be with friends isn't what I would miss. I would miss having that time to sit alone and contemplate on God, or to retire into what I would like to call "my cave". Instead, I HAVE to deal with marriage, which forces me to have to spend time with some woman. It's really quite distressing. Not because that is what marriage is like, but that I am "forced" to deal with this.

My dilemma in all this is that if I don't get married, I am disobedient to God, and if I do, then I am obedient to God but unhappy for the rest of my life. But that should mean that being obedient while unhappy about something means more rewards, right? Alas, that is my true confession...
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ardianto
11-03-2013, 01:02 AM
Originally Posted by Ahmad H
It's really quite distressing. Not because that is what marriage is like, but that I am "forced" to deal with this.
I understand if you have a feeling to be forced for marriage. But, bro, when finally you must marry someone because pressure from your family, please, don't vent your anger to your wife. She is an innocent woman who also become a 'victim'.

Please don't think you are in prison with a female guard, but try to realize the reality that you and her are prisoners in this prison. Try to compromise with her, share with her, and work together with her to make this prison become a comfortable place for living. In Shaa Allah, your closeness with her will raise love in your heart.



Edit: Doesn't mean I urge you to get married if you don't want. But I just give an advice what you should do if you must get married and feel coerced. I write it because I've observed few cases. I give this advice not only for you, but also for other brothers who feel like you too.

I hope you understand, bro. :)
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Ahmad H
11-03-2013, 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
But, bro, when finally you must marry someone because pressure from your family, please, don't vent your anger to your wife.
Venting my anger on my future wife would remove a lot of good from me. I would definitely get punished for that severely if I ever hit her.

Even if you aren't urging me to get married, the Sunnah does. This is the problem I have. I am disobedient to the Sunnah if I don't get married, therefore I have to in order to stay a good Muslim. I want to be a good Muslim, but I don't want to marry at all.

Jazakallah for your advice. May Allah reward you for replying to me and helping me with this issue. May He relieve your burdens on the Day of Judgment just like you tried to remove mine here.
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Nabooly
11-03-2013, 08:16 PM
I am a loner...I do not think I could live in a house with another human being that I must share all my thoughts and feelings with.

The problem is without a family life gets 10x more complicated when I will be 50/60/70 years old. No kids to take care of me, no family occassions, relatives all have their own families. Quite depressing actually. I live in the same city as my grandma. Her husband (my grandpa) died a long time ago before I was born. She lives alone because she doesn't want to be a burden on any of her kids (but honestly none of them would mind and would love to have her there). Nonetheless she is living by herself. But they take care of her. Every single one of her 5 kids does their part out of pure love. I also do my part.

I can't imagine what I would do if I was in her situation without children. Who could I depend on? I'm 22 years old now. I consider myself Muslim 100%, however I don't do everything properly. I do not sin though, elhamdillah. I haven't done drugs, I'm virgin and no desire to have relations, I treat everyone with kindness, and do the best I can to better myself in this world and hereafter inshallah. It's a huge dilemma. Sometimes I consider asking my parents to set me up with someone that would be ok with a quiet husband.
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ILuvAllah
11-04-2013, 02:46 AM
Originally Posted by Nabooly
I am a loner...I do not think I could live in a house with another human being that I must share all my thoughts and feelings with.

The problem is without a family life gets 10x more complicated when I will be 50/60/70 years old. No kids to take care of me, no family occassions, relatives all have their own families. Quite depressing actually. I live in the same city as my grandma. Her husband (my grandpa) died a long time ago before I was born. She lives alone because she doesn't want to be a burden on any of her kids (but honestly none of them would mind and would love to have her there). Nonetheless she is living by herself. But they take care of her. Every single one of her 5 kids does their part out of pure love. I also do my part.

I can't imagine what I would do if I was in her situation without children. Who could I depend on? I'm 22 years old now. I consider myself Muslim 100%, however I don't do everything properly. I do not sin though, elhamdillah. I haven't done drugs, I'm virgin and no desire to have relations, I treat everyone with kindness, and do the best I can to better myself in this world and hereafter inshallah. It's a huge dilemma. Sometimes I consider asking my parents to set me up with someone that would be ok with a quiet husband.
thats the same kind of feeling i get sometimes. im somewhere between scared to get married, scared to be single all my life.
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ardianto
11-04-2013, 04:36 AM
When I was kid I have seen a number of car accidents, few were deadly accidents. But instead of made me afraid to drive car, I decided to learn driving properly and then drive car carefully to avoid me get accident.

When I was young I have seen a number of broken marriage. But instead of made me afraid to get married, I decided to learn how to establish, manage, and maintain a marriage properly. I felt the benefit of this knowledge when finally I entered married life.

But getting married did not make me stop learn about married life. I continue learn, even until now after my beloved wife returned to Allah. It's because I see great benefit of this knowledge, and I hope other people will feel its benefit too through little advice about how to establish, manage, and maintain a happy marriage that I can share.

Also, I hope my knowledge will help me in giving a happiness for the new Mrs.Ardianto.

:)
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Muhaba
11-05-2013, 07:44 PM
Originally Posted by Ahmad H
You gave great advice, but on this, I have to say that I don't believe in the whole "falling in love" thing. That is a mere fantasy, so I get that. It's more like "Buy me this, then we're good".

I still don't see how marriage is supposed to be fulfilling. My point is that, as Muslims, we are forced to get married (by the Sunnah) because if we don't do that, then we are considered disobedient to Allah. That is what is making me feel ever more distant from the idea of marriage. I always figured it was our personal choice in life. As much as I love every teaching in Islam, and follow it as best as I can, I find this the most difficult to follow, since I'd rather not get married.

But the freedom to be with friends isn't what I would miss. I would miss having that time to sit alone and contemplate on God, or to retire into what I would like to call "my cave". Instead, I HAVE to deal with marriage, which forces me to have to spend time with some woman. It's really quite distressing. Not because that is what marriage is like, but that I am "forced" to deal with this.

My dilemma in all this is that if I don't get married, I am disobedient to God, and if I do, then I am obedient to God but unhappy for the rest of my life. But that should mean that being obedient while unhappy about something means more rewards, right? Alas, that is my true confession...
Why does the Sunnah order a person to marry? Because marriage is a human need and life without it can not be lived well. Not getting married can cause many problems from mild psychological problems to falling into zina. In order to prevent that, marriage has been made part of Sunnah, so that those who want to live their lives in worship of Allah don't start hating marriage because it takes some of their time that could be spent in service of Allah. We must remember that it is Allah Who decides what the correct way of life is. And we have to submit to Allah wholly, so when He says 'abstain from this,' we abstain. and when He says, 'do this,' then we do that. That is correct servitude.

It's not just marriage that may take time away from worship of Allah. Earning also takes one's time but it wouldn't be right to leave your job in order to spend every waking moment in zikr, while depending on charity for food. That isn't the way of life God wants from us. Islam wants us to live a moderate life. To work enough to earn a living while also spending some time in servitude of Allah and the religion (Da'wah), to marry and have children and spend time with one's family while also doing other things. Islam doesn't want us to become extremists doing only one thing. Islam doesn't encourage us to become workaholics nor does it encourage hermits, nor does it encourage sacrificing everything for one's spouse and children. If you follow every aspect of Sunnah, you'll be able to live a moderate stable life. You don't have to marry if you don't have the means (or if have no sexual drive) or you haven't found the right person until these are solved. No one is forcing you to marry someone who takes you away from religion. Fact is that the right spouse can bring you closer to Allah.

Finally, it's not right to question Allah's commands. As Muslims we have to totally submit our will to Allah's.
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ardianto
11-06-2013, 12:39 AM
"You should have a wife!". Again, someone told me about it. Last time from an Islamic teacher wife. I just smile, and then she told me again "Do not too long, find the new one!".

I begin to familiar with it although I think they are too fast. My wife passed at June 11, and mid of July they were start talking about it. Amazingly it's started by my wife friends who met her in her last days.

But I am not alone. I have children who haven't ready to accept a new woman as their mother. Yes, this is the difference between unmarried man and a widower with children. When I was young and unmarried, I was looking for a wife for myself. Now if I am looking for someone new, I am looking for a mother for my children.

I understand if my children haven't ready at the moment. I cannot selfish. Their happiness is my happiness too. I love their mother so much and I will always love her with dua and my responsibility to raising our children.

But I am just an ordinary man, and honest, I realize they are right, I need someone.

Okay, this is my confession.
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ardianto
11-08-2013, 05:22 PM
Originally Posted by WRITER
I think I have too high expectations regarding marriage which is strange since my parents didn't have a good marriage and divorced. I grew up in single parent home. Still I believe in happy marriage.
Expecting happy mariage is normal, not too high. But you must realize that you will not get what you expect if you don't do anything to get it.

You should work together with your husband to build and maintain happiness in marriage.

but lately I've seen cases of domestic abuse and that has greatly saddened me. such cases can cause phobia in a person and make them fear marriage.
Fear of domestic abuse is nomal. This was the fear of my wife when she was young, and this is why she expected me to be her husband although there were many men who wanted her.

My wife had know my character and personality long time before we made promise to marry each other. We met everyday in classroom in high school. I was close with her family since in high school because her older brother was my friend. Some people around her were my friends too who knew much about me. So, with this many 'recommendation' she did not hesitate to marry me.

Just an input for sisters. It's better you choose a man who recommended by people you can trust.
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