format_quote Originally Posted by
straightpath1
Asalaam Alaikum,<br>
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I need some advice on how to deal with a situation im having with my little sister. My lil sis just started college, and for like the past few months iv noticed she got a lot attitude towards my family members. She gets mad at us easily and especailly adoids and ignores me. Whenever I want to talk to her or check up on her she tells me to leave, she has a lock on her door and never opens it to me. I literally have to stand there for over 10 mins before she opens the door and tells me to leave. I am very upset with her behaviour, I noticed when she goes to college in the moring she wears some make up and I told her not to then she says "well my friend wears it to I can If I want". Also, I hate that she wears tight clothes, no hijab, although I dont force her to wear a hijab, I hate seeing her in tight clothes and make up. But whenever I try to talk to her about it she gives me attitude and does not listen. I try to tell her nicely and try to show her its not allowed in Islam, but no she thinks im attacking her and she has really now turned against me. Also, recenenlty since she started college, I noticed she added this boy on her Facebook and it literally made me so upset. I even asked her if she spoke to any ppl in her class or made new friends and she said yea I met two girls, but on her fb page i saw this dude added only. I asked her about him and she said he goes to her college and she dosnt care about him, he jus added her. I told her to delete him, that she does not need to talk to boys in college there are enough girls in campus and in class if she needs help. What I hate most is that this boy is non muslim and I went on his fb page and he seems like a flirt and not good. Im so scared and worried I reallly do not want her to talk to him even if its just about school. Plus she has pics of herself up which she wont take off. So when i told her to dlt him she didnt and on top of that yesterday i saw he posted a happy birthday message on her fb and I freak out that i commented on the post saying "who r u talking to my sis" and when my sis saw it she got soooooo mad at me. I dlted the comment and felt bad but now she is mad at me and I even tried to apologize but now she wont talk to me. I tried and my parents tried but now shes even more against me than before and dsnt want anything to do with me. I dont know what to do. How do I talk to her, Im actually kinda scared to talk to her again. <br>
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My sis is a nice, shy girl,, she only has one friend who wears a hijab. My sis is not the type to drink, party and never dated before. However, Im reallly scared that the way she is acting and going against the family that she will go down the wrong path and esp with this boy in her college; Im afraid he will try to do something to her. SHe prays sometimes, when I ask her to pray she is like okay, makes some excuses then goes to pray. She is not very religious. I dont know why she got mad at me over some stupid college boy, and why she is ignoring me. I need advice on how to talk to her and get her to stop giving me attitude, to get this boy of her fb and to make her start wearing loose clothing. Please help me, she is realy pretty MashAllah and im scared that these boys in her college will come after her and that she may go down the wrong path. I really need advice on how to change her and make her more pious. Thanks.
:wa: sister,
JazakAllahu khayrun for sharing your story and seeking advise for this matter.
Its always difficult to watch a family member/ loved one follow a path that we know is against islamic teachings and that only promises loss in this life and in the next.
As you may have realized, very often, irrespective of the type of advise that we may offer, it may fall on deaf ears - and results in more tensions and anger between family members.
The reasons for this could be a combination of:
- Your sister is going through young adulthood - with new found independence and freedom (being at college), and the notion that she is an 'adult', and should thus be free to make her own decisions.
- Peer pressure at campus - to dress in a certain way, and intermingle in the manner that is acceptable by society.
- She is at the stage of life where the opposite sex, and their perceptions of her, will matter a lot more than before - unfortunately, much more than what her older sister thinks.
- Hijab, segregation between genders, the importance of observing salaah, respect for parents and family members, control over the use of social media,etc - should be a way of life that is inseperable from the family -
as kids are growing up.
If these values did not feature very high in the past, then it often becomes very difficult to suddenly provide multiple levels of advice in succession, or to try to influence a persons behaviour in a short space of time.
- It often occurs that we may try to provide the best advice to our family members - but they do not heed.
Yet when the very same advice is provided by another person, they may decide to follow it.
Sometimes, it may boil down to the manner in which this advice is provided to the person, or the fact that they respect the authority from whom the information is received.
In relation to the above, I would suggest the following in shaa Allah:
1. It would be a good idea to get your parents involved, and try to indirectly raise these concerns with them. Depending on how seriously they regard these issues, they may decide to act on your concerns.
Ideally (and
most importantly), your sister should be given an 'ultimatum' (by your parents):
That if she wants the
privilege of studying in a mixed enviroment, then she needs to show that she is responsible as a young muslim women - by adopting proper hijab, not intermingling beyond necessary limits with males, etc
In other words, she needs to understand that as much as education is important......what is even more important is our deen.
If she is not willing to make these efforts, then she should be removed from this mixed enviroment, and perhaps a course/ degree can be pursued from home.
There is no benefit in sacrificing ones deen for the sake of this dunya.
2. Invite her to attend islamic seminars/ talks/ ladies halaqas, etc.
If you have friends who may also have a positive impact on her (in the manner that they dress and relate to others), then include her in your outings together.
Replace TV programmes with islamic lectures and recitation of quraan in your home.
^ In these small ways, her micro-enviroment will change to one that is more focussed on deen, and in shaa Allah, this will be a means of influencing her behaviour. She may also be more receptive to hearing an aalim speak about the importance hijab, etc. than to hear the same advise being provided by members of her immediate family.
3. If you do not live close to a masjid (so that azaan is audible), then if possible, invest in an azaan clock for your home/ install an azaan app on your phone (just remember to place on mute when going to the toilet).
In this way, this can serve as daily reminders to the entire family when it is time for salaah - and try to encourage everyone to leave what they are doing, and to read salaah as a family.
4. Make abundant duaa that Allah guides her in all decisions, and protects her from the fitnahs of this dunya.
5. Realize that the best that we can do for our loved ones is to offer advice and to try to direct them towards the goodness that Islam has to offer.
Ultimately, there needs to be an
internal desire to change ones way of life - and this only arises once there is recognition of Allah and His greatness, and when there is a desire to seek His pleasure in all matters.
:wa: