Should I become his second wife?

[Deeni sister]

Salaam,

I hope I am able to put my current situation into context.

In march last year I posted a thread under a different username: Deeni Sister
The post title was: positive istikhaara and a broken engagement. Please have a quick glance to help you understand how I have got myself where I am now. You are able to find the thread by a quick google search of the title.
I am now in a dilemma as I'm unsure what to do. Whether I should walk away from this brother or whether I should become his second wife.

After our engagement had ended we remained in contact with the hope that we would get married. His mother continued to find a replacement for him to marry and he refused as well as he could. His father is terminally ill therefore the brother was put under a lot of emotional blackmail/pressure to marry someone of their choice.

A few days ago I received a phone call from him where he broke the news that he has agreed to an arranged marriage for his farthers sake. He has only seen a picture of the female and isn't happy with the set up however is sacrificing his happiness for his parents. He claims he isn't attracted to the female nor does he think he will have any type of connection with her as she is uneducated and from Pakistan therefore he feels they are not compatible. He hasn't raised these concerns due to his farthers illness.

I understand that what he is consenting to is not islamicly correct.
After he spoke to me of how he will marry the girl to say to his family I granted your wishes and not feel the betrayal of his family. He said that he is willing to give me his full commitment and marry me also as I have waited for him, we have been in a relationship and we know that we are compatible. I know that he loves me and cares for me and I am empathetic to his farthers illness however I feel upset for the other female involved and her family. He said he will try to be a good husband to her as it is not her fault but doesn't intend on mentioning a second wife until he is married.

He has given me the option to walk away as he says he doesn't deserve me. He and I are both weak as we are in love. Therefore I'm willing to make sacrifices and compromise for his sake.

I just don't know how to get to the best decision.

Jazak Allah Khair for your time.

[Snowflake]

Assalamu alaykum Sister,


The first thing that comes to mind is the hadith about helping your brother if he is oppressed or the oppressor.


Anas

reported: “The Messenger of Allaah

said: 'Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or is oppressed.' A man asked: 'O Messenger of Allaah! I (know how to) help him when he is oppressed, but how can I help him when he is an oppressor?' He

said: 'You can restrain him from committing oppression. That will be your help to him.'”[Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]


Forcing a man/woman into marriage is a form of oppression. In this case your fiances parents are the ones oppressing him. It would be better for the their akhirah if the brother reminds them, especially with his father being terminally ill, to refrain from what Islam prohibited. We will never build a stable society if we allow such oppression to go unchecked. He should gather all the evidence prohibiting forced marriages/caste system to show his parents, and seek the help of an imam to personally advise his parents if need be. I think it needs be.

The second thing that comes to mind is Zayd's (Ibn Harith) divorce of Zainab bin Jahsh (a cousin of the Prophet (pbuh). Due to both being incompatible Zaid was extremely unhappy with the marriage as was Zainab, and several times asked the Prophet (pbuh) for permission to divorce Zainab. But every time the Prophet (pbuh) advised Zaid not to divorce her. However Zayd divorced her and far from Zaid being held accountable in Allah eyes for disobeying the Prophet, Allah commanded the Prophet (pbuh) to marry her, which of course he did. The Prophet (pbuh) had already known that it was ordained for him to marry Zainab, yet he had worried what people would say and kept it to himself. The following verse was revealed in relation to this incident:

"And (remember) when you said to him (Zayd bin Harithah) on whom Allah has bestowed grace (by guiding him to Islam) and you have done favour (by manumitting him): "Keep your wife to yourself, and fear Allah." But you hid in yourself that which Allah will make manifest, you did fear the people (i.e., their saying that Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) married the divorced wife of his manumitted slave) whereas Allah had a better right that you should fear Him. So when Zayd had accomplished his desire from her (i.e. divorced her), We gave her to you in marriage, so that there may be no difficulty to the believers in respect of (the marriage of) the wives of their adopted sons when the latter have no desire to keep them. And Allah's Command must be fulfilled." [Noble Quran 33:37]


So you see, nothing is above the Law of the Creator. Allah gave a man/woman the right of consent to marriage. If we know someone is going against it, it's our job to try and stop them, and especially our dear parents whom we don't want to see held accountable on the Day for transgressing Allah's limits. I feel by giving in to forced marriage we are supporting evil. I have seen how, when if by chance, the forced couple do end up being compatible, it only reinforces the parents belief that they were right all along and that children don't know any better so it it okay to force them into a marriage parents see fit. It's also worrying that your fiance thinks he won't feel any connection with the other sister. While love doesn't come into the equal treatment of multiple wives, he must treat them the same in every other way. But could a man really do justice between a wife he choice and one who he accepted out of pressure? Doesn't seem likely. Allah says:

"And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]." Quran 4:3


This could really ruin that girl's life. If your fiance is really against marrying the other sister, then he should try to prevent this marriage taking place in the best possible way.

As for your confusion about being a second wife (if it comes to it) then that is entirely up to you ukhti. There is nothing wrong with it provided he treats you both equally, and even then that is also something as a loving wife you would have to encourage him in if he acts unfairly with regards to the other sister.

But first if he is really against it he should try to change his parents mind. That is the most worrying aspect of this whole matter as it is going against Allah's commands. As for yourself, you should keep making istikhara and leave the matter in the One Whose Wisdom is Perfect. I swear by Allah if you make istikhara with a sincere heart believing in Allah's wisdom, believing that His guidance is perfect, it doesn't matter what you or anyone else does - Allah Himself will remove any obstacles for you if it is good for your deen, dunya and akhirah and turn you away from it and it from you if it is bad for you and your end. So try not to worry sister. Advise the brother, and do your part (istikhara) and leave the rest in Allah's Hands. May Allah grant you what is good for you in this life and the next. Ameen.

[Muhaba]

The man will always comply with his family's wishes and will make your life terrible. He has no strength. If he can't refuse their wishes now, how can you expect that he will after he's married. You'll be the only one who will end up a loser. He will prefer his first wife to you should you get married because she is the one his family chose. But most likely he won't marry you but may continue in a haram relationship with you without marriage. So do the right thing. Stop all contact with him. Change your phone number and email address. Block him altogether. And move on with your life while you still can. Stop being a fool!

[Predator]

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 69:
Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al Ansariya: That her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she came and (complained) to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and he declared that marriage invalid.

The second thing that comes to mind is Zayd's (Ibn Harith) divorce of Zainab bin Jahsh (a cousin of the Prophet (pbuh). Due to both being incompatible Zaid was extremely unhappy with the marriage as was Zainab, and several times asked the Prophet (pbuh) for permission to divorce Zainab. But every time the Prophet (pbuh) advised Zaid not to divorce her. However Zayd divorced her and far from Zaid being held accountable in Allah eyes for disobeying the Prophet, Allah commanded the Prophet (pbuh) to marry her, which of course he did. The Prophet (pbuh) had already known that it was ordained for him to marry Zainab, yet he had worried what people would say and kept it to himself. The following verse was revealed in relation to this incident:

Why did Prophet refuse divorce in case of Zayd but allow it in the case of Khansa.

So .If I understand correctly Men can be oppressed and forced to continue marriage against their choice if they are unhappy. But women should continue marriage if they are unhappy.

I thought both men and women enjoy equal rights and that they are no double standards.

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[Insaanah]

:salam:

Why did Prophet refuse divorce in case of Zayd but allow it in the case of Khansa.

You are comparing two dissimilar situations.

Sister Snowflake has already mentioned about Zaid and Zaynab (may Allah be pleased with them both), but I'll mention again. As a summary, the Prophet :saws: himself had arranged the marriage of Zayd (his freed slave and adopted son) and Zaynab (may Allah be pleased with them both). He knew there was going to be a revelation coming in which Allah would give him Zaynab :ra: in marriage, but still told Zaid :ra: to stay married to her once he was told of their marital difficulties, as the criticism from society for marrying the ex-wife of one's adopted son (that time regarded as real son) would be huge. This is why Allah said, "You feared people when Allah had more right to be feared."

And [remember, O Muhammad], when you said to the one on whom Allah bestowed favor and you bestowed favor, "Keep your wife and fear Allah ," while you concealed within yourself that which Allah is to disclose. And you feared the people, while Allah has more right that you fear Him. So when Zayd had performed the necessary formality from her, We married her to you in order that there not be upon the believers any discomfort concerning the wives of their adopted sons when they no longer have desire to keep them. And ever is the command of Allah accomplished. (33:37)

See here for further details and tafseers of the verse: http://islamqa.info/en/96464

A couple of quotes from it:

The reason for revelation of these verses was that Allaah wanted to a prescribe a law for all believers, that adopted sons did not come under the same rulings as real sons, in any way, and that there was nothing wrong with those who had adopted them marrying their wives (after divorce).

This was one of the regular customs which could not be changed except by means of a major incident. So Allaah wanted this law to be introduced by the words and actions of His Messenger. When Allaah wills something, He creates a cause for it.

Allaah told His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that Zayd was going to divorce Zaynab, and that He would give her to him (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in marriage, and at that time she was still married to Zayd. When Zayd complained to him (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) he said to him: “Keep your wife and fear Allaah.” Allaah rebuked him for saying “Keep your wife” after he knew that she was to become his own wife, for fear that if he disclosed what he knew about her becoming his wife, the people would say that he wanted to marry his son’s wife at the time when she was still married to Zayd.

It is as if Zayd hinted that he wanted to divorce her, but the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him to keep her and be patient with her, even though he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) knew from the revelation of Allaah that he would divorce her and she would become his wife. But he was afraid that the people would criticize him for marrying his son’s wife, as that was forbidden during the Jaahiliyyah.

and Allaah knows best – you hid in yourself that which Allaah had told you, that Zayd would divorce his wife Zaynab and you would marry her, in obedience to Allaah’s command, and in fulfilment of His wisdom, but you feared the people’s comments and criticism of you for that, but Allaah is more deserving that you should fear Him and announce what He has revealed to you about your situation and that of Zayd and his wife Zaynab, without worrying about what the people will say or how they will criticize you.

So .If I understand correctly Men can be oppressed and forced to continue marriage against their choice if they are unhappy. But women should continue marriage if they are unhappy.

Akhi, this has been explained to you a few times before now. I'll give you the links again:

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-s...ml#post1460112

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ml#post1479008

I thought both men and women enjoy equal rights and that they are no double standards.

You are correct that there are no double standards, but we do not have a thing called equal rights, but equitable rights. Each is given rights and responsibilities, according to ones make up, capacity, role in life etc.

In any case, let this thread be for the OP to get the advice she needs.

Walk away from this sister. Once they are married and the love and mercy develops between them, regardless of what he's saying now, you may find yourself waiting forever for him.

Regarding your earlier thread, sometimes people do see dreams, but the purpose of istikhara, when you say the du'a, you're saying, "O Allah if this is good for me make it easy for me" not "O Allah if this is good for me, show me a dream". And if it is good for you, the path will be made easy for you. But as you can see, from the start, there have been obstacles, which are still continuing. This seems to indicate that this is not good for you. Trust in Allah's wisdom. Accept that this is not meant to be. May Allah grant you a pious, loving husband, ameen.

May Allah rectify the affairs of us all, ameen.

And Allah knows best.

[Snowflake]

The man will always comply with his family's wishes and will make your life terrible. He has no strength. If he can't refuse their wishes now, how can you expect that he will after he's married. You'll be the only one who will end up a loser. He will prefer his first wife to you should you get married because she is the one his family chose. But most likely he won't marry you but may continue in a haram relationship with you without marriage. So do the right thing. Stop all contact with him. Change your phone number and email address. Block him altogether. And move on with your life while you still can. Stop being a fool!

I don't think we can we sure about that. I know a brother who married from pressure and then took a second wife from his own choice, and though the wife the parents chose never wants for anything, it is the one he married from his choice that he is most happy with. I don't think we can ever make a solid judgment in such cases. Not all men who are forced into marriage are weak. I'd say they are lacking in knowledge instead because if they knew that being forced into marriage by emotional black mail was haram and they have right to refuse without Allah cursing them, most would. It's when they don't know or are doubtful, or even feel bad because their Mother is so upset, that's when they cave in as they believe that their life will be ruined if they don't do what she said. And here we have one parent who is dying. It's not easy for this brother. Make dua Allah gives his parents hidayah.

[ardianto]

:sl:

Not every man want to have multiple wives. Me too. In my married life I was never thinking to have second wife because I was not interested and also did not want to hurt my wife feeling.

But honestly. If I was in that brother position which I was be forced to marry someone who I don't want to marry, probably I would take a second wife by my own choice. Not to hurt my first wife, but as a resistance toward my parents.

I know a brother who married from pressure and then took a second wife from his own choice,

There was a brother who wrote his complaint in this forum which he was forced to marry a woman who proposed by his parents. But then he tried to find his favorite woman, found, and married her. The problem began because he did not feel comfortable with his first wife and wanted to divorce her.

That thread is in this section too, but I can't find it.

[Insaanah]

A few days ago I received a phone call from him where he broke the news that he has agreed to an arranged marriage for his farthers sake. He has only seen a picture of the female and isn't happy with the set up however is sacrificing his happiness for his parents. He claims he isn't attracted to the female nor does he think he will have any type of connection with her as she is uneducated and from Pakistan therefore he feels they are not compatible. He hasn't raised these concerns due to his farthers illness.

I understand that what he is consenting to is not islamicly correct.
After he spoke to me of how he will marry the girl to say to his family I granted your wishes and not feel the betrayal of his family. He said that he is willing to give me his full commitment and marry me also as I have waited for him, we have been in a relationship and we know that we are compatible. I know that he loves me and cares for me and I am empathetic to his farthers illness however I feel upset for the other female involved and her family. He said he will try to be a good husband to her as it is not her fault but doesn't intend on mentioning a second wife until he is married.

He has given me the option to walk away as he says he doesn't deserve me. He and I are both weak as we are in love. Therefore I'm willing to make sacrifices and compromise for his sake.

I just don't know how to get to the best decision.

:salam:

As an addendum, what does your wali say?

The most important thing, is that your wali is involved here. This is what a wali is for, to ensure that you do not get taken for a ride, or swayed by the emotions you find yourself in. This is not supposed to be your decision to make on your own, but with the advice and guidance of your wali. Nobody can have your best interests at heart as much as he.