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ujk3000
01-20-2014, 03:08 PM
Assalamualaykum everybody, I'm new here. I was born a Muslim, thank God, but I constantly commit so many sins. From lying to sex, alcohol and drugs. Not to mention I dropped out of college. My job is just okay. I have made my life so complicated, so many things are messed up. If my family found out any one of these things, they would be so hurt. I could say excuses to back up why I did this or that sin but it would be very long. Sometimes I become "clean" for 2-3 months at most but then I relapse to the current horrible state I am in.

Should I check myself into rehab? Tell my parents everything or some things?

Even worse: I don't consider myself any sexual orientation because that stuff is lame but I have done sexual things with girls and men, more with men. I don't know why, it's like a disease (yes, I said it). I was molested a few times by men when I was a kid but I don't know if that's the reason I do "gay" stuff but I really hate it. I know some amazing "gay" people but at the end of the day almost all of them just want to live a "gay lifestyle".

There is this girl I was dating who was willing to convert to Islam and she is amazing but I didn't do anything about it and now we are not close at all anymore. I have never kept a real full time job for not even six months and I was like that even before I started to drink alcohol and do drugs. Fail after fail. I feel stuck and just want to become a homeless person and give up on life and die. Not suicide but just die.

I had plans in life but none have happened because I was always too afraid of this and that or lazy. My hobbies are traveling, family stuff and mainly haraam things like music and acting. I'm horrible at math and my grades overall are horrible.

I am truly on the wrong path. I'm super sad and really worried about my future. Not to mention: I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL, not even for a temporary time. Sorry if I disgusted anybody.
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crimsontide06
01-20-2014, 05:25 PM
I think telling your parents your issues, going to rehab, going to counseling(doesn't matter what religion the psychiatrist is), and praying are all things you could be doing. Good luck!
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Signor
01-20-2014, 06:53 PM
Waalikum Assalaam

I found this eight point action plan very helpful and easy to implement.May Allah makes things easier for you.Aameen

I will lay out a specific plan for you to follow in order to refresh your heart and renew your faith:

1. Tawbah
Yes, you have committed sins, just like every single human being on the face of the earth, except for the Prophets and Messengers. But we Muslims have a great gift, which is that we can cleanse ourselves through Tawbah. You must stop committing the sin right away, ask Allah for forgiveness, and resolve firmly not to do it again.

2. Salat and Dua'
Start doing your prayers. If you can't manage it five times a day, do as many as you can. If you don't know how to do the salat, get a religious brother or sister to teach you. Don't worry right now about learning every aspect of Islam. Just focus on salat. Imagine that Allah is in front of you, and ask Him for forgiveness. Remember that the salat is a river in which you bathe five times every day, and it washes away your sins.
Share your burdens with Allah. Ask Him to help you and make your life easier. The Quran says, "Whoever is conscious of Allah, Allah makes for him a way out, and provides for him from a direction he does not expect." Allah can help you solve your problems and find your way to a better life.
See this page on our website: Dua' for anxiety and stress

3. Ramadan
Start getting yourself ready mentally and spiritually for Ramadan. It's never more than 11 months away, and never too early to begin preparing for it. Think of it as an opportunity to cleanse your soul and strengthen your spirit. Make a plan to spend your Ramadan as much as possible around people of strong faith who will support you.

4. Change your self-image
One young lady, who had committed some sins, wrote to me and said about herself, "I'm a wreck, a shame to society, I hate my life..." This kind of thinking is common in people who have suicidal thoughts. To change your life, indeed to save your life, you must change the way you think about yourself. When you tell yourself that you are a mess, a shame, etc, you are creating a destructive self-image that stops you from changing.
Try this: anytime you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, I want you to push the negative thoughts away and instead repeat these self-affirmations (write them down if necessary and carry them with you). I made up these affirmations based on Islamic principles. I have used them in the past for myself, and I have found them to be very effective. You can use these, or you can write similar affirmations of your own according to your needs:

  1. I am a Muslim. Islam is my faith and my cherished way of life. I choose Islam because it is beautiful and true. (You can also say the shahadah here).
  2. I am a believer in Allah (a mu'min). Allah is my guide and the One in whom I trust. (At this point you can praise Allah further and ask Him for strength and guidance).
  3. I am a good and worthwhile person. I have many good qualities, ma-sha-Allah. (At this point, name some of your good qualities).
  4. I have the power to change my life for the better, with Allah's help.
  5. I thank Allah for all the blessings in my life. (At this point, name some of the blessings in your life and thank Allah for each one).

Say these affirmations out loud at least once every day, and if you can do them twice a day (once in the morning and once at night) that's even better. Insert your name after you say "I", so for example, if you name is Fatima, you would say, "I, Fatimah, am a Muslim." Same for all the other points. Say them out loud, and mention your name.

Regarding point number three, some people might say, "But I have no good qualities." That's nonsense. Everyone has good qualities. Maybe you're a loyal friend, maybe you're kind to animals, maybe you're a good cook or a good writer. The point is to always find something good to say about yourself.

Regarding point number five, the blessings that you name in your life could be big or small: good health, food to eat, the sunshine on your face, and of course Islam itself is the biggest blessing of all.

Perhaps this sounds like some kind of charm, but it's not. It's a way of changing your self-image by programming your subconscious with the beliefs that you want to have about yourself.

5. Change your friends
This is important. If you've been living a sinful lifestyle, then you have to stop hanging around the friends that you drink with, or do drugs with, or the boyfriend/girlfriend that you committed zina (fornication) with. You must cut off all contact with them. Even if you think that you can be around them but resist what they are doing, the problem is that one thing can lead to another. It will be difficult to change your life if you are still surrounded by people who live a sinful lifestyle.

If you know any brothers and sisters who are religious and supportive, get to know them and spend your time with them as much as possible. Get involved in a Muslim youth group, or volunteer with an Islamic organization, go to the masjid, get yourself a halal hobby to occupy your time and give yourself something to focus on (martial arts or other sports, chess club, computer club, learning a new language, volunteer with a non-profit organization, etc).

6. Counseling
You need to see a counselor or therapist and talk out some of the feelings you are having. This will help you. If you are a student try your student health clinic, they always have a counselor on staff. If you are not a student you can try your public health clinic. If you can find a Muslim counselor, that would be great. A certified Muslim counselor would be ideal, but a non-Muslim would be fine also.

7. Find something that gives you joy
I touched on this earlier. You must find something that gives you joy and pleasure in life, and devote yourself to it. Get out of the house and become part of something. If you don't have a job, then do volunteer work. The writer of one of our sister websites, TeenPerspectives.com, volunteered for years at a local hospital and she found it very rewarding.

Get involved in a sport, or start a blog, take some college classes, or write poetry. There must be something good and halal in life that gives you pleasure. Find that thing and amplify it.

8. Medication if necessary
I'm hesitant to add this point, because I think people in the West rely far too often on medication as a way to address problems that are actually spiritual in nature. If your depression is something that you've experienced only recently as a result of your life choices, then the previous six points will be enough for you and you do not need any medication.
However, if your depression has been a long-term thing (months or years), and doesn't seem related to your life circumstances, then it's possible that you are clinically depressed and you may benefit from a depression medication. Your counselor or physician should be qualified to assess this and refer you to someone if necessary.

O Allah, we hope for Your mercy, so leave us not to ourselves even for as little as the blink of an eye, and set right all our affairs, there is no God but You!
- a dua of the Prophet (pbuh)

By the time!
Indeed humankind is in loss;
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.

- Quran, Surat Al-Asr

Source
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Muhaba
01-20-2014, 08:31 PM
Originally Posted by ujk3000
Assalamualaykum everybody, I'm new here. I was born a Muslim, thank God, but I constantly commit so many sins. From lying to sex, alcohol and drugs. Not to mention I dropped out of college. My job is just okay. I have made my life so complicated, so many things are messed up. If my family found out any one of these things, they would be so hurt. I could say excuses to back up why I did this or that sin but it would be very long. Sometimes I become "clean" for 2-3 months at most but then I relapse to the current horrible state I am in.

Should I check myself into rehab? Tell my parents everything or some things?

Even worse: I don't consider myself any sexual orientation because that stuff is lame but I have done sexual things with girls and men, more with men. I don't know why, it's like a disease (yes, I said it). I was molested a few times by men when I was a kid but I don't know if that's the reason I do "gay" stuff but I really hate it. I know some amazing "gay" people but at the end of the day almost all of them just want to live a "gay lifestyle".

There is this girl I was dating who was willing to convert to Islam and she is amazing but I didn't do anything about it and now we are not close at all anymore. I have never kept a real full time job for not even six months and I was like that even before I started to drink alcohol and do drugs. Fail after fail. I feel stuck and just want to become a homeless person and give up on life and die. Not suicide but just die.

I had plans in life but none have happened because I was always too afraid of this and that or lazy. My hobbies are traveling, family stuff and mainly haraam things like music and acting. I'm horrible at math and my grades overall are horrible.

I am truly on the wrong path. I'm super sad and really worried about my future. Not to mention: I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL, not even for a temporary time. Sorry if I disgusted anybody.
Do you know what the first part of any solution is? Noticing that there is a problem. And you've already done that so you're on the right track.

But there are steps you need to take to save yourself. Yes, go into rehab to solve your drug and alcohol problem.

Yes talk to your family about your problems. Don't be ashamed. But talk to those who you know want to help you. You don't have to tell everything. You should decide what you want to disclose, what you must disclose to get help.

Yes, you've made mistakes but God is ever-forgiving and He cares about you more than you yourself do! And know that when you have made the first steps to reaching a solution (your decision, posting on here, etc) it means God already wants a solution for you. Because you can't even want something unless He wants it and since you do, it means God does too! (A nice tafsir given by a scholar to the last verse of Surah Takwir meant something similar.)

So make a plan to get the help you need. And do it today. Take action and get your life back in your hands. You can.

Take small steps, getting help to get rid of the worst things (drugs and alcohol), and taking the steps to eliminate the other sins like gay relations, relations with women without marriage, music, etc.

Start praying and making lots of duas - even crying while doing so and asking Allah for Help.

In-sha-Allah as your life slowly goes back on the right track, you can work to improve other things like your job, financial condition, education, and eventually marriage to a Muslima. Once you've eliminated the wrong things, you can proceed to contacting the girl (not directly), letting her know you're interested in getting married if she converts, etc. Or someone else if it doesn't work out with her.

But first work toward removing the ills from your life, getting rehab for your addiction, etc. And let us know how you're doing and what you're doing. Make it your aim to improve something daily and post on here with a happy smile that you're making small steady improvements. :) When will we hear from you again with better news?
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Alpha Dude
01-20-2014, 10:16 PM
Assalamu Alaykum,

Brother, I'm not sure if telling your parents everything is such a good idea. Don't be too specific. Outsiders like us on the internet may be able to handle it and give appropriate advice but depending on the nature of your parents and family, you don't want their perception of you to be tarnished too badly and of course, you don't want to hurt them. Seek help in a general manner, I would say without divulging information on specific acts like homosexuality and girls (which are the more likely acts to cause hurt).
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ardianto
01-21-2014, 04:33 PM
Originally Posted by ujk3000
Should I check myself into rehab? Tell my parents everything or some things?
You are not in condition of heroin addiction which you need medical rehabilitation. Your condition is actually good enough, but you need to change your view on life, on world, on yourself.

I was too young when I swallowed my first drug. Few weeks before my 13th birthday. And then I started enter a phase of life which I thought that's cool.

My parents knew it, especially my daddy. But they wise enough to still in their patience. People around me knew too because they saw the big change on me, I became lazy to do everything. Lazy to study, even lazy to take bath. My school finally realize it too. So, after a year and a half they decided to expel me. I was dropped out from elite secondary school where only smart students who could study there.

But I didn’t care. I was not living in reality in that time. I lived in my own world which built by drugs, marijuana, and alcohol.

However, there was a moment which I never forget. I was 'fly' in a room when a man in my daddy age came and noticed me. Then he asked someone there "Whose son is he?". After he knew who was my father he looked at me face, and said "What a pity"

I still remember that in the next days. And then I remember my beautiful times with my daddy, with my mommy, with my family. Suddenly I realized, how great their love for me. But I had done? I made them felt disappointed, I hurt them. I began to feel guilty, and it's became the beginning of my turning point.

There's a time when we realize that we have made a mistake and we start thinking to change ourselves to become a better person. But we often failed. It's because we do it for ourselves while we often don't care to ourselves. So we don't have a reason. But if we do it for those we love, we will always have a reason, and we will have a great power to change ourselves.

Then Allah open the way for me. I began to realize the true face of my wrong friends, who just took benefit from me. I started to take a distance from them and getting close with my other friends. Alhamdulillah, my other friends accepted me. They still saw me as good boy.

If we think we are a bad person, then we would be always with the wrong persons because we would think that the right place for us is on the wrong path. But if we realize that we are actually a good person, but we have made a mistake, so we would have a big motivation to back to the right path.

Alhamdulillah, being close with the right friends made my life was getting better, and I felt better too. Yes, with whom we are friend is greatly affected our life. That's why we should choose our friends wisely.

I did many fun activities with my friends, such as fishing, went to the beach, eating corn on the hill. I began to realize, there are many true joys and happiness in life that we can enjoy, if we enjoy it with conscious. So, why should I run to drug that offer fake happiness?.

I felt happy with my right friends, and I realized, if I back to my bad habit again, I would lose happiness which I felt with them. I often asked myself “Can I lose this happiness?”. And I always answer with “No! I don’t want to lose this happiness”. It made me have a great power that prevent me to back to my bad habit again.

I also active in my sport hobby. Yes, active in a sport hobby is really beneficial to prevent us use our time to gather with the wrong people who do the wrong things. Through my hobby I started to have dream of achievement, and from this dream, I started to have the bigger dream of achieve many things in the future. Build a family, reach my dream career, etc. It made me a better person.

Yeah, bro, we are just human who can make mistake. But if we have motivation to be better, there's always a way for us. Don't ever give up. Always sure, you are a good person.
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ardianto
01-21-2014, 04:33 PM
Originally Posted by ujk3000
Even worse: I don't consider myself any sexual orientation because that stuff is lame but I have done sexual things with girls and men, more with men. I don't know why, it's like a disease (yes, I said it). I was molested a few times by men when I was a kid but I don't know if that's the reason I do "gay" stuff but I really hate it. I know some amazing "gay" people but at the end of the day almost all of them just want to live a "gay lifestyle".
You say you already have a job. So why don't you try to find a woman, get married and build a love?

Have a woman who you love will make you realize that you were born for a woman, not born for the men. It can make you leave your homosexual activity.

But at first you must learn about love. Not just learn about sex, especially if you learn about sex from porn that full of fantasy. Yeah, not everyone realize that fantasy which shown by porn can make people interested to try deviation in sex. Including can make a man want to have sex with another man.

And like I've said, choose your friends wisely. Stay away from people who invite you to free sex, with women or men.

Yes, sex in marriage usually is different than in porn with full of fantasy. But if you do it with love, with your wife, you will feel a very beautiful moment that will make you happy.
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Alpha Dude
01-21-2014, 07:05 PM
Good advice from brother Ardianto. The big about having the right friends is really important. Try to surround yourself with good people. If you don't know any go to the mosque as often as you can and get to know the brothers. In sha Allah their presence in your life can bring about a positive change in you.
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ardianto
01-22-2014, 12:49 AM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
If you don't know any go to the mosque as often as you can and get to know the brothers.
Talk about masjid. One joyfull time which I feel with my friends is go to masjid together, especially masjid which we never visited before.

:)
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