Need some advice regarding parents and relatives

[Priyanka]

First off...I am grateful I have so many people around me. I live in Canada...and while many have their family and relatives living in other countries...I have most of them right there. We're like 20 just in this one city. I have my own family (mom, dad, 2 siblings..AND my grandma, 5 uncles and their family. Lots of cousins!). They love me a lot and surely I have been blessed.My younger cousins look up to me. Sometimes they won't listen to their mothers but if I say the same thing (after asked to do it), they'll do it right away :D BUT...here's the issue...and it's a weird one.

OK in my mom's family...there are around 10 kids here. I am not a kid though I am the oldest one here. By kind of a long shot from most. If I include the ones living back home, I am the 7th. OF ALL OF THEM...I am the one with most...what you can call is...the burden of "love". Meaning my parents and my relatives here are CRAZY over me. It's always been like that...and most of the time my siblings, cousins and I joke about it and I pick on them and stuff..but there's a serious issue. I mean you know when there is love...there is also GREAT expectations and lots of different demands? Especially the emotional kind? It's very hard for me to deal with that and NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TALKING TO MY PARENTS (you can talk to your parents like you cant with others right?) they just dont get it. I dont mean like I have problems with calling and visiting and helping anyone. Nope. Thats an obligation but I dont look at like that...I just think its like any other things I have to do (eat sleep study work etc). What I have problems with is...I am married, been so for the last almost 6 yrs...clearly I was old and mature enough to get married when i did. I am the oldest one among all the children..almost done with my 20s. I live in my own place with my husband, we take care of our own things and Alhamdulillah I would like to think I am an ADULT. Not 5 years old. Problem is...they dont get it. NONE OF THEM. They STILL TREAT ME LIKE I AM 5.

I HAVE to be at every family gathering. Even if I tell them (especially my parents) that I am not feeling well/I got other plans/I JUST dont feel like going on that particular circumstances (because I am a human being. On top of that..I have my own personal life too right? Maybe I dont wanna hang out with everyone today. I just wanna be at home and sit with my husband when he comes home and just chill. And I dont think I should spell it out. Its my business. Is this a crime? Is every weekend gathering a MUST?!). I have to always do certain things. If i dont pick up my dad's call on the first ring, he will leave 20 messages on my voice mail. You know I could be in class, I could be out, I could be having a meal with my husband, i could be at the grocery..I could even be sleeping. WHO CARES? I WILL call back. I call my parents almost everyday..often multiple times...even if for 2 sec. to ask how's everything. I live very close by..on a good day, we just walk over there. And Alhamdulillah..my husband is a good man. He is not like those guys who dont like their women to have personal independence. If you're Muslim and you're South Asian..you know what I mean. He is not like that. We gave each other lots of space and personal freedom. Like theres no barricade preventing each other from interracting with family. So its not like I never see them or vice versa. But maaaannnnn....they are SO emotionally possessive. I also feel extremely bad about their madness regarding me. There are 9 other kids who you can care so much for you know. I mean they can come and go as they please. It doesnt matter if they dont show up. It doesnt matter if they arent calling anyone. It doesnt matter WHAT they are doing. They are still living at home...they are all underage. 3/4 have just began university...rest are little kids! The ones who are in university is like 6-10 yrs younger than I and have triple the freedom. Go crazy over them you know? Why me?! I am an adult...I am married. I have my own life. I just get this message through.

Last night I was supposed to meet them. Then got hit with a migraine. If anyone has that you know the torture. I was also sleep deprived. So I called my mom and said I cant go..not feeling well. Hell broke lose. I expained calmly then hung up. I was feeling so bad..I kinda passed out. Long story short...there was 20 frantic messages on both mine and my husbands cell..AFTER HE SPENT LIKE HOURS EXPLAINING WHY WE WONT BE THERE. He came from work..saw me in bed so I told him please call them and inform I am not well. They just wouldnt take it. Kept calling and kept calling. Then 30 minutes later they came to my door and started banging on it. Woke me us from sleep and I was sooo disappointed, dumbfounded and just mad at their childishnes I told him pleaseeee dont. If you open that door, I will kill you. He is like what is this what am I gonna do? I was like...I dont know. dont make any sound? Pretend like burgler in our own home? I DONT KNOW :raging: :exhausted

Can you believe? THIS after explaining why we are not going. I mean WHAT?! They ALWAYS DO THIS. Its like we arent humans...we cant have our personal things. We ALWAYS have to be over. I always have to be there wherever they demand me to be. U call my parents...they are too busy to talk. So maybe I dont call the next day..thinking they will when they are free. OH MY GOODNESS....they start guilt tripping me. Accusations of how i NEVER CALL. Are you kidding me?! My siblings dont have this put on them. They are adults too..they are in university. They are good kids but they can do as they please. I never got to. Even now. Then I got cousins I mean I dont see their parents going crazy over them. i dont see my aunts and uncles going crazy if one of their sons and daughters dont show up anywhere. WHY this emotional burden on me? This social restrictions on me? My husband is a very good guy..most guys would be like what is this? We are going to another city man. They do this crazy busines with him too. If I go there alone and he probably is just doing his solo things..they will ask me 200 times to make him come over. Keep asking where is he??? Where is he??? WHY is he not coming? How will it sound if i say you know what mom/aunt/uncle ..he just felt like seeing a friend so I ased him to go there. I have committed a sin so just kill me now!

Their over possesiveness ruins our moments too...we are humans after all. We are adults why do we have to explain ourselves so much? Most importantly...when no one else in the family has to...even the underage ones? I am trying to be patient and respectful with everyone because I do love and respect everyone but honestly i feel like screaming at everyone to leave me alone and take their over possessive love somewhere else. There are 20 other children..take it to them. But...I dont want to. Theres an order of Allah regarding kinship. And even without that..I wanna be in a respectful relationship with everyone with BOUNDERIES. Unfortunately I dont see how I can do it without angering Allah.

Sorry for venting. I am just sick of this. No one listens. You know South Asians..older people are always right and they always have the right over everything. But then why not do it with others? WHO asked you smother me with all these love and care business? Its affecting our moods and marriage. I think biggest problem people have in their marriage (if everythingvelse is fine) is money and crazy family.

[ardianto]

There were people who committed suicide because they felt no one love them.

But you have many people who love you. So, why are you complaining?

:)

[Priyanka]

I started the post by saying I am grateful for having family :) But most of the members of my family dont understand that I am not 2 years old. That's the problem. If I tell them I am sick...it does NOT matter. If I already some personal plans...does NOT matter. I HAVE to be there or do things. Instead of understanding and giving me my space and time..they guilt trip me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. They don't take things seriously. I understand them that they want me around but there are times I JUST cant or there are times I just wanna do my own thing because I am a human being. I think as an adult..we are all entitled to that. They dont do that with their own kids otr each others or my siblings. Only me. That is the problem

[Sunnie Ameena]

Re: Need some advice regarding parents and relatives

Sister, I am sorry this is making you sad. I wish I had some advice for you. I don't think that I could stay calm. I would probably say
something and it would hurt someone's feelings. Hopefully you can find some good answers that will help you.

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[Karl]

Re: Need some advice regarding parents and relatives

You can choose your friends but can't choose your relatives. My advice is to leave the area and go so far away that you can only see your kin a few times a year and stay with them a few days. You cannot change your relatives, they will always think you have the problem. Or if that can't be done you could get your husband to give them the hard word. He could say "my wife is not spending enough time with me, as is her duty!" They should respect a firm man and back off.