My Sister Has Gone Too Far

[Mango]

I have two sisters, one is 15 and the other is 6. I am now writing this because I feel that my older sister has gone beyond the limits. Of course we wouldn't always get along when we were younger, but nowadays she's locked up in her room, isolated from the rest of the family. I'll explain how this problem began.
My sister loves anime and manga. For those who don't know, manga is a term for Japanese comics, and anime is a term for Japanese TV animations, kinda like cartoons. Now I'm not trying to imply that this is bad, I myself enjoy watching anime and reading manga. But when you start to get obsessed, that's when the problem begins. My sister practically knows every anime/manga out there, and every genre. If she makes an account on any social media like Facebook or Youtube, she'll put up an anime character as her profile picture, wallpaper, etc. She has all kinds of Japanese music and games downloaded on her phone, and she stays in her room with headphones plugged in 24/7, either watching anime or listening to music. She disrespects me, my little sister, and my parents all the time. She would get in fights with my mom on a daily basis.

Of course you might be thinking "That's terrible, she really needs help", but it doesn't end here. It gets even worse.

She will read anything that is sex-related, something a Muslim would never dare to do. And most of the songs on her phone talk about love and sex. She's even read Fifty Shades of Grey when she was 14. That's right, the book series about a girl in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. Not to mention, she knows barely anything about Islam. She only goes to Qur'an classes every Saturday because she has to. She goes to the Masjid to pray because she has to. She wears hijab because she has to. She even wears an angry expression on her face all day and everyday, as if it's all our fault that she's going through this. She listens to whatever they tell her at school. One day she came home and said that being gay is okay because "people are born like that, it's natural". My mom told her that it's haram but she didn't believe my mom because "teacher said it was okay". She will ignore any advice we give her, but when it comes to school, everything they say is right. Even in Ramadan, she listens to music and reads inappropriate books all day long. Honestly, this woman has no shame! Not once has she regretted what she's done.

I'm going to say this truthfully: I'm ashamed of being her brother. I wish she never existed. I wish we could abandon her and let her do what she wants, but I fear that I will be held responsible during the Day of Judgement for not helping her turn back to Allah. My parents don't know about what she does, but I don't want to tell them because I got in trouble so many times in the past for not minding my own business, and I fear it will happen again. Please help, I don't know what to do about this anymore. I feel that she's gone too far, beyond repair. Is there a chance that she will repent and become a good Muslim once again?

[strivingobserver98]

:sl: I will keep your sister and your whole family in my duas :ia:, of course there is a chance she can become a good muslim again, Allah's door of repentance is always open. I would advise for you to get strong in your knowledge of the deen. Tell her about qiyamah, hellfire and the harmful effects of sins. Importantly this is something for you to talk about with your family.

[Mango]

:jz: :)

I will try to talk to my parents about it. :ia: this will work out.

[Mango]

:sl:
I showed my parents what she's been doing all along and they had a talk with her. She said that she'd be happy if she could kill them both, :astagfiru. They took away her phone and this morning she started scratching her arms with a pencil and she even attempted to shave her head just because she can't use her phone anymore. And whenever my parents try to talk to her, she sits there and glares at them like she's going to strangle them. Of course my parents gave up and gave her back her phone, and now she's playing her inappropriate games and listening to inappropriate music. :hmm:

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[Yenzin]

Sounds like shes wrong in the head, visit a doctor.

[Mango]

Yah we're considering that.

[hisnameiszzz]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. It's a wonderful thing you are trying to do, but please remember she has parents and she is their responsibility first and foremost. Why are they not worrying about her? Surely, they should be keeping checks on their children especially if they are reading adult material. How does she manage to sneak Fifty Shade books into her room? Do they not look through her school bag now and then? Is there a reason why they did not try and stop her anime fascination when it first started? Do remember she is only a child, so who knows what the future will hold. She might just be going through a phase and grow out of it. I would not take her to a doctor. If she says she is unhappy and she makes this evident, there is always the chance of her being taken by Social Services (if you are in the UK). I work with children and they have certain rights too. The number of 18 year olds that "divorce" their family due to disagreements and are then taken into care/adoption is very high indeed. Your sister could always say "I am so unhappy, I have started cutting my arms and my parents are too overprotective and won't let me live my life how I want to", in which case, she might be taken away from the family.

[hisnameiszzz]

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. It's a wonderful thing you are trying to do, but please remember she has parents and she is their responsibility first and foremost. Why are they not worrying about her? Surely, they should be keeping checks on their children especially if they are reading adult material. How does she manage to sneak Fifty Shade books into her room? Do they not look through her school bag now and then? Is there a reason why they did not try and stop her anime fascination when it first started? Do remember she is only a child, so who knows what the future will hold. She might just be going through a phase and grow out of it. I would not take her to a doctor. If she says she is unhappy and she makes this evident, there is always the chance of her being taken by Social Services (if you are in the UK). I work with children and they have certain rights too. The number of 18 year olds that "divorce" their family due to disagreements and are then taken into care/adoption is very high indeed. Your sister could always say "I am so unhappy, I have started cutting my arms and my parents are too overprotective and won't let me live my life how I want to", in which case, she might be taken away from the family.

[duraldo]

InshAllah this will work itself out in the end. I was far worse during my teen and young adult years, before turning to Islam. Everyone does stupid things in their youth like that. I can tell you the things that my Christian parents tried that only brought me further away from God/Allah. Whatever you do, do not try to force her to a counsellor or doctor. This was the one thing that made it 100% worse. You send the message to her that you don't wanna deal with her, and you rather pay someone else to do it, who doesn't have their best interest at heart. My parents went through all must stuff, it didn't stop me from doing wrong, even when they found things and confronted me about them. I just got REALLY good at hiding things (you'd be surprised what you can fit inside the back of televisions well the old tube kinds!). It's tricky and you must be careful not to push her away, which it seems like this is happening. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution for this. I read a lot of sexual stuff at that age (and viewed it), but I was too shy to ever do anything about the urges and feelings I have.

Most people don't read/watch anime past age 16 or so (I stopped caring at 14). The reason she's getting into anime is she is finding a social clique that accepts her (I think). That was the case with me. Anime is the common ground here is all. If she becomes 18 and still watches anime like that, well she probably has more issues to contend with then that. :) InshAllah this will all pass, just be careful. And don't call the cops (my parents did when I refused to go to church) over something like this, involving the state always makes things worse, they only care about arresting as many people as possible.

[Mango]

The reason my parents are not worrying that much is because they're lazy. They want everything the easy way whether its harmful to my sister or not. My parents always tell her that if she goes overboard again they will take away her phone, but they just recently did that yesterday. Even so, they gave it back to her a few hours after just because she said that if she doesn't get it back she'll shave her head. My mom told her that she can have 30 minutes every 5 hours but she has her phone in her hands all day and when I tell my parents they say "Just let her".
I tried hiding her headphones so she wouldn't listen to music, but she was able to find them after hours of searching. My little sister told her that music isn't allowed in Ramadan but she said "It's better not to listen to music, but it's still OK". Again, my parents know about this, they just won't do anything about it.
If I were a parent and I found out my daughter did these things, I would break her phone and headphones.

[BORN2MOVE]

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu!!!

Akhi words of advice no offence please say "Astagfirullah" for mentioning 'I'm ashamed of being her brother. I wish she never existed. I wish we could abandon her and let her do what she wants.'
This is negative thinking so be careful. Insha'Allah have Sabr with people. O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient. (Qur'an Surah 2 Al-Baqarah Ayah 153) For indeed, with hardship (will be) ease. (Qur'an Surah 94 Ash-Sharh Ayah 5)

There's limits to how much we all can do rest is Qadr. Masha'Allah though you're a Muslim that's in conscience of right and wrong. You're not alone my brother in Islam am worried about her too. This is really a serious issue and what the majority of youth going through. It's the effect when someone indulges in haraam then makes a bad habit out of it becomes normal to them. Auzubillah minashaitan nirajeem bismillahir rahmanir raheem!!! I used to watch old school Manga's The Guyver series, The Fist Of The North Stars movies and series, The Legend Of The Four Kings series etc. They all got Shirk advertised in them. The shayateen brings confusion amongst the ones that haven't got any Eemaan.
And whosoever turns away (blinds himself) from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allah) (i.e. this Quran and worship of Allah), We appoint for him Shaitan to be a Qarin (an intimate companion) to him. (Qur'an Surah 43 Ayah 36)
Narrated Abu Hurairah (ra): The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: A man follows the religion of his friend; so each one should consider whom he makes his friend. (Sunan Abi Dawud 4833 Book 42, Hadith 4815)
Meaning in other words we are who us friends are. Investigate who she hangs around with Insha'Allah. Better if she doesn't go a government education school because there's free mixing environment i.e. Don't just take my words for it the Ulama agree it's haram for both genders to attend there. Every deep thinker knows the severity of the evils spread in this age through various means such as radios, newspapers, televisions, publications and some manuscripts which have been designed to cast people to Hellfire.
Those dangerous momentous media are directed and spread by those enemies of Islam addressing the Muslims and non Muslims for several objectives. They are destroying and depriving the people to the Hellfire, so that the victims would share the same wicked characters and dishonoured life with them and stay in the hellfire with them.

Surely, Shaitan (Satan) is an enemy to you, so take (treat) him as an enemy. He only invites his Hizb (followers) that they may become the dwellers of the blazing Fire. (Qur'an Surah 35 Fatir Ayah 6)
Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire? Then would you be responsible for him? (Qur'an Surah 45 Al-Jathiyah Ayah 23)

Best for get married Insha'Allah some time next year she'll improve her nasty behaviour. Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d (ra): The Messenger of Allah (saw) said, "Whoever can guarantee (the chastity of) what is between his two jaw-bones and what is between his two legs (i.e. his tongue and his private parts), I guarantee Paradise for him."

I live in West London I highly recommend aswell that you get her to do Ruqyah there's possibilities she might have a jinn. There's so much to say it'll be good if we spoke on the phone or met in person. Am 28 I live in West London so if that's possible let me know. If not tell her Muslim teachers what's going on at home to give her counselling. Your parents failed in some sense. Some Scholars say that children are disobedient to their parents usually because the parents forget/forgot to say the above dua before having sex.

Let there arise out of you a group of people inviting to all that is good (Islam), enjoining Al-Ma'ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do) and forbidding Al-Munkar (polytheism and disbelief and all that Islam has forbidden). And it is they who are the successful. (Qur'an Surah 3 Imran Ayah 104)

The believers, men and women, are Auliya' (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another, they enjoin (on the people) Al-Ma'ruf (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do), and forbid (people) from Al-Munkar (i.e. polytheism and disbelief of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); they perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat) and give the Zakat, and obey Allah and His Messenger. Allah will have His Mercy on them. Surely Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise. (Qur'an Surah 9 At-Tawba Ayah 71)

[Mango]

Wa alaikum asalam,
Very long and thorough reply, thank you for taking your time to answer :) About her friends, most of them are immature and sometimes use her to get what they want. Happens every year no mater how many times she makes new friends. My parents tell her to leave them and find good friends that actually care for her but she doesn't listen.

I don't think she has a jinn because she's isn't always like that. Sometimes she's okay but most of the time she has an attitude. Also, this is the month of Ramadan when all the shayateen are chained, however she still keeps up with her attitude. I think this is just some bad influence from her friends.

[ardianto]

:sl:

Puberty age is phase when someone leave childhood and in process to become adult. But unfortunately parents and people around the teens often do not realize it. They often treat the teens as children while the teens themselves want to be treated as adult who can determine their own life. It often causes conflict between the teens and their parents.

So, what happened with Mango's sister is not an illness, or problem that caused by jinn. Just something that actually happen normally to teen people, but unfortunately her family do not realize it.

If she loves manga and Japanese music, it's because she feel these stuff are fit with her teen spirit. She just wants to be a teen girl. In this matter her parents should not angry to her, but it's better show her that she can have beautiful teen life without manga and music. In example, her parents show her stories about creative teen girls who create and sell accessories or other stuff, or about teen girls who active in social care, or have good achievement in sport.

If she read "Fifty Shades of Grey", it's because she wanted to know about sex and 'adult life'. This is normal happen among teens. Rather than scold her, it's better her parents educate her with sex education. Tell her about halal and right sex, like sex allowed only in marriage, effect of sex before/outside marriage, importance of maintain honor and dignity as woman, etc.

If she often spends her time alone, it's because she wants to have privacy as teen girl. Do not regard her isolate herself. Let her have privacy, but still invite her to family activities like dine together, or family recreation.

If she always fights her parents, it's because she feel her parents don't understand her. She just wants to be understood by her parents and people among her that now she is not a child anymore.

Remember, she's just a teen girl who in phase of searching an identity, not a criminal that should be punished. Rather than scold her, it's better if her parents teach her about right and wrong, good and bad. Let her learn what would happen if someone choose the wrong way, what would she get if she choose and always on the right way.

Understand her. This is the key to guide her to become a good teen girl.

:)

[ardianto]

I've ever be a teenager, and now I'm the father of a teenager.

[BORN2MOVE]

Am sorry for lengthening my message Insha'Allah it always benefits you and others. Alhamdulillah us life time comes from Al-Khaliq. Allah (Azza Wajjal) is the giver of our life time. Ibadahs are never a waste of time us implementing ayats from Qur'an and Sunnah. By time, Indeed, mankind is in loss, Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience. (Qur'an Surah 103 Al-Asr Ayah 1-3) And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind. (Qur'an Surah 20 Taha Ayah 124) If she keeps on this miserable lifestyle escalating more problems. She would get involved in drugs, zina or even leaving completely out the fold of Islam. Auzubillah!!! I know in this day and age similar issues regards to youths. Most of them have jinns because listening satanic music etc. At least please think about getting her doing Ruqyah Insha'Allah. Alhamdulillah the Qur'an is best medicine for our heart. Even though shayateen are chained up doesn't mean they're not here in presence. You get me? Speak to her as much you can Insha'Allah in the way she could relate and understand. Invite to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good instruction, and argue with them in a way that is best. Indeed, your Lord is most knowing of who has strayed from His way, and He is most knowing of who is rightly guided. (Qur'an Surah 16 An-Nahl Ayah 125) And never let them avert you from the verses of Allah after they have been revealed to you. And invite [people] to your Lord. And never be of those who associate others with Allah. (Qur'an Surah 28 Al-Qasas Ayah 87)

[ardianto]

I was a drug user in early of my teen age. It destroyed my life and I drop-out from junior high school. But I didn't care because I had turned into anti-social person. My mother often angry to me, some of my teachers too. But, did I listen to them?. No!. Because I felt they judge me without tried to understand me.

Different than my father and some older people around me. Instead of scolded me, they just gave me advice tenderly. They told me what would happen if I still use drug, what would happen if I still be friend with wrong people. And the most important was, they always remind me that I actually a good boy. It made me realize the mistake that I had done, and made me felt guilty because I had disappoint those who love me.

I was in confusion in that phase when I was searching an identity as teenager. I just wanted to have teen life, but unfortunately I got wrong image of teen life which teen people would be cool if use drugs. This is why I fell into drugs.

My personality was changed in that time. Some people around me angry and judge me as a person who indeed, had bad personality. This is what made me far from them and never listened to them, because I felt I was not accepted anymore in society.

But luckily, there were other people who understood that I was just a confused boy who could not differentiate right and wrong, good and bad. They tried to remind me that I still a good boy, but need to learn more about good life and bad life. They tried to show me that the cool teens are not those who use drug, but those who can make good achievement without drugs. Then, Alhamdulillah, step by step I could leave drugs and turned into good boy again.

So, do not judge her as bad girl because she will feel expelled from the family, and she will be more far from family. But try to understand that she is actually a good girl, but has wrong behavior because she still hasn't able to differentiate between good and bad. Do not scold her, but give her advice tenderly.

:)