Assalaamualaykum, I know these sort of questions get answered a lot on islamic forums but I couldn't seem to find any answers from previous posts that fit my situation.
Basically I am a 21 year old female who wants to get married. My friends brother in law is looking to get married and he is 24 and she mentioned it to me so I told my mum. The response I got from her was expected I guess, but she said some really strange things, that to be honest, I didn't expect and I was really shocked.
I would like to add that I am not in contact with this boy and never have been. I told my mum I am interested in this guy and she asked why - so I replied with the obvious, that I want to get married, and that he is a muslim and prays 5 times a day and reads Qur'an ma sha Allah, he is from the same cast, and also from the same place in Pakistan.
Of course she found it weird that I was interested in some random guy, because to be honest that's what he is. However, I am serious about getting married and what I want in life is not the same as what my parents and family want for me. They want me to get a job and work, and don't even think about marriage for me.
I, on the other hand, wish to be a housewife and a good wife and a mother, in sha Allah, and would prefer to spend my time looking after my husband and children in the future in sha Allah. I know people believe that we should work and earn lots of money and buy a big new house and the rest of it... and then get married, but let's face it, it's really hard and usually takes a long time to achieve these things. Whoever wants to do things this way then that's cool, but not everyone is the same, and I believe there is nothing wrong with me not wanting to work and that a woman's priority is to look after children, and work comes after that if you really want to work. I don't think it's a good idea for women to do two jobs at once (housewife and going out to work).
Anyway, back to my mother's response. She started saying that it's not a girls responsibility to look for someone herself and that it's disrespectful towards the parents. I understand where she's coming from in terms of culture, but correct me if I'm wrong, in ISLAM there's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and asking your parents to consider someone who wants to marry you? She refused to mention it to my father because she said he will start thinking all sorts of things about me and will think it's strange that I am so "keen". I explained to her that Islam says that we should not delay three things - salah, burial, and marriage (correct me if I'm wrong). Also, I explained to her that I am not in a "relationship" with this boy like so many other people do and like my brother and sister did. My sister got married to someone out of cast (eventually), and my brother will in sha Allah be getting married to someone out of cast as well - this girl he knew from college. So I said to my mum that my sister is happily married and that the family is ok with her out of cast marriage, so why can't she consider this guy for me? And she replied by saying that he probably wants to marry me for papers, because he is on a student visa here in the UK from Pakistan. My friend told me that her in-laws are really religious and they don't want their daughter-in-laws to work, and the guy doesn't either. So I think marriage just for passport isn't really an issue. I don't think it is fair for anyone to just assume things like that about people. My mum had an arranged marriage (not that I am against arranged marriages), and my father has NEVER worked... all her life my mum has gone out to work, earned money, and given birth to four children ma sha Allah. On top of that she has come home and cooked and cleaned. Throughout my childhood, my father used to leave me home alone and sometimes used to beat us for small things that children do all the time, for example if we spilt something by accident. I know he is my father and I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but it really annoys me that he gets all strict and picky on these topics when he obviously doesn't know how to behave as a husband himself. He is lucky that my mum has ma sha Allah so much patience with him - it sometimes gets really annoying. May Allah give us all patience. We (me, my brothers and sister) never saw our mum and therefore missed out on quality time and were left to do things ourselves at such a young age. I know there's people all around the world with no parents at all, and children living in poverty who are left to look after their siblings, and I'm not saying I'm not grateful to Allah for what he has given me, but I believe that if you have something that Allah has given you, then you should make use of it the best that you can, in a halal way of course. This is one of the reasons, from my personal experience why I don't want to go out to work and would rather be a stay at home mum.
My friend suggested this to me in September 2013, and I told my mum about it in March 2014, so I've thought about it a lot. I also told my mum that it is highly unlikely that I will get a proposal from someone in the family or non-relatives, and that I don't want to get married in the family, EVER. The reason for me not getting any proposals is because my sister had 14 proposals - both relatives and non-relatives, and my parents rejected them all on the grounds that she was either too young, or she was studying. Then when my sister wanted to get married (to her now husband), my dad started saying we had some really nice proposals for you they were such good people. If they were really good people then why didn't they accept any of them (personally I think he was just saying it to discourage my sister from getting married to someone out of cast). I have spoken to an aunty about this issue and she agreed, saying that proposals came for my sister from the age of 16, and I am now 21 and haven't had one proposal. I'm not saying I'll never get a proposal, but that is highly unlikely, but of course Allah can make anything happen and Allah knows best. Mum also said that you never know anyone's intentions - I agreed with her, but explained to her that whether I get married to someone that my parents know, or whether I get married to this guy, then whoever I get married to will always be a stranger to me. The only difference is that if I get married to someone who my parents know, they might have a little more satisfaction that I am 'in safe hands' because they know the parents of the boy.
The main point is that I want to get married as soon as I finish my studies, and was hoping that my family would consider this boy in the meantime, so that if things do look positive in sha Allah, we can get married after I have completed my studies. I would be very grateful if anyone could give me some advice on what to do, as I am really confused and upset that my parents will not even consider this, as I am not doing anything wrong by wanting to get married. Unfortunately, parents get all strict on the marriage topic and refuse for stupid reasons as we hear all the time, and start talking about "respect" and "parda". Yet my parents don't think about "parda" when they want to send me outside to work where I may have to mingle with males (and they told me not to wear the niqab because "white people don't like it"!). I don't really know much about women working and whether it is a sin for them to converse with males as part of their job in a professional manner, but if I was to do that I'd rather wear a niqab and do it, whereas the UK doesn't allow that.
Anyway, I hope some of you can give me some thoughts and advice on my situation and I will be really grateful.
Jazak Allah