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Kung Fu
07-16-2014, 03:34 PM
assalamualaikum, brothers and sisters.

I just wanted some advice and I guess some support in some way because there are days where my father and I get into very aggressive arguments and I don't know what to do.

Anyways my father and I have never gotten along ever since I can remember. As a kid growing up he always put me down, calling me useless, and other such things when I didn't understand things. For example as a kid and adolescent he would make me read his mail, credit card statements, and government documents and most of the time, I couldn't understand what these letters were saying, after all I was only a kid. In not understanding or fully understanding such things he would call me useless and murmur to himself on why he had kids. I'm the eldest in the family and we moved here to Canada from Afghanistan and so I always had to bear the brunt of all of it even when my other brother was only one year younger than me. So he would yell at me, put me down, and etc. but I stayed quiet because, I was a kid and was afraid of him but also felt like I really was useless. It was my mother that did everything for us. She raised me, took me to my appointments, helped me with my homework, made me food, my school lunches, taught how to pray, read the Quran, how to ride a bike, and basically everything else all the while my dad would come home sleep, eat, and then sleep again.

Fast forward to me becoming an adult, I'm 25 now, I have learned many other things that further make me disappointed in my father. Through out the years, I have learned that he has cheated on my mother, sent large chunks of money to his brothers and sisters, and a myriad of other things. He sent so much money back home that his sisters were able to build huge houses and his brothers could stay at home and not work while being married. He did all this while we lived in some small dirty cramped little apartment. Now that he can't work as much and that I know everything, he has stopped sending ridiculous amounts of money back home but makes no difference now since he doesn't make as much, wants me to buy the whole family a house. I'm in debt from university, in a low paying job that can only support myself, and getting married. So I have my own financial burdens to bear.

Now that I know pretty much everything whenever he says something that makes him look like a hypocrite, which is 99 percent of the time, I let him know how bad of a father he was and still is and it infuriates him because he knows it's the truth.

Anyways, I don't want to argue with him anymore because, it's getting to the point where, I might do something I regret because of how much pent up anger I have because of him. My whole life, I was an angry kid and have realized that it's all because of him. Anyways what do, I do brothers and sisters?

Thank you in advance.
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BilalKid
07-16-2014, 08:11 PM
ahh yeah kind of same with my father do they let you pray because mine hate ibadah imsad
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Kung Fu
07-16-2014, 08:54 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by BilalKid
ahh yeah kind of same with my father do they let you pray because mine hate ibadah imsad
My parents are Muslim. My mother is a real Muslim and does everything by the book where as my father is only a Muslim by name seeing as he's probably one of the biggest hypocrites around.

My father only started praying during the last several years or so because he seen how his kids do not like him and that things weren't looking too good for him. He used to talk to us about Islam and the beauty of it but never prayed and still to this day still doesn't read the Quran. Fathers are supposed to lead by example but he's been the exact opposite of a leader. I'm the father in the house and he's more like the little kid, which saddens me to no ends.
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Alpha Dude
07-16-2014, 09:07 PM
Wa alaykum salam bro, I understand the pain and frustration you are going through.

He's old now. With age comes frailty and weakness. You may have anger toward him but seeing him grow weaker I hope in sha Allah will soften your heart (despite all the awful things he has done).

I think you should try your best to guide him to see the error of his ways and make him feel repentant himself. It can be easy to tell him off for all the bad things he has done and you might find it gives you a sense of control and power over him to keep reminding him but there isn't much good to be gained from it except bad feelings and resentment.

We only have a short lifetime and what matters most is our final outcome with Allah. He will one day pass away and out of the blood relation that you've had with him, if not for anything else, you should try see to it that he seeks the forgiveness of Allah and the people around him. Try to be calm and patient and guide him as best you can. Minimise any chance of conflict by ignoring anything he says that's likely to escalate into argumentation - remaining silent is a good response.

What you really want is him to be repentant in such a way that he himself approaches you after having realised the errors of his way and seeks your forgiveness. At the end of the day, guidance is in the hands of Allah so make plenty of heartfelt dua for his guidance and for peace and a sense of calmness to descend in your family.

May Allah make things easy for you all, guide you and sort out all your problems. Aameen.

Whatever you do, don't buy a house on mortgage as it's haraam.
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Scimitar
07-16-2014, 09:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Kung Fu
assalamualaikum, brothers and sisters.

I just wanted some advice and I guess some support in some way because there are days where my father and I get into very aggressive arguments and I don't know what to do.

Anyways my father and I have never gotten along ever since I can remember. As a kid growing up he always put me down, calling me useless, and other such things when I didn't understand things. For example as a kid and adolescent he would make me read his mail, credit card statements, and government documents and most of the time, I couldn't understand what these letters were saying, after all I was only a kid. In not understanding or fully understanding such things he would call me useless and murmur to himself on why he had kids. I'm the eldest in the family and we moved here to Canada from Afghanistan and so I always had to bear the brunt of all of it even when my other brother was only one year younger than me. So he would yell at me, put me down, and etc. but I stayed quiet because, I was a kid and was afraid of him but also felt like I really was useless. It was my mother that did everything for us. She raised me, took me to my appointments, helped me with my homework, made me food, my school lunches, taught how to pray, read the Quran, how to ride a bike, and basically everything else all the while my dad would come home sleep, eat, and then sleep again.

Fast forward to me becoming an adult, I'm 25 now, I have learned many other things that further make me disappointed in my father. Through out the years, I have learned that he has cheated on my mother, sent large chunks of money to his brothers and sisters, and a myriad of other things. He sent so much money back home that his sisters were able to build huge houses and his brothers could stay at home and not work while being married. He did all this while we lived in some small dirty cramped little apartment. Now that he can't work as much and that I know everything, he has stopped sending ridiculous amounts of money back home but makes no difference now since he doesn't make as much, wants me to buy the whole family a house. I'm in debt from university, in a low paying job that can only support myself, and getting married. So I have my own financial burdens to bear.

Now that I know pretty much everything whenever he says something that makes him look like a hypocrite, which is 99 percent of the time, I let him know how bad of a father he was and still is and it infuriates him because he knows it's the truth.

Anyways, I don't want to argue with him anymore because, it's getting to the point where, I might do something I regret because of how much pent up anger I have because of him. My whole life, I was an angry kid and have realized that it's all because of him. Anyways what do, I do brothers and sisters?

Thank you in advance.
i'm in exactly the same boat... uncanny since last night was argument central in my house - during ifar of all times.

I'm now 38 and almost 39... some things never change

Bro... all I do is say my salaam and leave it at that. Most days when I come home and give my salaam, I get a look of contempt back at me - now I just feel sorry for him, he's miserable type and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

For some reason, every iftar there are arguments in my household over stupid little insignificant things... it makes me sad, and annoys me because I'm trying to make dua before the appointed time to break fast.

Today, I got take away and bought it home and ate it in my room - not ideal but I couldn't take it anymore.

If you wanna talk - get yourself up to 50 posts on the forum and your PM's will be activated, and we can in sha Allah talk.

You couldn't have come here with this post at a better time - and I mean that as much for myself as for you.

Scimi
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 12:52 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
Wa alaykum salam bro, I understand the pain and frustration you are going through.

He's old now. With age comes frailty and weakness. You may have anger toward him but seeing him grow weaker I hope in sha Allah will soften your heart (despite all the awful things he has done).
To tell you the truth brother, it makes me feel even more angry because you would think that with the older age he would become wiser but nothing has changed still. He's still that miserable old man that thinks he's always right even when he's blatantly and clearly wrong.

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
I think you should try your best to guide him to see the error of his ways and make him feel repentant himself. It can be easy to tell him off for all the bad things he has done and you might find it gives you a sense of control and power over him to keep reminding him but there isn't much good to be gained from it except bad feelings and resentment.
I really am trying. I tell him the Quran says this about this and whatnot but he just refuses to listen. I try not to but you can only be patient for so long when he's constantly berating you and whispering nonsense under his breath. I generally just walk away when he starts his little shows as to not to get into an argument but during this month, it's a little difficult because for iftar we're all together. He has the audacity to start arguments when everyone is about to break his fast.

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
What you really want is him to be repentant in such a way that he himself approaches you after having realised the errors of his way and seeks your forgiveness. At the end of the day, guidance is in the hands of Allah so make plenty of heartfelt dua for his guidance and for peace and a sense of calmness to descend in your family.

May Allah make things easy for you all, guide you and sort out all your problems. Aameen.

Whatever you do, don't buy a house on mortgage as it's haraam.
I want nothing from him and never have. What's the point of him trying to become a good father not when half his kids are adults and despise him? Isn't really going to do him in any good. I pray for him to find peace of mind and that's all, nothing more nothing less.

Anyways thanks for your reply my brother, I hope everything is fine with you and may Allah guide us all on the righteous and noble path.
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 12:59 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar
i'm in exactly the same boat... uncanny since last night was argument central in my house - during ifar of all times.

I'm now 38 and almost 39... some things never change

Bro... all I do is say my salaam and leave it at that. Most days when I come home and give my salaam, I get a look of contempt back at me - now I just feel sorry for him, he's miserable type and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

For some reason, every iftar there are arguments in my household over stupid little insignificant things... it makes me sad, and annoys me because I'm trying to make dua before the appointed time to break fast.

Today, I got take away and bought it home and ate it in my room - not ideal but I couldn't take it anymore.

If you wanna talk - get yourself up to 50 posts on the forum and your PM's will be activated, and we can in sha Allah talk.

You couldn't have come here with this post at a better time - and I mean that as much for myself as for you.

Scimi
We're the exact same way. Everything in my life is good except for this one issue. When, I'm not around him or when I'm not talking to him, I'm so happy and at peace of mind that words can't begin to explain it.

He just likes picking fights and arguments for no reason. Even when I destroy his little shows with logic he still goes on and on.

Anyways, I will pray for the both of us and our fathers to find peace of mind.
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hisnameiszzz
07-17-2014, 01:09 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar
For some reason, every iftar there are arguments in my household over stupid little insignificant things... it makes me sad, and annoys me because I'm trying to make dua before the appointed time to break fast.

Scimi
Salaams Uncle Scimi gee.

Sorry to the OP for sidelining your topic, but I think arguments at Iftari over stupid things is normal. I have 2 brothers who go at it every day at Iftari time and they do it regularly every year. Some things never change.

As for the OP, I had father/son issues as well. He was a very strange man. Followed Islam by the book to an extent, but his family (his Mom/Dad/brothers/sisters) always took priority over my Mom and us. They were all well to do and were all in good working condition, i.e. none of them were disabled or anything. He sent so much money to them that they live in, what I call a mansion, yet we were living in a house which was falling to pieces and I remember only having 2 sets of clothes when I was 10, ridiculed by everyone at school! But even so his family always came before us and solely for that reason, I resent him and I always will. I know it's not Islamic, and I should forgive him, but I now have to deal with all the fallout since his death about 4 years ago. He used to bully my Mom relentlessly and more or less kept her locked up at home, so now even when she has to go to the doctor, she struggles. I also have a sister who too was locked up at home so that's another problem. And top top things off, before he died, he gave all his sisters a huge chunk of money so they could survive after this death, even though they all work and have husbands and left us to deal with his debts. Such fun!

Inshallah you will be able to get your life sorted and on track.
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 01:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
As for the OP, I had father/son issues as well. He was a very strange man. Followed Islam by the book to an extent, but his family (his Mom/Dad/brothers/sisters) always took priority over my Mom and us. They were all well to do and were all in good working condition, i.e. none of them were disabled or anything. He sent so much money to them that they live in, what I call a mansion, yet we were living in a house which was falling to pieces and I remember only having 2 sets of clothes when I was 10, ridiculed by everyone at school! But even so his family always came before us and solely for that reason, I resent him and I always will. I know it's not Islamic, and I should forgive him, but I now have to deal with all the fallout since his death about 4 years ago. He used to bully my Mom relentlessly and more or less kept her locked up at home, so now even when she has to go to the doctor, she struggles. I also have a sister who too was locked up at home so that's another problem. And top top things off, before he died, he gave all his sisters a huge chunk of money so they could survive after this death, even though they all work and have husbands and left us to deal with his debts. Such fun!

Inshallah you will be able to get your life sorted and on track.
The bold part there is the story of our lives sadly. I could honestly forgive him for that but I can't forgive him for not being there when I was growing up, calling me and my brothers as kids useless and even to this day, and constantly just looking at us so negatively for no reasons.

I've been doing various types of martial arts my whole life and he has not shown in an interest or even shown up to one of my competitive matches. I could care less if you're rich, poor, or in between but when you're not there to raise your child, teach him right from wrong, and or support him/her in her life then you're not a father. Simple as that.
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InToTheRain
07-17-2014, 02:16 PM
:sl:

Brother try not to lost your temper because shaytan easily manipulates the one who loses his temper.

Despite all the errors you perceive in him he is your father and Allah Most High commanded you treat them with kindness, respect and obey their commands so long as it doesn't go against the command of Allah Most High. A saying of a Sheikh I know is that the great fortune the like of which can never be found on earth once lost; our parents.

Who knows maybe treating your father with more tenderness may bring about change in him seeing as how your angry man approach isn't changing the situation.


You, And Everything You Own Belongs To Your Father!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78F9sxMhHxw

Kindness to Parents
Kindness to Parents (part 1 of 3): Duty and Devotion - The Religion of Islam
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 03:32 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
:sl:

Brother try not to lost your temper because shaytan easily manipulates the one who loses his temper.
I don't talk to him anymore. It's the only way where I won't lost my temper.

format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
Despite all the errors you perceive in him he is your father and Allah Most High commanded you treat them with kindness, respect and obey their commands so long as it doesn't go against the command of Allah Most High. A saying of a Sheikh I know is that the great fortune the like of which can never be found on earth once lost; our parents.
I treat him with kindness by not arguing with him anymore. He built himself into the situation he is now. Don't get me wrong I treat my mother like gold. Without her I don't know what my brothers or I would have done. It's funny the sheikh says that because when my father went back home for 5 months, I was the happiest I have ever been. There wasn't one day where I had a headache from arguing or anything of the sort.

format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
Who knows maybe treating your father with more tenderness may bring about change in him seeing as how your angry man approach isn't changing the situation.
I've tried that. When I was 14, I saved up enough money to buy my dad a nice suit that I thought he would like. Well when I bought the suit and surprised him with it he went crazy saying where did you get the money from, and that I'm a useless idiot for doing what I did. I look at other fathers and how cool they are with their sons, the laughing, and the joking and it makes me feel bad.


I owe everything to God Almighty. What Muslims tend to forget that yes, the sons have the obligation to be kind and etc. to their fathers but the fathers also have to be fair and kind to their offspring. It can't just go one way. I see this all the time that no matter what the father does that the son has to obey and whatnot but there is a line and once that's crossed there's no going back. Just let Allah deal with the rest seeing as I've done all I can. There is only so much one can do to help someone. Let's just face the cold hard truth that some parents, sons, daughters, relatives, and etc. are anchors and staying with them will just drown you with them.

Thank you for your response, brother. I hope you didn't take anything I said as offense because it's not. I'm just really fed up. 25 years and he still hasn't changed.

May Allah guide us both.
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hisnameiszzz
07-17-2014, 03:46 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Kung Fu
I look at other fathers and how cool they are with their sons, the laughing, and the joking and it makes me feel bad.
I can totally relate to that. The only time we spoke was when I was asked if I came first in the Imtehaan at Madressah and what my end of year school results were.

When I look at other people I know and how well they get on with their Dad's, I do end up getting quite jealous. 3 lads that live opposite me are like best friends with their Dad. They do barbequeues together, go to the Masjid together, go for walks together etc. I never had that with my Dad. He just wasn't interested. I did try and make an effort but it's a 2 way thing like you pointed out.
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InToTheRain
07-17-2014, 04:00 PM
:sl:

Brother no offense taken here and likewise if I have said anything which maybe offensive please forgive me :)

Your a good man Brother and the burden is always greater on the oldest; more is expected from them. I know you have tried but I think it's wrong to stop trying. You had no control over who your father is and this life is Fitna... a trial. Yes we have our moments of happiness and joy but there will always be fitna and even if we somehow managed to reconcile matters for our current fitna others will arise till death and the cycle goes on. Your father maybe a trial for you and great rewards await for your sacrifices.
Hate is something we associate with what Allah Most High dislikes; hate the actions and not your father as Allah Most High commands you to be kind to him, respect him and obey him so long as they don't contravene Allah Most Highs commands. Brother if you harbour hate for your father it's as if you are failing the test.

The ones with more potential always gets lumped with the harder trials. I know it can be hard but remember the time in this life is insignificant in comparison to infinite. I know it's easy for us to site behind a keyboard and say all this but practice is far harder then theory; I am saying all this as a reminder but who knows had I been in your situation how I would have fared?

May Allah Most High bless you in your endeavors :)
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 04:33 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by hisnameiszzz
I can totally relate to that. The only time we spoke was when I was asked if I came first in the Imtehaan at Madressah and what my end of year school results were.

When I look at other people I know and how well they get on with their Dad's, I do end up getting quite jealous. 3 lads that live opposite me are like best friends with their Dad. They do barbequeues together, go to the Masjid together, go for walks together etc. I never had that with my Dad. He just wasn't interested. I did try and make an effort but it's a 2 way thing like you pointed out.
I hear you brother. Growing up and seeing fathers support their children and encouraging them in what they liked always made me a little envious, which I know is bad but at the end we're only human and all we can do is ask for forgiveness from Allah Almighty. I still pray for him but at the same time, I don't really care much for him. The pain of being called stupid, useless, and etc. my whole life by him even when I was an A student in primary school, secondary school, and in University hurt a lot. Deep down every son wants his father to be proud of his son but I guess it's just not meant to be for some.
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 04:42 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
:sl:

Brother no offense taken here and likewise if I have said anything which maybe offensive please forgive me :)
Thanks for all your advice and support brother. I'm glad I joined.

format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
Your a good man Brother and the burden is always greater on the oldest; more is expected from them. I know you have tried but I think it's wrong to stop trying. You had no control over who your father is and this life is Fitna... a trial. Yes we have our moments of happiness and joy but there will always be fitna and even if we somehow managed to reconcile matters for our current fitna others will arise till death and the cycle goes on. Your father maybe a trial for you and great rewards await for your sacrifices.
Hate is something we associate with what Allah Most High dislikes; hate the actions and not your father as Allah Most High commands you to be kind to him, respect him and obey him so long as they don't contravene Allah Most Highs commands. Brother if you harbour hate for your father it's as if you are failing the test.
I have always believed that part to be true in my case. I think it's a test from The Almighty Himself in order to teach me on how not to be a father like mine. I don't hate him but I don't like him either. Right now he's just another person to me really. The only reason, I haven't moved out yet is because of my mother, brothers, and sister.

format_quote Originally Posted by InToTheRain
The ones with more potential always gets lumped with the harder trials. I know it can be hard but remember the time in this life is insignificant in comparison to infinite. I know it's easy for us to site behind a keyboard and say all this but practice is far harder then theory; I am saying all this as a reminder but who knows had I been in your situation how I would have fared?

May Allah Most High bless you in your endeavors :)
I sincerely thank you for all your advice and support. All I know is, I'm going to be a great father insha Allah. I'm going to be involved in my kids lives every second of their lives. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite :p
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Scimitar
07-17-2014, 05:28 PM
Assalaam alaikum brothers,

wow, this conversation has progressed somewhat since I last posted.

I'm back here to offer some golden advice, which I feel you may benefit from (not anyone in particular - we're all on the same boat after all).

Guys, my father is always going to be the way he is, and as time goes on - he will settle into his ways more and more. I deal with this by keeping my distance, as my presence seems to upset him. It is no secret in my family that he has contempt for me - most likely because in my teens and twenties I was an absolute idiot about a lot of things. However, I have changed, and I used to want for my family to know that... now, I understand one thing - and it's of paramount importance that you take note. I changed for ME - and somewhere during the process of changing - shaytaan whispered into my heart and told me that my family should recognise it... I totally didn't consider my reasons for changing. I didn't change my life to please anyone in the first place - I changed my life to earn Allah's favour upon me, so I may be saved from the hellfire. I don't need the approval of others - truth be told, the Muslim community in my area don't particularly have a high opinion of me, and I can't blame them (due to my shady past).

But you know what? It matters little. I tell you why.

I remember reading this one hadeeth:

Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd As-Sa'id:

A man passed by Allah's Apostle and the Allah's Apostle asked a man sitting beside him, "What is your opinion about this (passer-by)?"

He (His companion) replied, "This (passer-by) is from the noble class of people. By Allah, if he should ask for a lady's hand in marriage, he ought to be given her hand im marriage, and if he intercedes for somebody, his intercession will be accepted".

Allah's Apostle kept quiet, then another man passed by and Allah's apostle asked the same man (his companion) again,

"What is your opinion about this (second) one?"

He (his companion) replied "O Allah's Apostle! This person is one of the poor Muslims. If he should ask a lady's hand in marriage, no one will accept him, if he intercedes for somebody, no one will accept his intercession, and if he talks, no one will listen to his talk"

Then Allah's Apostle said "This (poor) man is better than such a large number of the first type (i.e rich men) as to fill the earth"

[Bukhari: Book no.76 hadeeth no. 454]

Know what I take from that my brothers? Some of you know I'm still unmarried, and Allah knows its not from lack of trying. I'm a poor man, holes in my shoes, same clothes for so many years - can't even afford new clothes for Eid day. I live in London, I work (have my own business) but I am seriously struggling in finances, no father in his right mind would give me his daughter. My own father looks down upon me - he is materially inclined and thus favours my younger brother (who drives a brand new Audi S5, has his own property, goes on holidays 4 times a year and spends lavishly) And I don't mind that - what really used to irk me was when guests came around to visit. You see, my brother is hardly ever at home, he lives a life of his choosing and uses the home as a hotel, comes to sleep and shower and goes off again - so I'm usually there sitting with guests. They sometimes be polite and say things like "your son is handsome mashaAllah" to which my father replies "This? he is nothing, criminal, loafer," etc etc etc and it gets worse. Poor guests look at my face, my fathers face and mine back. But my father carries on with "My second son he is a prince, if you see his car SPORTS CAR, you know he earns ££££££, and he has his own house he rents out and.... " that's also cool wiht me, but then my father gets nasty. Poor guests don't know where to look and my father doesn't know when to stop. He then carries on dissing me so badly that my mother goes into the kitchen under the pretense that she is cooking or checking on something....

...It used to really anger me lots and lots. But you know what? For every injustice I have suffered, I have the understanding that I am being forgiven for my sins and am earning my place in Heaven - this is what keeps me going. So let him carry on dissing me, openly... If I told you what happened in India in 2012, you guys would wonder how I can live under the same roof as my father.

But I can - because I want to witness it. I want to feel the hurt, the pain, the suffering in silence - and take it up with Allah alone.

However, my life is not progressing here, and I feel like I'm on groundhog day at home, so I am making preparations to leave this country and start afresh in another one in sha Allah.

I am tired living for everyone else, I want to start my life now. I want to be married and have children, and raise them while I still have the time and the energy to kick a ball about and sit with them and help with homework, to guide them and inspire them, and do all the things my father never did with me in sha Allah.

I can't be bitter about him, because if I allow myself to be like that, I will only end up just like him.

Consider the Hadeeth In posted above. My personal struggle has been tough because it's been self imposed and those who know me, know how tough I am on myself. I'm a joke and a warning in the local Muslim community - but I know I am not the person they make me out to be, and I know that my father is partly to blame for the perception the community has of me. I also know that as time moves on, our house receives less guests and the phone doesn't even have a reason to be connected anymore, because people don't call... I see it all as my fathers doing. He's alienated people around him due to his bitterness. He suffers this disease. And knowing that this disease of his is alienating everyone in the community from our family, is something I can't get angry about. I wish there was something I could do about it - but there isn't - it's in Allah's hands.

So I have to distance myself from my family and move away from here, go to the USA and marry the lady who has so patiently been waiting for me in sha Allah.

I will set myself up there with Allah's help. And I trust HIM to bless me in my effort to do the right thing.

Life is never easy, and often the greatest trials we will face are the ones which start right at home.

Sometimes we come to a point where we have to spread our wings a little, and not let ourselves be trampled because as Muslims, we MUST do the right thing, even if that means moving away.

If I go, he will be less miserable, the very sight of me puts my father in a bad mood. Some of you may think "so you gonna abandon your family?" - well, no. I can skype them and see their faces, they can see me in sha Allah married, with children, happy, doing the right thing... and in sha Allah if Allah wills, my father may learn to like me.

Come to think of it, I don't think he ever did like me. And truth be told, it matters little now. I'm a man, not a child who must seek the approval of my parents anymore. I have earned the right to make the decisions I need to make, and whether they respect them or not, really doesn't matter any more.

I still smile when I come home, still give a heartfelt salaam, and still receive the same nonsense from him - on my way up the stairs I giggle nervously because I actually find it funny and sad at the same time.

And that's where I am at... in a good place in my mind and heart - I hope and pray you brothers too can be where I am now. Knowing that what your fathers think of you - really doesn't mean jack diddly boo squat.

At the end of the day, when qiyamat happens, you won't recognise him, and he won't recognise you - so stop living in the past and look forward whilst making sure your feet are on firm footing... and always seek Allah in every action. That is all my brothers.

Keep me in your dua, I too shall keep you in my mine :)

Scimi
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Kung Fu
07-17-2014, 05:50 PM
Brother, Scimitar do what you got to do. At the end of the day you will be judged alone and not with your father, mother, and etc.

Move and start a life of your own. It's your right to be able to have a family of your own. If your parents are holding you back from fulfilling such a beautiful thing than they are the ones being selfish. Like myself and another poster have said, it's a two way street. If the other side is not willing to play ball than there's so much you can do.

I will definitely pray for you and for the rest of you great brothers on here tonight. May God Almighty guide us all on the right and straight path so that we can have peace of minds ourselves.
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Alpha Dude
07-17-2014, 07:50 PM
It's sad to read of the problems faced by the brothers here.

We are all tested in different ways. Some more than others. Some people may have the best of relationships with their parents but they could be tested with food and water or tested with debilitating health or tested by being unjustly locked up or tested by being persecuted, etc and these people would be looking at us and seeing that we have what they don't just as we look at them. May Allah make things easy for all of us and guide us all. Aameen.
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Muhammad
07-18-2014, 12:53 AM
:wasalamex

I am sorry to hear of your problems, brothers. I cannot think of much to add to what you already know and have been advised.

One of the great things about the Qur'an is that it's full of lessons from the best of mankind - the Prophets. We learn from their characteristics, their du'as and how they faced certain trials. And the great Prophet Ibrahim :as: also faced a big trial with his father. He too was required to use wisdom and patience when speaking to his father. He knew it was his duty as a good son to advise his father against the evil he was doing so that he could be saved from Allah's punishment. The passage in Surah Maryam reads,

He (the father) said: "Do you reject my gods, O Abraham? If you stop not (this), I will indeed stone you. So get away from me safely (before I punish you)." Abraham said: "Peace be on you! I will ask Forgiveness of my Lord for you. Verily He is unto me Ever Most Gracious. "And I shall turn away from you and from those whom you invoke besides Allah. And I shall call upon my Lord and I hope that I shall not be unblest in my invocation to my Lord." (Ch 19:46-48)

The manner in which Prophet Ibrahim addresses his father (including in other aayaat) and responds to him is something to really ponder and reflect on. Also, don't give up in hoping that people can change... they do. Make a lot of du'a for them as Allaah :swt: is Able to do all things.

I know it's easy to say all this and so much harder to put into practice... just thought I'd share this in the hope it might help.

May Allaah :swt: guide your parents and families, rectify your affairs and grant you patience to face whatever trials come your way, Aameen.
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Scimitar
07-18-2014, 10:48 PM
Ameen, jazakAllahu khair for your dua akhi.

Scimi
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hisnameiszzz
07-18-2014, 11:35 PM
Salaams Uncle Scimi gee.

If you feel your life is in USA, you go for it. But please do keep in touch with your family, which I know you will. I reckon that once you are gone, they will miss you like crazy. You seem like a wonderful person with so much knowledge and patience. If it is possible and they are willing, why don't you have a sit down and try and work out what the problem is?

My Dad never liked me and there was no way he would talk to me about it. He was not that kind of man. Besides he was too busy worrying about his sisters and their children! I have a sister and brother who he loved with all his heart and I always felt like the one that was adopted. I always got treated differently, but hey ho. Life is too short. It's funny that I was the only one who had time to go to all his appointments (I made time and took leave from work) when he got taken ill and I was the one who ended up playing nurse maid for the months before he died.

Good luck you both Kung Fu and Uncle Scimi gee.
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Scimitar
07-19-2014, 01:19 AM
Jazak Allahu khairan bro,

truth is, it doesn't bother me at all nowadays. I just learnt to get on with the situation to be really honest. Being stuck in groundhog day is a real pain though, and from here, I cannot get married - it's impossible... so I move, it's really as simple as that. :)

Scimi
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Signor
07-20-2014, 07:10 PM
May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength

to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there,

even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life,

And may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world.

May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched

and whose have touched yours are always a part of you,

even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.

It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters,

but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way.

What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.

Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself,

And not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.


Aameen


Dedicated to Kung Fu BilalKid Scimitar hisnameiszzz

AND all others who are going through hard times,distress and pain.

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Scimitar
07-26-2014, 08:23 PM
JazakAllahu Khairan for the dua akhi. I hope and pray you are in good health my dear brother. I miss you loads. Killed skype account and youtube account too... had to be done, it was time.

You can find me here brother.
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hisnameiszzz
07-26-2014, 08:58 PM
Who is akhi?
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Karl
07-26-2014, 11:53 PM
He is not behaving as a Muslim if he leaves his homeland and drags his family to a ZOG country. Maybe this is eating him up inside and making him bitter. It would be better for you to go back home to Afghanistan where you belong with kith and kin.
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Scimitar
07-27-2014, 10:26 PM
*turbo eye roll ^^
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Kung Fu
07-28-2014, 03:26 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Karl
He is not behaving as a Muslim if he leaves his homeland and drags his family to a ZOG country. Maybe this is eating him up inside and making him bitter. It would be better for you to go back home to Afghanistan where you belong with kith and kin.
Yeah, that's not happening. The only Muslim countries, I would ever consider living in is Iran and or Egypt.

Afghanistan is a ****-hole and will remain like that as long as it remains in the geographic area it sits in.
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InToTheRain
08-06-2014, 12:06 PM
:sl:

I hope Allah Most High decreases the fitna within your familes and blesses you with unity. AS Brother Kungfu suggested we have no control over who our parents are therefore they are chosen by Allah Most High for us and we should behave with them as Allah Most High wants us to.

Moahammad(SAW) has said that Allah Most High does not show mercy to the one that does not show mercy to others; this was said to a father of 12 who said he didn't kiss any of his children. And unfortunately fathers often times find it hard/awkward to show affection and I believe the sons are know different; there are always to sides to a story :)

What our parents think of us is important, a sincere Dua from a parent for the child is accepted by Allah Most High and it raises one in status higher then any ammount of prayer. So it's more important for them to love us. Also if they feel neglected or victimised by their child it's counted as a major sin especially in their old age so all the more important what they think of us.

Also keep in mind Mohammad(SAW) did not accept the Hijra (one who travels to find Allah Most High or for his sake) of the man that left his parents crying due to his departure; infact Mohammad(SAW) ordered him to go back and make them happy/laugh as he made them cry before coming back to him.

May Allah Most High bless you brothers in your endeavors.
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