I have behaved horribly and my marriage is now in trouble

[Aishath]

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have been married for about 8 months and Astagfirullah my marriage is not very stable anymore.

I will admit it. I have a lot of flaws in my character. I have a horrible temper, I hold grudges, I judge people. Astagfirullah, I really am a horrible person. I often feel alone and misunderstood which isn't surprising considering how badly I tend to treat people.

My husband is a very patient man SubhaanAllah. And he has stood by me despite all these flaws. We have already been through one divorce after weeks of strained relationships between us. But he decided to give me another chance and took me back. Recently, our marriage almost fell apart again.

I have been holding grudges against my parents for the mistakes they have made in the past. Astagfirullah. My father has made some mistakes but he is also an amazing father. And like all of us, we have made mistakes in the past but he has changed his ways so much Alhamdulillah. Recently, Allah gave him the amazing opportunity to step inside the Ka'aba as well. In Shaa Allah, this is again a sign that Allah has indeed accepted the repentance of my father for the mistakes he has made.

However, I have carried this grudge in my heart for a long time and it often comes out in awful ways. I have argued with them, I have said bad things about them. I have been absolutely awful. It got to the point where my husband could not take it anymore and he was about to leave me for the second time. My mother intervened and he agreed to give me one last chance Alhamdulillah.

I am trying to change my ways. I say this but I worry about how sincere I am. I am scared of losing my husband but I know I should be even more scared of gaining the anger of Allah Subhaanah Wa Ta'ala if I keep going down this route. It is indeed by Allah's infinite Mercy that he has not taken my sinful soul still and I am left on this earth still.

I am trying to make an active effort to let go of all these grudges I have been carrying around in my heart. I try to remind myself that I am also wrong and I have no right to be pointing the finger at others. And who am I not to forgive when Allah Himself is the Most Merciful.

But now, I am turning to all of you for advice brothers and sisters. I need advice on how to proceed and what to do. My husband is really hurting. He told me that he doesn't really know if there is a future ahead of us. As in, I have often told him I won't repeat these mistakes and I have kept going back to it. So he isn't sure if I won't do the same again. Sometimes he can't look me in the eyes anymore. And when he does, there is often a sadness within them. Yet he is also so incredibly patient Masha Allah. There aren't many men like that. He has not cut off relations with me. He still looks after me and provides for me. He is encouraging me to go and meet my (girl) friends more as one reason for all the problems in the past was that I gave up my full time job to stay at home but in doing so, I virtually cut myself off of all contact from my friends etc. So it led to more depression, bad attitude etc.

What should I do? I am not naive to think that I can just say sorry and my husband will immediately forget all that I have put him through and will suddenly be his old self again. I am worried that this might never come back. But I am trying to tell myself to give it time and to work on myself in the meantime In Shaa Allah. And over time, the bond will get stronger. I guess right now, the issue is that all he has to go is my word that I won't do this again and I'll be honest, that isn't worth much based on what I have done in the past.

Please please advice me. It saddens me deeply to see how much hurt I have caused my husband. I wonder if he would be happier if he did leave me. I asked him and he said he is not regretting his decision to give me another chance and he still loves me and he believes we can work it out. I have an amazing husband, and I have been so ungrateful and spoilt in my behavior towards him. What should I do? I don't want to keep asking him are you okay all the time as that is annoying and at this point, it's pointless too as we both know he is not okay and our marriage isn't really okay. On top of this, he is a bit sick too these days with a cold and so he is often tired.

Please don't judge me too harshly for the things i have done in the past. Please advice me on the best course of action and help me fix things In Shaa Allah. I am so grateful that I got this chance again and I don't want to mess it up. Should I go about as normal but at the same time, try and sort myself out. Should I give him time and space and if he is quiet, should I just let him be. What do I do?

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:


sis , good to know u have realised your mistakes , now keep praying to Allah to save and bless your marriage .

Don't talk when you are angry , do ablution when u are angry . Also , did ur husband utter talaq twice in anger ? It's also not good for him to do so . When a couple take decision for divorce , there is a process for that . Uttering Talaq out of anger is surely not recommended in Islam and it's against Sunnat .

So , both of u pl. be careful about marriage , try your best to save marriage as among lawful matters , Allah dislikes divorce most .

may Allah grants what is best for you.

[Caller الداعي]

I pray that Allah solves all your problems
The only thing I can think is for you to confront all your issues and make it open to your parents and husband. keeping things in can destroy a person from within

[ahsankhan]

the first thing you ever needed was to realize your mistakes, and as you already did that, it will be easy for you to correct them.

pray salat five times a day daily and read Holy Quran with translation, shukran

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[greenhill]

My 'share' would be to make some definite changes. What do you need to inject into the relationship? Perhaps you may suggest that you will start with 'counselling' and show, prove to yourself that you really want to change.

It starts with you. What you want, how much do you really want it, what are you prepared to do.. etc.

Jump in, show him your appreciation. Be affectionate, be silly, sometimes spontaneous...l I'm sure you can do it. Show him the many buried goodness that you have. May take time to bubble forth vigorously, but let it bubble firth none the less.


Peace :shade:

[syed_z]

Asalaam O Alaikum...

Read stories of Great Muslimah's who lived in the past, have made impact on Islamic History and teachings.

You can find their stories online or im sure our brothers and sisters can share some link.

Reading great sacrifices they made can inshA'Allah inspire you to become great, and one day inshA'Allah you may also become.

[Muhaba]

You need to greatly change your behavior. Sometimes writing "I will not do this" a few hundred times can bring a change in a person's behavior. For example, write a few hundred times "I will not lose my temper." If that doesn't work, then do see a counselor who can help you solve your marital issues. Also, remember that Allah will ask you about how you treat your husband. He will ask you about every action, word, and thought and is watching at all times. In a hadith we are told that the woman who treats family and neighbors in a bad way will go to Hell even if she prays nawafil in addition to fard. On the other hand, the woman who treats family/neighbors in a good way will go to Jannah even if she only does her Fard obligatory deeds. (Mening of hadith in my own words. Exact words of hadith are different.) So make sure you treat your family and neighbors well.