I lost the most precious thing in my life, my virginity....

[mohafh]

Assalamu Alaikum,

Dear members... I am a 21 year old boy and I am ashamed that this kind of post had to be the first one... but I need your advice..

I am a 21 year old boy, living in a western society. That brings a lot of trials with them and most of them I have failed.. However there was one thing I held very dear and that was my virginity. I was the only one of my friends who had this precious thing. I felt like this was the one and only thing that still was my connection with Allah. I wanted to save this moment for my lawful wife.Every other sin I commit I cry in Salah for forgiveness for him. I cannot pray without wetting my eyes. I always feel like Allah has been my best friend. He has helped me in every situation. I know the sweetness of imaan...

With this background, please imagine that what I lost today, it can never be recovered... I feel so ashamed. It hurts so much...
I lost the most precious thing in my life and I lost it to a *****, under influence of alcohol. I cried my way back to my home. I cannot imagine how disappointed Allah is with me. I cannot imagine what I stole from my future wife. I cannot imagine what I did to the people that think good of me..

I just can't stop thinking how this is one of those sins that you can never take back, just like murder, like hurting parents and they die...

What should my mindset be? What does a muslim do in this situation? How can I make the best of this sin? Is there a lesson to take? I don't want to touch Hellfire. Will I ever be able to talk with Allah, will he love me the same like he used to?

Thank you in advance dear members.

[ardianto]

:sl:

If you know my life when I was young, I guess, you would feel like a good person. I will not tell you about what I had done in my dark period, but I will describe it in short word, I was not a good person.

Now I can't claim I am a good Muslim. But Alhamdulillah, I could leave those sinful behaviors. Now what's in my mind is, I should always try to be a good Muslim.

As human we are not free from mistake. We may make sin. But it doesn't mean we can't leave sinful behavior. We may fall into the wrong path. But it doesn't mean we can't move to the right path. As long as we are still alive, we still have a chance to be a good Muslim. You still have chance. So, why don't you use this chance?.

You don't need to repent everyday. Once repent is enough. Then what you should do is change yourself to be better. If you afraid because you have made sin, what you should do is gain more reward. Yes, young bro, rather than just cry, it's better if you collect reward to redeem your sin. Perform salah sunnah, fasting Monday and Thursday, give charity, etc.

In Sha Allah, later when you remember that sin, instead of you feel "Oh no! I've made sin!", you would be grateful and say "Alhamdulillah, I could leave my sinful behavior. And now I should try to be a better Muslim".

[greenhill]

Salaams,

I guess br. Ardianto has pretty much said what needs to be said.

So. We can welcome you to the forum. May you have a fruitful time.

:peace:

[The-Deist]

Welcome to the forum akhi :D
May Allah (swt) forgive all of us
Aameen

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[ardianto]

I cannot imagine what I stole from my future wife.

We cannot back to past to prevent ourselves make a mistake. But we still can do something to redeem the mistake that we have made.

Yes, you have stole something from your future wife. But can you back to the past to prevent yourself make that mistake?. Of course not. However, you still can do something to redeem your mistake. Start learn how to be a good husband, and promise yourself you will become a good husband in the future. This is what you can do to redeem your mistake to her.

By the way, welcome to the forum. :)

[mohafh]

Dear Members, Thank you for your advice and encouraging words. I noticed none of you even talked a bit negative about my actions..

However I have three questions:

1. Why shouldn't I repent everyday? Is there something I missed? Isn't it best to ask for forgiveness as much as you can, even if it's for the same deed.
2. Does the Islam encourage me or discourage me to tell me future wife about it.

Now my third questions is a tricky one. As I was under influence I had no control for my deeds. Only Allah knows best and he's the perfect judge, but is there is something known about the rules of when someone is drunk and the deeds he then commits. Is he held accountable for deeds while being drunk?

Aside from the fact that drinking is a major sin on it's own.

[greenhill]

I noticed none of you even talked a bit negative about my actions..

The deed is done. No point to go back there. You have expressed regret on your action. It is not for us to judge you or to say anything about what you did (we are all not without sins ourselves). We are (mostly) here to support you and give guidance (if we know how, and in whatever form or way we know how to express it).

Yes you can repent everyday.

On telling your future wife, I don't know specifically any 'law' that requires you to tell future wife anything like this... That is entirely up to you. The way I see it, what happened is way before her time with you. A different thing altogether if it happened when you are 'tied' to her.

On being under the influence, there was a story to illustrate the effects of alcohol... a bit simplistic, but the message is clear:

A man was put in a room with a woman, drinks of alcohol and a knife. He was asked to perform one thing. Rape the woman, kill her or drink the alcoholic drink. He thought about it and decided that drinking the alcohol would be the best of the worst deeds. He duly drinks the alcohol. He got drunk and decided to rape the woman and after realizing what he did, he then killed her. I reckon you got the 'moral' of the story.

I cannot answer the question you asked as I am not sure, but Allah is the Most Forgiving. Just be sincere in your repentance.


:peace:

[Abdullahh]

Allah is the most merciful, most forgiving, most loving. Pray for forgiveness, and never repeat this sin ever again. Alcohol poisoned you, and then you committed an even worse sin. Allah will forgive you. My best wishes are with you, I will pray for you.

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum mohafh,


Mmm. Repentance is something you do in a lifelong way, it seems to me. Not that you have to obsess about something, and wallow in self-flagellation. But if you truly have repented of something, that flavour of regret stays with you, I find.

I will give you an example. When I was a child... mmm, about nine, I think... I was out with a friend. She showed me some candies she had stolen. They were a kind I loved. She encouraged me to do the same. Dared me. And so, I went into the shop, and I stole maybe 3 half-penny candies. But when I left the shop and found her, I felt absolutely terrible. I was too afraid to go back into the shop and give the candies back, but at the same time, I felt a great revulsion towards those candies. So I gave them to her. I never ate that kind again, and my friendship with that girl was damaged.

Why? Because you see, I felt a terrible shame. I had always been a very honest child (to the point it got me into trouble), and that felt really good, even when my honesty got me into trouble. I felt good and clean. But when I stole those candies, I lost that clean feeling. For the rest of my life I now know that I can be a thief, I can be duplicitous.

I suppose I could argue that my friend led me astray. I could argue that the candy hardly cost anything. I could argue that I was a child. But the thing that bothers me to this day is the fact that I did it.

(smile) I don't go around hating myself. I don't beg for Allah's Mercy every day. But I have this little spark of knowledge in my heart: I did this sin.

(meditatively) I think it was a useful lesson, though. I learnt something humbling about myself. I think I gained a little compassion through this knowledge, too. (smile) Allah doesn't expect that we will never sin. He Knows we will. But we must turn to him in sincere repentance, and learn the lessons we need to learn in order to get closer to Him.

I can't judge the sincerity of your repentance. Only Allah can do this. But I would caution you a little: when you talk about the woman you sinned with, it disturbs me that you refer to her as a *****. I am concerned that you may try to exculpate yourself by denigrating her (this is a common reaction when we want to avoid some responsibility for our own actions). Even if she was a paid professional under no form of coercion, you freely participated. Secondly, you seem to be trying to say that, in fact, you were not responsible for your actions because you were under the influence of an illicit substance. But how can you repent, if you don't acknowledge your responsibility?

I don't know about the laws where you live. But in my country, doing something illegal while under the influence of alcohol, is not considered a defence. If you drive while drunk, and kill someone, you are still guilty of at least manslaughter. And if you rape someone while drunk, you are still a rapist.

You chose to drink alcohol. You chose to go out to wherever you picked up this woman. You chose to have sex with her. Alcohol is a poison that affects the part of your brain that helps restrain you. This is true. But it doesn't tend to “make” you do something you wouldn't otherwise do. It takes the brakes off, but you are still driving, so to speak. If you were seriously poisoned to the point that you weren't aware of what you were doing, you probably wouldn't be capable of doing much with a woman.


Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3, 'What three things does drink especially provoke... lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance'


My dear young man, accept that you have sinned. Take your responsibility for your actions. This is actually what can lead you towards spiritual growth, and becoming a better person. From hints in your text, it seems to me that you've been sliding off the Straight Path for a while before this incident (please excuse me if I am mistaken). You are feeling shocked? Good! Perhaps this can be the thing that turns your life around.

We all have sinned. Will sin. But we can never say to ourselves: oh well, it's ok, then. I didn't really mean to do it. Allah is Forgiving... Yes, Allah is very Merciful, indeed... but from what I understand, His Mercy is for those who look at themselves for who they are and say: yes, this is me. I am weak. I did wrong. Please Forgive me.

You can't get back the self-respect and innocence you have lost. But you can grow into a thoughtful and mature man. (smile) And turn your defeats into victories.


May Allah, the Abaser and the Exalter, Lift you ever closer to the best of all goals: Himself.

[ardianto]

Dear Members, Thank you for your advice and encouraging words. I noticed none of you even talked a bit negative about my actions..

However I have three questions:

1. Why shouldn't I repent everyday? Is there something I missed? Isn't it best to ask for forgiveness as much as you can, even if it's for the same deed.
2. Does the Islam encourage me or discourage me to tell me future wife about it.

Now my third questions is a tricky one. As I was under influence I had no control for my deeds. Only Allah knows best and he's the perfect judge, but is there is something known about the rules of when someone is drunk and the deeds he then commits. Is he held accountable for deeds while being drunk?

Aside from the fact that drinking is a major sin on it's own.

Our Islamic teachers tell us that we must often say "Astaghfirullah". This is one form of repentance. Yes, we must repent everyday because we maybe do sin that we do not realize. But we must repent in the right way.

Should you cry everyday for the mistake that you have done in that time?. No, bro. This is not the right way for your repentance. The right way is control yourself to not do the same mistake again. This is the form of repentance that you must do everyday.

Then should you tell your wife that you have lost your virginity?. My honest advice is no. Keep it as secret which your wife no need to know. And actually your wife will not know if you don't tell her. Indeed, this is the advantage of being a male in this matter.

Maybe not everyone agree, but I have a reason. If you tell her about it, it will make her feel disappointed. She might be can accept it, but still it make her feel uncomfortable and feel not happy, at least for a while. Your wife happiness is very important.

So, let your wife see you as good man, and what you should do is become a good man. That's why I suggest you to learn how to be a good husband, and promise yourself that you will be a good husband for her.

About the third question. If someone is under influence of alcohol, Is he held accountable for deeds while being drunk?.

Influence of alcohol can make a drunk driver does not brake his car when he need to brake, and it cause accident. But actually he was conscious enough when he decided to drive. The accident happen because he decided to drive although he knew that he was under influence of alcohol. So, he held accountable for this accident because this is the consequence of decision which he has taken.

But, now it's better if you focus to collect reward from ibadah and doing good deeds. In Shaa Allah, your sin can be forgiven. Remember the hadith about prostitute who her sins was forgiven because she gave water to a thirsty dog?.

By the way, do you like hiking?, or fishing?, or riding bicycle?. You need to have positive activities. I notice, you have enough free time. But unfortunately you use your free time not for positive activities. That's why you are easy to fall into negative activities.

So, use your free time for positive activities. It will avoid you from negative activities like drunk. In Shaa Allah, you can avoid drinking alcohol again, and later you will realize that the cool guy is not the guy who drink alcohol, but the guy who can avoid temptation to drink alcohol or use drug.

Be the cool guy, young bro. :)

[aflawedbeing]

I must address the previous post, and point out that the absense of a hymen has nothing to do with being a virgin or a non-virgin. There are other ways for the hymen to break!
So even as a woman, no one can definitely say one is a virgin or not based on an 'advantage'. It's just not accurate and should absolutely NOT be 'the done thing'.

Alhamdulillah.

Ahkee, do not tell your future wife. Do not hurt her unnecessarily. Do not cause unneeded worry. Just focus on being a loving and beautiful and Islamic husband to her.
Make towbah (repent) and seek Allah's (swt) forgiveness. You wronged Allah (swt), but you can repent. Alhamdulillah.

[Hulk]

If you have imaan, you have not lost the most precious thing in your life.

[The-Deist]

If you have imaan,

And if you have Allah by your side if thats even halal to say that :nervous:

[mohafh]

Dear Members thank you for the replies.

I read my post again and it is obvious that I was in a shocked state the first moments after the sins. It was the first time I had been in such a state.

Now I that I have had a couple of days to process this, I understand that this is part of the trial. And Indeed Brother MuslimInshallah is right. In these days I have accepted that it's my own choice that I made to sin like this. I repented with Allah and will use this moment to reinstall my imaan and increase me Dhikr.

May Allah forgive us all.

Thank you SO MUCH brothers. Love and Salam.

[The-Deist]

Brother

It's a sister...
And Ameen :D