new and need helpppppp

[sisterjee]

Assalam alaikum evwryone i am new to the forum. I just wanted some help
actually what it is me and my husband have been sepaeated for avout 2yrs now we have 2kids which he has ne er bothered to see for past year. Anyway now he wants to get back the problem is my family are totaly against it as he had a argulent with my dad etc.
Ao today i read something on google where you read durood shareefand some surats then do dua and go to any page in quran once you have chosen page to vo 7pages forward and on 7,8,th line you will find answer so thats what i did and came yo surat

Indeed, [O Muhammad], He who imposed upon you the Qur'an will take you back to a place of return. Say, "My Lord is most knowing of who brings guidance and who is in clear error."

Could you please tell me what meaning would be in my caae please im aooo confuaed. Should i give him a chance or not??

[sisterjee]

Please everyone help me out

[Scimitar]

Assalaam alaikum sister,

please be patient, in sha Allah, a knowledgeable member will reply soon,

Scimi

[sisterjee]

Thank you for replying

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[BeTheChange]

Hey walaikumasalaam sister,

Am sorry to hear your husband left you for a period of two years...it must be hard for you...When you say separated do you mean you went all the way and got the full legal and islamic divorce? Or he took a 'break' and just went and has come back now?

In terms of your situation i know it must very difficult but i don't think any of us can advise you yes you should stay with him or no you shouldn't. At the end of the day you will be living with this man, this man will raise your kids and have a huge influence on your life so i think it's only right for YOU to make the decision.

I know sometimes we just want to reach out & seek advice from other people - there's nothing wrong with that but i don't think we can make the decision for you sister - only because this is your life and you will need to live with the decisions you make.

I suppose you need to start by asking your 'husband' why he left you for 2 years - that's a very long time (with no contact) and what his intention was and why he wants to be a part of your life now.

Also, i think it's extremely important for you to take your children's welfare into consideration. what is their state of mind? How do they feel towards your husband? what are their views? I don't know how old your children are but when a parent leaves it has huge consequences on the child (sometimes negative, sometimes positive)

Only You can decide whether he is worthy enough or whether you can make your marriage work sister - Please read isthikhra prayer - also sit down and think about the times you have spent with your husband - does he guide you to the road of jannnah or the road of jahannam? Ultimately, this is what we are here for - there is no middle road.


I pray Allah swa makes the decision easy for you sister - Don't lose hope. You have 2 beautiful children and whatever has happened has happened with the will of Allah swa.

[sisterjee]

Hi protected soldier thank yoy for your reply. Actually i separated from him due to his bad habits and he never really cared about the kids. But i necer took talak i think im sooo afraid to be labeled as a divorcee to be honest. Sorry for spelling errors as writing from phone

[sisterjee]

Sorry yoy were saying about the kids my oldest is 5and youngest2when we separated the younger one was 6mnths and doesbt really know anything about him howevwr my 5yr old occasionaly would ask about him but i feel whem their older what of they want him in there life and im taking that away from them

[BeTheChange]

hey Sister jazahka Allah for your response.

Okay so you never got an islamic divorce - so he never said the words i divorce you 3 times? Am not sure where he stands islamically...Please speak to an islamic scholar in your community in sha Allah if that's possible. (or maybe someone on this forum can help with this bit in sha Allah).

So you separated from him due to his bad habits. If this was me sister and i was in your situation - i would want to know if this individual has changed and whether he has the capacity to be a husband to me and secondly, a father to my kids. These are 2 different roles. If these bad habits (depends how 'bad' these habits are) are still with this individual and he is genuinely WILLING and showing signs of leaving these 'bad' habits - then i suppose there's a possibility i would think about 'giving him another chance'.

Children imitate and look at their parents as role models especially, because your children are so young. Am sure you know better than me sister but your children are still learning, growing and developing their own unique characters.

I think it's only natural to think about the consequences of not having a father in your children's life but sister please think about this - if this man is in your life will your children and you BENEFIT from his presence? Also, imagine another situation - if this man is not in your life what will you 'lose' (or gain) and how can you combat this loss?

If this man has not been in touch with you (or your children) for 2 years - and you never asked or talked about divorce because your afraid of being labelled a 'divorcee' - sister, from my experience and this is how i think - i always try my best to do what's right by me. When am making any important decision i never think about what other people will think of me.

Do you know why sister? Because 'other' people will always have an opinion of you - whether this is a good opinion or a bad opinion - whether they have judged you correctly or wrongly - 'other' people's opinion of you is sooooo limited so why should we spend our time thinking about something a) that is beyond our control b) does not matter. I don't mean this in an arrogant way - what i mean is why not focus and divert your attention & energy into thinking what will Allah swa think of me if i do this etc etc. Alhamdulilah i always consult with Allah swa. It might sound crazy but when i do anything that i think is good- i always have the intention ya Allah - this is only for you. (Don't limit or hurt yourself because society/culture demands or expects you to behave in a certain way - do what's best for YOU & your emaan and your children).

At the same time i do understand the external pressure but try not to give this any attention - i think you have more important things on your mind - A) Allah b) yourself C) Your children D) Your parents, family and friends in sha Allah.

Am sorry if i haven't given you a direct answer sister - use your MIND and the knowledge that you have about this man and base a decision on this in sha Allah - i hope Allah swa makes it easy for you. Am sorry if my advice is not good enough for you - i will keep you in my duas in sha Allah. I wish you all the happiness and success in this world and the next sister - whatever decision you do make - we're here for you in sha Allah & please don't go down the road of depression, loneliness etc - There is so much more to life than marriage - i.e. emaan - pleasing Allah swa will give you lots of inner peace in sha Allah :-)

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum sisterjee,

I'm afraid I can't give a full reply because I am really quite ill, and frankly, (smile) Protected Soul is doing a great job, I think.

Just a couple of points:

1) What you are doing with the Qur'an may fall under fortune telling. I'd check this out with someone more knowledgeable, if I were you.

2) Please don't rush. You don't have to make a decision straight away. He's been away for 2 years... he can wait a few weeks or months until you figure out what's best. Let him know this, preferably through intermediaries. Give yourself time and space to carefully consider what is truly best for both you and your children.

Hugs, my dear. Call on Allah to Guide you and keep you strong.

May Allah, the Gentle, Protect you and your children.

[sisterjee]

Thank you sooooo much protected soldier. That was soooo helpfull and has seriously got me thinking. Your right i need to think of the pros and cons of being with him. Thank you

[sisterjee]

Thank you muslim inshallah gor your supporting words and your right if hus been away 2yrs then couple of weeks more wont make a difference to him while i decide what to do thank you

[greenhill]

Salaams,

Have you tried to do 'istikharah'? I think that is the surest way forward for you.


:peace:

[sisterjee]

Yh i did istekhara for past 3days and didnt see anything in dream yet will carry on doing

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum

I will not talk about movie. But I remember the end scene of Mrs Doubtfire when Mrs Doubtfire said that sometime divorce is better.

Divorce is permissible. What impermissible is cut the family ties. It's mean if divorce happen the family ties between children and parent should not be cut off.

But it doesn't mean I support divorce as the easy option. I myself have never thought to get divorced during my married life. My married life ended not because divorce, but because Allah called my beloved wife return to him.

Of course sometime problem happened in my married life. There was a time when my wife left me and back to her parent home after conflict with my mother. She went there with our 2 year old kid and they stayed there for more than two months.

But despite my father in law who was very angry to me I always visited them and still gave them money. I did not run from my responsibility toward them. I always thinking that my family need me, so I always realize that I have responsibility toward my family. I never thinking that I need my family because it can make me leave them when I feel I don't need them and back when I feel I need them.

Yeah, I remember complaint of a woman about her husband "He always come to me, to my children, when he need us. But where is he when we need him?".

Sisterjee, if you want to give your husband a second chance, then you should be able to make him realize that you and your children need him, and make him become a husband and father who has sense of responsibility. This is the challenge that you must face. If not, then he will back to his bad habit.

Okay, sister, don't be hurry to make decision. Like sister MuslimInshallah has said, he can wait for few weeks or few month.

I am sorry if my advice is too firm. But this is advice from male's point of view.

May Allah give you easiness. :)

[sisterjee]

Thank you brother ardianto for your advise.his cutrently gone abroad which makes me think.if he can go through alll the trouble to travel abroad why cant he bothered to make a 30minute journey to see his kids. Iv been doing istekhara for 3days now i havent seen anything in my dream as yet but at the beginning i had a strong feeling to givr him a chancr and now after 3days i have a strong feeling he wont change andto get a talak. Maybe its from allah this feeling because of istekhara

[sisterjee]

Also he has never even given a penny for the kids in 2yrs to be honest i have never asked him but im sure as a fathet he has some rsponsibilities

[ardianto]

Thank you brother ardianto for your advise.his cutrently gone abroad which makes me think.if he can go through alll the trouble to travel abroad why cant he bothered to make a 30minute journey to see his kids. Iv been doing istekhara for 3days now i havent seen anything in my dream as yet but at the beginning i had a strong feeling to givr him a chancr and now after 3days i have a strong feeling he wont change andto get a talak. Maybe its from allah this feeling because of istekhara

You're welcome sister.

But I must clarify that answer of Istikhara is not always in form of dream. Even according to Ulama in my place, the answer usually not in form of dream, but in other form.

In example. A girl get marriage proposal and then she perform salah Istikhara because she still cannot decide to accept or not accept. Few days later few people tell her. "You get marriage proposal from that brother?. Hey, you are lucky!. He is a good man. Many girls want to marry him". So she get a clue to make decision.

[sisterjee]

Yes brother you are right because i am hearing from family membets different things about him which is making me angry and wanting to get talaak whereas for past 2yrs during aeparation i never thout of getting talak so must be sighn from allah

[BeTheChange]

I think you’re scared to take the big step of a divorce. If this is what you choose after reflection and prayers in sha Allah go for it. Like brother ardianto advised divorce is permissible and we shouldn't overlook this option - it is the most hated thing by Allah swa but at the same time as long as you feel confident that you have exhausted EVERY avenue and you see no change from your spouse then really, you have no choice.

I was speaking to my friend a couple of weeks ago and she recently went through a divorce - i asked her the normal question that everyone asks - "so what would you have done different?' I was expecting her to say i would have done this and this etc but she gave me some food for thought and said 'nothing, because she had done everything she could to stop it from getting to this stage (divorce).' I was really impressed - Alhamdulilah as long as you know you've done everything and you’re on a one way road where your spouse isn't responding back to your efforts then sister, there's nothing else you can do.

Also, i was thinking last night about your case - if you haven't been with him for 2 years - you are already living and managing without him (Alhamdulilah). One can say you are living like a 'divorcee' i think it's just taking time to accept and admit this - which is normal for us all. We all find it hard to accept the truth and reality but as Muslims we have to have courage and do what's right by us.

Sister - i'm sure you will know what's best for you soon in sha Allah - if you already don't know and am positive the future holds lots of happiness for you - we just need sabar - Sometimes Allah swa allows things to happen so we can get close to HIM because as human beings we forget about Allah swa - i know i can relate to this - don't worry and as always we're here for you if you need anything else.

Wishing you all the best :-)

[sisterjee]

thank you protected soul you know you have hit the nail on the head. i think the main thing is im just scared of being labled a divorcee and taking this big step but your right we have to do whats right i think im just soo scared honestly

[BeTheChange]

Honestly sister if you’re scared about how society will react don't be. I know sometimes our Asian community, in particular have inquisitive minds and maybe your situation will be discussed for the first couple of weeks/months (maybe) but after that, something else will happen and this will entertain the inquisitive minds and people.

I guess what am trying to say is you'll probably feel the heat of people's tongue's for the first couple of weeks or first month or so and then the questions and voices will go away. You are here for Allah swa and you’re not here to please and be accepted by your peers or society. Don't be stuck in a miserable situation to please 'people'. Put yourself and your children at the heart of every decision you make and not people.

If it makes you feel better there's a saying which goes something like this; don’t be looking at other people (for approval/acceptance) when they are buried in their own sins and problems. Instead of supporting and really caring about you, this group of people your scared of will be nosy and will want the gossip so just let tongues talk sis - honestly, i can't stress enough do what's best for you and your kids.

Allah is with you and what more can we ask for - pray to Allah swa - He will listen and respond to you MORE than any human being can. Trust me sister, it does work. Don't go to mankind with your problems - go to Allah swa and you will succeed more than you can imagine (in sha Allah).

[sisterjee]

Thank you protected soul that wassoooooo helpfull seriously i teally appreciate all the advise you have given. And your absolutely right thank you

[sisterjee]

Salaam everyone a miracle happend.after posting this thread yesterdy today after a yr my husband came to see kids. I have been doing istekhara for 3days and seen no dream could this be a sign do you think???