Originally Posted by Paprika
Assalaamu alaikum Paprika,
(gently) As I understand your situation, you have had some difficult relationships with women. Your mother, perhaps. Your wife. Other women who have intersected your life. There are, of course, the usual misunderstandings between men and women (we see the world through our own lens, and so have trouble seeing through other lens). But to feel a deep hurt
because of women... that takes a little more than the usual misunderstandings, it seems to me.
Isn't it a hurt? When released, a hurt becomes anger
Anger is a normal physiological response to certain triggers. If we turn the anger inwards, we feel hurt. When we acknowledge it, we feel anger.
But acknowledging anger does not mean that we free ourselves to lash out and hurt others. It just means we say: yes, I am angry because of this or that. And then we become free
to deal with whatever we are reacting to. (gently) Free...
You have been hurt by women. I believe you. I have been hurt by both men and women. There is no doubt about it, some people can be very unkind. Perhaps you have been hurt by all
the women in your life. This is also very possible. But my question is then: why is your sample biased
Let us say that all
the significant women in your life have been unkind to you. They are manipulative, demanding, selfish and callous. How many women do they represent? Five? Ten? But how many woman are there in the world? Mmm... let's say women represent 50% of the population (they actually generally represent slightly more than that, but let's pretend 50%).That's about 3.5 billion
women (ok, and girls). Your sample, even of 10 women, is vanishingly small. Are you sure you are giving women a fair trial? Can you really say with any degree of certitude that all
women are therefore really unpleasant people?
The sorts of people you are describing most certainly exist. They are described in the medical literature as narcissistic or psychopathic individuals. According to a couple of articles I quickly referenced, narcissism (as a personality disorder) affects about 5% of American women (closer to 8% ofAmerican men, apparently), and psychopathy affects about 0,6% of people in the British Isles. Mmm, let's say that 6% of women are really unpleasant people (which means that the vast majority, 94% aren't
, you know).
Consider the following: what are the odds that if I pulled, say, 10 women at random off the street, that I would get only
narcissistic and psychopathic ones in my sample. (twinkle) After a quick consultation with my in-house math genius, I have learnt that the odds are: 0¸06¹º %... that's a 0,00000000006047% chance that you could randomly sample just
And this leads to the question: given that the chances of randomly getting just
unpleasant women in your life are so vanishingly low, just why is it you are surrounded with such women
Is it possible, perhaps, that there is something about you yourself
, that is attracted to
the wrong type of women?
want to say it's your fault
(playing the blame game is something narcissists love to do, incidentally). I'm actually trying to say something very hopeful: you have the power to change this situation
You see, if the flaw lies in the other
person, you can't do anything about that. But if the flaw lies within you
,you have the power to change that.
But it is hard.
(smile) But is life about rest and ease? Or is it about living, worshipping and growth?
There are many ways to get frozen into a state of being. Whether it be the mindless distraction of never-ending work, or the empty pursuit of some diversion or desired object, or the fear of trying something new, or the pain of going through a wall of emotional fire... there are so many ways to get diverted off the Path that leads to Allah. And we have that old enemy who wants so much for us to fail, who loves to whisper anything and everything that resonates with our weaknesses: you're a failure, you're so amazing, you're not able to do X, there are such fun other things to do, you need to look good, you'll get hurt/people you love will get hurt... so many whispers.
You have been hurt by women. I believe you. And I empathize with you. I have been hurt by both women and men. Deeply. But look at yourself. What kind of a person are you? What is the good in you? What are the flaws (and often, these are two sides of the same coin; a weakness can be a strength in the right context, and a strength can be a weakness)? Why do you do the things you do? What is your history? Can you see any patterns? What would you like
your history to be? What is your purpose in life, and how can you achieve this?
I don't know you, Paprika. (smile) Perhaps I will come to know you more, as you post on this Forum. But I do know one thing: you are a precious and unique human being. You add things into the mix of human life. I also know that God Created you for a purpose. The exact purpose is not always clear. (smile) Of course, we are supposed to worship our Creator. But how? Is it just
about following the basic laws set out? I don't believe so. Angels follow all the laws. So does the rest of creation (except the Jinn). We are supposed
to struggle. We are supposed
to make mistakes, and feel pain, and feel like we're walking through honey.... Is not, perhaps, this struggle a form of worship
When we struggle and feel we have failed, and collapse on our knees and cry out in pain and loneliness: Oh God! Help me! I am weak, I am lost, I need
You... Is this not also worship? Is this not an acknowledgement of our humbleness and Allah's Tremendousness?
Women have hurt you. But they cannot harm
you. Only you
can do that. When we permit things that are not right, we harm ourselves
. When we turn away from Allah, we harm ourselves. When we embrace things we know we should not, we harm ourselves. Nobody can harm you. Only you yourself.
This is empowering!!! You feel anger because a woman lies to you...listen
to your anger. It is right and healthy. She should not
treat you like that. So... what are you going to do about it? Let her gain something through her lie? Let her avoid something though her lie? Let her hurt you through her lie?
You can decide not to tolerate her lie. What can you do? It depends on the context. You have to look at each circumstance and ask yourself what is an appropriate
response. You have the power to decide what your response is going to be
. If one way of dealing with the lie leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth...try another response. Don't just keep on hoping that she will change. She won't. Not unless she wants to... and you have no power over that. So stop trying to change her, and focus on what you
can do, what you
You can work on modifying your approach with her not
to change her... but to change yourself (try not to fall into the common trap of hoping she'll change because you've modified your approach. She may, but (especially if she has a personality disorder), she very probably won't
This modification of yourself
will take time and effort. Lots of effort. Realize that the other person will try to force you back to the status quo (which they were comfortable with)... and resist your inner urge to fall into old patterns.
Because if you can modify your patterns... you will find that the people you are attracted to/that you attract, will change. And as you find healthier patterns of living and relating to others... you will find yourself feeling more inner peace. (twinkle) Not all the time. But more
of the time. (smile) And this is the sign, I believe, that you are on the Right Path.
(smile) Don't change yourself to get a nicer woman in your life. Change yourself to get closer to Allah, to become a person more pleasing to Him. (smile) And perhaps... He will Send someone into your life who is kinder. Perhaps
. (smile) I'm still working on this myself. But I trust that whatever He Sends my way is what is best... once
I've tied my camel (once I've made my effort). And no matter what else happens... I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing my best to Please my Lord. (smile) I'm still failing a lot, mind you. But I'm giving it my best shot.
(smile) Anyway, if you could pray for me please, Paprika, I'd really appreciate it. And I will pray for you, inshAllah. May we, as an act of worship, modify old habits, and find healthier, more harmonious ones... that are pleasing to the One and Only.
And May Allah, the Compassionate, Forgive us for our many failings.