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Paprika
02-05-2015, 07:41 AM
Salaamz,

I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things.

I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?
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فصيح الياسين
02-05-2015, 09:17 AM
:wa:Just devilsh thought i hate girls and this n tht
If u r sinful so be sinless. Now upto u how u leave sins
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sister herb
02-05-2015, 11:07 AM
You should ask yourself why you are thinking by this way. Who or what has put kind of thoughts to your mind.

Hate is a bad feeling as it eats you own mind empty and fruitless and makes you feel unhappy.

Now; who is the one who wants the mostly that you are sad, full of bad feelings and wants to destroy all happiness in your life?
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ardianto
02-05-2015, 02:38 PM


Do you hate them, Paprika?
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Scimitar
02-05-2015, 04:34 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
Salaamz,

I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things.

I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?
you'll only be hurting yourself.

Scimi
Reply

ardianto
02-06-2015, 12:35 AM
My dear brother Paprika.

If you were a misogynist, then you would seduce the women as much as you could, made them fall in love with you, but then you leave them and you laugh when you see they fall into broken heart.

No, you are not misogynist. You are just an innocent young man who have phobia toward women because you afraid the women would lead you to fitnah. So you build a hate toward women as your self-defense mechanism.

Is it healthy to keep a hatred like this?. Of course not. One day you will get married, and this hatred will makes you treat your wife in the bad way. It will hurt her.

What you shall do now is try to eliminate your phobia toward women through know them better. You can start through the women who really need your love, the poor old women. Give your attention to them, give your care to them, give your kindness to them.

In Shaa Allah, it will raise a love in your heart, and this love will erase hatred in your heart.

Trust me Paprika, you will be very happy if an old women tell you while smile "May Allah give you a good wife who will make you happy, young man".

:)
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Abdullahh
02-06-2015, 12:52 AM
No women = no life on this planet (human). Hating women is just as silly as hating oxygen. Think about it.
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ardianto
02-06-2015, 01:06 AM
"Do not afraid of women, but always afraid you will make a woman's life miserable because women are not created as the enemies who will ruin the men's life, but created as the partners in life who will make the men understand what love is"

- Ardianto
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The-Deist
02-06-2015, 01:13 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
"Do not afraid of women, but always afraid you will make a woman's life miserable because women are not created as the enemies who will ruin the men's life, but created as the partners in life who will make the men understand what is love"

- Ardianto
MashaAllah TabarakaAllah brother Ardianto has inspirational mini speeches (although you have always been inspirational in your own unique way and Allah know best)
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The-Deist
02-06-2015, 01:15 AM
Originally Posted by American Muslim
Hating women is just as silly as hating oxygen.
Please don't call people silly and Allah knows best
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Scimitar
02-06-2015, 01:27 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
"Do not afraid of women, but always afraid you will make a woman's life miserable because women are not created as the enemies who will ruin the men's life, but created as the partners in life who will make the men understand what love is"

- Ardianto
we have a philosopher in our midst :)

Scimi

edit: just noticed that paprikas avatar is from the anime of the same name, i'd know - i own it lol... very crazy story that one.
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Paprika
02-06-2015, 05:08 AM
Originally Posted by sister herb
You should ask yourself why you are thinking by this way. Who or what has put kind of thoughts to your mind.

Hate is a bad feeling as it eats you own mind empty and fruitless and makes you feel unhappy.

Now; who is the one who wants the mostly that you are sad, full of bad feelings and wants to destroy all happiness in your life?
It's just the way women behave, makes me very angry. So demanding, manipulative and very insensitive with their words, they rarely think when they speak. The most frustrating part is you can't live with them and you can't live without them, they are all around you, it's a lose lose.
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Paprika
02-06-2015, 05:20 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
My dear brother Paprika.

If you were a misogynist, then you would seduce the women as much as you could, made them fall in love with you, but then you leave them and you laugh when you see they fall into broken heart.

No, you are not misogynist. You are just an innocent young man who have phobia toward women because you afraid the women would lead you to fitnah. So you build a hate toward women as your self-defense mechanism.

Is it healthy to keep a hatred like this?. Of course not. One day you will get married, and this hatred will makes you treat your wife in the bad way. It will hurt her.

What you shall do now is try to eliminate your phobia toward women through know them better. You can start through the women who really need your love, the poor old women. Give your attention to them, give your care to them, give your kindness to them.

In Shaa Allah, it will raise a love in your heart, and this love will erase hatred in your heart.

Trust me Paprika, you will be very happy if an old women tell you while smile "May Allah give you a good wife who will make you happy, young man".

:)
Ai man you have got it all wrong, I don't have no phobia, I have been married for over a decade and I don't treat my wife badly. I never hated women before but do think I am starting to hate them now.

After so many years of marriage I feel there is "nothing good" in women. I have seen the good and the bad and feel the bad far outweighs the good, this is not only in my own experience but general observation as well. Everything people speak about in marriage that is supposed to be good, love, affection, companionship, understanding, it's all absent, almost non existent. No matter how hard you try you always finish second best.
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Paprika
02-06-2015, 05:23 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
"Do not afraid of women, but always afraid you will make a woman's life miserable because women are not created as the enemies who will ruin the men's life, but created as the partners in life who will make the men understand what love is"

- Ardianto
Yea have heard these quotes before, but unfortunatley haven't seen anyone live up to them.
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Abdullahh
02-06-2015, 05:53 AM
Originally Posted by StrivingforDeen
Please don't call people silly and Allah knows best
Allah doesn't encourage men to hate women. Also, I can and will call people silly when they are acting silly.
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Tania
02-06-2015, 07:18 AM
You tried to tell her what you don't like in her behaviour?
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sister herb
02-06-2015, 07:22 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
It's just the way women behave, makes me very angry. So demanding, manipulative and very insensitive with their words, they rarely think when they speak. The most frustrating part is you can't live with them and you can't live without them, they are all around you, it's a lose lose.
Dear brother, I have met several men during my life whose are demanding, manipulative and very insensitive. Should I now hate all of them? Oh no. I have also met many men whose are kind, caring and sensitive. Also women with kind of habit of mind.
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The-Deist
02-06-2015, 12:18 PM
Originally Posted by sister herb
Dear brother, I have met several men during my life whose are demanding, manipulative and very insensitive. Should I now hate all of them? Oh no. I have also met many men whose are kind, caring and sensitive. Also women with kind of habit of mind.
True story, there are different kinds of people in both genders. Just as a Muslim can be bad so can a Jew (it's not the religion our gender our what ever it's the person itself), you can't judge an entire race just because of a few people :D .

And it should't be women in general you shoud be hating it is just the one that you don't like and you shouldn't hate them just stay away from them and find something better to do :D If I for example would want to get married and I find someone but she isn't someone I would like to live the rest of my life I won't say "Oh, women are so bad never going to get married"

PS. I think in Islam we should love each other :D
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Scimitar
02-06-2015, 02:00 PM
Im unmarried and 40.... if anyone has a right to me a misogynist - its me.... anf I believe I secretly am...

Blame me?

After all these years i am bitter and hurt. Shame that.

Scimi
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ardianto
02-06-2015, 04:17 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
Ai man you have got it all wrong, I don't have no phobia, I have been married for over a decade and I don't treat my wife badly. I never hated women before but do think I am starting to hate them now.
You have been married for over a decade?. Hmm, frankly, I assumed you are teen boy because that was impression that I got from your previous posts in the forum. Even before you said that you live in South Africa I thought you actually live in Pakistan but you wanted to confuse people through "I'm not from Pakistan!".

After so many years of marriage I feel there is "nothing good" in women. I have seen the good and the bad and feel the bad far outweighs the good, this is not only in my own experience but general observation as well. Everything people speak about in marriage that is supposed to be good, love, affection, companionship, understanding, it's all absent, almost non existent. No matter how hard you try you always finish second best.
If you feel nothing good in women after many years of marriage it's because you have assumed that nothing good in a woman since you were unmarried. Maybe because you never tried to understand a woman.

I have seen the good and the bad too, but since I always see the world in positive view then the good always far outweigh the bad. When I was kid I saw marriages that worked well. It raise a want in my heart to have a good married life in the future. Of course I have seen marriages that did not work well too. And it gave me lessons about the mistakes that I should avoid in my married life.

Love cannot be forced to come in marriage because love does not come from the outside. Love come from the inside, from the heart of husband and wife, from the great intention to give happiness to each other.

In good marriage husband does not finish second or first, but husband and wife always walk side by side, together in happiness and in sadness.
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Scimitar
02-06-2015, 04:36 PM
Originally Posted by ardianto
but husband and wife always walk side by side, together in happiness and in sadness.
I often wonder what that feels like.
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ardianto
02-06-2015, 05:10 PM
Originally Posted by Scimitar
Im unmarried and 40.... if anyone has a right to me a misogynist - its me.... anf I believe I secretly am...

Blame me?

After all these years i am bitter and hurt. Shame that.

Scimi
Women can see your heart, bro. If they see a hatred in your heart, then they will be far away from you. But if they see a love in your heart, then there will be a woman who open her heart to be filled by your love.

Don't give up, bro. Don't give up. Always maintain love in your heart, then In Shaa Allah, you will find a woman who open her heart for you.

Originally Posted by Scimitar
I often wonder what that feels like.
I don't know the right words to describe it. But it is something that very beautiful and will make you happy. I hope you will feel it too, bro.

:)
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Scimitar
02-06-2015, 05:13 PM
My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them :D

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.

Scimi
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Patrick
02-06-2015, 05:53 PM
Originally Posted by Scimitar
My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them :D

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.

Scimi
Well I'm the same way and at 32 marriage is about out of the question for me and I will not go into details why. I could not understand this as a way for the original poster to confirm not liking women. Just because we have our faults as men we should not project that on women. I do feel that women in relationships are becoming much worse than in other times but we are at just as much fault. Dealing with the reality you are is uncommon not many men face being alone. The claim they are but are dating or just "talking" to women. That is not being single. So in our rare cases we are the minority. I don't understand how disliking women as original poster is contemplating fits into being single. Trust me I wish many times I was born into an accepting Muslim society. I am sure I would have been married by now. I think our dilemma comes with the women we live with in our society and the way the have become in it not the actual nature of women themselves.
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Scimitar
02-06-2015, 06:02 PM
Well said Patrick. Welcome to ib forum :)
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The-Deist
02-06-2015, 08:18 PM
Originally Posted by Scimitar
My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.



Scimi
I think I don't understand women nor do they understand me I mean I believe my own Father doesn't understand me because I might be a little complicated (he always says be simple but I might have multiple personalities)
so how could someone else understand me. I might maybe even call myself partionally emotienless.
If someone could help me that would be great and I also am used to being alone so I don't usually (Allah knows best) want to go outside, be with people I mean even my own cousins don't stay around me because they might know something of me.
Also I might be socially unactive and if I get social I get too social so people most likely treat it as a miracle if i come out of my room for no reason.
Overall I think I am very unbalanced might have many personalities maybe even mental problems.
I could make this post even longer I believe but I don't think it is necessary
PS. It's better if you just know me throught the Internet I might be a complicated person to meet in real life
And Allah knows best

Edit: and for somewhat ever reason I feel scared yet excited when I fight (if I ever actually get to one) and for somewhat ever reason have found pain very enjoyable.
But I think I just have never experienced love so I also might be emotionally unstable.
I think you guys are like my little family :D
And also I hink I ususally control myself but sometimes I lose it
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Patrick
02-06-2015, 08:37 PM
Originally Posted by StrivingforDeen
I think I don't understand women nor do they understand me I mean I believe my own Father doesn't understand me because I might be a little complicated (he always says be simple but I might have multiple personalities)
so how could someone else understand me. I might maybe even call myself partionally emotienless.
If someone could help me that would be great and I also am used to being alone so I don't usually (Allah knows best) want to go outside, be with people I mean even my own cousins don't stay around me because they might know something of me.
Also I might be socially unactive and if I get social I get too social so people most likely treat it as a miracle if i come out of my room for no reason.
Overall I think I am very unbalanced might have many personalities maybe even mental problems.
I could make this post even longer I believe but I don't think it is necessary
PS. It's better if you just know me throught the Internet I might be a complicated person to meet in real life
And Allah knows best
I feel the same as you. I live very much like that and it tends to wear on all of your relationships not just ones with women. It's ok to live like that I very much would rather stray from the subject because it is a lot to deal with. I don't know what to tell you its difficult to live this way. I know it's not healthy. The thing that gets me through most days is hoping there is a place that works different than the world we live in. We're people like us find our true belonging and realize what it is like to not feel forced to fit in an environment that does not suit us but one where we can be together with the way Allah intends it to be for us. Once again we are rare exceptions there again is no way to blame women for any of this. The thing that I understand about us either ad muslims or believers is this. If I were to take a tree and up root it then place it in an environment that is not that trees natural place that tree may adapt but I will not blame the tree because I know it belongs with its environment. Eventually as these trees we will find where it was for us to belong god willing it is with allah. Untill then try not to blame yourself or the others that look at you with such disdain. Try to have faith you will find a place you will be free of the things placed in this world to frighten and test us believers.
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The-Deist
02-06-2015, 08:58 PM
Originally Posted by Patrick
I feel the same as you. I live very much like that and it tends to wear on all of your relationships not just ones with women. It's ok to live like that I very much would rather stray from the subject because it is a lot to deal with. I don't know what to tell you its difficult to live this way. I know it's not healthy. The thing that gets me through most days is hoping there is a place that works different than the world we live in. We're people like us find our true belonging and realize what it is like to not feel forced to fit in an environment that does not suit us but one where we can be together with the way Allah intends it to be for us. Once again we are rare exceptions there again is no way to blame women for any of this. The thing that I understand about us either ad muslims or believers is this. If I were to take a tree and up root it then place it in an environment that is not that trees natural place that tree may adapt but I will not blame the tree because I know it belongs with its environment. Eventually as these trees we will find where it was for us to belong god willing it is with allah. Untill then try not to blame yourself or the others that look at you with such disdain. Try to have faith you will find a place you will be free of the things placed in this world to frighten and test us believers.
I feel maybe to say relieved that there is someone like me. And I will not blame it on anyone and to be specific I don't really think I have any women I know except the ones that live in our house. And women themseelfes I respect them in their own unique way. For mothers espeially even though we most likely were just mittle crybabys they still tried their best of their limits to make us grow up as men (I don't know the womans perspective). And also our fathers. Yes they might get angry at us and even occasionally hit us but that is because they love you they want you to grow up to become a man not a boy. It is that they might get angry with us because we dissapointed them not because they don't love us.
In the end of the day I feel that you should make your parents precious to yourself I myself live only with my father so try to do your best while you have both of them. And I think we have ourselfs to blame for the world we live in we just have to hope and work for the best in the Hereafter.
And Allah knows best
Thank you for writing this brother Patrick :D
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MuslimInshallah
02-06-2015, 11:16 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
It's just the way women behave, makes me very angry. So demanding, manipulative and very insensitive with their words, they rarely think when they speak. The most frustrating part is you can't live with them and you can't live without them, they are all around you, it's a lose lose.
Assalaamu alaikum Paprika,


(gently) As I understand your situation, you have had some difficult relationships with women. Your mother, perhaps. Your wife. Other women who have intersected your life. There are, of course, the usual misunderstandings between men and women (we see the world through our own lens, and so have trouble seeing through other lens). But to feel a deep hurt because of women... that takes a little more than the usual misunderstandings, it seems to me.


Isn't it a hurt? When released, a hurt becomes anger...


Anger is a normal physiological response to certain triggers. If we turn the anger inwards, we feel hurt. When we acknowledge it, we feel anger.


But acknowledging anger does not mean that we free ourselves to lash out and hurt others. It just means we say: yes, I am angry because of this or that. And then we become free to deal with whatever we are reacting to. (gently) Free...


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. I have been hurt by both men and women. There is no doubt about it, some people can be very unkind. Perhaps you have been hurt by all the women in your life. This is also very possible. But my question is then: why is your sample biased?


Let us say that all the significant women in your life have been unkind to you. They are manipulative, demanding, selfish and callous. How many women do they represent? Five? Ten? But how many woman are there in the world? Mmm... let's say women represent 50% of the population (they actually generally represent slightly more than that, but let's pretend 50%).That's about 3.5 billion women (ok, and girls). Your sample, even of 10 women, is vanishingly small. Are you sure you are giving women a fair trial? Can you really say with any degree of certitude that all women are therefore really unpleasant people?


The sorts of people you are describing most certainly exist. They are described in the medical literature as narcissistic or psychopathic individuals. According to a couple of articles I quickly referenced, narcissism (as a personality disorder) affects about 5% of American women (closer to 8% ofAmerican men, apparently), and psychopathy affects about 0,6% of people in the British Isles. Mmm, let's say that 6% of women are really unpleasant people (which means that the vast majority, 94% aren't, you know).


Consider the following: what are the odds that if I pulled, say, 10 women at random off the street, that I would get only narcissistic and psychopathic ones in my sample. (twinkle) After a quick consultation with my in-house math genius, I have learnt that the odds are: 0¸06¹º %... that's a 0,00000000006047% chance that you could randomly sample just unpleasant women.


And this leads to the question: given that the chances of randomly getting just unpleasant women in your life are so vanishingly low, just why is it you are surrounded with such women?


Is it possible, perhaps, that there is something about you yourself, that is attracted to/attracts the wrong type of women?


I don't want to say it's your fault (playing the blame game is something narcissists love to do, incidentally). I'm actually trying to say something very hopeful: you have the power to change this situation.


You see, if the flaw lies in the other person, you can't do anything about that. But if the flaw lies within you,you have the power to change that.


But it is hard.


(smile) But is life about rest and ease? Or is it about living, worshipping and growth?


There are many ways to get frozen into a state of being. Whether it be the mindless distraction of never-ending work, or the empty pursuit of some diversion or desired object, or the fear of trying something new, or the pain of going through a wall of emotional fire... there are so many ways to get diverted off the Path that leads to Allah. And we have that old enemy who wants so much for us to fail, who loves to whisper anything and everything that resonates with our weaknesses: you're a failure, you're so amazing, you're not able to do X, there are such fun other things to do, you need to look good, you'll get hurt/people you love will get hurt... so many whispers.


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. And I empathize with you. I have been hurt by both women and men. Deeply. But look at yourself. What kind of a person are you? What is the good in you? What are the flaws (and often, these are two sides of the same coin; a weakness can be a strength in the right context, and a strength can be a weakness)? Why do you do the things you do? What is your history? Can you see any patterns? What would you like your history to be? What is your purpose in life, and how can you achieve this?


I don't know you, Paprika. (smile) Perhaps I will come to know you more, as you post on this Forum. But I do know one thing: you are a precious and unique human being. You add things into the mix of human life. I also know that God Created you for a purpose. The exact purpose is not always clear. (smile) Of course, we are supposed to worship our Creator. But how? Is it just about following the basic laws set out? I don't believe so. Angels follow all the laws. So does the rest of creation (except the Jinn). We are supposed to struggle. We are supposed to make mistakes, and feel pain, and feel like we're walking through honey.... Is not, perhaps, this struggle a form of worship?


When we struggle and feel we have failed, and collapse on our knees and cry out in pain and loneliness: Oh God! Help me! I am weak, I am lost, I need You... Is this not also worship? Is this not an acknowledgement of our humbleness and Allah's Tremendousness?


Women have hurt you. But they cannot harm you. Only you can do that. When we permit things that are not right, we harm ourselves. When we turn away from Allah, we harm ourselves. When we embrace things we know we should not, we harm ourselves. Nobody can harm you. Only you yourself.


This is empowering!!! You feel anger because a woman lies to you...listen to your anger. It is right and healthy. She should not treat you like that. So... what are you going to do about it? Let her gain something through her lie? Let her avoid something though her lie? Let her hurt you through her lie?


You can decide not to tolerate her lie. What can you do? It depends on the context. You have to look at each circumstance and ask yourself what is an appropriate response. You have the power to decide what your response is going to be. If one way of dealing with the lie leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth...try another response. Don't just keep on hoping that she will change. She won't. Not unless she wants to... and you have no power over that. So stop trying to change her, and focus on what you can do, what you can change.


You can work on modifying your approach with her not to change her... but to change yourself (try not to fall into the common trap of hoping she'll change because you've modified your approach. She may, but (especially if she has a personality disorder), she very probably won't).


This modification of yourself will take time and effort. Lots of effort. Realize that the other person will try to force you back to the status quo (which they were comfortable with)... and resist your inner urge to fall into old patterns.


Because if you can modify your patterns... you will find that the people you are attracted to/that you attract, will change. And as you find healthier patterns of living and relating to others... you will find yourself feeling more inner peace. (twinkle) Not all the time. But more of the time. (smile) And this is the sign, I believe, that you are on the Right Path.


(smile) Don't change yourself to get a nicer woman in your life. Change yourself to get closer to Allah, to become a person more pleasing to Him. (smile) And perhaps... He will Send someone into your life who is kinder. Perhaps. (smile) I'm still working on this myself. But I trust that whatever He Sends my way is what is best... once I've tied my camel (once I've made my effort). And no matter what else happens... I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing my best to Please my Lord. (smile) I'm still failing a lot, mind you. But I'm giving it my best shot.


(smile) Anyway, if you could pray for me please, Paprika, I'd really appreciate it. And I will pray for you, inshAllah. May we, as an act of worship, modify old habits, and find healthier, more harmonious ones... that are pleasing to the One and Only.


And May Allah, the Compassionate, Forgive us for our many failings.
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BeTheChange
02-07-2015, 12:24 PM
Sister, Muslim In sha Allah if i could rep and like you every day i would :D :embarrass In sha Allah in my duas
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ardianto
02-09-2015, 04:57 PM
Women are complicated creature that cannot be understood!.

However, if you try to understand a woman, then she will try to understand you too. This is the key of relationship with a woman.

In Paprika's case I think he does/did not try to understand his wife. Demanding, manipulative, and insensitive with her words, are indeed, sign of protest from a woman who want to be understood by her husband.
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BeTheChange
02-09-2015, 08:10 PM
We're not always complicated :embarrass - I think lack of communication or failure to listen to each other as you have mentioned brother is the key to problems escalating out of hand.

May Allah swa bring ease & peace to married couples Ameen.
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'Abd-al Latif
02-09-2015, 09:39 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
Salaamz,

I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things.

I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?
Elaborate?
Reply

Paprika
02-10-2015, 05:20 AM
Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah
Assalaamu alaikum Paprika,


(gently) As I understand your situation, you have had some difficult relationships with women. Your mother, perhaps. Your wife. Other women who have intersected your life. There are, of course, the usual misunderstandings between men and women (we see the world through our own lens, and so have trouble seeing through other lens). But to feel a deep hurt because of women... that takes a little more than the usual misunderstandings, it seems to me.


Isn't it a hurt? When released, a hurt becomes anger...


Anger is a normal physiological response to certain triggers. If we turn the anger inwards, we feel hurt. When we acknowledge it, we feel anger.


But acknowledging anger does not mean that we free ourselves to lash out and hurt others. It just means we say: yes, I am angry because of this or that. And then we become free to deal with whatever we are reacting to. (gently) Free...


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. I have been hurt by both men and women. There is no doubt about it, some people can be very unkind. Perhaps you have been hurt by all the women in your life. This is also very possible. But my question is then: why is your sample biased?


Let us say that all the significant women in your life have been unkind to you. They are manipulative, demanding, selfish and callous. How many women do they represent? Five? Ten? But how many woman are there in the world? Mmm... let's say women represent 50% of the population (they actually generally represent slightly more than that, but let's pretend 50%).That's about 3.5 billion women (ok, and girls). Your sample, even of 10 women, is vanishingly small. Are you sure you are giving women a fair trial? Can you really say with any degree of certitude that all women are therefore really unpleasant people?


The sorts of people you are describing most certainly exist. They are described in the medical literature as narcissistic or psychopathic individuals. According to a couple of articles I quickly referenced, narcissism (as a personality disorder) affects about 5% of American women (closer to 8% ofAmerican men, apparently), and psychopathy affects about 0,6% of people in the British Isles. Mmm, let's say that 6% of women are really unpleasant people (which means that the vast majority, 94% aren't, you know).


Consider the following: what are the odds that if I pulled, say, 10 women at random off the street, that I would get only narcissistic and psychopathic ones in my sample. (twinkle) After a quick consultation with my in-house math genius, I have learnt that the odds are: 0¸06¹º %... that's a 0,00000000006047% chance that you could randomly sample just unpleasant women.


And this leads to the question: given that the chances of randomly getting just unpleasant women in your life are so vanishingly low, just why is it you are surrounded with such women?


Is it possible, perhaps, that there is something about you yourself, that is attracted to/attracts the wrong type of women?


I don't want to say it's your fault (playing the blame game is something narcissists love to do, incidentally). I'm actually trying to say something very hopeful: you have the power to change this situation.


You see, if the flaw lies in the other person, you can't do anything about that. But if the flaw lies within you,you have the power to change that.


But it is hard.


(smile) But is life about rest and ease? Or is it about living, worshipping and growth?


There are many ways to get frozen into a state of being. Whether it be the mindless distraction of never-ending work, or the empty pursuit of some diversion or desired object, or the fear of trying something new, or the pain of going through a wall of emotional fire... there are so many ways to get diverted off the Path that leads to Allah. And we have that old enemy who wants so much for us to fail, who loves to whisper anything and everything that resonates with our weaknesses: you're a failure, you're so amazing, you're not able to do X, there are such fun other things to do, you need to look good, you'll get hurt/people you love will get hurt... so many whispers.


You have been hurt by women. I believe you. And I empathize with you. I have been hurt by both women and men. Deeply. But look at yourself. What kind of a person are you? What is the good in you? What are the flaws (and often, these are two sides of the same coin; a weakness can be a strength in the right context, and a strength can be a weakness)? Why do you do the things you do? What is your history? Can you see any patterns? What would you like your history to be? What is your purpose in life, and how can you achieve this?


I don't know you, Paprika. (smile) Perhaps I will come to know you more, as you post on this Forum. But I do know one thing: you are a precious and unique human being. You add things into the mix of human life. I also know that God Created you for a purpose. The exact purpose is not always clear. (smile) Of course, we are supposed to worship our Creator. But how? Is it just about following the basic laws set out? I don't believe so. Angels follow all the laws. So does the rest of creation (except the Jinn). We are supposed to struggle. We are supposed to make mistakes, and feel pain, and feel like we're walking through honey.... Is not, perhaps, this struggle a form of worship?


When we struggle and feel we have failed, and collapse on our knees and cry out in pain and loneliness: Oh God! Help me! I am weak, I am lost, I need You... Is this not also worship? Is this not an acknowledgement of our humbleness and Allah's Tremendousness?


Women have hurt you. But they cannot harm you. Only you can do that. When we permit things that are not right, we harm ourselves. When we turn away from Allah, we harm ourselves. When we embrace things we know we should not, we harm ourselves. Nobody can harm you. Only you yourself.


This is empowering!!! You feel anger because a woman lies to you...listen to your anger. It is right and healthy. She should not treat you like that. So... what are you going to do about it? Let her gain something through her lie? Let her avoid something though her lie? Let her hurt you through her lie?


You can decide not to tolerate her lie. What can you do? It depends on the context. You have to look at each circumstance and ask yourself what is an appropriate response. You have the power to decide what your response is going to be. If one way of dealing with the lie leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth...try another response. Don't just keep on hoping that she will change. She won't. Not unless she wants to... and you have no power over that. So stop trying to change her, and focus on what you can do, what you can change.


You can work on modifying your approach with her not to change her... but to change yourself (try not to fall into the common trap of hoping she'll change because you've modified your approach. She may, but (especially if she has a personality disorder), she very probably won't).


This modification of yourself will take time and effort. Lots of effort. Realize that the other person will try to force you back to the status quo (which they were comfortable with)... and resist your inner urge to fall into old patterns.


Because if you can modify your patterns... you will find that the people you are attracted to/that you attract, will change. And as you find healthier patterns of living and relating to others... you will find yourself feeling more inner peace. (twinkle) Not all the time. But more of the time. (smile) And this is the sign, I believe, that you are on the Right Path.


(smile) Don't change yourself to get a nicer woman in your life. Change yourself to get closer to Allah, to become a person more pleasing to Him. (smile) And perhaps... He will Send someone into your life who is kinder. Perhaps. (smile) I'm still working on this myself. But I trust that whatever He Sends my way is what is best... once I've tied my camel (once I've made my effort). And no matter what else happens... I have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing my best to Please my Lord. (smile) I'm still failing a lot, mind you. But I'm giving it my best shot.


(smile) Anyway, if you could pray for me please, Paprika, I'd really appreciate it. And I will pray for you, inshAllah. May we, as an act of worship, modify old habits, and find healthier, more harmonious ones... that are pleasing to the One and Only.


And May Allah, the Compassionate, Forgive us for our many failings.
Wasalaam,

Wow, can't believe I actually read all of that. Thanks for your time and effort, I will try and practice what you said, lets hope it works.
Reply

Paprika
02-10-2015, 05:23 AM
Originally Posted by ardianto
Women are complicated creature that cannot be understood!.

However, if you try to understand a woman, then she will try to understand you too. This is the key of relationship with a woman.

In Paprika's case I think he does/did not try to understand his wife. Demanding, manipulative, and insensitive with her words, are indeed, sign of protest from a woman who want to be understood by her husband.
yeah, I really suck at this man, not sure how much longer I can put up with it. I feel so lonely, and all this women talk makes me feel sick to the stomach, think I'm gonna take a leave of absence.

Thanks everyone for trying to help.
Reply

Paprika
02-10-2015, 05:26 AM
Originally Posted by Protected Soul
We're not always complicated :embarrass - I think lack of communication or failure to listen to each other as you have mentioned brother is the key to problems escalating out of hand.

May Allah swa bring ease & peace to married couples Ameen.
yeah not always, only like 9 out of 10 times.;D

Ameen
Reply

azc
02-22-2016, 05:37 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
Salaamz,I thought this account was disabled after my request but anyway. I know this topic might be frowned upon cos it may cause a gender war, but it's true, I am starting to hate women very deeply and can't seem to control it....having a hard time getting over things. I know it can't be healthy, but am I sinful if I only harbour it in my heart but don't hurt anyone?
Have you forgot that your mother is also a woman? Do you still hate her?
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 04:18 AM
Originally Posted by azc
Have you forgot that your mother is also a woman? Do you still hate her?
there are a few exceptions
Reply

azc
02-23-2016, 06:32 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
there are a few exceptions
then, why do you generalize it?Learn to respect the women. I love and respect them whether they're mothers, sisters or daughters or my wife. Generally they're more supportive than Man.
Reply

Kiro
02-23-2016, 06:50 AM
r u scared of womz
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 08:03 AM
Originally Posted by azc
then, why do you generalize it?Learn to respect the women. I love and respect them whether they're mothers, sisters or daughters or my wife. Generally they're more supportive than Man.
I understand you situation and position, perhaps someday, you will understand mine sigh...
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 08:04 AM
Originally Posted by Kiro
r u scared of womz
scared??? pffttt, not at all, just very irritated and angry, well some times
Reply

Kiro
02-23-2016, 08:22 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
scared??? pffttt, not at all, just very irritated and angry, well some times
well if you ever get mawied, u might get scared of your wifes temper, wives are scary apparently
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 08:26 AM
Originally Posted by Kiro
well if you ever get mawied, u might get scared of your wifes temper, wives are scary apparently
yes, they scream and shout at you for trivial reasons, so disrespectful, then they say we human.
Reply

The-Deist
02-23-2016, 09:01 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
I understand you situation and position, perhaps someday, you will understand mine sigh...
What's yours?
Reply

azc
02-23-2016, 09:15 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
I understand you situation and position, perhaps someday, you will understand mine sigh...
if you've bitter experience with any girl, then brother, all girls are not equal, moreover, one girl or a few girls is/are not the end of the world.This is not valid reason of hating the women
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 09:45 AM
Originally Posted by StrivingforDeen
What's yours?
its complicated
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 09:49 AM
Originally Posted by azc
if you've bitter experience with any girl, then brother, all girls are not equal, moreover, one girl or a few girls is/are not the end of the world.This is not valid reason of hating the women
technically, really deep down inside, they are all pretty much the same, even muslim vs non-muslim, ultimately they still are the same in terms of relationships etc. same expectations, same insecurities, similar complaints.

Anyway who revived this thread?????
Reply

azc
02-23-2016, 11:17 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
technically, really deep down inside, they are all pretty much the same, even muslim vs non-muslim, ultimately they still are the same in terms of relationships etc. same expectations, same insecurities, similar complaints.Anyway who revived this thread?????
It proves that your an experienced hunter of girls. From Islamic point of view, this game isn't allowed
Reply

Serinity
02-23-2016, 11:22 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
technically, really deep down inside, they are all pretty much the same, even muslim vs non-muslim, ultimately they still are the same in terms of relationships etc. same expectations, same insecurities, similar complaints.

Anyway who revived this thread?????
there you have it. You know the game! Now come back with a new strategy.

I understand, I get it, it is just like math.. eh. Soo predictable. So boring... Tho, for math, I find it fun.
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 11:25 AM
Originally Posted by azc
It proves that your an experienced hunter of girls. From Islamic point of view, this game isn't allowed
girls are easy game, I like a challenge. I'm not playing that game anymore btw.
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 11:26 AM
Originally Posted by Serinity
there you have it. You know the game! Now come back with a new strategy.

I understand, I get it, it is just like math.. eh. Soo predictable. So boring... Tho, for math, I find it fun.
every strategy always requires us guys to bend over backwards and accepting their demands, gets tiring and boring, you are right about that.
Reply

greenhill
02-23-2016, 11:40 AM
I think I understand what you are trying to say. I believe that is true too, and contribute to the complexity of a relationship, making it harder still.

I have much to say but not about to start now.. maybe later..

....if I remember...:D


:peace:


Originally Posted by Patrick
Well I'm the same way and at 32 marriage is about out of the question for me and I will not go into details why. I could not understand this as a way for the original poster to confirm not liking women. Just because we have our faults as men we should not project that on women. I do feel that women in relationships are becoming much worse than in other times but we are at just as much fault. Dealing with the reality you are is uncommon not many men face being alone. The claim they are but are dating or just "talking" to women. That is not being single. So in our rare cases we are the minority. I don't understand how disliking women as original poster is contemplating fits into being single. Trust me I wish many times I was born into an accepting Muslim society. I am sure I would have been married by now. I think our dilemma comes with the women we live with in our society and the way the have become in it not the actual nature of women themselves.
Reply

Serinity
02-23-2016, 11:41 AM
Originally Posted by Paprika
every strategy always requires us guys to bend over backwards and accepting their demands, gets tiring and boring, you are right about that.
Why so focused on women. I don't get it lol.
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 11:47 AM
Originally Posted by Serinity
Why so focused on women. I don't get it lol.
I'm trying not to, don't know who revived this, the more you think about women the more they consume you, they will drive you insane, I try to totally disregard them
Reply

greenhill
02-23-2016, 11:52 AM
You're just too head strong, almost uncompromising, opinionated chauvinist, know too much and seriously seeking answers, no time for frilly things (am I way off the mark?) hence, it might be just a tad difficult.

You got to open up and untrained that self.. don't be afraid to get hurt. Everyone survives. It's how much 'drama' they make..

:peace:



Originally Posted by Timi Scar
My heart has been trained to feel indifferent to women. I just don't understand them :D

I'm used to being alone, sad as that is, I don't think marriage is in my destiny.

So this is why I feel sad. Allahu Alam.

Scimi
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Paprika
02-23-2016, 12:17 PM
ever heard a woman angry and the words that come out of her mouth, it can hurt to the bone, the surprising bit is they will later tell you the didn't mean any of it, she was just angry, how stupid, you must just accept, forgive and forget. I would be embarrassed even to ask for forgiveness after that outbreak:embarrass

What do they take us for????
Reply

Serinity
02-23-2016, 12:30 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
ever heard a woman angry and the words that come out of her mouth, it can hurt to the bone, the surprising bit is they will later tell you the didn't mean any of it, she was just angry, how stupid, you must just accept, forgive and forget. I would be embarrassed even to ask for forgiveness after that outbreak:embarrass

What do they take us for????
So.. they scream at us, and we ask for forgiveness.. Ok.. makes sense. sarcasm
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 12:35 PM
Originally Posted by Serinity
So.. they scream at us, and we ask for forgiveness.. Ok.. makes sense. sarcasm
brutal bro, bruuuuutal....I don't understand how some people are so madly in love, must have big hearts or she must be doping his drink with something lol
Reply

Serinity
02-23-2016, 12:39 PM
Originally Posted by Paprika
brutal bro, bruuuuutal....I don't understand how some people are so madly in love, must have big hearts or she must be doping his drink with something lol
Well, in my country, the tradition is, they make the tea.

:)

But I'd get very annoyed if someone would scream at me for no apparrent reason.. Like, at least tell me. lol.
Reply

Paprika
02-23-2016, 12:42 PM
Originally Posted by Serinity
Well, in my country, the tradition is, they make the tea.

:)

But I'd get very annoyed if someone would scream at me for no apparrent reason.. Like, at least tell me. lol.
it will be petty things most of time I'm sure, mountain out of a molehill stuff
Reply

Faithbox
02-23-2016, 01:09 PM
If you really want to become isolated from a live with women around take a ticket to japan. Lots of guys with this problem over there
Reply

Muhammad
02-23-2016, 01:14 PM
May Allaah :swt: help you to respect the counterparts He has made for us.

This thread is just mindless comments being made about women, so it's closed.
Reply

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