format_quote Originally Posted by
ardianto
:wasalam:
"One man for one woman" is principle that based on loyalty...
I used this principle in my married life. It's because I did not want to have another wife, and also I did not intend to change my wife through divorce and then get married again with another woman. Of course, if I get married again I will give my loyalty to my new wife...
.
Assalaamu alaikum,
Mmm, it is a beautiful sentiment, the idea of standing by your spouse no matter what. But as Jameelash pointed out, this is the stuff of romance movies. In real life, it is not necessarily a good thing. Let me tell you a true story of a man I know.
This man was the youngest child of a large family where there was a lot of unkindness and turmoil. But it stuck together, though it was not a good place for a child to grow up. But the child survived. Physically.
He came to Canada, and found a woman of his own culture. He worked very hard to please her, but she was not at all kind with him. She made many threats to keep him weak and fearful and obedient to her. For instance, she would injure herself and threaten to call the police and accuse him of domestic abuse. She threatened she would kill herself. And he remained with her, though he was not at all happy. He believed he was being loyal, I believe.
Then it happened that she got a green card for the US, and he did not. And she left him.
This man was quickly snapped up by another woman. She was not a very kind person, either. She was not a Muslim (as he was), but in order to “get” him, she went heavily into Islam. For a while. He fell for her, and became increasingly attached to her. And she...? She slowly but surely pulled him away from Islam. They had a child together. The man did not teach him anything about Islam. He felt he was too unknowledgeable about Islam... and besides, his son did not respect him, because his mother often denigrated (subtly, but surely) his father. Indeed, the child was taught to denigrate Islam and Muslims in general. And slowly, slowly, over time, the man stopped fasting, stopped praying, stopped going to the masjid, and cut ties with his family members. The woman even tried to get him to drink alcohol (for his health...). I don't know if she succeeded.
Of course, the problems in this marriage were not just a question of a difference in understandings about God. This woman has a deep flaw in her character, and she didn't treat either her husband, or her child, with proper love and care. This man is extremely exhausted all the time, trying to please his wife (and now, sadly, his son who is an adult). But he is very loyal. Indeed, he feels
grateful that she is with him. He believes he is not worth much, but that she is so wonderful. He praises her to everyone. And he believes his words.
Most people would consider this man a very loyal and loving man, though some see through the facade and realize that his wife is not such a beautiful person. Everybody loves this man, because he is very kind and generous with everyone, not just his wife. I think he is a very nice person, too. However, I believe he has some great
weaknesses in his character (understandable weaknesses, given the abusive childhood he experienced). And that it is in fact because of his
weaknesses that he tries so hard to please everyone, especially his wife. It is through
weakness that he remains in a
very unhealthy relationship. Because this relationship has been very bad for his health, for his family relationships, for his son... and most of all for his
deen.
Loyalty towards a spouse is a
very important ingredient for a stable and (mostly! There are always wrinkles from time to time...) loving marriage. But, as in all things, there
must be limits. And we
must be strong enough to leave when those limits are transgressed. Otherwise we put ourselves and those dependant on us, in danger, both in this world, and the Next. Jameelash is correct, I believe. This ideal of The One, the ideal spouse, is corrosive and causes much harm, though it is coated in pretty thoughts and sentiments.
Because
only Allah is The One.
May Allah, the Unique Possessor of all the Beautiful Names, Guide us towards choices and actions that are Pleasing to Him... and good for us and those we care about.